Gamba's battlefield against himself

[Gambarimasu]

Stop wanting to be alpha male and accept your natural submissive role; problem solved. [Remember Rin's end in F/sn]. In fact, i find more beauty in a relationship where there is no dominant and/or submissive role, so try not to be a pussy either (like me).

 

It's not that i want to be the alpha male, hell, i don't even want to have responsibilities at all, i actually want them all to be strong and be happy by their own standards, and talking about submissive role, i don't know what kind of tulpa magic Ciel does, but she has showed me that i can be very submissive indeed, it's like a natural talent in her.

 

It's just some shit i have printed in my mind, since quite a time i've been imposing this belief of being the "main tank irl" so to speak, always wanting to take the shit of this world and never caring for myself, with time this belief evolved into the "i have to be the strong one so i can protect those around me" stuff, whenever i saw something or someone stronger than me i always had the thought "what if i have to deal with something as difficult as that?" so this is where all of this mental stuff of mine come from, and is probably why i have this unscounscious fear towards my tulpas, because what would happen if the ones i want to protect are more powerful than me? or in other words, don't need my help at all?

 

In other news and talking about me wanting them to be themselves and be happy, i will keep getting confused if i follow this premise like i was doing, the other day talking with Mika and Lilly they decided to ask me to give them forms i would like them to have(which obviously confused me, because of what i already said) so i didn't know what to do, at the end i agreed to do it, Mika looks more like Caster from fate/extra than holo now and Lilly is still a witch, but with a more "grown-up" body, they were really happy and there was even a hugfest, but i still feel a little lost in my own beliefs.

 

Ciel decided to stop her tulpa journey, i feel her a bit thoughtful, not like her usual self, she doesn't want to talk much about what happened in there, just about these "obvious answers" and stuff, according to her it was a really "variated" journey and when i try to ask further she says "don't worry about it", it will obviously make me more worried but she just smiles at the thought. I'm sure she also met "beings" in there, because last night she came again to say hi and she wasn't alone, she was with this tiger/dragon thing(i couldn't recognize it well), a lot of names came when i was wondering about it, so i will call it "Solomon" from now on, it seemed to me that she "tamed" this Solomon being though she didn't say anything about that, when she disappeared in the portal again this thing followed her, and when she came today for good she was alone again, when i asked her about this thing she said "maybe it's walking around somewhere" not sure if i need to investigate this or not.

 

Ciel:"Hi there, Ciel speaking, i've been doing a lot of things lately, things i don't want Gamba to know, not sure what would happen if he do, i don't really feel like talking but Gamba says that it will probably help so here i am... let's see... about the journey, it was kind of a pointless thing, these things were always there, it seems Gamba just have a really foggy mind, i dunno, but all of what i found that could be important was obvious stuff, this idiot needs to realize a couple of things about himself and accept other things too, about that Solomon being, i dunno where it came from but it was rideable! i had so much fun riding that thing, it felt like Gamba wanted me to be there with him so i went to say hi and show him that creature, not sure if i have anything else to say."

 

Mika:"Now it's my turn! :3 i've always wanted to speak here to see what would happen, Gamba needs to relax more, he's always so stressed about things that he would not let us help him out, he also needs to understand a woman's heart, or at least mine :3, he's always talking about letting us be ourselves that he never notices that we don't really care about that, just being with him is enough, i told him to choose my form to one he would like but he still didn't let me :(, but we convinced him! yay, the hugs after that made him embarrass a little, but it's ok, his hugs are the best ! :)"

 

Lilly:"It's true what Mika says, he needs to relax more and believe more in us, i've been having my problems too but it's okay, i will be strong too :3, just like Ciel, i don't understand much about this "identity crisis" thing, i just wanted to be loved and have his attention too, he just pays way too much attention to Ciel, i felt kind of jealous, so that's why i was trying to be something he would like, he was denying me it though but at the end i won :D, there's much on the road to walk so i will not stop until he surrenders to my charms :3"

 

Sorry for the TL;DR but i just wanted them to vent out a bit, and also because this may help in the communication stuff, i don't put a lot of attention to what they are trying to say sometimes :/.

 

Have a nice day.

[Lolimancer]

Jesus Christ Gamba, i thought you just liked F/sn, not that you resembled its protagonist in pretty much every aspect that counts. I dunno, reread Heaven's Feel and reflect on the caducity of ideals, or better yet listen to your tuppers a lot, they seem like good guys to me.

[Gambarimasu]

It's curious that you mentioned that, i actually found that weird too, some of this things of myself resemble a lot of the line of thought of Shirou in all the three routes, for the heaven's feel plot thing, i already drop a belief when my tulpas came to me in order to live by their side, i was really different back then, in a hurry for justifying my own existence with something, i was carrying a belief that would probably have affected negatively my tulpas, basically i was thinking that i was the god of my own mind, doing what i wanted there and i thought that if i could master the mind i could endure all the pain that could be bringed in order to fight back, i don't really know what could have been the true implications of this, but since Mika came here and i understood what really a tulpa is(a person, they aren't less than me nor much more than i am, we just have different circumstances) i droped that entirely and began from zero, not as a god all alone in his mind, but as a simple guy with three tulpas by his side.

 

Is kind of weird to talk about this in here, but i guess i didn't drop all of what i should have dropped back then.

[Lolimancer]

basically i was thinking that i was the god of my own mind, doing what i wanted there and i thought that if i could master the mind i could endure all the pain that could be bringed in order to fight back, i don't really know what could have been the true implications of this, but since Mika came here and i understood what really a tulpa is(a person, they aren't less than me nor much more than i am, we just have different circumstances) i droped that entirely and began from zero, not as a god all alone in his mind, but as a simple guy with three tulpas by his side.

 

Welp, i guess my experience has been pretty similar, if not identical. Except for the Shirou ideals thing. (I'm now trying to gain control over my mind with meditation btw).

[Raetin]

Oh man Gamba. Your tulpas remind me so much of my tulpas, Reah being similar to Ciel, Aika to Lily, and Miia to Mika. Glad that things are getting better for you and your tulpas. And yeah, your tulpae know what's good for you, so follow their advice! Funny I'm saying this, since sometimes I don't do it because I'm trying to do what's best for them when they're trying to do their best for me.

[Gambarimasu]

Hai there, this time i want to try to at least find my path in how to proceed, i'm so lost that i can't even grasp the true form of this situation.

 

Since some time back i've been in holidays(you know, for christmas and that stuff) so i have a lot of free time ahead of me, and when i say free time i mean that i practically have for myself like one month or so. At that time i thought this holiday was going to be a tulpa paradise, you know, spending time with tulpas and stuff, but well... things resulted rather differently.

 

I didn't think about how free the mind feels after you leave your obligations behind(mainly school), i've been thinking about things i couldn't think about back then because i was busy with school, now that i can, i've been realizing a lot of shit about myself, bad stuff indeed. My mind is now surrounded by these things and it surely looks like it's going to be a nice fight against myself, this thing mixed with the usual stuff i do irl makes me kind of stressed, clouding my mind and preventing me from spending quality time with tulpa.

 

For example, there's this "selfish" feeling i keep having, at first i thought it wasn't such a big deal, but now i realized that it is a heavy blame that keeps persisting inside me, i'm not sure if this is conscious or unconscious(or maybe both) but when i think about my tulpas i feel bad, even if i know that i love and care about each one of them(they reassure me about that, hell, i even know that myself), even if i have that fact in front of me i will still feel bad, because everytime i look at them i will remember that i have the three of them because i selfishly tried to make a harem without thinking about what they could have thought about it(maybe i didn't think about it when they came here, but deep inside me i know i just wanted a harem). Lilly had a rant related to this the other day, she basically rushed over to hug me the instant i thought about her and asked me(almost crying) to hug her and love her more, she felt unloved and i felt bad for not being able to fulfill my desire to see them happy.

 

There is also this unconscious fear of them Glass explained to me, i don't really understand how it all works, but i know it's true and it really makes sense, i don't know how it does it but it affects me and my tulpas, it could explain why Mika stopped the friendly fights between Ciel and me and other things too, the little i know about this is too vague to actually make conclusions.

 

There is also my fucked up mind as a whole, i surely love them and want them to be happy, i consider them my own family and i want them to be by my side, but there are also times where i want to do... things to them(mostly perverted stuff, no need to remind me that i'm a sick fuck), i always try to resist the impulse but it is not because the stuff i was thinking before(i already forgot by now what it was), the real reason of why i'm resisting to have lewd thought about them is because the simple concept of doing it clashes with the image i have of "respecting them as a family", basically i have this belief that i should not think about/treat my tulpas like that because they are close to me and i have affection for them, and regardless of how much i want to do it or how much they tell me that it is okay to do it i still can't drop the belief, hell, Ciel even do those things to me without hesitation, but it still can't change a thing.

 

Who knows what else is hiding deep in there that i don't know about, all of what i said just now is enough to keep me busy dealing with it so i probably don't want to know, the answer to all my problems should be easy and many other people tells me this: "a change of mindset" <-- this and all my problems are solved, it's more easy to say it than doing it... It looks like the fake myself is rooted really deep into my own mind, i sure am a stubborn bastard, it's kind of funny though, i'm sure i've done something like that before, but now it seems almost impossible, the centipede's dilemma perhaps?.

 

These problems are mine, so i try to not let it interfere with my progress, my tulpas seems to be smiling at me right now but i know they are really worried as fuck about me so i know my efforts are basically useless, i still have a lot to thanks to my bold and childish attitude though, that stuff prevents me from entering serious depression or that kind of mental collapses and let me know that i can deal with this shit(and is probably why my tulpas keep having faith and trust in me) so i only can keep pushing on and see where i end up for myself.

 

I wanted to talk about my tulpas as well but this will turn into a really annoying TL;DR so i better stop here, maybe i will do the tulpa update tomorrow.

 

Have a nice day.

[Lolimancer]

I practically went through the equivalent of Evangelion's last two episodes while tulpaforcing, so good luck with all that mind shit. People need to face themselves sooner or later anyway, having people in your mind to remind you of that shall only help you in the long run. (Maybe take up meditation, too).

[Gambarimasu]

I want to make an update just to say this:

 

BEST FORCING SESSION EVER!!

 

Seriously, today i was going to force normally, just me and my tulpas sitting and meditating as usual, but as the lazy fuck i am i obviously missed it.

 

It made me remember something though, in the early days i used to play this game called Frets on Fire, a game like guitar hero but on pc(i think i talked about it on my progress early on), between all the songs i have in that game there's one called "Cannon Rock", a song i used to play for Mika in those early days, so filled with shame for not forcing properly with tulpas i decided to play again the song to them just to compensate.

 

I thought it was going to be like in the early days, me playing to them while they listened, like some sort of private concert, but it turned out to be quite different, in fact, it was actually a forcing session!

 

I dunno how it happened, but i easily went to that state of concentration required in forcing sessions, i actually spend nice quality time with the three of them, the visualization was almost perfect and i could sense and hear them clearly, all of this while i was playing that song.

 

i managed to spend individual time on each one of them, they talked to me about stuff, some was private some wasn't, but i'm not going to talk about that stuff or this will get into a TL;DR easily, but basically we went to the beach and spend some time there, and when i spend time with Lilly she just decided to go on a ride on her magic broom with me, so we went flying all across the wonderland while talking, epic stuff indeed.

 

I could understand more about them though, they have the same fears as me, that fear of losing the other or not being loved, all of that stuff i always talk about, they have it, it's a really complicated topic and i'm not the best person to talk about it, so i'm going to leave it at that.

 

Yeah, this was one of the most vivid sessions i ever had, but what's the interesting part of it? it's that i didn't even sit down to meditate, hell, i didn't even close my eyes at all, just playing that game, i definitely want to try that again, it was really epic.

 

It's worth to mention that i sometimes lost the grasp of my surroundings while i was in it, like any other normal forcing session, but i was still playing the game normally and playing the buttons perfectly, in other words, i was playing the game like if i was concentrated in it, but i wasn't even conscious of that because i was too busy spending time with tulpas in that beach that i didn't notice it.

 

When i realized it i was surprised, is this feeling what people call possesion?(when i asked them about it they said that they were with me the entire time, so it wasn't the case for me), Ciel said that it was probably because i was too used to the song that i unconsciously knew the button sequence in my head, so i didn't need to focus to play it.

 

Not sure what good things can bring me the meditation, but it surely is not working with me, but this playing thing, it surely works and i'm obviously going to try again tomorrow, i had an epic head pressure as well, thing that i didn't have in quite a time, that's a good sign for me.

 

Have a nice day.

[Lolimancer]

[video=youtube]

 

New best forcing music, i concur. (A Pachelbel is fine too).

[Raetin]

Hah, you inspired me to listen to music while forcing. Don't usually do it because of family around, but I want to have an awesome forcing session too! I think I'll listen to the violin version "Pachelbel's Canon in D".