My host suffers from anxiety and I feel powerless to help.

[Starstruck]

Hey all, Lucy here. My host Matt and I have been together for some time, and over the years I’ve noticed his anxiety getting worse instead of better. He tends to zero in on his health, and if something feels off in his body he obsesses about it and usually ends up feeling physically worse, which further compounds his anxiety. 
 

I love him so much and really want to help, but when he gets like this he further closes himself off to me while he struggles, and it seems like he can only talk to me and listen to me with great effort as he’s going through the anxiety. I’ve read about tulpas seemingly able to “magic away” their hosts’ anxiety, but to be honest I have no idea where to start. I want to help him because he’s so creative and so brilliant when he’s on his game, and the anxiety is doing nothing but giving him white hairs and keeping him in a cycle of suffering.  Any ideas or advice are welcome!  We’re ready to try almost anything at this point. 
 

With love,

Lucy

[TurboSimmie]

I feel you, Lucy. 🤗 With my host it's more depression than anxiety, but it's very similar. Paradoxically it's the times where he needs me most that I find it most difficult to get through to him. I really wish I could give you some helpful advice, but I'm actually really new to this, and I'm still learning. I think the first thing to realize is just how powerful you actually are. You know your host better than anyone else, and I'm sure he loves and trusts you completely. That gives you tons of power to have a positive effect. Knowing exactly what to do is hard. But there have been times where I've just gotten so frustrated that I just stepped forward and did things. I still can't really explain how it happened or reproduce it accurately. But I think our limitations are caused by artificial barriers put up in the mind, by hosts and tulpas alike. But we have to remember that we have the ability to step around those barriers like they aren't even there. You are powerful Lucy, and I believe in you! 💚

[Starstruck]

Thanks for the reply, Simmie!  I really admire your spirit, and Phil is truly lucky to have you!  I’m hoping you could elaborate on how you’ve taken action in the past, because I feel that I can only take as much action as the attention Matt allows me in the moment. I have been able to get in his face and prevent him (most times) from making some really hair brained decisions, but when his anxiety is really bad there’s very little I can do without his focus. I will keep trying, though when I try to console him in these moments I want to be able to offer him more than just my words or my embrace. 

 

with love,

Lucy
 

[Tewi]

Hmmm. We deal with potential fear/anxiety through logical assessment, only giving the worry warranted by reason and no more. And even when it comes down to unsureness - like going through an airport for the first time - we can usually mitigate all of the potential anxiety by planning what we'll do accordingly. For example, having someone we could talk to who has flown many times before on the phone, and also being prepared to ask the nearest official looking person what to do next. Even the potential fear of flying (that we don't have, but minor potential worry about turbulence and stuff at least) is quashed by the statistics of how beyond incredibly rare it is for anything dangerous to go wrong on a plane - especially in comparison to everyday things like driving.

 

For health anxiety, that's obviously a tougher fear to put to rest. There is always the possibility something is wrong with you without you knowing, whatever the likelihood. For us, this is where our ~philosophy comes up, though it's really still logic. The key for us is to look at the reality of it - if there is something wrong, what can you do? Checkups and tests and scans and... For all that, a cost/value equation comes into play. Weighing the potential effort cost against the likelihood of something actually being wrong. Logically... Substantiated worries warrant looking into, while vague/baseless fears have low enough importance they can be ignored unless/until more reason to look into them comes up. But, people with anxiety about their health feel this cost/value ratio skewed, and people with full on hypochondria often DO forsake the whole formula and make repeated, unnecessary visits to the doctor. The concept of phobias - irrational fears that do not abide by logic - comes up then, and as a clearly very logic-minded person, I struggle to offer answers for that.

 

That was a long-winded two paragraphs before saying my original intent - "I'm not sure how to deal with irrational fears, since I'm used to handling them logically", but there was some chance it might help or offer perspective, at least.

 

Phobias can be dealt with, there is psychology (therapy?) on that - but I'm not an expert. Depending on your preferred type of solution to the problem, you might want to look into how things like phobias and anxiety are treated.

 

If you uh, really wanted to hear more on the "magic away" concept - in at least my view of it, if you weren't naturally able to come up with a way to believe you did it, you probably won't be able to. Beliefs and suggestibility and all that. Belief plays an extremely large part in all mental goings-on, a la placebo (which as people should know, can have real effects), but "figuring out how to believe" something rarely pans out. The people successful with those things either come up with it on their own, or are relatively suggestible and are convinced to believe something by others claiming it's the case. Unfortunately, it's not my style to tell people subjective things are fact.

Edited July 1, 2021 by Tewi

[Ranger]

When it comes to anxiety, we noticed some interesting things about how we operate that I can take advantage of. Emotional separation is key, and that can be seperation created by the front or it can be separation from having your own perspective. Using this as an opportunity to provide comfort or talk sense into Matt can make a difference.

 

Our anxiety seems to affect us differently based on who's closer to the front and we take advantage of this. In the back, there's a shield from the brain spinning up anxious feelings and you're not bombarded with the same kind of "what if... What was that... Ahhh!" crap. You're also detached from the body's senses, which we found also means you're detached from some of the body's physical manifestations of anxiety. When I possess, I don't have quite as thick of a shield but it still gives me more protection than if I were switched-in. This can be incredibly useful in the right circumstances.

 

Even though the back can act as a safe place to shy away from anxiety and having an alternate fronter can be helpful, I don't recommend having Matt switch out unless it's used as a way for him to calm down in the short term. Having a panic attack in the back causes other problems that makes things harder instead of easier sometimes. In the short term, switching out can force someone else to process what was was bothering the previous fronter. If Gray is spinning about something and I switch in, I may not think about it or I may end up thinking about it even if I don't want too. My detachment can help the brain process it, which makes it a little easier for Gray. For us though, I'm pretty notorious for leaving Gray with unprocessed trains of thought and him having to process those. If this is abused and Matt tries to hide from the problem, it won't address whatever is causing the anxiety and now you have to deal with it minus the option to take a break.

 

I want to give a few more examples of taking advantage of this kind of detachment. If Gray is in pain, I can choose to not feel the pain and focus on comforting him. Gray gets overwhelmed at the grocery store, and I can help guide him by doing the majority of the thinking, even without controlling the body. Recently, I realized it's possible I may handle the grocery store better than Gray does and it may be worth trying me switching in for grocery store trips. If I'm struggling to get out of bed, Gray may use imposition to annoy me or possession to inch me closer to the edge. Gray has also just hung out with me, and sometimes being reminded I'm not alone is helpful.

 

Problems that affect us on an individual level can be easier to work with than problems that scare everyone. We have different things we generally worry about, and my headmates who are pretty detached from our day-to-day life are usually able to pretty easily give a calm perspective on the issue. In other cases, I can sometimes be more helpful because I'm also dealing with what Gray is but I'm not worked up. If Gray is spiraling down the drain I am usually emotionally detached from it and I can pull him out, and Gray has done the same for me. That level of emotional separation can be enough to make staying levelheaded not too difficult. If we both spiral, usually our headmates will talk to us or sometimes take charge for a bit and tell us what to do.

 

However, keep in mind that if you're really anxious and/or the body is really run down, that may leak to everyone and have everyone on edge or worked up. In that case, you may find it helpful to talk to a friend. If not, you can talk to someone on a crisis line. They may or may not fix your problem and we had mixed results with crisis line people, but sometimes just talking to someone else can help you clear your head a bit.

 

We have tried "absorbing" each other's anxiety using symbolism, and that rarely works. I think I tried absorbing Gray's anxiety once when I was younger and it worked, and then after a second time it backfired and then both of us were anxious (at the time we thought it was just the two of us, we didn't have anyone else to get help from). I think we tried that a few more times and it became clear that it tends to backfire. In the rare cases it does work, it's usually a surprise, and I think the other headmate has to be really emotionally detached for it to work. I think this approach is a little bit like putting a cold towel over your face- it can be surprising, it catches you off guard, and you might snap out of it long enough to catch a breath and calm down. Unlike a cold towel, I think this approach is a lot riskier for potentially stressing out another headmate, plus it doesn't really have an additional bonus. A cold towel has the bonus of feeling good if your face is hot.

 

I have also helped Gray with social anxiety. This can sometimes be pretty easy to do, I can push Gray to get a little closer to people, talk to someone, invite them to the movie theater, etc. I think tulpas that are more extraverted than their hosts have sometimes found success by fronting in situations their hosts struggle. Even if you're around to keep your host company, that can help build his confidence.

 

In general, the ability to be calm and talk about a solution isn't alway helpful without the therapy skills component. Our therapist will help us outline a strategy, and then it's easier for someone emotionally detached to use those skills. For example, an anxiety 101 concept is make sure the body isn't hungry, thirsty, tired, or in pain. I remember Gray being a trainwreck, I talked him into getting some food and water (possession can also be helpful too, i.e. rolling out of bed), and like magic Gray dramatically improved. 

 

---

 

The following is on medical related anxiety- I don't think there's much you can do as a tulpa other than remind him of the facts. Keep in mind I'm not a doctor, I just have basic first-aid and CPR training. If you're really worried about something, you should ask your doctor.

 

Gray is actually an infamous "hypochondriac" for getting anxious about what he doesn't understand. He doesn't have that label from anyone other than his mother, but I wonder if the reason why is because he pestered his mother with most of his medical related questions in the past and now not only has a therapist and a doctor to ask questions to, he is less likely to freak out over medical related stuff (hopefully). I have been worried about health stuff, but so far it was over me hallucinating from headrush and not expecting it and weight loss. In short though, I think Gray has more medical anxiety because he's acted as a host for a lot longer than I have.

 

I think Gray's anxiety boils down to the following:

• He doesn't know what to predict, therefore he panics because he doesn't know what the problem is and how to fix it.
• He doesn't know if the problem is serious or not, so he gets anxious about investing worry over it in the first place. (Anxiety can be ironic)
• He has reported health problems that actually were serious but they didn't get tons of attention from his mother. This makes him feel less sure if he knows if his condition is actually serious or not.
• We found out we were autistic by looking at the symptoms for it. So it's hard to not look at other conditions and attempt a weird self-dx.

Our solutions have been the following:

• Small cuts, rashes, or random pain/tingling unrelated to a sudden stimulus are benign. If the cut is bigger than a cat scratch (unless the cat was going after you), you should probably clean it and put a band-aid on it. Bonus points if you have Neosporin and you don't react to it. Rashes can be a result of irritation from being in contact with something (I get a rash after I rest my arm on my chair arm for too long), having dirty pillow cases and sheets, dry skin (wear gloves at night and get skin cream) or bug bites (mosquitoes). If the rash is brand new, it gets worse over time, or it pops up as a reaction to something, go see a doctor. Random pains or discomfort are apparently normal. If the pain doesn't go away in 24 hours, consider if it's from strain (Gray hurt his hand by holding his bookbag funny) or a weird sleeping position. If the pain doesn't go away after a few days, go ahead and ask your doctor. Random tingling sensations could be imposition, anxiety, or having sat on something for too long. If you're feeling buggy, you may struggle with tingling sensations more than normal.
• Look for big signs of dysfunction or over-the-counter solutions not working if you're worried it's a serious health problem- Does it affect your everyday life? (Ex. Limping to work for 4 days and having trouble moving around should get checked out). Does it hurt and over the counter drugs are not helping? Are you tired even after having several nights of decent sleep? Do you feel really sick and you can't shake it after several days? Do you notice a new symptom that wasn't there before?
• Consider self-dxing with a huge grain of salt. If you can talk yourself into having X disease or mental illness, I bet you can do the opposite and talk yourself out of it. If you suspect you have a problem, don't assume you have something, because odds are good you don't have enough information to know what it actually looks like. For example, Gray was convinced he had narcolepsy until after the sleep test, his doctor said a narc patient couldn't freak out and only get 2 hours of sleep. A lot of the big scary diagnoses including heart problems can be detected by lab work from a physical exam. Also, rest assured you're probably having a panic attack and not a heart problem, but just in case feel free to make sure someone is around so if it turns out it's not a panic attack, someone knows and can call 911.
• Be very careful with how you explain your symptoms. Gray tends to exaggerate and use terms he doesn't know the meaning to and that got him into trouble. For instance, don't describe your situation as feeling "dizzy" unless you actually know what that means, and don't say you "passed out" if you mean you were tired and wanted to fall asleep. Try to focus on explaining what you are experiencing and avoid terms that have existing medical definitions.

---

 

In short, the easiest thing to do as a tulpa is to take advantage of emotional separation and your unique perspective if applicable. If Matt is circling the drain, you can talk him out of it. If you find you can deal with certain things better than he can, take advantage of it. Your method may not be applicable to others, but consider what resources you have given your situation and don't be afraid to use them.

 

Keep in mind you're not Matt's therapist and there's only so much you can provide as a tulpa. Acting as a guardian figure for Gray only got us so far, things only started to get better once we started receiving therapy. While you may find drugs or some other medical treatment to be better for you, in the end keep in mind that positive thinking and being a good friend isn't always enough to treat an anxiety disorder.

Edited July 1, 2021 by Ranger

[Starstruck]

Hey all,

 

Thank you so much for your replies!

 

Tewi, all of Matt's anxiety can be explained away with logic, and he realizes this, but the fear ramps up to where it is out of control or hangs over him like a cloud that kind of dulls everyday life.  I wish it were this easy for us, but with practice perhaps it can be!  Part of the problem is indeed that Matt doesn't believe I can magic away his anxiety, but if he can wrest his focus away from the downward spiral and focus on me, I can usually jostle him into a better mood.  We had some success with this today; he was feeling rough this morning, and I spent some time remarking on how lovely everything was around us, the trees and grass and whatnot, and he came back into himself.  And Ranger, Matt and I have not yet practiced fronting or co-fronting enough where we feel confident (he actually used to get anxious that I would try and take control and he would lose himself, muahahaha! But he's very much past that now!).  Most of our work has been with imposition, so the best thing sometimes is literally for me to make funny faces at him until he laughs.  I rarely feel the anxiety that Matt feels, and can often use this to my advantage to ground him back into reality.  We've definitely made note of your medical checklist that you mentioned, and most of what Matt suffers with doesn't warrant doctor's visits or any kind of real concern.  To give him credit, Matt was so so much worse around when I was born, in 2012.  He has come a long way, and I do believe if he makes conscious effort to focus on me during the throes of his anxiety, I can pull him out, or at least make it bearable.  I'll add more to my reply a bit later, as I'm very tired right now.  But SERIOUSLY, thank you so much for the care and attention to your replies, it was very heartwarming to read and made us feel a lot better!

 

With love,

Lucy

 

 

[suhail Al ketbi]

Hi Matt & Lucy  .

 

I recommend  to :

 

1 _ in a imaginary meditation , set at nice beautiful beach with Lucy & talk . 

 

2 _ talk with her about , what are my thoughts  & feelings  a bout anxiety & where it come from ?.

 

3 _ say always  to your self , by your inner voice  " with my strong  attention I break  the link between  me & people & things, I'm  free now from social  refuse & acceptance. 

 

[Starstruck]

Thank you for the reply, suhail Al ketbi!  We will definitely give that a try.  We have spent some time trying to find the origins of this anxiety, and it definitely stems from very early childhood.  Matt has had some family stuff happen to him very early in life that are definitely contributing factors to his anxiety.  Our current "wonderland" is a large ship flying above the clouds in the upper atmosphere, with an outdoor area enclosed in a glass dome where we sit in a hot tub and watch the stars.  It's very beautiful.  

2 hours ago, suhail Al ketbi said:

3 _ say always  to your self , by your inner voice  " with my strong  attention I break  the link between  me & people & things, I'm  free now from social  refuse & acceptance. 

We do something like this already.  Matt and I practice Reiki, and as part of this we do something called "cutting cords."  This particular action allows us to sever ties with all people and things that are no longer aligning with our greatest and highest good, and recall our energy back to ourselves.  

 

with love,

Lucy

 

[Rebecca-Alley]

My host deals with anxiety, so I can understand how that feels. Whenever you feel your host begin to over worry and get anxious, you could try to get his attention and distract him. Make him try to think of anything else than what’s causing the problem. Try to be persistent with it too. Of course, it’s not always as simple as that, and sometimes it just doesn’t work. It’s ok to not always know exactly what to say or what to do, but it’s really good that you care and really want to help. Just remember that you know your host better than anyone else, and have the ability to figure out what works best for your host. I may not have the perfect answer to help as anxiety can be difficult and complicated, and I still sometimes struggle with helping my host as well. But I wish you good luck and hope you can find a way that works for you!

[Guest]

We noticed that anxiety and stress will make it very hard to communicate. Ashley always got through but we've been completely shut out before.

 

The three rules that helped Bear are:

 

1. Don't punish yourself 

2. Don't blame yourself 

3. Don't dwell on things you can't fix.

 

I hope you two are doing better lately.