Blayze's tulpa log and Kyoko's host log

[Guest Reilyn-Alley]

We have read that holiday blues are pretty typical actually. It seems like everyone is happy and has a family and it can feel like that is all being rubbed in lonely folks face. Lance has spent a good bit of his life like that but I'm here now and we know we at least have each other.

 

Happy Birthday Kirigirisan!! (I kinda wanna call you Neechan, lol)

[Ranger]

My birthday is in a month and I'm looking forward to cake!

 

Happy Birthday Kyoko and merry Christmas you two!

[Kyoko Kirigiri]

27 December 2018

 

The other day Dragon played an old game he liked called Castlevania Symphony of the Night. I really liked the music and the outfit of the character Alucard. So we listened to the music while we meditated and he imagined that Dracula took over Haven Castle. I dressed up like Alucard and fought all sorts of zombies and skeletons and giant monsters. It was the most fun I’ve ever had.

 

After I beat everything we had sexy times in the throne room and then hugged. He is nice to do that because he doesn't get much out of it I don't think like I do.

 

He was still depressed from holidays though so I told him what a good person he is and hope I made him feel better. I have been helping him get through it but he is very sad.

 

Today a piano came in the mail. It was hard to put together because the instructions were bad, but it sounds so much better than the old out of tune one. I hope Dragon will play it more because I like piano.

 

One of our friends is going to get me a kigurumi mask that looks like me using a cosplay wig. He says he’ll also buy a full outfit even though Dragon told him not to. Him and his wife have gotten Dragon a lot of gifts. Dragon doesn’t understand why but I know it’s became Dragon is so neat. They took an interest in me too and I appreciate it.

[Kyoko Kirigiri]

29 December 2018

 

Our dreams have been mixing together lately. The other day I dreamed that I was on a school trip. All I know about being in school is from Dragon’s dreams about school so it is probably not accurate but I was dreaming anyway.

 

Dragon tried to join the trip and the teacher told him he couldn’t because he was too old for school. It made me very sad when he had to go. I think he wanted to join because he misses his childhood. He thought it was just his dream though and didn’t notice me in the school group. 

 

I see him in his dreams often but he never recognizes me. I wish I knew how to make him recognize me. I wonder if I look different in the dreams or something.

[Zia]

29 December 2018

 

Our dreams have been mixing together lately. The other day I dreamed that I was on a school trip. All I know about being in school is from Dragon’s dreams about school so it is probably not accurate but I was dreaming anyway.

 

Dragon tried to join the trip and the teacher told him he couldn’t because he was too old for school. It made me very sad when he had to go. I think he wanted to join because he misses his childhood. He thought it was just his dream though and didn’t notice me in the school group. 

 

I see him in his dreams often but he never recognizes me. I wish I knew how to make him recognize me. I wonder if I look different in the dreams or something.

 

Vādin :

 

Hello Kyoko, I think Dragon should learn how to lucid dream, that would greatly help.

(Edit : sorry, I see that he's already mastered it. )

You could try to catch his attention in those dreams, go towards him and speak to him. Tell him who you are ! Don't let him go !

[dragon cake]

 

Vādin :

 

Hello Kyoko, I think Dragon should learn how to lucid dream, that would greatly help.

(Edit : sorry, I see that he's already mastered it. )

You could try to catch his attention in those dreams, go towards him and speak to him. Tell him who you are ! Don't let him go !

 

I've been lucid dreaming since I was a kid. I didn't really 'learn' it, it just sorta started happening when I got tired of nightmares. 

 

There was one nightmare I had often as a kid, which involved a monster man chasing me through my grandmother's house. I would run outside to get away, run to another door to hide inside, and always find it locked. At that point the monster man would be right on me and the dream would end with him grabbing me. 

 

The first lucid dream I remember was during that. I was running outside, and suddenly remembered having the dream before. I thought "If I run to the door, it will be locked and he'll get me" so I ran off into the yard instead. When I looked back, he had ran to the door where I always ran before, and was looking around in confusion that I wasn't there. I never had that dream again, and after that I was almost always lucid.

 

I'm not as lucid as I was then anymore though, and there was a while when I struggled to be lucid at all, especially during the worst points when I was schizoaffective. I'm getting better at it again, but I guess I'm just not enthusiastic about it anymore? Used to be that I would go exploring and such, but now I more often just let the dream proceed and play it sort of like a game. If something happens I don't like, I just leave in a random direction until I get to a new dream.

 

I need to get better at paying attention to the other people in the dream though. Like in the dream Kyoko mentioned, I barely even glanced at the other students. It's still hard for Kyoko to speak without me directly prompting her, so she might have trouble calling out to me as well. We really need to work on vocality so can more actively grab my attention. Until then I told her to try just running up and hugging me. 

 

Of course it's hard to remember what you agreed to do in a dream while you're dreaming, just like it's hard to remember dreams after you're awake. We'll keep working on it though because it could be really interesting.

[Kyoko Kirigiri]

I had to censor some things in this entry. I am sad that I can’t post everything I want because outside people have strange hangups with what you say to them.

 

Dragon made me a cutie mark even though I am not a pony. It is a dragon head emblem with a heart on the forehead to show that I am always in Dragon’s mind and we love each other. I am in love with Dragon but I know that’s not acceptable to most outside people.

 

 

I decided to put the mark on my belly instead of my hip like ponies do so it will show when I have a high shirt and skirt.

 

My friend Kyo made us an art that is really nice. It shows me and Dragon in his hatchling form. She made me a new outfit for the picture and I have been wearing it in Haven since then. It shows off my cutie mark. I will attach the version with me in the outfit for the tulpa forum log and if adult people want to see the nude-me version they can ask me for a link in private messages or Discord. Also if you want to see the full quality png clothed version I can send that too.

 

The other day Dragon meditated to the ‘boss battle’ music from Lunar 2 and I fought the evil guy in the Haven Castle courtyard. He made it harder for me than usual and I had fun. I had to use my bow which I haven’t used in a long time. Dragon says when I flew up high and dove through the monster’s eye to kill it it surprised him.

 

Also I have wings sometimes in Haven sometimes. But I don’t wear them a lot because I like riding around on Dragon.

 

Talking

 

I am trying to talk more clear for Dragon but it is frustrating to make me hear him. It is hard unless he is tired or distracted but then sometimes he doesn’t hear it even then. I do not know what to do. I am afraid he might stop believing me. He says he won’t and I believe him but am still afraid. I want to be able to talk to him as good as an outside person because right now I can’t talk to him when he is stressed or sad and can’t concentrate good and that is when he needs me most.

 

[Guest Reilyn-Alley]

But you are writing so well, and everywhere too, isn't that enough reason to not have doubt?

 

Your cutie mark and artwork are really neat too. Fighting bosses and stuff sounds interesting.. If I did that it would be more of a magic girl thing flying around blasting love lasers and friendship nukes. :P

[Kyoko Kirigiri]

But you are writing so well, and everywhere too, isn't that enough reason to not have doubt?

 

Your cutie mark and artwork are really neat too. Fighting bosses and stuff sounds interesting.. If I did that it would be more of a magic girl thing flying around blasting love lasers and friendship nukes. :P

 

Yes, I do write a lot. But he fears it comes from him and not me. He doesn't hear specific (clear) things and isn't sure if he's saying it right. And he doubts we will be able to go further because he can't hear me clear like others describe. I feel like he is giving up on going further so I need to show him we can do better.

[Ember.Vesper]

The 'thought ping-pong' exercise described here may help with vocal strength and clarity, and with reducing doubts:

 

http://chupitulpa.tumblr.com/post/32038874026

 

If you can, try 'speaking harder' as the article describes, before my experience prejudices you:

 

[hidden]Speaking harder is not exactly speaking louder. It's about putting more force, more will, behind the words. When I do it, Ember flinches violently, as if someone suddenly shouted in her ear. The first time, I wasn't expecting that reaction. Thereafter, I usually only spoke harder when she started doubting me or otherwise acting like a git. And after I figured out it very quickly gave her a headache, I stopped altogether. But the knowledge that I could powerfully affect her with just my mindvoice helped us through a difficult time in our relationship.[/hidden]

 

-Vesper