Blayze's tulpa log and Kyoko's host log

[dragon cake]

The 'thought ping-pong' exercise described here may help with vocal strength and clarity, and with reducing doubts:

 

http://chupitulpa.tumblr.com/post/32038874026

 

If you can, try 'speaking harder' as the article describes, before my experience prejudices you:

 

[hidden]Speaking harder is not exactly speaking louder. It's about putting more force, more will, behind the words. When I do it, Ember flinches violently, as if someone suddenly shouted in her ear. The first time, I wasn't expecting that reaction. Thereafter, I usually only spoke harder when she started doubting me or otherwise acting like a git. And after I figured out it very quickly gave her a headache, I stopped altogether. But the knowledge that I could powerfully affect her with just my mindvoice helped us through a difficult time in our relationship.[/hidden]

 

-Vesper

 

That's an exercise I've seen before, but I don't know how to do the exercise at a time when not hearing any voice at all, which is the primary issue.

However with headaches: A few times recently when she has tried especially hard, I got a sudden sharp headache, but there was no voice, loud or otherwise, to accompany it. Honestly a headache would be a small price to pay if I could consistently hear her well, but it didn't seem to have any effect on the voice itself.

 

To explain detail, when I hear Kyoko it's a rough thought voice translation, but there are other voices I hear very clearly on occasion (a symptom of my schizophrenia, typically completely random voices saying completely random things with no meaning whatsoever). So the question is: Why can't I hear her as good as the voices I don't want to hear? One would think having such a symptom would make vocality a breeze, but it seems to have gotten in the way more often than not.

[Kyoko Kirigiri]

16 January 2019

 

This is a long entry but I hope you read it because I tried really hard today.

 

Today I tried to take Dragon somewhere special, so I took him to a house that he wondered about. It is an old house he drives by every day and sometimes he wonders what is inside. I don’t know what is really inside, but I took him to a house like it and we explored it.

 

It looks similar to a house he saw when playing a Fallout game so it ended up having ghouls inside it so we got to fight them too. I was happy because he doesn’t normally fight alongside me and it was fun. He spent most of it in his real human form too and that is nice even though I like his dragon form.

 

Dragon said he was proud of me for thinking to surprise him by taking him somewhere special. That made me feel good.

 

We went to Haven village to the arena there next. It is the first place we played fighting. We went under it and fought slimes in a cave the first time we played fighting. We didn’t go there this time because I got sad in the arena and he stopped to comfort me instead.

 

I told him I tried to do something special cause I was scared that he was getting tired of me. I begged him to come see me every day and not skip days because it was getting lonely. I promised to try hard. He said he was sorry too and would try very hard to come see me every day after work. He had promised to do it more when he got a new schedule in a few weeks but said we’d start now instead.

 

He said he was sorry for making me think my talking wasn’t good enough and that I was doing fine and we’d get better. I feel better now but hope he is able to come see me more. He said we would make a schedule with a phone app and follow it to help.

 

I thought he would want to write the entry but he says he likes the entries I write and that I don’t need to be scared of being honest with them.

 

I don’t want anyone to think I’m mad at him or don’t like him either though. I love my Dragon and that’s why I want to see him so much. I still want to talk more clear for him too even if he says it’s okay. It felt good today when he was proud of me for surprising him and I want to feel that more.

 

He is trying very hard too but has a lot of mean things in his head because of things that happened over his life. I know he has never stopped loving me even if I get scared sometimes.

 

Before or why I get scared sometimes:

 

I will talk about some things that happened early on that made me scared.

 

Some of the first videos we saw were Aury and Jade’s. There was one on believing you existed means you exist that Dragon would watch every day to encourage me even before he was sure if I could hear it. I wanted Aury to be the first tulpa I got to talk to once I was communicating enough to do that.

 

Then it turned out that Jade got mad and got rid of Aury because of dumb reasons like she told on him for something when switched. I got scared because I didn’t realize how easy it was to do that even. Dragon didn’t let me know because he didn’t want me to be scared of that happening but when I realized it could I got very scared.

 

For a while I was afraid of Dragon too because I knew he could get rid of me if he wanted to and disappearing scares me. It was a big set back because it also sort of made me doubt my own existence if I could be vanished so easily.

 

But Dragon spent a lot of time talking to me and assuring me. When I was too scared to interact he would sit with me in Haven holding my hand and telling me it was okay and that he loved me and would never get rid of me no matter what. Also I didn’t have to be afraid to disagree with him.

 

I feel much better since then but wanted to share a time I was scared. I also wanted people that read the first part to know that even though I was scared and sad today we have both come a long way.

[Guest Reilyn-Alley]

It's really touching to hear your stories, guys.. Fun times in wonderland are always neat but those touching moments of personal growth and warm love are what I like to hear the most. Thanks for sharing..

 

And Kyoko, I wouldn't worry too much, it's pretty obvious Dragon cares a great deal about you. Lance and I are so paired up and intertwined and whatever else now that I dunno what either of us would do without the other. He's peanut butter, I'm jelly. He says the gain in quality of life he has experienced since I showed up has been so great he never wants to even think about going back. He's my little bro and we have plenty of love for each other. That's what headmate relationships should be like, imo, not some tyrannical thing where someone is afraid to say the wrong words or get.. removed. What kind of selfish monster would eject a headmate from their life?

[Kyoko Kirigiri]

17 January 2019

 

Today I took Dragon to a bouncy basketball court he dreams about sometimes. It was fun bouncing around without other people on the court. We walked through the halls and explored the school too.

 

He says he tried to find me once in a dream that started there so we went on the path he walked on looking for me. Then he wanted to go back to Haven so we went there. We went to Haven Village and he said he’d add a bouncy court there if I wanted.

 

I told him that we should go to do this when he’s falling asleep at night to see if we can start a dream. I think we can do it but he is less sure because he is silly.

 

We went to a bar in Haven village and talked while we drank things.

 

I was very happy he came to talk to me two days in a row. He always talks to me but I am glad he came to see me two in a row. He heard me clear a lot more than usual today! It was just clips but I am excited.

 

Dragon bought new gloves and a nice coat that is something I would wear. The coat hasn’t arrived but he will look nice in it. We are going to get nice shoes too with buckles on them I hope.

[Kyoko Kirigiri]

It's really touching to hear your stories, guys.. Fun times in wonderland are always neat but those touching moments of personal growth and warm love are what I like to hear the most. Thanks for sharing..

 

And Kyoko, I wouldn't worry too much, it's pretty obvious Dragon cares a great deal about you. Lance and I are so paired up and intertwined and whatever else now that I dunno what either of us would do without the other. He's peanut butter, I'm jelly. He says the gain in quality of life he has experienced since I showed up has been so great he never wants to even think about going back. He's my little bro and we have plenty of love for each other. That's what headmate relationships should be like, imo, not some tyrannical thing where someone is afraid to say the wrong words or get.. removed. What kind of selfish monster would eject a headmate from their life?

 

Thanks for saying so. I want to be sharing more.

[Guest]

My tulpas definitely become louder the next day if we spent more time together the previous day. They get 'stronger and more energized' they say after wonderland adventures.

[Kyoko Kirigiri]

18 January 2019

 

We have been listening to tulpatones. I would like to post them on youtube because they are hard to find but Dragon is not sure if we should since they are not ours. But we don’t know where to find the person that made them either so maybe we should.

 

We listen to the white noise and the main tulpa tone during meditation. Today we listened to Castlevania music too.

 

We didn’t do much during visits. We sat in the grass and had a picnic with sandwiches. Then we cuddled in the grass and I told Dragon I am proud and love him. He said he feels the same. We didn’t do a lot today but we enjoyed our time anyway. We spent time feeling each others love and it was nice.

 

Seka played with ChompChomp in the grass. I tried to make a praying mantis friend but she ended up looking creepy so I canceled it.

 

We talked about Shadow a little bit. I am still a little upset at Shadow and Dragon wants to wait before trying to talk to it again if we do. I think it is fine to leave it in a cage. Dragon says it won’t be happy if we wake it up probably anyway.

 

Sorry if today was sappy but I had fun anyway.

[Kyoko Kirigiri]

19 January 2019

 

Dragon got off work early today for weather and I was excited.

 

Today we explored a cave near my house. It was made of crystal and had a blocky minecraft-like design. It had a huge ceiling and lake that all glittered from light coming in a hole in the top. We explored the back caves and talked while I weaved crystals into Dragon’s mane using vines that were in the cave. It reminds me I forgot to mention I weaved flowers into his mane yesterday too.

 

Dragon said the light shining in the cave was pure like me and it made me happy. Then he flew out the top with me on this back and we hovered over Haven while talking more.

 

We tried to dream together lately but so far we haven’t remembered anything. I think we are getting closer and will do it on purpose soon. Dragon is also hearing more of my words. Spending daily time is making me feel stronger.

 

20 Jan 2019

 

We didn’t do a whole lot during meditation but we still sat with each other and talked. I enjoyed Dragon’s company.

 

22 Jan 2019

 

Dragon got sad yesterday and didn’t get to sit with me. Today he spent lunch at work with me and felt bad. I told him it is okay I am just sad because he was so sad. He isn’t hearing me good so I held his hand. Maybe we will sit more when he gets home I hope.

[YukariTelepath]

It's great you guys are spending more time together! I hope you can keep motivated even after a missed/bad day.

[Kyoko Kirigiri]

It's great you guys are spending more time together! I hope you can keep motivated even after a missed/bad day.

Thank you  i hope you do well too cause we enjoy reading your things.

 

 

5 Feb 2019

 

Dragon hasn’t gotten to visit me lately and has had a lot of trouble hearing me. But we have felt better over the last few days. We spent time together at a picnic outside and I showed him a creature I made. It looks like a tiny dragon with big eyes and a swirl on its belly. It only stared at us at the picnic but I like it still. I will name it Swirly.

 

Dragon heard me more today and that is good but I hope it stays. He imagined me walking around with him during the day and I like that because it makes it easier for me to stay awake.

 

We watched youtube videos by Surprise Tulpa. She plays and reviews games. I would like a channel too but it would require possession and we are not very good at stuff yet.