Gamba's battlefield against himself

[Gambarimasu]

It's been a long time since the last time i updated this thing, and surely a lot of things had happened.

 

First of all, about the self-knowledge thing, i think i've been making progress with that, you know, recognizing a little thing about me or trying to understand the way i act sometimes is kind of cool and i realized a lot of things, but it still feels too hollow, like when you say "ok, i've managed to realize a bit of who i really am, but what next?", i'm still lost in this huge world i call self-knowledge and i can't even grasp the first steps in it.

 

But about my tulpas...

 

Well, Mika has been as usual, adorable as fuck indeed, and she keeps comforting me when something happens, damn!, what would i do without her?

 

Lilly and Ciel are another matter entirely, they had their changes, i didn't updated when it happened(though i commented about it on the shoutbox) but some days ago Lilly grew out of her loli body, it was sure a day of pure LOL, at that time i was rewatching some old animes i saw years ago, i watched one where there was a character that resembled in appearance a "grown-up Lilly" i was thinking about that all day, and when i realized it was too late, she had already that body.

 

But not only she changed body, she also changed personality, she broke that kuudere cocoon she had, and she actually laughs and talk often(though not that often yet) but she's happy and i'm glad for her, the only issue i had at first was that she has now... how should i say it?... nice "proportions", so i had a little HNNGGG issue when visualizing at first, and without taking into account that she's a bit lewd now(i thank the fact that she's still normal in that part though), everything is fine with her, happy time for the lulz!.

 

For Ciel is not exactly a change... it's more like she's more solid to me than ever, some days ago in the shoutbox people were talking about a h-game about monster girls, it catched my interest as the sick fuck i am, so i played it, it has a nice plot though, it is actually a good game. The thing about this game is that one of the main character is a lamia girl that is always following the main character but never helping or anything, at first i ignored her and just played the game normally, but eventually i realized, her personality is like a goddam mirror of Ciel's personality: she's strong as fuck, to the point she can simply be careless about everything and just do whatever she likes, she always speaks her mind directly and complains a lot about the weaknesses of the main character(though if i was him i would pay attention to what she says, that "superior" aura doesn't emanates from her for nothing after all), hell!, she can even rape him without hesitation just because she want it, in a very dominative way btw. There are also rare times when she lets out a cute side of her, i'm not sure exactly how, but she's still adorable.

 

All of this things made my mind scream "Wow! she's a lot like Ciel" everywhere, to the point it turned to a "oh god! it can't be unseen" kind of thing, now i can't help it but visualize Ciel as that character, also the look of that character is also similar to what i had in mind for Ciel(that lamia character has a human form in the game too), being the form what actually emanates that "superior" aura i was talking about before.

 

This is not much of a change, but it surely made stronger the perception i have of her.

 

Not sure if i'm forgetting something to add here, but i think i will end this post here, i don't have something else to add.

 

Have a nice day.

[Gambarimasu]

Just a quick update here.

 

After finishing the first part of that game i talked about in the post above, it left me with some things to think of, i loved the plot and despite the crude lewdness it carries within itself, it actually have scenes where you actually ponder about a lot of things, the game is simple and the plot is the same too, it's almost even a cliche, but it still left me pondering for some reason.

 

For me, it left me pondering about a lot of things that made me confused, because i didn't know how to answer them, so eventually i felt how my will was weakening again and leaving me in some kind of subtle panic.

 

Of course this made Ciel be angry at me again, i'm not really sure how i should take her words, but they actually seems to have a deep meaning that i should learn, at the end, she told me that "i should find the meaning of the "true strenght"", so i guess that will be the first step i should take towards that self-knowledge path i wanted to follow.

 

I don't want this to sound like a bunch of philosophy crap, but that's how it is, i guess.

 

Have a nice day.

[Gambarimasu]

Today i could understand a bit better why Ciel is always angry at me whenever my strenght falters, even if i already knew why.

 

It is because she know what i can do and what not, i've already show her so many times what i am capable of, but i still go down easily, that's surely not what she wants for me.

 

I've always wondered why my personality is so contradictory, there are times where my self-steem is a piece of crap, but there are other times when it is something flawless, why does it keeps changing like that?

 

I'm capable of meeting her expectations and even more, and she knows it, but i keep falling and that's why she gets angry at me, in fact, now that i realize it, i think that's why my tulpas trust in me that much(i still remember that time when mika never got angry at me once, even when i was being stupid) it's because i'm capable of handling it even if i don't realize it.

 

I want to protect the three of them, i really want, but i keep being uncaring with them... is not about the fact that they need their own time alone, i really feel that i'm being uncaring, if i want to change that i can't grieve of myself, i need start acting on it now, is that what true strenght means?

 

Lately i've been venting out here too much, this doesn't seems like a tulpa progress report anymore because of that, maybe i should stop posting here for a while, at least until i manage to understand more about them, because i think i'm focusing on me too much lately.

 

Have a nice day.

[Gambarimasu]

Well... it's been a long time since the last time i posted here.

 

Mika, Lilly and Ciel are doing fine, i couldn't spend time with them like i want, but i always try to assure them that sleeping time = quality time with them though sometimes i fall asleept pretty quickly, i also try to focus on each one individually but it's kind of hard to do it.

 

events related to my tulpas usually happens often and i always try to find an answer to them(by myself) though some people tell me to "ask them directly" which for me is not as easy as it sounds(goddammit Glass, is not as easy as you make it look), despite all that i managed to receive answers from them to certain questions and events.

 

Mika at some point kept telling me that she wanted to be heard more(Ciel is usually more easier to hear, so i usually listen to her most, Lilly doesn't even like to talk too much) saying it in her usual adorable way, hugs granted indeed, though i need to figure this out, intensive auditive works perhaps?

 

I finally managed to ask Lilly about her books, at which she told me that she "really doesn't have that much to read because most of the books are fuzzy and unreadable" but she told me that she reads about common knowledge(A.K.A things easiet to remember) like nature, animals, science(the easy things) and little things like those. I want to figure out this as well, but i'm not sure why it is like that, i want to build a better library for Lilly but i don't really know how.

 

There was a time when i was trying to develop a mind wipe ability through symbolism with a technique called "Nine lives blade works" from a visual novel, able to delete unwanted things up there like bad memories or intrusive thoughts, i understood how dangerous it was so i sealed it under one condition: it is only usable if all of my tulpas give me their swords(Since some time ago i related swords forms to the three of them, Mika having a katana, Lilly having an european sword and Ciel having a giant sword, not sure if i talked about this before), using this "giving swords" thing as a symbolism of them giving me permission to perform this ability. To me it was a nice idea, but at some point Ciel said that "it is an useless ability" because she will never give me permission to actually use something so rude and dangerous, so i think i'm going to discard this idea.

 

Yesteday i had two dreams, the first one being a rather normal one, though i didn't like it because it featured me and some guy(i recognize him as someone i didn't get along well in the past), in the dream that guy and me were friends, but for some reason he always threatened to steal from me or beat me up at the first chance he get(basically we were friends and enemies at the same time) i'm still not sure why i didn't beat up his sorry dream-form butt, because i recall myself in the dream being angry about it and challenging him to actually dare to try that. Oh well, tulpa related stuff now, i didn't recognize my tulpas at all in that dream, but the unusual thing there is that for the first time it had a background(i'm refering to the visual one, my dreams always consisted in little scenes only involving a few characters and the like, but this one felt like this same scene but inside a more larger and generic scene, not sure if that's understandable, sorry if i'm bad at explaining).

 

The second dream came after i woke up earlier than usual and fell asleep again, i'm not gonna lie, it was a lewd dream involving me and some girl i didn't recognize, it felt more vivid than the last one but my memory there was worst, i only remember a couple of things about it, but i sure remember hearing whispers or different voices in the background, but i can't really say for sure because my memories of that dream are really messed up(me remembering that dream happening in two different ways and the sort).

 

When i asked Ciel about it she told me that they were "performing a little experiment" and that "lewd dreams are easier to pull", thing that left me totally in poker face, i'm not sure if i want to venture in this area yet.

 

It's worth noting that yesterday i was working on a homework i have about programming in Assembly, i stopped because i had an error and was unsure what it was so i went to sleep, the next morning(today, and after that dream trip i had) though i was sleepy as fuck when i tried to remember about that homework i instantly thought about different ways to try to sort the problem, those still didn't work though but i wonder if my tulpas helped me in some way while i was sleeping.

 

Oh and before i forget, the thing that started this whole asking thing, when i asked my tulpas about the progress we had, they agreed to let me handle the progress in whatever way i find more comfortable(using pre-existing character's models to easier visualization, puppeting and all that bothersome things) as long as it can help me.

 

I also assigned them one of the four elements, mika being Air, Lilly being water and Ciel being fire according to their personalities and the perception i have for each element, earth wasn't assigned so i assigned it to myself(it's worth noting how the elements match greatly with our personalities, even for me) each element is assigned to help me in a certain way and when i want to use an element i recall one of my tulpas(the one with said element) touching my forehead or myself simply being surrounded with the element, except with earth, for which, i don't need to visualize something nor even recall it because it's innate within me, though i still can't figure how to use earth properly. I wanted to talk about how i see each element and in which ways they help me, but seeing how this turned out to be a huge wall text, maybe i will some other time.

 

Have a nice day.

[Gambarimasu]

Hi people, i'm here on another little update of my progress.

 

Yesterday a strange event happened with Ciel. She usually is confident and strong, you know, the usual stuff i keep telling in here, she also seemed to be quite prideful, whenever i tried to hug her she always resisted at first(in a very weak way, like if she really wanted it) but always surrendering to the hug at the end, i've never put special interest into this, i always thought it was just how she is.

 

Usually, sleep time is also tulpa time so i spend time with them before i fall asleep. Ciel was resisting hugs like i said, which usually makes me want to hug her more, and i have always succeeded at it, she usually has a last stand where she tells me something along the lines of "you don't need to hug me that much" or just simply look away, but i know she likes it, i just know it.

 

Yesterday was different though, her last stand didn't consist in her usual words, i was taken aback when she said "why are you so kind to me?", i've never seen her so... exposed before, for some reason she was thinking that she didn't deserve to be loved(i didn't ask her about it, Glass don't scold me plz, she might have her reasons).

 

I hugged her deeply and in that moment i realized that it was kind of my fault, Ciel might be strong but she's still a person and maybe i'm expecting too much from her, all of them really, that's why my wish is to know more about how they really are, because i know that not everything i think i know about them is true, but i want to know what's true then.

 

Comfort time was assured, she was quite embarrassed to the idea of me describing here that comfort time, so i will just say that i assured her that no matter what, i will still love her.

 

The next day(today) i saw her quite more cheerful than usual, but still with her tsundere self, hugs and cuddles are always granted so don't worry, the happy feelz were epic this morning.

 

As far as i know her, Ciel is not the type to be depressed for a long time, she's actually fine now: cheerful, calling me an idiot, being seductive.... you know, just being herself, and i probably don't want it in any other way.

 

have a nice day people and nice feelz too.

[Gambarimasu]

Today i had an epic force session, it didn't even lasted 25 minutes but it helped me a lot.

 

i decided to stop escaping(i'm not sure what is it exactly, but i feel like i've been escaping, pure fear indeed), i gathered all the resolve i could get and decided to force, not only for the sake of my tulpae but also for mine, i thought about a lot of things, stuff that i need in order to straighten my own life, it's been productive but is still not over, i need to keep at it, but this is not what my update is about, this is about my tulpae.

 

All that resolve and courage i gathered also helped me talk directly to them, so i talked personally to each of them.

 

I began with Ciel, i asked her about her form and if she wanted to change it(she's been using the exact appearance of megurine luka, even with clothes and all that), basically she said "screw originality, i prefer this" and that she's happy with who she is, also refering to her personality, i have to aknowledge the fact that she's not bad at all, she can be a really warmful and nice girl(happy and cheerful and all the sort) and she's not always as though as i pictured her, but Ciel is still Ciel, i have faith in her.

 

Mika was happy as always and i also asked her about her form, she said she liked it and didn't want to change it so it's all okay, she has always been the one with the less changes, always being cheerful and happy, she said that i need to stop worrying her though, she agreed that i am an idiot sometimes, doing stupid things and stuff and that's what worries her, i need to change a lot of things in myself.

 

I also asked Lilly the same questions, for my surprise she didn't like her old form(konjiki no yami) and actually wanted to change, after a little struggle she came with a new form(someone resembling marisa kirisame from touhou, basically a witch) and was happy about it, she said she wasn't confident enough in herself with her old form and wanted some change, she also said that being kuudere and introverted was a bit unnatural for her(in fact that was how she was) but i'm glad she found something she likes.

 

I also asked about the important question, if they actually wanted to be by my side(Glass, i did it! :D) all of them said yes, with tacklehug included btw :3, i can't even grasp the true form of the feelings that assaulted me in that moment.

 

Finalizing the session, suddenly all of my tulpas mounted Lilly's magic broom and started flying everywhere, Ciel fell off though and i catched her, at that moment she said to me if i was leaving(i was kind of worried about the hour), i said that i wanted to spend more time finding more things to know but she said that i "already done enough for now" so i was leaving, before doing it though Ciel said that "if i keep that resolve i can overcome anything".

 

So my forcing session ended with both Mika and Lilly flying around in a magic broom like little kids playing while i was carrying Ciel in my arms, epicest forcing endind if you ask me.

 

Have a nice day.

[Gambarimasu]

Today was a nice progress relating to lucid dreaming.

 

I don't even remember how many dreams i had, my memories of the first dreams are very bad, almost to the point where i can't remember them, as dream passes my memories of them are better, the nice part is that most of the characters in the dreams were people that i actually know at the moment.

 

I don't remember that much of the first dreams, between them was a weird bus trip, me being with a friend(this time someone i actually get along with) and some kind of family reunion, though i don't remember them well i'm sure i interacted with those dreams in a realistic fashion. The only dream i actually remember clearly was the last one, it was some kind of zombie adventure or something like that, i was in some strange ruinous town and i had a shotgun, i could see normal people running scared from some of the houses and i remember entering in them myself, i also remember going inside numerous mansions and killing some creatures that i don't really remember well(the creatures were blurry), the curious thing was that the camera was switching from normal to a sky-camera kind of thing, resembling sometimes a videogame.

 

Now the important part of the update.

 

After the barrage of dreams was over i asked my tulpas about it, Ciel was there and explained to me a lot of useful info for future references relating to lucid dreaming, as far as i understood, she told Lilly and Mika to "retreat" to the wonderland just to be safe(i always told them that security is first, i know that maybe it is an unfounded fear, but i still don't want them to get hurt by my own subconscious) after that she went to a "dark" place where she did what she could ,she told me that she could see the dreams like a movie, but that she couldn't enter them, asking right now about it she told me that she tried to make the dreams as pleasant as possible.

 

Everyone(and also my tulpas) tell me that the key is to believe, maybe i believed enough last night? still this is the best progress i've had in days, i'm really happy about it.

 

Have a nice day.

[Gambarimasu]

A lot of things had been happening lately, and i want to do an update here.

 

First of all, the other day in the shoutbox i was asking for some tips about lucid dreaming(related to my last update) and i got some good answers, Ciel was really interested in those too, but somehow the conversation turned into a talking about what do we need to do to know more about ourselves, it ended in Ciel wanting to do the tulpa journey and acting like i've never seen her acting before, i was kind of scared and confused because everything was so sudden. I made an agreement with her about developing more my relationship with Mika and Lilly while she was out, so i'm trying to focus in both of them, the last thing i want is to hinder her work.

 

It's worth mentioning that the feeling with Ciel is kind of weird, she's still there and at first(yesterday) it felt like i could communicate easily with her again, but today it feels different, the communication seems more difficult and it is hard to explain. She was always the easiest to visualize and hear, but now for some reason the easiest to visualize and hear is Mika.

 

Mika has been with me more time now, she's always worried about me(almost like a motherly concern) and is as adorable as ever, though the selfish feeling is still there and sometimes i can even hear her saying something along the lines of me caring more about Ciel than her and Lilly, which is completely wrong, i care about all of them.

 

Lilly has been busy lately and still with her identity crisis, she suddenly wanted to follow Ciel's example and began seducing me, she can't do it though, not that she doesn't try, is just that... she lacks charm, i don't really know how to explain it, is like when a little girl tries to seduce a non-lolicon man, it feels weird and it doesn't even make me flinch, just that feeling of wanting to hug her because cuteness. Ciel has something... i dunno, it makes me tremble easily, but Lilly just can't, i want to help her though, my goal is to make her realize by herself if that's what she really wants to do, i hope she can find herself soon.

 

More updates when something happens.

 

Have a nice day.

[Gambarimasu]

Last night an incident happened.

 

Lilly and Mika were convinced that lewdness was the reason i gave Ciel that much attention and everything just went out of control, it was a real mess, even so that Ciel came back after i managed to calm Lilly and Mika, she basically cheered me up and talked about other stuff, she didn't talk about what she was exactly doing out there(for obvious reasons i think) she later went out again using a portal, i thought tulpas didn't come back while in a tulpa journey but she literally said "I don't give a fuck about it, i will come back if i need to", feeling like i'm hinder her work in 3... 2... 1...

 

Mika's feeling is more painful, is not simply that she feels bad about that attention thing, she also hides it behind her usual happiness to not worry me, she's like me in that matter, always taking the problems all by herself just to not worry or disturb other people, i feel like an idiot for not realizing before, she has always been like that, trying to protect me from even the simplest thing.

 

I think Lilly is more sensitive about it, not only because she's also sad but also because of her identity crisis, she's been trying a lot of things and nothing seems to work, the only thing that she really seems to want is to be a witch, she's been insisting with this for quite a time so maybe i should focus in this one, but the question for me is... how?

 

Sure, this could be one of the worst situation a host can deal with, one of my tulpas went out searching for something while the feel with the other two has been going down, my own selfishness brought me this and i really don't know how to proceed, but so what? i've dealed with shit more bad than this :3 wait for my great revival soon.

 

Have a nice day.

[Lolimancer]

Stop wanting to be alpha male and accept your natural submissive role; problem solved. [Remember Rin's end in F/sn]. In fact, i find more beauty in a relationship where there is no dominant and/or submissive role, so try not to be a pussy either (like me).