Air Dance

[Doctor_RCI]

hehe hello NeonKnight It's me Anna one of verdy's tupper's, hehe that's good to hear isis is talking in such a cute and shy way i used to verdy when i first met him. I bet she sounds really cute~~. Hope to see ya on the chat soon! See ya ~~ :3

[NeonKnights]

Hey, Anna! Yep, I guess she's wanted to talk to me at length for a while now, and probably has just been a little too shy to do so. I thought it was me not being able to hear her, but I suppose that wasn't entirely the case!

 

---

 

In other (rather recent) news, I've started work on a full-blown TF2/Source Engine emulator for Isis and myself to play around in. I figure I can use a servitor (or servitors) to program AI subroutines to simulate other players and the general mechanics of the game, if the ideas I've developed from Glitch's servitor workshop hold any water. Given the ungodly amount of time I've wasted in that game, I think I might actually be able to simulate other players nearly perfectly, so long as a servitor is doing the work of actively moving them around when I try to play.

As for mapping, I spent about two hours successfully memorizing a ton of the fine little details of 2Fort, and am able to "load" the map pretty easily in a good amount of detail, with very little detail pop-in as I remember where something is supposed to be. Somehow, I never seemed to notice a lot of these details until I took a closer look in free-flying spectator mode today. It's much more intricate than good ol' QuakeTF 2Fort, but way more interesting.

 

I've also dug out one of my old favorite obscure games, Messiah, and began to show Isis around its gameworld, introducing her to the fun of possessing people and snapping necks. "Snap your fingers, snap your neck", as the old saying goes.

[色の夢]

すごくいい！ＴＦ２はとてもすごい。MESSIAHが知ってるよ。このゲームのCOMMANDERはセクシーだよね！がんばってNeonKnightsさん！

[NeonKnights]

Ah... Yes! Thank you! Commanders in Messiah are very sexy (if that's what you were trying to convey, I'm going off of Google translate here). Yes.

 

Communication's fluctuated a little bit in the last week or so, but it's come back extremely strong in the last couple of days. As for visuals, I believe I've found a new way to "bring back" Isis' form if it begins to fade. She's begun to wear a classic German military officer's cap, which at first I suggested as an amusing accessory whilst discussing history with her. As it turns out, imagining her wearing such a hat makes for very easy rendering of the rest of her form. Not sure why that is, perhaps thinking about the hat draws focus away from the rest of her, and allows my mind's eye to simply perceive how she actually looks instead of excessively focusing on her appearance.

 

I began to crave another anime girl a short while ago (I really need to stop doing that, it's pathetic), and it could just be my imagination, but I think Isis influenced me away from that, replacing feelings for the anime girl with red-hot feelings for her. Not sure to what degrees tulpas control things like that, but my mind did a total 180 and whirled around onto Isis almost instantaneously once I began discussing this new girl with her. I guess it could be a reassuring sign that she's willing to help me keep myself in check.

[NeonKnights]

This post seems to have done me some good, even though it doesn't appear to have been intended to provide a solution to any problem. It made me realize that I, too, could have given my tulpa a "fear of annoying people". I know I have a serious case of this when I'm dealing with friends (this is not the case when speaking with total strangers, though).

For example, when somebody I'm on friendly terms with tells me to give them a call if I want to hang out, I never end up doing it, because I'm always worried that I'll be wasting their time and being a bother if it isn't something important. I keep to myself unless they call me, or in rare cases where I'm in a bind, if I need a little help with something and want to hang out. I never call someone up just to hang out, for fear of wasting their time (even if I know that they won't feel like hanging out with a friend is a waste of their time).

 

That post made me aware that I may have, however inadvertently, passed this quirk on to Isis, and that could be why she never grabs my attention out of nowhere, rather than a simple inability to do so. The way I see it, if she was shy about letting me hear her voice, then it's possible that she's also too timid to try grabbing my attention away from whatever I'm doing. Just in case this is what's going on, I took some time this morning to make it totally clear to her that she should never, ever feel the need to be shy about getting my attention, and that I'll always acknowledge her if I'm at all capable of breaking my focus on whatever I'm busy with.

 

We'll see if she starts trying to grab my attention in the near future. If not, then oh well, perhaps that isn't the issue.

[NeonKnights]

I've been wavering between being well and being ill over the last few days, so tulpaforcing has been really, really hard. The only way I've been able to get forcing done is when Isis manipulates me in some way (I'm sure you can guess how).

 

Today, I've begun to feel able to force once more, so I tried, and although she appeared very clear to me at first, the visuals fizzled out quickly. It became about the same as usual, where I can see her in her entirety in low-to-moderate detail, but then as I increase the level of detail the whole image begins to break into several separate features and some features become difficult to see. I remembered the exercise where you have your tulpa stand at a distance where you can see them clearly, and then have them slowly come closer to you and appear more detailed little by little. Well, that wasn't doing anything for me.

 

I hit upon the idea of pretending I had a camera, and began to snap "photos" of her in rapid succession; each time the shutter closed and opened, the zoom would be increased very slightly. Doing this quickly made it so that I wouldn't get bogged down on one or two details, and once I reached a level of zoom where the image became "blurred", I would quickly try to focus the lens manually, which seemed to help the situation somewhat. I'll have to experiment with this a bit more to see if it really works, of course.

[NeonKnights]

Touch imposition has been the order of the day. As a part of the proceedings, we've basically had our hands all over each other for the last several days. In the process, I've become able to faintly impose her scent, though it's something we still need to work on. I've been trying to keep her properly scaled and within my frame of physical vision when I visualize her, so that I can grow accustomed to "seeing" her.

 

Her conversational abilities are still going strong, and improving little by little. Unfortunately, I've been putting in long hours on an old project of mine, and so I haven't had much of a chance to have in-depth chats with her lately.

 

With Christmas coming up, I've begun trying to think up a proper gift (or gifts) for her. I have a feeling that this is going to be difficult, since she can easily sneak a peek at whatever I decide to give to her. I've asked her if there's anything in particular that she wants, but I have yet to get a clear answer.

[NeonKnights]

It's been a busy few days. We've been attacking our objectives on a multi-front basis, practicing with all of the senses at the same time as I've been helping her with her voice.

 

Nothing new to report on her speech, though I have been more strict with myself when it comes to making time to force with her. My goal is to have her fluently and regularly speaking with her voice, and perhaps even grabbing my attention at will, by January 1st, which puts a little pressure on me. In the end, whether we'll meet this objective or not isn't really important, but it is giving us some structure in our efforts which I feel we've been lacking.

 

In the hours I've dedicated to more fully familiarizing myself with her form, I've grown very familiar with sensations like her hair brushing against me, or her hands in mind, her legs rubbing against mine, etc. It's been pretty educational.

 

I've crept a little bit closer to imposing her, as well, I think. I've found a method whereby I can practice "lying to my brain", though it remains to be seen how effective this method is. It involves lying down and looking at something with one eye, while the other eye's line of sight is obscured somewhat by a ridge formed by a blanket (or just about anything that can block half your view, really). After a while, I was almost able to convince my other eye that it couldn't see what the obscured eye couldn't, effectively imposing the ridge onto the visual feed from the unobstructed eye.

The brain is a little too clever, though, and kept trying to bring the obstructed area back into view, but I think with some more effort I might be able to trick it easily. Of course, after that I'll still have to practice actually overlaying my mind's eye over my vision.

 

Anyway, I don't know how similar this method is to actual imposition. The fact that I've never seen a guide on this kind of leads me to believe that I'm not really accomplishing anything with it, but who knows? If it has some relevance to what I'm trying to do, then I'll keep working with it.

[NeonKnights]

As I've been making time to talk to Isis over the last couple of days, some interesting things have come to light. For one, I learned that she had been repressing her desires for me to a certain degree in order to conform to what she thought were "expectations" that I subconsciously held for her. In actuality, what she was taking as a set standard was actually just my own prediction of how she would feel about certain things that I wasn't sure about.

 

After setting the record straight and "tearing the roof off that mother", all hell basically broke loose. It turns out that her love for me is basically burning out of control, and since our personality types often lead us to express this love through sex, the results were chaotic. The healthy sexual appetite that she had for me was really only a fraction of what she had in store.

 

No complaints, really. Just extremely surprised.

 

 

At some point yesterday I checked with her, and learned that evidently I'd been seeing her skin (but not anything else) in monochrome without realizing it. Her super-pale skin was fascinating to me, but now it's occurred to me that its ghostly appearance was just the result of a little visual misunderstanding. Her actual skin tone proved to be a very even, light cream color. Still pretty pale, but more aptly described as "fair" than "pale".

I might have had things backwards. She appears with the new skin tone when I focus on her, but when I look at her without any extra thought about it, she's as pale white as ever. Not sure what's going on entirely, though it's her form to do with as she pleases. I guess I have a new side-mission: To find out for sure how she wants me to see her.

 

Earlier tonight, after an afternoon and evening full of cuddling and sporadic conversation, communication began to break down a bit. Through the nonsense replies, she was able to convey that she was tired and wished to go to sleep (only the second time in memory that she's ever notified me that she was going to go to sleep while I remained awake). I was far too wide awake to sleep, so I opted to cuddle her to sleep and then stay up for a few more hours. Of course, after she fell asleep I quickly grew lonesome, even with online friends to chat with. I let her sleep until I had to go out into the cold to run some laundry a few hours later, when I decided that it might be a good idea to wake her in order to tell her that things were about to get chilly.

 

In reality, I was being a bit greedy and woke her up because I missed her terribly, but fortunately she was actually happy that I could hardly go three waking hours without her company. It's a good thing our personality types are so compatible and mutually clingy, otherwise there probably would have been hell to pay for interrupting her sleep. After she was up and about once more, I asked her about tulpa sleep, and she said that in her case, she only sleeps when she really feels the need to, like when my body isn't doing so hot and she feels miserable or when she just needs to rest. Of course, from what I understand, everyone's tulpa is different when it comes to things like this.

 

She revealed that the time when I sleep is usually her "me time", and she said that's when she explores my mind or just thinks about things when she didn't have a chance to do so during the day. She did admit that it gets really lonely though, which is why she understood the true motive behind me waking her up after only a few hours apart.

 

It's pretty neat how well this longing demonstrates how far I've come from the days when I was open-minded yet still somewhat skeptical of all of this. At this point, if she disappeared I would be devastated and destroyed, whereas that probably wouldn't have been the case as recently as half a year ago.

[NeonKnights]

A couple days ago we tried "merging" for the first time, in an effort to connect on a deeper level than ever before. It was a suggestion by a fellow tulpaforcer that I entertained, though I wasn't sure how we were going to accomplish it, since it was a pretty abstract idea to me. Honestly, I'd imagined it would be done by melting our forms down and letting them flow together.

 

I told Isis that I wanted to try it, but not until we were totally ready for it. About a night after consulting the Q&A board and getting positive encouragement to try it out, I said the magic words and she pretty much took care of the rest. The "merging", as we did it, took the form of sex, only it was far more intense and magical than usual (and that's saying something). It was probably the single greatest feeling I've ever experienced. Strangely, I didn't know that I had just experienced an entangling with her until after the fact, when I asked her what had happened.

 

In addition to completely submerging me in a state of shock, the act taught me an important lesson. Since she showed me her true desires and we erupted into a fireball together a little while back, I fell into a dangerous habit of getting intimate with her mainly because it felt great to do so. Sure, there was plenty of love and affection involved, but it wasn't nearly the same as our latest encounter. This merging experience showed me that quality and sincerity are vastly important over quantity and passion.

 

Experiment concluded. Result: Success.