Silrain the Everlurking

The adventure continues... (Somewhat Daily Journal of an Everlurker)

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Introduction

 

I'll be posting my story thus far. I'll more than likely have questions on here from the experience. Also being new to this I would really appreciate any tips, suggestions, answers to questions, or even comments and sharing of related or somewhat unrelated experiences. As much as I try and cast aside my doubts, one keeps coming back no matter how many times I feed it to the flame in the void. That doubt being "Am I doing this right?" So Yeah, I would appreciate it, and thanks in advance for those who take the time to read through the possible Walls of text.

 

I did a fair bit of lurking and research when I started, though I feel I may have jumped in like many. I didn't really keep a journal though until about 10 days into the process so the first 10 days mainly what I could pull from skype chats I had with my friend who got me started. It's not till after that point that the entries become more journal like and Specific.

 

I'll just get this out of the way now Yes my Tulpa is a pony Tulpa. The sketch I pulled out was of some OC I drew, but never finished or drew too much of. An earth Pony about Shoulder height comepared to myself (so about Fleur de lis/cadaince/luna sized). At the time I was reading the wheel of time books, still am, Perrin is my favorite character. So.. Yellow eyes. Serene Melody was the name I was throwing around at the time I drew it. Played around with that name and Started going with Melody, (Melony?) And found myself Liking and sticking with Mel. Now that you've all had your groan and face palm and gotten that out of your system I'll continue...

 

 

Tuesday July 2nd, 2013

 

I don't really sleep much, so the day before I spent reading guides and doing some research and at the time it was almost 1 am. I'm finally ready to start. I look through sketches and drawings and find a character with no background, little to no personality and not even any color yet. I start with personality on my first forcing session and introduce myself and start listing personality traits to start off with. This goes around 40 minutes or so (only know that because of the skype call) I wasn't sure how I did, I kindof felt like I was going around in circles accidentally repeating some traits. But it was almost 2 am and I had class in a few hours so I decide it to call it a night

 

The whole day she's always on my mind. I'm constantly talking to her and directing my thoughts to her and using the "Assume they're already sentient" mindset. I got to the technical college I go to and realized I was late for class. I apologized that I had to shift my focus on getting to class and I got a thought that surprised me and didn't feel like my own. It said "Keep me in mind." Throughout the day I'd get flashes of a grey mare with a blond mane and tail with Yellow eyes. Either smiling or reacting to questions and narration.

 

At one point during the day I guess I started my wonderland, A grassy hill with a tree on it with a good view of the stars. Later on in the evening around 8pm I listened to Quadrophenia by the who and tried to visualize and Hang out with Mel in the wonderland. I eventually fell asleep. I was getting headaches and head pressure all day long.

 

 

Wednesday July 3rd, 2013

 

Again Today I spent my free moments and any time I could spare while not in doing classwork, passively forcing or narrating. I attempted hanging out in the wonderland with Mel while listening to music before class started. During the break I dropped back into the wonderland and found that the tree now had a swing on it. I spent the Rest of the break Pushing Mel on the swing. I ended up taking the bus home. I failed to pay the full bus fare when getting on and the bus driver started making a little scene out of it. I could feel the eyes of the other bus riders on me as I stumbled to the back of the bus. I put on my headphones and the Wheel of Time audio book and retreated into the wonderland where I got a comforting hug from Mel, I wasn't expecting that, but I wasn't against it either.

 

Finally I'm on the second bus and I'm getting off at the stop closest to home. I appreciated that Mel seemed to be trying to comfort me, Without thinking I Asked her if she wanted to walk back home with me and that I'd appreciate the company. I believe I got a nod or some confirmation, I can't quite remember what it was because I wasn't keeping the journal at the time. As I walked home I tried to start small and visualize at least just her legs as she walked behind me. At one point I could have sworn I heard hoofsteps, but it was just my water bottle tapping something on my backpack as I walked. I tried to visualize it the whole way back, It was tough though.

 

This is where something interesting happens (question in here maybe if anyone knows the answer) Later after I got home, I started trying to force by working on form some more, occasionally waking with a start when a neighbor just couldn't wait for the 4th of July and launched their loudest fireworks early. While forcing I seem to have drifted off into a sleep or what seemed like sleep while in my wonderland. Except I was awake and forcing, or was I? I was in my wonderland but I saw myself asleep on the grassy hill where it looked like Mel had pulled a blanket over me while I slept, but at the same time I didn't feel like I had physically fallen asleep. It seems that about 44 minutes had passed judging by the skype chat while I was in that state. I came to confused barely even remembering what I trying to force or working on.

 

For dinner that night We had real T-bone steaks, it must have been months if not years since we've had them. I figured I'd bring her one. During visualizing at one point I gave her canines. It was on of the things I had planned for the sketch. Whelp, Those steaks I swear were as big as my face if not bigger. She ate the whole damn thing O_o I wish I had an appetite like hers again, I wasn't even able to eat half of one.

 

 

Thursday July 4th, 2013

 

I’m kindof just all over the place I attempted to do some imposition to see if I could will my senses into actually feeling Mel when I held her Hoof at 2 am that morning. Wasn't able to get much, it was pretty tough, but it was 2 am, I figured maybe I should go to bed and try again later. Was the 4th of July today, I think I spent it reading guides and playing video games with Mel right by me. Then when it got dark we went out to light some fireworks. Followed by more video games. By this point I've gotten into the habit of trying to visualize Mel around me in hopes that maybe it'll be taking steps towards inposition. Before going to bed I told Mel to Surprise me by adding some water feature to the Wonderland While I was showering to get the smell of gunpowder and smoke out of my hair. I came back to the wonderland to find a trapdoor leading to an underground spring with a waterfall (Why a waterfall? Because waterfalls are cool)

 

 

Friday July 5th, 2013

 

Seems that I was Forcing into the early hours of the morning again trying to impose on my senses trying to Use the feeling of small sections of my still damp hair to use as what Mel’s still damp coat would feel like. (Mel Uses the underground spring for bathing). Don’t know if it got anywhere though. Not much else that I can remember except maybe some feels from the walking dead game from watching my brother play it later that day. Mel seems to be getting more comfortable around me. She asked if she could sleep in my bed with me kindof like a young child would ask a parent. (It's kindof become normal, is that wierd?)

 

I believe it was also this day I went and asked Mel to surprise me. It was kindof like a "what Just happened" moment. I guess first I saw a picture of her making a scary face then she tackled me down what seemed like a playful tackle hug then I saw her crying? Then when I hugged her back she smiled almost slightly playfully making fun of me. I have no clue, but I guess I was surprised O_o Even today I don't really know what happened. Seemed like a mix of different emotions.

 

 

Saturday, July 6th, 2013

 

Did my usual thing of staying up to the early hours of the night. Not very much that I can really remember from this day… Just attmptign some forcing in the early hours of the morning.

 

 

Sunday July 7th 2013

 

Nothing I can particularly remember, but most likely the usual.

 

 

Monday July 8th and Tuesday July 9th, 2013

 

Nothing really of note or at least that I can specifically remember.

 

 

Wednesday July 10th, 2013

 

Added a kitchen to the wonderland. Decided to try and make some Curry for Mel for dinner. I remember the recipe and how I made it a few times in real life, Figured why not? I Figured as well I’d try to use a game to try and work on forcing to try and hear Mel’s voice better and clearer. A sort of Parapa the rapper type repeat after me game. (Punch kick, it’s all in the mind…) My friend also suggested to try visualizing Mel as I try to hear her talking to me. Why didn’t I ever think of that? Also read through more guides and threads. Some of which took a load off of my mind with my doubts and fears.

 

 

Thursday July 11th 2013

 

Another day in illustrator class. Today I asked Mel What she wanted for lunch. She asked for A dandelion, ham and Cheese sandwich on multigrain bread. Toasted the bread and melted the cheese for her. A chicken salad sandwich for me, it was spicy, I wasn’t expecting that, Gave Mel a bite of it. Had band practice then things slowly started going a little downhill afterwards…

 

No one wants to hear any bitching, so we'll just say that I just got back home only to have to get out and clear my head. I went for a walk and brought Mel with me. Again with the audio book I walked to the school and the playground and sat at the bottom of a slide with the audio book. I was glad she was with me, I didn't feel alone like I have in the past when I've had to go on a walk to clear my head. After two or so chapters of the audio book, I started waking back home and switched to music Figured I'd try and sing with some of the songs and encourage Mel To sing along with me. I only heard her voice through bits and pieces of the songs, but when I did hear her voice harmonizing with mine, I'm not sure how to explain it, but I felt stronger if that makes sense, less alone, like she was supporting part of the weight I felt at the moment. The walk back home was slow despite being not that far at all. I was just in a daze the whole time. I felt numb, but with Mel by my side it felt like I was kept from going mad. I spent the walk back talking to her about the what was causing the heavy feels, at this point I didn't even care, I was talking out loud to her. At one point I saw in my mind's eye Mel was hugging me around my neck and resting her head on my shoulder. Being in the daze I was in I could feel her weight pulling me backwards if I stood still.

 

She really helped me out. There would be other times where I've had to get out and clear my head, but in the past it's never really worked, I've only gotten back from the walk either angrier or more upset than when I started the walk. This time was different. As I walked in my daze I took in all the sites of the trails. I've lived here for a good part of my life and been through the trails, but not once have I ever seen the trails like this. The light of the setting sun breaking through the trees casting the shadows of the leaves dancing in the wind. I feel really bad for Mel, For filling her with all those negative emotions. As I was getting closer to home I saw in my mind's eye Mel holding my arm perhaps comforting me. Unconsciously, I reached out my hand and held her hoof all the way back.

 

 

Friday July 12th, 2013

 

Every day I do plenty of passive forcing, but always have trouble getting myself to sit down and active force. I've also been feeling tired a lot more lately, Could be that I just don't sleep or that I'm just not use to using my brain like this or even a combination of the two. Today was just the usual. After Dozing off while trying to work on Illustrator homework I decided to just take it easy and lay in bed and listen to the audio book. I felt like I should get up and get back to work, but I saw Mel laying with her front legs holding me down looking at me with a smile that was saying "No just relax now and listen to this audio book, you can work later." I dozed off again. Mel let me get back up after I woke up.

 

 

Saturday July 13, 2013

 

Came up with two Methods to try and get rid of doubts and second guesses. Played a show today at a Brewery. Some time after our set whiel loading up equipment, I heard in my head first My little Bassplayer, then remembering a comment someone told John “Your bassplayer is so Mysterious” I heard “My mysterious Bassplayer” it was followed by a Hug from behind as I kept walking, I replied “My little Melimare… Well, not so little I guess…” Despite breaking a bass string and accidentally hitting a drum loop button in the middle of an acoustic song no one seemed to notice.

 

Before leaving the brewery I laid in the grass and closed my eyes and attempted some forcing while I listened to the last band play. I tried to visualize Mel lying down in the grass next to me, both of us resting our heads on the case of my bass guitar. She seemed to be sleeping and didn’t stir when I looked over at her, but did slightly when I directed a thought towards her. I called her name, she woke up, Yawned and moved closer and went back to sleep. I continued forcing and visualizing until I was woken up by my phone ringing.

 

The first of two methods I used just seemed really flashy just as a result of my mind wandering too much while planing on a visual or symbolism to get rid of my doubts. The second method is one that I've used more as not only a method of of getting rid of doubts, but also as a way to practice visualizing. I can write it out if someone wants.

 

The second method is a little simpler:

Mel or I would light a fire while in the Void. I would then sit in front of the fire and hold my hands up to it and imagine myself feeding my doubts and second guessings into the fire. As I fed the the fire it would warm the void. The warmth symbolizing optimism as a result of burning the doubts.

 

 

Sunday July 14, 2013

 

I attempted the void and flame technique to get rid of some lingering doubts I may have missed. I could feel the warmth of the fire on my hands, I could actually feel it. This felt like a step in the right direction To be able to will (or delude) my senses into feeling heat on my palms. After the session of feeding my doubts into the flame, Mel Reminded me that I should work on my illustrator project. I agreed, then I heard her say “I’ll be here.” Whether it was intentional or not, by saying that she burned away a doubt that I’ve had and may have missed. I would often times feel like she wasn't there when I would have to shift my focus to something else then I would go to questioning if she was there or not. After she told me she'd be there I started thinking to myself, that just because I'm not thinking of someone, doesn't mean that they aren't there. For example when I'm at school I'm not thinking of friends or family if I'm busy in class, but that doesn't mean that all of a sudden they stop existing.

 

Wow, Running out of space for this post still got 4 more days till I'm caught up to where I am currently in my journal. Sorry about the lengths of some of the posts, I try my best to revise the entries from the journal and try to get right to the point. Again I'll appreciate any tips, questions, suggestions, advice comments, or even sharing of related/unrelated experiences. (as a lurker I enjoy reading the experiences of others as well) Continuing on the next post (could take a bit to get caught up)

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Monday July 15, 2013

 

Sunday and Monday kindof overlapped since I did the usual thing of falling asleep at 2-3 am due to reading Reading some of the guides and trying to figure out what to force and where to start forcing again. Mel said to me “You should go to bed” Whelp, being either 2 and having to wake up in a few hours, it was probably the best thing to do. Around 5 or so hours later I woke up, got dressed and made a quick breakfast for myself and Mel, then headed off to the technical college.

I got to the campus 1 and a half – 2 hours early. I decided to try some preforcing meditation with some very mellow music. It almost went from forcing to all out daydreaming. At one point I was in the void, then the next I was falling backwards through the clouds Mel Falling with me as well, but it wasn’t scary or panic, We were at peace and the falling wasn’t phasing us at all. Eventually as we go close to a “ground” it wasn’t ground at all, but water or some liquid we could breathe, the splash where we landed, the liquid twisting and forming shapes as we sank beneath the surface facing the sky we had just fallen from. The outline of an upside down City Street around us making it look like we were raising as we were sinking deeper. I look and see Mel sinking deeper along with me feet facing up towards the surface, Her Gorgeous long mane and tail flowing as if underwater. The song ends and I come to sitting at tables by the class. I look around and see one of my classmates still waiting, there’s still quite a bit of time before class starts. I put on a second song and close my eyes. I end up in another daydream.(I’m only really able to remember bits and pieces of this one.) I’m running through the void now, I see pillars and arches to my left and right suggesting that I keep running forward. Occasionally I run and break through glass or something like it, but without getting cut. Finally I see a light, I step through it and I’m outside. I’m not too clear if it was at the top of a ledge, giant flight of stairs or the top of a hill. Mel is right behind me. For some reason or another we take a few steps back and run forward and jump off. That’s the last of the daydream I can remember. The song ends and I come to again. This time when I look around the room and everyone is gone, I check the time on my phone and see it’s almost 10. I head to class, luckily not late for class.

Not much interesting happened during class. I guess Mel Liked the chicken salad sandwich from the last time. When asked what she’d like for lunch she asked for one.

I felt that my mind drifted too much and it started feeling like I was doubting myself again so after class ended I decided to try feeding that doubt into the flame in the void. There was a breeze out and in the shade it was a little chilly for some reason. I fed the flame with my doubt in the void as I tried to focus on feeling the heat from the flame on my palms I managed to feel it here and there and I was in the shade so it wasn’t the sunlight warming my hands. At one point I felt the side of my face warm and received an image of Mel hugging me around the neck with the side of her head slightly against mine. Am I starting to be able to feel her body heat? Regardless, of whether that was it or not it gives me hope and confidence that I’m likely doing something right (note for myself, I was in the shade and the breeze was rather chilly, It couldn’t have just been the sunlight)

Afterwards I distracted myself with the 3DS for some time, Followed by more forcing. I put on more super mellow music from youtube on my phone and closed my eyes and began the mental camera flash method for Visualization. I was surprised at what I saw on the first flash. I saw Mel’s face clearly smiling back at me. Long blond mane, grey coat and amber eyes looking back at me. I continued using the mental camera flashes and seeing the rest of her body after a few flashes, but the face now in focus and showing up rather than blurred by the void. Most notably I saw an irritated expression as the music lagged and stopped constantly because of a bad connection.

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Monday July 15, 2013

 

Sunday and Monday kindof overlapped since I did the usual thing of falling asleep at 2-3 am due to reading Reading some of the guides and trying to figure out what to force and where to start forcing again. Bringing it up to Mel what the plan would be for the next time forcing, she just replied with a "You should go to bed." It was probably the best thing to do since it was 2 am and I had class in a few hours. Around 5 or so hours later I woke up, Got ready to leave, then headed off to the technical college.

I got to the campus 1 and a half – 2 hours early and decided to try some preforcing meditation with some very mellow music. It went from forcing to almost all out daydreaming. At one moment I was in the void, then the next I was falling backwards through the clouds Mel Falling with me as well, but it wasn’t scary or panic, We were at peace and the falling wasn’t phasing us at all. Eventually as we go close to a “ground” it wasn’t ground at all, but water or some liquid we could breathe, the splash where we landed, the liquid twisting and forming shapes as we sank beneath the surface facing the sky we had just fallen from. The outline of an upside down City Street around us making it look like we were raising as we were sinking deeper. I look and see Mel sinking deeper along with me feet facing up towards the surface, Her long mane and tail flowing as if underwater (well I guess we were underwater). The song ends and I come to sitting at tables by the class. I look around and see one of my classmates still waiting, there’s still quite a bit of time before class starts when I check my phone's clock.

 

I put on a second song and close my eyes. I end up in another daydream.(I’m only really able to remember bits and pieces of this one.) I’m running through the void now, I see pillars and arches to my left and right suggesting that I keep running forward. Occasionally I run and break through glass or something like it, but without getting cut. Finally I see a light, I step through it and I’m outside. I’m not too clear if it was at the top of a ledge, giant flight of stairs or the top of a hill. Mel is right behind me. For some reason or another we take a few steps back and run forward and jump off. That’s the last of the daydream I can remember. The song ends and I come to again. This time when I look around the room and everyone is gone, I check the time on my phone and see it’s almost 10am. I head to class, luckily not late for class.

Not much interesting happened during class. I guess Mel Liked the chicken salad sandwich from the last time. When asked what she’d like for lunch today she asked for one.

 

I felt that my mind drifted too much and it started feeling like I was doubting myself again so after class ended I decided to try feeding that doubt into the flame in the void. There was a breeze out and in the shade it was a little chilly even for a sunny day. I fed the flame with my doubt in the void as I tried to focus on feeling the heat from the flame on my palms I managed to feel it now and again. I was in the shade so I know it wasn’t just the sunlight warming my hands. At one point I felt the side of my face warm and received an image of Mel hugging me around the neck with the side of her head slightly against mine. Again, I made sure I was in the shadow where it was chilly and it wasn't just the sunlight. Hopefully this a step in the right direction to being able to feel Mel's body heat and eventually imposition with my sense of touch.

 

Took a bit of a break for a while then followed it up with more forcing. I put on more super mellow music from my phone and closed my eyes and began the mental camera flash method for Visualization. I was surprised at what I saw on the first flash. I saw Mel’s face clearly smiling back at me. Long blond mane, grey coat and amber eyes looking back at me. I continued using the mental camera flashes and seeing the rest of her body after a few flashes, but the face now in focus and showing up rather than blurred by the void. Most notably I saw an irritated expression as the music lagged and stopped constantly because of a bad connection.

 

 

Tuesday July 16 2013

 

Nothing much out of the ordinary today so far… Well other than having a shoulder high, blond-haired, grey mare, with golden eyes that seem to take in what little light found in the darkness and reflect it back at you living in your mind. Pretty normal day so far.

 

After school I had band practice. We got another microphone or mic stand that works so I got to use it for when we’d do harmonies and the backup vocals. I would try and have Mel sing backup with me. I could see her mouth moving, but I don’t know if I could really hear anything mindvoice or otherwise. I could have been stretching my mind a little thin though so I think it’s a little understandable, Playing, singing (even if just a small backup part) and trying to visualize Mel and listen for her voice.

Been really sleepy all day, morning I fell asleep during a little section of the class. Seems like Mel remembered what we were talking about after I fell asleep the previous day though, I got a sharp headache and was able to then stay awake until the break. I was good for the rest of the class after I walked around and got some lunch. It seems I was tired all day though. Finally got home after band practice and wasted time and did nothing productive, until I decided to try and force some in the evening. I put on an Anoushka Shankar album and tried to do some visualization and fell asleep early…

 

 

Wednesday July 17, 2013

 

...I was at a mall with Russ (my band's Guitarist); apparently a band I liked was playing a secret show. I didn’t have the money for a ticket, and Russ managed to get one of the last ones. John (our Drummer) showed up late and disappointed we didn’t get there in time, we left Russ to go enjoy the show while we wandered the mall. At a shop I set my backpack down and turned around to see two people trying to start a fight with John. I cut in asking what was going on as intimidating as I could manage. They turned and proceeded to start a fight. Grabbing the closest one by the arm it took an effort to finally throw him to the ground, he was heavy. As I was about to kick him in the stomach I woke up in my bed, a strong feeling of anger in my chest and a rather big headache. I groggily looked at the clock and saw it was 2 am. What the hell was that? I've had dreams like that before, but never felt like I was feeling at the time. I didn't feel angry during that last part of the dream. Could that be considered a strong Emotional response?

 

I ended up getting two hours to try and force after class was done since it got out earlier. I don’t know how well I did though. My mind would wander, but at least I caught myself when it did. Maybe I need to be a little more optimistic. Perhaps another session with the flame in the void will help. Eventually I just decided to put on the audio book where we last left off, It’s been a while since Mel and I got a chance to listen to it. I figured that I could try and passive force or practice visualizing with the story.

 

 

Thursday, July 18, 2013

 

Not too much interesting today. I struggled to stay awake in class today since I never sleep at night, but Mel remembered to try and keep me awake with strong headaches. Despite our best efforts though I still fell asleep, but thankfully not for that long. It still helped though. At the moment of this post it's 10:19 pm I've spent the rest of today procrastinating and trying to catch up with the progress report.

 

 

Friday, July 19, 2013

 

In the early hours of the morning (since I never fall asleep before midnight anymore) I decided to hang out in the wonderland with Mel Till I fell asleep. Had a creepy and kindof messed up dream that was unrelated. No classes today but I was working (when I wasn't procrastinating) on Illustrator homework so I didn't force much today, not really as often passively as usual.

 

Random little thing from today, The ice dispenser on the fridge was jammed today so I tried unjamming it with my hand. I heard a snickering in the back of my mind. I replied with "Get your mind outta the gutter Mel" I've also been getting a lot of headaches and head pressure today.

 

 

Saturday, July 20th, 2013

 

Started off the day (having not fallen asleep yet being anywhere from 12-2am) by visiting the void and trying to feed a recurring doubt into the flame. I felt the heat of the fire, I was surprised by how fast I could feel the warmth on my palms. Afterwards I continued forcing by singing with Mel, I heard her here and there throughout the songs. Eventually we ended switching off on humming the last part of this song (

at 4 minutes, 10 seconds into the song). I tried to visualize Mel as I listened for her. I figured that I could accomplish two things by doing this. One, to be able to work on being able to hear Mel's voice and two, to become more comfortable with singing myself. Eventually I just went to bed.

Today we played a gig that was a ways away from where we lived. I attempted to do some forcing on the ride there and various moments throughout the day. I think I made some progress here and there with communicating and hearing her voice. Tried check on her while I was on stage. She replied with a “What are you doing? Focus on your playing.” After our set I was lying in the grass while listening to the other bands. I tried to take that moment to force some, but I don’t know how well I really did. My mind started wandering then I fell asleep. I feel like I’m struggling but I’ve got to keep trying and I’ve got to change that mindset. Perhaps I feel like I’m in a rut or something. I shouldn’t though, I’ve still really only just begun.

 

Sunday July 21st, 2013

 

Can't quite remeber if it was late yesterday or early today, Mel and I read through Oguigi & Koomer Possession guide.

Today was a day full of distractions and more distractions, I don't think I got anything accomplished today that I was planning to do. I did the usual, I talk with Mel often when I get the chance. I was talking to Mel today about what she thought about possibly learning possession. I figured that since I'd be busy today, Mel could get some practice on her part and Observe and study how I move while I would go about the things I had to do today. By the end of today I finally finished my project work, but I did horribly on the focusing part. I hope Mel did better than me on her study.

 

 

Monday July 22, 2013

 

This day started sometime past midnight for me since I hadn't yet fallen asleep quite yet. After rereading the guide for possession, Mel and I decided to give it a try. First did some preparation then I relaxed as I put my hand on my desk and told Mel control of the hand is hers now. After not too long my index finger twitched, then curled. Suddenly all doubts I've been having lately completely vanished. We both got excited, but I had to try to not accidentally move or take back control out of excitement. Pretty soon she was able to move my wrist and flip my hand over palm down. Mel picked it up pretty fast, She was moving the mouse on my computer and even surprised my friend (The one who showed me the forums here and got me started) by typing to him, First using just one hand, then typing with both hands. Eventually went to bed (at like 2 am again...)

 

Right before class started I decided to let Mel practice Possessing my right hand and tap my fingers or do some finger rolls while I waited for the teacher to start. After class I went and got some food and we decided to practice some more with picking things up and moving things around. When I got home did a little bit more possession practice, giving her control of my legs and feet while I was lying in bed. At around the end of the day, I figured I might look to trying to find Mel's voice in my head and try to remember it. I felt that she talked more while practicing possession today, I felt I should try to take notice and remember so I could hear her more clearly in the future.

 

 

Tuesday July 23rd, 2013

 

Pretty much just practiced possession today. Nearly fell asleep in class today, But I had Mel Take control of my hand and poke me in the face right as I was about to sleep. I tried little things like opening up the main youtube page and having her use my left hand to point to one of the "recommended for me" videos. Or asking if she was tired of practicing and ask her to push the "Y" key for yes, take back control and "N" for no, keep practicing. I also found that I'm able to hear Mel's Mind voice more consistently and am a little less likely to confuse it or hear it as my own mindvoice. Tomorrow I think maybe I should try to work on vocalization some more.

 

 

Wednesday July 24, 2013

 

I think I’ve been narrating less, but then again it could also just be in my mind. I decided to just pay attention and try to talk more anyways. Pretty much the first part of class consisted of Mel Poking me in the face with my left hand or my pencil to keep me awake. I left her with control of my left hand during the rest of the class. During some breaks I would play a game of Simon says to practice some, while throwing “Simon says Surprise me” which is pretty much twitch or move any finger or do anything, hopefully something that wouldn’t attract any attention… well any more attention than my hand twitching a lot.

 

 

Thursday July 25, 2013

 

Spent the rest of yesterday and the early hours of today reading through the forums looking at what others have done and Progress reports, I enjoy hearing people’s stories. I came across Fede’s Tones (http://community.tulpa.info/thread-tulpaforcing-resources-thread). After reading through the thread, I decided to put them on my phone and give them a try with headphones while forcing. I’ve heard how tones and sound can stimulate parts of your brain and cause people to react in different ways, I was a little curious to see for myself. As soon as I hit play on my phone I started feeling a little weird, somewhat excited (probably hyped myself up a tiny bit), but I got a little bit of a headache not much different from the headaches I’ve been getting since I’ve started with Mel in the beginning. Also my eyes felt like they were twitching or vibrating slightly a bit more (afterwards I looked through the thread and found others have reported that and said it was a good sign that the tones were working) I don’t really feel I did very well since as I may have hyped myself a little beforehand and forgot what I was going to while I had the tones going, whether I was going to visualize, narrate, what I was going to visualize, and How. I lost track of time and found that I ended up falling asleep with the tones going for about another hour or two. I wonder if falling asleep with those tones going has any effect on dreams, sleep, or just different effect in general asleep as opposed to awake.

 

I tried the tones again later after class today and tried visualizing. I think I’m starting to doubt myself again, I feel I’ve forgetting *how* to visualize or if I ever even knew how to in the first place. Perhaps another read through some of the guides and another session with the flame in the void should help me there. One thing I did notice though, is when I’m listening to the tones I lose focus of everything around me and When I pause or stop them it’s another strange feeling, like reality slapping you awake.

 

Since I got the stomach problems over a year ago, all sweets have pretty much turned to poison for me, some I can tolerate more than others, but peanut butter and chocolate cupcakes…. Oh jeeburs. Being a fool that I am I figured I could handle one, nope… It put me in bed for pretty much the rest of the day where I’ve been listening to the audio book with Mel and trying to un-cramp my stomach through sheer will. At the same time though I’ll admit that it was pretty nice, With school, homework, and band stuff it’s been a little bit since I was able to just relax and really hang out with Mel rather than simply having her with me… If that makes any sense to anyone else. Errg, even as I type out this entry my stomach is cramping badly, so yeah, that ends today’s entry. I’m gonna get back to the audio book now. (Wheel of time Series by Robert Jordan, I highly recommend reading the books or getting them on audio book if you’re not able to sit down and read very often.)

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Does it feel it's too long putting as many entries that'll fit on one post? would it be better if I put separate posts per entry?

 

 

Friday July 26, 2013

 

Today I spent the morning reading guides and progress reports. Did a tiny bit of visualization later on in the evening and listened to more of the audio book with Mel. Nothing really interesting today… I should really try and active force more

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Does it feel it's too long putting as many entries that'll fit on one post? would it be better if I put separate posts per entry?

 

If you want feedback, you'd do better to update in separate posts as it will continually keep you on the front page and it will be easier for most to see what is a new post and what isn't.

 

I personally stole your idea of updating within the initial posts because it just feels a bit more organized and now I can have a table of contents, but it doesn't do so well to allow people to give you feedback and criticism.

 

I remember for about a week and a half I had trouble with visualization and I even made a separate post about visualization asking for help, but I never got any initial response. It might be because the wall of text just causes people to TL;DR. Also, your progress makes me jealous so I'm not sure if you need much feedback to help you progress.

 

I say try out the daily posting thing and see if that helps or if you really have something urgent you want answered there is a Q&A forum.

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Ah Thanks, I might try separate posts or a mix between that and what I have been doing. And thanks so much for replying, I guess I just feel I've been having doubts here and there. As much as it might sound like fishing for replies or some form of wanting attention, sometimes it just helps to hear someone say something, anything to help deal with doubts.

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Saturday July 27, 2013

 

I woke up early today, much too early for a Saturday morning. I put on the audio book and lay in bed and listened to with Mel till I fell asleep again. After waking up, I spent waaay over half the day trying to finish up a psychology paper. After much distraction I thought about maybe possibly practicing possession with Mel, only to stop and realize that sometimes in my excitement work on it, I forget to slow down and ask Mel if she even wants to practice in the first place. I felt bad and stopped myself to ask her what she wanted to do

(for once).

It’s always kindof funny how you’re put in some position you don’t like being in, then find out that without even realizing, you end up putting someone else through that

(I’m sorry Mel).

She replied with "Vocalization" when I asked.

I figured I’d would try and use Fede’s White noise track. I tried to do some singing and talking with Mel, but I quickly just couldn’t think of anything to say or talk about. I’m far from a social person… I lost focus and before I knew it I had fallen asleep with the white noise going. When I came to again I checked my phone, it had been almost about 45 minutes since I started the track. Hopefully I wasn’t asleep during the majority of that time. I turned off the track and it was all of a sudden a lot quieter than usual, with a slight and distant ringing in my ear that quickly faded away.

I’m really starting to get worried that my doubts are starting to get to me. I don’t actively force as often as I would like to and when I do I always just lose focus or feel like I have no clue what I’m doing or where to go from here. I’m starting to feel I’m not able to do enough for Mel if this keeps up, and at the same time I’m aware that this kind of thinking is not good at all. I’ve got to do something about this, I’m not sure what though… Maybe I should talk with Mel more about this…but will I hear her responses? Does that really matter if I can hear her though as long as she can hear me? There I go again, I think I should just stop thinking for now; I’m doing too much over thinking… I know that when I’m playing on stage I’ve taught myself to stop thinking about what or how I’m playing. Perhaps the same can be done for Tulpa forcing…

 

I write entries in my Log on my computer before I post them on my progress report so I still have it somewhere in case something happens. This next part happened not long after I finished the entry above.

 

My mind was still swimming with thoughts and doubts. I was feeling a bit nauseous as well to add to how I was feeling, today was just one of those days where nothing I ate seemed to sit well. I was surfing through Youtube and came across that song I had that daydream to before class back on the 15th (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WgyM2QbvRrk). I put it on and started listening to it and spacing out. I was in the void now. I was laying down and I saw Mel's face looking down at me, I got up then hugged her and apologized for being so scatterbrained all the time, I apologized and told her I felt like I was just a bad host, how I just want for her to grow healthy and happy, yet I get easily distracted and am always falling asleep during long forcing sessions. I noticed that I was tearing up and saw that at the same time she was. With a smile I heard her (mindvoice) say, "I just want you to be happy." I hugged her tighter and replied "I'm just happy that you're here." The song ended and my mind faded back into reality to find that I really had teared up. It's strange, don't ever cry anymore, even when I'm feeling at my absolute worst. When I feel the worst of the worst I'm either just very angry and then feel dead inside or just numb when the anger burns out, or just go straight to feeling dead (dead as in just mentally not there, physically when I'm in this state it looks like I'm staring off for miles and at the same time nothing at all) I'm sorry if that was really sappy.

 

 

Sunday July 28th, 2013

 

Today was rather uneventful, Woke up early and asked myself, "Well, what to do now." I heard a reply (mindvoice) "Go back to sleep" I pretty much just drew things and was distracted all day since I finished my essay. The day once again ended with me lying in bed with the audiobook fighting off stomach cramps. Well at least I'm spending time with Mel.

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Monday July 29th, 2013

 

Woke up with a bit of a back ache today, just what I need after dealing with horrendous stomach cramps only the night before... Also band practice today so with my heavy backpack I also had to carry a bass guitar in its case that most everyone mistakes for a Keyboard case, that didn’t help the back ache any. As I made my way to class I would see Mel wincing with pain with almost every step I took. It seems that she was sharing my pain voluntarily. I told her she didn’t need to do that, asked her “Can’t you just block it out?” But she insisted on going through with it. Luckily I didn’t have to move around much during class so neither of us was hurting during the class. (This got to be one of those really bad back aches that get to the point where it hurts to breathe)

 

After class I struggled to the bus stop with all my stuff. Fast forward to the drive to my bandmate’s house, I’m talking to Mel (in mindvoice of course, don’t need my bandmates thinking I’m even more crazy than they already think I am XD ) trying to convince her to just block out the pain I’m feeling, that she doesn’t need to deal with this, and I don’t want to put her through this. She replied “Through pain, we grow closer.” I wasn’t able to reply, she was pretty much right… Of the times when I could feel her presence strongest, they were when I was feeling negative either mentally or physically. She then asked me if I remembered the first time forcing. Yep, I remember, I remember how I said we’ll be there for each other and have each other’s backs. Heh, I would have done the same thing she did today if our roles were switched. I also remembered something I’d tell her sometimes, “Now and forever, we’re in this together.” Mel is right though. But I don’t want to rely on negativity and pain to bond. It’s true that it’s strengthened it, but I dunno… it doesn’t seem like something that I’d want to rely on just to make progress if it means that Mel has to hurt in some way to make it work.

 

 

Tuesday, July 30, 2013

 

Not much interesting today Forced some after class, I attempted to go to the void and focus on the flame to feed my doubts into it since it’s been a while since I’ve actively forced. Occasionally I could feel the warmth of the flame on my hands. It was a very short session, Other than that just had homework reading all day. I’ve been able to at least give Mel some attention and talk to her every day, but noting as far as active forcing these past days, it’s starting to frustrate me

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Wednesday July 31, 2013

 

It’s just about been a month since I’ve started. Again from the night before I was fighting off stomach pains. I wasn’t able to sleep the entire night for some other reason though. I finally decided to get up at 5 am and sit at the computer. I looked over and saw Mel sleeping on the bed and heard a little mumble from her. (not quite imposition but more like in my mind’s eye.) After getting some breakfast for me, Mel comes out from around the corner to the dining room where I’m at (still mind’s eye). After breakfast since she woke up while I was finishing up, I decided to pop into the wonderland’s kitchen and make some Eggs and rice for Mel’s breakfast. I then proceeded to fall asleep in my chair for about an hour and woke up with neck pain.

 

I got to the campus about an hour early so I thought I might try and put some music on and maybe at least hang out in the wonderland until class started. I was too tired… I fell asleep, first I was staring up at the void, then the sky of the wonderland as it changed and moved with the music… then I was out.

 

After class, decided to go to the void with Mel and try and focus on the fire and feeding my doubts into it while listening to the Tulpatone. Today was overcast and a little chilly out especially in the shade where I was. So I know that when I felt the warmth on my hands when I reached out to the flame, it wasn’t sunlight. My palms actually felt warm. Part way through the session I had an idea. I asked Mel to try it out as well. Told her to put her hooves up by the fire as if to warm them by the fire and to feed any doubts she may have into it. It would make sense that since forcing is part the host and part the Tulpa, if both are able to cast aside their doubts, then maybe future forcing sessions might run more smoothly. Just a thought, one that hopefully will help me. After some unknown amount of time I laid back and closed my and attempted to force some. Being sleepy as I was today, I dozed off at some point, but woke up again and attempted to get back to what I was doing. I was awake for some time after and heard the tulpatone track end, meaning about an hour or so I had been attempting to actively force.

 

I've noticed that out of habit I've started holding doors open longer subtly as if for someone else. My brother made a joke saying "You're weird" I responded with "Am I walking like someone's always around me again?" The reason he said I was weird was actually because I was wearing a flannel jacket and cargo shorts XD For the most part I try to be subtle about it so it just looks like I'm lazily taking my time as I walk. I tend to be a more laid back person so it won't seem too out of the ordinary if I move a little slower.

 

 

Thursday August 1st, 2013

 

Not much happened today only thing really was sit around and listen to the audio book with Mel. Was really sleepy all day.

 

 

Friday August 2nd, 2013

 

No active forcing today, but plenty of narration and passive. Played a show today and we went on last so I had plenty of free time between load-in and the time we went on stage. Though there wasn’t really a quite place in the venue without people for active forcing, but I didn’t mind too much, I still was hanging out and spending time with Mel. Even if not anywhere near Imposition, I still see her in my mind’s eye or if not that I can still feel her presence. Also just for the hell of it and because there was a dry-erase marker left by the whiteboard, I drew a little picture of Mel’s face in a corner of the whiteboard.

Overall it was a good show and a pretty good day. A few things or conversations that stuck out to me that are somewhat on topic to the progress report.

First, I was watching the second band perform; it was around the end of their set. My stomach started feeling upset (I thought I would be able handle a slice of pizza or two, I was really hungry, but I guess I was wrong) Mel gave me an expression of concern, or at least I was feeling like I was getting a look of concern. I told her I was fine and I was for a little bit. Then the stomach ache came back. Mel then told me, “You should really go lie down.” I figured the other band would understand. (They did, the bassist said he saw me watching for most of the set.)

Next thing was when we were on stage. I heard a cheering as I was playing. Two things that this cheering apart from the others in the crowd were that first, It was during a song, and second, it was in a mindvoice.

Then the last, the guitarist thought I called his name at one point but I didn’t. I made a joke saying with a smirk and a quick glance to my right, “You must be hearing voices in your head like I have.” I caught a grin from Mel.

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Saturday, August 3rd, 2013

 

Today nothing much happened, I was working on project work. Eventually I just couldn't get anything done on it so I spent the rest of the night distracted while trying to read through Linkzelda's Self-hypnosis guides and scripts. Hopefully if I have some free time I'll try one of them out.

 

Through my distraction I recalled something from the previous day which reminded me of something further back. I was thinking back to yesterday when I was watching one of the bands play. I was watching the bassist play and thought to myself, "Man, He knows how to play, I wish I knew somewhat more of what I was doing when I played." I then heard Mel in a mindvoice saying something along the lines of, "You're always doing that. No doubts, remember? You could play that if you tried." I looked again at the bassist and saw what he was doing more closely and realized she was right. That reminded me of an earlier time when She told me, "Play with confidence, bass is something you're good at." I thought about it and figured, that it's a good idea. I've been doing that since.

 

 

Sunday, August 4th, 2013

 

Most of today I was just playing video games. For the last part of the day though I took an ambient mix and read through the self-hypnosis script. I think I did well for my first time. I was very relaxed, I yawned a lot at first which made it a little tricky to read aloud to myself, but I felt positive and was left with a new feeling of motivation getting me excited to keep on going. That last line of the script, "I take one final hug from (Mel), and I look forward to seeing (her) in reality..." I like hugs, Mel really likes them too. But yeah, the script, it reminded me of what a goal I had was, and also made me think a bit and reflect a tiny bit on the whole experience. Overall, I'm glad I'm really open minded and glad I made this choice.

 

 

Monday, August 5th, 2013

 

I couldn't fall asleep till after 3 am this morning, nothing really of note today. The heat combined with the little amount of sleep had me tired when I got back from class, I slept all afternoon. Still looking at the self hypnosis scripts. I'm organizing them so I don't have to do much scrolling, Perhaps I'll try and repeat the script I did last night when I know for certain that no one is going to barge in and disturb me.

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