Blayze's tulpa log and Kyoko's host log

[vtk]

It happens. It sucks, but it's probably temporary.

[dragon cake]

Day 138

 

- Meditated for over an hour and couldn’t feel Kyoko at all. Every time I tried to imagine her she was gone immediately.

 

- Finally felt her in the evening, but by then I was literally jumping at shadows. I don’t know why I devolved that quickly. Once I felt her here I imagined her guarding me from the other thoughtform and felt better almost immediately. I don’t even understand why I couldn’t imagine her even if she wasn’t there. I wish I understood all this more.

 

- She hasn’t spoken again so I still don’t know why I lost contact so much. I’m scared because if I made her angry or upset, I still don’t know what I did to do that and thus don’t know how to not do it again.

[dragon cake]

Stopping my 'mentorship' since my mentor hasn't ever actually given me advice. In the end I'm doing worse now than before I started talking to them. They've made their lack of interest pretty obvious so I guess in the end it was just another person that stepped on my faith.

I kind of wish tulpas were more of a religious thing, because then at least there would be people eager to help you.

 

I went onto the tulpa and hosts amino hoping to connect to something that would help. Found out that the other tulpa I wanted Kyoko to talk to is suicidal, so now I feel worse. Though I shouldn't be surprised at all this. This is pretty much the way everything I attempt eventually goes.

 

I'm going to message the potential mentors I haven't yet. If that doesn't work I don't know if I'm going to post here again because there isn't really a point.

[vtk]

There's a point. Even if nobody reads your progress report thread (I do) it still serves as a kind of diary. Either of you may find it interesting to reread in the future. At the very least, the very act of writing it can help you organize your thoughts and may catalyze greater clarity within your own mind.

[dragon cake]

There's a point. Even if nobody reads your progress report thread (I do) it still serves as a kind of diary. Either of you may find it interesting to reread in the future. At the very least, the very act of writing it can help you organize your thoughts and may catalyze greater clarity within your own mind.

 

It's doing more I think to remind me every day how long it's taken me. The day count is a lot higher than I thought it'd get before I had some significant vocality.

And if it's a diary, I can keep that on my own. All I'm doing it copy/pasting from my offline journal anyway, and even then I don't post 100% of it for the public to see, so if I read over it again I'm going to read that copy, not this one.

So really unless I can find an actual mentor that cares to read and respond to it, there's no point in making it public. And even the mentor idea has done more harm than good. All my first attempt did was put faith in someone who said they'd help but turned out to have no interest in giving advice or listening to what difficulties I had.

The whole experience ended up setting me back, I was hearing clips of voice, at least I thought I was, and now I'm back to barely being able to sense her. It seems to have happened every single time so far that I've put significant faith in anyone in the community. Which has only been three times, but it's really hard for me to trust people so each one is a huge set back. It's a vicious cycle where I make enough progress to put faith in someone and then have it smashed.

[OleGL]

Hi dragon cake.

 

Sorry for intervening your thread but I couldn't just pass by after reading it.

You made a good progress with visualization and wonderland affairs. There were several bad moments with you relyng on the indifferent and unworthy people. Don't let these moments influence on your relations with your tulpa.

We (me and Lia) made almost the same path as yours in the terms of time. There were many issues with the voice, appearance, sense of presence, disappearing for no reasons etc. Now, when Lia speaks fluently, she can explain things I just made assumptions about. That wrong assumptions that lead me into the deep frustration.

Based on our experience, I'd say the following:

There is basically no problem when your tulpa "disappears" for a couple of days, especially after some strong emotional stress. Tulpas are very empathic beings no matter how thick is their brigandine in the wonderland. They can feel selves too exhausted to communicate and need some time to "restore". Yes, it feels devastating for host but please be patient and compassionate. She can't just vanish so easily after all.

Speaking with the mindvoice is a common way of interaction with the host. It is also called "tulpish". In its basic form it sounds like you remembered that someone just said something without hearing a voice by itself. Upgrading this feeling into a full-fledged audial hallucination is a big deal and a long way.

Also we supposed that at your level of interaction Kyoko could barely think while being not in focus. So don't expect she pops up with a philosophical question right out of nowhere. And she is not in the wonderland "entertaining herself beating monsters etc". She is actually dormant waiting for your attention.

That's all for now. Finally, please don't give it up. Don't drop your diary into one of many graves out here.

(You could also take a look at our thread)

[dragon cake]

I appreciate the support.

[dragon cake]

22 May 2018

 

- I’m going to stop numbering my days so that I’m not so often reminded of how long it’s taking. I’ll start keeping track again later once I’m more stable.

 

- I got a response from Beatles’ tulpa Apollo and ThunderClap on tulpa.info from my requests for mentorship. I’m going to go ahead and talk to both of them if they will since I don’t really know enough to choose one. I feel like I need all the perspectives I can.

 

- I’m getting a lot of voice static in my head like I used to, like random thought voices saying random things, often completely unrelated to what I’m thinking or doing. It generally happens when I’m tired or meditating. It doesn’t worry me like it once did, since I realize that on its own it’s not harmful, but I think it’s getting in the way of my efforts to hear Kyoko.

 

- I’ve asked her to start prepending my name to things she says to me since the other voices have never done that. That way I’ll be able to tell. I’ve also been trying to prepend her name to things I direct at her in return, though it’s not exactly easy to get used to.

 

24 May 2018

 

- I think maybe Kyoko was shaken up by my recent crisis of faith. I kept getting surges of positive emotion, which while pleasant, make me worry that she’s exhausting herself trying to make me happy for fear I might stop working on her. She was very ‘huggy’ during my meditation and had to be encouraged to stop to do our usual exercises like paying attention to different things or attempting vocality. Then when I was going to stop the meditation she clung to me as if she was afraid I might not return. I comforted her and assured I would, but now I feel really bad for scaring her.

[dragon cake]

25 May 2018

 

- Waffles responded to my mentorship request too and I talked to them on Discord chat for a while. I haven’t yet gotten a Discord message from the other two that responded, so perhaps they’re busy or thinking about what they want to go over. I’ll give them some time to respond but I hope they do

 

- Waffles and I talked about letting go of expectations and how to get a tulpa able to act more autonomously. I’m not certain I really understand what I should do next though.

 

- During meditation tonight, I wasn’t able to communicate much with Kyoko if at all. I don’t think she’d intentionally avoid me after last time so maybe she exhausted herself. I am worried about her lack of responsiveness in general lately.

 

- I recorded my own personal meditation to start off my meditation section. Maybe having one customized for Kyoko will assist.

[dragon cake]

29 May 2018

 

- I’ve been meditating, though I’ve mostly just sat with Kyoko in the hot springs in my wonderland Haven and talked to her. She did respond a bit though not very much in a thought voice.

 

- I’m still having issues with knowing if a thought voice is her or not. I asked her to prepend my name onto things she says, and I haven’t heard that yet, so I’m starting to wonder if anything I’ve heard so far was her or if it was just the same vocal static I often hear.

 

- Another thing is some of the thought voice I hear make her seem angry, but the tulpish I get is more positive. I can only assume my anger at myself is yet another thing getting in the way of vocality. I don’t know how I can ever fix that though, and it only adds more confusion in what is and isn’t her, or even if I’ve ever heard her.

 

- I talked to ThunderClap a bit but they didn’t have a lot of time to talk before they had to go. I hope to talk to them later.

 

- Trying to talk out loud to Kyoko more when I’m playing games. I’m more or less talking like I’m doing a ‘let’s play’ on youtube but just talking to her.