Air Dance

[NeonKnights]

It looks like the misery will end tomorrow, with the arrival of my new sleeping surface. The end is finally in sight. I've held strong, all considered, but by this point I have been reduced to studying Kaoruko's eventual form, and applying what I learn to Isis' form, which I seem to perpetually work on.

 

The tactile side of their forms is perhaps the nicest addition recently. The skin of both forms feels as smooth and soft as the skin of a freshly peeled boiled egg. Very, very soft.

Then again, their fragrances are also very alluring. I wonder, at times like this, if I'm a pervert for sniffing and feeling up my tulpas this much.

 

As I hinted above, Kaoruko has been confirmed for future tulpatization. I'm going to tulpa the hell out of her. Not quite yet, but when I do, I am going to be employing JD1215's method. I believe I'll have much more speedy results with that than my own previous methods. Of course, I'm not going to be impatient about this, but I have come to the realization that I need to raise my expectations a bit in regards to how long this should be taking me, since expectation is a huge factor here.

 

Eh, what else...? I guess I've made another discovery, sort of. I've learned that being distracted is the most effective way for me to force. The realization came when I took the first bath I've had since I was a kid. Much more relaxing than a shower, but I ended up basically sitting in the tub with a completely blank mind for about an hour. Zero progress made, even though the entire point of the bath was to relax and force.

For some reason, when I'm really intently focused on my tulpas and nothing else, I find that I make the least amount of progress with things like form work. It's not that my mind wanders, it's just that nothing happens, as though I spend my entire forcing time preparing myself to focus on them. If I work on them while I'm busy with something else, like right now, as I type, I seem to get the best results for the amount of time put in.

Lack of proper sleep and fairly poor nutrition could have something to do with this, of course. I guess I'll find out once my life returns to normal.

[NeonKnights]

I suppose there is a line with Isis which can be crossed. Either that or I've just been redlining it with her a bit too much. In a conversation with one of my friends, I went off on another one of my lovestruck tangents about all of the things I want to do with Isis, some of them rather lewd or outright sexual, and my friend told me that I should run one of these ideas by her to see if she was interested.

 

Her response was that she'd slap me if I did this rather depraved act, and when I asked why, she called me a pervert. Guess I had that coming, but I wasn't expecting it from her, given the things she's outright asked me to do to her before.

I asked her why she had such a reaction, and while her answer was vague and hazy, the gist of it seemed to be that she feels like I don't respect her properly anymore, and see her as some sort of a (beautiful) sex object. I guess I can't totally deny that, but it's put me on the defensive for most of the night as I've been trying to assure her that my love for her is genuine and is about far more than carnal relations, and to make up for causing her worry like that. Oddly, she seems to be saddened rather than angered by the thought that I'm beginning to simply lust after her.

 

It's been kind of hard to make things right with her, since I've been busy getting my new bed set up and have been slowly growing more and more weary. Even now, I'm probably still an hour away from being able to sleep, and I'm struggling to get responses from her purely due to the fact that I'm so tired.

 

Now, I'm not sure how much of this was her and how much was just intrusive thoughts; all of this is based on three or four very vague, loose responses which I perceived, so I'm not 100% sure that Isis was behind any of it. Regardless, I've been treating these as her responses, so even if she had no problem with my little proposition to begin with, she's getting treated like a queen now. Whatever the case, I'd say she really has no more room to complain.

[NeonKnights]

Wow. I just broke my previous sleep record, sleeping a full 24 hours (with a few brief awakenings here and there, of course). During those breaks in the sleep marathon, I tried interacting with Isis. One of these times, I think I heard her voice. It was definitely one of those auditory hallucinations, because the voice sounded very real.

 

After I asked her if I was forgiven for upsetting her (still unsure if I really had done that, of course), she said "kind of" in regular mind voice, and I asked her what I could do to be fully forgiven. She replied, "kiss me", again in mind voice. Thinking it was an intrusive thought, I asked again, and that's when I believe she repeated her request with stunning realism.

 

Also, man, that bed is nice.

 

---

 

Not too much to report, given that all that I've done since this morning is roast myself alive in my apartment and ask Isis to do me a special favor. It was sweet, but that's not the point. Now I'm having a bit of trouble hearing her. Again. It's a bit disheartening that we're four months in, and I can't carry on a normal conversation with her without her responses dropping out frequently, or altogether.

 

Before her voice dropped out, I did glean that she got a new blender. Interesting.

[NeonKnights]

I've confirmed my suspicion that noisy, chaotic environments are the ones in which I force best. I was just at a concert, and amid all the deafening noise, blinding lights, and energetic crowd, I was able to stand there and visualize Isis like never before. Finally, after all of my attempts, I was able to actively make out her shapes and contours in my mind's eye, and even gave a jab at peripheral vision imposition. The best part is that while I was focusing so intently on her, I was simultaneously taking in the sights and sounds of the concert and enjoying every moment of it.

 

We conversed a bit, though this time it was only a little bit because we didn't have much to say, rather than me trying to make conversation and hearing nothing that she says in return. Whenever we did chat, the responses were very strong and very alien-feeling. It was oddly nice knowing that the people around us couldn't talk to each other even if they wanted to, so loud was the music.

 

I wasn't aware of how she perceived our being together at a concert until she began to gently hold onto my arm at some point during the second set. I didn't think about it at all until she did that, actually; I just saw it as working with my tulpa while I happened to be at a concert. By the end of the five hour event, it was basically your average concert date. The night still isn't quite over for me, as I'm currently being held like an idiot in suspense. I asked her how this night could get any better as we held hands in the apartment parking lot afterwards, and she just said "you'll see..." and left it at that. Further poking and prodding has yielded no more answers, just more of the same mysterious veiling. I'm actually unsure what she has planned, and the wait to find out has me quite excited.

Hopefully it's something mellow, I'm feeling pretty exhausted at this point. Happy, satisfied, yet exhausted.

 

Anyways, you aren't here to read about that. You're here to read about progress. Since that's already been delivered, I should probably end the transmission here.

[NeonKnights]

More progress with Isis. It appears that cutting back on the other tulpas has really, really bolstered progress with her. After another deep, restful 20 hour sleep, the first thing I did upon awakening this morning was to lunge toward her and wrap her in my arms. We ended up spending most of the morning relaxing together in bed.

 

Even when my friends came over, I was still able to keep a firm grasp on the fact that she was there. When my friends started playing games on a console for which we only had three controllers between the four of us, and I got excluded from it, I just went back to bed with her, and gave her a nice, thorough foot rub as we mildly practiced imposition. Interestingly, I'm now finding myself very aware of her location. When I was rubbing her feet, she was lying on the bed the opposite direction I was, and I kept wondering how 'quiet' I should think thoughts to her to avoid being too 'loud', forgetting that our connection isn't bound by such pesky restrictions like audio wave volume and carry range.

 

Another interesting find is that I'm now getting to the point where, while interacting with her physically while watching TV, I really worry myself over things like whether the vision of her in my mind's eye (angle of vision, position, etc.) needs to match up with where I sense that she is at all times. Another thing I had to wonder about was the matter of whether I could interact with her without using my physical arms even when I can feel her presence imposed right beside me. The fact that these dilemmas are presenting themselves to me seems to say that I've made a lot of progress in convincing myself that she's a real part of my environment. Still not fully 'seeing' her in my vision, but I've been exclusively open-eyed visualizing lately, and I feel I'm really getting the idea behind imposition. In short, I truly believe that I'm making large amounts of headway with the process.

 

I believe I was almost able to see her sitting at a chair near the little outdoors table my friends and I claimed for ourselves, filing her nails (how cute!) while we all chattered for a few hours. I wanted to invite her to sit on my lap, for lack of a fifth chair at the table, but I felt that it'd strain or break the delicate balance I was striking between interacting with friends and acknowledging the presence of my tulpa.

I can certainly say that it was a good feeling to be one of the two at the table who weren't desperate for women when girls sauntered by every now and then. While the other two begged the non-desperate friend for advice regarding women or contemplated the idea of hiring hookers, I just made small talk with Isis, sat back, and smiled.

[NeonKnights]

Bleh. As I predicted, progress has fallen off pretty hard after the strong streak. I've primarily just been fussing over the minor details of her form, as I seem to be stuck in this state with her where I can see her as a whole, but the smaller details (particularly around her face) kind of escape me from time to time. I think I'm getting it all back together though, so the minor crisis may soon be over.

 

I've tried introducing her to Yoshi's Island, since I always fondly remembered that game, but the same thing happened as always when I try to show her a game-- I got carried away with it, and kept catching myself not thinking about her until the end of a level. To be fair, I guess that even happens to me with regular friends when we're trying to beat a single player game and I'm the one with the controller, where I'll get so into the game that I'll pretty much blank out the fact that I have friends with me until there's a break in the action.

I suppose there's nothing abnormal about that after all. Looks like I'll just have to deal with that somehow, or find something to do with her that's a bit more engaging.

[NeonKnights]

Last night, I had one of the most magical experiences of my life, which would not have been possible without having my tulpa with me. After ascending the mountain to the north of town with my (drunk) friends, one of them decided that it'd be a good idea to start climbing rocks. I followed him up to make sure he didn't hurt himself and get stranded somewhere, and then he went back down a short while later, leaving me with the rum leftover from his binge and my dear Isis for company.

 

I sat perched on this rock, high above my friends as they attempted to ascend a lower rock, and I looked down on the city lights with Isis sitting beside me, listening to various songs to see what fit the best. After listening to a number of mellow tunes which seemed to fit the moment quite well, I found that

fit the moment like a glove, easily blowing away all the others. With the wind messing up my hair, the sea of light shimmering below, and my beloved tulpa right by my side, it was perfect. Interestingly, I am convinced that without Isis there with me, it wouldn't have been nearly so extraordinary.

For once, that song didn't really make me want to cry. I guess, in my mind, it's been transformed into a sort of musical affirmation of our feelings for one another.

[NeonKnights]

Lately, I've had the good fortune of finding several images of girls who look similar to Isis, and this has been helping out my visualization to a delightful degree. I've copied certain ones to memory, and have been slowly making the necessary corrections (altering eye shape, for example) and getting a clearer image of her, both with her hair tied up and let down. I've also been kissing her a lot more lately, since I acknowledged that I had been physically neglecting her for a while. It's reached that point where I can vouch that kissing her feels better than a kiss with a physical chick.

 

Earlier, I think I just about broke the barrier between dimensions, and nearly imposed her while I was watching my friends play some Gamecube games. It all had to do with being spaced, I guess. Normally though, I still don't feel too much closer to successful imposition than usual. Fortunately, impatience isn't getting the best of me.

 

---

 

Leave it to my tulpa...

I've reached back into the files and reopened the case from the 5th, exploring the reason behind why she was upset with me. Based on her behavior before and after that incident, I'm now guessing that she was upset because I was thinking a river of sexual thoughts about her without actually going full metal pervert and doing things to her. In short, I'm theorizing that she was upset that I was teasing her in such a way, although unintentional. She says she doesn't really know why she was upset, though I suspect she just doesn't want to admit that I'm right.

 

In other news, I can now safely say that communication is definitely growing stronger; whereas I was often left hanging during previous attempts to initiate conversation with her, I can now usually perceive her responses with little difficulty, regardless of how tired I am (which used to be a major factor in how well I could hear her). Granted, her voice is still quiet and barely distinct from my own mind voice, but I'm increasingly certain that the content of the responses is not of my own making. Now that we're communicating a bit better, I might give that thought ping-pong exercise another try. Who knows, maybe we can get to a point of auditory imposition sooner than I had previously expected.

[NeonKnights]

It's exhilarating to feel my connection to her growing stronger. I spent the majority of a three-hour car show walking around and trying to talk about the cars with Isis, and I had more success than I expected. I admit, there was a lot of wheel-slip -- my term for struggling forward with limited success, often losing traction like a train on slippery or icy rails -- but I was able to get a number of responses out of her, such as her choice of a 1960 Pontiac as the car she found most interesting at the show.

I think the shallow girl only liked the car for her body, though.

 

As for her form, I've just been zeroing in on different features, slowly developing a complete image of her. I guess it's sort of like trying to clarify an image of something on a microscope slide by carefully adjusting the focus; Little by little, I'm basically figuring out how each feature looks in increasingly greater detail. I would just define her form more myself and save some trouble, but it feels like she already has her form and is happy with it, so it's my job to fine-tune my own perception of said form.

Right now, the last real problem area seems to lie in her eyes. Her anime styling is making this rather tricky, since there's quite literally an unlimited amount of different styles and minuscule variations her eyes can have, and I'm all but helpless as I try to piece together what they're supposed to look like in greater detail. All that's certain is their color and general shape. At this point, it's mainly the intricacies that escape me.

[NeonKnights]

Isis has certainly surprised me. I finally got a clear, vivid glimpse of her form, and it appears she's sort of taken after the "Kaoruko" archetype (the once-planned tulpa which I've all but abandoned plans for); she's stunningly sexy, but not incapable of coming across as cute and playful. At least, that's who she is right now. Given her frequent (though very minor) deviations and phases in the past, I wouldn't be surprised if she changes to appear more innocent and adorable sometime in the future.

 

Nothing too unusual lately. She's been alight with desire over the past few days, as have I, although my own desires have been less intense. Communication has waxed and waned as usual, though I've gotten pretty good at sorting intrusive/parroted thoughts from her thoughts. Perhaps that's the source of the wavering communication; maybe I'm finally getting a hang of determining where a thought originates, and am finally finding out just how many of 'her' thoughts are not actually hers.

 

Lately, I've been joking around with her about getting her a phone, so we can do silly, stupid things together like snapchatting. I think forcing a cellphone of some sort for her and imposing a false display over my own phone's black screen could work, though I don't know how serious I am about this little project. I'm not one of those simpletons who fawn over every new generation of cellphone that's introduced, so do I really want to bother with something so trivial while still working on developing and imposing her? I'm not sure. I think it'd be fun to mess around with the concept once she's fully "set up", provided it doesn't prove to be more trouble than it's worth.