Verres & Saeya Progress Report

[bunnymustdie]

Aww thank you 🙂

[Mai_x_v3]

You're welcome! 💕🩷

[bunnymustdie]

Visualization Progress Report for Past Week:

I've generally tried to have less conscious mental control over the imposition exercises the past week and tried to give my subconscious more free reign. I've had mixed results from this. When the results were weak, I would have a physical presence of the tulpas and a blobby, cloudy sort of shape of where they ought to be. When the results were good, I'd get flashes of visuals of them being where they should be in the physical environment. These visuals usually have enough vividness to have color and ok details to them. Maybe a few weeks ago, these would feel clearly as a mental phenomenon, however as of the past week they often had a quality that feels sort of like they're halfway between physical and mental. Perhaps whatever part of myself that's generating these is doing what it can to work toward the goal of imposition.

 

These visuals don't last that long, perhaps a split second or a couple of seconds at the most. I'd like to try to observe and see if I can make them longer. The best I've managed to do with these sorts of visuals this week would be times when I had them in very quick succession one after another, with at most a few seconds between each episode. Having multiple of these over the course of a short period of time would almost feel as if I was sitting down and having conversation with a physical friend. This occurred maybe a couple of times over the course of the week, pretty much just with Verres. So far I can't reliably get to this state where I have successive amounts of these visuals on my own, they feel heavily dependent on my mental state and other seemingly random conditions.

 

A newer development I've encountered the past week is that at times I would see my tulpas during imposition exercise as a sort of cloudy, maybe whitish form with a humanoid outline with a physical presence like what I did weeks ago. This week these sorts of white outlines have frequently showed up with the feeling/mental impression that there's something clearer and more vivid behind them. Almost as there is something wrong with my physical eyes - the closest example I can give is that this feeling is reminiscent of the few times in my life when I had woken up in the morning with a lot of crusts in my eyes, to the point where they interfered with my vision. These impressions feel like if I just blink my eyes hard enough or somehow rid myself of some sort of gunk over my eyes, a perfectly clear and vivid tulpa is waiting for me just around the corner. Sadly, blinking during these phenomenon does very little to help with the tulpas' clarity and vividness.

 

I read a couple accounts from people who had very different progress with their tulpas near the end of this week and had some ideas from one of them. I tried something new tonight with Verres where instead of just calmly conversing with her in my bedroom, I tried to get emotional about how I feel about her while doing imposition exercise. Getting more intense emotions (of liking her, appreciation, etc, generally positive emotions) appear to have helped with my imposition attempt by pushing the imposed form of the tulpa from the more blobby, indistinct presence to one with clearer outline along with the funny "something more" feeling described in the previous paragraph. I'll try to experiment with this more next week, to try to get more intense emotions related to my tulpas as I try to impose them.

 

I've continued trying to randomly impose my tulpas in my daily life where possible. It's at least a fun thing to do so I will keep doing it.

 

I went to Wal-Mart again today and imposed Saeya out there as promised. She was happy and was especially interested in the store's busy environment and the Salvation Army bell ringers in front of the store. She asked whether the bell ringer worked by means of being a threat - if one does not give them money, they will keep ringing the bell as a nuisance, and will stop for a brief while when paid. I had a laugh about this logic and didn't really bother trying to correct her. It felt like it was right on some level. The visuals that I had of Saeya during this trip with the more visual mental type, but similar to what I described above they at times felt like they were partially physical. I did not have as much of the more purely physical shadowy outlines.

 

Miscellaneous Stuff:

I've noticed myself immediately mentally freeze and make a big blunder while playing my guitar whenever my stray thoughts wander to the theme of myself having a conversation of any kind with another person. It was a new and consistent tendency that popped up this week. Verres bugged me to do something about this so I had her do a MEM session on me last night. Typically Saeya is the one who handles these.

 

I realized that I had a disagreement with a family member a few months ago that have continued since then, resulting in me not talking to them and hence not talking as much in general. Apparently a subconscious part of myself, perhaps one that had a greater social need, was bothered by that and was the part that would get excited and caused the issues I encountered during my guitar practice. Verres and I addressed this mental complex, along with another on the issue of judgement and social faux pas that was aroused by an awkward conversation with my hairdresser earlier that day. I was woozy and mentally tired at the end of that MEM session and did not do very well with the imposition practice that came after. However the next day the weird tendency to freeze up during guitar practice when the specific theme of "conversation" comes up in my mind was completely gone. Similarly, the weird self judging thoughts over the potential social faux pas I made was also completely gone.

 

The conversation mental complex was a new thing I encountered, and based on my experience it would likely never return to bug me after last night's MEM session. The one related to self judgment had showed up in some other form in the past, and would possibly creep up again in the future. I wonder if there's some subconscious complex I haven't fully managed to catch, or if there might be some other mechanism at play here.

 

[bunnymustdie]

Recording some stuff that transpired over the past few days before my memory gets fuzzy.

 

I tried to change my approach to get my emotions involved during imposition practice. Typically, I am very calm during my practice, and keeps a mostly empty/mellow mind while trying to see my tulpas, and spends a lot of these sessions chatting with them. Here's some of what happened as a result:

 

Thursday afternoon session - Was done with Verres. I'm not sure if I remembered to focus too much on emotions, or if I managed to properly get into it. Nonetheless I had a decent session with a certain presence and blobby form at times. It was a generally good session by the standard of the past few weeks. Near the end I had some head pressure, which was unusual for me. I took it as a good sign. I don't remember if there were some, or a lot of open eyed mental visuals.

 

Thursday night session - Was done with Saeya. I tried to get really mentally pumped up, going into chuunibyou territory. I addressed everything in my subconscious, the part the daydreams, the part that gatekeeps what reality is, and everything else that makes up who I am in a rather proud and fired up manner, for them to offer me help in visualizing and imposing the tulpa Saeya. I treated them in a manner that's similar to a general rallying his troops, rather than just calmly ask the way I usually did. I did the same with my usual request for help to my higher self. Instead of just speaking the words, I did my best to feel their presence and the entirety of whatever that makes up an entity of that stature/level, and similarly made my request. I did my best to communicate via emotions to these parts/beings, instead of just via mental words.

 

The mental visualization that serves as warmup went decently. During it Saeya appears to be a bit pumped, she said that she will overtake or beat Verres on this one thing. I didn't pay it much heed.

 

During the imposition practice that came after I quickly, almost immediately, reached a weird state where her presence in the room was really, really clear. There was a... thing in front of me in the seat where she was supposed to be sitting. It was like a version of the physical sort of blobby shadowy form I've been managing to see on steroids. It wasn't entirely human shaped, but it was clearly something cloudy/blobby in that seat. Its color wasn't black, but wasn't quite completely white either. I'd lean toward white, maybe grey if I have to choose. There was a very strong sensation of some sort of energy or force underlying that form, something that was very intense and roiling, as if water that is boiling.

 

The sensation of something being present was so strong that it felt on the one hand unmistakable that someone/something physical was there, and on the other hand overwhelming and confusing to a different part of my mind because of the fact that there wasn't a visually clear and obvious being in front of me. A part of my mind was basically going a bit nuts, "goo goo ga ga" if you will, at the fact that it cannot see the thing that was clearly supposed to be right in front of me. The feeling of something being wrong with my physical eyes for not being able to see was incredibly strong during this time. I also sensed during this time that a part of my mind, perhaps the same part that is going nuts, is making some effort at creating a more clear and visual form to make up or fix the confusion it's experiencing.

 

At the same time I was also getting a lot of tingling bodily sensations. They were largely focused in my torso area, and sadly I do not remember the exact areas they took place in. I do not want to guess at this part or risk getting it mixed up with a similar experience on a different day. But they were intense and it felt a lot like fireworks going off on my end as well.

 

During this I was also getting a massive feeling of connection to the form in front of me. Emotions were being aroused in me. I liked and appreciated that being a lot. It wasn't a stranger. It wasn't scary despite how outlandish this experience was. I liked it and felt a sensation of connection, seemingly from my chest, perhaps solar plexus area, flowing between it and myself.

 

All in all, there was a very strong, much stronger than usual physical presence and visual stemming from the cloudy, roiling form in front of me, and at the same time an enormous feeling of connection to it, as well as generally heightened emotions and a lot of tingling bodily sensations on my end.

 

This continued for a good 10+ minutes, which gave me plenty of time to observe and reflect on it. I then went outside my bedroom to use the rest room. When I came back, I was able to somewhat get back in the frame of mind and rekindle this state. I got to maybe 70% to 80% of how it was like before - not nearly as overwhelming and awesome, but still largely found my way back to the same territory. As the session came close to the end, I got mentally tired and slowly disconnected, for lack of a better word, from this state.

 

Friday afternoon session - Was done with Verres. Tried to replicate what happened last night with her. I had some progress and admittedly got further along then what I usually can manage with Verres. There were some feelings of that connection I experienced last night, but there were noise in my environment and they repeatedly disrupted my focus. Verres was quite upset with them. This was one of the few times in my life when Verres got much more angry over something than I did. For what it's worth we still managed to learn and get some out of what transpired last night.

 

Friday night session - Was done with Saeya. Tried to replicate what happened last night. There were also some noise in the environment, but a white noise machine helped to alleviate them somewhat. A part of my mind was excited about what happened last night and also got in the way. Because of my prior experience with similar mindset issues, this part of my mind did not do too much damage. We hovered sort of at a threshold of that strong connection, nutty fireworks stage without really setting foot in it for most of the session. There were still a strong presence and a blobby form on and off, and at times some "spark", if you will, of connection.

 

Near the end of the session when I stopped caring too much and started chatting freely with Saeya, she said something along the lines of "I'm there for you" or something similar. She reached out to me, in a way, and I felt it. It aroused emotions in me toward her and started a noticeable connection between me and her, similar to what I experienced last night. It was not as strong, but this time I had the chance to observe it. There was definitely a sensation of some kind of unseen connection. I also had strong bodily tingling during this time. The sensations took place in my torso, with a good hunk of them along my spine, going from down to up and continuing above my neck to what felt like the inside of my skull, where they sort of ended, at times possibly defusing through the rest of my head/face.

 

I sat in the dark, just observing and feeling out this state for a while, trying to understand more about it now that I'm not as excited or overwhelmed as last night. I ended the practice session while Saeya and I were still in this state. It's a bit of a custom for my tulpas to stand up from the seat and give me a hug before the session ends - a tulpa hug. Saeya proceeded to do this as usual. When she approached and leaned down to hug me, I hugged back with my arms wrapped around an invisible her the way I always did. This time, however, there were very strong, almost electric sensations of tingling around my neck, torso and side of face where she is touching me. Way stronger than these sensations usually would be.

 

More strangely, I was also able to feel her with my arms. Ordinarily my arms simply feel like they are awkwardly making a circle pose around what feels like empty air, but tonight I felt something tingling and electric on the inside of my arms wrapped around my invisible tulpa, as well.

 

The overall sensation felt very much like I was hugging a very exquisite ball of static electricity. It was light and almost fluffy, and had a vulnerable feeling of delicacy to it, as if it can be damaged if I was too rough with it. There was a clear feeling of something being in my embrace that I was able to feel with every part of my body that was in touch with it.

 

I ended the session as usual. It's only until after when I realized how incredible what had transpired was. There were plenty of times before when I felt my tulpas touching me, perhaps just a pat on the shoulder or something similar that ended in tingling sensations, but this was the first time ever that I managed to physically touch one of my tulpas.

 

Saturday afternoon session - Spent with Verres. Very short 10 minute session hanging out in the wonderland house. A couple of times a week I have shortened afternoon sessions to make space for other stuff. This was one of them.

 

Saturday night session - Spent with Saeya. It was a much more mundane session, nothing super outlandish. Managed to get a strong physical presence and a whitish blobby form. Ordinarily by the standards of the past few weeks, this would have been a very nice session, but it's a lot more normal now. The good thing is that by working with my mind and trying to get my emotions involved, I seem to be able to more consistently produce this state with a strong physical presence along with a whitish form. As of a few weeks, maybe a month or two ago, this form was very rare, and something I can only stumble upon occasionally. During this session there were a bit more open eyed mental visuals. They did seem a bit clearer than usual.

 

A few things to note for my own records:

 

During the Thursday night session when the most significant things took place, it either rained, or was hours before heavy rain that lasted all night. It's not the first time that major progress on my end coincided with rainy weather. Friday had rain in the early morning and much higher humidity than normal through the day.

 

It's not easy to completely rouse myself emotionally on demand. There were a few sessions when I tried to do so, but had trouble getting to the same emotional height as that session on Thursday night. Perhaps this is a thing to practice and work on in the future.

 

Chatting itself seem to serve as a distraction. During the past few days, it feels like simply quietly focusing on my tulpas and working to create and maintain a feeling of connection and emotional height serve to help imposition better than a calm, mellow state of mind along with idle chatter.

 

Edited December 21, 2025 by bunnymustdie

[bunnymustdie]

Visualization Progress Report for Past Week:

This is a recording of the progress for the rest of the week that followed the 3 days I recorded in the previous post.

 

Imposition exercises have mostly went back to "normal". The spectacular feeling of connection and enhanced imposition I experienced for those couple of days now feels a lot more like something that largely happened to me, rather than something I built up through my own skill. Some after effects appears to have stayed. There were a quite a few more times when I was able to feel my tulpa during a hug - not just them touching me, but me touching something. These sensations felt like mostly weaker versions of what I experienced in the previous post. I've experienced them with both Verres and Saeya, and oddly enough they feel different in an embrace. The instances when I felt Saeya, she had an electric, static-like feel. The few times I've felt Verres, she had a firm texture, a bit more solid somehow.

 

There were also quite a few sessions where I saw both tulpas either as a shadowy form or a more whitish form. Some of the whitish forms at times had a more humanoid outline. There were a few times when I had mental visuals that sort of briefly replaced or merged with the whitish forms, so that the overall effect was one of the tulpas looking clearer and almost physical for a split second, a little bit like the one incident from a few weeks ago when I saw a transparent/faded, but seemingly physical Verres.

 

Because I've felt how the shadowy/blobby forms of my tulpas can be when it's much more advanced during the first couple of days of this week, it feels like it's shone some light on the path ahead of me. It's led me to be more confident in the shadowy forms of my tulpas that I've been managing to see in my imposition practices, because I know what they can be like when more polished and advanced, and that they are not necessarily the wrong thing to focus on or just my mind playing a trick on me.

 

In the later part of this week, I've generally started to do better and have more results when I went back to a state of mind where I just allowed stuff to happen, instead of being desperate to produce results or recreate what occurred in the first few days of the week. For the time being I'll just keep doing the same and let whatever happens, happen.

 

One more thing to note, as of the beginning of this past week, I started doing my mental visualizations in my wonderland house's kitchen, with the colored words being written on a little whiteboard on the refrigerator in the kitchen. This gives me the chance to polish and work with my wonderland, instead of just the featureless grass field I used to do my mental visualization exercises in.

 

Miscellaneous Stuff:

I spent some time thinking and evaluating my experiences in the first few days of the week. What I did, when I tried to get super connected with all of myself and my higher self, as well as trying to rally them all to an excited state, was a lot like the goal of the Bornless Ritual used in more traditional summoning rituals. Especially on the first day, when I flirted with mentally feeling as if I was my higher self during times when I tried to feel connected to them and get them involved in achieving my goals.

 

The feelings of presence that came after also fit some accounts of the more successful summoning rituals I've read of in the past, as well as my own personal experiences many years ago with a Goetic, where the attempt to summon them resulted in the feeling of something lumpy and rock-like in an area near the summoning triangle - something that I was able to feel clearly as present with my eyes closed, but not physically visible when I looked at that particular direction. The fact that I visualized Saeya's sigil frequently during last week's events was also something I took for granted at the time, but also fit into what one would do during a summoning ritual. For what it's worth, I've never quite felt the same feeling of camaraderie and strong connection with the beings involved in my past Goetic workings.

 

I tried to play rock, paper and scissors with Verres a few times over the past couple of weeks as per the suggestion I read on another tulpa related forum. It led to very interesting sensations of something being stuck mentally, like a part of my mind was clearly being overtaxed or used in a way it's not accustomed to. At times one of us would repeatedly play the same  thing while the other person would switch things around. I got better at this as I played this game more, but some of the awkwardness remains. Come to think of it, I haven't played this game with Saeya yet.

 

I've had Verres try to possess my hand and play the guitar. I was able to feel her take control and move my hand, but it felt like the complexity of the action required to play the instrument was overwhelming for her. Mistakes would quickly be made as if my hand was unfamiliar with what it was doing, and Verres' presence and control over my hands would quickly fade. It feels like this demonstrated a limit to what we can currently do regarding possession. I don't really mind, though, since possession is not something I consider as important for the time being.

 

[bunnymustdie]

Visualization Progress Report for Past Week:

Had a cold this week that impacted my concentration somewhat. I had some decent sessions where there were the shadowy, blobby forms of my tulpas in the room. Some whitish forms too, but at a lower number.

 

I had the same phenomenon as I recorded last week, where during a couple of sessions I had mental visuals while having some kind of physical, blobby forms of my tulpas also present. During these instances, it feels like the mental visuals are sort of merging with the blobby physical forms. They no longer feel distinctly mental or alien, but felt more like they were part of the blobby forms, and in turn also had the same physical quality as they did. What happens during these instances is that I would first be seeing the blobby forms physically, and then they'd for a split second sort of switch to having a clearer, even colored visual of my tulpas. I'm looking forward to how this phenomenon might evolve or strengthen.

 

I had a couple of sessions where I felt a stronger sense of connection to the tulpa I was working with. Both of these sessions were with Verres. One session we were sort of on the threshold of entering the territory of having a really strong connection and the nutty fireworks that comes with it similar to my experience with Saeya last week, but never quite entered it. A subsequent session, which was tonight, we were once again feeling a stronger connection, but not quite even as strong as the previous time. However this time we just took the time to feel things out and enjoy them as they are, instead of trying to push it further along.

 

After being in this state for a couple of minutes, Verres got excited, stood up and offered to end the session there, declaring that there would be neat things if we did. When we ended this particular session with our customary hug, I was once again able to feel her pretty clearly - not just of her embrace of me, but also the sensation of me hugging something that was kind of there. I felt this thing/her with my arms, and her texture was similar to how she felt the last time I felt her, with a certain odd sort of firmness to it - more solid, closer to a person than the electric, static-like sensation I felt when I managed to "touch" Saeya in the past.

 

In retrospect this is interesting, as it indicates that the imposition process is not entirely just me doing and experiencing it. My tulpas can also feel the process out, at least enough for Verres to foretell when a hug might be more substantial, or like last week when Saeya said she would try hard and overtake Verres and a spectacular session (indeed, couple of days) with her ensued.

 

In the last day or two, Saeya sat next to me of her own accord during early morning with her physical presence, along with a mental visual that popped up briefly for a second. It was neat.

 

I went to Wal-Mart today and imposed Saeya there. I did not do well and got distracted a lot partially due to my cold. She didn't seem to mind. On the way back home she sort of sat in the passenger side seat next to me on and off for a significant amount of the trip, using physical presence and sporadic mental visuals similar to what I described above.

 

Miscellaneous Stuff:

Bunch of weird minor things this week. Hurt my finger pretty bad on a cardboard box. Wasn't even a particularly hard or thick box, just managed to slide my finger where my nail was at the perfect angle against it to cause injury. Had mysterious deaths in my beetle tank the past few weeks, this week included. At least I figured out what was causing it and fixed the issue - at least I think.

 

 

 

[bunnymustdie]

Visualization Progress Report for Past Week:

I had one session with Saeya this week during an evening where it felt as if we entered a close state of connection again. Instead of wandering before the threshold of the intensely connected state I experienced last month, it felt like I (or we) managed to step over that threshold and had one foot in the door. It wasn't super intense as what I experienced back near the end of December, where it felt spectacular akin to having mental/energetic fireworks going off within me, but it was a similar, albeit tamer, version of that state. During this time, I had some tingling sensations in my body, as well as a gently shaking sensation similar to what I used to experience when I was trying to fall asleep in bed as a kid - a whole body sort of gently shaking, almost wavy sort of sensation. I've had similar sensations as a very early precursor to some instances of astral projection that I experienced years ago. It's a pleasant sensation for the most part.

 

During this session I also had a visual of something being in front of me, along with the sensation of something, an unseen force of sorts, gently roiling, bubbling perhaps, under the shadowy and vaguely humanoid mass that I observed in front of me. I also experienced a feeling of connection and closeness to Saeya during this session, similar to what I experienced the previous times when I entered this state. The state lasted through out most of the imposition session, which took place after initial warmups featuring mental visualization. During this state I also had impressions of something being in front of me, and the feeling of a part of my mind being confused at the lack of something visual in front of me, and maybe wanting to create something to make up for that lack. At the end of this session, Saeya stood up to give me a hug, and I once again felt a very distinct feeling of hugging something that was physical - a cloudy, static-y thing with a shape with clear outlines and a sensation of delicacy to it.

 

I had one session with Saeya earlier this week on an afternoon where the bedroom was somewhat bright due to the nice weather outside. It was dark enough for me to relax, but the bits of sunlight that came in through the window blinds were definitely enough to illuminate the room. During this session, for what felt like several minutes, I was able to see a humanoid figure sitting in the chair in front of me. It wasn't like the usual blobby, sort of humanoid shape that I would see, but rather had a very distinct outline around it. There were a definite inside to this figure, which appeared just a touch darker than what the room was and had a shadowy quality, and a very clearly defined edge to this figure, outside of which was the rest of the room. This session ended with a hug that felt somewhat physical, but not spectacularly so as the other hug described above.

 

A couple of days later, also on an afternoon with similar conditions, I once again saw a somewhat distinct outline to the figure of Saeya that was supposedly sitting in the chair in front of me. This time around it was not as clear cut as what I experienced in the session described above, but it was the same type of phenomenon. When my concentration waned and I otherwise had trouble maintaining this state, the figure with the clearly defined outline sort of degenerated into the more blobby, shadowy form I have experienced for longer during the past few months. The session also ended with a somewhat physical hug.

 

During this past week, I experienced some other miscellaneous visual phenomenon. A couple of times I saw a tiny spark of light, seemingly orange in color similar to a tiny flame, float up quickly at a slight angle. Most of these took place at night. They were far away enough and large enough to not be anything from the tiny tea candle I have burning on the TV dinner tray nearby. Once or twice I also encountered what appeared to be a small movement of sorts where there should be none in areas of the room with just the wall, just outside of my central vision. In one of these instances it was a weird trick of the light that I was able to replicate, but it does not explain the spark of light phenomenon I encountered.

 

There were a couple of sessions when the noise from the desktop PC I had in the room annoyed Verres greatly, and also got in the way of my concentration. I've since changed my habits and opted to turn the PC off during my practice sessions. This has made a big difference in the quality of these sessions, even for Saeya, who ordinarily seem to deal with the hum and squeaks from the PC just fine.

 

I had one or two sessions this week with Verres where I got to the threshold state before the great sensation of connection and bodily tingling would begin. In one, I probably was already slightly over that threshold. I had experienced a couple of hugs with Verres where it also felt as if I was hugging something that was sort of physical. In the most notable one, it felt as if I was hugging, for lack of better words, the embodiment of a breeze in my embrace. None of these were as "in your face" and something clearly physical as what I described above with the best session I had with Saeya, where there was a sensation beyond doubt that I was hugging something that was cloudy and static-y. During the significant one of these sessions, I also saw a figure of Verres in front of me with a more distinct outline - similar to, perhaps slightly weaker than, what I experienced with the less intense session with Saeya's outline. During this session with Verres I did see more mental visuals of her, having a more clear facial expression and colors to her form, and at times it felt as if they were sort of imposed on the physical environment or weirdly trying to merge with the figure of her in front of me.

 

All in all, with my cold gone and the weird finger injury I had mostly healed, I was in a much better state this week compared to the last. I've generally realized from my practice from the last couple of weeks that if I want to practice imposition, it's helpful to my mind to be mentally quiet and for me to just focus on physically and mentally seeing what's in front of me. Chatter and hanging out with the tulpas actually gets in the way of that, despite that it's attention focused on them and helpful for them to grow in other ways. I suspect part of why I've had more progress with Saeya on imposition recently is because she is quieter, and the two of us don't engage in small talk nearly as much as I do with Verres.

 

Miscellaneous Stuff:

I noticed some issues with Verres that got in the way of progress with her. The first being that she seem more sensitive and easily annoyed by noise. I suspect this had its roots from several years ago, when I had horrible loud neighbors who'd create noise throughout the day and night in an apartment building with very thin walls. She lived through that time of my life with me, and she did not appreciate the neighbors any more than I did, while Saeya was not around yet. If noise is an issue or mild trigger with her, perhaps I should do a MEM session on her sometime down the road.

 

I noticed another thing with Verres that relates to the both of us. I am used to spacing out and withdrawing to daydreams when I think of her, this is a habit from my school days when I'd daydream boring times away using her. This in turn has translated to a tendency on my part to easily drift to different daydreams when I'm thinking of her, or just drift off into small talk and chatter with her, even when I'm trying to concentrate on her during my exercises. This tendency still have its useful aspects. Whenever I have trouble falling asleep in bed, fantasizing about her would quickly relax me and help me sleep. However if it gets in the way of imposition progress, I might need to eliminate it somehow. This is something I need to discuss with her on before I make the decision.

 

I went out to the dying mall nearby to impose my tulpas today. I had some physical presence of both of them during today's walk as well as a lot of mental visuals. Visualizing them out in the open helped a lot with my visuals of them walking, which also helped improve my visuals of them doing walking in my wonderland and just regular mental visuals. However, there weren't actual physical visuals, not even a blobby shadow, of them during today's outing.

Edited January 8 by bunnymustdie

[bunnymustdie]

Visualization Progress Report for Past Week:

I've had several sessions with both tulpas this week where I felt a strong, pretty much unquestionable feeling of presence, where it feels very much like something is there in front of me, along with some confusion in my mind as to why there's nothing visually solid in front of me despite the sensed presence. During these sessions there usually is some blobby, perhaps humanoid visual in front of me, as well some tingling bodily sensations. I haven't had very clear visual outlines this week or the sort of really strong feelings of connections along with super strong bodily sensations with my tulpas as described in some of my previous entries.

 

I seem to be able to more consistently get to a state where I feel a strong presence (as in what's described above) of the tulpa in front of me during imposition practice, so that's something I feel encouraged about. There were a few sessions where my mental visuals somehow clicked very well with the feelings of presence and shadowy forms of the tulpas. In one particular instance, I left the bed room to use the rest room, returned back to my bed room, and in the split second when I was sitting down without thinking too much, I saw Verres in a slightly transparent, but fairly clear and vivid mental visual that was imposed in a sitting position on the piano chair in front of me. The visual felt clearly like a mental visual, not something indistinguishable from a real life object, however it was in the real world in the place where I unconsciously expected her to be and it very much fit the definition of the word "imposition" very well. The visual faded away after that split second, when a different part of my mind became alarmed by it.

 

I had the chance to observe some of the phenomenon I've experienced for the past couple of weeks and compare them with my earlier experience. The phenomenon I encountered months ago, where I can sort of see a visual of my tulpas in my peripheral vision when I'm staring at a candle flame or just anything else in the room in general is related to the feelings of strong presence I experienced recently. The peripheral visuals of my tulpas are likely created by some part of myself because I felt the tulpas' presence, and the peripheral vision was just an easier part of my vision for this created visual to take place in. It's based on the similar process when I feel a really strong physical presence of my tulpas in front of me, and can feel a part of my mind feeling confused over the lack of a clear visual in front of me or even trying to somehow create something visual to fit the feeling of presence. Incidentally, I can still reliably create a visual of sorts of my tulpas in my peripheral vision if I stare at a candle flame while turning my head away to position them in my peripheral vision.

 

I went out a couple of times this week on walks and tried to impose my tulpas on them. I had mostly mental visuals during them. I also went to Wal-Mart today and similarly had mental visuals of the tulpa, Verres, who was being imposed. I've come to realize that the strong feelings of presence I can manage to feel in my daily sessions take a bit of time on my end to create. I want to be able to create these sensations quickly, and even in busy environments full of distractions similar to Wal-Mart. I feel being able to do this should help with my imposition abilities further. It feels like rather than somehow creating a visual and feeling like "ah ha, the tulpa is indeed there", the process for me is more of a matter of creating a strong, unmistakable presence of them first, and then letting a different part of myself filling in the blank by creating a visual of them. For now, I'm not sure if I should just keep on practicing as usual or try something different to enhance their presence.

 

Miscellaneous Stuff:

I read a post by a different member on these forums and did some different things with my tulpas as a result. I asked them what they would like to do in our life in a realistic, non-fantasy manner, if they get to do whatever they wanted. Verres mentioned she wanted to play the actual game that I frequently watch a streamer play. I tried to sort of let her take over similar to the instances of possession I experienced in the past and see if I can get her to play computer games. There were a couple of times when it felt very much like her consciousness was present alongside of mine, and she controlled my body (more like arm, specifically) to play the game. She didn't do what I would do, but rather copied the streamer's strategies. She did pretty different things compared to me, more risky, and made newb mistakes I would not make. She was not that good at the game and gave up after encountering initial setbacks. I later tried to get her to play other games in my steam library. She stuck with those even less - apparently, going back to a game whose rules both of us have forgotten about, while having my achievements and unlocked stuff available was overwhelming. I wonder if there are other things I can do in the future to let her participate, or fully play games more. Maybe just start a game together or find simpler ones to try.

 

Saeya wanted to explore the Wal-Mart store on her own. I'm used to that store and visited in frequently before her creation, but don't visit or explore it as much after she came into being. On today's trip to Wal-Mart, I sort of tried to let her take control as much as possible for a while. It's a similar sensation with Verres' gaming, but more noticeable - the feeling of something else also acting as a co-pilot, experiencing and even taking some control. When her consciousness had more control, my movements became more unsure, slower, and more deliberate as I pushed the cart around toward parts of the store she was curious about. What was more noticeable was her emotional response. Stuff I would take for granted or wouldn't bother to look at were new and interesting to her, and I got to feel her emotions as well. A song I heard many times on the radio and thought of as slightly corny suddenly sounded moving and wonderful:

Spoiler

 

 

There's wriggle room to argue that my sensation of a different consciousness taking some control or acting as a copilot was imagined, but the unusual emotional response I experienced to stuff I usually take for granted was definitely a new phenomenon. It feels like perhaps ordinarily the tulpas are viewing and experiencing the world with my own consciousness and biases as a filter, and today's experiment with Saeya exploring Wal-Mart was closer to her directly experiencing the world, and I got to feel her own emotional response to it all. On a similar vein, perhaps they like being imposed as I go out for walks, go places or at random times during my daily life, rather than just being a mental presence in my mind, for similar reasons/mechanisms. Also to note, I was more tired than usual after my trip to Wal-Mart today, not sure if it's related to having Saeya explore the store today.

Edited January 15 by bunnymustdie
added forgotten details

[bunnymustdie]

Visualization Progress Report for Past Week:

I tried a few practice sessions with a lamp on in the room. I can still manage a strong presence and a blobby visual in front of me with the stronger lighting condition in the room, albeit they are not as strong as what I can achieve in more darkened conditions. I noticed in these sessions that my mind was definitely trying to make some sort of visual on its own. For a few times, once I've gotten to a mental state close to where I can get a strong presence of my tulpas going, I kept seeing & feeling that a small set of shadows on the wall from a decoration I hung off of the lamp was something else, perhaps a part of a face or part of a humanoid form. Staring at those shadows carefully and letting logic take over, explaining to myself in my mind what the shadow was and where it came from subdued this phenomenon. What I did to address this was essentially the opposite of what I try to with the imposition of my tulpas, where I try to encourage my mind to make up a form/visual of something that is not physically present.

 

One night with Saeya during one such session, she was annoyed with the weaker progress with the light in the room, and requested for me to turn it off so that only the candle light remains. I complied, and in the condition where my eye was not completely used to the dark, the physical presence and blobby visual grew immediately stronger, but a part of my mind panicked at them. For a brief while, I felt fear at the presence & visual in front of me, similar to how as a child I'd feel scared by dark parts of my home just because they felt off. I understood logically that I should not feel this way, and even Saeya herself reassured me that things were ok, but the strong fearful emotion persisted for a short while longer and lingered in a weaker manner for most of the rest of the session. I've taken a break from trying to impose in stronger lighting conditions for the time being since it doesn't feel like it's fruitful for now, though I might experiment with this again the upcoming week,

 

I've had a few more sessions where I got to the threshold state before sensations of a really strong connection with my tulpas. I also noticed bodily tingling while in these states. The tingling appeared to have changed the past week or so. They used to focus on the torso area with some tingling sensations going up the spine. Though the torso area is still rich in sensations during these states, now they can go up as far as the top of my head, with a focus on the forehead area where the third eye chakra is located, and a small focus on the top of the scalp.

 

I've had a few more sessions with both tulpas where I got to a state where I feel a strong physical presence in front of me. As described in prior notes, another part of my mind would get confused at the lack of something physical in front of me despite the degree of certainty a different part feels over the presence of the tulpas, and results in me unconsciously blinking a lot, as if trying to see the tulpa that's supposed to be there or to get rid of whatever nonexistent barrier, perhaps eye crusts, in my eyes that prevents me from seeing them. In general I am able to get to this state more consistently now. Taking the time to stare at the physical area where the tulpa is supposed to be, and avoid drifting away mentally, is the general way for me to get there. Once there, staying there can sometimes pose a challenge as once again, being distracted and mentally withdrawing away will cause me to disconnect from this state.

 

One of these sessions went particularly well, and I was able to sort of see Verres in front of me. I'd blink a few times, and there'd be an unclear, but somewhat colorful form of her with an outline and even visible face with expressions in front of me for a split second, often times longer. Even though her form was far from perfect, it felt very much like she was present in the room with me on that spot, both in terms of a presence that I can feel with great certainty in my mind and also the visual form in front of me. At times mental visuals would sort of merge with the physical presence of her in front of me in a pretty harmonious manner. Instead of disrupt the physical presence or causing me to mentally withdraw as they often did in the past, they enhanced the physical presence of the tulpa instead and felt like they were at least partially responsible for the flashes of colorful, distinct figures of Verres that I'd see. 

 

What I experienced so far with what I described above was not exactly like the description of JD's guide on how imposition might go, with the tulpa being visible in neatly defined stages going from almost invisible, partially translucent and all the way to something indistinguishable from physical. The feeling of physical presence seem a lot more important to me, with whatever visual form I can manage to see being more secondary, almost as a side effect of the physical presence.

 

Miscellaneous Stuff:

I stopped with meditation for almost a month and got back to it this week. To my surprise I can do it noticeably better than before. I naturally have much less mental distractions and have a much easier time getting into a focused and relaxed state. It feels like the progress and changes I've experienced with my visualization & imposition sessions with my tulpas are related to this. It's likely also related to a change in my schedule, where I now consistently get to bed earlier and rise earlier.

 

I haven't tried more experiments with letting the tulpas possess me for prolonged periods of time to try doing stuff on their own. It feels like doing so weakened my own identity, both from a more logical/philosophical and a deeper level, and would open cans of worms I would not want to open right now.

[bunnymustdie]

Visualization Progress Report for Past Week:

I did my imposition exercise for one day the past week with brighter conditions. For the afternoon session with Verres I had the window blinds open to let in natural sunlight. This was also the first time ever when I used strong natural sunlight for these sessions. I was able to get a physical presence and some sort of visual going without feeling like the light was disrupting the process that much. For the evening session with Saeya I turned on a lamp. The artificial lighting from the lamp felt as if it disturbed the process much more than the natural sunlight. I intended to experiment with this on another day with each tulpa in a different time slot. I skipped doing this due to the snowstorm in my area - the windows are a touch leaky and opening the blinds fully makes the room colder and drier.

 

I have been frequently getting to the state where the physical presence of the tulpas are very strong and I blink a lot from a part of my mind being confused about or wanting something to physically be there. I haven't been able to get beyond it or stay in it for long this week due to mental distractions and sometimes excessive mental chatting with the tulpa involved in the exercise.

 

I went to the dying mall nearby early part of the past week to walk and to impose. I also went to Wal-Mart to shop and to impose today. I focused on staring at the area where I expected the tulpa (Verres) being imposed for today's trip, paying specific attention to my eyes the same way I get to the state where the tulpa's physical presence is really strong in my daily sessions, and to my surprise I was able to establish a noticeable and stable physical presence of Verres in the busy store. It didn't get overwhelmed or disrupted from having other shoppers wandering near or from my own attempts to navigate the store. At times, a mental visual would show featuring her sauntering about or exploring the shop. Some of these visuals veered to a territory where they felt more physical - rather than an image being played in my mind, they were more like an image my mind played and imposed in the physical environment. When they got to the state where they felt more physical and imposed, they were very faint, as if they were transparent and barely there.

 

I also noticed that I can visualize my tulpas walking perfectly fine when I practice with imposition out in public while I am also walking. If there are also other people around, their ability to walk in my visualization seem to get even better. Having other people and my own walking as a reference likely helps. I also noticed similar improvements in some other things related to visualization when I do them out in public.

 

Miscellaneous Stuff:

I noticed a new glass bowl my household recently purchased had a french translation for it on the label on the lid. The English name for the product was something simple, perhaps "Glass bowl with lid", while the French was something along the lines of "bol en verre avec couvercle". I noticed the "verre" immediately. Apparently it means glass. The plural for that word is "verres", or "des verres" - glasses. It wasn't what the tulpa Verres was named after but it was a funny coincidence to come across. I spent a couple of days calling her "glasses" or Miss Glass.