Verres & Saeya Progress Report

[bunnymustdie]

Visualization Progress Report for Past Week:

I felt like I was getting sloppier in terms of how vivid and stable my visualizations were, and this transferred over to my imposition attempts as well. I also noticed that regarding imposition, I'd get in a frame of mind where my eyes were open and kind of staring at my surrounding, but mentally I ended up retreating to a more distant space, and whatever visual images I had of my tulpas were in that space instead of the physical environment. I've gone back to doing JD's visualization exercise as a result, spending roughly half my visualization sessions doing it and half practicing imposition.

 

Going back to JD's exercise has been helpful, overall. I find my visuals are more stable and vivid again. I also analyzed why the exercise got annoying for me, and tried to address these issues. Part of why it was annoying was because I tended to do it in my bed laying down and tried to keep really still, where bits of back aches would eventually creep in. I've switched to doing it in a seated position in my computer chair, and would freely adjust my position as needed to prevent bodily aches from acting up. I also stopped looking at it as a chore with a definite goal (of reaching the 100th count) and just do the best I can with it in the time frame I allotted for it. Treating it as a chore got a subconscious part of myself worried over progress and timing and was a big part of why it got annoying for me earlier on.

 

It feels like the benefits from JD's visualization exercise transfers over to imposition for me. The tulpas are a little bit clearer in the real world now. I've also worked on my tendency to mentally drift away from the physical world even with my eyes open by looking intentionally at my physical surroundings and making sure to be focused on the real world. At the best I can visualize the tulpas as very, very darkened and transparent, but against the physical environment as their background and definitely present somehow in the real world. This state does not last long. At the worst they're just sort of... not quite invisible, but more of a feeling of what they're supposed to look like in a outline that's roughly their shape, along with an imagery that's definitely located in a mental space rather than imposed in the physical world. The previous sentence came out rather confusing. A better way to describe this state is that it's a lot like how when I fail to properly visualize the full game board of a tic-tac-toe game, I still have a mental feeling of where all the pieces and their respective colors are supposed to be.

 

I noticed that there are some items that I can impose physically in the world much better. One example is a wooden ruler that I've owned for years. It has a simple geometric shape and mostly uniform color throughout. My visualization of it in the real world is noticeably better than most other things, including the tulpas. Curiously, when I try to impose the tulpas along with this ruler by visualizing them holding it, fidgeting or playing with it, it seems to improve the visualization of the tulpas as well. There seems to be other things I can do with this ruler that help with the process of imposition - recalling the memory of the way the ruler feels when I hold it or the sensations associated with slapping it idly against my hand (sound, tactile feelings, etc) all seem to improve the vividness of the ruler itself and the tulpa that's holding it.

 

For the next week I'll continue to do JD's visualization exercise, and I will also experiment more with having the tulpas hold and do different things with different items.

 

As a side note, I've had some trouble visualizing my tulpas turning around again since going back to JD's exercise. I've dug into this issue and realized most of the problem is caused by a part of my conscious mind wanting to animate the entire sequence of this type of movement. If I relax and let my subconscious handle it, it gets done just fine. One notable example of this is when I tried to visualize Verres turning around one morning when I just woke up and was very sleepy, and I managed to do the visualization perfectly since it was just whatever natural process of my mind handling the visualization without that conscious, bossy part getting involved.

 

Miscellaneous Stuff:

I haven't gone back to work on the exact scenario in AI that got my mind super excited last week, but I have done a lot of other ones that were also pretty escapist and engaging. I can do a great job of getting my mind to be focused on the present when it was excited with something else while playing guitar. I seem to have the control with this particular activity, probably because it's something I've spent a lot of time doing and polishing my skills on. There's a bit more effort required to regain focus when it comes to meditation and tulpa related visualization, but it's doable still.

Edited August 21, 2025 by bunnymustdie

[bunnymustdie]

Visualization Progress Report for Past Week:

I noticed that when I keep my room dark enough in the evenings for me to see visual snow, I can work with that state to sort of see an outline of my tulpas. This kind of outline feels more real and physically present so I've spent some time playing around with it. I can still manage a faint, semi-transparent view of my tulpas in the real world as well, but these feels distinctly like they are created by or somehow in my mind's eye, just imposed in the real world. I'm not sure which of these would lead to the sort of real world imposition that I want to achieve with my tulpas, but I guess I'll play with both and see what happens. Perhaps I can blend them together somehow down the road.

 

It feels like overall progress with imposition stuff is progressing pretty slowly. I suspect it might be reaching a plateau and I'd need to do something different or work on something internally/mentally to help it advance further. Both Verres and Saeya, however, feels like there has been steady progress and all I need to do is to continue with the current plan. 

 

I was feeling off the last couple of days due to real life business related to my family. Today, when I was kneeling down to do something, Verres... showed up. She simply was trying to talk to me regarding how I was feeling, which was typical behavior for her. But she unexpectedly showed up imposed in the real world in a similar kneeling position and was face to face with me for a second or two as she spoke to me mentally. She was in the very transparent state that feels like a mental imagery somehow overlaid in the real world as I described above. This turned out as a neat surprised when I realized what has happened when it was all over. It also gave me the impression that whatever I've been doing and whatever bits of progress I've made are useful - they've carried over to my tulpas and are starting to change the way we interact.

 

As an added note for my own record, when Verres showed up imposed, it was during the day, but with blinds fully covering up the windows, and no or minimal lights turned on in the room. It was about as dark as can be despite it being day time.

 

Miscellaneous Stuff:

As mentioned I've been feeling off for a couple of days at least. I didn't pay much attention to it to begin with and was just miserably putting up with it on my own. Both my tulpas seemed to have noticed it way earlier than me. They've frequently alluded to it out of concern, and Verres especially have asked quite repeatedly whether there was something she can do for me. Today I finally realized something was really wrong and asked Saeya to do a session of Mace Energy Method on me, and that completely removed the weird miasma that was hanging over me. It was quite unusual in that at the worst point (which was today), it felt almost as if there was something dirty physically hanging over me, and when we finished the MEM session, it was like that dirty/miserable feeling, whatever it might've been, was just gone.

 

I don't remember as to whether either of my tulpas flat out told me something was wrong the past couple of days, but they certainly noticed that something was off way earlier than I did, which was interesting and helpful. As a precaution I've asked them to let me know more clearly in the future whenever my default state of mind goes from happy/neutral to consistently miserable, as that's something that should be addressed and nipped in the bud, not to be put up with. I suspect my tendency to mess more with escapist fantasies and inability to focus on some days this past week may be related to the odd mood I was in. I'll observe my mind in the next few days now that the weird mood has been addressed, to see if it makes a difference.

 

I snagged a 1 kilogram bag of tempura bits off of Amazon Vine. I don't know what I will do with it.

Edited August 28, 2025 by bunnymustdie

[bunnymustdie]

Visualization Progress Report for Past Week:

I noticed that the visualization I get of my tulpas when I attempt to impose them in my surroundings is different from the purely mental visualization I get with my eyes fully closed. Perhaps it's due to the fact that my mind does not need to do the work to generate the visual surroundings when I impose, but in some ways imposing can lead to better visual outcomes for some stuff. For example, I can visualize both tulpas in a turning around animation almost perfectly while imposing, but in regular mental visualization I struggle more with this movement. I've been using this phenomenon to improve my ability to visualize them turning, their appearance at different angles as well as the funny body postures (especially feet positions) that they go through while turning around. They generally move better during imposition and have more accurate proportions.

 

Imposing also seems to point out flaws and incomplete matters in my mental visualization. I've been working on them as I discover them. For the past week, I've worked on Verres' wings a lot more - their structure, their appearance at different angles, as well as how a winged person would deal with sitting on a sofa vs a chair with no back support, i.e, would sofas be annoying for a winged person? All of this also led to more thoughts over the size of her wings. Wings that are sufficiently sized for what I consider to be good looking for flight are way too big for everyday life. As a compromise, I now visualize Verres with more convenient smaller wings when she is not in a flying animation. Why do the wings change size? Perhaps magic. I simply handwaved the issue aside. I've seen the same thing done for characters back in the very old and badly made Disgaea anime from long ago, and that's good enough for me.

 

I've worked a lot more on Saeya's face and hairstyle this week as well, as their incompleteness really shows through when attempting to impose her.

 

Overall I also worked a lot more on the proportions of both tulpas in relation to their environment. I've taken a ruler and tried to figure out how tall the tulpas would look when standing next to a floor lamp given the height I set for them, or how high their heads would reach when they're sitting on my piano chair. Doing this made me realize that I tended to visualize them as smaller than they ought to be in both my mental visualizations and imposition attempts. I'm now making an effort to visualize them at more proper sizes, and generally they feel bigger and more impactful during imposition. During mental visuals, I still sometimes drift to visualizing them as a bit too small as if I am standing far away from them, but there's still been improvements there as well. I also made attempts to measure Verres' wings with the ruler, and might do more work in this vein next week.

 

Yesterday I went to a salon for a haircut. There were a bit more people inside than I expected, and for just a brief moment I became a bit anxious. At that time Verres spoke to me mentally, and either I or her started to impose her on the seat next to mine. It was in a bright environment while I was a bit anxious so the imposition did not get any further than just the beginning stage where I can sort of feel a person sized/shaped outline sitting in that spot, but it made a big difference. It immediately calmed me down in a similar manner that a friend or family member being physically there would do, very different (and stronger) from the sort of reassurance I might have otherwise gotten if she only communicated to me mentally. This was neat and once again demonstrated to me that even a lower level of imposition skill can still serve to be helpful and is worthwhile to pursue irregardless any slowness of progress.

 

Miscellaneous Stuff:

At the end of my visualization/imposition sessions, both tulpas would walk halfway around my room from where they were to where an imaginary door that leads back to the wonderland is located. It's turned into a habit for the both of them to stop by where I would be sitting, lean down and give me a hug. It's interesting as I can always feel a strong tingling sensation in the area of my body (as well as most of my head) where they are touching me. I think it's Verres who started casually calling these "tulpa hugs" a while ago. Yesterday she declared that she was going to give me yet another tulpa hug, and made an effort to embrace me very tight. When she noticed that I had stronger than usual feelings of tingling from that, she proudly declared "made ya feel that!" and walked back into her door rather smugly. Today Saeya also started calling these embraces "tulpa hugs" in her rather dopey voice.

 

I noticed that Verres doesn't really participate much when I get strange or neat food off of Amazon vine. We spoke about this today and I realized that she cares more about the act of cooking than just eating. She really likes my bread machine and used to give it all sorts of strange praises, such as "alchemy!", "magic!" and so on. When I made an effort to cook good food, such as ribs baked at a low temperature for a long time to ensure tenderness or bacon fried rice, she'd be there as I eat and would somehow also partake in the tasting of the food, offering compliments of "delicious!" and such. With low effort meals I rarely notice her doing this. With packaged and processed snacks from Amazon vine, she almost never bothers.

 

Come to think of it, she never really participated in video games even when I was into them, though she did find social situations I encountered in online games to be interesting or funny. She also watches anime differently than I do, and is less tolerant of bad shows and isekai power fantasy crap than I was. Her tastes actually influenced me, now I watch less anime because of her, only the good ones out of a given season and I'm a lot more willing to drop a show if I don't enjoy the first few episodes of it. It's weird. It's like this is just a different person with their own tastes and preferences. It's both amusing and amazing when I take a step back and think about it.

 

Additional Mental Stuff:

Adding this in since I forgot. For a couple of days last week I was feeling blah and had trouble getting myself in that confident, focused state of mind that I figured out how to access when I was working through issues related to self love a few weeks ago. I realized that this blockage wasn't purely due to bad mood from dealing with a family disagreement, but was more specifically caused by a subconscious mental complex. A part of me in my subconscious had the belief that love is something I only get to have if I had the approval of my parents, or perhaps more generally the approval of other people. Only if everyone else was happy do I get to reward myself with my own love and approval. So if I was in an unpleasant disagreement with my family, this part acted up and caused issues with my ability to focus by denying me of my own self love, which in turn activated the escapist part of my mind that creates distractions and fantasies in order to get away from an unloved, loathed self. I addressed this mental complex with MEM courtesy of Saeya's help and I was able to achieve that state of focus again.

Edited September 4, 2025 by bunnymustdie

[bunnymustdie]

Visualization Progress Report for Past Week:

Saeya suggested that I use a tea candle to provide for the lighting in the room at night, instead of the usual sunrise alarm clock that I used. This is based on Josephine McCarthy's instructions for the meditation practice she taught in her book, as well as the practice of keeping a window open to let in outside air during meditation. I've started doing both and it seems to help with the imposition practice. The dim light from a real fire seem to help me focus better than the artificial light from the alarm clock, as well as the smell of the outside air. Overall it's led to the tulpas having a more solid presence during my evening practice sessions, and an oddly intangible change/improvement in the feel of the room.

 

There was one time when I was staring at the fire in the candle, concentrating on it as I mused about how it's getting weak, when I saw Saeya's face in my peripheral vision, looking pretty clear and handsome. At the time her body was bent at an angle, leaning down on the little table where I had the candle and was staring at the candle light as I was. I was able to clearly see the fire light reflected on her face, down to the slight flickering caused by the flicker from the candle. This occurred just for a second or two, but it was very clear and seemingly physical while it lasted. A weaker, less dramatic occurrence of the same phenomenon happened with Verres when she was also in a similar posture, staring at the fire while I was doing the same.

 

This led me to think that my subconscious, mind or whatever you call it can probably impose a lot better than what my conscious mind allows, and practicing imposition, at least for me, is less like completely building a skill from the ground up and more like, at least partially, recovering or remembering something I already knew how to do. A bit like when I used to mess with restoring ancient coins, and the goal was to remove the gunk from the coins to recover the details the coins already had down under the layers of grime that encased them.

 

I also tried to reproduce the above mentioned phenomenon tonight by spending a whole session staring at the candle light while trying to visualize Verres only in my peripheral vision. This led to an unclear, fuzzy image of her in my peripherals. This fuzzy image was not nearly as transparent as she ordinarily would be using my normal methods of imposing. It was more solid and had much more vivid colors at its best. Her presence in this state felt quite strong, like she was undeniably there in that spot in the room, and this feeling of presence can persist for many minutes. Ordinarily when I'm staring at the space right in front of my eyes via my central vision as I tried to impose her, the feeling of presence I get can come and go depending on my focus and some other part of my mind that tries to resist the idea of her somehow being there. I'll try to play with the idea of looking at my tulpas via my peripheral vision more the coming week.

 

I also worked more on Saeya's face and hair this week. I learned that I can look at myself in the mirror, impose my tulpas' faces over mine and use my own face as a guide or model for the proportion of my tulpas' face. This helps with visualizing the precise shape of the hairstyle, how the hair might be combed to achieve the exact look, and how the rest of the tulpa's face might go in relation to the hair. The differences between my and the tulpas' faces does not appear to hinder this process too much. This means I can use a mirror to try to better visualize my tulpas' faces during my day time practice sessions. Interestingly, trying to impose my tulpas' bodies directly over mine does not work very well - the difference between our physical bodies seem too great for this trick to work well for it.

 

Miscellaneous Stuff:

I've done some more work comparing the tulpas' bodily proportions with real life objects and my own. One of the things I've been doing is putting my foot forward, and letting them place theirs next to mine on the opposite side, so that my toes are next to their heels, and comparing the size of our feet this way. Saeya has been mostly jokingly referring to this as the "humiliation ritual". Apparently being physically smaller, and having a male host looking at that with a man's beauty standards for females and deeming it as dainty or cute, is something that she finds both funny and awkward. I've noticed that she's not nearly as comfortable with sexuality as Verres is, this might be because it's simply not one of the themes that her character was built upon.

 

I've been reading through Otto Weininger's book Sex & Character, which talks a lot about the philosophical psychological differences between men and women. I've come to the realization, which I've had naggingly in weaker, unformulated forms for years, that my tulpa(s) are not quite exactly the same as real life females, but are perhaps a man's idealization of how girls are like or should be. Saeya doesn't seem to care too much about this train of thought, and has mostly responded to it with something like "What do you mean I'm not a girl!?" along with cracking her knuckles in a vaguely threatening manner. She doesn't seem to care much for the philosophical implications of what I read from that book. Verres does not care much about it either, but in a different way. She acknowledges that she may very well be some sort of idealization, but that just makes her a different sort of existence - more unique, and maybe even better. She seem a lot more confident in her own existence and has a "so what if I'm fake? :P" kind of smug attitude toward the issue of her femininity.

 

 

[bunnymustdie]

Visualization Progress Report for Past Week:

I experimented more with my peripheral vision and some other factors. I found that if I'm imposing my tulpa through my peripheral vision while I'm slightly distracted, perhaps thinking about some other topic, staring at the candle flame or idly chatting with them, I can reliably produce an image of them in my peripheral vision. This image would feel mostly physical like it's actually in the room, and partially like a mentally visualized thing. The image itself would be fairly colorful and solid, being not translucent and generally impossible to see through. Along with this image would also be a pretty strong presence of the tulpa in question. I also realized that the few previous times when I had a strong imposed image of my tulpas, they fulfilled the conditions I described above - the tulpas were pretty much all in my peripheral vision or close to it, and I was for the most part in a slightly unfocused state of mind.

 

I experimented then with moving my head so that the tulpa enters my central vision from my peripheral vision. This results in some subconscious mechanism of my mind being activated, where I would look at what's in front of me and quickly make up judgements as to what is there and what is not, and at this point whatever image and presence of the tulpa would get disrupted until, in most cases, there'd be nothing left. That mechanism essentially judges the tulpas as not, or perhaps shouldn't, be present.

 

Over the course of the week I did a couple of things regarding what I observed. First of all, I tried the Mace Energy Method on the subconscious mechanism I observed to see if it can be dissolved altogether the same way a subconscious mental complex can. It appeared to help a little bit but the mechanism remains strongly in place - perhaps some complexes that worked in conjunction or was related to the mechanism got disrupted, but the main mechanism is still there. It seems to be a fairly strong and autonomous part of the mind, similar to, say, the part that chatters away inanely about what grocery to get or things that happened in the past when one gets distracted or loses focus (like what this book describes). I also did a maintenance MEM session in the middle of the week to clear up my mind, and it appeared to have also helped a bit. These two sessions appeared to have gotten rid of some subconscious feelings of "this can't/shouldn't work!" related to imposition and seems to help minimize the worst case scenarios I get out of imposition, where the tulpa is not visible at all and the presence feels unstable.

 

Since then, I would also sort of try to mentally grab ahold of that subconscious mechanism and try to nudge it to somehow relax when I try to impose my tulpas in my central vision. It seems to help nudge the image of the tulpas to the point where there is an image of them being really transparent and vague, but there in that half physical and half mental state. Essentially, through the two MEM sessions I did and coaxing this mental mechanism of mine to not be so aggressive, I can achieve more consistent results where there is something when I impose, and the worst case scenarios of there being nothing even when I want something to be there is being greatly reduced.

 

There were also a few times when I left my darkened room in the middle of imposition exercise to use the restroom, only to return to the room being unaccustomed to the dark again. In those conditions where the room appeared almost pitch black, it seems slightly easier to impose and get some sort of imagery/presence in the room. I experimented with this phenomenon tonight and sort of mentally grabbed onto a patch of the darkness in front of me that looked a bit different from the rest of the room and allowed my imagination to run wild and let it develop into a vaguely Verres-shaped patch in front of me.

 

Perhaps due to the dark, that subconscious mechanism of mine that's always so confident and ready to judge and assign values and definitions to things was not quite active. It was like even my central vision was a bit like my peripheral vision at that time. I somehow managed to sort of coax that patch of visual darkness into a shape that was even closer to Verres, and I played with it visually for a moment or so. Doing this, the visual was blobby, not really that close to my tulpa and not colorful at all. I knew that dark blobby visual was not her and should not be her or be real, but I suspended my disbelief in it all to allow it to be something. It ended up feeling very real as if it was a physically present thing in the room, more importantly I got to feel how it's like to visualize something directly in front of me via my central vision without having that subconscious mechanism of mine butting in. Anyway at the end of this exercise I used that visualized dark form in place of my normal, almost transparent version of Verres, and the hug she gave me felt all the same.

 

I'm not sure if this is the right direction to go in or if there's a way to eventually combine this technique with the more precise, but mostly translucent style of imposed imagery. I'm try to experiment more next week and see if it produces anything viable.

 

Miscellaneous Stuff:

I did more work on the bodily proportions for both of my tulpas during imposition. I used the proportion guide on this site a lot this week. I used to refer to it when creating avatars in Second Life as well. The proportion work helps and I can get a better idea of how the tulpas ought to look when sitting or standing, how long their legs should be in comparison to the rest of the body, etc. It helps solidify them to me, somehow.

[bunnymustdie]

Visualization Progress Report for Past Week:

Trying to build the imposed mental image of the tulpa on parts of the room that's darker due to visual snow in darkened conditions seem to help make the imposition more stable. Perhaps it's because the image is being built on something my eyes physically see, it doesn't trigger that judgemental part of my mind that tries to suppress the imposition as being unreal.

 

I've been trying a couple of other things related to this. One of the things is just gently talking to that part of my mind that attempts to suppress the imposition to maintain my subconscious view of reality, and tell it to chill, and explaining that seeing the imposition is good for me, and that it contributes to my survival by increasing my happiness before each session. This is something I learned from Thomas Zinser's book on his work with hypnosis on patients with DID. I also tried to imagine/feel that I'm breathing in fire (both physical and the concept of it), and breathing out stale, darkened air for a minute or two before proceeding with imposition. This is a technique from energy work and some of the Hermeticism material I read long ago that supposedly can help with visualizing. Both of these seem to also help make the tulpas' imposition a bit more solid.

 

I noticed that currently I do better with imposition with Verres. She's reached a stage where I can manage to get a strong presence and a somewhat stable, albeit heavily translucent imposition of her even during my day time exercises. With Saeya, she is still at a stage where she does noticeably better in the evening, and I often have trouble doing imposition stuff with her during my day time sessions.

 

Overall for this week both tulpas achieved stronger presences and have gained just a little bit more solidity in terms of their imposed form. It felt like they've improved the most during this past week compared to since when I first started messing with imposition despite that it doesn't sound like much when I write down how they differ from the previous week. Visually they're still heavily translucent, like they're right on the edge of being real or physically visual, with the imposed form being almost like the sort of really faint, imperfect images I get when I'm about to awake from a dream overlaid on physical reality. It just feels that they have a different quality this week, more "here" somehow, and both the worst I can do and the best I can do with imposition have all improved this week.

 

I started playing around more with the tulpas' imposed form this week during the sessions when their presence/imagery was strong and stable. I tried to ask them to go in different poses, move their bodies different ways and these went surprisingly well. I tried asking both to move their facial features, perhaps to smile or make a face, and most of these attempts turned out bad. I suppose this is not surprising since I've struggled most with visualizing their faces and required the most work on it even during earlier times when I did my visualization exercises only mentally. I imagine I would get better at this as I spend more time on it.

 

Verres showed up in a different outfit a couple of times this week. It's a more form fitting black dress with a lot of space on the back for the wings. She seem to have chosen this to help with these exercises.

 

Miscellaneous Stuff:

Both tulpas have showed up imposed or as a strong physical presence during the day when I'm about my business, unasked. They've done this on and off since I started working on imposition, but this week is when I realized for sure that this is now a consistent thing they do. This appears to replace them simply showing up as a mental presence, and it's been a welcome change so far. There has been a couple of times when one is imposed, or trying to be, and the other ends up taking their place akin to siblings or roommates fighting to use the bathroom. This behavior has been mostly playful so far, and over time they seem to have developed an unspoken etiquette over this. On a related note, it's pretty hard for me to try to impose both tulpas so far, it feels like even imposing one takes up a lot of mental energy. Similar to regular mental based visualization, I also notice myself doing better with imposition in the beginning of an exercise session, and often times near the end the tulpas' presence, and especially their imposed form, seem to grow weaker. 

[bunnymustdie]

Visualization Progress Report for Past Week:

I've kept up with gently telling the part of my mind that disrupts the imposition process by trying too hard to judge and discern reality before each session. For my own ease of use I've named this part of my subconscious mind my "reality gatekeeper", it's just a name based off of the "inner gatekeeper", a different subconscious part mentioned by Thomas Zinser's book that I've worked with in the past. I've also kept up with the brief fire breathing exercise before each imposition practice session. For the most part, this part of my mind has been noticeably more laid back and less prone to disrupt the imposed form of the tulpas the past week.

 

There have been continued improvement this week. The most significant is that I can start to see the tulpas, especially Verres, in an area of my vision closer to my central vision. Used to be their form and presence could be perceived clearly, or at least clearer, only on the edge of my peripheral vision. Now the area of my vision where I can reliably perceive and feel them is basically right outside my central vision. Their presence and form is still the strongest and clearest on the edge of the peripheral vision, though. A few times, when I'm sort of staring ahead while being a bit zoned out, they were also almost, more or less, in my central vision. This has been a rare occurrence and tend to get disrupted by my own mental excitement/awareness when it does happen.

 

It feels like generally I've made more improvements the past week or two compared to the earlier weeks. Either whatever I've been doing is closer to the right track, or the progress I've made on imposition has some sort of snowballing effect.

 

I have been able to reliably impose Saeya during the day this past week as well. My ability to see her face, both the imposed form and the mental visualization, have also improved. Overall I still impose Verres noticeably better, but the gap between the two is closing.

 

One day earlier this week I was in my bathroom in the morning. The lights were on so it was a pretty bright environment inside. For just a brief second or two I saw Saeya (most in my peripheral vision) in a kneeling position inside the bathtub, in kind of a playful, "abandoned puppy up for adoption" pose during some conversation we were having. This came across as a surprise because the environment was very bright, and it wasn't something I was expecting, it was just a posture she deemed as appropriate for whatever exchange we had at that time. A day or two later Verres did the same thing, though it didn't come across as clearly as the incident with Saeya and it felt a lot like Verres was sort of intentionally experimenting.

 

I've had one imposition session for each tulpas this week where they were naked. This was the first time in a long time that I've imposed or mentally visualized them in the nude. I did ok, and it seems my ability to visualize and understand the form of their bodies and physical structure have generally improved. I should spend more time on Verres' wings as their size and anatomy have gotten too inconsistent to my liking in my visualizations. As a side note, she does this thing where when she hugs me, the wings also reach forward to wrap around me, so that I'm basically getting hugged by four different limbs.

 

Miscellaneous Stuff:

I made bacon fried rice using the imported Indian rice I got off of Vine. Verres liked it a lot. I realized that I barely do anything food related with Saeya. I should try to do more food stuff with her, be it having her also taste them or participate more in their making somehow. I have been talking with them regarding some of the old choice games that I saved off of 4chan from ages ago, rather than just playing the games we went more into the reasoning and psychology behind some of my choices. Coming back to these after a long time was interesting as I was also able to better see what the game maker's mindsets were - whether they disliked themselves, had specific types of escapist feelings or how much they care for other people's boundaries in those scenarios. Saeya seem more interested in those than Verres and we did spend more time on those together - this could be just because these sorts of games are new to Saeya, but not to Verres.

Edited October 2, 2025 by bunnymustdie

[bunnymustdie]

Visualization Progress Report for Past Week:

I've been able to both feel my tulpas' presence and see their imposed form either really close to or in my central vision more reliably this week. Incidences of where they are just outside the central vision has been much more common, while there has been some times when they, primarily Verres, has been basically in my central vision. On a related note, I've been generally doing better with this stuff with Verres. Overall, I find that it helps for me to settle into a relaxed and slightly zoned out state for me to see them in or close to my central vision. Being fully alert and staring straight in front of me still tend to disrupt both their physical presence and imposed forms.

 

I went out to a local festival with my mother the past weekend and also had lunch at a local restaurant while we were in the area. Both tulpas spoke up and made comments regarding the food I ordered during lunch while I was talking to my mother. This was unusual as ordinarily they tend to stay quiet while I interacted with other people. The few exceptions to this had been situations where some perceived emergencies were taking place, such as encountering a potential scammer. Verres also showed up briefly at the festival in an imposed form along with her physical presence while I was walking. This was a sort of progress since she managed to show up in bright conditions, while it was fairly crowded and while I was walking and talking to another person. This visit from her did not last long since everything I was doing at the time, the walking, talking, and generally navigating a somewhat busy street all served to disrupt the imposition.

 

A couple of days later I went out to grab mail from the communal mailboxes. I took the time to impose Verres in front of me as I walked there. The sky was very, very blue that morning. Because the neighborhood was quiet and devoid of people, I had an easier time practicing my imposition compared to how it was at the festival. I was able to get a physical presence and somewhat weak imposed form of her out, and worked to visualize it walking in front of me as I worked to maintain my own walk. Managing my own movement while imposing the tulpa proved to be hard, and it felt very much like a juggling act where even a simple act like walking, which I took for granted for most of my life, became a thing I had to consciously do. I was, however, able to keep Verres imposed throughout both ways of the walk. The process was not perfect - imposing the tulpa in a state where she was continuously walking was harder than imposing her sitting still in a chair, and at times her proportion and size got kind of wonky.

 

Imposing Verres out on my walk appeared to have done a lot of good. I noticed marked improvement in my ability to mentally visualize and physically impose her the couple of evenings that came after. She had a stronger presence and the imposed form was more stable. A lot of the progress that I described above came during these evenings. Perhaps because of her improved stability, I started noticing more details in her form, like the shape, position of her fingers and the fingernails at the end of each of them. It's not like she's at a stage were I can see her as a purely physical thing in the room, but the visual quality of the image of her that I'm visualizing and layering over the physical room is clearer and sharper.

 

I went out to the dying mall nearby today to practice imposing the tulpas out in public again. I walked from one end of the mall to the other with Verres, and on the way back I switched Saeya in. We took our time to walk slowly, stopping at times to marvel at the empty store spaces in the mall and some of the nonprofit organizations that rented spaces out in the mall - it's interesting to note back when the mall was thriving, these nonprofits had no way of renting one of these spaces, the competition from other businesses that wanted those spots were simply too great. I generally did fine with Verres on this walk, I find that when the wind was blowing while we were making our way inside from the parking lot my visualization of her would automatically adapt by showing her dress fluttering in the wind or showing her hair being similarly blown by it. There were more issues with Saeya's proportion and size being off similar to what I noticed with Verres a few days prior. At one point I mentally communicated that her bare feet must feel uncomfortable on the cold tile floors in the mall, and she casually manifested a pair of black flip flops on her feet as a response.

 

Regardless, going outside and imposing the tulpas while I walked about appears to help with imposition a lot. Merely having to juggle between walking myself and imposing a walking tulpa at the same time seems to really push whatever mental muscles that's required for imposition to greater levels of performance. I'll try to have more walks like this in the future, as both girls seemed to enjoyed it as well.

 

I also did some on and off work on both tulpas' facial expressions this week. Both of them can manage much more natural smiles now.

 

Miscellaneous Stuff:

I've been watching videos of people playing old games I've played in the past. Verres seem to find them to be duller than I do. A few times she's questioned and suggested that I play the actual game, instead of watching someone else playing it. At times she's playfully said that she's ordering a play through from me, the same way viewers of these streamers might order a particular game or scenario to be played. I might get around to doing it just to satisfy her.

[bunnymustdie]

Visualization Progress Report for Past Week:

There was one time this week when I was able to see a shadowy figure that appeared solid and physical when I was practicing imposition with Verres. It was on an evening when I had pretty good success visualizing her mentally as well as seeing a decent image of her in my peripheral vision during the imposition part of my session. It lasted maybe a couple of minutes. I've been keeping an eye out for this again as well as trying to on and off replicate it for the rest of this week. It happened again at a weaker intensity a few days later, also on an evening when I've generally been at top condition.

 

I took more walks out in the neighborhood this week and tried to impose my tulpas walking in front of me during them. They generally went well and offered more opportunities for me to work on my tulpas' proportions in a real life setting. I am having an easier time walking and imposing them at the same time. The imposed form I'm getting from them during these sessions are still very weak and feels more like a mental imagery that I'm visualizing with my eyes open in the environment, rather than a physical thing like the shadowy figure I described above.

 

I went to a local Wal-Mart today and tried to impose Verres in that environment. It was noticeably tougher. I had to not only walk and impose her, but also push a cart around and navigate around aisles and other shoppers. She basically faded into just a presence right off the bat, but slowly regained an imposed form as the trip went on. Even then, she did not stay imposed continuously, and I noticed her sort of gracefully walking slowly and falling behind into my peripheral vision, where I have an easier time maintaining her form, when I got overwhelmed with juggling the imposition process with everything else I was doing. It was like a thing she learned just then to keep up under the circumstances. 

 

Doing imposition in Wal-Mart was also very fruitful in its own way. Unlike walking in the quiet neighborhood street or the dying local mall, Wal-Mart was packed full of people. I had a lot of opportunities to impose Verres next to people similar to her size to work on her proportions, and even got to better understand how her wings would work and look thanks to this. Even imposing her next to much taller people was interesting, I got to see a lot of spontaneous behavior from her imposed form such as her automatically looking up at the face of taller shoppers as she stood next to them. I also got to work on, or just see spontaneously, her moving in a more agile manner to navigate an environment that was full of other people, numerous shelves and other obstacles. Even though it was overall harder to keep up an imposed image of her, whatever image I managed to impose had a different feeling of realism and life compared to the images of her I manage to impose in the more controlled environment at home.

 

I was playing around with candle light during tonight's session again. I noticed that when I moved closer to the candle and keep it in my central vision, I got a nice presence and image of Verres in my peripherals once again. Tonight worked differently, though, since I noticed that when I moved my head away from the candle light and toward the piano chair where I imposed Verres' form, the stronger vividness and colors of her form that resulted from the candle light managed to stay for a bit, almost like an after image. I'd focus on the candle light for a minute or so, move my head normally to the spot where I imposed her in the room and would be able to stare directly at a somewhat solid and colorful form of her, with a good physical presence, for a good couple of seconds at least, before it'd fade and sort of settle into a weakened form of the shadowy figure I initially described above.

 

I've tried similar things with moving my head away from the candle light that I was focusing on in the weeks before, but they did not produce this phenomenon back then - perhaps this is a sign of some sort of progress. I'll play with this a bit more in the upcoming week, to see how consistent I can replicate this and whether it work the same with Saeya.

 

Miscellaneous Stuff:

I asked Saeya to help wake me up early on a day this past week so that I can make it to an appointment on time. She took this seriously and succeeded. She has been more chatty ever since then. I got engrossed with playing with an AI last night and it led her to ask me about this earlier today. She made some interesting insights about the fantasies I indulge in, about how passivity is a strong theme in them - many of my fantasies involve people doing things to me (or whatever that serves as a proxy of me) while I passively accept or enjoy them. At the same time, one of the things I complain of the most in real life is the theme of people doing, or trying to do things to me without my permission, and encroaching on my boundaries in general. These two qualities seem contradictory and I've been mulling over them since. This is not the sort of issue I'd ordinarily be able to root out in myself on my own easily, so it's neat that Saeya noticed this.

 

Edited October 16, 2025 by bunnymustdie

[bunnymustdie]

Visualization Progress Report for Past Week:

I experimented more with moving the tulpas from my peripheral vision to my central vision this week. I had a couple of days where I enjoyed good success where I would see/feel something akin to an visual, physical-ish afterimage for up to a couple of seconds with Verres on my evening sessions. During those days I had sessions with Saeya in the afternoon, and struggled to achieve these same effects. Saeya had a pretty nonchalant attitude about this, since she's accustomed to catching up to Verres eventually given the pattern our work has followed so far.

 

I continued doing the same experiment in the days after with Saeya in the evenings and Verres in the afternoons. I had a lot more trouble during those days. There were some evenings where I was able to achieve a weaker version of that afterimage phenomenon with Saeya only after trying a lot in a session. Spending most of my imposition time repeatedly doing this and focusing only to arrive at a dark, semi-physical shadowy form and maybe a whisp of an afterimage. I struggled similarly with Verres during our day time sessions during those days to achieve results I seemed to achieve easily the evenings prior. The one good thing that came from these struggles is that I managed to sort of get a feel for how it's like to go from not being able to achieve this phenomenon at all to working at it and achieving it. I get the impression knowing this feeling is helpful, like knowing how to build something from the ground up.

 

Around the same time as when I began having trouble achieving this state I had a greater amount of mental distractions and random negative daydreams and fantasies that would popup regularly. They stemmed from recent unpleasant general interactions with family, as well as one specific conversation on a topic that managed to upset me. I did not do much about these distractions and such out of a mix of laziness and complacency, even though I noticed they were making my meditation sessions worse as well. It might've been Verres who spoke up and bugged me about this, but I eventually realized that pent up, unaddressed subconscious junk created or agitated by these recent interactions were the source of the distractions and fantasies I experienced in these few days. I had a Mace energy method session early this afternoon with Saeya to clear these things up.

 

I then had my visualization/imposition exercises as normal for the afternoon and this evening. To my surprise I did much better with both. With Saeya, I can manage a noticeably stronger shadowy form & afterimage that took less time to achieve than the previous evening sessions, and this was during the day time session when I generally do worse with imposition. With Verres, it feels like the same funk that had plagued my previous sessions with her was gone as well. I was able to get a really good visual and presence of her in my peripheral vision. I had an easy time shifting it to my central vision and creating an afterimage of the visuals & feels too. As a bit of new progress, I was able to get a shadowy, vaguely physical form of her to kind of stay for a while, maybe up to a minute or so at a time, during this evening's practice session. I also noticed that if I focused on this form without staring too hard at it, and just kept talking to her and visualizing her naturally, I could sometimes get that shadowy form to shift to become an afterimage again, as something that's colorful and with distinct features rather than just a shadowy, vaguely humanoid outline. This process almost feels like how a weak or dormant fire might suddenly have a little spark popping or floating out of it at a seemingly random manner.

 

I feel pretty encouraged by this, and I will continue experimenting with this stuff and see where it takes me. I'm also surprised at just how much influence subconscious junk and upsets have on my visualization practice, although I really shouldn't be since I've long noticed the influence they had on my meditation attempts. The days after a Mace session or even Core Image removal with Verres tend to result in really good meditation sessions where I achieve a mindless state much easier.

 

I also continued to have walks in the neighborhood while trying to impose my tulpas, and had another trip to the dying mall and imposed them there. Most of these, including the mall trip, were done before the recent Mace session when I was experiencing the above mentioned mental funk, and I generally did not perform well with them. But the tulpas seem to really enjoy such outings, something about them is different from just me walking around and them being present in my consciousness, and I will continue doing them.

 

Miscellaneous Stuff:

Verres really dislikes dill pickle flavored lemonade. I found it tolerable, even sort of nice. We had some interesting conversations about it the last couple of days. I also find that my relationship with Saeya has slowly changed in the last few months. She talk and start conversations more now. It feels like we're less like colleagues and more like good friends in our own right now. Dedicating some time each day to my tulpas seem to have helped our relationship a lot.