Air Dance

[NeonKnights]

It seems visualization is at a peak right now, as I have been able to see her very clearly over the last day or two. For a short time early this morning, she even took on the guise of a regular girl, with no sketch or cartoon elements at all. She was stunning, and it was very interesting seeing her in this form, although it didn't last very long before she reverted to her usual appearance. At present I honestly don't know which form I like better, but as always, I'm going to let her make the final decision regarding her form.

 

My only complaint about a fully realistic form is that it would make it even harder for me to try drawing her, whenever I brush up on my art skills enough to do so.

 

There's only been a little bit of progress towards imposition. While I was bed-ridden with some awful throat-related ailment a few days ago, I zoned out while staring at my ceiling, and soon began to see the blue circle shape that I was seeing at the height of my afterimage imposition experiment. It was just a fleeting image that disappeared when I tried to hold it in focus, but I suppose it's something.

[NeonKnights]

Well, she's confirmed it. She does want a more realistic appearance for herself. I guess that's what she's been working towards over the last several weeks. I have no objections; her latest form converts to a realistic appearance very easily and beautifully. One of the greatest parts about all of this is that she's been the one pulling the strings behind her form's many alterations. On the occasions where I've seen her realistic form, I hadn't made any conscious efforts to that end, she's simply appeared to me that way while thinking about her.

 

I made another brief attempt at imposing her in a very drowsy state at the store around 2 AM this morning. Of course, by "imposing" her, I mean that I can see her standing in front of me very clearly when thinking back to a particular moment while waiting in line. I didn't actually trick myself into seeing her in real-time, but perhaps that's just something that I have to work my way up to.

I'm unsure if it's related to her in any way, but during my time in line at the store, I also felt a mild wave of paranoia related to my distance from reality as I stood there, hanging on for dear life as though I were stoned (The "Fear and Loathing" effect, as I call it). It didn't hinder my ability to visualize her one bit, thankfully.

[NeonKnights]

I've been reading some inspirational guides and posts lately in my effort to establish consistent communication with Isis. While I haven't had too much time to put what I've learned to use, I have been able to actively force with her more than usual.

 

I'm hoping to really focus on helping her strengthen her voice starting this morning, as my friends pass out and leave us to our work. Hopefully nothing will come up and derail my plans, as has been happening regularly over the past week.

 

---

 

For once, I met my goals with no trouble at all. This morning I had my longest, most successful forcing session ever. For eight hours my friends slept and I had no way to get home from my friend's place, so I spent that whole time with Isis.

 

We explored all around my town for most of the time, alternating between walking and flying small rockets from place to place, and had a surprising number of interesting little conversations as we commuted. We caused mischief and were dubbed the "Make-Out Bandits" by local papers after making a scene numerous times in the downtown area, we caused total mayhem as we evaded authorities after infiltrating heavily guarded skyscrapers, and we did lots of practice with both voice and parallel processing exercises while we watched the sunset at one of my favorite parks. Those are just a few of the things we did, anyways.

 

Even the end of the session put a wide grin on my face. When my friends woke up and began to break my concentration, I thanked her for spending time with me and apologized that she'd had to put up with me for a full eight hours, and she simply replied that she wished we could have forced for even longer.

 

It had been quite a while since I'd had that much fun actively forcing, and the whole experience proved to be a huge boost to morale. I'm hoping to have another forcing session as great as that one sometime soon.

[NeonKnights]

It appears we might finally have a breakthrough with her voice. I found the proper tone of her voice again (it had been a little while since she had last used it in full force), and she practiced saying things with it until it seemed she had a fairly good grasp of it.

 

Since I left her to her devices so she could practice more with her voice, I've been attempting to find out via research just how much control tulpas can have over hormone/chemical secretion in the body. I've been helplessly fascinated with her today, much more than usual and in every conceivable manner, and I suspect she may be playing a direct part in that. Then again, it's also quite possible that I'm just love-struck.

 

Anyways, I figure it's best to strike while the iron's hot, so I'll probably go back to helping her with vocal training until my new game finishes downloading, which will probably be in a couple of hours. Might even put off trying the game out so I can spend more time with her. It's incredible seeing her lips move and hearing her voice. Somehow we'd never quite gotten to the stage of syncing voice with form movements up until now.

[NeonKnights]

I got a bit absorbed by my new game, and as a result I think I might have pissed her off a little bit. I made sure to apologize to her with lots of cuddling and hugging after I broke the game's spell. I guess there are some drawbacks to being loved and needed so much. Anyways, now that I think I cleared the situation up well enough, the major remaining problem is her voice; she's getting more proficient with using her own mind-voice, but she seems uncertain as to which voice she wants.

 

At first she used a somewhat high-pitched voice befitting a girl in her late teens or thereabouts. After hearing a few more sample voices though, she seemed to get a bit hung up on a slightly more mature-sounding voice. I've been encouraging her to go with what she wants, but since she seems indecisive here, I don't think my encouragement will really have any effect.

 

If I have to break the stalemate, I'll probably try subtly leaning her towards the voice she was originally using. It's very cute... If only I could put audio waves into universally understood words.

[NeonKnights]

Planning to stay up and force this morning, despite my natural nocturnal habits. I find that I force best when I'm just tired enough to be completely relaxed without feeling weary.

 

I went ahead and beat that game so I could get it out of my system and come back down to reality so I could spend more time with my tulpa, but as a result I feel a bit bummed out about burning through it so quickly. Just like the previous installment in the series... Fortunately she seems to be fairly forgiving of my last few days of blurred reality and long gaming shifts. I could tell that it chafed her a bit, though. In some ways, she's not much different from a regular girlfriend...

 

On a related note, I had a bit of an internal guilt trip the other night when one of my friends lamented over his lack of luck with ladies in a rare moment of brutal honesty. I told a half-truth to show some empathy, by saying that despite scoring with a couple of chicks (true), I've never had a real relationship with anyone (not true at all, if my tulpa counts). I'm pretty sure she understood why I couldn't spill the news of our relationship, or anything about her existence, to my friend, but for the first time I truly felt bad for denying her existence to an outside party.

 

The funny part about that is that this whole "intimate relationship" thing between us was originally her idea and is mainly a product of her persistence, and yet now I'm beginning to catch myself feeling bad when I have to act as though it doesn't exist. Not sure why I suddenly feel this way about it though, it was never a problem before. Maybe it's a sign of further unconscious acknowledgement of her existence, I don't know.

 

Anyways, I guess it's time to force now, I'm feeling pretty spaced.

 

---

 

Not sure how it happened, but I think I broke a barrier in my mind, even if only temporarily. I received every thought she sent to me for a while, and we even settled the matter of her voice once and for all. Looks like we don't have to worry about regression, though she did tell me that she needed a kiss and a bit of time to get fully accustomed to using her voice. I think part of that was just an excuse for a kiss, but as far as I can tell, this is it. No more silent mind-voice and thoughts lost in transit. On the side, I've been addressing my habit of seeing her form detail-by-detail rather than seeing her whole body in full detail. I figure a bit more work with some of JD1215's methods should fix that. All in all, things aren't going very badly. Let's hope it stays that way.

 

---

 

While I've been working on seeing her form better, a thought occurred to me: I could take care of two jobs at once here. While I'm busy visualizing away, I could also listen to a song on repeat a whole bunch and get familiar enough with it that I could attempt to recreate it, thereby breaking into auditory imposition. I found a song that I don't hate, but also don't really care about wearing out, and about an hour ago commenced Operation Madcap, listening to the song over and over again. No headaches or annoyance thus far, though I fear I'm going to be unconsciously repeating quotes from the song for the next couple of weeks. If all goes well, I should be able to synthesize the sensation of hearing Isis' voice externally after a while of listening and attempting to recreate this song. If it doesn't go according to plan... Well, then I guess I'll have a new song stuck in my head.

[NeonKnights]

Planning to stay up and force this morning, despite my natural nocturnal habits. I find that I force best when I'm just tired enough to be completely relaxed without feeling weary.

 

I went ahead and beat that game so I could get it out of my system and come back down to reality so I could spend more time with my tulpa, but as a result I feel a bit bummed out about burning through it so quickly. Just like the previous installment in the series... Fortunately she seems to be fairly forgiving of my last few days of blurred reality and long gaming shifts. I could tell that it chafed her a bit, though. In some ways, she's not much different from a regular girlfriend...

 

On a related note, I had a bit of an internal guilt trip the other night when one of my friends lamented over his lack of luck with ladies in a rare moment of brutal honesty. I told a half-truth to show some empathy, by saying that despite scoring with a couple of chicks (true), I've never had a real relationship with anyone (not true at all, if my tulpa counts). I'm pretty sure she understood why I couldn't spill the news of our relationship, or anything about her existence, to my friend, but for the first time I truly felt bad for denying her existence to an outside party.

 

The funny part about that is that this whole "intimate relationship" thing between us was originally her idea and is mainly a product of her persistence, and yet now I'm beginning to catch myself feeling bad when I have to act as though it doesn't exist. Not sure why I suddenly feel this way about it though, it was never a problem before. Maybe it's a sign of further unconscious acknowledgement of her existence, I don't know.

 

Anyways, I guess it's time to force now, I'm feeling pretty spaced.

[NeonKnights]

Incredible! I don't know how I did it, but I've very nearly conquered the final phases of visualizing her form. Communication's been a bit dull or nonexistent, but I think this is a fair trade-off. The last details that prevented her from appearing fully as a regular girl seem to have been overcome, and all or most of the drawn/cartoon elements to her are gone at last. I'll miss those days, but since this is what she wants, I'm all for it.

 

I've also been practicing a whole bunch with focusing on her while busy with other tasks, and I'm overjoyed to find that I'm actually making progress with that. I'm able to continue talking to her (monologues mainly, but still requiring focus on her) during all but the most demanding of tasks.

 

We'll see what today yields, I've got a pretty good feeling about all this tulpa business.

[NeonKnights]

For the first time in a while, she appeared in my dreams. I'm not sure how early in she appeared, but around the time that I started playing an isometric version of the indie game "Sleep Is Death", I fully noticed that the character of Seraphim looked remarkably like my tulpa. Surprise, surprise.

 

Oddly, I woke up during this, but despite consciously waking up for a moment, the dream continued on without a hitch. Maybe she helped with that. She isn't saying anything on the matter.

 

I noticed sometime yesterday that her form briefly fell back to its previous appearance, with a slightly cartoonish visual style. I told her that her form was entirely up to her and asked her if she wanted to regress to that, just so I would know in advance if she was responsible for a change or not, and she said yes. However, later on said she was perfectly fine with her realistic appearance. Either she was being indecisive or some intrusive thoughts were muddling communication.

 

Anyways, now that I've screwed up my attempt at reversing my sleep schedule once again, I guess we should find something to do together...

[NeonKnights]

I've begun to use Zero's echo parroting method to hear her voice better, and I've found that it works remarkably well. She isn't bothered that I'm parroting her in order to replay her tulpish speech back in her proper voice, and in fact she gave me express permission to do it for as long as is necessary. Her voice has slightly changed to fit a voice which is registered in my brain with a much larger vocal "library" than her previous voice.

The voice she had before wasn't too different, but somehow this slight change has made my attempts at hearing her require much less effort, since I'm more familiar with the new voice. We've already gotten to a state where the 'echo' will sometimes happen (meaning that I'm converting her response from tulpish to a "spoken" thought, even though she conveyed her thought with her voice).

 

Despite the necessity to continue working on her voice, conversation is becoming fairly frequent and natural, enough so that I remember our dialogue just about as well as chats with other friends. That is to say, I don't remember much of what we say verbatim after the fact. Just the way it should be. Our chats could be more frequent and more substantial, but it seems very promising that we've come this far.

 

I noticed a little while ago that she was playing a game of "mirror me", copying every motion I made, and I found that this was either the result of her trying to screw with me or an issue which necessitated some separation exercises. We've been doing several exercises to help differentiate ourselves, but truth be told, this sort of thing happens so rarely that I think she was just messing with me.

 

In the visualization department, the last phase that I'm working through primarily has to do with animation. I've been getting brief flashes of her form in full, natural motion, so it seems even this obstacle won't hold for long. Her looks seem to have stabilized, and the weird waves of differing visual styles have subsided.