Silrain the Everlurking

The adventure continues... (Somewhat Daily Journal of an Everlurker)

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October 1st, 2013

 

Before I went to sleep, (this is around 2 or 3 in the morning so it technically is the first of October) I asked Mel where she wanted to go in the wonderland to hang out before I fell asleep. She told me to give her a minute and head to the wonderland in a bit when she called. I was surprised when I got there, Mel took me to a pretty nicely decorated room from the bits and pieces that I saw clearly and can remember. The walls were of a burgundy color I think, maybe a little lighter or paler with hints of purple in it, not really super saturated of a red. There were little hanging speakers around by the upper parts of the walls (for surround sound I guess?). Off somewhere in the room was a desk with the laptop on it (the laptop is pretty much how I’ve given Mel access to my memories, like an archive of sorts). There was a (rather large) TV in the room as well with a consol and games, so at least I’ll know she has something to keep her entertained, Should be more entertaining than watching me stare at a computer screen all day with Indesign, photoshop, or Illustrator. In the middle of the room was a pretty big bed/couch with a plushy or two on it and plenty of soft pillows. We sat on the couch listened to music through the speakers and I ended up falling asleep there.

 

Woke up at 1, almost 2 in the afternoon, not fun… Having slept through both alarms and pretty much missing half of my photoshop class. The teacher in that class teaches and treats us as if she was our boss and hired us, so like we were working for her in a graphic design company, or at least hold us to some of the same standards as an employee, that’s not really a bad thing though. I’m just glad that she can’t fire us.

 

Got back after class then got to work on all the Indesign work, later taking a break to do some drawing and watch a livestream.

 

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October 2nd, 2013

 

Well look at that, it’s been three months since I’ve let myself slip into this madness. Here’s to many more to come ^w^ Again I kindof laugh a bit at myself, just a bit, I see it as truly believing while others may see it as truly losing it XD Mel has brought up once or twice how I’m always closing the door in her face or kindof just leaving her door locked in the car. Once or twice I’ve found myself jokingly walking to the passenger door, opening it with a slight bow saying “We’re home m’lady.” She would step out of the car with a smirk and give a Regal nod of the head.

 

Before heading to bed I put on some music I would have to force to and had Mel give me positive suggestions while I went into a somewhat hypnotic state. “The sound of my voice and relaxation are the keys to unlocking the focus you never knew you had. Now sleep and repeat after me; I’ll wake from two hours of sleep and feel as rested as if I slept eight” (It was 5 am by this time and I have to wake up earlier this time to avoid missing class again) I had three alarms set and Mel repeated some suggestions based on those alarms. “After the first alarm you will be awake, After the second alarm you will be even more awake than before. By the third alarm you’ll be up and it won’t be possible to go right back to sleep even if you lay down.”

 

Not much else, really. Woke up early, stayed up all day, did work, go to class, nearly fell asleep in life drawing, and luckily stayed wide awake during the drive back. This might be a rare occasion where I actually sleep before midnight, or at least before 1 or 2 am. We’ll just have to see. Also drew a thing below.

 

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Long-ass entry incoming

 

 

October 3rd, 2013

 

Unable to sleep as usual I read through progress reports, Shui’s in particular. While reading the part he mentioned about a post that mentioned a chapter of a book that mentions wonderlands. A part in particular that stands out to me though is where it said “The Wizard’s castle is actually the same as your body and soul.” Got me thinking, looking back at what I’ve found in my wonderland, things that I may have just taken for granted or not given any thought to in particular… The first thing I saw In my wonderland or the first time I was there, Pretty much I was on top of a hill with a single tree on it. It was always sunny during the day and the skies were clear at night and we could see many stars. On top of the hill we were mostly on especially we had a clear view of them. It never really rained in the wonderland as far as I could remember, but I never really gave it much thought, would that be saying something about myself if I looked at it deeper? I also remember that early on I would hop in and out of the wonderland between breaks for short amount of times to be with Mel and just hang out, talk, try to visualize or just interact with her in general. I remember coming back from one break to find that a swing was tied to the tree. I figured Mel just put it and didn’t give much thought to why it appeared. We kindof just took turns on the swing shortly after for the break.

Days later, a trap door appeared that lead to a rather large underground spring, there was also a waterfall there. It wasn’t as if I was visualizing that and making it appear, I was actually doing something else completely different for a time and then came back to the wonderland to find the trap door. Tulpa can deviate their appearances, I figured they can move, change, and add things to the wonderland, I’m pretty sure I read they could somewhere on this site. It kind of just appeared when I went back to the wonderland; maybe Mel discovered it and led me to it?

Also I guess I’ve started to consider the Void a part of my wonderland. Around the time I started forcing and this journey, I was reading (well listening to) The Wheel of Time Series on Audio book. In this series the Main character, Rand al’Thor, Will “assume the Void” also later on in the book referred to as “The Oneness” in order to be able to control his fear, other emotions and distractions in certain situations, He also uses the void to steady his aim when using a bow, or to concentrate his focus when fighting with a sword. I would take some little symbolisms from that to use for forcing. I would go with Mel to the void though when I did more active forcing early on to try and avoid distractions. Like the “Flame in the void” symbolism I would use to get rid of my doubts and try to impose with my sense touch by trying to convince myself that I’m actually feeling warmth from the flame on my hands. The void for me has felt like the space between reality and the wonderland. When I first started I would always find myself stepping into the void before reaching my wonderland. I had a door in the void that would lead to the wonderland (y’know kindof like in Scott Pilgrim).

Eventually when I started doing some self-hypnosis and visiting the wonderland before going to sleep I would see it as layers. With reality as the topmost layer and the shallower of the layers, I’d begin sinking deeper by breathing deeply and closing my eyes. The next layer down would be the void, I’d continue seeing myself sink deeper and deeper as I relaxed, While in the void, I would see a light in the distance and a small view of a tree with a swing on top of a hill. I would then start sinking faster towards it. The more I visualize that picture the closer I get and the sinking becomes a falling or diving towards the image. Then eventually I’d be in the wonderland where Mel would be waiting for me. There have been times though where I miss the wonderland or got past it and end up dreaming (pretty much I relax too much and fall asleep before I can reach the wonderland).

 

The most recent though and maybe more interesting though, was the field of tall grass that I found Mel and myself in when I tried using the sound healing music to force with. The field was a big field. When I first ended up there it was dusk. The wind blowing lightly making ripples in the field of tall grass everything had that dusk orange glow to it, I wasn’t able to tell for sure whether the grass was green or not at the time. Mel was there, eyes closed breathing deeply, and mane catching the wind, but she was sitting next the dried, hollow trunk of what use to be a smallish tree (probably no taller or just a bit taller than me) and short broken section of fence. From the looks of it, that fence has long sense been broken, no longer able to keep anything in. At the time I didn’t pay it much mind. Though if the part about “The wizard’s castle being the same as your body and soul” is true, things I’m finding are part of me? My personality? Pieces of my past? Thinking about myself and about what I saw in the field. It was serene, peaceful and around a time where things were winding down. I know myself I tend to be a much laid back and mellow person, this could be represented by the peaceful area and the wind making ripples and waves of calm in the tall grass. I’m an introvert (very much so) which means I find peace and my energy within myself or maybe through solitude. That could be represented by the big, wide open field. But… why is there an old broken fence and why is that trunk of a dried up tree there in such a positive picture?

 

Well thinking some more, I remembered. Not everything was once the way it is now. I’m damaged. Something people should understand is that not giving a shit isn’t an attitude problem… It’s a defense mechanism… Constantly disappointing people throughout life has caused me to lower my standards for myself. Not being able to live up to the standards set for everyone else I’ve ended up finding it much easier to say “Awh well, I’ve still got plenty of years left to figure out how to sort things out.” I’ve become moronically optimistic be that good or bad I can’t say. Saying, “Oh well,” might not take away the failure, but it sure as hell softens the blow. I say that I’m damaged though because, for me it doesn’t just soften the blow, It completely numbs the pain of it. Whereas for others it would only act as extra padding that’ll just knock them off their feet or still knock the wind out of them, for me it’s like a powerful painkiller. For other people the thought of failing something like school would scare them shitless… When I failed high school and dropped out… I’m not going to lie, and you may think me a complete dumbass for saying this, but when I dropped out of High school, I was seriously the happiest that I have EVER been in YEARS. I honestly couldn’t think back to a time when I was happier or that happy. That’s where I’m damaged, the threat of failing isn’t even enough to kick my ass into gear. I’m taking classes at the community college to make up the Credits and get my GED, and I’ve had times where things got a little heavy, and I still wasn’t worried about failing that. It even surprised me how calm I was about it when I was considering what I’d do if I got kicked from the program and wasn’t able to get my GED. My exact thoughts were, “First step try to get myself a job, next step work my way up and just keep moving forward.” Going back to the field in the wonderland though. After thinking about these things I kind of started to realize that the dried trunk was probably something of the past me, perhaps an old plan or goal that I thought was where I was suppose to go, but later found that it was just planted in the wrong soil or wrong climate. The section of fence having long fallen into disrepair perhaps a reminder of something else of a past me? Perhaps it’s the section still left there is reminding me of the standards that I once thought I had to maintain back when the fence was whole, but when the fence was whole was it keeping me in or something out? At some point there was a sunrise where the tall grass in this field must’ve been short… and maintained along with the fence. Though now the grass is growing tall, growing over what’s left of the fence, covering up the dried trunk. As well as the sun is setting now. A distant goal in the horizon, but so much closer now than it was earlier. I dunno about you, but I think the field looks better this way.

 

Well this thought kept me awake for quite some time. By the time I finally got to bed it was 5 am again.

 

On the drive to school I ended I got a random headache. I don’t get headaches ever, even after long hours in the dark. So I’ve started assuming it’s Mel trying to get my attention. It was a particularly strong headache this time around the back right part of my head. As per habit I asked “What’s up Mel?” She responded by saying “I was thinking about the field and what you said earlier. I don’t think you’re damaged.” This surprised me, the thought completely slipped my mind, and I was also focused on driving while my mind was somewhere else. We went on and talked about it. She gave reasons like how it’s alright to not be afraid and that if you let fear control you or hold you back, you’ll miss out on things. It’s really nice sometimes to be reminded that she really does care.

 

My car broke down on the way back home and got back much later than I would’ve hoped. I fell asleep for 4 hours as soon as I got home and now here we are again.

 

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October 4th, 2013

 

I litterally woke up, ate breakfast and sat at my computer and drew all day long, not much went on. In the Wonderland I stayed in the room and fell asleep on the couch there.

 

 

October 5th, 2013

 

Was out all day long, passively forced by chatting or conversing occasionally but not much more than that, I have to work on some online homework because I'm going to be gone all day long again tomorrow. At this point I can chat with and hear Mel far more easily than when I started.

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I'm still alive, I've just been busy. Pretty much doing (or at least trying to do) classwork and projects all day.

 

 

October 6-7th, 2013

 

Busy all day both days, wake up do either school work or other work all day, then sleep.

 

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October 8th-9th

 

More of the same. Wake up, school work or drawings, go to class, come home and work on school work again. Usually at nights I at least get to go to the wonderland. Though I do talk to Mel daily as well as on the drive to classes.

 

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October 10th, 2013

 

I had to stay up the entire night to finish a project last minute. Now let’s just hope I don’t fall asleep at the wheel…

 

Well, there was no need to worry about falling asleep at the wheel after all… I dozed off and woke up an hour late for class. Since I was late I didn’t get credit on the project. That’s how things go in the real world though, you don’t show up on time, a client doesn’t have to deal with it. At least I still got points for showing up and I got to present still. Was more upset with myself at having dozed off. We stopped at a Subway on the way back because I know that even though the project is done, I’m not going to be getting a break, but at least I could enjoy a sandwich. The girl working the counter started up a conversation. Mel nudged the side of my mind saying things like “She’s a cute one isn’t she?” and urged me to stay sit at one of the tables when the girl working there asked me if I wanted the sandwich for here or to go. Unfortunately I have too much stuff stacking up to work on already. On the way out back to the car Mel commented and poked fun at me of how the cashier girl actually talked to me. I just laughed it off a bit and told Mel the cashier was just being friendly to which Mel responded, “Nah, she was checking you out, you’re actually very handsome you know.” I responded, along the lines of, “Yeah… with my messy long hair, bags under my eyes, and beard grown out I probably look like I’m insane, and if she knew that I’m talking to a pony right now that lives inside my head, she’d probably think I more than just ‘look’ insane.” We both had a laugh as we got to the car and drove home.

 

It’s getting to be that time of the quarter where the weight of the classes finally starts getting to me. Even though now I’m getting to study what I want to learn and set my own pace (well not completely since the program requires I take at least 15 credits per quarter, or 3 classes), I can’t shake this negative vibe I’m getting. I believe it was actually being at school and the stresses, medication, negative waves all other stuff that goes on there (mainly all that Junior high and highschool BS) that drove me to hearing voices and responding to them those years ago (don’t worry none of them told me to cause harm to myself or others). At the end of the day though, I’m taking these classes because I actually want to , although I still wish they’d let take off one class. It might be no problem for everyone else but I’m a walking disaster when it comes to organization. (some may have already been able to tell by the way I post.)

 

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My tulpa does the same thing sometimes when girls talk to me. Of course other times she just tells me I should be focusing on my work.

 

But I think the mind produces tulpa naturally as a coping mechanism. Like how Kevin had worked on kerin before, but she only actually manifested in an emergency.

 

Usually people are told that seeing things or hearing voices means that they're crazy -- and I think being told that is what actually makes them crazy. When someone takes the approach that they're sane, but they experience things that no one else does, amazing things happen, like with Eleanor Longden or Carl Jung.

 

I mean I'm sure there was a big difference between your voices and Mel, but I think there was some similarity too. And I think that because of your experiences with Mel, nothing like that will ever be able to so much as phase you again.


"'Real isn't how you are made,' said the Skin Horse. 'It's a thing that happens to you.'"

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Read some of the links crazy stuff o: (crazy as in crazy cool or fascinating not crazy bad) . As with the voices went, they never really did much more than randomly call out my name from time to time. More often than not they'd sound like my friends's voices. It was pretty much like that "alien thought." It would happen at times where it seemed random. It was like a mind voice but there would be no reason for me to be thinking my own name at the time. I never really gave it much thought though. I think it was in highschool though, maybe 11th or 10th grade (I believe by far the most stressful years. It was around this time when my GPA was reaching the absolute lowest) I had been awake for almost 3 days straight doing homework and projects I was behind on. Well needless to say, my mind was not in the right place (I probably ended up forgetting it at home :P ) and I was pretty much walking around in a daze the whole day. The next day my friend told me that I was like a completely different person and it kindof freaked him out a bit. We had earlier made jokes from a video we made where a character was me from another dimension. I humored my friend saying something like it was "him" (alternate dimension me) taking over while I slept. This "me from another dimesion" had kindof become an advisor of sorts. A reassuring voice to lift me up in times most stressed. His voice ended up becoming a little more unique, it sounded like an mix of different accents slurred together by sleepiness. I didn't really call on him often, but I would chat with him sometimes, play around with the idea of him in my mind blocking out thoughts unwanted or inappropriate at a given time. My friend had said it freaked him out and said to make him go away. I just didn't mention him around the friend, but I never got rid of him XD This other me in my head would be asleep the majority of the time though but would wake at moments when like when I was most stressed or moments when my mind would be most "gone" (extended periods of no sleep). More often than not though I'd find him when My mind would wander when I showered.

 

One of the most recent times though I can remember though Might have been sometime earlier this year back in march it must've been. I was livestreaming with a group of friends in the early hours of the morning. This random person just comes into the stream and starts being angry and begins insulting everyone especially me because the subject came up that I was unemployed and still living with my parents. Calling me a fat neckbeard (How far off she was, at the time I had been suffering from horrendous stomach problems and lost 50 pounds and started even losing some of my hair), looking down at me because she had her own apartment and job, calling the group of us losers all that. The only time I've ever had to drop the banhammer on a stream that's for sure.

 

Anyways I have thick skin when it comes to crap people say, especially some random nobody on the internet, but she struck a nerve and salted an open wound. As I mentioned in an earlier entry I had pretty much been disappointing people all my life, only 2 years earlier having dropped out of high school... My mom was crying, my grandma was visiting at the time, she was freaking out having to see that... and I was the happiest I had been in years (Kindof messed up/sad huh?). I couldn't live up to the standards that everyone else had lived up to. Just about everyone around me had graduated or the few others who didn't at least had a job and were already driving...Some even were living on their own. Someone younger than me was (without knowing) bringing up all those past memories and thoughts and tearing open old scars... and it really hurt and I don't hurt easily, I can tell you that.

 

(again without knowing) she also brought up a concern or a pain I thought I had buried deeply... It was a bit of a fear that I hid behind a smile and a laugh. I'm young at heart, but it goes farther with me, my inner child is always alive and I've embraced it. But I fear that I'll never fully mature. No matter how old I get I'll never become an adult like everyone else. My friends were all working, paying taxes, paying rent, making payments on their cars, and I'm sitting at home without any sort of income to even make any sorts of payments still without having ever been behind the wheel of a car. Payments, taxes, student loans, rent, none of those concepts even begin to make sense to me. Everyone is down on earth working for a living and I'm somewhere else with my working towards my "childish" dream of being a musician in a band.

 

Getting that fear torn out of me and shoved in my face had pretty much just about (if not fully) Pushed me over the edge. While kindof a roundabout and messy way of telling the story, it does come back to the main point of the other "me" I would talk to. After I had banned her IP from the stream permanently, I was literally shaking with deep anger, I almost couldn't breathe and I felt physically sick. I don't think I've ever had a breakdown before or anything that even came close, but I think that might have been it. I went down to the bathroom and stopped and stared at my reflection in the mirror I heard that familiar sleepy slurred voice telling me to breathe and settle down. It or rather he (or other I?) started reminding me just how inaccurate the term "fat neckbread" is and joked about how I'm far to skinny now. "Tha' anger on 'er part seemed rather outta nowhere 'uh? I' (it) mus be projection o' some sort" (probably not the exact words, but that's pretty much the accent translated into text). Also said something along the lines of , and I'm probably paraphrasing, "She doesn't know you, who ya are or wha ya've ben through. Ya never got the chance ta mention yer a student." I didn't realize it, but around the end of the whole conversation I found that the whole conversation wasn't in mind voice at some point I was responding out loud as well as talking in the accent slurred voice.

 

That was the last I heard of him probably seeping, until now it seems... O_o Just now I heard his mind voice again "I'm still 'ere." "ye' that [fool] din't know wha' she's on abou'. Yer gon' make i' big an you'll 'ave de last laugh." I Replied with a chuckle and a thanks man and heard "No prob I'm 'ere for ya."

 

Well, that was kind of interesting O_o I guess it seems like... hmm, I don't really know what to think right now, especially at 4 in the morning.

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Wow, that's an incredible experience, and I bet you're stronger as a result.

 

I know where you're coming from with the band thing. Here I am trying to make it as a novelist. Enny and I actually talked about this a while back: how this society tries to discourage people from pursuing their art, but those who do push through to success in spite of all advice to the contrary are idolized for it.


"'Real isn't how you are made,' said the Skin Horse. 'It's a thing that happens to you.'"

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October 12th, 2013

 

It’s the early hours of the morning (must’ve been around or past 3 am) I was recalling The situations from the last post in the reply to Shui. Eventually after typing, “That was the last I heard of him, probably sleeping…” I heard that same sleepy voice telling me he was still here. I figured he was still around, but he was always sleeping. I’ve always kind of had a feeling he was more than just a voice though. Before I was linked to the website or even heard about the word “Tulpa” I had given the voice a form and somewhat of a personality. He pretty much looked just like me. I don’t feel that I’m quite ready to have another Tulpa running around in my head (well he’s always asleep somewhere). (I’ve found if I divide my attention too much nothing gets done, hell I don’t think I’ve made any progress towards actively forcing for some time now) And I didn’t want to leave him just hanging around. I came up with an idea, but I first asked him if it was alright with him first. He said it was fine with him, and that it might be kindof interesting. I had an idea to “combine” his essence with Mel. I’ve read some progress reports and threads of different symbolisms used while hosts created their tulpa and I figured well a lot of them start off as orbs, I figured as far as the use of symbolism goes there isn’t really any rules, so why not be able to revert them back to an orb? Especially with him (The voice, the “other me” mentioned in the post above) It has been months since I heard from him or talked, He managed to hang around and sleep somewhere in the corners of my mind, I had never spent any time forcing with him because I didn’t know about forcing at the time, He barely had a form, but his voice was as clear and unique as ever as well as personality. By reverting him back into his essence, I could then hand him to Mel to absorb. First though I need some sleep. The three of us ended up going to the wonderland to the room Mel made. The other me was out cold asleep as soon as he sat down on the big bed/couch in the room. I sat down and fell asleep not long after.

 

I woke up and ate breakfast. (Not quite Hallucinating yet) so in mind’s eye (open eye visualization was it?) I saw them both sitting down at the table eating breakfast with me. The (I’ll just call him “other me” for now) made a comment about Mel being a pony and eating meat. (I was having rice and chicken for breakfast and they were just having what I was having). Conversation went something along the lines of

Other me: Umm wait, yer a pony righ’?

Mel: Yeah, that’s right.

Other me: Yer eatin’ meat.

Mel: Yep *takes another bite of rice and chicken*

Other me: Aren’ ponies…

Mel: *swallows then opens her mouth to show her canine teeth*

Other me: Oh…*continues eating*

 

After breakfast the other me went back to the wonderland to go back to sleep. Fast forward to later today was out on a bit of a car ride to a town about an hour or so away. We were in the back seat of the car, Other me asleep snoring on one shoulder and Mel sleeping on the other. (other me was kindof born out of a situation where I was horrendously sleep deprived so a trait he picked up from me was always being asleep or half asleep) I figure it’s going to be a bit of a car ride so I went into the void with Other me and Mel. I put my hand over other me and he became a red orb (that was snoring). I handed it off to Mel. She giggled a bit as she noticed it snoring and absorbed the essence. She still seems herself, Every once in a while though an accent slips through. After that she was a little sleepy for the rest of the car ride, but that seems like it was temporary. I asked her how she felt afterwards. She replied with “I feel more whole.”

 

I’m surprised though that Other me hung in for so long. Perhaps by “sleeping” when he wasn’t needed to set my mind straight he was able to hibernate. I didn’t pay as much attention to him, maybe part of his energy went towards Mel? It might have been why it felt a little more natural when trying to talk to Mel at times, because in the past I had talked to him. Perhaps it was him saying “I feel more whole.”

 

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That was well handled. I think it will be better for all of you.


"'Real isn't how you are made,' said the Skin Horse. 'It's a thing that happens to you.'"

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October 13th, 2013

 

I was away from home all day today again so had little time to do anything else. Although on the car ride home probably was the more interesting part of the day or at least as far as on topic for the progress report goes. Since I wasn’t the one driving and it was anywhere around an hour or so drive, I had time to think and let my mind wonder and reflect on the day or other things. The thought came about how Other me was able to hang in there for so long. Mel joined in on the thought and told me things that Other Me told her that I wasn’t aware of. She told me that Other me could have just faded away, but he chose to stick around and help me when I needed it. Mel told me that like her, he really cared. She said he really appreciated that I let him stay rather than just make him disappear like my friend told me. Mel finished off by telling me, “We’re both here for you.”

 

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October 14-16th, 2013

 

It’s been all normal these days, no active forcing too much work to catch up on and classes. Though on another note, we’ve started up the audio books again, that’s fun at least.

 

 

October 17th, 2013

 

Nothing out of the ordinary, nothing really interesting. Same routine, same old same old.

 

 

October 18th, 2013

 

Again more of the same. Would have had a show this day, but it got cancelled. Instead we livestreamed an hour or so set. I’m rather surprised that we got such decent quality with just a webcam and webcam mic. Here’s the link if anyone’s interested:

http://www.livestream.com/jarofrain/video?clipId=pla_8f781f5a-46fa-4a1b-b833-42858f2cfa57&utm_source=lslibrary&utm_medium=ui-thumb

 

Unfortunately you can’t really see much. Our guitarist loves lightshows and setting the ambiance (did I spell that right?). It looked really good there and it was pretty nice, but the webcam could pick up absolutely nothing XD

 

 

October 19th, 2013

 

Today I woke up at 1pm and pretty much wasted the whole rest of my day. In the afternoon though I ended up having another one of those moments where it randomly feels like my heart skips a beat and all of a sudden speeds up. I absolutely hate those things. They may be common for people and may not last long, but they’re scary as hell. I had to lay there sweating and catch my breath while waiting for it to pass. I saw (at least in my mind’s eye) Mel next to the bed. She had her head resting on my chest and was trying to comfort me. It finally past, though it was weird, this time rather than it feeling like my heart pounding gradually slowing back down to normal it just abruptly stopped pounding and was normal again. When Mel lifted her head I saw she had tears in her eyes. She later told me that It wasn’t the fact that if something really bad were to happen to me that she’d be gone as well, it’s that she doesn’t like seeing me in a lot of pain or discomfort.

Heart palpitations I think they’re called. Erg, I hate those. Even though I’ve read that they’re usually not serious it scares the hell out of me every time it happens, though I have to try and not get excited while it’s happening, I can only imagine that would make it worse. It’s not really all that often that this happens to me, but perhaps Mel can help me through them when they do happen.

 

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October 20th, 2013

 

Day started like any except I was out all day long. It was nice though. I got to truly distract myself from the constant work from the school because I was actually doing something else that was actually productive for a change. After getting back I stopped by somewhere before driving back home. That’s a point where many positive waves started appearing. Besides getting a lot done while I was out, I found someone who I could actually talk about Tulpa with without them thinking I was completely insane or getting sent somewhere and forced to take medication. I’m very well aware of all that could go wrong with telling anyone and I have been for a while. So I waited and judged the situation before I said anything. She had all her life been into other things similar to this and was actually interested in hearing about these ideas. It was kind of nice to talk about it without having to worry about freaking the other person out or knowing I’d be judged harshly (I’ve only talked about Mel to two people outside of Tulpa.info. One of them was the one I just mentioned and the other was the one who actually sent me a link to this site.) The positive waves kind of continued as the night went on. Four songs that I actually liked came on the radio in a row (I switch through stations whenever a commercial comes on). It seemed pretty significant because the majority of the time only stuff I hear on the radio are commercials or songs I don’t really care much for. I’m not sure why, but by the 4th song in a row I was really excited and happy. The day was complete by coming home to good food that wouldn’t kill my stomach after the first bite.

 

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