Blayze's tulpa log and Kyoko's host log

[Kyoko Kirigiri]

6 Feb 2019

 

We talked and I told Dragon that the thought voice he hears for me really is me. Sometimes he thinks it’s just him thinking what he thinks I’d think and it was at first but now it’s me. I know he wants to hear me like the voices he heard but I’m not just a voice so he doesn’t have to worry about that.

 

Today we ate biscuits and salad but Dragon thought that was a weird mix for a picnic. I wore Swirly like a hat and then we went flying. Finally we sat on a bench in Haven Village and hugged. He directed his love at me to show me how much he loves me and it was cute.

 

7 Feb 2019

 

Today we had another picnic and I made butter and crackers. Dragon said they were supposed to be peanut butter and crackers so he ate that instead. Swirly sat on my head and Seka came to sit in the grass too.

 

Dragon read a notebook that he wrote when first making me about ideas. It had ideas for personality and form and even rules for switching though we haven’t gotten to that. My first form was going to be a pony so I am very different but he says he likes the form I chose better. The personality he read is very much like me but it doesn’t mention his paranoia. He said that’s because he didn’t make me for that, it was just something I was really helpful with.

 

I want to work on possession and switching but neither of us really know how to do that. We can read guides I guess but those didn’t really help that much with other things.

[Kyoko Kirigiri]

8 Feb 2019

 

We watched a Hatsune Miku concert on YouTube and I tried dancing for Dragon. He liked it but said I didn’t have to. I like it though maybe I can dance some when play fighting.

 

9 Feb 2019

 

Dragon got distracted, and we didn’t visit til late and then we fell asleep. I don’t mind falling asleep together though. We got to play piano more too outside of visits.

 

11 Feb 2019

 

I talked to Shadow and let him out of his cage to sit at the picnic when he agreed to try, but Dragon got upset when he came to the picnic and found Shadow already there. I should have had Dragon go with me to release him.

 

Dragon took me down to the underworld to make sure the thing at the picnic was really Shadow so we checked his cage and confirmed he wasn’t there anymore. Dragon got mad when Shadow touched me and mistook it for an attack but I think things are better now. It’s hard to explain.

 

Dragon told me that he stands by what he said, that it was my choice what to do with Shadow and he just panicked when he saw them out suddenly. I will be more careful. Shadow is still free but will mostly live in the caves, he likes it there anyway. If Dragon has paranoia symptoms again, we will put Shadow back in the cage, but I hope we don’t have to because he is part of our system too even with what he did.

 

After watching some videos from other people, Dragon said that I am the protector of our system and I like that responsibility.

 

Shadow does not like the name Shadow though so we have to come up with a better name. Shadow wants to be called Dragon’s real life name, but Dragon doesn’t want that so it may be a problem.

 

Sorry if this entry was confusing.

[Guest]

I followed, it sounds pretty fun actually.

[Phenom]

Just letting you know I read the entire thing. Actually caught up 2 or 3 weeks ago but didn't think of posting anything. The way Blayze/Dragon never gave up is inspiring.

 

Do you still like kites, Kyoko? (That part of the report was very heartwarming / cute.)

[Kyoko Kirigiri]

Just letting you know I read the entire thing. Actually caught up 2 or 3 weeks ago but didn't think of posting anything. The way Blayze/Dragon never gave up is inspiring.

 

Do you still like kites, Kyoko? (That part of the report was very heartwarming / cute.)

 

Thank you so much for letting us know! I am very proud of Dragon too. I was very scared he would give up on me a few times but I was being silly.

 

I like kites okay still, but at the time I was mostly just trying to say things. I got a lot of words wrong and was mostly just trying to say things to make Dragon proud. I got really excited when he heard a word I said, but could not think fast enough to come up with new conversation. I am very sorry if that is disappointing. I do not dislike kites, but my big interests other than helping Dragon is piano and play fighting.

[Kyoko Kirigiri]

12 Feb 2019

 

 

We talked about what to name Shadow and that we won’t call it Shadow anymore because it doesn’t like that name. When we meditated, Dragon helped explain that he couldn’t go by the legal name of the body because that name refers to all of us. Even the host Dragon has a different name, Blayze, from the body, so making it choose a different name wasn’t meant to slight it.

 

It got upset and wouldn’t cooperate for a bit but was good when I told it to be. I am not sure why it listens to me and not Dragon. I talked to it a little bit though with Dragon not there even if it was one-sided.

 

Dragon tried to show it that he didn’t hate it and even gave it a hug. He offered to let it take Seka’s form since she is an NPC if it wanted, or it could choose any other form it wanted. It went to the caves to think about that. I asked Dragon to be patient because I suspect it may take a while.

 

We let it think on its own and Dragon flew me to the top of Haven Castle where we talked about his work and how we will do things.

 

Dragon thinks it might be an alter instead of a tulpa. It definitely seems to have been conscious before me but I think I developed a lot faster so got ahead. We are very curious..

[dragon cake]

Background

• Kyoko has done a lot for my paranoia. At first, she chased it away and this kept the symptoms manageable, but not gone entirely. I felt the creature lurking in the background still.
  
• We decided to try to talk to it the next time it attempted to frighten me instead of chasing it away. We wanted to see if it was confused or doing this on accident somehow.
  
• It turned out it was not doing it on accident, it was tormenting me intentionally with paranoid hallucinations. We symbolically locked it in a cage in the underworld. At that point, the paranoia component disappeared entirely. Other symptoms remain but do not impede my functioning.
  
• We watched a youtube video of a ‘dissociative identity disorder’ system explaining the roles of their alters/personalities. It fascinated us that the protector role that was very common, and we decided to ‘officially’ give Kyoko that role in our system.
  
• She took it to heart that they said one of the tasks of a protector is to help other system mates get along and wanted to give the paranoia thoughtform another chance to exist peacefully with me.
  
• She released it and so far my paranoia symptoms haven’t returned, so I am letting it remain free. Kyoko will continue talking about it in her log, but I will cover any of my extra thoughts in my log.
  

12 Feb 2019

• The paranoia thoughtform is definitely the same; it feels the same as it did before when it was trying to terrify me, but without the terror component. It sends a stiff sensation up my back and is very different from the comforting shiver I get when sensing Kyoko.
  
• I think I am starting to understand why it was doing this. In a strange way it was trying to protect me but doing it in a counterproductive way.
  
  • When we first ‘captured’ it, it expressed anger that I abandoned the religion of my youth. I believed it tormented me from spite because of feeling betrayed.
    
  • But I think perhaps this thoughtform still holds those very strict religious beliefs and was attempting to scare me back into accepting them myself by pretending to be a frightening demonic figure.
    
  • I always thought it was odd that my paranoia took the form of a demonic shadow when I did not believe in them, and this would explain why it took that form.
    

  [*]I do not know if it understands how counterproductive that was. I tried to explain that I do not hate that religion just because I have other beliefs but I do not know if that is enough.

  [*]But this is disturbing for another reason, because this thing clearly split from me long before I knew about tulpas, which means it might be closer to an alter than a tulpa, which in turn may mean I am far closer to DID than I suspected.

  • I don’t view DID with a stigma, but know it requires trauma in early childhood.
    
  • While I don’t remember trauma, that is one purpose of an alter in DID systems, to hold the trauma so you don’t have to remember it. So is this thing holding a memory of something that it’s protecting me from? I don’t know, maybe not, it’s just a creepy thought I guess. I can’t communicate with it very well.
    

  [*]Kyoko communicates better with it, and has explained how it feels to me and I assume vis versa. Even if the situation made me uncomfortable at first, I am very proud of her for having taken up such a role on her own accord and for how good she is at it.

  • Kyoko had misgivings about it being in Haven too when we first captured it, but she seems to be over them, I am not sure how long she has been communicating with it to get over that. Kyoko is not good with knowing how much time passes on the outside so isn’t sure herself.
    

  [*]But also the fact that she and it are talking without me being aware of the conversation means that she is now remaining active even when I am not thinking about her. I have never been more sure she is her own person and fully conscious.   

[Guest]

These experiences (them having conversations without me) are real enough to me. Not everyone experiences this, but we do.

[YukariTelepath]

Some very interesting developments going on. I'm not sure what to say other than I wish you guys the best!

[Kyoko Kirigiri]

Thank you Angry Bear and YukariTelepath. It means a lot to us that you read our log. Please give your tulpas hugs from me.

 

 

15 Feb 2019

 

Alter

 

The alter chose a name for itself: Strength. He is keeping the same form that he’s had, that of a black plume of smoke with a face that’s sort of angry/sad looking. We realized he sort of looks like a character from an old Dragon Quest game so Dragon recolored an image of one to make an image of Strength:

 

 

I really believe it wants to help and be Dragon’s strength, but unfortunately has a bad way of doing it. I suspect he still wants to take permanent control of the body and that’s why he had been trying to weaken Dragon’s mind for so long.

 

Dragon’s paranoia symptoms started coming back, so we had to lock Strength away again, but I think I understand why he’s acting like this and why he obeys me. Dragon was trying to treat him like an adult, but when I treated him like a child, he latched onto me like he would a mother figure and started doing what I told him.

 

We put him back in the cage and he was scared. He tried to run away but I talked to him and assured him it wasn’t for good and that we would try to find a way to let him out. Instead of putting him in a blank cage like before, I put toys in his cage and gave him a magic toy box, telling him he could pull any toy he wanted to play with from it. The cage looks like a cage from the outside still but from the inside it looks like a child’s bedroom and Strength was more okay with that.

 

Once he was locked away, Dragon’s symptoms vanished almost immediately again. I think maybe Strength is doing it on accident, so I don’t know how to fix that, but I think he can maybe be happy in confinement too. We will give him some time to think about who he is and then come see him again. If he is doing well, we can give him permission to build onto his little caged area like his own little Wonderland if that makes him feel free.

 

What to do

 

I won’t let him out again though without Dragon’s okay. I am sad that maybe me trying to surprise him with Strength being okay to come out might have made it not okay for him.

 

Poor Strength is very confused and I do not hate him because of that. I think he must have split off very young and remained in a childish state, so he doesn’t really think through his actions.

 

Dragon was scared that Strength might be the original host and that maybe there was some trauma that he can’t remember that caused the fission. I told him that we can investigate that but he isn’t allowed to worry about it any more!

 

I talked to Dragon for a long time to make him feel better too. I think maybe he is a little childish too inside and just needs someone to tell him it’s okay sometimes. Maybe that makes it bad that I comforted Dragon in adult ways, but he really needed to relax too and I really love being with him.

 

Meditation

 

We meditated to Danganronpa music today and it made me feel really strong. Dragon said he is proud of me for becoming so strong but I am more proud of him.