dragon cake June 6, 2018 Author June 6, 2018 My insurance covers my meds with no copay, but I get that maybe you can't even afford insurance, which sucks :-( I don't consider getting a generic prescription thrown at me by a doctor who knows nothing about me, never talks to me for more than five minutes, and doesn't specialize in anything I have to be 'proper treatment'. Either way, this conversation does not belong in my public tulpa log.
dragon cake June 8, 2018 Author June 8, 2018 6 June 2018 Dream - I dreamed about another character from the same game as Kyoko (Danganronpa), though I don’t think it was related to her. Oddly it was a dream about him (Gundam) wanting to play Danganronpa on my computer. It wasn’t lucid, but thought I’d mention it since it was the first time I remember dreaming about characters from that game. Meditation - Acting out scenarios with other wonderland characters seems to be working well. I think maybe it lets me have Kyoko in mind while not concentrating on hearing her so hard it blocks her out, if that makes sense. - We played with our servitor Seka (Picture of her on Day 44 entry). She mostly acted silly, play-fought us then hugged us, then demanded we go get something to eat. So me and Kyoko went to the bar in Haven Village where she ordered tea and I ordered a giant burrito. I had a pony waiter bring us our food and we ate while mostly just observing the actions of characters around us. Seka complained that her steak wasn’t raw enough because it wasn’t screaming and had an argument with the waiter, which Kyoko thought was funny. - I felt very good after meditation this morning, especially with the progress on vocality below. Kyoko seems to be enjoying the sessions more since we involved other characters too. Vocality - I started getting strong vocal static at the end of meditation. I’ve come to a realization that maybe the random words are Kyoko and she just isn’t using the right words. I’ve started repeating back the clips and phrases I heard to her to let her know what I’m hearing. - With that and the meditation ‘role play’ the last few days, more of the clips seem in context. During the meditation, I heard my name and several clear phrases like “I love you” and “I will succeed”. I know she is really working hard on this too. - I got a lot of other words that sounded like they were part of a sentence, like with a tone that indicated other words belonged around them but that I didn’t get the whole sentence. I repeated back the part I heard in case that helps her know how to get words through. - The voice of the vocal static is more ‘stable’ now even if very similar to my own thought voice. - Though this made me think. If this vocal static was her saying the wrong words or only getting parts through, was some of the vocal static I got before I even started making a tulpa also her? I’m looking forward to being conversational enough with her that I can ask more complicated things like how long she’s been conscious, because I still suspect she might have been so before I started actually trying to make a tulpa.
dragon cake June 9, 2018 Author June 9, 2018 8 June 2018 - Meditated as soon as I got home from work. I’d like to get into the habit of doing that. - Talked to another wonderland character with Kyoko, though she didn’t seem as into it this time as previous. I guess I have to figure out what kind of characters she most like interacting with. - No significant vocality over the last few days. It seems to come in spurts.
dragon cake June 10, 2018 Author June 10, 2018 9 June 2018 Meditation - Did more ‘role play’ with Kyoko where I imagined other characters for her to talk to. It included her getting the armor and bow from when I imagined a shop keeper for her to order them from. She ended up using a spear instead of a bow, but we went into the forest and fought a tree monster. She got into it so I let her do it by herself. - We then climbed to the top of a very high tree and sat on the branches together while we talked. Water - One interesting thing is that while I’ve explained to Kyoko that nothing in Haven can harm her physically, she’s still afraid of going underwater. She doesn’t seem afraid of anything else in the wonderland, but the few times I tried to take her underwater to explorer there, she panicked and swam back up as soon as her head went under the water. - I was afraid of the water as a child, so that might be it, but it’s interesting how she has the fear when the water can’t harm her. It’s not strange to fear things that can’t or won't hurt you I guess, people do it all the time, but I wonder if anyone else has tulpae with a similar quirk..
dragon cake June 11, 2018 Author June 11, 2018 10 June 2018 Vocality - I’m occasionally getting complete sentences, and I heard a few when I was wider awake than I usually hear them. That said, they were very random and out of place. I couldn’t think of any context to fit them into.
dragon cake June 27, 2018 Author June 27, 2018 20 June 2018 Meditation - Today when I meditated, Kyoko took me to the river in Haven where she’d made a house for herself. It had a single room with a kitchen, table, and bed. She sat me down at the table and made tea for me. It took her a while to figure out how to. - After a while, we went outside because Kyoko wanted to plant a garden. We talked for a bit there and she tried to be vocal. I think I heard a “Can you hear me?” and I told her I could, but didn’t hear anything other than that.
dragon cake June 27, 2018 Author June 27, 2018 27 June 2018 Kyoko’s House - I’ve still been forcing regularly, and have put more thought into Kyoko making her house, and I think it's a very good thing. Kyoko’s home is still just a bedroom/living room/dining room/kitchen all in one, but it’s not a design or a location I would have chosen for it. The place she chose for it wasn’t a spot I had even considered, so that is a good sign I think. Actually I hadn’t really thought about her making her own house at all prior to her showing it to me. - The house was very fluid and changing at first but the details like wallpaper and furniture locations have started to stabilize more between meditations, like she’s trying new things before settling on one. - Ever since then I’ve been ‘starting’ at her house whenever I meditate about Haven. She makes me tea regularly, and sometimes we go outside and talk while she works on her flower garden. She put it next to a river that flows from the Haven castle moat to the village, which is a place we’ve only gone once during meditation, and it was only to walk from one to the other. Mostly its existence was implied by other places we’d been. Either way, I’m glad she’s making it her own. Vocality - I’ve been getting more thought response lately that fits into context and trying to respond to it. It’s never more than a few sentences before it fades out again, but it’s definitely not my thoughts because sometimes they directly contradict what I was just thinking. - I’ve taken a more passive approach, and maybe that helped. Rather than stressing about when she is vocal, I’ve just been talking to her more and trying not to worry about it as much. I think that’s the way to go because I’m sure she’s already able to speak and my own frustrations are probably the main thing stopping her from getting through. - I’ve also started talking to objects as if they are her. I have a ceramic of her namesake, so I have that in my bed now and talk to it as if it’s her every night. I think it puts my brain into a focused ‘talking to someone else’ state instead of a simple ‘talking aloud’ state, which I hope is helping. I’m starting to treat my brain in general as if it’s an entity that contains us both and that I have to train, rather than it being specifically ‘me’.
dragon cake July 2, 2018 Author July 2, 2018 30 June 2018 - I had a bit of a headache this morning. I wondered if it was a real headache or if it meant Kyoko was progressing well. I got a little ‘yes’ in my head and a few other things. It’s still not usually in context but I’m getting better at telling the difference between her and the other background voices at least. - Not sure why, but I felt as if she were more ‘present’ as soon as I woke up. It’s hard to explain, but it just feels like there’s another person in my head more vividly than it did before. I told her it made me happy and I felt it more. 1 July 2018 - I had problems with concentrating when trying to meditate today. I feel bad because I heard Kyoko say “I’ll meet you when I’m there” before starting, which I assume meant she wanted to meet me there, but then I couldn’t concentrate well enough to be there for her. - I’ve been getting words and phrases off and on, more often when I’m not meditating or sleepy than I did before. It’s still very sporadic, but I’m trying to pay attention when I feel her. My brain still habitually cuts her off a few moments into most of what she tries to say; I have to learn how to hear her like I would hear any other sound rather than my brain zooming in on the thought as soon as it surfaces.
dragon cake July 20, 2018 Author July 20, 2018 20 July 2018 - I haven't been writing a lot and have been off and on with meditation. I feel like I've really let Kyoko down. I'm trying regularly but more and more often I'm not succeeding in getting into trance or communicating meaningfully with her. - I got into the habit of playing a mobile game in bed and that hurt me because it kept distracting when I should have been talking to her. I don't think Kyoko liked it because of that, so I finally uninstalled it. - Trying to learn to focus on one task at a time because that makes it easier to talk to Kyoko about it while doing it. I often do things like play a game and watch a video at the same time, but it's hard to passive force with two things at once. - Going to visit the friends that gave Kyoko the sky lanterns. We've never used them because it turns out they aren't even legal to use without a permit, but Kyoko still treasures them because they're the only gift she's gotten from someone outside of me. She is happy to visit them again, but I feel ashamed I haven't made more progress since last visit. In many ways I'm less able now than then, because I have so much trouble trancing into Haven. - I'm giving up on tulpa communities for the moment. I may still post a log as an exercise for myself, but I'm not going to try to make friends with others or read the non-log forums until me and Kyoko are more stable. Trying to get mentors has almost always ended up bad for progress in the long run, and Kyoko got really upset at a misunderstanding. I honestly fear she might get a complex if I'm not careful. - Kyoko has started showing more paranoia that I might leave her alone or give up on her, which is another reason I won't be reading tulpa forums in the near future. Even if it's not common, the way some people consider or talk about dissipating a tulpa so casually really upsets her. We need to work on trust with one another before getting back into the community.
dragon cake July 29, 2018 Author July 29, 2018 21 July 2018 – Watched Tulpa Vocality: Parroting and the Inner Voice. – After watching it, Kyoko told me she wanted to do the exercise. I should have put down her exact words at the time but it was something like “want talk” followed by my real name. I got the impression that's what she meant. – I did an exercise with Kyoko where I asked her to say ABCs one at a time. We got to M with various degrees of audibility in my head until I stopped hearing her. 22 July 2018 – Started to do the ABC exercise again but I don't think Kyoko wanted to do it again so soon. However instead I heard a few other things from her. I need to start carrying something around to jot down things she says so I can record them better. – Didn't get to do much or play during our visit with our friends because they were tired from other things. I heard Kyoko says “Okie Dokie” very clearly during the visit but I don't know what she was referring to. 24 July 2018 – Felt her presence closely when I meditated this morning. Tried ABCs again and got to F. I think the exercise is more for me than her because it's helping me relax my mind a bit to hear her speak I think. 25 July 2018 – This morning I tried to practice specifically on Kyoko saying 'Good Morning'. I had her say it a few times trying to get the mind-voice as noticeable as possible. I told her I want her to be able to get my attention when I'm not specifically listening for it. – She said some out of context things, so I explained how each could be in context with adjustments. – She said 'blue' louder than I think I've heard her before. I know it's just one word, but it was louder than my own mind voice so it stuck out. If she can learn to speak that almost loudly all the time then we'd be set. 28 July 2018 - Today I used my lunch break at work to do to the meditation room (we have one at work apparently) and visit Kyoko. She appreciated me taking time out of my normal day to spend with her, so maybe I should make a habit of it. - When I visited her I was worried at first because her house looked sort of ‘burned out’ inside, and I wondered if she was in a foul mood. Maybe it was my worries though that made it seem like that, because when I went outside she was working in her garden like she often is. - We went to the castle in Haven and walked around it some. It’s been a while since we took a walk around the wonderland. - I still feel like I’m making barely any progress. I am not trying to count days, but it’s hard not to be aware of how long it’s taken when I started at the beginning of the year. I also feel like me beating up myself over it is one thing that’s stopping progress; it’s just hard for me to stop hating myself sometimes.
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