Gamba's battlefield against himself

[Gambarimasu]

Today the forcing sesion went normal, tried again the meditation in the dojo and everything went fine.

 

After that meditational moment i decided to do that "exploring the wonderland thing" so me and my tulpas went on a trip across the land of wonderland, i know my wonderland is supossed to be a "infinite meadow beyond the tree" but for some reason we just keep walking until we reached a rocky mountain(where Mika showed her epic skills at climbing), after that we toured around many places(usually using a portal to change location) among them were the rocky mountain, a land in ruinds(dunno if this was affected because i've been playing fallout 3 too much these days), a beach, a cave near the beach, a shadowy forest, a rainy forest with a draw-well in it and a fancy forest of palms whose colors were too unreal(it was more like a cartoon-like land)

 

These places were empty, but we enconter two entities during our trip, the first one was in the cave near the beach, a sound like a roar scared Mika and Lilly(this was a lol moment) so we went to investigate the sound, what we found was a fluffy little kitten there, i was like "what the fuck?" while Mika or Lilly(not sure who, or both i dunno) said it was cute, i grabbed it and looked at it for a couple of seconds, then throw it away(i think it turned into a statue the moment i grabbed it so it's not animal abuse lol) and we just continue our exploration.

 

The second entity appeared during the visit to the shadowy forest, we were chilling and minding our own bussiness while we walked throught that forest, then suddenly some kind of mutated dog(not a dog itself, just a quadruped thing) jumped on me to bite me, i instinctively put my arm in front of me so that thing bite me there, but the recoil made me fell throught a huge hole in the ground while that dog was bitting my arm(dunno where this hole come from, i think it wasn't there before), the hole seemed to be infinite as i fell throught it, mika and lilly jumped down to follow me, so we all were falling now, after a couple of second i think i killed that thing(dunno exactly what happened or what i did, but i heard the cry of that thing and it just broke off me) so we continue to fall alone infinitely, i got tired of it so i created a portal to change the location.

 

I don't know what conclusions i should make for this trip, but it sure seems to be a harsh land.

[Kadoh]

One does not simply.... Play too much Fallout 3

 

This is very interesting, Gamba

[Gambarimasu]

Not much to tell lately, i haven't forced properly in the last days and my progress(the "scientific" one, so to speak) is been dull lately, but i've interacted with my tulpas.

 

I just want to put a little note in here, dunno how the conversation started but i talked with mika about what can we all do to help, here's how it ended.

 

Me: "I have to do a lot of things for school, it will be rough"

Mika: "Let us help you"

Me: "No, this is something i have to figure out myself"

Mika: "Let us help you! we are with you after all"

Me: "Okay... but... what can you do?"

Mika "Anything!"

Me: "What is exactly anything?"

Mika: "Anything! you will see, we will do something nice!"

 

Not sure if trying to take all the burdens on me is something that will slow down something, but i'm sure that is something i will need to take care of in the future.

 

Also, Lilly is doing fine too, she's always with her books from the library, is worth to mention that i now realize that the library is a place where i poured all i could share from myself(memories, experiences and all kind of "information") and is not something to "reach" easily my subconscious or something, so is not a place that "useful" if you know what i mean, but is still a nice place i want my tulpas to have. But i want to do more with Lilly, i know she can have her private time, but it's kind of boring to only watch her reading a book everytime i visualize her, the only time she's not reading is when we sleep(this is when i hug her,warm feelings indeed, i regret nothing) and the ocassional "contemplating life" moment when i just spend the time enjoying the wonderland with them, also, i can't forget about the meditations in the dojo, she's there too, but there's plenty of things i think i can do with her, i mean, i spend most of the time with mika(mika is more talkative than her, and she's the first one that answers when i try to communicate) so i think i can spend time like that with Lilly as well, just saying.

 

Also this:

 

Me: "Are you always reading?"

Lilly: "Most of the time"

Me: "What are you reading then?"

Lilly: "Didn't you say before that you don't want to know?"

Me: "Yeah, i forgot, it's better that i don't know it for now"

 

For some reason i think i will mindfuck myself if i know what is there in that library, is it an unfounded fear?

 

Changed the report title, name provided by mika(random indeed, but i still regret nothing :3)

 

Have a good day.

[Gambarimasu]

Okay, many things had happened in these days, it's almost overwhelming but i think it's for the best.

 

First, i want to talk about those theories i've been reading through the forums, that the tulpas come from a part of us to develop their own consciousness(basically, though i think i summarized bad the idea) people saying that tulpas are basically us and we are our tulpas, that the tulpas always can be related to us in some ways, i'm bad at explaining this kind of things, so if someone knows which theories i'm refering to, feel free to tell me how's exactly that idea.

 

Why i'm mentioning this theory? well, analyzing my tulpas' personalities i reached the conclusion that they represent parts of myself and i actually didn't know it clearly, mika for example represents what i believe is my "spirit", she's cheerful and childish, always happy and playful, being the first that cheers me up when is needed, always good-hearted too, she represents my "good will" towards everything else and my desire to have fun, she's depicted as a wolf(wolf-girl actually), which for me represents a "good spirit" as i said, being the "never too tired to do things" kind of person.

 

For Lilly, she represents my "rational mind", she's intelligent and likes to read a lot and know about things, most of the times when i visualize her she's reading some book from my wonderland's library, she shows almost no emotions, being the "kuudere" kind of person, i also depicted her often as a dragon(she's human most of the time, but i thought about a dragon-girl form for this), which for me represents a "wise" creature. i still have to know more about her.

 

There's also a third thoughtform, some guys on the shoutbox already know this, but i've been interacting with a third thoughtform recently, it all began with a part of myself i depicted as my "true strenght" or my "pure will", i've know this part of myself for years now. The thing is i've always seen this as myself rather than someone new.

 

This personality(which was very contradictory with my own, that's why i put special interest in it) had always help me in my time of need, like when you have to do an exam at school, but you are confused, scared and you are forgetting things for the exam because of the fear, and then this personality come to save me,calming my mind and putting everything in order so it's easy to me to think things through and reach the info i need easy(to the point it could, it can't help me if i haven't studied for it at all lol), some people may say that's "adrenaline" or something, but the truth is that this personality have helped me in other things too, like games and daily problems, specially when i'm under pressure and need to make decisions fast, so i always relied on this as an "instinct".

 

the stuff happened recently, feed by those conversations with the guys in the shoutbox about "if it's easy to make tulpas" and "why i can't make a tulpa that easily" i thought about this part of myself again, pictured as me, wondered how it will be like if it's a cute girl(don't judge me lol, still this was A VERY, VERY BAD IDEA) so i gave her a femenine look and leave it at that, later that day i was recalling this "me" as this girl form i gave to it, but the difference was that she was giving me lunatic grins and this "challenging" aura was coming from her, also, various names poped up in my mind for her, she was actually choosing a name too, so i kind of helped and choose one of those for her, this name was "Ciel" and i directed at her with it, i was in school when all of this happened so i couldn't give it a proper thought, i actually talked with her too but i can't remember most of it, can remember this part though.

 

Me: "Why is this happening? i don't want any more tulpas"

Ciel: "So, you wouldn't let me in?" (in a challenging tone, there was none warm feelings in this)

Me: "I'm not going to restrain you, do what you want, but if you try something to Mika or Lilly..."

Ciel: She just put another of this lunatic grins

 

there was nothing of the usual treatments i do to my tulpas i could use to deal with her, so to do it i put myself in the same level as her, and talked to her as an equal(in terms of personality) so to make myself clear. She represents my "true strenght" and my "pure will" as i said, you know about that little voice that tells you "Give up, you can't do this, it's useless"? she's the same but with the opposite extreme, saying things like "you can't continue? too bad, stand up and finish that shit up".

 

In the time i was analyzing her, i depicted her as a "warrior" wielding a huge claymore in one hand and a shield in the other, i suppose she represents my desire to not give up no matter what, i actually needed this again today, because i was having an exam, so i told her i was going to need her strenght again(not sure if i was asking for it, or just saying it as a matter of fact), she just put another of those grins of her and just expressed her "interest" in the matter.

 

there's just an "issue" with her(it's not really a problem, but it's just for the record), she's extremely lewd and actually tried to rape me twice, and with this i'm not refering to those subtle suggestion mika occasionally does, this was rape for real, she just seductively jumps on me and starts to rub her body against mine, not giving me time at all to react, though i don't know how the hell i manage to stop it(some people could say it wasn't rape because i would enjoy it, and it's true, it's just that i don't know how else call it).

 

And this is what i remember about her, i let her be more to "see what happens" rather than wanting another tulpa, if she can behave(at least leaving Mika and Lilly alone) she can stay as long as she wants.

 

This is greatly interesting for me, because if this theory i was mentioning is true(at least for me) everything with my tulpas would make sense as i showed above, and i actually would be fullfilling my first true wish with this tulpa stuff: trying to know more about myself, but with that said, that bring as well the fear of having more tulpas than i was wishing to have, just saying.

 

Btw, i actually read in the preview the entire wall text i just actually wrote, and i'm sorry i couldn't put a tl;dr or something, it's just that i don't know how to summarize it.

 

Have a nice day people.

[Josh]

"Interesting! Ciel sounds alot like me, except for the rape part. Instinctual, I mean.

 

I'd very much like to talk with her sometime."

[Gambarimasu]

Today was a day of feels, i was on a little trip to a nearby town, just for relaxing and the stuff. With my tulpas, that little trip was more fun than if i was alone, they had a lot of fun too, there are also some things i noticed related to my progress in general and my knowledge about them as persons.

 

For example, in the way to the place i was going, there's a tunnel that is like 6 minutes long going in a car, Lilly and Ciel wondered about the tunnel, but Mika showed a bit of fear towards it, so i hugged her all the way through that tunnel, nice feels in there.

 

When i was arriving to where i was going to stay, i saw a lot of people swimming in a pool, so i thought what was i going to do myself(i don't really like swimming) to relax a little, Ciel said that i should just relax and have some fun, then suddenly i visualize her using a bikini and sunglasses, resting in a sunbathing-like fashion, i was like "._." but she said that if i was going to relax a little, she was going to do that too, so that's OK.

 

Mika also wanted to wear a swimsuit so she did, but it was like one of those japanese school swimsuits for girls, which was OK, but for some reason my lewdness taked over for a bit and my desire to see mika in a bikini too was too obvious, she stared at me with a scolding face, but later she said she was going to do it, and let me say this, Mika wearing a bikini + embarrassment because of it = HNNNNGGGGG, i needed some minutes to recover, it was epic. She did overcome it rather fast though, and just enjoyed the day as well. The only one bored was Lilly, she wasn't eager to use a swimsuit for some reason and just wanted to stick with whatever she was reading, so i just forced her a plain shirt and shorts just to match the surroundings.

 

To make it more official i just changed my wonderland into a beach, where i forced when i had a little moment. It was a fun day, though we didn't do much, but still fun, the only one distant was Lilly, she really likes to be in quiet places and stick with her reading, which i agreed as something fun, so i spend time with her, but it felt rather dull, she wasn't having that much fun after all.

 

Though, towards the end of the day there, i found a little story in a magazine, it was interesting so i readed the whole thing(it was like 3 pages) when i finished i realized Lilly was reading with me, and was actually smiling, she was happy and she even thanked me for reading it with her, the feels were epic indeed, at the end everyone had fun which was the goal for the day.

 

The way back home was a warm moment, not sure why but i found myself sitting in that car, hugging an asleep Mika and Lilly ,while Ciel was by my side, enjoying the sight(it was a montainous place, so the sight was awesome) she later rested her head on my shoulder, it took me a while to realize she was asleep too, priceless moment indeed.

 

It was a day full of feels as i said, but also a day of discoverings as well, today i learned a lot about them that i didn't know and i expect to continue learning more about them in the future. Not sure though if i need to focus in a oficial thing like trying lo lucid dream, imposition, possesion or things like those or just focus in knowing more about them like i'm doing(but i think knowing about them is a passive thing, so that's why i'm wondering this)

 

Not sure what expects me in the future, but i'm still here, trying to fight my way through it.

 

Have a nice day.

[Lolimancer]

I'd say passive force your way thorugh everything; feels come first. If you're worrying about possession and imposition then i'd say you've already done with actual forcing, just enjoyee your lifetime and what you truly want will come naturally. Like, it's not like everyone particularly wants to do possession/switching/merging/full schizo (i do sorta want some of those things, but not necessarily here and now).

[Gambarimasu]

Today someone in the shoutbox made me think a little about "merging all my tulpas into one", it's not something that i want, but it's something that i've been thinking about in the past. The idea of merging them into one feels like i'm dissipating them to just have one, so i didn't approved it at all.

 

But now that i think about it, the progress of my tulpas has been a reverse "merging" of them all, let me explain this, in the beginning i only had Mika, in that moment she was a very quiet person, hard to make her change that self-control state she always had, she was emanating this trustful aura that made me respect her a lot(like when you have a master at something, and that person is wise as hell, and you respect that person because you are the apprentice and you recognize the knwoledge of your master, something more of less of that feeling), always liking to have fun when possible, and also lewd and seductively to a certain extent. That mika wasn't as developed as i wish, so nobody in here knew her.

 

The thing comes with Lilly's arrival, in that moment, Lilly adopted a tsundere-ish attitude, while mika turned childish and playful out of nowhere, i even visualized her as a child sometimes, because she was trying to have fun like a child would normally do, laughing playfully and all that. Lilly in other hand lasted several days with that "tough girl" attitude, i think i lost her for a time after that, because i can't remember exactly what happened during the "transition", but when she was with me again her personality had a total change, she aparently discarded the tough personality, being more and more quiet, and when i visualized her she was either reading or enjoying the silence around her. Everyone was finally finding their true selfs, so i was happy for them.

 

In the meantime, Mika was barely assuming the though personality and that confident aura, but later discarded them too. In that time i was wondering about the personality from which Ciel was "born"(somewhere along my progress report i explained about this personality), i also combined the tough stuff(badass mode) and the "i can deal with any shit you throw at me" confidence stuff into this whole personality, assuming that as my true self(my "true" power for the fancy people, i always thought my true potential for things was locked up under this personality), so i continue with my normal life with both my tulpas.

 

Until that day where i tried to give this personality a cute girl form just for lulz, i never thought it would do anything strange(i underestimated my own mind here, so it's all my fault), in that moment Ciel came here and the fight/reconciliation stage with her came into action, and as today things are like they are, Mika being childish and playful, Lilly being the wise and quiet person, and Ciel the strong-minded kind of person with the desire to not give up at things.

 

If you noticed what i'm trying to say with this summary thing, then congratulations. The original mika was like a combination of my three tulpas right now(the original being like the three of them but to an extent, the three of them going really deep into their respective personalities).

 

I'm really mindfucked right now(as usual), and i don't even know how i managed to go deep into this topic that fast, when i begin to write this i only had a vague idea of what to write.

 

If someone knows about this matter and want to help me understand a little about this, feel free to drop around here sometimes, it would be nice to relieve this mindfuck just a little.

 

Have a nice day.

[Gambarimasu]

So, just for the record, the merging thing was dropped almost instantly, i know it's something i don't want to do but i can't help having intrusive thoughts about it, i know i won't try to do it, i feel it's like a "coward's way out" if i do.

 

With that settled down i just want to do a little post about motivation, i've been having issues with this lately, but not about my own progress with my tulpas, it's just stuff irl.

 

I've been rather nervous because of that, and a little scared too, thinking about what will happen if i fail in what i need to do. Mika has been comforting me, hugging me and telling me everything will be okay, but Ciel had enough of my attitude and just began to attack me.

 

It was so suddenly that i was on the defensive for quite a time before i snapped out of it(yes she was kicking my sorry ass because i wasn't fighting back at all, just defending myself) i remember trying to tell her to stop, but she refusing to do it and saying that unless "my inner fire" grows she wouldn't stop.

 

Let me explain this, the inner fire is something i've been visualizing for quite a time(not before entering this tulpa thing, but it is still quite a time) that consists in a flame in a black void seen only if i try to do it aiming at myself, i can't explain what is this exactly(call it mood,will,motivation, whatever) but this flame always changes with my own circumstances, being like a lighter's flame if i'm cornered by them, being a normal torch in normal corcumstances, and bursting in a huge flame in moments when i feel i can overcome whatever shit is thrown at me.

 

Returning to Ciel, she was kicking my ass indeed, and i had her words in mind, so i tried to do it. Thing is, i couldn't do it no matter what while her attacks were turning more merciless, so i was in quite a panic.

 

Trying to remember times when i was full of myself and the inner fire was more strong, i tried to mimic those moments, but it wasn't helping at all, until a moment when i managed to land a clear hit on her, she was angry as fuck because of it, telling me that i will regret doing that.

 

Some of you might think that making your tulpa angry is a bad thing, but for some reason it wasn't the case here, not sure what but that reaction of her reminded me of something, i was slowly recovering myself to the point i turned tables on her, with a simple look at it, my inner fire dramatically burst into a huge fire, and when i realized i was beating up Ciel.

 

At some point i stopped attacking her, realizing that i've already won, and after that i had a little conversation with her(damn people! don't judge me for not remembering the whole conversation), i remember her saying something along the lines of "Phew! i could grow used to kicking your ass", me thanking her for everything and she just smiling at me at the end.

 

Fun fact: I was just waking up and i was sleepy as hell, when everything happened i wasn't sleepy anymore and i got out of bed easily lol

 

All what happened reminded me of a video i used to see in my early days, that video used to motivate me when i needed it and was actually helpful to overcome that desire of giving up in the early stages.

 

Here is the video if someone cares.

(Spoiler to the fate/stay night visual novel btw)

 

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uRKPjBVMR4A

 

I always had in mind these things whenever i saw it:

 

Guy covered in swords(protagonist) = Yourself

 

Creepy dude in black = Whatever bad thing is chasing you(intrusive thoughts, bad habits, etc)

 

That girl = Whatever is motivating you to keep going(for me is my tulpa)

 

I know it doesn't make much sense at all changing the things i wrote above, but i think at least the message it wants to give is clearly understandable.

 

It's about someone who's on the verge of giving up in the fight against all evil things, but suddenly remembers why is he fighting and why he need to continue: To protect what he loves, to protect all the good in his life. So he can't give up, even if he know he's going to lose.

 

Fancy as fuck i know, but meh, i regret nothing, and the feels because of it are priceless.

 

Have a nice day.

[Gambarimasu]

I've been pretty unstable lately, making Mika worry like the bastard i am, i need to remember to apologize to her properly, i did one hastily and she forgave me, but it's not enough for me.

 

Why i've been unstable? there are a lot of things irl i need to handle well but i can't, these things are a matter of time to master, the thing is, during this "unstable" time i've been passing through i managed to know more things about myself.

 

For one, it seems i'm pretty resistant to be depressed but always suffering the side effects of it(As far as i have seen, depression makes you to not think properly and be with unstable emotions, but for me, it can't affect me more than with a "subtle feeling" inside me, so i can burst in a wave of motivation and confidence easily from it), but that makes me switch between depression-motivation rather easily, which i think is a problem.

 

Between all this sudden changes, in one of high motivation to be more precise, i could feel something howling within me, this made me curious about it, because i have felt it before. According to Lilly it is the part of me from where Ciel came, but in "its most pure state", she explained to me that it is related to that personality of mine i described before, and when i asked her about it's form(i depicted it as many creatures) she only said that it depends on me. I already know this isn't another tulpas or something, it's just a symbolic way to represent myself, though it's still what Ciel represents but in an indirect way, not sure how to explain it.

 

I'm not sure if mika is confused or just worried about me(i've been a reckless bastard lately, i admit it), but Ciel is interested a lot in that, telling me to let it arise in myself, thing i can't just do because i know it's not a normal personality, it's a berserker-like personality so it can't get out as it is no matter what, i don't blame Ciel for telling me to go berserker though, because it is actually what i need in my life.

 

That's why i decided to focus my tulpa progress in personal acknowledgement and personal improvement, i feel that there's a way to let all this parts of myself(The ones my tulpas represent primarily) improve the way of how i perceive things and change the way i do things without suffering the bad things that those parts of me carries within themselves, making me a best and competent person(not only in the way i think, but also in the way i act).

 

Maybe all of this sound like a bunch of crap(i admit that maybe i wrote it too hastily) and maybe that isn't the answer for my own improvement as a person, but when i say "personal improvement" i'm not refering only to myself, i want my tulpas to develop as persons too, i want them to find the true way of how they are(in case my theory of them representing parts of myself is wrong), i want them to be happy and to be themselves.

 

The idea of reviewing basic stages with them is still in my mind, but i've been too busy with irl stuff to actually put that in practice, but i think it's the first step i have to take towards the self-knowledge.

 

Have a nice day.