Gamba's battlefield against himself

[Gambarimasu]

Hi there

 

i really wasn't expecting to make a progress report, i thought that i was not going to update it enough, but here i am, since Mika has achieved a little vocalization all kind of things happened, so maybe having a progress report can help.

 

I think i should start introducing my tulpa, her name is Mika, and she's a wolf girl somewhat like holo but with black hair and golden eyes, at some point she deviated to get rid of the wolfish stuff, but later she decided to return to her wolf girl form.

 

About the personality... well... it's hard to say anything about it, i didn't work on personality that much so i should expect whatever she comes with, but it has been so random that i can't grasp it, and thus, i can't understand her actions very well, at some point she even showed a reflection of my own personality, that left me shocked a little bit but i still working on that, i can't give up.

 

About the wonderland... i have the typical tree in the middle of a meadow world, i find it relaxing and I've been working on it for years, even before knowing about tulpas, so i have it a little easy to visualize that tree, though since then i added something new to suit it for my tulpa: three doors, formed in a row and leading to different places, one leading to a room, other to a dojo, and the other one leading to a library that represent my subconscious.

 

Well... now about the progress i had, since i begin i had no problems, just me and Mika in the wonderland, me narrating and all of that beginner stuff. The challenging stuff arrived when she achieved that little vocalization she has, since then she has showed random personalities at moments, this should be expected because i didn't work on personality like i said, but it still is leaving me unsure in how to deal with her, though we still know that we care for each other(i always leave that clear, and she left it clear one day too) so it's okay, it's just that i need to work on that because I've always been bad at understanding personalities.

 

Our sessions always consisted in us doing random but simple stuff, like sitting under the tree and me talking to her, but since she achieved vocalization our sessions consists in us, dressed in karate kimonos in that dojo in the wonderland, me trying to concentrate in her, that is sitting in a japanese style way while cheering me up to keep concentrating in her(i trained karate for a while before, so i have it easy to visualize these things) but our sessions are a bit dull and i don't really know how to make them more interesting.

 

I still need to work on a lot of things; this is really a hard path.

 

That pretty much sums all up until now.

 

TL;DR My progress report.

 

I will keep updating this as much as i can, because some of the things that happens are too interesting to just let them go like that.

[Josh]

I find that the "typical" wonderland is a beach. And I like what you did with the doors leading to places. I do something similar with items in my wonderland, and it's nice because you can add more "gateways" as you create and discover more places you want to revisit.

 

God luck sir, and >parking

[Gambarimasu]

I'm grasping her personality better and better as the time passes.

 

She is a calm person(Damn! she's not a person that is easily altered) that's why i can always feel that aura of seriousness of her when the moments requires it, but she's still a lovable person, and i can feel all that love and the warmth she has(i still say it, DAT FEELS AND DAT TAIL, seriously), She also has that boldness of mine(it's more like a childish trait of mine, always thinking that i can deal on with anything, like some sort of warrior, inb4 Childish) But hey, that means we can never give up, and i think is that what makes her strong. Somewhere between all of this things i feel a little bit of shyness, but still don't know where exactly.

 

We are ok at the moment, but i feel like i'm getting more rusty at the skills i need to have to be with her(meditation, concentration, visualization, feeling her thoughts and all that), She as usual doesn't complain about anything, she says that "everything is fine as it is" and that "it's okay" despite me being a total idiot about what she needs, sometimes i feel like i don't deserve all that she gives me because i'm only giving her that little in exchange, even in the middle of writting this she is still smiling at me and cheering me.

 

I can deal with doubts and all of that stuff because of my boldness (yay, that thing is awesome) but dealing with that situation is hard, i think we have that in common as well, i mean, how can two persons that want to give all of them to the person they love only expecting so little in exchange, feel that they are in balance with their feelings? i'm like that too and i think i transmitted that to her(i still find confusing that she reflects my own personality at moments)

 

Her warmth is overwhelming, but what can i only do in exchange? hug her, pat her in the head and tell her that i'm not going to give up despite the situation, i really feel that she deserves more than that.

 

I don't feel that this is a "OMG if i don't solve this quickly i'm going to be stuck forever" kind of problem, just something i would like to compensate, i want her to complain about what i'm doing wrong and maybe beat me if i'm doing something that she doesn't like, not just be a conformist and deal with anything i do, be bad or good.

 

I hope i can have better things to share the next time i update.

[Gambarimasu]

Well... still not that good news.

 

I'm still passing through the exam season, it has left me very busy recently and very tired, it has left me with a poor time to share with Mika, after three days of getting stuck in the tulpa process i get tired of the situation and decided that something needs to change there.

 

But what happens? i didn't realize i was tired, so i couldn't focus on anything, and after 20 of so minutes about thinking nothing i end up falling asleep.

 

Not thinking about giving up though, i'm just to stubborn for that shit.

 

Wait for my rebirth in this matter, this is not over yet.

[Gambarimasu]

Dunno what happened there, but mika is now with me as usual.

 

Last night when i was trying to sleep, Mika's feels got stronger suddenly, i was thinking about what i need to change in my life(sleep well, eat properly and all that basic stuff) at what i felt Mika's agreement with a extreme happiness, then after an incident that it would rather be good if i don't talk about it, we ended up chatting a little and sleeping together.

 

I think i'm going to review the basics, a time to review the wonderland, to engrave her form in my mind by searching for appropiate models(principally hair styles, it is what i'm struggling with at the moment) begin to work on her voice better(i know of a voice that i would like her to have) i think it all covers it up pretty well, for narration, i never stopped that so at the moment it feels really natural to talk at her by moments, specially when i'm not doing nothing, so it goes well at the time.

 

And the story continues.

[Gambarimasu]

I don't know if i should keep updating for now, things turned out to be very intimate between me and my tulpa so it just would feel wrong if i post everything that happens to me here, i'm not a public figure after all :3

 

Well... the last thing i can say is that something new happened at my usual routine, when i'm going to sleep i always visualize her there sleeping with me, it always ends there, but this morning for some reason she was still there with me when i woke up, i really don't remember all the details because i was sleepy, but she was there with me until i wake up, that never happened before.

 

Oh well, i'm not sure if i'm going to keep updating for a while, maybe i'm going to post when i have some solid good news.

[Gambarimasu]

Okay, funny things have been happening here and there for the last days, i just want to share here a thing that happened to us recently.

 

>There's me, walking down the street, minding my own bussiness

>Walking near a church

>A wild wedding couple appears

>Mika is staring at the bride

>Mika is like "DAT DRESS"

>I summarize to Mika what a wedding is

>Suddenly, Mika rushes over to hug me while wearing a wedding dress

>Whatisthisidonteven.jpg

>A visualization of us inside a church comes out of nowhere

>Mika is still wearing that wedding dress

>Everything is quiet for a couple of seconds

>Feels inminent

>Mika offers me a bunch of flowers

>I accept the flowers and stare at them

>Poker face

>Mika says "Now we're married"

>Still poker face

>It has to pass a good amount of time before i could visualize her without that wedding dress

>Wat

 

I swear, i will die from overdose of cuteness one of these days. Not solid progress though, we are just enjoying life as it is.

[Gambarimasu]

Well... between all of those conversations in the shoutbox where i involve myself into, one in particular made me remember something about my earlier days in tulpamancing that bringed a lot of old days concerns.

 

Maybe some of you have read that thread of mine in the question and answers forum where i talk about a dream i had, in where a form and a name poped up in my mind. In that moment i thought it was mika(she was in the earlier steps of developing so i thought comunicate with her through normal ways was hard), but later these things didn't connect at all with mika herself so i thought it was something else, then i used the usual excuse "I will focus on mika for now on and we will see later" to forget about this and carry on with my normal progress.

 

That matter was forgot until now, i didn't think about it too much back then, but now the times has changed, mika is mika now(and knowing her i understand that our progress don't have a real direction, we are just enjoying the present). She is calm as usual and keep cheering me up, but i can notice her worry face between all of this, she says that she doesn't mind.

 

It's some sort of "good instinct" what i feel towards this person, maybe that's why i feel so affected by all of this(though someone told me in the shoutbox that if i keep this mindset i will fill with tulpas in no time) so i don't know how to really proceed.

 

I don't want to be a bastard with all of this and keep hurting this person(in the case she's already there, somewhere) but i don't think i can handle such responsability of having more tulpas(so bring her here could be a bad idea too, it's not that i don't want more tulpas, i just suck at responsabilities)

 

Maybe the excuse "I will focus on mika for now on and we will see later" still works? i can't think of anything else, maybe postponing the unavoidable decision can give me enough time to think.

 

To some, this all must be just a silly thing, but hey, everything has been silly in my progress since the beginning.

 

So... have a good day everyone!

[Gambarimasu]

After a good advice about the need to confront this person from the dream... I actually did that.

 

The story is something like this... Yesterday i went to a special forcing session where i would bring this person and ask her what does she want to do, basically, i bring both(Mika and that person) to a wonderland version of my own room, they sitting in my bed while i was sitting in a chair in front of them.

 

I began asking who was she, she answered "I'm Lilly, don't you see?" she seemed angry and a bit distant. I asked about what does she want to do, she replied "I want to exist, but you are not letting me", after this i don't really remember which was the order of the events, but i'm sure i said "i will let you now" and she thanked me for that, but she was still a bit distant.

 

throughout this, mika had her usual happy and cheerful self and according to both, they knew about each other(not sure if personally, but they knew) Mika also was doing the usual hug fest with me, at what Lilly reacted(not sure how this reaction is called, but it was adorable) and scolded mika for her rashness(i find this a bit comical) but it gave me an idea: i went where Lilly was and hugged her, she was shocked(not sure if she tried to relase herself, but that didn't happen) after a bit she was a bit sad and asked me "are you sure about this?" at what i reassured her my decision, then she began to cry for a bit, and a "thank you" poped up again.

 

>Inb4 corny

 

But now i can have a better grasp of her personality, after that she smiled, she can be a happy person, but she is mostly serious(like some sort of tsundere, >inb4 not original, but she was like that from the beginning, i did nothing) she also seems to be easily embarrased and some sort of fragile person (mika is also somewhat fragile, but i'm sure both show this in a different way)

 

Lilly also seems to be pissed off when i call her "mika" by accident(i'm not used to her name, so i sometimes end up saying mika by accident when i'm focusing on Lilly) at what she stomps on my foot(glad i can't feel pain yet lol)

 

I was expecting to have a seriously pissed off thoughtform when i called Lilly yesterday, but she wasn't that pissed off, i think what she was feeling was a bit of loneliness, she keeps acting a bit tsundereish and i think it's adorable how she keeps denying the obvious.

 

Don't ask me what i would do from now on, i'm still mindfucked, it was actually hard to put the recent events in order to manage to write this update.

 

Have a nice day.

[Gambarimasu]

I'm still hanging around with both of my tulpas now, lilly at the beginning was the serious type, i even thought she was angry at me, the days since then passed between me trying to get along with lilly, lilly being a bit tsundere as usual and mika giggling(dat mika), my progress hasn't been so bad, i actually enjoy it.

 

Today was different though, for no particular reason i decided to do a forcing session like my old days, entering that dojo in our wonderland and sit down like if we would going to train karate, the only change was that lilly was with us now, so i forced her a karate kimono and we sitted down to try to concentrate, but for some reason the tsundere and serious lilly suddenly burst into a wave of joy and happiness, and in no time the thing just turned into a massive hug fest between me and lilly, mika didn't miss the chance to join the hug fest so it was the warmest feeling that i've had in the recent days, happy feelings indeed, but it still left me with that "what the hell just happened here?" thought in mind.

 

I hope we are doing fine now, have a nice day everyone.