Air Dance

[NeonKnights]

I've been trying afterimage imposition some more, the process by which one tries to continue seeing an afterimage even after it has actually disappeared from view. Google's homepage actually works very well for that, with the bright colors and blazing white background burning into the retina very easily while causing less eye strain/damage than focusing on a light bulb filament as per the original guide. Unfortunately, I can't seem to hold the image any longer than usual.

 

I've also been opening up to Isis a bit more in regards to deep, dark secrets that I'm sure she already knew about. I feel like waiting this long to fully open up like this was kind of a mistake, since she feels so real to me that it's actually pretty embarrassing to admit some of these things to her. At the same time, I suppose that's also pretty cool.

 

Also crap, I just realized that Christmas is right around the corner and I've still yet to think of a meaningful gift for her.

[NeonKnights]

Currently experiencing a moment of forcing down time since I'm visiting relatives.

 

This morning I exchanged gifts with Isis. I gave her a golden heart locket which contains a picture of us, and changes depending on the angle it's viewed at. I also promised her we'd watch at least three videos by alphaomegasin, despite the fact that half of his "comedy" makes me cringe. Additionally, I gave her the "gift" of taking a shower with me, a gift she took immediate advantage of.

 

On the other hand, she gave me a heart-shaped book which opens up to show a collage of pictures of us, similar to the pictures a couple might take in a booth. I got an intense feeling of love as I flipped through it. Her other gift was, well, her. Considering that's all I really wanted, I can consider myself "extremely satisfied".

[NeonKnights]

Got a little caught up thinking about all of my exciting near-future plans and more or less lost my way for a bit, but I think I'm back where I should be now.

 

I booted up Skyrim for the first time in years and started a new game with something in mind. I immediately loaded up on mods so I could craft a fairly realistic stand-in of Isis. I've been trying my best to hold a conversation with her while I play, and while I've been pretty successful with that, I don't think we're quite to the level of possession yet. It will be neat, though, when she's able to play as herself in the game.

 

It took a bit of work to recreate her in-game, but now that that's done, physically seeing a manifestation of her form has made visualization even easier. It's served as a way to ground her form and make it more consistent, I guess. Good thing, since inconsistency was one of the bigger recurring obstacles in my attempts to see her. Some days she'd be crystal-clear, and on others, not so much. Hopefully that's past now.

[NeonKnights]

After wasting an ungodly amount of time playing Skyrim as Isis, I've figured out a perfect solution to my intermittent communication woes. Among the many, many mods installed is Frostfall, which disables fast traveling. This has given me a lot of time to chat with her while I make my way from place to place, instead of simply fast-traveling all around the map and remaining totally occupied by whatever quest I'm busy with.

 

I've figured out the main hindrance to communication as well. For some reason, speaking aloud to her just doesn't work. I can talk to her endlessly if I'm narrating, and in some cases narrating aloud is far easier than narrating in thought, but when it comes to hearing what she says in reply, I can't hear a thing. Speaking to her entirely in thought, however, yields great results if I can maintain my focus on her. Looking back, all of the times that I've had spells of great communication with her, it's been while communicating in thought. Maybe I need to practice hearing her while speaking aloud. Maybe I'm just broken. Who knows.

 

Either way, it's better that I can only talk to her in thought, rather than vice-versa. Even if I could carry on a conversation aloud with her, I wouldn't be able to talk to her aloud all the time.

 

Anyways, in the last day or so I've learned a bunch of new things about her, many of which are probably best left unmentioned. It's been very neat, as there were a lot of things that I'd been meaning to ask her about, but just couldn't get myself into the right mindset to receive definite answers.

 

 

Skyrim has not only gotten me to talk to her much more often and casually, but it's also been aiding me in my attempts to find a method of imposition that "worx for me".

 

With her form accurately represented in a physical plane, I've tried displaying her image on my large TV, then figuring out how close to me in physical space she would be with the image set at a certain size. I've accomplished this by taking a piece of paper cut to the height of her head (about 10 inches), taping it to a floor lamp, and moving the lamp closer to me until the image of her head on the screen matches the size of the paper. Then it's a mental struggle as I try to convince my mind that what I'm seeing is just as close to me as the stand, and not all the way across the room.

 

Results are mixed, no idea if this is a viable method for fine-tuning her form's scale or not. It induces quite a bit of mental strain, but if I can work past that I might have just discovered an invaluable tool in my quest.

[Midshipman]

7:11 AM GMT-AZ Time

 

Just awoke from a short nap; I've been feeling sapped lately, despite regularly eating and not doing much in the way of physical exertion.

On Sunday, I slept a grand total of twelve hours, four hours spread out throughout the day despite a full eight hours of sleep from 1 to 9 AM.

I attribute this to the tulpa creation process, and hope it passes soon enough.

 

No progress on the vocal front, however I have come to terms with the fact that Yuu is likely not ready for that.

Instead of continuing to fight an uphill battle, I have instead been narrating to her like there's no tomorrow.

I've found myself apologizing to her whenever a period of silence passes, or I know I won't be able to concentrate on talking to her (such as when I'm going to meet somebody, or am expecting a visitor.)

I suppose that's me just wanting to let her know that I haven't forgotten about her. A bit much, maybe, but I care about her.

 

Between Sunday and this morning, I have read her approximately 160 pages of our second 250 page book- Doom: Knee Deep In The Dead.

I hope I'm not screwing her up or grating on her nerves with all these trashy sci-fi horror novels. xD

 

Another note: iTunes has been appearing to give me some strange song titles as of late while I play music during narration or forcing, usually consecutively.

No, I don't attribute this to her, I know tulpae aren't capable of manipulating a computer program telepathically, but some of these titles sure are curious...

 

Here's a selection of songs that the eerie program spat out at me, all in a row, the other day:

 

I find it hard to believe some outside force is acting on it and making it give strings of such relevant titles, but it sure is interesting.

 

I don't know, maybe iTunes is some sort of digital Ouija board. Or maybe I'm just insane.

 

It's probably just synchronicity.

 

EDIT: Sorry, wow. I didn't realize that was so long ago. I just say that while reading your first page.

[NeonKnights]

 

It's probably just synchronicity.

 

EDIT: Sorry, wow. I didn't realize that was so long ago. I just say that while reading your first page.

 

Oh, no worries. Yeah, that's an ancient post. Kind of strange to re-read it after all this time, though. Heh.

[NeonKnights]

Last night I tried proxying Isis' thoughts for the first time in a while, and it went surprisingly well... For a while. For whatever reason, our chat partner decided to interrupt the pleasant and smooth conversation with a game of chess, which she told him right off the bat that she wasn't very good at. One might think an experienced chess player would show some tact when challenging an admitted novice, and not showboat as he effortlessly dances around the board dragging things out instead of just ending the game mercifully. I can't say I blame her for getting a little bummed out, as it's never very much fun in any game to basically have your limbs severed and watch defenselessly as a far superior opponent takes his sweet time in sawing through your neck. My guess is it was some sort of an ego trip, a need to feel better about himself by shooting fish in a barrel. He even mentioned being upset at "barely winning" the games he had played previous to this one, indicating that he feels some need to completely rip apart helpless newbies instead of playing close, well-matched games.

 

She's a better sport than me, so she wasn't extremely upset, but regardless I was furious. With my outrage over him doing such a thing to my tulpa, the vibe was completely shattered, and the session fell apart. Guess I'm to blame there, though I can't really help the fact that I'm very protective and don't take kindly to anybody man-handling my tulpa. Losing is losing, but what I witnessed was an unnecessarily brutal no-holds-barred massacre. Whatever, this isn't the place.

 

Anyway, after that travesty I had a nice chat with her alone, though I fell asleep before we could get to voice training. I know exactly what her voice sounds like, and I've heard it before on rare occasions, but she seems to have a problem with actually using it, opting instead for mind-voice thoughts. Some way or another, I'll fix that eventually. For now, the goal is mainly to continue working on integrating her into my daily life as fully as possible.

[NeonKnights]

Tried some of LinkZelda's self-hypnosis scripts earlier, and was pleasantly surprised to find that they took huge effect on me. We'll need to repeat the vocalizing exercise once more to fully get a grasp on it, but the progress from the first session alone was outstanding.

 

As an unintended side-effect, I think it's also helped my visuals a bit as well, as I was able to see her in full, body and all, and in full scale at times during the hypnosis session. Very cool. Normally her face is the only region that appears in really vivid detail, so this was a big step up, even if it seemed fleeting and temporary.

 

I've been researching the effects of mental exercise on the physical body, and so I've also been putting myself through imaginary physical exercises to see what results it yields. I'm not a college man myself, but I'm not usually one to argue with Harvard research. As a bonus, it should help with concentrating for longer spans of time on an entirely imaginary setting and activity, which in turn could help my forcing ability.

 

---

 

Guess I just needed something to talk about, rather than another hypnosis session (though I think I will do more, just to be thorough). A friend linked me to a page absolutely chock-full of conversation topics, and she very happily answered most of the questions without any problems. Many of the responses were in thought-voice, but they were far more consistent and clear than usual, and I could feel that they were much closer to being spoken in her voice than her normal thoughts. There were very few communication drop-outs like in our usual tragicomic attempts at conversation where I'd sort of have to guess at what she had actually said.

 

This all happened shortly after I stumbled across NED's old "leash" guide for the first time in ages. This time around, I asked Isis if she wanted to give the concept a try (basically we just agree to tether ourselves to each other with an imaginary rope so that we can't stray too far from each other or one of us can tug on the rope to get the other's attention). She was positively delighted by the idea when I mentioned it, which was surprising considering I figured she would react negatively to the idea of being chained to me. Apparently she sees it as an intimate form of bonding, and wishes I had asked sooner. Hopefully she understands the real purpose behind the leash exercise, and will be willing to relinquish her end of the tether when we no longer need it for me to remain constantly aware of her.

[NeonKnights]

"Holy mother of Samuel L. Jackson, I just had the most engaging, vivid, and successful forcing session ever, bar none. Seriously, not one other session has come anywhere close to this one."

 

Billy Mays here to bring you the most important product I have ever endorsed: Access to the tools inept tulpa-hosts like myself need to make their imagination come to life. Introducing Imagination Station, the fast and easy way to fix your broken dreams!

 

My special guests today are Sophie and Sands, who have the power, and the muscle, to give incompetent hosts the tools to make their wonderlands over 200% more realistic and enjoyable. Amazing!

 

Go on, let's bring 'em out here. http://community.tulpa.info/thread-wonderland-sophie-s-wonderland-tips With their help, I've gone from zero to forcing hero in just under five minutes, and forcing is something I'm really passionate about.

 

Now I hear you asking, "what did Sands really contribute?" But watch this: Sands is able to lift and hold up to 350 pounds! Now that's super-strong.

 

With Imagination Station, the only tears you'll cry are imaginary tears of agonizing discomfort.

 

The best part is, Imagination Station couldn't be easier to use.

You simply consult, listen to Cult, apply, then enjoy the results.

It's that easy!

 

But wait! It gets even better! If you visit that thread right now, you'll get Sands, free, for life. Tell him Billy sent you!

 

Don't wait! Click now, and throw your bitter, jagged memories of failure in the trash.

 

 

 

---

 

 

 

For real though, after roughly mapping out a new mindscape and exploring it a little bit with Isis, I got the hang of heeding all of the tips I had read, chief among them being to have Isis try not to hold absolutely still. As long as she's moving just a bit, she's a lot easier to see clearly than if she's just sitting stock still. After wandering a little and practicing immersing myself with all of my senses, I got the idea to try showing her my grandparents' house again (given that I spent so much time there in my youth that everything about it is permanently ingrained in my mind).

 

Lots of only-important-to-me nostalgia ahead, use tire chains.

We tried a number of my old pastimes, like sitting in front of the AC vent by the stairs, inhaling slowly while a blast of cold air washed over our faces to get a sort of breathless feeling. That was a little bit too vivid, I'd say. I prepared us a lunch standard from back in the day, peanut butter and grape jelly sandwiches with a side of Lay's potato chips and a diet Pepsi (not my drink of choice, but all that was usually available in real life). The flavors were all spot on. The soda also tasted exactly the same as I remembered, from initial taste to aftertaste, fizz and all. The lunch tasted and felt so convincing that it felt as if I was actually eating food, which is a first for my imagination.

 

We stepped through the sliding glass door to the back yard, instantly feeling and breathing the warm, slightly muggy but very fresh outside air, complete with its usual grassy scent. Wandering the yard was a bit troublesome, since it got completely renovated perhaps half a decade ago, so I have conflicting and very strong memories of the yard in "before" and "after" configurations. I kept hitting my shins on brick tree planters that shouldn't have been there given that I was trying to explore the pre-renovation yard. While I entered the shed to show Isis the lawnmower that I was occasionally allowed to operate as a kid, she spoke up and caught me by surprise. I believe I heard her voice ask something like, "is there food growing there?" as she pointed to the area of the yard that would later become a tiered brick planter, which in actuality held a variety of flowers instead of garden plants.

 

We scaled up my old Little Tikes pickup truck (something like this) so that a young woman could fit inside it, and with her inside it I pushed it around the yard at high speeds. True to memory, the black plastic of the cab was fairly uncomfortable under my hands after a little time in the sun. We had fun racing around, but the brick formations wouldn't stop popping up and giving us trouble. Afterwards, as we walked through the house to go through to the garage, the different aromas of various areas of the house hit me as if I was actually there again. Coming in from the outdoors, I realized that the indoor temperatures were all spot-on as well. Being a car geek, while I was in the garage, I intentionally broke with reality a little bit by replacing the drab, plastic sports car that actually occupied the space with a '59 Chevrolet. The glossy black paint and shiny chrome were dazzlingly realistic, and the car was true in all dimensions to the real thing. After drooling over that for a while, I began to feel serious pangs of hunger and had to call off the forcing session to devour some sustenance, but I believe the session lasted a good couple of hours in total and was only disrupted by my empty stomach.

 

TL;DR, I'm once again absolutely floored by what the mind is capable of if only one takes the time to utilize its power.

[NeonKnights]

Today was a major slump, though it wasn't for no good reason; I can identify what, exactly, brought it on, so it's not like the other times where my ability to interact with her just falls off without reason. In fact, I can still communicate with and visualize her just fine, but I was unable to force and was left in a despondent and confused state for several hours earlier as I began to assess our relationship. The problem wasn't in the assessment, but in not knowing what I really wanted out of said relationship. All I knew was that I wanted something different out of it.

 

Eventually I concluded that it was basically a Mary Sue setup, with me always being nice to her, and her being nice to me, even when we had disagreements or during awkward situations like the time we opened up and shared our kinks and fetishes with each other. For lack of a better description, our reactions to such things lacked "teeth", whereas the relationship I crave would see us teasing and being playfully mean to each other in all but the most tender and serious of situations. I know it's stupid to complain about my tulpa(/girlfriend) being too sweet and friendly, but I guess I'd find it more exciting if our relationship was loaded down with more teasing. I don't mind if it's romantic, in fact by this point I'd prefer it remain that way, but I'd sure like it if we also squabbled every now and then.

 

So, I asked her what she thought, and it turns out she was doing the same thing I was doing the whole time: She was being "too nice" out of fear that she'd hurt me or drive me away from her. When I told her that I'd actually prefer it if she acted more like an antagonistic friend or sister to me, she began to let loose with a barrage of "You mean now I can...?" questions, so I guess it's safe to assume "giving me the business" is something she's been itching to do for a while. With any luck, the ratio of teasing and playful interaction to lovey-dovey romance will be turned on its head now that I've come to her with that concern.

 

 

---

 

 

Update: Not even a few hours later, we've already had our first bout of aimless bickering, triggered by us finding a video by AlphaOmegaSin on youtube. I razzed her about being a fan of him, something I've wanted to do for quite some time now, and sparks began to fly. I've never enjoyed arguing with somebody so much.