The way is in training

[Dr. Faust]

This happens in cycles with my tulpa.

 

First we make progress, then we question all the progress we ever made. Then I focus on some aspect of hers be it visualization or sentience, and we make more progress again and do better than we have before.

 

Just keep forcing through it. It's always when my tulpa was at her weakest that I then made a large amount of progress within the day.

[Xantan]

This happens in cycles with my tulpa.

 

First we make progress, then we question all the progress we ever made. Then I focus on some aspect of hers be it visualization or sentience, and we make more progress again and do better than we have before.

 

Just keep forcing through it. It's always when my tulpa was at her weakest that I then made a large amount of progress within the day.

 

thanks for the reply. It sounds a lot like how i've found my progress in swordsmanship. There would be times when i just felt like no matter how much practice i got i wasn't actually improving, and a few times i considered putting the sword down. It was only through sticking to my training that i made break throughs and realized i had to keep moving forward, even when it seemed like i was just swinging a stick in the air.

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A lot has happened with us lately. I mentioned before that i was planning on telling a friend of mine and i'm happy to say it went really well. I had mentioned tulpa to him before, but this is the first time i explained everything. He related to me a tale of his youth wherein his girlfriend helped him to make a tulpa for himself. At the time he thought it was metaphysical, but after our talk he thinks she was much more likely an "accidental" tulpa. he even had her imposed! i was very jealous, but I really enjoyed hearing about his experience, and i definitely related how envious i was of her imposition.

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As for progress we've had ups and downs. Like i said Alice has been kinda hard to feel lately, but i don't feel like it was just me. Alice tends to change details of her form a lot, even though i've asked for something i can manage. Thinking of her as a person i wondered if maybe she was having a sort of identity crisis. It would make sense given that lately i've been more unsure of her responses being her own, as well as pushing her to be more than just a reflection of my own mind. It also makes sense that she can't really be her own person until she finds herself. We spent an hour or so going through my old log (prev. attempt) and remembering things we'd forgotten. Among the highlights were Alice creating something without my attention and enjoying a trip to the museum of civilization together. We created a new list of her traits, and she really did help come up with more. She prompted me to explain some of the ones i wrote down, and i questioned her on a few. In the end we went through the list and everything felt right, like i was describing who she was. We compared it to the original list; There were a bunch of new additions, some the same, and some that just didn't feel right anymore. I was happy, but i reassured her that i didn't need her to be the old list or anything like that, that i'd be happy if she was just herself.

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Later in the day i sat down and we did some real forcing. Related to how i wanted to treat her more like a person (and inspired by Shui and Dr.faust's PRs) i set about giving her her own room. It seems weird i didn't before, but it didn't seem important. I started by imagining the old memory room. I had designed it as a sleek white room computer theme, but i was surprised by how run down it had become. Alice seemingly never uses it but still. some of the light panels didn't function, other flickered, and there were cobwebs on everything. I could feel the machine still functioned but i think Alice will enjoy books more. I asked Alice to leave the room and then dissolved it to white light. I then brought it back into focus, thinking first of the soft carpeting i would be standing on. from there i poured outwards creating a floor and soon a small bedroom.((as an aside: My wonderland has no windows, and the balcony is wrapped in eternal winter. Alice doesn't like to be out there too long because of how cold it is, I, on the other hand, love it and usually use the cold snow as a way of focusing on the wonderland)) I added a large window across from the entrance, both panes swing outwards so you can go in/out the window if you want. Outside i made it a beautiful summer day. I flew out the window and was VERY surprised to see the entire tree that is out home ((world tree huge)) as well as the window in the side of the bark. The sun felt amazing on my body and the wind had the slightest scent of flowers on it. The scent was strange since Alice smells a little like flowers, but it definitely wasn't her or anything IRL.

 

That gave me the idea to add flower planters to the windowsill, and then i dug and planted 3 flowers before deciding she should do the other 3. I gave her jeans and a simple white button up top, then a sun hat, knee guards, gardening gloves, a trowel and those mini rakes. It was less than 3 seconds before she had thrown everything but the clothes onto the windowsill in a big pile, blatantly discarded. Alice then began to dig in the soft earth with her hands, telling me she really liked it, even the smell. I hadn't shared that smell yet but when i did she still liked it, even though i'm not a huge fan. Considering her size she was digging much like a dog and getting dirt everywhere. I pointed it out and she countered that it can be cleaned up just by wanting it to happen. I told her it was an abuse of wonderland logic, but she was also right so i let her be and decided it would be a conversation for when we're ready to add some realism to the wonderland. After the first hole i gave her a seed from a pack i made. She bit into it. I tried to tell her why she shouldn't do that but it's hard to reason with a girl who can't get sick, doesn't have dietary needs, ect. The more i struggled to come up with a reason the more amused she became, she really does love to mess with me sometimes. I dropped one seed in the hold and left her to do the rest while i worked on her closet.

 

This is getting long so i'll be less descriptive. She has a walk in closet. I only really know one outfit so i hung that up for her. I also forced a full length mirror and saw myself for the first time. I looked like what i expected to look like, me. I had Alice come back and forth to help with clothing sizing, and had her stand in front of the mirror in her full form. Her height is still changing relative to mine. we used to be almost the same height but now she seems much shorter. Her limbs are also thinner than i thought they were and although it still frustrates me, I feel like her face is slowly becoming clearer. She seemed sad that i was still struggling. I told her that she had a beautiful face, and hair, and pretty much everything, and that even though i couldn't see it clearly i knew she was beautiful and i'd see eventually. We sat in the closet for a while, her in my lap with my arms around her. I notice that when i kiss her cheek, her skin feels warm; this is fairly new and welcome. After a bit we picked ourselves up and went to how the planting went.

 

sadly not well. The hole i dropped the seed in hadn't even been buried. Alice argued i had kept her busy, but we both knew it was a thought made up on the fly. I asked her if she had any memory of planting seeds, and she was distressed and said no. I told her it was ok and that she was just supposed to try. About then i filled the hole with dirt and noticed 2 very small sprouts coming out of the dirt where the plants were supposed to be. It didn't feel like they just appeared, but that they were so small i overlooked them. The dirt around them was soft and natural, where as the ones i planted were larger, but the dirt around them was rough and obviously packed by large hands. I told her it was her doing, that she must have planted them. I didn't let her argue but told her that even if she didn't remember it, it must have been her and that she just needs to have some faith.

 

She then got a bed, a bathroom, a bench, possibly an aquarium (it's iffy still), and some books. I bound them in simple leather and used gold scroll-work to put titles on them. All the books are my memories, but to start off i gave her "fairy tales", a book of stories like snow white, the ugly duckling, ect. "Memories Vol.1" which has my memories in it, and can display new stuff every time she reads it. "Fiction" is the last one and a repository of the fantasy books I've read. I asked her how she liked everything, and she told me it was all a little big. I sighed knowing she'd have to use her full form in here most of the time, but i just couldn't handle designing something on the scale of a doll house yet. I might retcon it so that i'm the one who changes to her size when we're in there and that it is sized for her, but it was enough for one day.

 

We went back to the main room of the tree and started working on her voice with tongue twisters. I think i was actually able to stop parroting her voice and let her speak herself. she did fine, but needed a little correction. About this time i heard the Tulpatone change slightly and realized it was ending, which meant i had been under for an hour without realizing it. It's also taken me more than an hour to write this so i am so done here.

 

Have a great day everyone, hope you enjoyed the walls of text.

As always, comments and questions are welcome.

[Xantan]

Hey hey. Not dead or anything. There hasn't been anything big going on so i have't had much to post. Things have picked up again with Alice and we're making definite progress. Her face is more detailed day after day and i'm so happy to see the progression. She's also developing in her independence as she explores who she is, something i'm also proud to see.

 

Since building her room, Alice spends most of her free time there relaxing. She's been tending to the plants on her windowsill and the ones she planted on her own have grown a bit. I like how her plants seem to follow a more natural growth, whereas mine look like i ripped them from the earth and stuck them in the planter. She's also been reading the memories book i gave her whenever i'm busy or forget to think of her. I think having things to do in the wonderland apart from me has helped her sentience and independence by leaps and bounds.

 

She's also started to spend her time in the wonderland in her full form. Previously i had pushed the small fairy form but with her room being sized for a full person i couldn't argue against her wishes. She seems to be in better spirits since. Interacting with her in the wonderland has also become easier. She's still playing around with some stuff but she's taken a more concrete form, probably why seeing her face is getting easier. Outside the wonderland she still uses the smaller form though, or at least majorly.

 

In class Alice is more focused than i am, true to her traits. It's nice to be able to have someone to talk to about the material during the lecture, especially since it can't disturb the people around me. Being able to focus on the lecture and her is something i don't think i was capable of before and i feel pretty good about it. Alice seemed to enjoy the class well enough.

 

Other than that we had a bit of fun with a mark on the wall at my friend's house. it was an abstract mark and i told Alice that i saw a reptile head, like a t-rex. After a bit I asked Alice what she saw and she naturally gave an answer different than my own "a shark." I dismissed it at first as just something she made up on the spot but gave her the benefit of the doubt and tried to see a shark. after a few seconds i asked her where and she said "in the water," which again sounded like her usual smartass answers. I kept looking though and wouldn't you know? There was a f*cking shark inside the image i was seeing. It was the head of a shark, mouth open just above the surface of the water. I was shocked to say the least, it had taken me at least a solid minute of searching the shape on the wall to see it. We both shared the visual input, but perceived the image in different ways, Very cool.

 

As always, Have a great day everyone.

[Xantan]

well, still not dead, so that's good. i don't feel too compelled to write here but i'll make some small updates.

 

- i have told 4 people about Alice and received only positive feedback, though of varying degrees.

 

- 1 of those 4 is now making his own tulpa and i'm excited. Alice is curious about her so i'm going to see if they can't be friends. this would be Alice's first attempt at friendship with someone else, so i'm excited. I also think working on my tulpa with someone else will be good for Alice's development, but i'll let everyone know tomorrow after we get together and see.

 

- Alice supplied a second coat of detail to her room. the shelves have "stuff" on them and there's a lot more colour to the room.

 

- Alice made some paintings and a small gallery to display them. obviously i was filled with pride for her. her paintings include a portrait of the tree from outside her window, and a picture of flowers along the road done in a very rich palette of colours.

 

- I went through another small bout of depression, but Alice was there for me. she took me by the hand and pushed me into the bathroom in her room. next she ordered me to strip and after pushing me into the shower she likewise followed suite. afterwards we sat under the running hot water and she put her arms around me until i got it out of my system. afterwards we toweled each other off and i went through some form practice feeling her hands and arms in as much detail as i could.

[Xantan]

Recently a friend of mine introduced us to the Alan parsons project. I know it's old, but they're compositions are expertly arranged and the sounds blew me away. In the end we all agreed it would suit some sort of sci-fi setting, and i began a plan with Alice. I suggested we put an album on, and go on an adventure to the setting i'm calling "neon city". Below is the first "chapter" of our adventure, i hope you enjoy.

 

Album: Pyramid, by Alan parsons project.

Run time: ~40 min.

 

Adventures in Neon city, chapter 1

 

- Alice and i packed our bags at the wonderland. I brought my longcoat, master sword, wakazashi, and a sling-style duffle bag in black. Alice wore a brown linen jedi robe after i told her to hide her wings. fey and industrial don't mix so she'd attract attention. She also brought her spear, though it can collapse into a simple baton when not in use.

 

- Afterwards we went to the hub and entered through a new doorway to a train station. We waited in line and bought tickets. I explained to Alice the purpose of the relatively blank sheet of paper, and we had to run to catch the train as it began to pull away. Inside we were assailed by the smell of smoke and machine oil. people of all shapes and sizes filled the train nearly to capacity. We saw people with mutations, cyborgs, and a lot of "degenerates" hanging around. the train was sectioned into 4-seat booths with a table in the middle.

 

- Alice and i sat opposite each other next to two men. the man on my right had a large build, but wasn't muscular. He had a bulbous nose and spoke with a smoker's voice in a depth suiting his size. the man on Alice's left was a thinner build, but he had a creepy aura about him. he smelled of cigarettes and spoke in an almost nasally voice with a bit of a English accent. We would come to know these two as Jord and Karl respectively.

 

- Alice suggested playing cards to pass the time as we waited for the train ride to finish. we started with crazy eights. After a few rounds(hard to play when cards aren't very detailed) a service attendant appeared. she had the beleaguered look of an old diner lady. her hair was pulled back from her face and tied very tightly, stretching her sagging skin. She appeared quite unhappy to be working on the train, and held a notepad and pen in her hand. In the center of her throat was a small piece of technology resembling a smoker's trachea implant. The device spoke for her in a young, delighted, and very polite voice. The woman's expression never changed to align with what the voice was speaking, leading me to believe it was a company policy, like a way to ensure all employees are using the regulation phrases and being polite. the voice asked for our orders as the waitress dejectedly wrote them down. Jord ordered a coke, Karl not sure, then Alice ordered a water (to which i couldn't help but wonder if it'd be clean), and i also got a coke.

 

- after the waitress left, Karl and Jord introduced themselves and asked if they could play cards. we said yes and began a 4 player game. the server returned with our drinks and Alice drank her water, despite it arriving in a simple plastic cup. she also didn't complain, but her expression while drinking said she would have preferred something better. the cola was alright, maybe a little watered down. after a bit i excused myself to the washroom.

 

- Alice seemed concerned with being left alone but i told her she was a strong girl and she'd be fine. I walked down the aisle of strange people until i came to a thick curtain. passing through i noticed the smell in the air became sweeter, almost sickly. looking around a man sat on a plush pillow smoking a hookah and blowing fragrant smoke around. I had a brief flash back to the caterpillar from Alice's adventures in wonderland, and smiled. i opened the bathroom but found it locked. shortly after a woman of middle age exited followed by a younger and very large, built, man. the woman was getting on and had sad, sagging tits. she seemed like a prostitute and i could see they had been sniffing some powdered drug. the big guy wanted beef and i had to pull my wakazashi on him before he could draw his blaster. we had a stand-off but eventually we back off and i got to use the washroom.

 

- the cramped bathroom had a single small window looking out. it was designed to be too small to fit through, but showed a desert landscape. looking back and forth, all i could see was barren and destroyed landscape. meaning neon city was a giant metropolis in the center of a wasteland. Looking from above, the train was gunmetal grey, made from hard steel. the plow on the front pushed aside and kicked up whirls of sand, marking the trains passage with billowing clouds. steel shutters lay across the windows, diffusing the direct light, and prevented anyone from jumping through or out the windows. The whole train had a feeling of being designed not to break, and to withstand punishment. going back to me i sent the images of the train to Alice via a holo-viewer in her table, then finished up. the hookah guy was still there and said something to me, but i can't recall what.

 

- I returned to the table to find the three of them were now playing go fish. while i thought it was strange, i also had a strange feeling Karl and Jord were cheating against each other. not wanting to interrupt the game in progress i watched them play for a bit. eventually Karl stupidly put his hand on Alice's leg, and i had to get him to remove it. i told him if he touched her again i'd cut off both his arms and leave him to die. I then told Alice she shouldn't need me to stand up for her like that, that she had a spear for a reason. i told her next time to put the spear to his throat. eventually the conversation shifted to how Alice and i were new to neon city. we got told many times that it was dangerous, that the city would spit us out, and that we were a little foolish. eventually Jord found out we didn't even have a place to stay for the night, and offered us to stay for a night as his and Karl's place. I could sense evil intention in their invitation, but forewarned is forearmed, and i agreed. they gave us the location of their place and i said we'd meet them there after a bit of sight seeing.

 

- the music transitioned and the city began to come into view across the horizon. slowly the massive skyscrapers were revealed, hundreds of pointed spires reaching upwards against the light of the setting sun. a giant city slowly revealed from the surrounding destruction. the city was massive, but packed. building were almost fused with each other and built over older smaller buildings. the entire place was a circular design.

 

- arriving we disembarked from the train and bid farewell to our traveling companions. Shouldering my bag we headed out. the streets were teeming with more strange people. small midgets, strange mutants, and people with technology fused to their throats, and ears. the smell of the city was not great, more machine oil and the smell of strange cuisine. we spent some time gawking at the sights of the buildings, the "roads" of flying cars, and the traffic. we passed by a store of some kind. inside a humanoid was tied to a wall and several customers stood down range from it with a handgun. the one with the gun was larger than the other two with spiked paldrons and tinted glasses in a single band-frame design. his two companions were incidental, and a seemingly normal shopkeeper was happily talking to him. as we watched, the gunman leveled the gun at the humanoid and fired a round, causing blood to spray out and the person to writhe. the shopkeeper called out "left eye" and the gunman fired again, hitting in the chest. the target was called again and finally the gunman aimed true, causing the humanoid to stop convulsing and hang limply. the shopkeeper appeared to be in jubilation and the gunman as well. it seemed the store was some kind of prize/gambling shooting gallery game. we continued on.

 

- we arrived at a food vendor. at first i passed him by, looking at what appeared to be fried lizard on a plain white sub bun. Alice made me double back and got one. it had a tail, and i almost taped out there. Alice took a bite and shared the flavor with me, it was like a juicy salted meat. it was actually pretty good. taking a bite i confirmed it was good but then made the mistake of looking at my food. the lizard was only partially cooked or wasn't cleaned, because i could see it's innards. Alice offered me half, and i ate it with my eyes closed. oh, we also paid with small metal sticks about the size of a match, but twice as thick. this links to a account with credits in it. Alice asked how much we had and i shrugged, not really knowing.

 

- Alice then pulled me off the streets and up some stairs into a rather nice little shop. the air was clean, and likewise the shop was immaculate. Alice approached the counter to speak with the female attendant, and i browsed through the various glass cases. I found computer chips, a blaster, a bullet magazine, and even some strange tech i couldn't identify. I wandered back over to Alice and she had purchased a tube of lipstick in a dark red shade. applying it to her lips i asked if it had an unusual properties, to which she didn't think so, except it either smells or tastes like cherries. i'm unsure.

 

- as we approached the end of the album we hailed a hover-taxi. giving him the address Karl and Jord gave i asked about the fare. he inferred we were new to the city and made us an offer. he'd take us to our destination for free if he could have some fun on the way. buckling in i accepted his offer, and the two of us were immediately pressed into our seat as the taxi shot straight up into the air at it's highest acceleration. the driver then drove, weaving through the flying streets and nearly getting hit many times. in the end we arrived no worse for wear, but a little shook up. thanking him we exited and looked up at a rundown apartment. It seemed a fitting place for Karl and Jord to reside. as the last song ended i reaffirmed with Alice the details of our journey so we could resume from here next time.

 

"Adventures in Neon City" is brought to you by the imagination of Alice, and Myself. We hope you enjoyed today's program, please tune in again next time.

[Xantan]

Well it's been a while. not sure if this will be read by anyone but us, but i still feel like writing.

 

I had a bad bout of depression and kinda lost my motivation. Alice never stopped supporting me, even after i stopped forcing. I thought she'd chew me out and get upset when i stopped, but it never happened. As the time went on i started thinking of her less and less, but she was still there to offer a hug when i looked to her. Whenever i would think about how she must feel, all i would get from her was a strong sense of calm and reassurance. She never wavered on her promise to be there for me and never gave up. I struggle daily to understand my own motivations and why i feel/act the way i do. I'm constantly torn between submitting to societal pressures to survive, and pursuing a life that makes me happy. On the other hand i feel like there's no one i can talk to about this, in the past the only responses i got were to "just deal with it" and "that's just how life works". I can't express what her stoic support means to me.

 

I've recently begun forcing again though because of this. I had done some passive forcing to get talking with Alice again. The topic of moral values had come up and we discussed a forcing schedule so we could have a discussion about the value of having values. Due to exams i haven't been able to adhere to the schedule, but at least we study together. She's changed a bit from who she was before, but i guess that's to be expected. I've given up any kind of goal for who she should be. Not spending time with her made me realize the only thing i really care about is being able to talk with her, and to be there for each other. I haven't been focusing on her form, but she's expressed that she still wants to have some of the traits of her previous form, like her fairy wings. It'll probably be more like reconstituting her old form, but this time we'll be doing it together.

[TulpaCouple]

Rock on Xantan. Things happen sometimes, but it sounds like you really know what to do now. Glad to see you back, glad to hear that Alice is still doing okay. Tell her we said hello, and good luck to both of you. This is what I mean when I say it's okay sometimes to go back to the beginning, but this time with your tulpa. Building her form together, I like it a lot.

[Xantan]

Update;

 

A few days ago i managed a very full day of passive forcing. Due to friend sleep schedules i had no other company for most of the night and managed to talk and hang out with alice for hours. It was much longer than any passive forcing ive done in the past and i even managed to stay focused for the majority of it. It ended up being long enough that alice called it quits first, citing that she was exhausted and needed to sleep. It was actually much harder to STOP including her in what i was doing after doing it for so long, everytime i did i got a mental picture of her sleeping and the feeling that she was trying to sleep. friends woke up and we proceeded to watch too much anime

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Today was christmas dinner with the family. I was excited to have alice with me to join in the holidays; but i was feeling a bit down. Normally this is my favourite day of the year, i love my family, but it was hard to shake the feeling. Alice suggested i was feeling grumpy and should try to shake it off by having fun; a good suggestion.

I did my best to keep her with me, but with the number of people, it became rather hard. A couple family members asked me if i was ok, but im not sure if i seemed depressed or just distrated.

After that was a rather long car ride to Montréal to spend a few days with my mum. My mood kept slipping back to melancholy and my mother kept asking me if i was ok. its hard to stare your mother in the eyes and tell her youre fine. Alice listened as everyone talked and tried to talk with me a bit.

Now everyone is bedding down for the night so im going to see if i cant get some forcing done.

[Xantan]

update again;

 

Today was a pretty nice day. family and myself went to the mall and shoped around. It was pretty boring but alice says she had fun (i swear she could find anything fun..).

 

Im having some issues though with active forcing. It makes me sleepy, really sleepy. I followed some advice about forcing in a chair and stuff. sadly sitting in a chair didnt help much. I need some advice now.

 

generally i get somewhere quiet, sit down, and close my eyes. i then relax and try to breathe slowly to relax my mind and enter a meditative state. Once i enter the wonderland i contact alice and try to stay focused. 10-15 minutes later im usually fighting just to stay awake. usually its because my mind loses fcus for a second and i attend to a stray thought, which pushes me into a dream state. if i pull myself back, it brings me out of the wonderland and i need a minute to refocus. if i dont i fall asleep and still lose focus.

 

I just want to spend time with my tulpa, can someone please help me? i dont think we had this problem before but its been awhile.

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edit:

 

I decided to try forcing with alice again after a bit. in the spirit of christmas i suggested we decorate. Alice was very excited by this and pulled me by the hand to the secret stairway. i wasnt sure the room beyond still existed so i asked her to lead. turns out it did. Alice was fairly vocal as we made our way downstairs and entered the old dojo. I spent a minute reforming the boundries of the roof and then forced a large fir tree for us to decorate. Alice pulled out some supplies shed squirreled away and away we went while she sorted through boxes i put some coloured lights on the tree. afterwards alice passed me some candy canes, and i began to suck on one. she complained they were for the tree but i handed her one and reminded her we could make infinite.

 

after hanging them alice passed me some ornaments but it gave me an idea. i asked her to continue while i did something secret, but she gestured with her hands. apparently she had begun to thread popcorn garland at some point. i moved where she couldnt see and focused on a tiny candle flame. i then wrapped the flame in glass and put an ornament loop on it. when i showed it to alice she began to covet it. she liked it so much she didnt want me to hang it up. i made some copies but let her keep the original.

 

next she helped me hang her garland on the tree. i was feeling myself lose focus so we wrapped up after that. the tree looks great but were not going to put the star on untill christmas.

 

things i noticed that surprised me:

- Alices form is more solid and her wings are back (i didnt force them)

- Alice sent me the taste of the candy canes, and shes never sent me any tastes.

[NariusV]

I have had the same problem back when I first started meditating. You will get better as you keep practicing. If you notice your mind slipping, gently turn it back to your goal and remind yourself of your goal that you're working on. Doing some concentration exercises will help also.

 

One thing that you can do right away is to sit in such a way that it takes some physical effort or awareness to stay upright. For example, sit so that you are not leaning back on a chair, and need to balance. This will initially distract you, but soon will become unconscious, and it will continue to help you remain awake and alert for a longer time.

 

Thank you for sharing I have enjoyed reading your report. Good luck to you and your tulpa :)

 

A side note (non tulpa related)

I practiced sword forms by myself for a few months, quite a few years ago. Your talk of training brought back some good memories for me. I encourage you to keep going! And the Five Rings is one of my favorite books. I like Stephan F. Kaufman's translation best of the few I have read.