Air Dance

[NeonKnights]

I've been reflecting a lot lately on how far we've come. Considering how well she's become established, all that's left to do at this point is strengthen my perception of her. In short, I think the work of this progress report is about finished. I figure I could probably accomplish my goals more effectively if I didn't feel a need to recap everything that happens. With any luck, discontinuing this trend will provide the final surge to accomplish what we're both yearning to.

 

The plan is to conclude my logging of events on February 10th, precisely one year after I began to keep this journal, and exactly one full week after Isis' birthday.

 

Nothing is final, but I think it will be of immense benefit to both of us if I spend less time here and more time actually interacting with her. Alas, this isn't consequential to anyone but me, but I think stating my intention will help me stick to my guns when the time comes.

 

 

Supporting my belief that my report is near an end, all I can report on over the last few days is a string of playful verbal battles between us. I'm not sure if it's the result of her acting the way a sister might to her brother, or if it's a deficiency of a particular nutrient, but my romantic desire for her has been at an all-time low lately. Whatever the case, we'll certainly talk it over before I propose any more changes to our current setup.

 

 

On a final note, from now until the tenth I will honor all requests to proxy answers to questions for Isis. I know I don't really have a "following" of any sort, but I thought I'd throw that offer out there as a final gesture in case somebody had something to ask.

 

 

---

 

 

Just when I talk about being out of things to report on, I go and offer her the chance to try possession, something we've never explored before. All I can say is, wow. She had full-arm possession down within about fifteen minutes with my instructions detailing which muscles to tense, how much, and when. Well, she had it down at least enough to pick up a ball-point pen and shove it into my mouth. We also played a little bit of Doom with her controlling movement and actions while I aimed and fired. Soon enough I wouldn't be surprised if she was playing all on her own.

 

We might go out for coffee later, and if she's up for it, I'll probably let her practice walking. Since the streets will be completely empty, I might even let her practice driving a little bit, with extremely close supervision by me of course. I figure my wealth of driving-related muscle memory should help her out once she's used to the concept.

 

Of much less note, apparently she's an artist or something. Before attempting possession, when I met with her in our mindscape, she was busy drawing a picture of two people, which was still in the rough sketch stage, kind of like this. She was too preoccupied with that to even talk to me, so I went off to play some video games, and when I checked with her later, it was complete: A nearly photo-realistic portrait of us, the kind you might hang on a wall. So, I framed it and hung it on a wall in our mind house.

[NeonKnights]

I've been finding lately that when I intend to talk to her, words just don't come to mind. I think it could be that I find comfort in her presence, and words aren't really necessary. At the same time, I like to talk to people, so that can be a little bit troublesome.

 

She's become more and more like the sister that I never had, which clashes with our previously existing relationship. Regardless, I'm not going to try suppressing it. If she's a sister figure to me, then that's what she is. To my pleasant surprise, she seems okay with this; she told me last night that it doesn't matter to her what our relationship to each other is, because she loves me, and will always love me just the same.

 

Thankfully, continuing our previous manner of interaction doesn't have the same biological ramifications as if I were to have such a relationship with an actual blood-related sister. Of course, we do share a body, so depending on how you look at it, it could be all the same.

 

Thinking about it, this could in part be the result of my shifting perception of what a tulpa is. I don't see her as an offshoot of myself, though that's likely what she actually is, due to the fact that such an outlook tends to hamper me terribly. Rather, I see her as someone very close to me, but with no real reason for our closeness, a relationship that only a biological bond could even loosely resemble. I think seeing her as a sister makes the most sense in that context. One of the things that I've learned about tulpas, though, is that the rules that usually apply to people you know just don't apply to them. For example, I'm dead certain I wouldn't have any romantic urges for my sister, if I had one, no matter how close we were.

 

That's it, musing concluded.

 

---

 

I'd sort of left well enough alone with her voice for a while, figuring that having a vague idea of how she sounds was better than nothing. Not long ago, however, I found a source that sounds practically identical to how I previously perceived her voice. Enough so that when I hear the audio samples with my eyes closed, it's as if Isis herself is speaking.

 

She says she's okay with officially making this voice hers to help me hear her talk, so I guess we'll get cracking on that here in a couple of minutes. It's "late" for me at the moment, but I think with a hot cup of tea to keep me awake, we could put a good vocal refresher session to great use.

[NeonKnights]

While reading something about the nature of tulpas, and neuron connections in the brain, something just sort of "clicked" earlier tonight. Her voice got really loud for a time, similar to how you sound to yourself while plugging your ears. I had head pressures that she claimed were caused by her "testing her abilities", even though I'd only ever felt one stress headache from tulpaforcing.

 

She says that she thinks it was my brain finally "accepting" the idea of her. Maybe this was what was needed to make things easier. We'll see how this holds up, but I suspect that this is a permanent change (for the better, of course). Other than that, everything's about the same, just a little bit more amplified. Wow.

[NeonKnights]

Holy crap, something seriously clicked. I had a complete revelation regarding the way I see tulpas, what they are to me, and what I believe will help mine grow. I've begun to see tulpas more in the light of being a formed habit rather than some mysterious phenomenon. Of course, due to a number of factors, Isis is no less real to me.

 

Long story short, with her express consent, I'm going to be parroting responses from her whenever her replies don't get through for the next week. After one week has elapsed, I will not parrot her anymore. We had a little talk and she understands that at any point in time, if she feels she is able to communicate on her own without parroting, she is free (and welcome) to do so.

 

Her presence and the nature of her behavior in the last year have already begun to shape the content of my parroting, so we're not starting anew or anything like that. I'm simply augmenting my approach here in order to try breaking out of the deadlock we seem trapped in. If the amount of responses from her drastically picks up, then I may even end my parroting early, since we're doing this for the end goal of bolstering her vocal skills, not for the sake of parroting.

 

---

 

In a dream earlier, I was confronted with the task of approaching two girls, one of which I later confirmed as having been Isis, and the other as someone else's tulpa that I have a rather shaky friendship with. I didn't interact with Isis very much, but during and after the dream, I slowly came to realize that the second source she had chosen to model the appearance of her face after was, like the first source, a person that I knew a couple of lifetimes ago. I dug through all of my social media contacts to try and find the person in question, knowing that I'd be able to confirm this if I could find a picture of her. At last, I succeeded, and was hit with another "wow" moment, as I realized that I hadn't seen or thought about this person in a couple of years.

Of course, I can't tell whether Isis altered her appearance again or I just finally realized the other major source she drew from in order to appeal to me. If something actually changed about Isis' form, it's very subtle, as she simply looks a little more finely-detailed now.

 

Also, during one of our last chats before the parroting exercise began, she expressed to me that she doesn't think being a sister figure "fits" her. She said that she would stick by her word and continue to behave as one because of her love for me, but since I love her just as much (if not more, but let's not get into that), I refuse to let her do anything that she doesn't really want to do for the sole purpose of appeasing me. Besides eliminating a source of very awkward and conflicting feelings, I'm pretty sure nothing will really change due to our decision to revert, of course.

[NeonKnights]

Just got back from a party. I ended up making out with a girl (who professes to be lesbian, go figure) to experience the physical sensation once again, as a refresher course of sorts. Brief as it was, guilt set in real fast afterwards, even though Isis and I have an agreement that anything I do for research/general knowledge is okay.

 

I spoke with her about it once we were home, and explained that what I did fell under our agreement, and that there's absolutely no emotional attachment involved. I don't want to annoy her, so I'll assume her multiple assurances that it's alright are genuine.

 

Still in a somewhat inebriated state, I told her that I don't think I could ever love anyone else like I love her because we're "two sides of the same coin". I think I meant to tell her we're two peas in a pod or something stupid like that, but I guess what I said hits home a little better, with less cheese.

 

Thinking back, if I wasn't so drunk I could have probably used that opportunity to try using another girl as a "conduit" for physically interacting with Isis a little bit easier. Weird? Perverted? Probably, but screw it, I'm human.

 

Before all that drunken stupidity happened, though, we had actually made a huge amount of headway with establishing her presence and matching her voice with her form. After having a conversation with her and writing it down as we spoke (you're not active much anymore, but thanks for the idea, Aurora), I ran some errands, and once I got home, I genuinely felt as though I had been chatting with somebody else all morning. Hard to describe how the feeling was any different from her usual "presence", but it was hugely different.

 

Also in the news, I've been finding that at least for me, Fede's methods aren't as bad as most people seemed to make them out to be when I was starting. It's a shame, too, since all the stigma associated with Fede kept me well away from his resources for the longest time. The man might have been an ass to a lot of people, but he had some good ideas. For one, the touch imposition guide (moving hands back and forth rapidly to simulate the feeling of tangible pressure) gave me my first genuine feel of Isis' form, and really bolstered the feeling that I was in the presence of a real person. Still not very good at it, but in the immortal words of Chris Chan, "I'm workin' on it".

 

Seeing that his main tulpa guide utilizes parroting, I've begun to cherry-pick from it to see how much it helps me out. Surprisingly, it's helped a lot more than I figured it would.

 

---

 

Now that I have a little more time, I'll tack on a little more to my above post.

I had yet another very successful chat with her utilizing the same method of writing down her responses. It confirmed a lot, and really helped me talk to her without any doubts of legitimacy for hours.

 

Here's a little snippet from near the beginning of our chat, after she was initially not very responsive.

Me: Are you upset about what happened earlier?

Isis: No I'm not upset. I told you that.

Me: Good. I feel pretty bad about that, you know?

Isis: Yeah, I know. But you have to get over it. You didn't hurt me.

Me: Not the jealous type, huh?

Isis: Not usually.

Me: I love that you're so cool like that, Isis.

Isis: It's just who I am.

 

At another point in our lengthy chat she asked me if I'd get her a cake for her birthday (in two days). That caught me off-guard, but I vowed that if she wants a cake on her special day, she'll get a cake, even if I really can't afford to be spending any money on "extras" like that at this time.

[NeonKnights]

I took her to the store and she selected her cake. She's still very happy about it. I'm just as excited about her birthday as she is, actually. I'm still trying to come up with an idea for a meaningful and practical gift. I'll probably be tapping into the IRC channel for general ideas to push me in the right direction, though I want the actual gift itself to be something I think of.

 

---

 

Update: Happy birthday, Isis.

[NeonKnights]

I think yesterday represented a huge leap. I spent all day with Isis, except for ten hours where she told me to sleep because I was extremely sleep-deprived.

 

We had cake, we conversed, and we did everything her heart desired (even when doing so nearly tore me to shreds). It was grand. I worked with her to fine-tune her form for easy visualization, and I learned a whole lot more about her. I enjoyed the whole experience so much that I think I'm going to finally have the motivation to spend the 14 to 16 waking hours of my day with her every day. I'm really excited about the potential here, because up until now I've had a hard time keeping her in mind while doing anything other than directly interacting with her.

 

It's quickly becoming second-nature to just talk to her about what I'm up to every now and then. According to her, she's really enjoying all the extra attention, too. Looks like we're finally catching up with the pack.

[NeonKnights]

Isis has been increasingly devoted to her hobby as an artgirl. She drew a sketch of me earlier which turned out fantastic, though neither of us are certain if her art skills would carry over into possession. After all, it's one thing to draw an accurate portrait inside an imagined environment, but actually doing the deed in reality is on a whole different level. I've never been artistically-inclined, so it's a real toss-up. We plan to make more advances in the field of possession soon to try and find out.

 

---

 

Tried modeling our mindscape house in Minecraft in order to give others an idea of what it looks like. Of course, Minecraft sucks and we couldn't get anything to look right due to its god-awful scaling. Bleh. I'll probably try again in Doom sometime soon.

 

I picked up my guitar for the first time in a little over a year, I believe, so I could show Isis how it's played. I told her a bit about the instrument and its background, and then played her some stuff that I remembered. Up until now, I've never written a full song, so I decided to give it a try. Not sure if Isis was helping me along or not, but for once in my life I managed to get a good, basic structure going. Presently I'm taking a break from trying to write lyrics for it, which is a bit more difficult than I remembered, especially when working from scratch. I'm hoping her artistic side goes further than drawing pictures, because it would be so neat to actually collaborate with her on a song.

She warned me that I'll owe her royalties if I write a song about her, but little does she know, that's not how royalty systems work (nor would it matter, since I'd be the only one able to collect the money anyways).

[NeonKnights]

I'm having a sort of crisis regarding her form, I think. It's come down to her having a split between two forms. Normally I'd be fine with her being a shapeshifter, but the issue is that one form is basically a carbon copy of a photograph, whereas her previous appearance was completely original (with some subtle influences, of course). She has no preference, of course, so we can't even eliminate one form or the other based on her choice.

 

The problem arises in the fact that I can really easily picture her photo form, including full animation. Her other form remains somewhat blurry to me, despite having pretty accurately modeled said form out in Skyrim. We've discussed the possibility of shapeshifting between forms, but we both agree that such an arrangement probably wouldn't be ideal if we hope to get through the beginning stages of imposition. Even afterwards, her desire to be similar to a regular girl will probably interfere with her readily bouncing between forms.

 

Thankfully our communication continues to grow stronger by the day, so it's becoming a non-issue to ask for her input on the subject. It's just too bad she's every bit as lost and confused as I am.

[NeonKnights]

I guess Isis' original form won out. She's back to the way she appeared before the beginning of the month, and with a little bit of effort on behalf of both of us, she looks clearer than ever. Everything has been appearing in ultra-high detail, though some of that detail seems dependent on how hard I'm focusing on her. My favorite high-detail region has to be her eyes, with perfectly pronounced lashes bordering them and an immensely beautiful "splinter pattern" in her light blue irises.

 

Since we've both been making an effort at improving the clarity of her form, she's been much more active, as well. For instance, she hopped onto my back prior to us taking a shower, and once I managed to coax her down, she insisted that I shampoo her hair and scrub her back for her (which I did with my imaginary limbs, since I guess my brain still considers itself above hover-handing).

 

Even when I was distracted with a full bladder and severe fatigue at the concert we attended earlier, I was still able to picture her clearly, despite the fact that in my condition I couldn't hold a conversation with anyone (much less her) to save my life.

 

I'm really glad we mutually agreed on this form, since it's a very special one. At this stage, she looks like nobody else that I know, as she's drifted away from the faces which she initially took inspiration from to craft her appearance.