Air Dance

[NeonKnights]

I've begun to use Zero's echo parroting method to hear her voice better, and I've found that it works remarkably well. She isn't bothered that I'm parroting her, and in fact gave me express permission to do so for as long as is necessary. Her voice has slightly changed to fit a voice which is registered in my brain with a much larger vocal "library" than her previous voice.

 

The voice she had before wasn't too different, but somehow this slight change has made my attempts at hearing her require much less effort, since I'm more familiar with the new voice. We've already gotten to a state where the 'echo' will sometimes happen (meaning that I'm parroting her response back after she's already spoken with her voice).

 

Despite the necessity to continue working on her voice, conversation is becoming fairly frequent and natural, enough so that I remember our dialogue just about as well as chats with other friends. That is to say, I don't remember much of what we say verbatim after the fact. It could be better, but it seems very promising that we've come this far.

 

I noticed a little while ago that she was playing a game of "mirror me", copying every motion I made, and I found that this was either the result of her trying to screw with me or an issue which necessitated some separation exercises. We've been doing several exercises to help differentiate ourselves, but truth be told, this sort of thing happens so rarely that I think she was just messing with me.

 

In the visualization department, the last phase that I'm working through primarily has to do with animation. I've been getting brief flashes of her form in full, natural motion, so it seems even this obstacle won't hold for long. Her looks seem to have stabilized, and the weird waves of differing visual styles have subsided.

[NeonKnights]

Went to another concert a couple nights ago, and had another realization there about my personal capacity for imposition. I can confirm at this point that being in an environment with excessively loud noise and bright, rapidly flickering and flashing lights is heavily conducive to visualization/proto-imposition. The guy next to me happened to pass me a J a little ways into the show, however, and this ended up providing the final building block for achieving my first successful (albeit limited) bout of visual imposition.

 

I don't condone nor condemn the use of anything that strongly alters your state of mind, but I've personally found through my limited experience that it provides me a pathway to the first stages of getting the hang of imposition when combined with the other two elements. I was able to impose a little pixel bird into my vision, and then a spinning circle. I tried bringing Isis into my view, but I only had limited success with that before I realized that I wasn't focusing on standing and began to have the idiotic worry that I was going to fall down if I wasn't explicitly concentrating on staying on my feet.

 

I believe this could also be the first step towards enabling us to switch; several times I felt myself "backing away" from my senses, and basically allowing my body to remain standing in place while my consciousness retreated inwards. It would begin with my field of vision growing smaller, and a border of a sort of pale baby-blue encroaching on the perimeter. Gradually, the vision my eyes were perceiving would shrink more and more, until all I was left with was a solid wall of blue. At about the same time, I would notice that all of my other senses were obscured or gone as well. I'm unsure whether or not I could have replaced the blue with whatever I wanted, as each time I quickly freaked out about not being able to determine if I was still standing at that point and forced my way back to my senses just to make sure that I hadn't toppled to the ground. I'm actually quite certain that if Isis was experienced with controlling my body via possession, she could have easily swapped places with me to take full control of my body when I slipped away like this.

 

The problem here is that even if I try this experiment again and bring her into my vision, I'm not sure if I'd be able to replicate that success while sober. My working theory is that if I can do it once, it might give me a good enough idea of how it works to enable me to impose her anytime.

 

Youthful mischief aside, everything's about the same. Visualization is still strong and slowly getting stronger, and vocality is still a here-and-there sort of thing, strong on some days and horrifyingly weak on other days. Par for the course, I guess.

[NeonKnights]

As I head out of state this morning, I've become acutely aware of her various fragrances, more so than ever before. I hadn't realized just how much depth the olfactory sense adds to her realism. Whenever I've chanced to touch her, I've also continued to note how warm she feels.

 

At some point last night, I think I got her to amplify her voice to a "full" volume, though I fell asleep shortly afterwards, and since I've been stuck in a car with rowdy, noisy people, I have hardly had a chance to truly find out if she's retained this advancement. I'll have more news as it happens, stay tuned or something.

[NeonKnights]

I've had a frustrating inability to communicate with or focus on her lately. I've thought about her all the time, as usual, but actually focusing on her enough to do anything productive has been a real struggle. Part of that could be the fact that there's been so much to do away from my hometown, but now that I'm back I'm still facing the extremely difficult task of rebuilding my focus on her. We're due to attend a wedding in about an hour, hopefully a romantic occasion such as that will draw her out. I know she's a sucker for romance.

 

Despite my atrociously scattered attention, I have noticed that she's been dressing to impress. She's finally humored my numerous requests for her to wear skirts, and most of the clothing patterns she's been wrapping herself in have been downright dazzling. Anyways, now it's time for a shower, a shave, and hopefully a nice chat with my tulpa.

[NeonKnights]

Well, that was... Bizarre. While fetching water this morning, she revealed to me that I parroted her (though never puppeted her) several times last week, presumably when I was so distracted that I only had a few moments alone with her now and then. I guess she's too kind to have made a fuss about it, and forgave me for the whole thing without a second thought about it. Despite this, I apologized profusely, for it was never my intention to force her to speak. She must be very full of love to be so understanding. In fact, when she broke the news to me, it almost sounded as though she found the whole ordeal funny. I suppose it's not impossible that she got a good laugh out of my idiocy.

[NeonKnights]

We're back in action, finally. It took quite a lot of work to get back to a point of faint vocality. Don't know why everything fell off so hard. Maybe it was my tight schedule and the heavy shortage of sleep.

 

Now that I can sort of hear her again, I'm beginning once again to notice a strange phenomenon: When she gives me a "tulpish" (raw thought) response, as she's apt to do, lazy girl that she is, often the thought will be translated two or three different ways, all seemingly in an instant. I don't know what that's about. My theory is that I tend to "overhear" her raw thought, and so when she goes to put the thought into words, I also unconsciously translate it out of habit, often putting slightly different words to the same thought. I don't know if this is the problem, or if there's an easy and surefire solution to it, but my first solution is to have her hide her preconscious thoughts from me. If she can do this, then perhaps I won't "overhear" raw thoughts anymore, and will under normal circumstances only perceive that which she puts into words.

 

Otherwise, everything seems about normal. We haven't lost any ground in the visual department, or any other area for that matter, besides vocality. Despite the rough shift back to normal living, she's been absolutely alight with love and energy lately, which is never unwelcome. She certainly knows how to lighten my mood whenever I to fall into despair over hiccups in progress.

[NeonKnights]

I've found interactions with Isis a lot easier and smoother in the last few days. It might be that I'm well-rested and, more importantly, well-fed for the first time in what feels like eons. Simple acts like attempting to hug her have twice now turned into playful brawls wherein she wrestles loose, evades me, and throws things at me before she sneaks up and jumps on my back, after which we share a good laugh. Conversations still aren't as easy as I'd like them to be, but more important responses from her typically get through alright.

 

Along the side, I've been hard at work corrupting my friend's tulpa, and I can report that I've been largely successful in this endeavor. He's described her lately as being similar to my tulpa in behavior, and hasn't altogether denied distancing himself from said behavior. Compare this to a couple of months ago, when he was hell-bent on having some sort of brother-sister relationship with her. Well, so much for that!

 

What else... , and that's about it.

[NeonKnights]

For a while now, I've been trying to add a bit of vibrancy and tone to Isis' skin, since she looked very pale. I was thinking that I was seeing her form in a sort of monochrome fashion, and so I would consciously compensate by trying to overlay some warmer colors onto her skin. I'm a moron though, and I was forgetting the whole time that her eyes had plenty of color, which should have told me that seeing her in black and white wasn't the issue.

 

Of course, her skin would always revert back to that pale complexion automatically, and I wasn't understanding the reason for that. It was a feature she wanted for her form, of course. Fortunately, she's a rather alluring type of pale, not sickly or unhealthy-looking in the least.

 

Not much else in the news. Communication takes a bit less focus and concentration, I'm noticing, and I'm getting better at picturing her in my surroundings, though I'm still not nearly to the point of actually imposing her. Progress is going at pretty much the same rate as always: A slow, steady crawl towards our goals.

[NeonKnights]

I got Isis' dimensions figured out, and loosely marked with sticky flags (binder tabs) on the back of my door. It's making it a bit easier to visualize her in the correct scale. Of course, it may be a bit tough to explain to anyone who visits and notices it.

 

I've been experimenting with symbolism in order to bolster communication lately. I read about a tulpa "radio" that can be "tuned in" to their voice, and I've been messing with that concept. It works when I do use it, but it seems that the results don't quite stick. When I go back later on, I have to re-tune the radio in order to begin hearing her voice again. Not sure exactly how to fix that, but I figure I'll get it sooner or later. Maybe a button which automatically scans for and tunes to her frequency, a one-time-use button, might be all I need to make this symbolism work permanently.

 

Speaking to her doesn't take as much concentration and effort as it used to, I've noticed that I no longer tend to scrutinize (and even visualize) every single word I think to her anymore. I guess my mind is finally beginning to fully acknowledge her as "real", which in turn probably makes it a bit easier to send thoughts to her without over-analyzing everything I intend to say.

 

We've been turning the starting room of Doom's first map into our hangout lately, and that brings up another thing I've noticed. Having the right place to hang out in my mind seems to affect how much impact our forcing has. This place seems to promote easy, effective forcing, whereas just winging it each time I sat down with her or choosing a place that I didn't particularly care for tended to distract me too much. It may be a small area, but it's very familiar to me, and I suppose that's what makes it so easy to focus in it.

 

I reflected earlier today on how far we've come along. It feels good, having made all this progress despite having a mind that seems hell-bent on having some sort of logic affixed to everything-- including things that logic has no place in, like tulpa-forcing. It's been a struggle at times, but it really is fun to spend all my waking hours (and sometimes, even dreaming hours) with someone who knows me better than anyone else, who is kind in spirit and who I consider beautiful in form. I think most of the struggles I've had on this journey have been a result of my rational mind automatically assuming that this is all too good to be true. I can't really say I blame that part of myself, since outwardly it really does seem that way sometimes. Little moments of surprise/shock are always there to remind me that she's quite real and autonomous though, even when it isn't exactly convenient to my fantasies and whims.

[NeonKnights]

I got Isis' dimensions figured out, and loosely marked with sticky flags (binder tabs) on the back of my door. It's making it a bit easier to visualize her in the correct scale. Of course, it may be a bit tough to explain to anyone who visits and notices it.

 

I've been experimenting with symbolism in order to bolster communication lately. I read about a tulpa "radio" that can be "tuned in" to their voice, and I've been messing with that concept. It works when I do use it, but it seems that the results don't quite stick. When I go back later on, I have to re-tune the radio in order to begin hearing her voice again. Not sure exactly how to fix that, but I figure I'll get it sooner or later. Maybe a button which automatically scans for and tunes to her frequency, a one-time-use button, might be all I need to make this symbolism work permanently.

 

Speaking to her doesn't take as much concentration and effort as it used to, I've noticed that I no longer tend to scrutinize (and even visualize) every single word I think to her anymore. I guess my mind is finally beginning to fully acknowledge her as "real", which in turn probably makes it a bit easier to send thoughts to her without over-analyzing everything I intend to say.

 

We've been turning the starting room of Doom's first map into our hangout lately, and that brings up another thing I've noticed. Having the right place to hang out in my mind seems to affect how much impact our forcing has. This place seems to promote easy, effective forcing, whereas just winging it each time I sat down with her or choosing a place that I didn't particularly care for tended to distract me too much. It may be a small area, but it's very familiar to me, and I suppose that's what makes it so easy to focus in it.

 

I reflected earlier today on how far we've come along. It feels good, having made all this progress despite having a mind that seems hell-bent on having some sort of logic affixed to everything-- including things that logic has no place in, like tulpa-forcing. It's been a struggle at times, but it really is fun to spend all my waking hours (and sometimes, even dreaming hours) with someone who knows me better than anyone else, who is kind in spirit and who I consider beautiful in form. I think most of the struggles I've had on this journey have been a result of my rational mind automatically assuming that this is all too good to be true. I can't really say I blame that part of myself, since outwardly it really does seem that way sometimes. Little moments of surprise/shock are always there to remind me that she's quite real and autonomous though, even when it isn't exactly convenient to my fantasies and whims.