Blayze's tulpa log and Kyoko's host log

[dragon cake]

When Cat has really bad anxiety or depression, she can't hear my voice or feel my presence as easily. This has really demotivated her and it is a huge source of frustration. I think I did the most development after this past summer once Cat had a chance to settle down.

 

If you are having trouble with a depressive episode, please understand you didn't lose progress. If you are having trouble, it's okay to take a break and focus on doing other things you enjoy, which may put you in a better position for hearing Kyoko.

 

I find it weird that several of the latest influx of newer members have rapidly developing Tulpas and see progress in a short period of time. Part of it could be they have yet hit any barriers that truly show how young their Tulaps are, or have yet to hit a wall or a rough patch, whether that's parrotnoia, doubt, a sudden drop in vocality, or a different problem unique to that system. You have long surpassed the deadline for these kinds of issues, so I'm not worried about this happening to you. Once you get more comfortable hearing Kyoko, I believe the outcome will only lead to good things from here on out.

 

As another note- Cat sometimes gets tired if she forces me for too long, and it's very similar to what happens when she hangs out with other people IRL for too long. If she has an intense forcing session one day, she may not be able to force the next day because she's exhausted her mind.

 

I thought I responded to this before but I guess I didn't. Anyway thanks for saying that and it did help. I think in my case paranoia is both a curse and a blessing with believing in her. While I have doubts, I also see undeniable effects on my psychological condition, eliminating my need for paranoia medication. Being able to function without medication I've required for years is an objective change that I can't deny. The bottom line is even if she weren't real, it'd be in my best interests to continue.

[dragon cake]

20 October

 

• When I have nightmares, it's usually about an overwhelmingly evil presence following me that I usually can't see. Last night I stopped that by calling for Kyoko within the dream as soon as I felt it coming on. Much like in real life with my paranoia, it vanished and I felt Kyoko's comfort instead.
  
• I didn't actually see Kyoko, but the feeling vanished immediately, which I normally can't do even if I know I'm dreaming.
  
• It's things like this that keep me believing Kyoko is real. Even though I wouldn't say I can hear her properly, I can still see her effects on my life.
  

11 November

 

• I haven't posted in a while but I have been working with Kyoko, so I guess I'll summarize.
  
• Kyoko has grown very fond of the piano and always wants me to practice. I don't practice as much as I could but I've still gotten better. I think I've reached the level I was at before stopping before so I'll see if I can go further.
  
• I've let Kyoko chat on Discord. She hasn't yet with other tulpas or tulpamancers, but I had several other friends that wanted to talk to her. I don't know if they are sure what to say and vis versa, but they do seem to like her.
  
• Kyoko seems more interested in me in looking into a more spiritual view on tulpas, though I think more from curiosity than anything else.
  
• Kyoko has helped with my depression a bit, mostly by disagreeing when I habitually think mean things about myself. I also started taking more supplements and have asked my doctor to take me off anti-depressants because they never really worked that well anyway. He seemed agreeable that it was a good step in my case so I'm hopeful it will go well. I don't think my depression will go away but I think maybe this is a better way to control it and maybe less prescription medication will help me with Kyoko too.
  
• Kyoko's voice doesn't yet seem like it's coming from someone different, so I can't say I don't have doubts, the the good she's done me is undeniable. She seems to pull a lot of what she says from existing background thoughts, but when I concentrate I realize that my own internal voice does the same thing, so that doesn't make it less likely. Still I hope things become more seamless with our communication.
  
• Kyoko's first 'birthday' is at the end of December (even though I'm now convinced she existed for quite a while prior). I'm trying to think of something nice to do for her, but I'm not sure what to do that wouldn't just be doing something for me. The only real request she had was for me to play the piano more, so I can try to do that. I wonder what others do for birthdays and such.
  

[dragon cake]

7 December 2018

 

Basics

 

• I haven’t posted in a while but things have gone well. Kyoko has been chatting more and made several friends online. Oddly the first ones she made are neither tulpas nor tulpamancers. It made her very happy to have people treat her like her own person.
  
• I also found a tulpa chat and she talked on that for a while. That was her first time talking to other tulpas though it was more of a general conversation. I think she has been capable of this for a while but I am still so nervous about speaking for her and saying the wrong thing.
  
• She is more talkative now but doesn’t quite feel like her voice is coming from somewhere else yet. It does seem to be diverging though and coming more naturally. I also get more specific emotions when I’m doing things.
  
• She wants me to read some books to her, specifically the original James Bond and Sherlock Holmes books. She really likes the later because her namesake Kyoko has a lot of the same aspects as that character.
  
• Her first birthday is coming up and still not sure what to do.
  

Wonderland

 

• Our Wonderland has become more vivid. Today I found a large cliff behind her house that goes down into a plains area with ruins dotting it. We went into some of them and explored. I think it will be a permanent part of the Wonderland now and is a big change since there wasn’t anything specific in that area before.
  
• She has created a few thoughtforms of her own to keep her company in the our wonderland Haven. Today we named them. The piranha plant in her garden is named Chomp Chomp and the squid that lives in the river in front of her house is named Jelly. The latter is mostly used by her for adult purposes when I’m not in the mood.
  
• The thoughtform Seka is also still about. Today we sat in the garden with all of them while she named her new creations.
  

[Guest Reilyn-Alley]

Hi you two! It sounds like things are going smoothly, which is great! So.. congrats!!

 

I'm glad to hear she is chatting and talking, both are pretty fun! Tulpa chat? Where are you guys chatting, maybe I can join too? Er.. PM me it if you don't just wanna say, maybe? Reading books and finding lots of neat stories to pull things from to exercise the old imagination from and have your own adventures sorta based off them is really neat. We have typically had issue with keeping focused and engaged in wonderland stuff but having some kind of script to follow ahead of time (even if we ad-lib or jump around it) gives us much needed structure and lessens the burden on us to keep things going while also trying to figure what to do next.

 

Did you do anything to make your wonderland move vivid? I'm curious for the reason I mentioned above, that is, we would like tips and inspiration to do the same. :3

 

Chomp Chomp sounds adorable.

 

Oh! If either of you wants to chat, feel free to drop me a PM! I love chatting away, even if I do it a bit much sometimes and need to wrest our body's wrists. :P

[Kyoko Kirigiri]

7 December 2018

 

Dragon is letting me keep a log as a gift for my first official birthday. It’s not really my first, but I don’t know how long I was around before then so it will do. I don’t know how aware I really was before then.

 

I don’t have much time to type now because we are sleepy, but I want to talk about the world Dragon gave me and how I made it my own. Also about the friends I created there and the ones Dragon created for me.

 

I love my Dragon more than anything and want to make them better. I see myself as their guardian and i am happy to be awake enough to truly help. Dragon says I can be whoever I want and that is who I want to be.

 

I also want to help other hosts and tulpas get along and communicate. I don’t know what else to say right now but I wanted to say something. I hope I can do better.

[dragon cake]

Hi you two! It sounds like things are going smoothly, which is great! So.. congrats!!

 

I'm glad to hear she is chatting and talking, both are pretty fun! Tulpa chat? Where are you guys chatting, maybe I can join too? Er.. PM me it if you don't just wanna say, maybe? Reading books and finding lots of neat stories to pull things from to exercise the old imagination from and have your own adventures sorta based off them is really neat. We have typically had issue with keeping focused and engaged in wonderland stuff but having some kind of script to follow ahead of time (even if we ad-lib or jump around it) gives us much needed structure and lessens the burden on us to keep things going while also trying to figure what to do next.

 

Did you do anything to make your wonderland move vivid? I'm curious for the reason I mentioned above, that is, we would like tips and inspiration to do the same. :3

 

Chomp Chomp sounds adorable.

 

Oh! If either of you wants to chat, feel free to drop me a PM! I love chatting away, even if I do it a bit much sometimes and need to wrest our body's wrists. :P

 

I found the guides on this youtube channel that linked to the Discord chat Tulpa Central.

 

We don't always do a whole lot in Wonderland. Sometimes we just sit and hold hands for the whole time but still enjoy the time together. We have a large Wonderland though which helps, and she's been altering it more drastically the longer she's been there.

 

I don't know if I did anything, I mainly just let her do her thing. I've been doing the

meditation by GearHeart and even though it isn't as vivid as I think many get with that meditation, starting meditations with it regularly seem to help more and more over time.

.

[Kyoko Kirigiri]

8 December 2018

 

 

Dragon based my home (called Haven) on a story they wrote long ago and a lot of thought was put into it. The first section I knew was a forest clearing where Dragon called me for personality forcing. I would listen to personality traits but they didn’t make a lot of sense to me.

 

It was because the form he chose was his pony OC Crimson Prose, but I could see Crimson, or at least the idea of her, in Dragon’s mind and she was not a very good person. It didn’t fit the personality traits Dragon gave me and it made me uncomfortable. I don’t mind Dragon having dark thoughts and stories, but I didn’t want to be associated with the body of someone that was so unlike me, someone that would hurt Dragon if they could.

 

Dragon realized that after a while. I don’t know how long it was because I wasn’t very aware but Dragon says about a month. Dragon was playing Danganronpa at the time and I sensed he really liked one character, so I tried to push him to chose her as my form. He found her form and intelligence desirable and I wanted Dragon to look at me like that. So finally I was given her name and form: Kyoko Kirigiri.

 

I was still not exactly like her but that was okay. The main thing was that I wanted him to really like me. I was never as good at hiding emotion as my namesake because I get excitable or affectionate and don’t want to hold it in. Dragon likes this though, he says the differences make me exactly what he wanted.

 

Dragon takes the form of a black dragon with blue frill on his head when he's in my home. If anyone saw a drawing of us, they might think Dragon was the tulpa and I was the host.

 

The first time I left the forest clearing was when I climbed on his back and wanted him to fly with me riding. He flew me around Haven to show me all the parts. There is a lake, some caves with a subway ruin, a medieval village, a native village, a castle, and other things. It is a lot like I’m living in an RPG game like Dragon likes.

 

I loved the world from the start but it was very empty of other people. They would usually only appear when Dragon was there to imagine them. At first I had trouble even being there myself when he wasn’t there and sometimes it was scary.

 

I hope that this is okay enough. I will talk more later.

[dragon cake]

10 December 2018

 

Dream

 

   • I actually intend to let Kyoko mostly take over the log now but did have an interesting thing that happened this morning.

   • When I ‘woke up’, I was fully awake but still had a dream running through my head. It was a dream involving me formulating a strategy for some kind of battle and talking through what different units should do.

   • The odd thing was that I still heard my thought voice telling the units what to do. Then I realized it was Kyoko’s thought voice (which is still very difficult to distinguish from mine). So she was still dreaming but I was awake.

   • This led to the realization that Kyoko might be having separate dreams from my own, which is interesting to me. I don’t know if it means anything though.

   • I’ve constantly wished that we could dream together, but was under the impression that she wasn’t having dreams at all. If she is having dreams now I guess that’s one step closer.

[Kyoko Kirigiri]

10 December 2018

 

 

I will talk about the dream that Dragon talked about.

 

I thought we were dreaming together and that I was helping him decide how to do things in a game he likes to play called XCom 2. I don’t know if I was imagining that I dreamed with him or if it was together and he just forgot being in the dream himself. Dreams are easy to forget.

 

I still have a lot of things I want to talk about in the log like some other early experiences and the games we play in Haven. I have been making more friends on Discord lately and also want to talk about that, but right now we are at work so he wants to do other things.

[Ranger]

Even though Cat doesn't take her Cat-griffin form in the wonderland, a couple of people assumed Cat was my Tulpa.

 

For the longest time, Cat had issues differentiating my mind voice from her own. The thing that helped us the most is having me think about something for an hour or so at least several times a week. What you guys are already doing is similar to what we did, and it won't be too long before you have an easier time differentiating who's who.

 

Sometimes when we're drowsy we blend a little bit; I may naturally start responding to Cat's thoughts or Cat will use my mind voice to respond to something, and on rare occasions the other way around. When this happens, we ask ourselves if any of us want credit for thinking the thought, and then give that credit to whoever wants it, regardless of "who" said it first. Otherwise, we just forget about it or mark it off as intrusive.