Silrain the Everlurking

The adventure continues... (Somewhat Daily Journal of an Everlurker)

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September 13th, 2013

 

Not much gone on today. I skipped the walk for today since it was overcast and I figured it'd be alright missing one day. Nothing really else interesting today, so here's a random drawing done yesterday into the early hours of this morning.

 

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September 14th, 2013

 

Not much interesting today. Except I went and got my license today.

 

 

September 15-16th, 2013

 

not much goes on these days. I actually forgot to make an entry these days

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Seems I've got a bit of catch up to do...

 

 

September 17th, 2013

 

Not much today, Went to practice, came back home and drew the rest of the night till my hand gave out. Though during practice the couches Mel would normally sit at and watch us play were filled with other equipment. I glanced over at one point during the practice and saw her sitting on my bass amp. Not sure why, but I got inspiration to try and draw her sitting in the pose she was in. Could be ambitious though, could be biting off more than I can chew with that, but whatever keeps me drawing.

 

 

September 18th, 2013

 

Was up in the early morning. Played bass and drew a lot. Right hand gave out on me. We watched two movies. Hot Fuzz and True lies. Before going to bed (at 5 am) I decided to head into the wonderland hang out there with Mel until I drifted off to sleep. I find it hard to keep my mind focus, I’ll even find myself drifting off into a different thought while lying there by the tree on the hill or on the bed Mel set up for me in the wonderland. We just lie down staring up at the night sky of the wonderland. I had this weird thought of just beyond the wonderland sky is the void. During the Night I can see the void. The stars that we watch in the wonderland feel like they could be thoughts outside of the void. Perhaps if I can go through with that idea, imagine the stars as those distracting thoughts, to see them as something pretty to look at, but not affecting me directly, maybe that’ll do something for my focus.

 

 

September 19th, 2013

 

Stayed up till 5 am watching anime with Mel. It was a full moon, it was kindof nice the moonlight coming shining through the window, though I really should try and break this habit of not being able to fall asleep before 3 am, especially before the next quarter starts. Fell asleep, then woke up at 3 in the afternoon, such a waste of a day… Pretty much drew and played Skyrim for the rest of the afternoon then took a short walk in the evening aaaand again stayed up till early into next morning. If I can finish this post soon then I’ll be able to say I went to bed before 3 am for once.

 

 

September 20th, 2013

 

Woke up much earlier than I normally would. Didn’t do much today except play skyrim, and band practice.

 

 

September 21st, 2013

 

Really busy day today, was out the entire day and came back exhausted.

 

 

September 22nd, 2013

 

Was busy all day today as well, but still had time to chat and narrate. I got a cold though and I feel like hell right now. Mel likely picking up on my stubbornness insists on sharing the pain again. The first day of the fall quarter starts tomorrow as well and I feel like death, This is going to be fun…

 

 

September 23rd, 2013

 

Had a horrid night of sleep, my sinuses feel like someone took a rasp to them. I was in and out of the wonderland throughout most the night. While in the wonderland I’d be on a mattress. Mel by the side of it, occasionally coughing or sniffing, still insisting that I shouldn’t be suffering alone. Occasionally I’d look up to see her stroking the side of my head humming the part of one of the songs we sing when practicing. Eventually with my headaches getting stronger and the little ones from her being made bigger, she blocked herself off from me to stop the extra headaches. Not really sure how I really felt about it though I’d wake up from a dream with my broken sleep and try to feel for her forgetting and not being able to feel her there. I pretty much slept all day, waking up around 3pm and feeling better enough that she didn't need to block herself off. The broken sleep continues, went to sleep at 9pm and woke up at 1, almost 2 am. I thought my sleep schedule was off before, this is even worse. I also missed my first day of life drawing because I wasn’t feeling good enough to get out of bed.

 

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September 24th, 2013

 

Day was spent drawing and some playing Skyrim, still not feeling good enough to go to classes. All the sleeping the past two days threw off my sleep schedule even more than it usually is…

 

 

September 25th, 2013

 

Still awake from the previous day, just finishing off a bit of a drawing. I then felt a little nudge at the back of my mind and a mind voice telling me, “Time for bed.” I lay in bed and went to the wonderland and hung around there with Mel and talked until I drifted off into sleep. At some point before I dozed off I remember asking if she’d like to join me in my dreams sometime. I remember in the last part of my dream I was remembering or reading off a list of things to do or things I needed, but I wasn’t hearing it read off in my mindvoice, it was Mel’s.

Somehow managed to wake up early….though that “somehow” was the dog jumping onto the bed and landing on my groin…Times like these make me glad he’s just a small breed. Later that day was the first day of life drawing class that I wasn’t going to miss by being sick. This was also the first day I’m going to be driving myself there. Mel was very excited to finally get to ride in the front seat. I opened the window on her side as I pulled out of the driveway. No one would think much of it if I happen to have my window open, but sometimes I wonder, am I going crazy? Well, crazier than I already am, or am I just beginning to truly believe? At an occasional glance (I had to stay focused on the road of course) I saw in my mind’s eye (since Mel and I have made little to no progress on imposition) Mel sticking her head out the window, reminding me of a time when she asked me what it was about sticking their heads out a window that dogs liked so much.

 

Life drawing class, we drew live models First time doing so. It kindof surprised me how little it affected or distracted me. The gesture drawings were so fast that I didn’t have time to be distracted. After the class, pretty much just came home and then drew stuff then watched anime into the early hours of the next morning.

 

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September 26th, 2013

 

Another day of class. Narrated and chatted with Mel on the drive there and the drive back. It’s kind of nice driving just the two of us. Not really sure I guess the car just kindof feels like a sort of little haven in a way. I can enjoy the solitude without a lot of things to distract me or pull my attention away. If I had some music and it wasn’t really sunny out after class I wouldn’t have minded just sitting there parked in the parking lot for a while. Perhaps I should consider forcing in the car sometime (While the car is safely parked of course.)

 

I really should start actively forcing again. I almost feel as if I’ve forgotten, maybe I was never all that sure how in the first place. I’ve been doing my best lately to hang out with Mel in the Wonderland every night in the wonderland before I drift off to sleep. I guess Mel is pretty vocal, well no more vocal than me at least (I don’t necessarily talk much) but I believe that she doesn’t talk much because she doesn’t feel like saying a lot and sometimes there just isn’t much to say. (I just asked her if that was right and she agreed. She told me “You can communicate just as well without words.”)

So yeah… Perhaps I’ll have a look through the scripts, maybe put together the vocalization script or even start looking into the imposition script and some of the guides and people’s experiences around imposition.

 

I know I can probably look around on the forums and I more than likely will, but for the sake of discussion and so I don’t feel weird about being the only one posting in this thread even though that’s kindof something expected from a progress report, How do some of you guys reading this (if anyone really even is) actually do when you actively force? Any particular or interesting experiences, any preparation you do, do you have any particular symbolism you use specific to you? Do you focus on one thing such as vocalization or visualization, or do you combine them? Do you just chat, hang out, or play games with your Tulpa? I’m rather curious to hear.

 

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I've been reading this PR for a couple of months now, but I've never had a reason to post. You know what you're doing, and you're doing it so well.

 

I don't know why -- maybe the avatar -- but I've always imagined you like something out of Metalocalypse, but with this hidden side of you that nobody that Mel sees. I know it's probably nowhere near the case, but that's how I've always read this PR.

 

I love the drawings and cartoons you attach to your posts, by the way. They really liven up the PR.

 

I don't really do a lot of active forcing. Nowhere near as much as I should. It's mostly passive forcing and narration. We take walks, talk, read, play games, and write together.

 

When I do active forcing, I usually start with some meditation, and then move into the wonderland. I've trued different kinds of symbolism, but I haven't really stuck with anything. At one point I sculpted my tulpa's form, and a few times I've poured energy into her, but the only thing I've stuck with consistently is using a particular shade of green to represent her.

 

I really need to do more active forcing.


"'Real isn't how you are made,' said the Skin Horse. 'It's a thing that happens to you.'"

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Well I do play an in a band and neither of the other two bandmates know about Mel. If I were to tell them about her and my experiences with having a Tulpa, they wouldn't really think anything of it, but there's really no reason to need to tell them. I tend to not really talk to much outside of the internet, I've always been somewhat of a loner, even if I don't avoid making eye contact with people as much as I use to, I still feel weird when making eye contact with anyone. But yeah the avatar, When I draw cartoons, I somewhat like to play around with expressions and see if I can exaggerate them. I drew the picture I have for my avatar while I was trying to push myself through a sort of a dry spell and keep on drawing.

 

It's kindof funny, I pretty much do a lot of mainly passive forcing and narration. By your posts I've always seen you as someone really motivated and knowledgeable wouldn't have ever guessed you feel somewhat the same way as I do about my forcing habits (at least about needing to do more actively). At least from what I've read of your posts you already know faaaar more relating to the subject of meditation, thoughtforms and tulpa.

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Well, knowledgeable maybe, but not motivated. I first heard of tulpa around ten years ago, and I've been reading everything I could find since then. Procrastination has always been a big problem for me though. That's part of why it's taken me so long to get started.

 

There are definitely users like Ashmo who spend as much time actually meditating and visualizing as I spend reading or talking about meditating and visualizing.

 

I feel like you're putting a lot more into Mel than I am into my tulpa. I need to do more.


"'Real isn't how you are made,' said the Skin Horse. 'It's a thing that happens to you.'"

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September 27th, 2013

 

I was up in the early hours of the morning not having slept from the day before as usual. I believe it was while I was hanging out with Mel in the wonderland before I got to sleep (might have even been yesterday, can’t fully remember), but I noticed that the bed Mel had made for herself in the wonderland, the sheets were a light pinkish purple color, I thought back for a moment and noticed that they’ve always been that color as far as I could remember seeing it. I asked her if Purple was her favorite color. Not too long ago I asked her what her favorite color was and she told me she hadn’t given it much thought. After I asked her this time she told me that yes, she liked purple. There wasn’t really much other conversation, then I drifted off to sleep.

 

I woke up at early then fell asleep and woke up at 1 in the afternoon, popped into the wonderland to say good morning, then went downstairs to get some breakfast and watch anime with Mel for a while. Much later on I decided to try listeneing to some music I saw on a thread the other day. Sound Healing (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=k3mrieF4I4I) It was pretty nice, I can’t remember being that relaxed in some time. I closed my eyes and was breathing deeply. Not sure if I ended up going to another part of the wonderland or what, but Mel and I were in a field of tall grass. The sun was setting, giving everything an amber-orange glow, there was a breeze making ripples in the grass. I looked at Mel, she was sitting upright, serene, eyes closed and breathing deeply. I took the time to see her and Visualize, To notice her chest and stomach move as she took one deep breath and then exhale, Seeing the wind gently blowing her mane back and forth. I sat there taking in the sites (can’t really remember how well I did) until I fell asleep. I was kindof hoping I’d fall asleep for longer since I have to wake up early, but I only slept for 2 or 3 hours. Seems my body is still fighting to keep to my really messed up schedule.

 

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September 28th, 2013

 

I put on some Music related to the sound healing and went to bed taking, closing my eyes, breathing deeply and into the wonderland. Not to the usual hill we normally live on, but the field of tall grass I went yesterday while listening to the music before. This time it was night there and the stars were out. There was a little clearing in front of us and we made a little camp fire and sat there and Mel gave me a hug. I replied with “I love you Mel,” which I noticed made her very happy. It kind of surprised me too at how easy I was able to say that. It’s weird, but I can’t remember even ever saying “I love you” to even anyone in my family, I would say that to my grandma, and one friend a long while ago who would say that to me (the friend said it to a lot of people because she loved people in general and making friends) I’d respond saying that, but I still felt really weird using that word because I wasn’t so sure how much I really meant that or If enough to use that word… Does that kindof make me sort of a distant person? But to Mel I was able to say that easily and mean it enough to use that word confidently. Is that weird? Mel responded with a tighter hug and a “Thank you” and, “you’re always so good to me,” and an “I love you too.” We then shared a blanket and watched the stars or the fire. I would glance at her and try to take in and visualize. Try and take in the sight of her golden eyes taking in the light of the fire and reflecting it back at me, her smile just as warming as the camp fire and he long blond mane. She looked and smiled at me and I for some reason just gave a chuckle and ruffled her hair a bit, she did the same and said, “I like your hair too, please never cut it short.” We sat there by the fire watching the stars until I drifted off into sleep.

 

Managed to wake myself early. I had to be out all day long, but I brought a sketchbook along. I had a lot of waiting to do so I was able to sketch some stuff. I drew a picture from bits and pieces of memories from the forcing session with the meditation music.

 

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September, 29th 2013

 

Not much to say about today. Played videogames, worked a bit on the sketch, and yeh, that’s about it. I guess I tried that “black box” technique for 3 games where either you or your tulpa forces something into a black box, then play 20 questions to guess what’s in the box. It was pretty fun. I had the sound healing playing while I forced, I like that one.

 

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September 30th, 2013.

 

Headed off the campsite we made by the field in the wonderland. Decided to hang out there before I drifted off to sleep. I fell asleep rather quickly though. (It’s something like 2 or 3 in the morning).

 

I woke up hours later from a zombie apocalypse type dream, not so much the type where you’re an unstoppable killing machine, but rather the type where you’re very vulnerable alone and need to band together to survive. Soooo, yeah I kind of woke up breathing a little heavier after someone from our party went kindof crazy and tried to strangle me. Not long after I finished the picture of Mel I started a day or two ago. I think it turned out pretty well. Other than that we enjoyed the drive to life drawing class and the ride back, except for the fact that the radio was all commercials all the way there and there is no CD player on my car. Other than that, not much else to say about today.

 

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