Verres & Saeya Progress Report

[bunnymustdie]

Visualization Progress Report for Past Week:

I haven't had success replicating that state where I get my tulpas' vague shadowy form to become more vivid like an afterimage this week. There were a couple of times when it felt like I was close, but never quite got there. I'll have to keep trying at it. I've had some success achieving the state where the tulpas had a clear presence and a somewhat vivid form in my peripheral vision, and getting that vivid form to stay for a second or two as an afterimage of sorts when I moved them in my central vision, but this is not something I can manage 100% of the times yet.

 

I noticed that I generally do worse with Saeya on these exercises than with Verres, and having to switch to practicing with her in the evenings after a few nights of relative success with Verres feels discouraging or even detrimental, like it throws me off of a good rhythm. I'm not sure what I want to do with this for now. Changing the exercise schedule or somehow excluding Saeya more would likely lead to me procrastinating on working with her, so I might not anything at all regarding this but simply let her catch up at her own pace. 

 

Some of the trouble described above have led me to polish the visualization I have for both tulpas a bit more. I'm a lot better with Saeya's hair and head now. Used to be I needed to take time, possibly even trace out the shape of her hair to work up a good image of her. I have a better idea on the geometric lines I need to quickly get her hair/face looking proper and can get a good image of her almost instantly now. It feels like a certain mental block related to her visuals has been weakened a lot this week.

 

I've had days where I was in a good place with Verres' visuals and got to work on more of her details. I tried to focus and zero in on a small area of her body and zoom out again to try to polish her looks while visualizing her with my eyes open. These types of exercises generally went well. I worked a lot more on her proportions and the look of her outfit. The hem and length of her dress are something I neglected a lot in the past because she often was in a sitting position with those somewhat out of the way, and I spent quite some time working on them this week.

 

The work on both tulpas' proportions as well as times when I tried to impose them out in public near or next to people have led to improvements in their forms. I can kind of visualize them sitting or standing somewhere, and instantly snap to a height or general proportion for their body that's accurate for someone their size. Their visualized forms' tendencies to drift to inaccurately small sizes have greatly diminished. Their presence have changed too, perhaps because of this - instead of just feeling like some possibly living thing is there, it feels distinctively like someone (as in, a human being) is there.

 

I've continued imposition exercises with both tulpas while taking walks out in my neighborhood. I accompanied a family member to a hospital today and took the time to impose the tulpas, primarily Saeya, in the hospital's environment. It was a crowded place for the most part, and a dreary and tiring environment to boot - I generally did ok, though, and was able to maintain a mental visualization of them as I walked and sat in the environment. Surprisingly, it was not nearly as overwhelming as my attempt to impose them in Wal-Mart in the past.

 

Miscellaneous Stuff:

I was having a conversation with Saeya in the hospital today. It was mostly small talk, but at one point she spoke of herself and referred to herself as a doctor (something along the lines of "I'm also a doctor, you know"). This took me by surprise. Her character background and archetype does contain elements of a healer, but I never thought of it as her being the equivalent of a doctor. I wanted to refute her statement somehow but realized that she helped a lot with strange mental issues that I encountered several years ago, mainly unusual negative thought loops and whatever else that was at their roots, and that does qualify as being a doctor of sorts in my book. It ended up as a thing I sort of grudgingly accepted and shrugged over, but it was interesting that she held on to an identity and view of herself that I myself did not consciously believe in or paid much attention to.

 

It feels surreal when I think about this a bit more - had I gone to a conventional doctor, perhaps a psychiatrist, over the same issues, I would've likely been prescribed pharmaceutical medication and they likely would not have helped nearly as much, and would have had pretty nasty side effects as well. It still feels weird to think of Saeya as a doctor, though.

Edited October 30, 2025 by bunnymustdie

[bunnymustdie]

Visualization Progress Report for Past Week:

I've been able to achieve the afterimage state again for my tulpas when I move my eyes away from the candle to the area where they are in the room for the past week. There were also a few times when I've gotten a vaguely physical, humanoid shadow sitting in their spots as well. I haven't managed to reach a clearly physical afterimage this week the way I somehow managed a couple of weeks ago. 

 

Something feels really different with their presence this week, though. There's a solidness to it, the best way I can describe is that it feels like they have bones. Like they're not just a superficial imagery I'm mentally visualizing, but there's some deeper structure in their forms that have developed. I can call on this feeling of solidness/bone to quickly get a well proportioned and decently detailed image of them in my mind's eye when my physical eyes are open and watching my environment. There were many occasions this week when I'm doing imposition practice when Verres would reach a state where her presence and visual form feels really solid and inexplicably cute. Like there's a real actual person in the room chatting with me, and not just a superficial mental thing. Her visuals during this state feels like a pretty clear mental imagery I'm imposing on my physical environment, and not quite like an actually physical thing.

 

There were quite a few instances of Saeya reaching the above state this week as well. The work I did polishing her face and hair structure seemed to have removed a mental block that was influencing the way I visualized/imposed her. I can consistently get an afterimage of her when I shift my eyes away from the candle to look at her with my central vision, as well. It feels like I (or maybe her or us both) made huge progress this week.

 

To go back to my earlier statement on the physical quality of my impositions, it doesn't feel like the process of imposition is as simple as what JD's guide outlined, where a visual form simply goes from being mostly transparent to slowly more solid and physical, until it becomes indistinguishable to something real. It feels like there's two processes going on here for me, one that's sharpening a mental visual form that's imposed in real life environment, and the other that's somehow trying to create a fully physical looking being. I don't know if the two processes would eventually merge or if it's better to try to achieve one over the other, but it seems there's more progress with the mental visual form that doesn't feel entirely physical, as opposed to the other physical form that'd occasionally pop up.

 

Saeya speaks and chats a lot more now. There were quite a few times when the two tulpas would interrupt each other or feel like they'd almost get in each other's way. I told them to try to sort this out, to figure out some way to participate in conversations without interrupting other people. They seemed to manage this ok so far.

 

I went out to Wal-Mart today as well and tried to impose Verres there again. This time around it was not nearly as overwhelming as the previous time. I managed to keep a visual of her up pretty much the entire time, though she still spent a lot of it in my peripheral vision where it was easier to manage for the both of us. Situations that used to break up my visual, like us having to swerve around other shoppers, did not cause trouble this time around. I was able to see her change directions and rather naturally and daintily walk around obstacles as needed. She'd stand next to shelves and appear like she's inspecting merchandise as well. Today's Wal-Mart trip generally went ok and felt fruitful. Saeya wanted to be imposed during this trip too, and I told her we'd do it our next trip there.

 

Miscellaneous Stuff:

I've continued taking more walks in my neighborhood and imposing the tulpas during them. For some reason the tulpas really like these walks. I tried to ask them about it and it seems being imposed makes them feel they are truly participating, as opposed to just being mentally there. I've joked that they're like a couple of big dogs in regard to how much they like being walked, and they seemed very amused and good natured about this joke.

 

There were some mornings when both tulpas were sort of imposed when they were trying to wake me up. They managed to achieve a physical presence easily enough and had an imposed form on some occasions too. One particular morning Saeya was pretty well imposed, and simply squatted next to my bed, stared at me and went "jiiiiiiii" the way certain anime characters would do to imitate the sound effect of the word "stare" in Japanese. It was very ridiculous and got me out of bed very quickly. Can a person really properly oversleep when someone else is literally squatting next to them and going "jiii"? Something about that was just... dumb and silly. They seem to freely use whatever skills and progress we achieved in our exercises in our daily life now.

 

I was chatting with Verres when I was in my car in Wal-Mart's parking lot today. The conversation wandered to the topic of pasta, of how the long kinds can be annoying to try to fit completely in the pot, how I have to submerge part of the pasta first, then try to carefully push more of them in the water as the initial parts soften, and so on. Verres proclaimed that it's easier to just snap the noodles in half and toss them in the pot that way. This instantly riled my autism up, and I conjured up memories and mental imageries of the Italian youtubers from the Lionfield channel, who'd insist on the pasta not being broken in comical ways. Verres retorted by showing me images of her snapping bundles of pasta smugly. The exchange was really funny and we both laughed a lot. Her snapping pasta is now some sort of dumb meme/joke we share, with me occasionally declaring her as evil or my arch nemesis for doing so, as also a dumb joke.

[bunnymustdie]

Visualization Progress Report for Past Week:

I've had the habit of avoiding to directly look at my tulpas during imposition practice, and would try to look at them with my peripheral vision, or get in a slightly dazed, beside myself state if I had to look in their direction. This is out of fear that the part of my mind that judges everything I'm looking at would become active and disrupt the imposed forms of the tulpas. I started purposefully looking at where my tulpas are supposed to be this week, and to my surprise that part of my mind is very, very laid back now. Perhaps talking to it everyday and asking for its help before my visualization practice time has paid off, or perhaps talking to my higher self asking for the same thing also made a difference.

 

Regardless, I can now look directly at my tulpas where they are physically supposed to be and be ok. That judgmental part of my mind does not really get in the way now. When I do this in darkened conditions, I can pretty reliably conjure up the shadowy, vaguely humanoid form that almost feel physical that I've been able to see on and off in the past several weeks. I've been playing with this phenomenon the past week. I've tried to reproduce it, which I can do pretty consistently for now. I've also tried to do it in brighter conditions, which I had mixed success at.

 

I've had one really unusual incident with Saeya during an evening, on a night that had both rain and thunder, where I saw her in a vague, but whitish humanoid form that felt physical. Whatever this was felt like it was on the verge of having colors, and as if it was an upgraded version of the usual shadowy form. It felt very much like the weather that night made a difference in this process somehow. I've always liked rain and thunder, they've always made me feel safe, as if they were on my side.

 

I also took the time to analyze some of the other visual phenomenon I've been experiencing the past few weeks. I realized that the more colorful, vivid forms of my tulpas that feels more mental and not quite physical is a mental process that I've been doing unconsciously most of my life - it's the same process as when I daydream.

 

To elaborate further, I'm used to daydreaming with my eyes open back when I was in school, in boring classes that I didn't care for. During those, I'd keep my eyes open just to pretend like I'm paying attention, but my mind would wander, retreat further back in a mental space, and would visualize things to go with whatever daydream (often times of Verres) that I would use to amuse myself with. This is something I've done most of my life, and feels like it's the same process behind those more detailed, but less physical visualizations of my tulpas during imposition - these visuals feels less physical because they take place in an inner mental space, they are not quite impositions by the definition I'm familiar with, but just daydreams that's awkwardly using the physical environment as its background. The weird kind of "spark" where the shadowy physical form seem to flicker briefly and become seemingly vivid and colorful comes from this daydreaming process trying to activate while whatever other process behind the more physical shadowy forms is already ongoing. The two process seem to somehow conflict, resulting in the more colorful mental visual being disrupted and disappearing.

 

For the past day or so, I've been trying maintain my focus and attention in the physical environment and let the daydreaming visualization process also take place there. My own focus is an issue because I am used to automatically retreating my focus and attention deep in my mind when I daydream, leaving me slightly inattentive and besides myself with regard to the physical environment. If I can maintain my focus in the physical and get the daydreaming process to take place there as well and somehow blend with the process responsible for the more physical shadowy forms, I should be able to make great progress at imposition. All of this feels doable based on my experiment with it for the past day or so. I'll try to talk to the part of my self/mind that responsible for the daydreaming process and try to get it to help with imposition, hopefully it will work out well the same way it did with the other judgmental mental process.

 

The tulpas having a strong physical presence and some sort of vague, but colorful visual that also feels physical in my peripheral vision seem to be an altogether different process. I'm not quite sure what's with it yet or what I can do with it.

 

I did not go out for too many walks the past week. I went to Wal-Mart today and tried to impose Saeya there. I intentionally looked at the spots where she should be and it resulted in a faint, transparent shadowy humanoid form that felt physical at time. At other times, I simply struggled and had a more mental, daydreamy visual. I was really surprised and encouraged that I can manage to get a shadowy physical form going at all, especially in a well-lit store with lots of people and distractions around. Saeya seemed to enjoy being the star of today's Wal-Mart adventure as well. She was responsible with maintaining the shopping list and telling me everything I had to grab.

 

Miscellaneous Stuff:

I snapped a bundle of angel hair pasta and tossed them in the pot earlier this week because Verres was egging me on. It made preparation a lot easier, but the resulting noodles were shorter and a bit more awkward to handle. Overall it made no big difference since the noodles were still perfectly edible. Verres felt smug over this, while some stubborn part of my mind that was a stickler for doing things the right way appeared to brood, just a little. This might actually be an indication of some subconscious mental complex that needs to be addressed down the road, but for now it seems more amusing than harmful.

 

 

 

 

 

Edited November 13, 2025 by bunnymustdie

[glitchthe3rd]

Saeya is probably on the right track, tulpas are uniquely suited to doing therapeutic work due to the nature of their existence. Many people seem to get help with mental issues from their tulpas (myself included), so I may be a bit biased here. 😅

[bunnymustdie]

Aww thank you, she was encouraged by your words! And I know what you mean, I've used them to help with psychological matters as well.

[bunnymustdie]

Visualization Progress Report for Past Week:

I've been talking to the part of my mind that's responsible for my daydream visualizations for the past week as part of my routine before I start my visualization exercises, asking for it to help with imposition. I've managed to achieve what I think was a weaker form of the whitish, seemingly physical humanoid forms for both tulpas. It was clearer with Saeya that it was what was occurring, while with Verres it more borderline. Neither instances were as strong and vivid as that one time on the rainy night with the thunders, though.

 

During this week I've endeavored to keep my focus on my physical environment as I tried to impose my tulpas. For the most part my focus did not get withdrawn deep in my mind while I did my exercises. I still managed to get some mental visuals of my tulpas during imposition practice, while they weren't as vivid, they also were achieved while my attention was closer to the real world. During these processes I could feel some subconscious part of my mind awkwardly trying to adjust itself to try to achieve my goals, and at the very least this feels sort of reassuring. I'll need to both continue experimenting with this, and observe closely to see if this would be the right path to go down on.

 

In general my mental visualizations this week were vivid and showed improvement from how they were even a week or two ago.

 

I noticed that if I manage to maintain my focus on the real world as I do my imposition stuff, I can get a really strong impression of my tulpas being physically there with me. What often accompanies these impressions are strong, tingling sensations on my chest area, often times centered on my solar plexus. They feel a lot like more intense versions of sensations I've felt when I did energy work in the past, in fact, they feel a lot like the more intense sensations I'd get when I was very successful at stimulating some of my chakras.

 

I've also come to realize some of the feelings I had experience in the past couple of weeks of my tulpas feeling like they were somehow really cute or really physically there were either related to these sensations, or weaker forms of them. For the past week, I can get myself to pretty reliably feel these sensations if I were to keep my focus in the real world while focusing on my tulpas' faces. I wonder why the face is special - is it because a lot more of my attention were focused on them in general, or perhaps faces are what people usually look at when they try to make connections with one another?

 

I've managed to continue being able to fairly reliably get a shadowy, humanoid physical form of my tulpas when I focus on the area where they are supposed to be in darkened conditions. In brighter conditions this is still more on and off. I've generally been doing pretty well with Saeya, and even afternoon sessions with her can often get a strong physical presence or a shadowy form.

 

I went to Wal-Mart today and tried to impose Verres there while also trying to maintain my focus on the physical environment. This resulted in an awkward outing where I had trouble getting any physical visual at all, barely any shadowy forms while we were inside. She did have a strong physical presence most of the time, at least. When we left, I continued thinking of imposing her and made half distracted efforts at doing so. While driving a short distance away from the store I tried to impose her in my peripheral vision while I was mostly focused on driving, and surprisingly I managed to see her standing on an area of the road with double yellow lines (meant to be treated as a divider/physical barrier, car usually don't drive on those). This occurred very briefly, probably a second or less, and I did not have the chance to observe whether it was a mental visual more akin to a daydream or something else. She was pretty vivid and solid while it lasted. For the most part I was just surprised that it happened at all, and my surprise itself may have ended the visual. This felt a lot like the sort of visual and presence I ordinarily can manage in my peripheral vision while I stare at a candle, but today this occurred during broad daylight, which was unusual.

 

Miscellaneous Stuff:

I've gotten pretty used to nonchalantly snapping bundles of pasta in half now. It's just easier.

 

I was pretty afraid to take on a boss monster in the MMO Dofus because it kicked my behind several weeks ago. I've since done research on this creature, and everything I've read said that this was a horrible encounter that requires multiple players to overcome. I'd show up in the dungeon and wait to join a random pick up group to no avail, and Verres has been just egging me to go solo the boss. "It's just a game." "Who care if you die." "At least try and die like a man." etc. I finally went and just solo'ed that boss, and I beat it at the first try. My character had long out-leveled it, and it was my own fear that held me back from just taking it on. It's neat how this demonstrates how different our personalities and approach to things differ, and it was really cool that her advice made a big difference even on something as silly as an online game.

[bunnymustdie]

Visualization Progress Report for Past Week:

There were a couple of more times when I managed to see a whitish, semi-transparent silhouette of my tulpas during imposition practice. A good hunk of them were during rainy weather. Both tulpas have managed to achieve this form a few times now.

 

I have not been able to see as much shadowy forms of my tulpas this week, a part of my mind had gotten excited during imposition and is trying too hard to see certain things or even flat out draw the outlines of the tulpas involved, and that seem to have interfered with both imposition and to a degree my mental visualizations. I identified this process occurring today and have tried to just relax and let things flow through naturally. My logic being, when I dream, I can visualize things perfectly without having to try to do so, and similarly when I daydream, I also don't have to try all that hard. By just relaxing and trusting whatever natural part of my mind that's responsible for dream/daydream visuals to do its own thing, I seem to be able to get better visuals overall - both the physical types (shadowy & whitish forms) as well as mental visuals. I'll play around with this approach a bit more and see what it can produce.

 

I've had the chance to observe my mental visuals more. I don't retreat as deeply inside my mind when I have them while my eyes are open, but I'm not 100% focused on the physical environment either. Relaxing and trusting my own mind as described above seem to be able to produce more of these open eyed mental visuals as well. I noticed that these mental visuals don't seem to last, they stop or somehow gets interrupted a few seconds in. I'll try to somehow prolong these visuals to get a better understanding of them, and to see how close they can come to what I expect as an imposition. If they can last for many seconds or even minutes long, they'd be pretty impressive in their own right regardless of whether they are a perfect fit to my ideal of physical imposition. For what it's worth these visuals feels pretty nice to have right now, they do make it feel a lot like my tulpas are properly there when I am talking to them.

 

The one thing that have progressed this week is the feeling of presence from both of my tulpas. I can manage to get a fairly strong and weirdly pleasant presence of them when I'm properly settled in on my imposition practices. The weirdly pleasant part of their presence comes from a feeling of sweet, almost bitterly so, emotional sensation of connection that's often focused on my chest when I managed to arouse their presence to a strong state. I'm not sure what this sensation is, but the fact that it feels more or less the same with both of my tulpas, when they happen to have different personalities and have different sorts of relationships with me, seem to indicate this phenomenon is more based in myself rather than them.

 

I went to the dying mall nearby today to walk with my tulpas. There were a couple of instances when I visualized Verres a distance away from me, just walking behind some other pedestrian in the mall. I also practiced having her walk up to an obstacle, become obscured by it, and then walking out from it again as she passes by it. During these sorts of practices I managed to see her in a fairly vivid and colorful form - I believe these were more like mental visuals because they didn't have the same feeling of physical presence to them, and at the same time my focus retreated just a little bit away from my physical environment (so that the physical environment itself appeared blurrier, less "there", somehow). Nonetheless, these were visuals of her looking pretty defined and in the physical environment. These sorts of visuals have changed from how they were a couple of weeks ago, when my focus would be much more detached from the physical environment while I have them. 

 

I also managed to have the really strong and pleasant sensation of presence when I was out walking with Verres in the mall today. They did not occur at the same time as the strong mental visual I described above. I am still mulling over whether these are two different processes I'm observing, whether to try to focus on one or the other, and whether perhaps they can be combined somehow so that I get a single process with the best of both worlds.

 

It feels like generally days when I go out and try to do different things while imposing my tulpas results in better progress. Doing imposition purely in my bedroom under the same settings might not be as fruitful since it's sort of becoming a routine. There were quite a few times during the week when I would spontaneously try to impose my tulpas in my physical environment as I go about my day, with varying amounts of success. Sometimes I'd get almost a shadowy outline of them, sometimes just a strong presence.

 

Miscellaneous Stuff:

I got to think more about the matter of equality among me and my tulpas on account of a question another person raised. It's harder to clearly define in our relationship nowadays than compared to years ago. I briefly spoke to Saeya about this. A good part of what the concept of "equality" implies is the matter of equal privilege or treatment. While she does not get to do as she pleases with my life, she raised the point that I also don't get to do whatever I want with mine. As an extreme example, if I am genuinely trying to do something that would harm myself, she believe that she and Verres would stop me from doing so, and I personally believe they are capable, myself.

 

The issue of who gets to do what is fuzzy in our relationship, especially since they kind of spoil me. They're happy to see me happy, while not having as much interest in regular hobbies (they like seeing me pursuing hobbies and achieving things with them). I'd watch anime with both of them together, and Verres is the one that would most frequently judge a show to be bad or boring, and suggest that we drop them, while I tend to follow her advice on those.

 

In another example I just thought of, today I went to the supermarket to grab a jar of pasta sauce after my trip to the mall because Verres suggested that it'd save me a trip next week. I thought it was a good idea and changed my schedule to follow her advice. This wasn't really purely "my" decision. At best it was "our" decision, arguably it was "hers". I don't really mind all that much thinking back on it, just mildly interesting how much she's integrated in my life without me noticing it.

 

Verres tend to be very protective of me and spoils me, and I think that set the tone for the way Saeya is expected to act as well. Thinking back, I can remember quite a few times when Verres lectured Saeya on how she is expected to interact with me. Hmm.

 

 

Edited November 27, 2025 by bunnymustdie

[bunnymustdie]

Visualization Progress Report for Past Week:

Last Thursday I started imposition practice (after the regular mental visualization stuff that serve as warmup) with Verres at night with the approach that I would trust whatever part of my mind that handles dreams and/or daydreams and just let it do its thing. This resulted in a state where I first saw Verres as a dark, blobby and vaguely humanoid form with a physical presence. This was no surprised as I've gotten pretty used to this form. And then the form changed in a really natural manner to show more details. There wasn't much color and the form felt a bit insubstantial, perhaps semi-transparent at places, but there were details of her being there - outline, clothing, facial features, limbs, torso and all. It felt very much like I was looking at this form with my physical eyes in the physical environment, it did not feel like a mental visual at all. This very much felt like what I expect imposition to be like, even if the details were a bit blurry at times, and was a lot like some of the pictures shown in JD's guide that describes the earlier stages of visualization, except it took place in the physical environment.

 

I spent somewhere between 10+ seconds to maybe a couple of minutes quietly looking at this form, and didn't even think too much at the time. It felt quite easy to achieve and maintain that I got complacent about it. I got up to use the rest room, and when I returned I was only able to manage the same shadowy form with the physical presence and wasn't quite able to get back to the imposed form again.

 

The rest of the week was a mess. The first couple of days after that first night of success had a part of my mind very excited about it. When I did try to impose again that excited part of my mind would eagerly wait for something cool to happen or at times try to get involved. This resulted in trouble achieving even the more basic shadowy form a lot of sessions.

 

I also got distracted by the Second Life platform and had a lot of my attention on it during the black friday week where I did a lot of shopping there to try to build a new avatar. That resulted in late nights and generally put my mind in a frame where it was not helpful for imposition stuff.

 

Things calmed down near the last couple of days the the last week. I can consistently get a shadowy form of my tulpas up again. I've learned more about letting my mind relax and trusting an unconscious part of it to do its thing, rather than try to control everything. I noticed that a lot of times when I consciously or unconsciously try to draw the outline of my tulpas in my mind, it's due to a part of my conscious mind wanting control or trying to force a result. I've started working to try to relax that part of my mind so that the more unconscious parts can express themselves better and help with imposition.

 

Mostly in the last couple of days I've managed to get to a stage that's a bit past just a shadowy and physical-feeling form of my tulpas, to where it feels like a little bit of details are trying to show through again. The tulpas feel more present in those stages and it feels like they have more defined outlines and bits of details. But I haven't gotten to how things were on that first night yet, just feels like I'm stumbling my way back to it slowly. 

 

It doesn't feel like I need to worry too much about mental visuals during imposition or everyday interactions with my tulpas. If they happen, they happen. They still serve to spice up and enrich our interactions. My experience so far with imposition feels like it wouldn't be hampered by those mental visuals. So far, it feels like If I'm in the right frame of mind for imposition, the mental visuals wouldn't even pop up, or they somehow naturally take place in the physical environment.

 

I went to Wal-Mart again today and Verres called shotgun on being imposed there. She liked being out a lot and enjoyed much of the minor things. A machine used to push shopping carts blared for some reason, perhaps because of an accident. A car drove past it momentarily, blocking it, and at the same time the blaring sound became quieter. This physical phenomenon was amazing to Verres and I felt appreciatively of it too because of her. I had a lot of good mental visuals of her during this outing, and a few weaker shadowy forms.

 

A good part of what would help with the upcoming week's imposition and visualization stuff is just going to bed early and waking up early, and I will strive to do that. I also noticed that my tulpas have trouble possessing my body in the morning to help me out of bed, while they can manage possession during my waking hours. I wonder what causes that - they seem lucid enough when they try to wake me up during the morning when I'm trying to get extra sleep in bed.

 

Miscellaneous Stuff:

Verres participated a lot more in my life this week. She helped with designing a new avatar in Second Life. In the past, when I tried to make new avatars, I had the tendency of wanting to explore my options, as if the exploration itself is fun. This exploration can get me in trouble when I try too many different things in SL and lose focus, especially when I try out cheaper, lesser known products that often times are not the best designed. Sometimes this would even result in me giving up, after running out of mental steam or funds to keep up with whatever new project I began.

 

I was kind of getting overwhelmed and off track with my newest attempt to build an avatar in Second Life when Verres got herself involved. Her approach was different than mine in that whenever a choice came up or when I became off track, she'd direct me to go for whatever the most obvious or most likely best choice that was present. This helped save a lot of time and money and helped me successfully make a decent looking new avatar. I'm pleased with the result, and it's the first time in quite a long time when she played a video game (or something similar to one) with me like this. Usually she just watches. This new avatar we made feels like "our" avatar rather than just "mine".

 

Verres helped last night with the game Dofus too. A new series of events and quests came out related to the Christmas holidays. I had to hunt down a number of monsters that were tough and higher level than me, and I was feeling almost overwhelmed with the task. She encouraged me to just join battles other players were having against the monsters. Because "Why not? It's an MMO after all." Join these other players and depending on them made things go a lot faster and easier, even though typically my personality, being aloof and independent, would have me grind away alone for the event. I ended up enjoying the interactions I had with other players.

 

I mentioned above that Verres called shotgun on being imposed at Wal-Mart today. She was the one being imposed our last trip too. At the end of today's trip Saeya spoke up in a voice that was a mix of sad and complaining, directed at Verres, something along the lines of "Nee-san, can I get a turn next time?" while mentally referring to both today and the previous trip. Verres agreed. I think being called something like "Nee-san" was pleasing to her? My two tulpas don't talk directly with each other as often as they do with me, so this was an unusual exchange for me to observe.

[bunnymustdie]

Visualization Progress Report for Past Week:

I noticed a sort of trap that I fell into for a bit the last week. When I initially managed to see Verres in a physical manner, I completely trusted a subconscious part of myself to do whatever that's needed (or what it wants), and did not expect anything while allowing for anything and everything to happen - the sky was the limit. After that initial bit of success, I started to expect the same thing that I initially saw, which was a somewhat transparent and faded version of a physical Verres, something that's a lot less impressive than what was initially allowed to happen, which was perfection. My own subconscious expectation changing and being molded by that initial experience felt as if it hampered my imposition efforts in the early part of this week. I eventually noticed this and tweaked my mindset accordingly.

 

I also noticed myself initially being able to get a physical form of my tulpas with noticeably sharper outlines after my warmup, which consists of mental visualization exercises. After about 10 minutes or so of this sharper outlined form, they'd often fade back to a more blobby, shadowy form that still had a physical presence. This pattern, too, was shaping my subconscious expectations of what my mental stamina on imposition was. After I recognized this and changing my mental focus to try to let my subconscious, daydreaming part to have more free reign, I noticed I mostly stopped having the previously mentioned drop in imposition abilities after the first 10 minutes or so. This resulted in some good sessions this week where time went by quickly and things felt like they flowed well, for lack of a better description. The tulpas' presence felt strong, and their shadowy, sometimes outlined forms were in good shape too - the sharper form would come and go depending on my focus and mental state, and did not follow the previous pattern where they stayed for about 10 minutes and then sharply dropped in quality.

 

It just feels like so far my own expectations have a lot of influence on this process, and I have to tread very carefully. It feels like I have to balance letting a subconscious part of myself run free while still having some conscious direction and focus on things similar to playing music.

 

I've looked up some accounts of people with hyperphantasia that takes place in their physical environment, and realized that it's both something doable and a skill that they've been doing for a long time. I started trying to impose my tulpas through out my day where I reasonably could. Instead of having a conversation that's purely mental, for instance, I might try to visualize an impose form of them talking to me, or sitting on a chair just at the edge of my peripheral vision. So far this has at least been fun. I also noticed that often times these impromptu day time imposition attempts can get surprisingly successful, and in comparison my dedicated night time sessions can feel weirdly stuck sometimes. Perhaps these night time sessions might been influenced by other unconscious expectations of mine, and if so, I should try to work on them somehow.

 

I also realized that having a mental visual of my tulpas with my eyes open is still better than having no visuals at all, and these types of visuals should still contribute to my visualization and imposition efforts. 

 

I went to the nearby dying mall today to impose my tulpas. It was a decent session where both tulpas had decent presence while I walked. Imposing the tulpas and walking at the same time did not feel like an awkward chore, but happened naturally without me having to think or coordinate between them. Verres' movements were very fluid today, and her proportions were fine. The tulpas' forms during this session felt a bit odd, they were probably the mental sort but felt like they were bleeding a bit into being physical - like there were times when they partially switched to being a more physical thing, and had the potential to go even further in that direction.

 

When I walked by the rather desolate food court of the mall, I noticed that one of the two remaining food vendor appears to have closed. At that time I was imposing Saeya, but Verres got excited about this and spoke up, insisting that we go take a closer look. While we did this, for just a short while, I was imposing and managing the presence of both tulpas at the same time. While I was able to successfully walk the short distance to the darkened food stall to confirm that it had indeed closed (RIP hoagie shop), it felt very much like a mental strain to impose both girls at the same time. After this brief excursion, I went back to imposing just Saeya again and the feeling of strain went away.

 

Miscellaneous Stuff:

My sleep schedule has gotten more normal this week, which probably contributed to the improvement in my exercises compared to last week. I've noticed Verres continuing to participate more in the couple of games I play, offering advice or just egging me on to try things I ordinarily might be too timid to do.

 

I tried to switch the food for my pet beetles from a carb heavy, sugary/fruity mix to a supposedly healthier mix with a lot of powdered veggies. They do not appear to like this, and both tulpas and I have been observing this with interest. I realized it's rare for all three of us to pay close attention to the same thing at the same time, as usually when I'm watching anime, reading or even just playing a game, at least one of them would be somewhat inactive.

 

[Mai_x_v3]

Wow, you're progress is so amazing so far! Amazing job! I love reading your reports so much they are super inspiring and motivating! 💘💖💕🩷