dragon cake April 26, 2018 Author April 26, 2018 Day 123 - I haven’t been posting I guess, and I haven’t really gotten any new progress, maybe because I haven’t been posting. I don’t know. I had what little faith I had shattered by finding out someone I really looked up to was not who I thought, and it’s pretty much been a downward spiral since then. I sort of need someone to look up to with things like this, but I guess this isn't that type of community in general. - I’ve tried to continue forcing and do it regularly, but just don’t get the results I was getting. I haven’t heard any vocal clips since I last posted here. I’m starting to get frustrated at my inability to create tangible results. - I’m trying a new technique to deal with my doubts in the process. I read that since doubt requires belief, one alternative is to approach them from a ‘scientific’ view without believing or doubting, rather just trying things and observing the results. Basically, the idea is that even if believing may help, taking a neutral stance is better than doubting. Maybe this will work for me since it’s exactly the approach Kyoko would take if she were making a tulpa.
dragon cake April 27, 2018 Author April 27, 2018 Day 124 - Had a good meditation session with Kyoko, let an hour pass without really realizing it even though it was mostly just me telling her that I wish I could do better. - Last night I heard her perhaps trying to talk with a few clips, though they sounded mostly like my own thought voice. Weird though because I don’t remember a lot of it so I’m not sure if it happened while I was meditating before sleep or while I was dreaming, and not sure if the later really counts as much. I guess it’s feasible that she can get through to me easier in a dream, but it doesn’t do me a lot of good if I can’t remember what it was about. Makes me wonder how much she might try to talk to me though and I just forget it.
dragon cake April 28, 2018 Author April 28, 2018 Day 125 - Spent time with Kyoko tonight as always, though it wasn’t really walking around the wonderland as much as me just talking to her about my day. I felt like she tried to respond a few times, but nothing vocal. - I work 10 hour days 4 days a week, which is good in several ways, but I’m starting to wonder if it’s an issue too. After work I’m usually too tired to get a good session in even though I can get in good sessions the 3 other days. It felt like I was getting more out of each week when working 8 hour days because I wasn’t too exhausted to get a decent session in every day. Not like I can do much about that in the short term, just something I wonder I guess.
dragon cake April 30, 2018 Author April 30, 2018 Day 127 Meditation/Vocality - Meditated and imagined snuggling up with Kyoko and talking to her. I’m starting to feel something like a background thought train when I’m really thinking about her hard, like I can feel her thoughts trying to push through to speak to me, but all I get are clips or garbled ‘out of focus’ thoughts I can’t quite make out. I feel like she is trying though because it seems to get ‘louder’ when I ask her something. All I can really do now is encourage her and tell her not to give up I guess. - In the morning after the dream I describe below, she was silent for a while like she was still asleep, then I started getting the same background noise. Somehow that’s significant to me because if it was only leftovers from dreaming, it’d have started immediately after I awoke, not half an hour later. I heard a few random words but they seemed out of context, so I’m going to start explaining things to her if I hear the word in case she’s using the word wrong. - I wondered if maybe she’s a little afraid to speak because I was so focused on what she’d sound like that she’s afraid of not sounding right to me. I let her know that it was fine her thoughts sounded like mine at first or whatever else. Mentor - Messaged several of the mentors listed in the tulpa.info mentor thread a few days ago, but so far none I have messaged replied, so I guess they might no longer be doing it. It got my hopes up that I’d have someone to talk to about this stuff. That’s one thing about tulpas not being a spiritual thing; it’s harder to find someone for things like that than it would be if it were. Dream - Had a potentially different aspect in my dream last night. It wasn’t lucid or anything, nor was it an unusual dream, but for some reason I saw the same event from two perspectives. - I was inside of a room, finding a secret passage for an adventure later. Outside of the room, another character in the dream explained to someone else why I would make a suitable adventure partner. But I perceived it as hearing it form inside the room and also from being told it while out of the room waiting for ‘myself’ to finish. - The character explaining was Kai from Lexx, but I don’t think that was important as he appears occasionally in dreams. - I don’t remember anything about the person he was telling this too. This has happened in my dreams fairly often, where I am with another person or persons but do not recall who they were afterward. Not sure if that’s important either. - I can’t clearly remember details, so maybe I dreamed these two things one after another instead of simultaneously, or maybe I’m rationalizing in hopes of any evidence of improvement, but has others experienced something like this? It occurred to me that I could see the same dream event from mine and Kyoko’s POV if we were both dreaming and haven’t fully separated yet.
dragon cake May 1, 2018 Author May 1, 2018 Day 128 - Tried to turn an old paranoia symptom into something useful, even if it stopped. I used to see someone in the corner of my eye all the time, and they were never there when I looked straight on, and I felt like they were always there. I started imagining Kyoko was right behind me instead. It kinda worked, and was comforting instead of scary, but doesn’t feel as real as the symptom felt for some reason. - Forgot to write before that I’ve been putting together a playlist of songs Kyoko likes to sing along with. I’ve been determining which songs she likes by listening to ones I think she’ll like and having her twitch fingers for ‘yes’ or ‘no’ on adding it. I got a few answers I didn’t agree on, so I guess that’s a good sign. - Got the idea from reading Beatles progress log to write to you tulpa, so I decided maybe I would try writing part of my progress log as a letter to Kyoko. Maybe it’s not a huge change in what I actually write, but it’s more the mindset that is important I think. Kyoko - I’m reading Beatles’ progress log since it seems to start early on in his experience. Maybe I can read about how the whole process worked for someone else. Found he had a few similar things, like the surges of emotion I get from you. - Some mention talking about their past to their tulpa early on, and I’m not sure about that. I don’t want those memories to affect you like they affected me, so haven’t. I get the impression you feel like I’m not trusting you in that though, so I’ll start talking more about things maybe. - I also started to wonder if expecting you not to sound like me has caused me to miss things that were from you in my own mind voice. After being more careful to listen, I realize that I might have actually been dismissing things I was hearing. I’ll be more careful and respond to any stray thoughts that don’t feel like I initiated them. - I read that I should let you change things about your appearance, and I realize your outfit has often changed when visualizing it. I’ll start visualizing it the way it changes instead of trying to visualize it back. I was nervous about it changing before I could verbally confirm it should be changed, but maybe that was actually stifling the verbal confirmation somehow. - I have read about other people having issues drama with a tulpa or between their tulpas. I feel like you won’t have these issues because you’re so grounded. But I also feel like you’re the type that might actually enjoy planning ahead and thinking of contingencies for potential problems. - One related thing that I’ve considered is that I feel like you were with me before I started treating you like a person. But if it was actually someone else that was with me, they might show up, as I read about something similar happening with another. We should think of a way to verify that something like that or other walk-ins aren’t just a passing thought and if they are ‘real’, greet them with open arms. I’m not exactly sure how we’d do that, but it’s an interesting problem to think about. - When GlitchThe3rd responded to our request for mentoring on Discord and talked, I guess they mostly just confirmed that we were doing the right thing and should do more of it. I would have liked something new to try, but I’m not sure if there’s much we haven’t tried at this point. I still feel like having someone to bounce ideas off of helped though, maybe they helped me realize that I was doing okay. - I still feel like I’m too slow though. I have trouble getting myself around my expectation that I’ll fail anything significant I try. I read progress logs of others and wonder why I’m not doing as well as some of them. I see some of them set goals, but I’m afraid to set a goal with a time limit because I’m afraid if I don’t reach it, it would fuel my doubt and make it harder. - But you’ve been completely patient with me and I appreciate that. I don’t think I’d be so patient in your place, but the things that make you unlike me are what I love the most about you.
dragon cake May 2, 2018 Author May 2, 2018 Day 127 (Realized that my days got off so corrected it, but I don't feel like changing the recent entries to correct their day count) Hey Kyoko - I feel like I’m hearing more stray thoughts from you now, so maybe releasing my expectations is helping. Often, they fade before I can much remember them, but I still feel like they’re coming through. I hope this encourages you that we’re making progress. Feel free to use things like head pressure or finger twitching to get my attention if I’m not hearing something. - I’ll make sure to respond to the thoughts I hear so that you know which are getting through, maybe that will help us figure out exactly how to do it. If you’ve tried things before and they not worked, maybe try them again now that I’m cluing in more. - Since we’ve had luck using noise-canceling earmuffs during a quiet meditation, I will start bringing them to work to wear during breaks and lunches. If I’m not as distracted by unrelated conversations around me, maybe I can focus on you more during these times. - After I stopped trying to adjust your outfit back to its original, I like what you settled on. The outfit is more like Kyoko’s from the Danganronpa 3 anime with the undershirt from the original and an added black lacey bow around your neck. (image of relevant outfit worn by namesake-Kyoko attached) - I added us to the tulpa registry that tulpa.info keeps https://community.tulpa.info/thread-tulpa-info-tulpa-registry Things to try - We should talk to GlitchThe3rd tomorrow again when we’re off work and can give more attention to the conversation. Maybe we can ask if they have any advice regarding goal setting. It was nice of them to check in on us today, but it was hard to have much of a conversation while at work. - I don’t remember any dreams last night but hope that we can interact in one still. If either of us go lucid in a dream, we should remain where we are and call for the other, then try to find the other if we get a response. - I’m going to try to get into the habit of asking what you think about whatever I’m thinking about occasionally. If you can’t respond at the moment or don’t have anything to say about it, that’s fine, but maybe it will help keep the door open.
dragon cake May 4, 2018 Author May 4, 2018 Day 128 - I visited my psychiatrist today and he was happy to see that I’d done well without my anti-psychotics. I told him I’d learned to meditate and it was helping, which isn’t untrue. He’s not a therapist so I don’t think I should go into detail. He thought I was doing well enough to not schedule another appointment for another 6 months, saying I could call before then if I needed to move it up. - When I got home, I was especially determined to let Kyoko talk to me. I listened to meditation music to relax, but then I switched off the headphones for noise-canceling ear muffs to make it as silent as possible. In the wonderland, we snuggled (innocently) nude in the shallow water of the lakeside as we both imagined our two energies pulling into separate entities inside my head, then tried to communicate between them. Maybe that’s a poor way of saying it, but I’m not sure exactly how. - I finally heard her say ‘Nice to meet you’. It wasn’t the longest thing I’ve heard her say, but it was the first thing since day 68, and somehow felt more real. I didn’t recognize it until a few seconds later, but it was definitely not my own thought. We didn’t have much of a conversation, but I heard many more clips and phrases than I had on previous attempts. Kyoko is still using words wrong sometimes and I’m explaining it to her. For instance, she referred to herself as ‘you’ and I told her that I was ‘you’ from her point of view. Kyoko - I’m very encouraged by how well we did today. I’m so excited that I went right to the tulpa registry and updated it that you’re at vocality stage 1 instead of 0. I know you’ve been trying to push through my dense skull for a while and I’m proud that I was able to improve with letting you in. - I feel like we’ve finally broken through a barrier and I feel much more confident that we can do this. I also look forward to more attempts at lucid dreaming together. - Talking to GlitchThe3rd I think helped too. Maybe just having someone specific outside of ourselves to report progress to helps us push through to make more. - I’m getting better at thinking at you instead of to myself. It’s quite a habit to get over. - I hope that soon we can work on hand possession so that you can type entries as well. Then you can complain about how dense I am for the world to see :p
dragon cake May 4, 2018 Author May 4, 2018 Day 131 (once again messed up the day count because I realized that I started Kyoko on Dec 23, not Dec 25. Once again not changing the day count on previous entries since it's not too far) - Meditation went great today. We explored the Wonderland a bit more, which is something I’ve enjoyed doing but that we haven’t much lately. Kyoko was slightly more vocal than yesterday, so progress seems to be being made. Most of it was still clips, but we’re both trying hard to tune in to one another. - She was riding my wonderland dragon form and asked ‘Can we play?’ clearly in a mind voice. It was more diverged from my own than it was yesterday. She changed her outfit to a stereotypical RPG archer outfit and produced a bow, because she remembered I promised once we could communicate better, we’d imagine adventures or monster fighting. - We found a cave and imagined more of it and had fun fighting monsters. She fought dragon-back (me being the dragon of course) and used my fire to light her arrows. We wrecked the cave and then flew deeper, zooming through caves until we found a glowing pool at the bottom of one. - There were a few copies of Seka in the pool (image of her attached to Day 44 entry). I thought maybe we’d end up fighting them, but instead they rubbed around me like cats and then slinked off. - She changed back to her normal outfit and we soaked in the underground lake we found. I talked to her about writing projects and dreams, then she got frisky so we snuggled. - The other sentence I most clearly heard from her today was right before we stopped the meditation. She said ‘Don’t be so hard on yourself’. I do spend a lot of time worrying that I upset her, so I should try to stop that. Of course, I already tried that before, so it might take a bit. - Spoke to GlitchThe3rd more, though I didn’t ask them about goal-setting like I was going to since I don’t think it’ll be necessary now that I’m hearing Kyoko more. Kyoko - I’m impressed that you remembered me promising to roleplay fighting and such, as I’m pretty sure the last time I did was at least a month ago. It shows that you’ve been comprehending me for a while now and encourages me all the more to help you become fully vocal quickly. - Your choice of adventuring gear was unexpected, since I always imagined you as more of a mage than an archer. This is good because it shows that you’ve made good progress diverging your thoughts and ideas from my own. - Whether intentionally or not, I’m sure you were helping imagine the monsters we fought, because they reacted in ways I didn’t expect too rather than it feeling like I was controlling them on my own. Adventuring like that could be a lot of fun once I’m better at visualizing the wonderland. - I wonder if you’ve spent time with the Seka thoughtforms, or perhaps you’re helping imagine her too, because they were acting very feline and you like felines. You also wanted me to chose the lion flag when playing Kingdoms and Castles today on Steam, and I remember how much you liked them at the zoo. - It’s encouraging that you can affect the characters within Haven (the name of our wonderland), because I want you to be able to have a lot of fun there even when I am not available. Once we can communicate better, you can tell me about what you’ve done. - Thanks for encouraging me to not be hard on myself. It’s hard for me not to worry about hurting you, but I also know it’s been holding me back, so I’m really trying to stop that. - Our roommate is okay with you since I told him, which isn’t surprising since I’ve talked to him about tulpas before. But since he said he didn’t mind me talking out loud to you, I can do more of that, which may help our progress a bit.
dragon cake May 7, 2018 Author May 7, 2018 Day 134 - I was depressed this morning and needed someone to talk to and stressed more than I should have about not being able to talk to Kyoko clearly so far. She seemed very quiet, so I don’t know if me getting emotional makes it harder for her or if I made her uncomfortable. - Kyoko seemed to put a lot of effort into getting through later in the day though. I kept getting sort of a beeping static that felt like it was coming from my head. When I lay down and concentrated on it, I heard voices trying to speak more obviously, but couldn’t make out most of what was said. Kyoko - I feel like we are so close to having full vocal communication, like I just need to figure out how to tune you in. It makes me feel really happy that I’m making progress, but also frustrated that I’m right on the edge of understanding you but still can’t. There are times when I feel like you’re being very talkative but can’t make out what it is you’re saying. - The fact that I’m getting thought-static feedback when I’m not meditating though is a good sign I think. You were able to get my attention when I wasn’t meditating when I heard that, which encouraged me to put in extra meditation time to try to hear it better.
dragon cake May 10, 2018 Author May 10, 2018 Day 135 - This morning I heard a bunch of clamoring in my head, like sounds instead of voice clips, almost like someone was knocking random things over in a room. Not sure why. - I feel more depressed than I have in a while this morning. Also not sure why, but I guess the nature of clinical depression is that it doesn’t need a reason or a trigger. Kyoko told me ‘go’ which I assume meant get out of bed and go to work, but didn’t hear anything else during the day. - In the evening I meditated with Kyoko. For some reason it was snowing in my wonderland, though I’d never imagined it that way or with seasons in general. Kyoko sat with me in the castle courtyard in the snow, wearing a black and red outfit like something an anime high school girl might wear. I talked but didn’t hear anything. - Kyoko seemed possibly aggressive, but I was having trouble keeping her in mind. It wasn’t aggressive in an ‘I’m angry at you’ way, but more in a role-play way. I guess she did enjoy fighting monsters with me the other day, but I wasn’t really in the mood to play-fight. - Tried to listen for her voice. I wasn’t getting the static in my head like before but tried to concentrate on the place I heard it from before. No luck on that tonight so will try again. Day 137 - Nothing really to report yesterday. I went to work and came home and tried to meditate but couldn’t. I hope Kyoko wasn’t really angry or acting up the other day. - Today’s my day off and I tried several times to meditate but still no luck. Tried to hear Kyoko and tried to picture the Wonderland and it just doesn’t seem to be working. I’m getting sort of depressive. - Tried talking to my tulpa mentor on Discord, but they didn’t seem that interested in helping. Their response to me telling them how I felt was ‘Huh’ and then silence for several hours before I finally pointed out to them how dehumanizing that response was, but even then they didn’t seem that interested. I guess the mentor thing isn’t going to work after all. - That pretty much sent me into a spiral. I can’t feel Kyoko at all and I started feeling the thing lurking in the dark that I used to feel before I started with Kyoko. I can’t believe I’ve gone from being more hopeful than I have been to the closest to giving up that I have been in a few days.
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