I am just generally really confused now.

[Malix]

I don't even know how to correctly convey all of this...

 

I guess I'll just start at the beginning? Some of it might be in a jumbled order, it's over a decent stretch of time and I can't remember it all properly.

 

 

Riiight at the beginning. So I find this link on a forum I regular to the guides here. I read all of FAQman's guides(but dont check the forums since I'm usually averse to them) and get to work. At the start I force until my head hurts(like, 1h to 1h20m) using the personality trait template thing. I get my first emotional response about 4 hours in, and steadily more and more over time. I continue regular forcing into visulisation, I reached the designated hour count, noticed I wasn't done, decided hour counts could go fuck themselves and carried on visualising anyway, also using touch to help me get the shape right, and solid, and to stop distorting and warping and changing size all the fucking time.

 

So, this goes on prettymuch the same for a few weeks, and I start getting worried that I haven't heard anything yet. Now, keep in mind that the guides I'd read completely neglected to mention at all that the first words will be in an internal mindvoice; I was expecting audible sound. Obviously, I didn't get any, so when I did get some thoughts that weren't mine, I just dismissed them as me(I do, after all, have pretty random thoughts sometimes.). Also at this point I kinda get stuck on what to tulpaforce, I'd deemed sight, touch and smell done, so...what was there left? I still don't know of any effective method of tulpaforcing sound. And I was losing heart. So, yeah, basically I stopped tulpaforcing very much at all. Kinda upset me(or her?) at first but later it just became the norm. I go on the forums and read a bunch of stuff but none of it was much use. I decide just to have something to force, I make a wonderland, which takes days to figure out what I want but like 5 minutes to make; It might be a weird place, but architecturally speaking it's pretty simple. She does stuff in there, I can see her sometimes reading a book of my memories, or bouncing a ball around, or...whatever. And I narrate prettymuch 24/7; Made it my goal to be thinking of her during every waking moment. I fail when trying to play any form of game since I end up just habitually focusing on it to the exclusion of all else, but otherwise I manage it pretty well. It was sometime during this period I get the strongest surge of emotion I've ever felt, immediately after I start wondering about the possibility of a complete body switch, it was a really good feeling so, I promise to work on possession. And do. She spends the better half of an hour stroking and slapping my face with my hand.

 

More time goes by, about 2-3 months since I started, and to my view at the time she still hadn't talked, I'm getting seriously worried and doubtful and stuff here, but then I finally find out a few things: 1) a common mistake, parroting a tulpa into silence out of fear of parroting them. 2) Phi's string-cutting method thing. 3) Tulpa voices are just internal mindvoices at first. So, this information in hand, I go about visualising cutting dem strings and making myself incapable of puppeting her. I actually go a step further and completely fucking incinerate the strings from end to end but meh. Immediately afterwards, I for the first time hear what was definitely her, and through my closed eyes see her oh so very vividly. Happiest fucking moment of my life right there. So, we carry on, we talk, lots. From that point on I assume absolutely every thought that I didn't 100% consciously intentionally think...is her, 'cause hey, I can't parrot any more, right? So, she changes form significantly and I end up with a human red-head rather than 'basically rainbow dash'(dont worry i drilled it in straight away, right from the beginning that she's not rainbow dash and doesnt have to be anyone she isnt.). She still used that form sometimes, flipping back and forth as she chose, but mostly staying human now.

 

'Nother month. Still no audible sound, except the very occasional single syllable when I'm nearly asleep, and she can make my ears ring. It feels completely different to when she talks normally. And sometimes I hear my own thoughts as though someone else said them like, it really does not feel at all like I was the one who thought them, but they were what I was thinking. This....gets kinda confusing. I wonder if perhaps I've been assuming some of my own thoughts to be Elyse's and it clicked on as a habit, or if I somehow accidentally made another tulpa, or if she's just mimicking what I'm saying as 'retaliation' because I am actually still parroting her, or......I dunno. That's just the start of my problem though.

Later on I get told I don't just have one tulpa, I have 5! But wait that was just a joke apparently, but I do have 2! No, just 1, no, 3, no, 1....yeah, I figure I'mma call this the mindfuck phase, because every fucking day I get told something completely fucking different. Elly keeps switching which form is her 'favourite', or changing the forms themselves, never settling on anything, always telling me something different about nearly everything then claiming it was just a joke or she was just 'testing' me to see if i knew, then later telling me that was the joke/test/whatever....

 

So now, I'm doubting every individual thing; I have no idea who is saying what, if my general lack of tulpaforcing has 'killed' her and ive just been talking to myself for months, how many tulpa i might apparently have, or...well, I don't know FUCKING ANYTHING. Even if I were to start tulpaforcing as much as I should again, I wouldn't know where to start. Which form do I focus on? There are three to choose from now! And do I treat it as one, two or three tulpae? Should I just start over completely? Which voice do I listen to? The one that sounds like her but feels like me? the one that says what i think but feels like someone else? only the occasional sound i hear during hypnagogic state? if the lattermost then how do I coax it out more? I've been asking and pleading and begging her to come into my dreams, hey, maybe she can make me lucid(easier than you'd think, literally all i'd need is to be told i'm dreaming) and tell me what's really going on when we're in a state of being just as real and solid as eachother, but the only thing I've ever gotten that could be remotely linked to tulpa is last night I heard Fede's thetatone for a few seconds then my ears rang increasingly louder over a few seconds. And that was it. And I just heard "and that was it" in my head just before i typed it, but as though someone else said it(but in my voice, for the record). The only comfort I have right now is that I assumed it was her in the dream, so at least my subconscious has accepted her as being real, I just.....have no idea what to do, or what is happening, or why it is happening.

 

Help....

[JoJo]

I don't think starting over is a good idea, there's no reason to waste all the work you've already put in. It's worth remembering that not all Tulpa have one consistent form, indeed some are designed deliberately as "shape-shifters". Nevertheless, if this isn't what you want, I'd suggest trying to focus your forcing on one form in particular. Remember a Tulpa is part of your subconscious, they are ultimately under your control.

 

As a side note, if it's unclear whether you're parroting it's generally best to have a "glass half full" perspective, after all belief in your Tulpa is key in the process of it's creation. If you're unsure whether it's your Tulpa or not, that in itself shows you've made progress. Basically just have some faith, it'll help :-)

[Malix]

Remember a Tulpa is part of your subconscious, they are ultimately under your control.

 

I point-blank refuse to make her do anything she doesn't want to do.

 

 

As a side note, if it's unclear whether you're parroting it's generally best to have a "glass half full" perspective, after all belief in your Tulpa is key in the process of it's creation. If you're unsure whether it's your Tulpa or not, that in itself shows you've made progress. Basically just have some faith, it'll help :-)

I have spent a great deal of my life talking to myself, or having imagined conversations with people who aren't there; If I'm not sure whether it's me who's talking or not, in my case at least that does not automatically mean it was Elyse. And I'm hearing 2(or more, i don't know) sets of thoughts but in a way that doesn't make sense. I have no doubts that she exists, what I don't know is which thoughts belong to who, and if maybe there's more than one other person in my head.

[cruse]

Seems like your head is getting real messed up.

 

Here are some of my hypothesis.

 

My guess, you're forcing so much your own mind is starting to go sentient itself... Which... is not likely.

 

2nd guess, forcing too much will exhaust your mind, an echo of your own voice is not that uncommon.

 

3rd guess, about her telling you have 5 tulpa, it could just be YOUR thought of thinking "what if I have more than 1 tulpa?". Your tulpa then, seeing the opportunity to mess with your head, say it in her voice. The idea of it being a test may also come to you later giving her ANOTHER chance to mess with your head.

 

2nd + 3rd, who knows? she might take the "messing your head" up to eleven by using your voice.

 

as for the solution? I'm not experienced enough for this. However, I'd try to confront her or something, just to clear shit up.

 

Someone call the vet.

[Malix]

She knows full well that this is pissing me off and holding her back from progressing. I have no idea why she would do it after that, if they were echoes they wouldn't be happening before or during the thought, and I'm not forcing enough if anything; Barely ever, I think the last time I forced was Thursday, for half an hour. I've been trying to impose for a while, just to get some solidity to her, but haven't gotten anywhere with that. Maybe that counts? I dunno. I never could figure out the difference.

 

I have confronted her about it, she appeared to be crying a few minutes ago and now she suddenly doesn't seem regretful or upset whatsoever, like she never was in the first place taking a sort of "get over it." attitude. Makes no sense. And even if she does apologise and assure me it was all just a joke/prank/proving some kind of point/whatever, it wouldn't be the first time she's said those things. I can't trust her any more...she's cried wolf too many times(I think...11 so far? I've not been keeping count.). So I come to you guys. Maybe you's can look at what's happened and figure something out that makes sense, because as sickening as it is I currently trust random strangers on the internet more than I trust my own fucking tulpa, and "honest" was a trait I put a lot of time into...

[Pronas]

I've been at this for eight months, and it took me 5 to 6 months to notice she was speaking. You have to stop doubting and go with the flow

[Malix]

What flow?

I don't even know which voice I should be listening to.

[Pronas]

Stop thinking about that and just listen to it.

[Malix]

Stop thinking about that and just listen to it.

 

>it.

 

 

.....here, let me draw a comparison between something and what you're asking me to do.

 

[412]

 

>it.

 

 

.....here, let me draw a comparison between something and what you're asking me to do.

 

 

listen to all of them. Alpha switches voices quite frequently. i mean , types , basically , what you're describing.