Verres & Saeya Progress Report

[bunnymustdie]

Visualization Progress Report for Past Week:

Done more work on faces. Improvement was slow but steady.

 

The issue where the overall look of tulpas' were wonky after zooming in on a detail and zooming out again was diminished by a good bit after practicing zooming in & out a lot on them and working on their individual details. It still pops up sometimes though. For the most part, I can kind of see how they are as an overall form in my mind's eye, even with all the extra details I added through scanning work. It's not as overwhelming or capable of breaking down their mental images as before.

 

I changed my habit with scanning. Before, I would take a few minutes to look at different reference images, then go lie down on my bed for 45 minutes. This means I would not have access to reference images for the session even when the visualization degraded. Now I sit in front of the computer while doing scanning sessions, this ensures that I am able to look at the reference images whenever the need arise. This overall made scanning quicker and more efficient.

 

The tulpas' naked forms were noticeably harder to visualize than their clothed forms. In a way, their naked forms are just another outfit that needs to be worked on before it looks good, it's not like with flesh and blood people where a naked form is there by default. The reference images I used featured a girl with an hour glass shaped torso, and that caused a lot of problems with visualizing the tulpas. I looked up one of those reference images that showed different female body shapes, and realized that both of my tulpas had a different body shape that I subconsciously designed for them ages ago, and that was what caused the problems. I now work with a reference image with a more accurate shape for their forms. Generally, their body shapes more like real life people's and less super skinny like anime characters, but maintain the same general shape as I've always imagined them to be. Their body shapes are likely to continue to change.

 

Overall, I need to do more work on how their naked forms look like, and should probably focus on the shape of their breasts too as that's one area where there's noticeable problems.

 

Working on the tulpas' naked forms also showed areas where their movements needed improvement. The long, flowy outfits they often wear tend to cover up flaws in their movements that visualizing them naked would show. I spent time working on it this week and made progress there. I can now get further ahead while doing JD's exercise within the same period of time, even if I try to do it slow and properly visualize every movement the tulpas make. Refining their turning movements also led me to work more on how the tulpas look while at different angles.

 

I did JD's exercise a bit more near the end of the week, I realized that I don't get as deeply relaxed sitting in front of the computer and doing scanning. JD's exercise seem to help me get to a different state where the tulpas look more vivid and have a certain presence.

 

Possession Related Stuff:

I did some possession stuff with Verres this week. The very first time she demonstrated this ability, which was years ago, was by doing it on me unannounced and without permission. It led to a bad impression on my part regarding possession. Through the years as I got more used to the idea, I'd sometimes bug her to do stuff for me out of convenience, like getting me out of bed in the morning when I'm lazy and sleepy, or flat out ask her to do it as almost a sort of party trick. This seems to make her testy regarding the matter of possession as well. Anyway this week we somehow got to talking about toenails. I got to talking to her about how if she was physical, I'd probably cut her toenails. I didn't flat out say it, but it was meant as a gesture of affection. She then offered to cut my toenails for me, which I agreed to. 

 

It turned out pretty interesting for me. I'm more familiar with the sort of possession where she gets my body to do something that I can do automatically, like changing my clothes or getting out of bed. I cut my toenails rare enough that it's not an automatic thing for me, but rather something I do with focus. When Verres was doing it, my body was moving as if it was doing an automatic, brainless act like changing. She also did it differently from how I do it - I tend to be very careful to not make a wrong cut and can easily take 20 to 30 minutes cutting all of my toenails, whereas she moved quickly and with precise, mechanical purpose, like the sort of videos you see on youtube where a professional groomer is cutting the claws off of an obese cat or dog, and was finished in 12 minutes. The movements had an automatic quality to them, but were clearly not movements that I acquired through past experience, and not directed by me either. I'm frankly surprised by what she is capable of.

Edited June 26, 2025 by bunnymustdie

[bunnymustdie]

Visualization Progress Report for Past Week:

I found a picture with different breast shapes from the website of a clinic that does breast augmentation surgeries. The breasts are drawn in a simple, no non-sense medical style, but it was exactly what I needed. When I did scanning work on Verres with this set of pictures in combination of the set of female hip proportion pictures from last week, I had a very sudden and strong feeling of "completion". It was as if something in my subconscious really needed those pictures, and it was the exact missing piece from a puzzle that it wanted. When I did visualization work with Verres that day, she was vivid on a whole different level, and I spent a lot of time working on her wings and their movements because there were not much need to work on the usual stuff.

 

When I did work with Saeya later that night using the same breast shapes picture set, I did not get the same "eureka" feeling from my subconscious. Trying to visualize her with improvements from these pictures made me realize that my subconscious was still stuck on her face, that there are information my mind was still missing before Saeya's form can be considered complete. The pictures did make her torso look more well formed, at least.

 

The picture I was using as a reference for both tulpas' face styles were better suited for Verres and that was probably why progress on Saeya's face was slower. I went back on Second Life's market place website and found a picture that was more appropriate for Saeya and did scanning work using it over the course of 3 days.

 

I had trouble properly visualizing the exact shapes for human lips on and off. I realized during the past week's work that upper lip shapes and curvatures are a lot like those of mustache's - if I can imagine a mustache, I can do fine with female lips.

Spoiler

 

Saeya's face have improved quite a bit over the past week too and is now more distinct from Verres' face, though her overall form is not at the same place as Verres yet.

 

The work I've done with the breast shapes and face/lip shapes have made a big difference. As of last week, I can barely get past a count of 40 in JD's exercise if I were to try to visualize my tulpas' with properly animated movements and all the relevant details on their bodies during a 45 minute session. I can now get to 70 with Verres and the mid to high 60s with Saeya in the same time frame, and the numbers seem to continue to improve as I spend more time on the exercise.

 

My subconscious doesn't really blackout or encounter trouble from not knowing how to visualize/generate the tulpas' forms anymore, be it clothed or naked. I now know how the tulpas' overall forms are from the ground up. Looking at them from odd angles such as when they are turning still can cause hiccups. Being too focused and wanting to direct everything with my mind also causes issues, so I need to go back to being more relaxed and passive the way I handled JD's exercise before I went off to focus on scanning details like their movements, body shapes, faces and whatever else.

 

Right now things generally look like they're going in a good direction. It feels like if I take the time with JD's exercise again with the recent improvements in mind, I can get a lot further. At my very best with Verres, she can reach a point as defined by JD's guide as having her whole form present, but missing details, and ready for imposition. I am not always at my best with her, and my mid term goal with her is to be able to easily reach and stay at this stage of visualization.

 

Possession Related Stuff:

I asked for Verres's help and gave her permission to possess me when it's late at night and I need to get to bed, since I want to be able to wake up early to meditate. She's been doing it for a few nights so far. She's able to control my arm enough to close all windows on the computer and shut it down, despite one or two nights when a part of myself still wanted to waste more time on the PC. My quality of sleep have improved a lot from the earlier bed times.

 

Miscellaneous Stuff:

I got to talking with both tulpas on the subject matter of petty retail theft today. More specifically, when people go through Walmart's self checkout and intentionally not pay for some of their items. I heard Saeya's opinion on this for the first time. Years ago I spoke with Verres on the same topic, and I found out today that her opinion on this has changed. She went from being neutral on checkout theft to be more against it. My view on this topic, on the other hand, have stayed the same. We more or less agreed to disagree.

Edited July 3, 2025 by bunnymustdie

[bunnymustdie]

Visualization Progress Report for Past Week:

I read an online post by someone who trained themselves toward hyperphantasia, i.e, the sort of super realistic visualization I'm working toward for my tulpas, which I also think is helpful for imposition. They mentioned that making an imagined visual body for oneself helps a lot with this stuff, and also that making a static, non-changing mental hub also helps. The "mental hub" they mentioned is basically the wonderland mentioned in tulpamancy guides. They gave convincing reasons as to why these two things help, so I went ahead and made both.

 

My own imagined form is something temporary that I'm not too committed to. The wonderland is just a simple house from one of the games from the Sims franchise that I stuck in the grass field where I usually do JD's exercise. The house has a detailed floor plan and is more minimalist than real life homes, so it's easy for me to visualize compared to early ideas I tried out and spoke to my tulpas with. On that note, I initially wanted something really small like a container home, Saeya wanted non modern structures such as a yurt, and Verres wanted huge structures such as castles and mansions. The retro looking house from the Sims game was a reasonable compromise between what we all wanted.

 

Having both an imagined form for myself and this house gives me a lot more opportunity to involve my other senses in visualization. It has doorknobs to turn, doors to open, furniture to sit on, tea kettle to boil on the stove, lights to turn on, and just a whole host more sources of sensory input to practice with. It also feels more natural to experiment with food, and to carefully experience their taste and texture in this house. I'm satisfied with it so far, and it's also more fun to work with it. The way I approached JD's exercise was turning it into a chore. I was troubleshooting my experience with JD's exercise the other day and realized I do ok the first 5 to 10 minutes with it, but would get worse over time partially because a part of my mind that tries too hard to physically look at things and also nitpick over little details would become active and get in the way of it.

 

Working with/in this wonderland house gave me a new routine and a chance to be more relaxed. I'd keep a visualization of my tulpa go on for longer because I'm not instinctively nitpicking over visual details like I've developed to be with JD's exercise. I'm just letting visual and other sensory stuff happen without worrying about getting the exact details right. I'm giving my subconscious a change to fill in those details over time. Overall messing with a wonderland so far is fun, but it's too early to tell if it's producing results yet. One thing that has happened so far is that I can get back to a state where I'm relaxed and visualizing acceptably even when I've gotten distracted or gotten up from bed and laid back down again. The best way I can explain it is that the house, and the ability to visualize the tulpas inside it, is kind of like a "place" that I've learned to return to.

 

I've also seen discussion related to hyperphantasia describe the ability to visualize things inside one's mind as separate from the ability to see them imposed in real life. One is, supposedly, not a direct extension of the other. For some reason this clicked with me, and now I would from time to time try to visualize Verres as being imposed in the real world, even if there's nothing but the faintest of vague outline where I imagine her to be. I figure it doesn't hurt to play around with this and see how far it would go or if it would develop into anything at all.

 

Miscellaneous Stuff:

I've been invited to Amazon's Vine program where I can get free stuff from them to review for a couple of weeks now. I saw this t-shirt available for free and had the overwhelming urge to get it out of how ridiculous it looked:

Spoiler

Verres was strongly opposed. Apparently it was social suicide. It was going to be the sort of thing where I'd wear it once for kicks, and forever leave it in the closet afterwards. I simply did not have the "power level" to wear it. In the end, she invoked "executive veto override" which I never even knew she had to stop me from getting the shirt. It's been a while since I've seen her so opposed to something I was looking to do, it was pretty amusing. I ended up not getting the t-shirt - it had a tax value associated with it anyway.

 

I should spend more time tweaking my imagined form in the wonderland. The current form has a vaguely Egyptian vibe to it and is one both of my tulpas seem to feel weird around.

 

[bunnymustdie]

Visualization Progress Report for Past Week:

I started playing tic-tac-toe in the wonderland house with my tulpas in the last couple of days. It began as a random thing I did with Saeya. I can visualize the game board reasonably well when it has up to 4 game pieces on it, but past that the visualization gets black and distorted. I realized this was a weakness and started working on it. It feels like the point in the game where I start having trouble visualizing the entire board involves parts of my mind that handles spacial awareness and logical stuff, and I had the impression learning how to visualize the game board with the full number of pieces can help the visualizing part of my mind better work with the logical, almost bossy part harmoniously. After a couple days of work on this, I can mentally feel and map out the position of the game pieces on the board when it's full or almost full, but can't quite visualize it well yet. I'm happy with the progress on this so far. I'll keep on with this practice because for now it's a fun and engaging thing to do with the tulpas.

 

I noticed today that with tic-tac-toe, Verres was not aware of some of the tricks about the game that I learned as a child. She made a beginner's mistake as she experimented with the game and it resulted in a loss for her. She understood that if one were to go first, the spot in the center is the best to pick, but she was not aware of the more advanced rules that I don't bother thinking too much about in real life. Does this imply that she can't easily access more obscure/older memories?

 

I read through parts of Abvieon's guide and got some ideas on future things I can do with the wonderland house. For the time being I experimented with making a door that served as a symbolic passage to the real world, and would visualize Verres opening and going through that door, and try to visualize her in the room with me. I only started doing this today so I'll have wait and observe what this leads to.

 

I've gotten to a point where I'm comfortable in the wonderland house and can interact with and see this environment using mostly my subconscious. Sort of letting my mind or brain provide the scenery, rather than trying to will it with my conscious mind. It's like the environment is already there rather than my mind having to draw or generate it every time I visit. The visual quality is acceptable when it's decent, but I need to work on keeping the visualization up. Because it's a relaxed environment, I find it's easier for me to get distracted or just for the scene to fade to almost black if I'm not as focused. I worked out a partial solution to the distraction issue by consciously discussing with my tulpas with whatever issue that's distracting me, rather than mentally retreating to my own space to tinker over the thoughts. It's led to some pretty fun chats so far, mostly over the fantasy world I'm building in one of my more recurrent daydreams.

 

I got my hands on some colloidal gold for free from Amazon, I'll try it out when see if it makes any difference my work with tulpamancy.

 

Miscellaneous Stuff:

The work I've done for the past few months has had more noticeable benefits on Saeya. She now regularly speak up when I'm not expecting her to or paying attention to her, and this would also come with a much more solid presence and mental visualization of her being there in real life hanging out with me (not imposition, just a visualization in my mind's eye). She's generally matured and became a lot more independent as I regularly spent time with her.

 

The gag leopard print t-shirt I mentioned in last week's entry stayed on Vine for almost an entire week. This is indicative of an item being very undesirable. It seems most other people agree with Verres's view that the shirt was cringey or just not the sort of thing one should normally wear. It's funny how she has developed different ideas on what is socially acceptable and social cues in general compared to me, despite that we theoretically share mostly the same memories.

 

I read in a different forum that a number of users there use their tulpas to help address intrusive thoughts, negative emotions and negative memories. A lot of them just do straight forward symbolic things such as slashing at the thoughts with a sword or punching them. It seems my usage of my tulpas to help with my own intrusive thoughts and memories are not that unusual, although the techniques I used are probably a lot more niche.

 

Speaking of intrusive thoughts, I had a day or two last week when I first started working with my wonderland house where intrusive thoughts/emotions spiked in intensity and frequency. I took care of them again (mostly just having Verres burn them in core image removal, they didn't feel like deep level stuff that necessitated MEM work), but it seems like there's definitely some link to certain types of tulpamancy exercise and intrusive thoughts. This is not the first time I experienced this sort of correlation.

[bunnymustdie]

Visualization Progress Report for Past Week:

I spent most of the past week's visualization time in the wonderland house, either playing tic-tac-toe or just chatting with my tulpas. I noticed that I can easily visualize the game board for tic-tac-toe if the pieces are arranged in a geometric pattern, for example if the white circles and black crosses were each taking up half the space on the board. It's when they're spread apart sort of randomly over the course of normal game play that it becomes very hard to visualize. I've made progress regarding that and can mentally feel out where each of the 9 game pieces should be at the end of a game most of the times, and can see 3 to 5 of them in my mind's eye. If I pan my vision around, I can look at a different part of the game board and can see how the pieces there look, it's just my vision is currently limited to around 3-5 pieces right now - trying to see the entire game board and all 9 pieces is still somewhat difficult for me.

 

I feel like doing this is helping the logical part of my mind better cooperate with whatever part (maybe artistic?) that usually do the visualization. They're sort of working together when I'm playing and visualization the tic-tac-toe game board, instead of the logical part just disrupting the other part. Hopefully this can translate into better visualization skills somehow. It feels like the vividness of both my tulpas and the house have improved a bit the past week, but I am not sure if this is natural progress, a result of the tic-tac-toe games, or even the slightly shady colloidal gold supplement I acquired last week. Incidentally, my ability to focus in meditation have also improved during the past week, perhaps it's related to my tulpamancy work, perhaps not.

 

I did some scanning work today as a change of pace and because I needed a refresher on my visualization of the two tulpas' anatomy. For the past week I would also visualize both of my tulpas opening a door in the wonderland house, going through it to arrive in the real world, and try to visualize them being physically there. Most of these attempts were brief, lasting several minutes long and were not as focused. Today I did this with the room in darker conditions with Saeya in the afternoon and noticed an improvement. I then did tonight's session with Verres with the room almost completely darkened, and for many minutes. It resulted in a strong feeling of her presence being in the room like how some of the more successful sessions of JD's visualization exercise would end for me. It's neat that I've learned how to produce that feeling of presence on my own now, instead of it being a seemingly random byproduct of exercises.

 

I also tried to close my eyes, visualize Verres properly, then open my eyes to try to get an after image of her to stay in the darkened room in the real world. This seems to produce better results than just keeping my eyes open continuously - more of a presence, more of a feeling of... some sort of invisible outline of her being there. Not visual , but just more of a feeling of something there. I'll do more of this exercise the upcoming week and see if it produces further results.

 

Miscellaneous Stuff:

Saeya is more conservative with tic-tac-toe, she seem to do mostly the safe or logical moves based on my own memories and knowledge of the game. The few times she did something different, she made it clear she was just messing around or producing a different outcome for me to visualize. I don't think she ever tried too hard to win, though she has managed when we were both purposefully making dumb moves.

 

Verres made moves that seemed juvenile or flat out dumb, and she made a lot of those. But it seems like she was testing things out and experimenting. There was a game where she was doing things that I thought were utterly foolish and illogical, based on what I know, but then she beat me despite that I was doing my best to win. She was very smug about that. Apparently there are things that I never quite managed to learn about this childish game during my childhood, and she found out about them through her experiments. She made moves that I thought were just random or dumb, when she had her own thoughts and plans all along. She was learning. It was weird realizing that as it was a reminder that she really does have her own mind and feelings, all along.

 

Edited July 24, 2025 by bunnymustdie

[ReallyArtificial]

I really appreciate how diligent you are in documenting your progress with visualization! I'm particularly interested in your use of reference images to refine the images of your tulpas. I've found that remembering what something looks like uses a different mental "muscle" than creating an image in your mind from the ground up. When I call on my memories of times I've seen my tulpas in dreams, or even just think about my drawings of them, it noticeably improves the quality of my visualization.

 

On 7/23/2025 at 9:18 PM, bunnymustdie said:

It was weird realizing that as it was a reminder that she really does have her own mind and feelings, all along.

 

Moments like this are the best! We hope you all keep having a great time together!

[bunnymustdie]

14 hours ago, ReallyArtificial said:

I really appreciate how diligent you are in documenting your progress with visualization! I'm particularly interested in your use of reference images to refine the images of your tulpas. I've found that remembering what something looks like uses a different mental "muscle" than creating an image in your mind from the ground up. When I call on my memories of times I've seen my tulpas in dreams, or even just think about my drawings of them, it noticeably improves the quality of my visualization.

 

Thank you! I did feel there were different parts of my mind or subconscious at work during these visualization exercises, but never clearly defined them the way you did. I'll experiment with this idea further and see where it brings me.

[bunnymustdie]

Visualization Progress Report for Past Week:

I continued hanging around a lot in the wonderland house with the tulpas. When we play tic-tac-toe, I can now see the game board with 7 and up to the full 9 game pieces on it now. It's not crystal clear or anything, but I can manage 9 pieces a lot of times. I'm more familiar with the process of visualizing the game board and probably other more complex stuff now. The logical part of my mind has to know how the object, such as the filled game board, is like - the structure, how it works and such. Once that part knows, it has to back off, chill, and let a different part now take over with the visualization, using what the logical part knows. There's a certain bit of coordination and give & take between these two parts. Perhaps on a related note, I haven't had as much instances of that logical part of my mind disrupting the visualization of my tulpa or something else as before I started this exercise/game, maybe this is a benefit that came from it.

 

I've been spending a good chunk of my evening sessions in my darkened room trying to visualize the tulpas with my eyes open. Instead of having the feeling of their presence filling the room, I now can get the feeling of their presence concentrated in one area, in a roughly human outline.  For example, if I'm visualizing them as sitting on my piano bench across from where I am sitting, then the feeling of that "presence" would be concentrated in the area above the piano chair, roughly in the outline of a humanoid being sitting there. There was also one night when I was with Verres where there was sort of a visual outline in the area of the piano bench where I was attempting to visualize her. It's not clear like a ghostly image or anything, just sort of an area in the air where it was... just barely, but visibly different. Like it wasn't just a feeling of something different there, but it was visual. I haven't been as diligent with the exercise of closing my eyes and opening them again to try to recreate the after image of their imaginary forms in the real world, and I suppose I'll have to work with this more to see if it might help recreate that visual outline phenomenon I mentioned above.

 

Miscellaneous Stuff:

I get a lot of distracting thoughts in general. It doesn't matter if I'm trying to cook, clean, or just driving my car, random distracting fantasies and scenarios coming and going through my mind is a common part of my life. They don't get in the way of me functioning in real life, but does get in the way of stuff that require intense focus such as playing my instrument, meditating, even a lot of my visualization sessions. These mental distractions are not quite the same as the intrusive thoughts that I mentioned in my earlier posts. The intrusive thoughts often have much more foreign and mean vibe to them, and often go straight to reminding me of some past upset, almost as if poking at some invisible mental wound. They also only showed up several years ago, and was recently almost completely eradicated. The mental distractions can overlap with the intrusive thoughts, but often as a response to them - get a mean, foreign intrusive thought reminding me of some past humiliation, and then a distracting power fantasy might start playing as if in response to the intrusive thought.

 

Resisting these distracting thoughts and fantasies tend to be tough. They are stubborn, and can come right back after I pushed them away with will power. On a bad day, playing music with them around is like playing music with a bully nearby who can potentially give me a poke on the shoulder and disrupt me at anytime - even if there's no distractions at a given moment, I can feel whatever or wherever it is that they come from "nearby" in a mental space, and can get a mental distraction at any moment. Using raw will power to overpower them does not seem to work very well.

 

I've spent a lot of time in the past few years working on the intrusive thoughts via the Mace Energy Method and to a lesser degree, the Core Image Removal technique. I have my own theories as to what the hell they are. They're basically a resolved issue now. On the other hand, the distracting thoughts and fantasies have remained, and continued to get in the way of stuff that's important to me such as music playing and even something as basic as meditation. I didn't want to just... silently accept this tendency to have frequent distractions in my mind as if it's normal anymore, despite that I've been this way since early childhood. My music playing is important to me, and I want to get better at meditation as well. I researched and came across an article a few days ago talking about the topic of maladaptive daydreaming, since my tendency to have these distracting daydream fantasies are a lot like a lesser version of it.

 

The article stated the theory that maladaptive daydreaming fantasies come from a dislike of oneself. Because one dislikes or even hates oneself, they want to get away from where and who they are, and hence the fantasies. They may be a very different person in different circumstances in these fantasies, or be entirely absent from these fantasies altogether. I thought about this and realized that the theory is pretty close to how my subconscious attitude toward myself is like.

 

Being busy and lazy, I haven't even had the time to read through the entire article. But I tried to make changes according to the theory it presented. In the past few days when I was playing my guitar, meditating or even doing visualization practice with my tulpas, I would tell myself that I like and accept myself a lot, that I like the me that's doing whatever it is that I was doing, and by extension I also liked doing whatever it was that I was doing at the time. I would try to feel how it's like to be all this, and attempt to hold this feeling as a subconscious directive in the background of my mind as I did whatever it is that I was doing at the time.

 

The result of trying out the above has been amazing. When I hold the belief that I like and accept myself a lot while playing music, I get no distractions whatsoever and I play better - louder, more expressively, with more drama and bravado where it's needed. So long as I can hold the conscious thought that I like myself and especially the me that's playing the music at that moment clearly in my mind, it completely eliminates the distractions as if it somehow disabled whatever psychic or metaphysical mechanism where they came from. There was no more need to push away the distractions or stay on edge against new ones from popping up. They just never show up to begin with, and even that weird feeling of the presence of whatever it is that spawns them is gone.

 

Doing this also has had made noticeable improvements in reducing the amount of distractions I get while meditating and doing my tulpamancy visualization exercises. I don't have to fight off the distractions with my will power anymore, it's more like the root of the distractions is disabled and I can get really nice feelings of peace while mediating, and I can spend a good 45 minute long visualization exercise while only getting a couple of minor distractions.

 

It seems in my case, the root of a lot of my distracting thoughts and fantasies do come from some subconscious urge to be in a different circumstance or be a completely different person out of an unspoken, default dislike toward myself. I looked back through my life and examined the sort of things I tend to fantasize and daydream about through it, and realized that they are strongly linked to how I feel about myself. Times of my life where I disliked myself more had more frequent fantasies, and strong dislike leads to fantasies where I was completely not present, but simply thinking of some seemingly unrelated character. Incidentally, the same fantasies are also what helped spawn my tulpas to begin with.

 

I will continue to work with this technique and see where it leads me, and go back to finish that article on maladaptive daydreaming completely. I think some of my fantasies might also come from boredom, and boredom in a way is also a mental urge where one is dissatisfied with what they are doing and wanting to be in a different circumstance. I can also now see how boredom has some link to self hate in that they both urge one to desire different circumstances. Jerry Marzinsky, a retired psychotherapist who studied the malicious mental voices of his paranoid schizophrenic patients extensively, who also came to the conclusion that said voices are of an outside, metaphysical nature with their own independent existence, have stated that boredom is one of the most dangerous mental states for his patients to be in as it somehow leaves them very vulnerable to the influence of these voices. I can sort of now see why that is, given the link between boredom and self hate that I realized through my recent experience.

 

On a related note, I don't think I could have had such success and improvements simply thinking to myself "I love myself, yay!" if I haven't done so much work with the Mace Energy Method to get rid of the undigested negative emotions and beliefs in my subconscious in the past few years. These are the sort of things that can directly get in the way of one being able to love oneself, and at least in my case were at the root of my intrusive thoughts (along with other things). I think I was able to just consciously get myself to be in a state of self love because these subconscious mental complexes were properly addressed, and the part of my mind that was still disliking myself was sort of running on pure force of habit.

 

I also talked with my tulpas about all this, especially Verres. It's interesting how much they love me, despite being spawned from the very daydreams that resulted from my dislike of my own self. Their help and interactions with me also contributed to me liking myself a lot more. It feels as if something I can't quite put in words have come full circle.

 

 

Edited July 31, 2025 by bunnymustdie

[bunnymustdie]

Visualization Progress Report for Past Week:

Regarding my exercise with playing tic-tac-toe in the wonderland, I can see all 9 pieces on the game board now. At my best, I can see every piece clearly, down to their colors, shapes and respective positions against each other. When I'm not at my best, I can at least feel the exact position of each piece and see a blurry set of outlines as well as black and white blobs where the pieces should be. I'll continue working at this, but it feels like the benefit I can derive from this game is slowly reaching a plateau. It still serves as a fun game I can play with my tulpas, though, so I'll likely keep up with it just for that.

 

I've been trying the exercise where I'd close my eyes to visualize my tulpas, and open my eyes again to try to retain their visualization in the real world in my darkened room. This created a change where I don't just feel the tulpas' presence in the room anymore, be it scattered throughout the room or concentrated in a humanoid sized area, but rather I can manage to sort of see their imagined form for a split second in my mind's eye even while my physical eyes are open. I spent a good hunk of the week playing with this. My observation regarding this phenomenon is that it's not a physical thing I'm seeing with my real eyes, but definitely a visualization in my mind's eye. The visualization would exist for a split second before the part of my mind that's maintaining it hiccups and breaks it up. A second possibility is that a different part of my mind, maybe a part that insists on realism and logic, breaks the visualization up.

 

Either way, though, this is an improvement from simply feeling their presence in the room without having any kind of visualization. At this stage, it's usable to achieve a state where my eyes are mostly open and I'm grounded in physical reality, sitting in my room, with one of my tulpas sitting across from me while we converse. It's not as if they are physically visible, but visible most of the time in my mind's eye while I'm looking at the physical world and blinking frequently to refresh their visualization. I don't know if this is even using or training the right mental muscles for imposition, but it feels more like I'm being with them physically and is a step up compared to the way it was a week or two ago, when they were basically invisible presences in the real world.

 

I noticed that in these quasi-physical visualization attempts, the background of the tulpas' are neither the wonderland house nor the real world. It's usually just a white or off-white blank background, and that appears to be at least partially responsible for triggering whatever mental process that disrupts the visualization. Today I started to experiment with visualizing the tulpas in my mind with my physical environment as their background, and then opening my eyes again while trying to retain that visualization and hence achieving some sort of imposition. So far it seem to make a difference, and I'll know more once I've spent the upcoming week messing with it.

 

Miscellaneous Stuff:

I finished reading the set of articles on maladaptive day dreaming, which discussed their potential origins and ways to deal with them. Some of it was very relevant to my daydreaming habit and aroused a surprising amount of emotions out of me. I spent a couple of days feeling oddly drained and mentally down as I self reflected. Eventually I got annoyed with the mentally drained state and had Saeya perform the Mace Energy Method on me again. It got rid of the "blah" state of mind I was in but did not make further differences in the amount of daydreams and mental wanderings I had - I still had less of them than before, but still had to shift to a state of mind where I consciously like myself when I needed to achieve better focus. Was the weird downed state of mind some sort of dark night of the soul deal? I experienced similar, but stronger feelings of ennui and emptiness when I got rid of a couple of what I believed to be pretty bad sort of metaphysical beings/problems in the past, but the self love thing I've been working on in the last week or so felt more psychological.

 

I have also, incidentally, had pretty strong tingling and pulsing feelings in my solar plexus area and also the area above it in the past week. The solar plexus chakra is supposedly related to self-esteem, personal power and will power, it's interesting to note.

 

I do feel more connected with myself now though. When I was messing with Deepseek in the past week, I unconsciously self inserted into a couple of stories and fantasy scenarios I had it wrote. This is something I never would have done in the past as I'd grow uncomfortable at the idea of using myself this way. I also showed up in my wonderland in my physical real life form a few times, also something I'd be very uncomfortable with in the past. In fact, it still causes discomfort when I do it. There are probably some more issues that this recent work on self-acceptance has uncovered, and I'll dig deeper into them and work on them along with my tulpas as they surface.

Edited August 7, 2025 by bunnymustdie

[bunnymustdie]

Visualization Progress Report for Past Week:

I continued doing visualization in the wonderland house and play tic-tac-toe the past week. I've made some improvements on my ability to see the game board, so I've kept up with this exercise. I have not been taking advantage of the house as much, in terms of walking around in it or touching its contents. I've settled down to a routine where I just hang out with my tulpas in a couple of favored spots in it. Some days I'm lazy and instead of walking up to it from the grassland outside, I just teleport directly inside of it. I should spend more time utilizing my different senses inside this house more.

 

I've been visualizing my tulpas in my room with my eyes closed, then opening my eyes again to try keep their after-image in the room as a sort of imposition. Emphasizing the background of the mental image as being the same as the room appears to help, it does not trigger whatever mental process of my mind that would tend to freak out and end up breaking the image as much. It still gets in the way, but not as much as before.

 

There was one day when I had an unusual experience with this phenomenon. I was looking up something on my computer during a visualization session because me and Verres had a conversation that necessitated the research. I got slightly distracted and was still looking at the computer screen when the session ended. This put me off balance and I was in a hurry to visualize Verres walking across the room to open a door back to the wonderland on the other end (as this has turned into a routine that I do at the end of my sessions). Perhaps because I was previously distracted or in a hurry, some part of my mind was shut down or running on autopilot somehow. I ended up having a visualization of Verres walking across the room with my eyes wide open. Her form was faded and transparent, but she was legitimately present and visual in real life walking!

 

During this time my view of the real world environment was somewhat wonky, like they were also slightly faded and a bit similar to that weird ethereal, half transparent state Verres was in. During this incident I could feel a part of my mind getting excited over this and wanting to immediately focus, stare at Verres and analyze everything, however I was somehow aware that this is the very part that usually breaks my visualizations. I managed to calmly steer my attention away from it, and kept it from becoming further active and disrupting my view of Verres. She walked across the room over the span of a few seconds, opened an imaginary door and slipped through back to the wonderland. Only when it ended did I manage to become fully focused and realized what had happened.

 

I've been trying to replicate the above incident over the past week. I've never gotten back to that state again, however I can reach a state where I don't have to blink nearly as much to refresh the tulpas' images, and still sort of see them in my mind's eye as I keep my eyes open physically. In this state they tend to have a faded and transparent look, like they're barely there, but it is a visualization that I can manage to have with my eyes fully open without having to blink excessively. I noticed that during these states I'm not focusing on the physical world too much, and whatever view I have of it seem to be distant and faded. If I focus too much on the physical world and try to stare at anything in it in particular, then my visualization of the tulpas can get disrupted very quickly.

 

It feels like this is a state where I'm trying to use two different mental muscles for visualizing at once, my physical visual ability and my mind's eye, and activating both causes neither of them to function at 100%. I'm going to spend more time exploring this to see how much I can push it. My one weird experience with Verres walking across the room shows me that this is an ability that I can achieve (even if imperfectly), and a good hunk of what's holding me back is my own mind. When my mind was slightly frazzled and the usual subconscious processes were not fully active, I was able to achieve more.

 

I'll also try to have the tulpas do more stuff in this state. I noticed that when they walked very close to me or made attempts to touch me, I often had tingling or shivering sensations in the part of my body that they touched that strongly resembled energy work sensations. Having them physically move, change positions or even just do JD's visualization exercise in this state also seem to help solidify their presence.

 

Miscellaneous Stuff:

There were a few times when Verres walked in the room when I was in a visualization session with Saeya in the wonderland house. This has not happened before. They interacted a bit more than they typically do, and I got the chance to try to visualize both tulpas at once.

 

I got very happy and involved with an escapist scenario I was writing on an AI service the other day. It instantly gave me a lot more mental distractions the next couple of days. After one day of struggling with the distractions I was able to get back to a state of mental focus again whenever I was doing things that required it. I'm going to continue working with the escapist scenario on the AI service and in other places and see how it turns out. I think I can retain the creativity I get from my excessive daydreaming habit but also have the ability to go back to a state of focus when I need to. Essentially I want to keep the upsides of the daydreaming & mental distractions while not suffering from the downsides, now that I've had the chance to understand their root cause. Will experiment more to see if this is doable for me.