Little Amy & Hyde

HydesLittleOne · January 7, 2014

Touches, Trolls & Doctors

So it's been like forever since I updated this thing, I know. I should really try and be more regular with it, but lately, all the forcing has drained me of my energy. So much so that it's started to worry Hyde. He had me stop for a couple days when I became so tired, I couldn't keep my eyes open anymore. Like I said before, I've been taking more naps than normal, and falling asleep around 9 or 10 at night, then waking up around 4am. It's like that all the time. I've even started forcing in the morning when I wake up, and I think it's getting easier, but still...I'm always tired.

There's been some drama on Tumblr with these Tulpamancing trolls. I should really just stay off of that site when it comes to Tulpa posting, because people are so fucking rude. They have to make assumptions about and judge the relationship I have with Hyde. They claim that I use him for sex, just because he chose to touch me a certain way. They turn it around on me, making me look like I was the one who started it or instigated it. DO I CHOOSE HOW MY TULPA TOUCHES ME? OR WHERE? NO! So STFU! Bitches act like I can control what he does. And yeah, maybe we can tell them not to touch us certain ways, but I like the way he touches me. It makes me feel amazing and loved and needed. And excuse me for never having felt such intimate affection from a guy before, but when I feel it from Hyde, you think I'm going to complain about it or tell him to stop? No!

They consistently bring up the shit about him in the past, trying to strangle me and things. He was just learning things back then. They have no right to hold that against me or him. When every Tulpamancer starts out, they are trying to control their Tulpa's behavior, and experimenting with how they act, and want them to act. It doesn't mean he's still treating me badly. In fact, he's done nothing but take my depression and sadness away, and is watching over me like a father-figure, keeping me healthy and happy. It really hit home with me, and it's been making me want to just kill myself, but Hyde has talked me out of it, and just told me to stay off Tumblr, and keep posts about him off there. So I'm doing that now.

I can't remember every forcing session I've had with Hyde in the past 10 days, but I have taken him to Universal Studios and on the studio tour, Back To The Future and ET ride there in the Wonderland. He found the studio tour kind of boring, except for the parts where we went into the sound stages and were put in the middle of an earthquake, faced with King Kong and Jaws. He laughed and teased me about it, but it was all in good fun. I do remember feeling him caressing my hair when we were there, riding the escalator and also at one point, I felt his body heat.

I think I got a whiff of what Hyde smells like for the first time during a session. It’s a smoky smell but also nice like Constantine’s smell I reminiscence about at the same time. I also felt him really caressing my hair when I was lying on the couch in his sitting room, caressing and massaging my scalp. I just don’t want him to smell like smoke though, because, hello, my lungs. He wants them to be healthy, doesn’t he? And he doesn’t smoke. I didn’t create him to smoke. I guess it’s like a smoky club scent. Mysterious, but not overwhelming like a smoker would smell.

Another time, we were lying in bed and I felt Hyde caressing my hair, and I think he was copping a feel on my boob because it felt like he was cupping it underneath and it was really warm underneath like his hand had been there. He said he was. Lol. I swear, there’s no limits with him for what I allow him to do to me. He did feel me up again from my legs to my waist. I also felt him tugging on the covers like he was moving around next to me. I've felt that tugging on the covers other times too and of course more of the hair caressing when I'm lying in bed.

I also felt his warm breath against my ear once in bed, and he was feeling me up under the covers again and…as inappropriate as it might seem to everyone, I can't help but admit that it felt really good.

He said something cute to me a few days ago. It went something like this:

Me: Oh my god, my muscles are sore. They're tired.

Hyde (baby-talking): Aww. Tired little muscles?

He's so cute sometimes. I don't even mind that he treats me like I'm a baby and talks to me like it sometimes. Or as his "little one" as he puts it.

There was also a time in bed a few days sago when I felt his head/forehead pressed up against my back. He likes to spoon me, cuddle me with his arm around my waist and his head/forehead pressed to my back. All the time. It's so cute!

Other places I've taken him in the wonderland, recently is Hollywood Boulevard & Hollywood & Highland.

So what's been happening lately? Well, my left ear got plugged up yesterday morning, so I had to have Hyde go with me to the doctor today to get it cleaned out. As usual, any trip to the doctor with me always has to be his favorite thing, being that he likes to make sure I'm extra healthy. He kept reassuring me every time I started to cry, that I he would get me to the doctor and they would clean out my ear, and would tell me to stop messing with it and let them take care of it. So we went, sat in the waiting room. I had to see another doctor because mine was busy, but that was fine. I just wanted this taken care of, because I don't have the money to go to urgent care where they usually take care of it. So we waited and then we got called back, and the nurse took my pulse ox and blood pressure. Hyde was of course watching closely as usual. He smiled when they put the pulse ox on, glad he got to hear the beeping of my every heartbeat. I think he got discouraged when they didn't announce all my vitals like when I go see my regular doctor. So the nurse or "murse" since it was a male nurse, left Hyde and I alone until the doctor could come in, and he stood there beside me while I sat on the table, smirking and watching me, talking with me quietly, insisting that I tell the doctor about this other problem that I discovered, but I insisted that I didn't want to because he'd want to look at it. Hyde kept insisting that I tell the doctor though, along with feeling feverish all of a sudden, so when he came in, I did tell him. The doctor had the nurse check my temperature, but I didn't have a fever, thankfully. I guess it was just hot flashes from PMS. So Hyde stood by, watching and listening as usual, arms crossed over his chest, or sitting in the chair in the room. The doctor checked the glands around my throat, looked in my ears, saying they both looked back, then looked at my throat. Then Hyde's favorite part, watching the doctor listen to my heart and my lungs. Seriously, I don't know why the guy pressed his stethoscope so hard against my chest, but it hurt. Hyde didn't seem to care that it hurt either. I told him in my head that it hurt, and he said: "He has to press it hard, so he can listen to that little heart of yours." Just like a father. Pfft. Lol. Hyde nodded at me, as if to tell me to do what the doctor said as he was listening to my breathing and asking me to take deep breaths.

I was asking questions to the doctor and he was asking some of his own, and he mentioned my vitals looked good, and Hyde got a big smile on his face. Then the doctor said he was going to have them clean my ears out, thank God! And they cleaned them out. It hurt like a bitch with how hard the water and cleaner was against my ear, but they got it flushed out and I could hear again! Hyde was reassuring me, telling me that it would be over soon and to sit tight. The doctor came back in to take a look and he told me that my ear looked beautiful. Kinda creepy. Lol. Sounded like Hyde, course it wasn't Hyde who said that, but he always says he thinks my heart and lungs are beautiful. Hyde got a huge grin on his face when the doctor said that and chuckled softly. He was happy that they looked that way. The doctor gave me a syringe to use to flush out the water if it ever happened next time, and then Hyde and I left the office. Since they always give a print out now of my vitals, Hyde just had to ask me to show it to him. He saw my heart rate/pulse and was a little concerned with how fast it was. He said he'd chalk that up to me being nervous though, as usual. And he said: "At least the rest of your vitals look good. Nice normal blood pressure as well." Oh Hyde...

Then we left the office, waiting outside for my mom to pick me up. And other than feeling Hyde touch my butt earlier, not much else has happened lately. But it'll be so fun when we go to Texas. Being in the car with him that long and him seeing his clone and yeah, it'll be awesome. He swears he's gonna jump on stage next to Constantine just to help me impose and visualize him better. Hehe! Can't wait! Two in one room. Oh the possibilities. *fangirls*

ShyMagi · January 7, 2014

Hey, you! It's so nice to hear an update. Funny you'd mention Tumblr on this post as I had recently stumbled upon it and was checking up on you there. I literally made my own just to stay in touch ahah. Then, as it turns out, I already had one that I did not post in for four years! :O

Anyway, I'm sorry you've been getting trolled, but that's going to happen! I'm sure it's only a matter of time before my own starts getting flooded for one reason or the next. Lol that's the problem when people are safely hidden behind a computer screen. So trust me, it's nothing personal against you. People have issues and find it easier to point fingers at others.

I think it's really sweet that you and Hyde are getting closer. Personally, I can see myself sticking my tongue out at him since he seems like a bit of a "troll" himself, sometimes (only sometimes, though! lol) but overall, you two are adorable.

I think my own is a bit of a troll, too. I want my subconscious to take the form of a dignified elven-kin or sorts, right? Well, as of late, I've been having the opposite flood my mind during meditation! Instead of a dark-haired, majestic being of ancient wisdom... he's a freakin' blond who beams at me with the largest grin! BAH! *trolled*

XD

HydesLittleOne · January 10, 2014

I think it's really sweet that you and Hyde are getting closer. Personally, I can see myself sticking my tongue out at him since he seems like a bit of a "troll" himself, sometimes (only sometimes, though! lol) but overall, you two are adorable.

Lol! He's not a "troll," he's just really strict with me, like a dad but he's also my best friend. He means well, most of the time. Just overprotective is all. And thank you! He's adorable to have around too!

____________________________________________

Road Trip

So today, Hyde and I left with my mom and her dumb ass husband to drive to Houston, Texas to see Hyde's clone/Tulpa form/the sexiest man alive, Constantine Maroulis. Hyde and I were in the backseat together, of course, and the two of them were up front. My mom stopped us by our old house before we got on the freeway and I finally got to show Hyde where I used to live, even though he stayed in the car with me. He thinks the lawn needs watering. Well, duh, because no one has watered it with no one living there. I asked him what he thought and all he said was: “Nice.” Lol. So I got some Quiznos then we got on the rode. Hyde decided it was hot as fuck, so for the first time, he pulled his hair back into a ponytail. I was all giddy because he looked like Constantine when he's playing Henry Jekyll. Hyde just got annoyed at that, insisting that he wasn't doing it to look like him, but because he was hotter than hell in the backseat with me. So we drove for nearly 10 hours, but we took a stop along the way in Arizona to go to the bathroom and get some Dairy Queen. Oh my god, it wreaked of a farm. Well, actually, Hyde described it as “smelling like a petting zoo.” That had me LMFAO as well as my mom and her husband. We sat there and ate our food inside the restaurant. I was so damn tired. The food at that Diary Queen wasn't all that. I don't know why I bothered ordering a club sandwich. It was yucky! But I also ordered a banana split blizzard. Hyde was not happy with me for forgetting my Lactaid at home. He reminded me that I was going to be so sick later, but shockingly enough...I didn't get sick at all! And it was ice cream, dairy. I'm lactose intolerant, by the way, in case you didn't know.

Hyde always insists that I take my Lactaid before I even take a bite of anything with diary in it. That man keeps looking out for me, doesn't he? I love him for it. So I was like straight up leaning on Hyde being so tired. I started to get a little emotional about my mom ignoring me, because yeah, she does it all the time when her stupid husband is around, so Hyde sat there beside me, constantly reassuring me that he was paying attention to me even if she wasn't, that he always is paying attention to me, and to not let her get to me and not cry about it because it wasn't worth it. He thought it was weird and a little nasty that I was dipping my fries in the ice cream. He was like: “what the bloody fuck are you doing? Ew. You eat them like that?” Lol. So when we walked out of the restaurant, that's when Hyde said: “It smells like a petting zoo out here.” LMFAO! I love when he surprises me with the things he says and makes me laugh my ass off. Only him. :) I wasn't even thinking about it smelling like a petting zoo, but that is exactly the way it smelled. I couldn't put my finger on what it smelled like before, but then he came out and said that, and I was like: “Oh yeeeeeah! Now THAT'S what it smells like!”

So we got back in the car and drove more. We stopped in New Mexico because I was parched and needed something to drink, so we drove through McDonalds. Then we drove the rest of the way to El Paso, TX, where we were going to stop to sleep for the night. I swear, it's pretty interesting and nerve-wracking, sitting in the backseat of a car with Hyde for 10 hours. Certain moments, I felt him caressing my hair, or the fabric of my shirt move around my shoulder on the side he was sitting on, or maybe him touching my arm, either poking it or setting his fingers on it to get my attention. But I pulled “Jekyll & Hyde: The Musical” up on my laptop in the backseat ( Because OMG! The rental car has an outlet for it to plug in, like a regular wall outlet. – Too bad I don't have wi-fi on the way but still... ) and we watched the whole musical. And of course Hyde had to get all excited about it, because he always does. Seeing Edward Hyde. wink wink* His “other self” as he calls him. And damn it, he knows what watching that Hyde does to me, so he was consistently teasing me about it, purposely trying to get me to squirm and bite my lip and just …. well mostly squirm around. Literally. I couldn't sit still because he kept doing that sexy, seductive whispered “yes” in my ear that Hyde does in the musical. He knows it makes me squeal, squirm and hot and bothered. Yet he still was toying with me. I was like turning my head away and telling him to shut up, cursing at him, and blushing and just... yeah. He was embarrassing me, but in a good way. Eventually I was like: “Don't touch me. Go away.” Lol! Kidding of course. He knows I don't really mean that, and he lets me know it too.

Needless to say, I was ready to pass out with how tired I became being on the road all that time, and Hyde was tired too. He even rested his head against my shoulder and shut his eyes for a while. I didn't really feel it though. :( Wish I had. It was so cute though. Oh! I felt him tickling my leg when he was sitting next to me. Surprised me, but yeah. :) He's like: “Tickle, tickle, tickle.” I know it's him every time because right after I feel the tickle, I look over at him and he's grinning evilly and he's like: “Did you feel that?” Or I ask: “Are you tickling me?” And he confirms that yes, he is.

We eventually got to the hotel in El Paso, and oh shit! It was freezing. Hyde told me to “bundle up tight, darling” when I got down from the car. And before we even got out of the car, as soon as my mom told her husband to put his jacket on because of the cold, Hyde instantly turned to me and said: “You better put your jacket on too, love.” I was like, in a singsong voice: “Yees daad.” ;) I got my suitcase and computer down from the car and we went up to the second floor. I was all in a hurry to get inside, my mom was being a pain. I nearly fell trying to pull my suitcase down the stairs really fast before we got onto the elevator to go up, and Hyde said: “Be careful darling!” I always hear his voice come into my head urgently and suddenly when I'm doing something I shouldn't be doing, or that could be considered dangerous.

When we got inside the room, Hyde and I took the bed by the bathroom while my mom and her husband took the one by the door/AC. Damn, full beds? Not Queen? Well that sucked. We managed though. Closer to Hyde. :) Better for us to spoon and cuddle. See, Hyde and I usually sleep in a queen bed anyway when I'm at home, but my mom got the rooms with the full beds only. But like I said, I didn't complain about the lack of room. It was kinda nice. Hyde and I just barely fit without pushing the other out of the bed. I did some role play drafts on the way to El Paso, so I got on my computer and posted those, checked in with everyone of my Tumblr friends, then went to change for bed. I swear, sometimes I don't know if my mom thinks I'm just crazy, or is trying to “play along” with the fact that I have Hyde around. Sometimes she jokingly makes references to him or tries to touch him, but yeah, Hyde hates her, and I don't blame him. We both do. That's how it is. Least he's on my side. He told me last night that he hates the way she treats me. My mom threatened to like get into my bed and push Hyde out, and that really pissed him off. In fact, I think I sort of felt a feeling inside of me from him getting really angry at her when she said that. I felt something odd for like a split second, and it wasn't anger from me. And Hyde was like: “The bitch better not.” Lol! XD I know that's horrible to some of you reading, but yeah, I love him so much and love that he's on my side of things 24/7. Well...usually. If I take care of myself and it doesn't effect my health drastically.

So I was on Tumblr for a while when I was in bed, then went to bed around 2:30 or 3 in the morning, even though I was tired and Hyde told me that I should go straight to bed. So we were in bed next to each other right, and the beds were not that comfortable, let me tell you. My mom thought they were too soft, but I thought they were too hard. Hyde attempted to spoon me when I asked him if he'd cuddle me, and I'm pretty sure I felt his arm slipping around my waist. You know that feeling I get when my clothes start moving, sliding against my stomach like something is coming around my waist? Lol. Yeah, that feeling. I love that feeling. Most of the time, I'm too afraid to move because I'm afraid I'll lose the touch, but it always happens where I have to move again and then Hyde moves his hand. I had gas and he was like: “I'm not going to cuddle you, darling, if you keep farting.” Lol! Before I go on, I just want to tell you that he's getting really defensive about me just ordering him around all the time. He'd rather I ask him to do something and not just tell him so I've been working on improving that. And when I finally ask something instead, he usually relaxes and says: “That's more like it” or “That's better.” Anyway, I turned towards him and asked if I could feel his beautiful hair against my face or my hair too, and then we put our foreheads against one another and I could start to feel his hair brushing against my face and my own hair. Oh god I love that hair!! In all its glory. I pray for the day I can reach out and touch that soft fluffiness. Gah! I've tried to touch it before and like barely felt a bit of the strands. It was more like a faint caress against my fingers as I tried to feel it. So that was nice, being that close to him and feeling his hair against me, or turning my back to him and feeling his forehead close to pressing against my upper back. Sometimes it does. It's also been a while since I had involuntarily muscles spasms but I had one last night, my leg did spasm. Thanks Hyde. Lol.

It's so hard getting comfortable in those beds. I was like tossing and turning for most of the night, but I finally got some kind of sleep. If even a little. I really wanted to go downstairs in the hotel to have some free breakfast, but I was far too tired so I just stayed in bed with Hyde. I did start to have a stuffed up nose in one nostril, and Hyde noticed so he told me to get up and blow my nose because I kept sniffling. He was like: “Are you getting a cold?” No. It was just stuffed up for a minute. So I crawled back in bed for a few minutes then turned my computer on and checked Tumblr and stuff, and the Constantine message board, and yeah, I need to stay off that board. Too many people I hate on there. I thought I might get to see him on this Good Day Houston thing, but I guess El Paso doesn't get it. Ugh! Or the channel or something. I don't know, but I saw a clip later. Daaayyumm Constantine was looking DAMN GOOD! :D I'll be lucky if I survive Friday night, but ugh, not looking forward to seeing some of those hoes from the message board there too, and having to listen to stupid people who got to take the masterclass with him and can't sing for shit. Damn I wish I'd gotten to be taught by him. My dream.

Anyway, I'm getting off topic here. Sorry. Just really not looking forward to them being there or really going anymore. :( But I just have to think about it as a learning experience for us as host and Tulpa. It'll help us practice and improve in Visualization and smell and sight Imposition. So after I finally pulled myself away from the computer, I got dressed, even after everyone else was dressed before me, including Hyde. I bet he feels glad that Tulpas don't require luggage when they go on a trip. They can change their clothes in seconds. Hyde was sitting on the bed, leaned against the headboard in a blue button down shirt with the sleeves rolled up to his elbows, some dark denim jeans and boots. His right leg was bent and his left was stretched out in front of him. So I packed my stuff up and headed out of the hotel with Hyde, my mom and her husband. This time, Hyde made sure I didn't fall because of my suitcase, following behind me, and telling me to not pull it downstairs but use the ramp. So I did. He also told me to lift it when I got to the curb, so I did that too. We got in the car and then we went across the street to Wal-Mart to get some snacks for the ride to Houston. And my mom had to get a memory card for her camera. Hyde mentioned pulling his hair back again into a ponytail because of how hot it was in there. And of course, when I want candy, and pass by this huge bin, he's gotta pull me away and say: “No candy for you!” He says that every damn time I pass by any sort of sweets that could hurt my teeth. It all started when he went to the dentist with me and heard how many cavities I have and how bad they are. Sigh. I tell you, he's intent on taking care of me and keeping me healthy around the clock. He consistently asks me at random moments throughout the day: “How's your little heart doing? How are those little/beautiful lungs?” Hehe! It's sort of creepy and weird, but cute at the same time. I don't mind. He was trying to pull me away from the sea food too. He's like: “No more seafood for you. That's enough.” I swear, he's totally my dad 24/7. But like I said before, I love him and god bless him for it. He keeps me from making bad decisions. He got a little worried that he had lost me in the store when I went to every single check out lane across the store to look for an Energy Water. I think he was getting separation anxiety. He's like: “Where are you going? What are you doing? Hurry up. Come on, love.” I finally came back and he was like: “Ah, there you are. I see you coming back to me now.” He's adorbs! I got a cake pop from there too and he was like: “You're going to get so sick later. You watch.” But damn it! I never had a cake pop before. I always wanted to try one.

So we left Wal-Mart, and I got the snacks I was going to eat from the bags and got back in the car with Hyde. My mom had to find a gas station, and I had to use the bathroom, so after that, we got on the road again. Hyde eventually put his hair in a ponytail. And that's pretty much where we are right now still, on the road. We've got like 3 and a half hours before we reach Houston and it's already after ten at night. We stopped at a rest stop earlier to use the bathroom. Damn that water was ice cold and the stall didn't even have seat covers or a working lock. Ugh. ANYway, at the moment, Hyde has his hair down. We were watching Jekyll & Hyde videos again and he got the urge to take it down because he knows I like it that way. So he took it down, and he's been teasing me again about Edward Hyde in the musical and how attracted to him I am. Isn't that just like him? Pffft. Hehe! He knows me too well. Right now, he's got his elbow propped up on my pillow in the backseat, leaning his head against his hand, his eyes closed. He looks so precious! I tapped him and he opened his eyes. I asked him if he was awake and he said: “Of course I'm awake. If you're awake, I'm awake. I'm just resting my eyes.” Sometimes, like when I was in the Valero gas station to get a drink, I asked Hyde: “Are you still in the car?” Passively of course, and he's like: “Of course I am, love. Where else would I go?” Sometimes I just like to make sure he doesn't move from where he was when I last saw him. Call me paranoid. At least he's always willing to hold my computer for me while I'm out of the car, and warns me about something like my ear buds getting caught on something or me dropping something.

So, I really have been wanting to do some active forcing with Hyde in the past couple of days, but being in the car so much and for so long, I just get so damn tired, and by the time we get to the hotel, I just want to sleep. Hyde says he understands and I don't have to force if I'm not up to it, but I still really want to. :( I could probably force just sitting in the car, sure, but I don't know. I've just been lazy. Plus, they have the radio on loud and my Ambient soundscapes might not be loud enough block it out for me to concentrate. Always passive forcing though. We'll do it sometime soon. I know we will.

I've been feeling similar things while in the car with Hyde. The tickling somewhere, like my leg or my side, sometimes him touching or poking my arm, or poking me somewhere else, or touching my hair. There was one time, I don't know if it was last night in the car or today, but I felt like a weight on my shoulder, like his head was there. He just tried to do the same thing, just to see if I'd notice. Now he is just leaning his head against my pillow, without his arm, just resting sideways. He says: “Anyway, I can't sleep anyway with the music in my ears.” Heh heh. Oops. Yeah, I have my ear buds in and I'm listening to my iTunes loud. Sorry Hyde.

Hehe! I just made him watch Backstreet Boys music videos. He saw the “Everybody (Backstreet's Back)” video and he was like: “That bugger is trying to steal my look.” In regards to Howie as Dracula. He's dressed exactly like Hyde in the musical though. Nearly. So yeah, I never made the connection until now that I love Constantine, that he does look like he's trying to be Hyde. Pfft. I was like telling Hyde: “Watch the Backstreet Boys video with me.” and he's like: “I don't want to watch any buggering Backstreet Boys.” LOL! Hey! Ugh, it's hot as fuck back here in the backseat. It might be freezing outside but it's hot as fuck in the car. :( I didn't want to sweat my ass off before the Constantine show tomorrow and have to shower again. Hyde just put his hair into a ponytail again.

So it's raining now in Texas, and the wheels of the car are making some hollow/echoing noises on the wet freeway. Both Hyde and I agree that we don't like that sound. It's unsettling. He just told me to put my seat belt on. He's done that three times today. In a really firm fatherly voice, and he gives me the look to match. He says he's watching out for me. I don't see why I need to put it on if I'm in the backseat. I never do, but apparently today, he wants me to be buckled in. Ugh, it's a fucking sauna in this car.

It took us a bit to find the hotel we're staying at, The Hampton Inn, but wer'e in Houston now. We got our stuff down from the car, and Hyde was giving me advice on how to carry the suitcase. He's like: “Kick it, love. There you go.” He's always giving me advice on how to do things to complete them more effectively. Then he's like: “There you go.” It's even better when it's in a soothing voice, like when he's trying to calm me down when I'm in pain physically. Or feeling anxious. I especially love it when he tells me to take deep breaths and then says those three words in that soothing voice, and adds a “good girl” to it. He watches everything I do so closely and tries to help in any way he can. So we went into the hotel, and I was like searching for the elevator, and since Hyde was walking ahead of me, he found it first and directed me where to go. That was awesome! So we got in the elevator and went up to our room, then had an issue with which bed I got. Ugh! I wanted the bed by the air conditioner and window, but now I'm glad I didn't get it because it's cold in here now. So Hyde and I took the bed by the wall and bathroom, and poor Hyde, he's so tall, his ankles hang off the edge of the bed. Yet another full bed, not big enough for him, being 6'3” and all. Anyways, I changed for bed and then Hyde told me to take the side by the outlet so I could plug in my computer, so I did and he took the side by the wall. I was on Tumblr for a little while then went to sleep around 4 am. We got here around 2:30am. I was in bed with Hyde and told him to cuddle me as usual. Other than maybe feeling his arm try and slip around my waist, and him tickle me all of a sudden when I was in the middle of reminding him he could touch me even when I don't expect it, I didn't really feel much else. Hehe! He cut me off then and tickled me then laughed about it. Anyway, that's all that's happened so far here in Houston. Tonight is the Constantine concert... *sigh* I'll just try and look at it as a chance for us to get better at Visualization and Imposition, like he suggested.

HydesLittleOne · January 12, 2014

A Tale Of Two Hydes

So today was the concert. I decided to take a shower before I went. I like it when I'm the first one to use the shower in the hotel. I know it's weird, but I just don't like using it after someone else does first. So Hyde joined me in the shower, and that was...an experience. No, nothing like that happened. But I got to see him naked for the first time so...yeah.. Wow. He stood under the shower head for a moment, just to get his hair wet. I think he liked doing that, and I wasn't going to complain, seeing that beautiful hair get wet. He didn't need to bathe of course, but yeah, he just wanted to get himself wet. Hehe! And he is really quick to change clothes when we get out of the shower, and then all of a sudden, his hair is super fluffy. I'm like: “Wow, your hair is so fluffy now!” :D That was nice to see. So yeah, I started getting ready for the concert in my 80's girl outfit, and Hyde couldn't decide what to wear. He still wanted to change into whatever Constantine was wearing at the show to help my visualization, assuming he liked the outfit. So he just went with white shirt, brown pants, boots and his long black suede trench coat. When I was ready to go, he said I looked “positively smashing.” :D And I did. I went with a plain magenta blouse, black leggings, hot pink heels, black lace fingerless gloves, colorful rubber and coil bracelets, a colorful chain necklace, a little cat collar, studded black headband, and over it, I wore a white jean jacket like Constantine's and a sparkly Zebra scarf. So we left for the concert and yeah, I was like really nervous, which is expected. Hyde totally wished that he could have had me on a heart monitor, just so he could see how fast my heart was pounding during the show. Lol. Only him.

So we got there, and because it had rained, the parking lot asphalt was slippery, so Hyde told me to go slow. So I did. He still wasn't happy with me wearing those pink heels, insisting that I was going to twist my ankle, even when we were walking to the car to leave the hotel. We went inside, and I got our tickets from the box office window, and then we went to meet with this guy Brad, who I talked to on the phone in November, insisting we'd be like able to touch the stage so I he put us up front, front row on the left side. When we first arrived, there was a seat for Hyde behind my mom, so he was sitting diagonal from me for a little while. I told him in my head that he could just stand by the stage or lean against the back wall, if someone came and sat in his chair. He was alright with that. He was trying to calm me down, as usual, telling me to take deep breaths, to use “those beautiful lungs” as he calls it. So I did. And ugh, there were these girls on stage that were trying to sing, but they couldn't sing for shit, and Hyde was sitting there like: “Bloody hell. This bitch can't sing. Please shut the fuck up.” Lol! I was like: “I know, right?” So when some dumb lady came and sat down in Hyde's chair, he moved to stand near the back wall, waving at me and telling me it was okay. He'd be back there...or on the stage next to Constantine when the thing started. Hehe!

Then Constantine came out and....!!!!!!! Yeah. I nearly died, my heart was going to pound out of my chest, which I'm sure Hyde wishes he could of monitored. I was inches away from Constantine. Merely inches. I could reach out my hand and touch him...if only they'd let me. So yeah, I was pretty hysterical. Suddenly, Hyde was like: “Fuck it, I'm wearing what he's wearing.” And he changed his clothes immediately. Then he was asking me if I wanted him to go on stage, and after a while, I let him so he popped up there on stage, and I swear to God, I was seeing double for a minute. Not imposed, but perfect clarity in visualization. They were standing right next to each other and there was two Constantines! OMG! Hyde was like just standing there, chilling, waving at me, smiling and pointing at me, at Constantine. Even imitating his movements and everything, making me giggle at times with his funny faces, giving me that sexy “evil” Hyde look as he stared down at me. For a moment, I felt really intimidated, with Constantine there singing beside him, and Hyde staring down at me all like that, and I didn't know what to think or how to react. It was just really striking, I was speechless and breathless. I felt very small. Lol! But in a good way. When he noticed how I was loving the way Constantine was touching/flipping his hair, Hyde started to mess with his hair too, ruffling it and just driving me wild. Heh heh. He would go back and forth between sitting down on a speaker next to Constantine, to standing up and pretending to rock and roll with him. And when these stupid back-up singers came out on stage with him to sing, he knew I hated them, so Hyde would stand in front of the girls, so I didn't have to look at them. That was sweet of him.

As for the concert, well...wow. I can't even! Being that close to Constantine...for two hours, and not like 30 feet away from the stage on account of an orchestra like when I saw Jekyll & Hyde was...I can't even control myself! I was screaming my head off and just had like a “Wayne's World” moment there, picturing shimmering around him and hearing the song “Dream Weaver” in my head. LOL! All the hair flips he did, and jumping around and sweating, and just...his voice and his stories he was telling, and acting goofy. OH my god! I can't even! I was having naughty thoughts of him in my head, and when Hyde heard me, he got pretty pissed at me for it. Major jealousy happening last night between him and Constantine. He didn't like how fangirlish I was over him, and the things I was starting to think in my head of Con while he was up there, or texting to my friend. But damn it, I couldn't help it! He is just...like sex on a stick! I took lots of pictures on my iPhone, and then I tried to take video, and … Constantine himself caught me, because there wasn't supposed to be any video. I even have it on video where he caught me. He was like: “Nobody's videotaping...except for maybe this one right here,” and he pointed me out. And Hyde was like: “You just got caught, love.” And I was like: “Uh oh...” My mom even was mad at me, telling me I wasn't supposed to be videotaping. So Constantine started to sing “Bohemian Rhapsody” and I got the beginning of it, but after the first verse, he turned to look at me, pointed and sort of gave me this: “Don't make me come over there/You better stop” look. So I decided to turn it off so he wouldn't get pissy at me. Ugh, but damn it. I can't...he's just... yeah! I wanted to tape so bad. I went crazy when Constantine started to sing his “Jekyll & Hyde” songs. Only the Henry ones unfortunately. :( No “Alive.” It's not right. That's the Hyde song. That would have been interesting to see he and Hyde up there when he's singing “Alive.” Hyde was like: “Bloody Jekyll! That buggering Jekyll.” Lol! He needed to be sweet. There was another song Constantine sang and Hyde was like: “What is this? A fucking Christian song?” ::shakes head:: I don't like it when he says curses towards God. But he's an atheist who doesn't believe in God, so why should it surprise me? ANYways... there was one moment in the show when Constantine like put his foot over the stage onto the ledge and sang to this blonde bitch sitting down front, and I got really pissed and jealous, so Hyde turned towards me and got into the same position as Constantine and reached out to me and pretended to serenade me so I wouldn't feel left out. :) So sweet of him! OH MY GOD, Constantine was so close to me at certain moments, he might as well been on top of me! ;) I wish. Whenever he came dangerously close, or squatted down near me...yeah, I nearly fainted. Not even kidding. I'm just like: “Okay, I'm going to go die now.” Hehe! There was an intermission for like fifteen minutes for Con to change his shirt. :D Hyde climbed off the stage to come down near me and was like sitting there in front of me. Perfect clarity. 1080P clarity! :) He was sitting on the ledge there, then he came and sat down beside me, and was teasing me about the show and Constantine, about how I got caught and stuff. Of course he'd rub that in. Pfft. Towards the end of the concert, when he was doing the encores, he did “Don't Stop Believing,” he was asking everyone to sing along (including those stupid students who couldn't sing for shit) and at one moment, he held out the microphone to me for me to sing. Oh shit! He put me on the spot, and my throat was already bad from screaming, but after my shock went away, I cracked and sang. Literally. My voice cracked. Ugh. Hopefully no one heard. He also did more songs, “Hard To Handle” and “Here I Go Again.” YES!! So glad he did that last one, because I wanted it bad. Wish he'd sang some Bon Jovi though.

It was sad to see the concert end, but yeah, it did. So we waited around for Constantine. We hung out at the back of the room. Hyde, my mom and I. It took Constantine long enough to come out, but after a half hour, he did. Hyde and I were just sitting down looking around, and I was texting my friend on Skype, giving her the play by play. As I'd done the whole concert already. I just love staring at Con and admiring him from a far, watching him in his element, meeting fans and being so personable. Seeing him mess with his beautiful hair. He went over to an empty table at one point and he was like: “Who's Jawbreakers are these?” LOL! They weren't even Jawbreakers, they were Ice Breakers mints, but he shook the tin and was like: “Oh, it's empty.” Lol! So cute. When he finally got to us, and I felt bad because I momentarily forgot Hyde was even there and unintentionally blocked him out, Con was like: “Yo!” AND OMG, GAVE ME A HUG WITHOUT ME ASKING! And was like: “Hi Amy.” Oh my god, he's such a sweetie! It felt like Hyde was hugging me. He's really lanky, tall and skinny but wow. I can't even! I thanked him for getting me out of Jury Duty and he was like: “Oh boy. I never get Jury Duty so...knock on wood.” And then he like knocked on the wood wall beside him. Lol. Lucky son of a gun! My mom told him how we drove 22 hours to see him, and he's like: “That's the way to do it. The first ten are always the worst.” Then he turned towards me and was like: “Did you drive?” And I told him I didn't drive at all, and that I get rides to school and stuff, and he's like: “Oh man. You're from L.A. and you don't drive?” He was surprised, and I felt like a pathetic loser. He gave me this sort of fatherly look for a minute and I was like: “!!!!!” inside. Kinda reminded me of Hyde. I was like: “You can teach me.” Lol. He was like: “Okay.” Hehe! I told him I wish he'd sang “Alive” and he's like: “These guys have learned enough.” The band he means. Grrr! No fair. And I don't know what compelled me to, but just staring at his beautiful hair there, I reached out and started to touch it, like fluffing it. I'm like: “I'm sorry, I just really love your hair.” And he made this funny face as I was doing it and laughed. It was SO CUTE! My mom got mad at me though and she was like: “Amy!” But damn it! It helped with knowing what Hyde's hair would feel like so...yeah! OMG! SOFTEST FUCKING HAIR I'VE EVER FELT! It's as smooth and soft as silk. Slips right through your fingers. He must use like two bottles of conditioner a shower because WOW! Then I asked him if he liked my outfit, and he's like: “Yeah, I saw you. You were all rocked out. It kinda looks like my outfit. You should acid wash that jacket.” Hehe! Then we got a picture together, and I put my arm around his waist...skinny waist. Lol! But yeah, so tall and skinny and just...yeah. I wish he'd smelled like his sexy smell back when he did Jekyll & Hyde, but I didn't smell anything from him at all. :( Where was the sexy smell? Boo. But anyway, yeah, it was amazing!

Until after I got outside, and tried to go down this sloping incline in my five inch heels and ended up falling hard to my knees. I ended up skinning my right ankle bone and I've been in pain around my left calve whenever I walk ever since. Hyde was really worried about me when I finally pulled myself up. So I just took my heels off and walked barefoot to the car. He was asking me constantly if I was alright. I was planning on wearing my leggings again tomorrow night, but yeah, they got all full of mud so I don't know now. Hyde insisted he'd help clean me up when we got back to the hotel, and wanted to see how bad it was. It wasn't as bad as it could have been. When we were in the car together, I showed him the damage, and then I apologized to him for sort of blocking him out when I was talking to Constantine. He said the sweetest thing that made me cry, literally ( and I forgot to mention, I started to cry at one point being that close to Constantine at the concert ). He said: “It's alright, love. I know you were conversing with him. I just wanted to see you happy.” Isn't he the sweetest?

So after we stopped at Whattaburger for something to eat, we came back to the hotel, and Hyde was telling me to take it slow, because I put my shoes back on. So I took it slow, him watching me carefully. Then when we got back to the room, I went into the bathroom and cleaned up my wound with soap and water. I was laying down for a while, but it was still hurting, so Hyde insisted that I go get the band-aid and some ice, but I just decided on the band-aid. I had to go back out to my mom's car to get the charger for her camera battery, so Hyde went with me, down the elevator to the front desk and I got a band-aid, then the battery and then we came back to the room. I was on Tumblr for a while and then I went to sleep. Or tried to at least, I can never sleep with my mom snoring like a pig or blowing out air like a steam engine. So that's all that happened so far, so tomorrow we go again. Woot!

HydesLittleOne · January 15, 2014

Constantine, Comfort, and Cryin

So Saturday night was the second time I was seeing Constantine. Hyde and I slept pretty late that morning/afternoon since my mom and her husband went out to go look around town. So Hyde and I had several hours to sleep at the hotel. We got some good sleep. I woke up then turned on Tumblr and had some leftover Whattaburger from the night before. Thank god the hotel has fridges and microwaves. So I ate that, and then I was all singing in the hotel room with Hyde. Heh. Well, I was singing to him, some JT and Lady Gaga songs. I was still in pain though so Hyde and my best friend, Reba, I was chatting with, made me elevate my bad leg. Hyde was caressing my hair as I was lying there. I felt it on the side of head nearly my temples. It was sweet. I didn't really start getting ready for the concert until my mom and her husband came back. I felt too comfy in my Pjs. So I put on my black Victorian blouse, black leggings (which I tried to get the dirt off of after falling the other night), my black Lucy boots, the big black petticoat and the little black top hat with the feathers. Hyde decided to wear one of Constantine's outfits from Friday night. The one he wore at the end of the show. With the black linen jacket and navy blue shirt underneath, tight jeans and black boots. Hehe! He liked his outfits. Hyde loves it when I dress up all Victorian like. So I grabbed my purse and my long Victorian coat and went out to the car with him, since my mom was taking forever. So we went out to the car and I did my make-up there. Hyde likes when I do my cat eyes, by dragging the eyebrow pencil out to the corners with a little line. I started itching so I decided to chuck the petticoat and just go with the leggings underneath. My mom came out eventually and Hyde got in the backseat.

We drove over to the place and as Hyde and I were walking towards the theater, that little back-up singing slut with dark hair in the blue dress was getting there too. And I don't know why I felt compelled to talk to her. I just did, and told her that yes, I was obsessed with Constantine, so there. Lol! So Hyde and I went in there while my mom parked the car and I went to the box office to pick up the tickets. We got the tickets and I went in to take them to the guy at the door, telling him my mom was coming in and then OMG! He sat us FRONT ROW CENTER. Just like I wanted! Dream come true...in more ways than one. My heart was going crazy. I know Hyde really wanted to listen to it at that time and know how fast it was going. Hehe! Typical. And ugh, I happened to be sitting next to one of those old bitches from the Constantine fan board. One who I had issues with before. I don't know if the hoe recognized me, but yeah. Then the other old bitches came along after we were already seated, and I heard them like complain about how someone was in their seats. Ah! Unh-ah bitches! We got there before you did. The guy even told them that the seats were already reserved and filled up before them. HA! In their faces! I gave them the “suck it” face when they sat down like; “Yeah, I'm it and you can suck it!” Hyde had to hang out and lean against the back wall until Constantine came out on stage, so you know, he could join him like the night before. ;) He didn't mind though. He just waved at me and let me know he was cool and fine with it. We had to watch the dumb students attempt to sing again before the show, and I remember hearing Hyde say: “Is this the same bitch from last night who couldn't sing?” I told him I didn't know, but there was this one redheaded slut that was singing and Constantine must have been hiding behind the curtain, because my mom pointed him out to me, noticing the tight jeans. He was standing behind the curtain with his iPhone up, recording a video of the hoe singing. Seriously, he was like all over that red head all night and I was like: “Ew! Slut!” My mom could tell he liked her, because at the end of the show when she came out again, he was like all touching her with his hand near her ass and then her stomach. Pfft! Jerk off! Least I still got Hyde. I just had to remind myself that I didn't need him. Hyde kept asking me: “Do you want me to go up on stage now, love? How about now?” I just needed a minute and I told him that, because being that close to Constantine, with his crotch nearly in my face along with his boots....!!!!! YEAH! I was literally arms length with him. If I held out my arm, it would touch his pant leg. Oh if only. His crotch was literally that close that I could see the outline of the tip of his… well, let's just leave it at that. Lol! XD Not my fault. His. But yeah!

So Hyde went up on stage with him, and once again, I was seeing double. I tried to take in every single little detail of the real Constantine and then shut my eyes and impose him in a different location on the stage, but it didn't work. :( Not even a holographic form. Even trying to picture him in the same spot before Constantine stepped away...didn't work either. But my visualization was in 1080p HD again. It helps with visualization at least to see Hyde's form in person. And the rest of the night is just amazing because of the clarity of him whenever that happens. So he was just standing there beside Constantine and staring down at me again, with that intimidating “Hyde look” and making me laugh with the things he was doing to imitate Constantine, and the faces he was making at me, or making fun of him. Constantine probably thought I was crazy and wondering in his head why I was laughing. But damn it, Hyde. I started to feel depressed about the show, which I'll get to in a minute. Anyway, Hyde would go back and forth like he did the night before, sitting on the speaker or standing next to Constantine, trying to avoid getting stepped on or pushed aside by him. Hehe! Because damn, that man moves around a lot on stage, like a lot. Constantine came out wearing a different outfit for the first act. A black leather jacket, black button down shirt and dark denim jeans, same boots. Of course Hyde changed clothes into what Constantine was wearing when he came out. I think I felt Constantine's spit fly towards me when he first came out. Ahhh! I'm like that girl in “New Year's Eve” that went: “I'm going to stand near the stage to get spit and sweat on.” I think I did. I was so close to see every hair and pore on his face and sweat around his nose and forehead, wishing some would fly on me when he wiped at his face. Sometimes he would put his foot against the stage right in front of me and I was like: “Shit!” I could see all the little scuffs on the toes of his boots. Kinda beat up. Hehe! And oh my god, I could even see the sexy dark hairs on his chest from beneath his half-unbuttoned shirt. I saw the necklaces he was wearing underneath, including his favorite key necklace and OMG! I swear to God, I could see the sweat between his pecs. I nearly fainted! Especially the times he would flip his beautiful fucking hair in front of me. He did that in front of me like three times and I was like: “Oh fuck!” And when he'd get really close, either squatting down or just practically right on top of me, I would get really scared and be like: “Please, move back, move back!” Quietly of course. Lol. I didn't want him to give me a heart attack. At one point, the mic stand broke and he couldn't get the top party to go back in. He was trying and trying and cursing “fuck” because he couldn't get it in. He eventually just chucked the bottom of the mic stand and used the top part to sing into, which I thought was funny, because he only had half. That didn't last long, and then he just threw the other part on the stage too behind him. The back-up dancers were trying to fix the mic stand, but they couldn't do it, so they just passed it off to the stage guy, and Constantine was like: “This is the fourth person now.” Lol! At another point, he asked one of the back-up singers if he could have a sip of her water bottle, and I saw him not put his mouth on it, but pour a few drops of it into his mouth. That's how they used to do it in high school. Hehe! At least I remember people doing it like that.

But oh my god, when he was singing “Girl Like You,” at one time, he made eye contact with me when he was singing the chorus. I was like: “Okay, I'll go die now!” :D Happily of course. And I fucking love that song! AHHH! That's “The Bold & The Beautiful” song. It felt good to feel like Phoebe Forrester, or pretend to be her even for like five seconds. Ahhh! There was also a time when he was singing “Hallelujah” or some other slow song and he made eye contact with me, when he was walking back from the drummer, and gave me A WINK! AHHHH! I CAN'T EVEN! I wanted to die then too. :D So cute! I was screaming like a fangirl of course, loving every minute of the show until...well, let me explain. So since the other mic stand obviously shit the bed, they brought him out this other stand that was like really curved on the top half, and he didn't even want to use it. It had like tape on it and stuff and he was like messing with it and bending it down and started to act silly, picking it up and holding it over the first row of people, where we were at, insisting that it looked like one of those things you see at the amusement parks. Like the claw game, where you try to grab stuff, and he was saying, “but all they do is take your money.” Lol! And he was like trying to pick up this lady's water bottle with the end of it. THEN okay, he got to me and since I was wearing my little black top hat, he's like: “Or maybe I'll pick up this little hat.” At first I thought it was funny, and I like reached up to fix my hat, even though he didn't touch it with that mic stand, but then he said: “What the fuck is that shit?” And that's when I got offended. I mean, seriously? Way to be an ass about it! I know he was just trying to be funny, but seriously? That's not the way to do it. He could have been nicer about it and leave out the curse words, because that just makes him sound like an asshole. Dane Cook type of asshole. He also said like: “I'm just kidding. It's a Jekyll and Hyde thing. I got that.” Pffft! Whatever. Still, it hurt my feelings. He even tried to grab some guy's balls with the mic stand or put it on his head. Lol! That was funny, but still...picking on me was uncalled for. Even if it WAS in jest. Just sayin.

So yeah, I was pissed at him at that point, and I could even feel Hyde's anger with him too. He was all reassuring me that he still loved my hat and hating on Constantine for not liking it, trying to cheer me up by asking me if I wanted him to push Constantine off the stage. I said “no, that's okay,” but he still offered. He was like: “I'll do it. I'll push this fucking bugger off the stage. Let me push him off the stage.” And finally, I gave in and let him do it. It was funny to watch him try, even though, yeah, he can't really interact with other people, as much as I wish he could. Reminded me of Hyde in the musical when he shoved the Board of Governors. I just pictured the real Constantine stumbling or being shoved down. Lol! Hyde is such a sweetie to ask me if I wanted him to do that. He even turned towards Constantine and stood there glaring at him while he was singing, breathing heavily and fuming, his fists clenched tightly at his sides. He said something to him about insulting me like that. Even asked if I wanted him to punch Constantine. I shook my head and mouthed to him: “No, Hyde.” It was kinda cute, watching Hyde get mad at him like that. He looked adorable. Sorry Hyde, but you did. So when Constantine took his intermission, I was really depressed and yeah, started to cry a little because he pissed me off and hurt my feelings. My mom was of course getting pissed at ME because I was pissed AT HIM, insisting that he was just joking around with me. Hyde squatted and kneeled down on stage and came over to the edge of it, reaching his hand out to caress my cheek and try and offer me some sort of comfort. Telling me that he still loved my hat and not to listen to a damn thing Constantine said, not to let him get to me, and still offering to beat him up. Just giving me a pep talk to make me feel better about it. And I was like: “No. That's sweet, but no, he's not even worth it.” He then did whatever he could to try and make me laugh on stage. He got up and went over to the back curtain where Constantine comes out from and pretended to be peeking out from behind it. It was cute. And then he went over to the drums and pretended to be tapping the cymbals. Then he went to the music stand and was like flipping through the pages of the book in front of him, pretending to be all engrossed in it. It made me laugh a little bit, so I thank him for that. He came back over to me to touch my face again then climbed off stage, sitting down beside me and still trying to offer me some sort of comfort. He got up when that stupid lady from the board came back to sit there and climbed back on stage, just kneeling there at the edge of it and talking with me. I decided to take my hat off because of what Constantine said to me, since I was already embarrassed.

When Constantine came out on stage again after the intermission was over, in a black tweed coat, and striped black and gray shirt, he was looking damn good, but I was still not pleased with him, but damn it, I wish I'd recorded him singing “Moondance” because damn, and he was joking around at the end of the song, about fries and other things he wanted to eat. It was funny. I wish he would of at least fucking put his foot onto the ledge and sang to me though, like he did this fucking blonde bitch the night before, but since I'm obviously not “one of them” that he's seen for years, he doesn't consider me “important” enough. Ugh. ANYway, I just basically was mad so I like leaned on my mom's chair with my head on my hand and just watched Constantine, giving him my “suck it” face a few times. Hyde was making me laugh during the second act, still up there on stage with Constantine, sitting on the speaker and standing up other times, as usual. At some time, he would like be sitting there and pointing at Constantine while looking at me and like shaking his head, as if he didn't approve of him. Lol! He was doing something else that really made me giggle, and I couldn't stop giggling about it while Constantine was trying to be serious and Hyde was just trying to make me laugh. I think he was trying to hit or kick Constantine, to try and cheer me up. And I shook my head and was mouthing: No, Hyde.” Leave it to him to make everything better for me again, as he always does. So Constantine was singing, and with a better mic stand, and this whole time, he had this one long strand of his hair hanging from his right elbow jacket and I wanted to reach up and grab it. It was so damn tempting. I was just sitting there watching it, hoping it would fall near me. But alas, it didn't. It stayed on there until the end of the whole show. I was half tempted to tell him he had it on his jacket, but I kept my mouth shut. Damn it! But when he got to the last song of the show, and everyone was standing up and he brought the stupid students up on stage...OH MY FUCK! I was like five inches away from Con! Or three. I don't know! But yeah! He commented and said: “Sometimes you gotta put it right in their face.” LOL! Yeah, put something else in my face. I got some good pictures with my phone being that close, except for the stupid light shining down on him from above, that screwed up most of them, but anyway. He didn't let anyone sing “Don't Stop Believing” with him that night. Just the stupid students on stage. When he finished the song, he reached out and touched everyone's hands, including mine! AHHH! His hands were soft and warm.

I seriously don't know what happened, but I seem to have lost Hyde until the end of the show, and I kind of forgot about him. :( I feel really bad about it now. It's just that Constantine was RIGHT THERE IN MY FACE! I couldn't think of anything else except his closeness. Constantine came back out and did “Hard To Handle” and “Here I Go Again” as he did the night before. Hollaa! I love when he does “Here I Go Again.” I just wish he'd do it all himself and not include other dumb asses who can't sing. Even that little red headed slut. It seemed like he was purposely looking for a reason to touch her when he touched her stomach and pushed her away jokingly. Pfft! But anyway, yeah, the concert ended after that last song, and sadly, yeah, I was sad, but Hyde reappeared and climbed down off the stage. Then I was all looking around the stage for some of Constantine's stray hairs, but it was too dark. I wanted to do my CSI thing. Lol! He even left his water bottle there half full, and I smelled it. Lol! I look back and wish I would of taken a drink of it. So my lips would be touching his. I did...ahem...take the set list papers on the stage. Even if the program had the songs in it, but Constantine was touching that a lot so...yeah. Lol! I don't know, the lady beside me gave me the idea. Not the board bitch. Some other one. Hyde was like telling me to stop looking around for the hairs, and when I told my mom I was going to take the water bottle, Hyde was like: “Oh no you're not!” Lol! Always the daddy.

So anyway, Hyde and I and my mom hung around towards the back of the theater again like we did the night before, waiting to try and be the last ones to see Constantine, and I was just watching him from afar, and texting my BFF, Reba, on Skype. He had his hair pulled back into a ponytail/little bun last night, and he had a hat on too. Surprise surprise. His Henry Jekyll look, I guess. I heard him telling people how tired he was, the bitches from the board of course, and how he wasn't going to do pictures. Muhahaha! But I still got a picture with him. He was walking over and he had a beer in his right hand he was carrying, like in a green bottle, and he saw me and he's like: “There she is.” And he said: “What happened? Your hat didn't make it to the second act?” Pfft. I just sort of avoided the question, and my mom told me: “She was embarrassed.” And he said that he was just kidding, but still...yeah. He asked me where I got my hat, but I didn't get a chance to reply because my mom interrupted me to ask him if she could take a picture of us, so she did. Ha! At least I got one. Then Constantine said: “You better bow down to your mom for driving you all the way out here.” Lol! I said to him: “Only for you.” And he's like: “I know.” And my mom said: “It was for me too.” Then he had to go and walked over to the men's bathroom. I saw him go in there and try to close the door and he couldn't. Lol. Poor guy. I had to go to the bathroom too so I went, trying to resist the temptation to peek into the men's room at him. Lol! Just kidding. Then I came out and I heard him talking to some people in the hallway about his scarf or something, and then saw him like jogging back into the theater area. I don't know what for.

Hyde was like trying to pull me away, telling me to come on and stuff, even though I didn't want to go and I wanted to hang around. A couple of the people said they liked my hat and my coat. This one guy who works at the club joked about how my hat made it into the show, but I wasn't really that amused. Obviously. Anyway, Hyde finally managed to pull me away and ew, I saw the little “groupies” from the Constantine board standing around outside. And just ew! I wanted to say something bitchy to them but I bit my tongue. Hyde tried to pull me away when I wanted to linger behind to watch Constantine standing inside the theater, messing with his phone. And when I was talking to one of the Con fans. I finally allowed him to pull me away, and this time, he made sure I walked further down the sidewalk away from that slope that I slipped and fell down the night before. Then we headed back to the car. I did want to leave so we waited in the car a little while, sort of like conducting a “stake out” even though Hyde was intent on leaving, knowing how gaga I get over Constantine, no pun intended with the Gaga reference, even though she's awesome. But alas, Constantine didn't come out. He must have gone out another way, a back way. Grrr! But yeah, anyway, we left and my throat felt parched. I really needed something to drink, and of course my mom had to be a bitch about it, and when she pulled over to get me a soda from the trunk of her car, even though it was warm, and Hyde was like: “You've done it now, love,” in an irritable voice, knowing she was going to get all bitchy with me anyway. But yeah, I got a cold soda from McDonalds after that, and some other food from there, but unfortunately, they didn't put my sweet and sour sauce in the bag. Then the bitch got mad at me for spending her money and I didn't eat them. Well I can't eat chicken nuggets plain!

We got back to the hotel and then I changed for bed and ate, and eventually went to sleep. And it was nice because I could feel Hyde sort of touching my right breast. Hey, I didn't ask him to do it. He just started touching me there, but I wasn't going to complain. I could feel my clothes moving around my right arm pit, like he was touching me, or trying to put his arm around me. He was around my hip and my legs, and tickling my side and made me yelp a time or two, and yeah...it was nice. :) Caressing my hair too I think. It seems like every night after I see Constantine, I feel Hyde more. Hehe! Gee, I wonder why. Hmmmm. :D I especially love when he leans in and whispers: “Do/Did you feel that?” When I turned over onto my back, I felt him touching my stomach too or hair. I can't remember. Gah!

The next day, which was today, we gathered up our shit to check out of the hotel after being there so long. But since I was up early already and couldn't seem to go back to sleep, I asked Hyde if he wanted to go down to the hotel lobby with me for breakfast so I wouldn't miss out, and he said “sure” so we went down there in our Pjs. Hehe! Unfortunately, I was appalled to find a few of the Con fan board bitches staying at the hotel too. Particularly one I hated. I knew it was them, because I saw them the past two nights at the show. I told Hyde: “Oh god, there's those bitches from the board, but thank god they can't see you right now!” He was like: “Oh I know, otherwise they would be all over me. Not that I would mind that.” Ugh! Anyway, yeah, it was a good thing they couldn't see him. They'd think he was Con and immediately come over and try and talk to him, and get a picture. So I tried to ignore them, even though I passed by them, and seriously, why is the hotel making us make our own toast and waffles? That ain't right. And no pancakes? Really? Hyde was like: “What are you going to get, love?” I told him I didn't know if I wanted anything, and he was like: “Well you've gotta eat something.” Always the daddy. Like I said before. So I got some toast, some pineapple, a muffin, and bacon. Took the toast long enough to come out. But yeah. I got some orange juice too, and then we sat down and I ate. Hyde was just sitting beside me watching me eat, and telling me to stop looking over at those board bitches across the room. I was still mentioning how glad I was they couldn't see him, and he joked about what he would say to them. Calling them whores. Lol! Like: “I'm not Constantine. Go away.” XD When I had cleared most of my plate, I went back to make myself a waffle. Took me a minute to figure it out then I sat back down and ate. When Hyde noticed I was starting to feel sick, he immediately asked what was wrong and then said: “Alright, that's it, don't eat anymore of that. You eat anymore and you're going to be sick.” So I did as he told me to and got up to throw the rest away. I finished my juice and took some mini cereal boxes before we left and went back upstairs. I climbed back in bed with Hyde to go to sleep, even though we didn't really sleep because we had to check out soon. So we gathered our stuff and left. Hyde and I went downstairs first, and then I accidentally went to the wrong door to go out, and we passed by the fitness center and Hyde said: “I wonder if they have a machine there to monitor your little heart.” Lol! Oh god. Anyway, we realized the door was the wrong one and then we went out the other way. Hyde and I waited to put my suitcase in, and he was all telling me not to tuck my Constantine programs between the handle of the suitcase because they'd fly away, but I told him they wouldn't. And not to worry about it. Oh! He also told me earlier when I had changed into a navy blue sweater with a white collar and cuffs, that he thought I looked cute in it, “like a naughty little school girl.” Lol! Umm thanks? Hyde's boot was on my bra at one point while we were in the car. Cause I had taken one of my bras off previously and it was still on the floor. I found that funny. He was also standing on my bag of Beef Jerky, so I had to like grab it from under him at one point. Heh. He said it's too cramped in the car with his size. Well, yeah, with his long legs, he's got one foot on either side of the arm rest indention between the seats.

Okay, so I desperately wanted to go to the CSI: The Experience in San Antonio, Texas, and I was expecting that my beotch mom would take me, but no, she insisted that we wouldn't have time with how long it would take to get from Houston to San Antonio, and that's when I started to sob and my whole day was ruined. The other thing I had been looking forward to since I got there, and no...she took it all away from me. I didn't even get to go to the museum of science either. All she did was drive back to the Music Box Theater to take a picture of it, and the whole time, I was just wishing Constantine would show up and walk out. No such luck. But anyway, I was crying because I couldn't get to go and Hyde tried to comfort me about it, reassuring me there would be another time, but it still depressed me. He just told me not to say another word to her for the rest of the trip. So I kept quiet for a long time at that point while we were in the backseat. He was trying to cheer me up though, pointing out things to me that we saw as we drove. He was like: “Look at the Ferris wheel, darling.” He was making every effort to try and make it better for me, having his arm around me, telling me not to talk to her. The only reason we were in this skyscraper area of the town was because my mom wanted to see what the Alley Theater looked like, where Constantine referenced that Jekyll & Hyde started. It took her long enough to find it, even though Hyde and I spotted it first after her going in circles. We saw the building for The Houston Chronicle and other newspaper offices. And we also passed by Constantine's hotel that he was staying at while he was there. It was old but luxurious, The Icon. She took a picture of the sign with her camera and damn do I wish I could of gone inside, and just chilled in the lobby waiting for him to show up. If it was just Hyde and I and I was driving, trust me, I would of. We then passed by the Alley Theater when she finally got to it.

We got back on the freeway to head home after that, and I was still depressed that we weren't going anywhere, but I held out hope for San Antonio to go to the mirror maze and things. Hyde was looking precious as usual, leaning sideways with his head against my pillow in the backseat with his eyes closed. He always claims he's not asleep, just resting his eyes. He says he doesn't sleep unless I'm sleeping. He asked me to turn the music down that I was listening to in my headphones because it was too loud. He was like: “Can you turn the music down just a little, love?” Ohp! Lol! So I did. When I was chatting with my BFF, he said he wanted to give me a long “stething” session when we get home. Meaning he wants to listen to my heart and lungs again for a while. He says it's been far too long. My mom got off the freeway to go to this store/market called Buc-cees. I don't know. She heard about it from this girl at the Con concert, so we stopped there, and ugh, seriously, Hyde and I were getting claustrophobic in there within a matter of seconds. It's like the only store for miles and there's far too many people crammed in there, despite how big it is. I was like: “WTF?!” Hyde was telling my friend in reference to me: “Well she's gotta eat something.” I didn't really feel all that well, and Hyde claimed that it was because I need to eat something, and telling me how I can never decide and that's my problem. He kept asking: “What are you going to get, love? Get something.” I wanted candy, but as always, I got the “no! No candy for you” from Hyde again, and the speech about how I have way too many cavities already. Finally, after some begging, he gave in and said: “Alright, you can get ONE package! But that's it!” So I got some gummy sharks. And this was after I got a sliced Buc-cees barbecue beef sandwich. I figured I'd give it a whirl. Hyde kept trying to pull me away from the snacks and the candy and kept telling me: “That's enough.” Grrr! He was relieved when we left that store, claiming there were too many people. We went back to the car and I sat there and ate my food. It was pretty damn good for like $6 something. It tasted like a sloppy joe. My BFF was telling me how I should eat dark chocolate because it's good for the heart and lowers blood pressure and then Hyde was like: “You're eating dark chocolate from now on!” Lol! There was one point on the freeway when I was like leaning over to see something and my hair ended up getting stuck with Hyde's. Like static cling. Lol! We were all trying to get it free. It was funny. We stopped at a gas station so my mom could fill up and ew, I used the bathroom and there was no soap so I had to use my hand sanitizer.

When my mom got off the freeway in San Antonio, I expected to get what I wanted and get to go somewhere, but that's when things got worse. And my depression and crying started again. Hyde was furious with my mom for making me cry again, getting my hopes up and then crushing them. It was pretty fucking pointless for her to even get off the freeway if all she was going to do was drive around, complaining about not having a place to park and me not giving her directions. I at least wanted to get down to see the Alamo, but no. All we did was pass by it. And when I tried giving her directions, she yelled at me. That really has started to get Hyde steamed and just plain furious now, whenever she yells at me about something or tells me to shut up or calls me a name. So furious that I can feel his anger inside me. Also when I'm depressed, I can feel that he's depressed and crushed just watching me cry. Last night, he shouted at her and was like: “Yell at her again and I'll slit your fucking throat!” … Wow. But seriously, that's what he said. I couldn't stop crying, and Hyde told me to put my ear buds in, to block her out, so I did and he was like: “There. That's a good girl.” Hyde has resorted to calling my mom another name from now on. A four letter word that I won't say. He told me to put my seat belt on because of the crazy way she was driving, and to not say another word to my mom for the rest of the trip. He was doing the thing again like he did the day before, trying to cheer me up and pointing things out to me as we passed by them. Like this horse and carriage area. He was like: “Look at the horse, love.” So sweet. I wish Hyde and I could of taken a trip around the town in a horse and carriage. It would be so romantic.

When my mom got back on the freeway, I was getting tired and I leaned my head on Hyde's shoulder and he kissed my head. I didn't feel it but he did it. Hyde really wanted me to take a nap, but I refused. He thinks I'm cute when I sulk, even if I'm a handful at times. He started to get sleepy himself and leaned his head against the pillow again and I was like: “Damn it Hyde! Don't leave me here with my mom!” And he's like: “I'm not, darling. I'm right here. I'm not going to sleep.” My BFF says that “I Don't Want To Miss A Thing” by Aerosmith fits for Hyde and I when it comes to our relationship. I nearly started crying right there and then. I also think some of the lyrics from Goo Goo Dolls “Iris” could fit us too, such as:

And I'd give up forever to touch you, cause I know that you feel me somehow / You're the closest to heaven that I'll ever be /And I don't want the world to see me, cause I don't think that they'd understand / when everything's made to be broken, I just want you to know who I am...

Hyde still kept insisting that I needed to take a nap, but no. I didn't want to. He almost got me to sleep, by telling me to lie my head down on the pillow, but then when I felt his hand on my head, I lifted it and didn't want to sleep. Then we stopped at another gas station for a bathroom break, and I went in to get another energy water, like I had earlier, and Hyde was not happy with me. He's like: “Bloody hell, she's getting another energy water. Bad girl!” He said I shouldn't be drinking it and tried to take it away from me, saying my “little body ends up awake all night” when I drink that. It does not! He said I was gonna be punished later. I called him a bitch earlier when I was drinking it and Hyde got really pissed at me for it, demanding that I not call him a bitch ever again. He was patting my head at one point when he was trying to get me to sleep. And when I was listening to my iTunes in the car and the live version of “Dangerous Game” came on, I felt him poke my side and touch my arm, making me yelp. I've felt my pant leg brush against him while I've been in the backseat that whole time, and other times, just a tickle in the side or him touching the sleeve of my hoodie. I was nearly at the point of just letting Hyde put me to sleep by the time we got off the freeway around midnight or 1 am. My mom had to find a cheap place and fast for us to sleep, so she was like calling around to find out where we could go. We ended up staying at this Quality Inn. I think it was Fort Junction, TX. I don't know. We got some snacks from the nearest Stripes place and there was like nothing really that I wanted to eat, but Hyde told me just to get something, even if it was just something small. So I ended up just getting a sandwich, some jerky and a Sunkist. Then we headed to the motel. Hyde and I took the bed by the wall and bathroom. The pillows were small as fuck, but yeah, at least they had free wifi so after I changed and ate, I was on Tumblr for a while. I had to use the Days Inn wifi because for some reason, the stupid Quality Inn wifi wasn't letting me get on Tumblr. It was depressing to see all the pictures from the Constantine show. He was wearing a scarf! :( And heard he got emotional during “Hallelujah.” Damn them!

I didn't know how I was going to get to sleep, because my mom was complaining and whining and crying about her tooth hurting her. It wasn't just driving Hyde and I crazy, but also her husband. When I finally put my laptop away, I turned over to try and sleep and Hyde was relieved when I did, but still pissed at my mom for complaining. He said that's what she gets for not taking me earlier. Could Hyde have had something to do with it? Hmmm. Lol. I don't know. I like to think so. He kept saying: “Dear Lord, shut up already!” Or “Shut the fuck up!” He shouted at her again when she shouted at me and called me a name, and insisted on calling her that name right back. I did feel him tickling my side at one point or poke me in the back, causing me to yelp again. Lol! He loves doing that. He definitely took my advice about not being afraid to still touch me when other people are around, no matter how I react. You think I allow him too much freedom? I just want to feel his touch as much as I can, to remind me he's here. I want confirmation and constant reassurance. That's why I allow him to touch me as much or how he wants. As I was drifting off, I even felt him tug me against him. That was nice. My body just went towards him unexpectedly and I felt a pull on it. Ahhh! I love Hyde so so so so much! I can't EVEN! I knew seeing Constantine, his real form live and up close THAT CLOSE would help us progress. And I haven't even been active forcing this week. I only active forced once and that was for like half an hour the first night we were in Texas. But it looks like I don't have to worry until I get home. He's been alive and kicking. I guess seeing Constantine qualified as active forcing. ;D For two hours two nights in a row. OMG! I just realized, it did! In a way, it was like active forcing, because I was visualizing him open eyed and trying to impose open eyed with him there, so I was giving him all my attention in a way. If you think about it. HOLLAAA!!!! I also felt Hyde against my legs and his presence at my back a little bit. It was a great night next to Hyde, despite my mom complaining. It was a relief when she finally went outside to the car, but then she came back to complain more. Somehow though, I managed to fall asleep.

HydesLittleOne · January 16, 2014

Tension, Warmth and Coming Home

So I'm home now, but let me catch you up on what happened the past couple of days. Monday was the day we checked out of the Quality Inn. I really didn't want to get up, but Hyde kept insisting that I do. He was like: "Come on, love. You've got to get up. We've gotta check out." I hate when my mom tells me the same things that Hyde does. I've got Hyde as my parent to watch out for me, I don't really need her anymore. I pulled out my laptop for a little while just to check in on Tumblr and see what was going on, then after Hyde nagging me so much, I finally got dressed and gathered my stuff up to leave. It was cold as fuck outside! Damn! Hyde told me to put my jacket on, and I let him get in the car before me. Then I got in with my mom and her husband. And after she took forever on the phone calling some insurance place up, and I was on Tumblr for a while still being able to get the Wifi out there, we left and went to the KFC/Taco Bell across the street.

I ordered some potato wedges and some cinnamon bites so I had that for my breakfast then we got on the road. I was working on my RP drafts and listening to music for most of the time and eating. We did stop to go to the bathroom at a shopping plaza, well at a Kohl's actually. We all had to go, so...I went and then Hyde and I were walking around the store, an he was of course telling me to "come on, love" as usual, cause I was lingering and looking at stuff that I didn't need to be looking at. With no money of course. I was all singing along to "Mirrors" but it wasn't the whole song and then that stupid "Call Me Maybe" song came on, and I was all telling Hyde how pissed I was that they cut off my song to play that shit and how Constantine likes that song. Ugh. I love staring at Hyde's beautiful big hair as he walks in front of me when we go somewhere, and the way he walks all strutting around being sexy. Yeah...lol. It's a nice visualization. Hyde and I were walking around anyway, like I said, and he was like: "Ooh, sexy underwear" when we passed by the lingerie. Lol! Then we were in the perfume and jewelry aisle and I sprayed some of Christina Aguilera's "Red Sin." I let Hyde smell it and he liked it of course. He was all like: "Oooh! I like that." We went to the juniors and I looked around, but didn't really find anything I liked. I thought I might of felt Hyde touch me in from behind at one time, like a poke or nudge or something. I tried on like a black shall in the mirror and he said that I looked nice in it. He and I were getting restless and wanted to leave but my mom was looking at stuff. So I just waited outside with Hyde, him telling me to put my jacket on before I went out as usual. It looked like the plaza that's down the street from our apartment, I told Hyde.

When the other two came out, we got back in the car and I went over to World Market. Hyde was getting really pissy with me when I was in there, more because I couldn't make up my mind of what I wanted. And of course when we went to the food, he insisted I keep walking past the candy, and that I wasn't allowed to get any. He was more mad at me not making up my mind, like I said. He's like: "Decide on something." So I was ready to just walk out and not get anything, and then by the time we were up front, I told Hyde I was going to get those koala yummy things after all, so I made him walk all the way back to the back of the store and he got impatient with me about it. But I got them and then we went to check out. I wanted to get these chocolate coins, but he told me "no" and whether he liked it or not, I still got them. Sorry Hyde. So he was like: "Alright, come on, let's go!" He reminded me my mom was going to get pissy if I didn't hurry up. So we went to check out and then these two people in front of us, his woman and her husband were taking forever. It was more the blonde woman than the husband, some Indian looking guy with his long hair pulled back in a ponytail. Hyde commented he had hair like his. Lol! I made conversation with the guy about being out there in Texas to see Constantine, and of course he didn't know who he was. Eventually, they took so long, Hyde and I had to check out at another register. My mom came in to get something, I don't know what, and then we went out to the car, Hyde and I, and when we got back into the car, that Indian looking guy came out all pissed off, and he and his wife were getting into a fight outside the store because she was taking so long. He was all yelling and making a scene and stuff, and Hyde was like: "Bloody hell, people are crazy out here."And yeah, it was a little nerve wracking until we left and got back on the road.

We drove for a long time and at one point, I just got so tired and Hyde was nagging me to sleep, so I laid down on his lap and he was happy about that. He's like: "She's doing it! She's lying down!" But he was mad that my mom and her husband were singing along to the radio. And I couldn't exactly get comfortable. I was basically just chatting with my BFF and resting my eyes until we got to a truck stopin Arizona to use the bathroom. We went in there, I used the bathroom and then told Hyde I wanted a drink. I wanted another energy water, but he said "no energy water!" He didn't want me awake anymore. He wanted me to sleep. :( Grrr! So I ended up just getting a fountain drink from the place instead. I didn't even realize we were in Arizona, but we were. They even had movies on audio CD there. That was weird. "Movies in your mind" its called. Lol! I got a Subway there, and OMG! They had my seafood sensation sandwich. I've missed that. So we left the truck stop and then I ate my sandwich and laid back down on Hyde's lap. I tried but still couldn't sleep, and then Hyde said he could tell I was feeling a little short of breath while I was lying on him. He could tell because his arm was over my waist and his hand over my stomach, feeling each breath as it entered and left my body and counting them. He said he needed his steth because he was worried about my little lungs. I think it was just the position I was lying in, but yeah. Eventually my breathing got better and Hyde was happy about that. And here's where its just awesome...I was lying down on Hyde's lap with my blanket over me and I was really feeling his body heat against the tops of my legs, both against the front of my thighs and the back of my thighs. I mean, it was really heating up. I tried to debunk it as a seat heater or the heater in the car itself, but there is no seat heater in the back, nor did my mom have the heater on. So it was Hyde's body heat that was warming me up. I had to sit up when that happened because he was making me hot. Lol! Not like that, although that would of been nice. I was just hot and had to get away from the heat. He tried to check my heart rate and my pulse sometime while we were on the road, and he was like trying to grab my wrist when I wouldn't let him touch my neck pulse. Lol! But with the car moving so much, he couldn't get an accurate reading to see how fast my heart was pumping.

So, it got to the point where my mom was like falling asleep, and then for some stupid reason, she let her husband drive, who can't even see out of one eye at the moment, after having his surgery. I was like: "Good luck with that, trying to kill us." Hyde was not happy about this arrangement. He immediately told me to put my seat belt on, insisting that yes, "this bugger is going to get us killed." The tension between Hyde and I and that person driving was really high for like half an hour. He was watching him like a hawk, and telling me to try not to fall asleep, just in case something happened. I tried, but yeah, I was fading fast. Hyde was getting really frustrated and stressed the whole time he was behind the wheel, and was thankful when my mom finally took over again. Hyde told me: "That's it. You're taking the bus to school." Because he didn't want her husband driving me like that. He doesn't trust him and why should anyone? So yeah, looks like I'm going to have to get a bus pass or something for Monday and Wednesdays to school next month. I tried to stay awake when we were nearing closer to home, and I managed to. I was so happy that we arrived, I nearly started crying when I saw familiar things. Dorothy was right: "There's no place like home." Even if the cows above us are still there. I bet they thought we'd moved out. Nope, not yet. Soon though.

Hyde insisted and I was ready anyway to go straight to bed when we got home. I brushed my teeth then climbed into bed with Hyde and went straight to sleep.

The next day, I felt a little bit better. And yeah, not much has really been happening since then. Hyde is happy to be home, and I'm trying to keep his visual appearance in 1080p HD. It's a little hard, but I'm trying. I got sick from what I ate last night, and Hyde was really worried about me for it. I don't know if it was the crazy bread or what, but I went to the bathroom several times and Hyde insisted that I not eat anymore. He thinks that I've been cursed with a bad stomach. :( Probably. I ended up falling asleep because of how tired I was. So that's about all that happened yesterday. Not a lot.

Prepare for my logs to get boring now. Lol.

HydesLittleOne · January 22, 2014

Worries, Hostility, Kiss Kiss Neck Neck

Okay, so I haven't updated this thing in a while. I told you all my posts would get boring, because Hyde and I haven't really had a chance to leave the apartment. When I start college again next month, we will. I'll have a full class load. He's been really worried about me, and that I'm going to get worn out from it all and over exhaust myself. He even wants to put me on a heart rate monitor so that he can make sure I don't overwork myself while I'm at school running back and forth. Seriously. He wants me to buy either a chest strap monitor with a wristwatch receiver, or one of those other watches that have a heart rate monitor on them. He figures since my collar doesn't have a heart rate monitor on it, that I should have something else that does, so he can monitor my heart at all times and make sure I'm healthy. I tell him I'm fine, but you know...worry worry worry. I'm like his personal test subject now or something, and even as I type this, he's glaring at me. I know he's just concerned, but yeah...its a little much sometimes.

Anyway, I haven't been feeling Hyde's touches that much since we got back from Texas, but I still do feel him. I feel him touching and caressing my hair when I'm lying down sometimes, and sometimes I feel him tickle me in certain places, my feet or my side. And one time, I was lying in bed, and I even felt him tickle my butt. Lol! *shrugs* I don't know, ask him. Heh. One night when we were laying in bed together, I felt his head or his chest press against my back, like I sometimes do when we're cuddling and he spoons me. That was nice. I've felt his body heat when he's doing it too, and I've had to sort of move because it was making me overheated and sweaty.

Last week, I didn't want to nap and I felt Hyde caressing my hair and it was starting to make me sleepy. I wanted him to stop but he wouldn't stop, but I admit, I kinda liked it. I just didn't want to sleep. It still felt good though and I could visualize him out of the corner of my eye. He was laughing about it because I wanted to stop him but I wasn't. So he kept stroking my hair.

He loves teasing me, but I still love him so much! Lately though, it's weird, he's been a little more hostile that usual, not just to me but to other people, especially my mom ( but I don't really like her anyway ). When I say hostile, I just mean more defensive and aggressive when he doesn't get what he wants. Maybe it's just me, but yeah...I don't know. It's just what I've been noticing. Maybe he's getting restless being at home so much.

I just barely started active forcing with him again the last couple of days, but last night was amazing. We were going to go walk in the garden in his mansion, but then I told him that I tend to feel him more whenever we’re in his kitchen, so we went in there. And we sort of had a talk about how much more “hostile” he’s been recently as my Tulpa, and started to get into a fight about it. I walked away from him to the counter, but then he came up behind me, and I felt his arms wrap around me, then he started to kiss my neck when I turned around and he was all over my neck and shoulders and I could feel the strong tingling from when he went from one side to the other, and I feel like these small pains on my neck like from his nibbles and bites, and I felt the shoulders of my nightgown really moving like he was caressing, brushing, rubbing and kissing me around there and wow! It also tickled and almost had me giggling.

We hugged and smiled a lot in the kitchen while we were in there and he picked me up, like he was going to lift me over his head. We never got to the garden.

Since I had the fan on in my room, I started to freeze and I felt like my body was rebelling against me, trembling and as if there was this force trying to snap me out of it and get me to stop, just being repulsed by the freezing cold, and Hyde was insisting that we stop because I was freezing and that he didn’t want me to catch a cold or an pneumonia. So he ordered me to stop right there and then. Fortunately our hour was already about finished so it didn’t take that much out of our time, but yeah, I stopped forcing and Hyde was really worried about me and told me that I’m never to have the fan on when I’m forcing again. No matter how hot I am. So yeah, that’s out.

He's been really worried about how I feel after I active force with him. He sees how much it drains my energy and makes me more tired than usual, and he's been telling me time and time again: "If you're too tired to force with me tonight, love, we don't have to." He used to say he wasn't role playing until I force with him, but now he's just worried by the effects. But I just can't let him down. I want to keep at this with him. And I wish that I could touch him and his beautiful hair and even hear his voice, but I don't get auditory hallucinations anymore. Not even once. I don't know what's going on with that lately.

Today I felt Hyde caressing my hair again when I was lying down, and that's about it. He told me today, when his fingers were on my wrist that he wishes he could take my pulse. :( I really wish he could too. Or just for us to be able to hold hands all the time. So many things I want from this relationship, and I feel like being in Texas staring at Hyde & Constantine on stage for two hours two nights in a row was our best forcing session we ever had.

I wish I could see Constantine more often, like regularly. I bet we would progress so fast because of it. I mean, pictures and videos are nice, but I don't really think they are going to help as much as seeing his form in person would.

I don't think I feel well enough this morning to actively force with him. I ate too much Chinese food and now I'm sick to my stomach. I'm sure he won't mind though, seeing as how my health comes first with him, over anything else.

HydesLittleOne · January 26, 2014

Daddy Dearest & Comfort From The Storm

I really wish that college would start already. Hyde has been noticing how depressed I am lately, spending all my time on Tumblr and role playing, and really, all its been doing is making me cry. Certain people have hurt me by misinterpreting my OOC posts and taking them the wrong way. So I'm attempting to take a hiatus from there for now, which might last until the end of my Spring semester. It's hard to say. I just can't do it anymore with them. I'd rather write with myself.

I really want Hyde to be fully imposed sometime this year, but I know that's wishful thinking. I don't even get auditory hallucinations anymore, and I'm still working on perfecting my visualizations. I wish they could be in 1080p everyday like they were when I was in Texas seeing his form in person.

I'm still trying to actively force regularly with him though.

We went to Wal-Mart late Thursday or Friday night for groceries. It felt good to get out of the apartment, considering we haven't left since we were in Texas, and of course, Hyde had to be the daddy and tell me that I didn't need this or that. He'd tell me "no cookies for you," or "no candy for you." He always says "No (insert food or drink here) for you!" All the time. Or he'll tell me: "Keep walking. You don't need that." He was like: "Get something healthy." Geez. Sometimes he'll walk ahead of me, even when I'm not done in the aisle and then he'll come back and be like: "What are you doing now? Come on, love!" So I have no choice but to follow him.

It was starting to creep me out and it was less than amusing when it seemed like he and my mom were sharing one brain for a minute. He's even starting to agree with some of the things she says to me when we're in the store, telling me that she's right, I don't need certain things. I'm like: "Are you taking her side now?" He assures me that he's not and he'll never take her side, but still...its just yeah...no. He truly has the mind set and overprotective attitude of a parent. I was going to get Yoo Hoo and he's like: "Doesn't that have milk in it?" Erm. He knows I'm lactose intolerant. Then we were in the candy aisle, and of course he was saying "no candy for you" and then my mom had to pipe in and tell me no candy too, and I was like: "Yeah, I already heard it from one person. I don't need to hear it from two." I was surprised that he actually helped me find the jarred Caramel topping when I wanted to dip my apples that I bought in it. I thought he'd get upset about me eating something so sweet with my teeth, but he was helping me look through the aisles for it. He was like: "I don't think it's here, love." Or "If they had it, it would probably be here." It wasn't of course, but then we found it after asking someone. Note to self: It's in the ice cream aisle, on an end cap.

We passed by the electronics department, and I started to look at some cheap blu-ray movies and stuff, and Hyde tried to pull me away from them, telling me that I didn't have money for that, and as I was pulled away, he nearly made me trip over my own two feet. I didn't feel a pull, but I did feel like a magnetic pull towards him that made me comply.

We went to the stationary so I could get my notebooks for school, and Hyde got impatient and restless fast when I couldn't make up my mind which color or number of subjects I wanted for one. He was like: "Oh for Christ's sake. Who gives a bloody fuck what color it is!" He knows I have trouble making up my mind, and it's starting to annoy him. He was like standing there and sighing impatiently, and I felt bad about it. :( I was like: "Please don't be mad at me." And he's like: "Well you can never make up your mind, little one." He was thankful when we were going to check out.

Since my mom was on a "budget," Hyde was thankful when she didn't let me get the Yoo Hoo, and then when I put the cookies back, he said: "Good girl. I'm proud of you." *rolls eyes* I was sad because I wanted my Yoo Hoo and I was telling him on the way out and he's like: "You don't need that Yoo Hoo." He reminded me that my shoe lace was untied, and made me stop to tie it when I told him I didn't care.

Last night I forced with Hyde for an hour and lately, he’s really not liking when I’m on the brink of falling asleep, because then my mind wanders off to weird places and weird thoughts come into my head and I say weird things while we’re in the Wonderland, and he wonders where they came from. I guess being tired when forcing is similar to being "drunk" in the Wonderland. I should try and sit up again when I'm forcing so I don't dose off again. I've been doing it lying down. Maybe not such a good idea, at least from what I hear.

He was happy though that I let him listen to my heart with his stethoscope before we started forcing though. I love seeing him smile when he's listening to it. He says he's missed that sound of my little heart. It sort of embarrasses me when he makes note of the "red ring" the stethoscope leaves on my skin. He's even started to ask: "Did it leave a red ring? Let me see." Oh geez! *facepalm*

So we played a game of “ER” in his basement, where he hooks me up to his heart monitor and the pulse ox and puts me on oxygen, then pretends he's examining me. Then he started to kiss my neck and caress my shoulders, and I could feel the caresses, my clothes were really moving around my neck and shoulders as he nuzzled and kissed my neck. And it was just, wow…I think I even felt his warm breath against my neck too. So that was nice. I felt random spasms in my legs as I was forcing, and sometimes I feel them in my hand too. Or my shoulders just sort of lift off the pillow of their own accord when he is kissing me. After that, he took me off the monitors and I sat up, wrapping my legs and arms around his waist and neck and he carried me upstairs to the kitchen, sitting me on one of the stools.

Sometimes I wish I could feel all the things that I see Hyde doing to me out of the corner of my eye. He likes to kiss my shoulder at lot when I'm just sitting on my bed watching TV, or at the computer. Sometimes he'll kiss my neck, but I don't feel it. :(

So today, I got really upset over someone on Tumblr, who I enjoyed playing with, because we had a falling out. Actually, two people I enjoyed playing with. And I was sobbing and just curled up on my bed. Hyde was really upset that I was upset, and he suggested the hiatus and not to bother with them anymore. He cuddled up beside me, spooning me and I felt the weight of his arm around my waist, and little movement of my hair, as if he were caressing it or his nose was brushing against it. He would kiss my shoulder, but I didn't feel it, and he would hush my cries, telling me "Shhh..." He even started to touch and tickle my butt and asked me if it was making me feel better. And it it did a little bit. After him holding me, I could feel his hair tickling my neck and I was like: "Dude, your hair is tickling my neck." Lol! But I honestly didn't mind. I thought I could feel a bit of his body heat while he was lying behind me too.

I ended up falling asleep and then I woke up and Hyde asked me if I was awake, which I know is generally a rhetorical question, because when I'm awake, he's awake. I felt the the slight weight of his hand against my stomach. He was feeling my breaths. He said: "Your breaths are a bit rapid, darling." Then I made myself stop breathing for a minute and he's like: "Why'd your breaths stop?" or "Why'd you stop breathing?" Then I started to breathe again and he's like: "Ah, there. I can feel you breathing again." Then he commented on my breaths again when I started to relax and he said: "Now they're slowing."

It was kinda cute.

I was just sitting here in the front of the computer and I leaned forward and felt my night gown starting to be slid or hiked up. And Hyde says that it was him. :) Hehe!

I'm thinking about whether or not to active force with Hyde this morning. I'm still kinda tired, so...I don't know. Maybe I'll get something to eat and then force.

HydesLittleOne · January 28, 2014

Did he cast avada kedavra on you? You know, like putting his elder wand in your chamber of secrets or something.

WTF are you talking about?? I don't understand you.

-------------------------------------------------------

Chest Pains & Caressing The Pain Away

Looks like I'm going to have more time to spend with Hyde now than I anticipated. A couple role players really hurt me and have been making me cry the past couple of days and really depressed, like I don't want to be around anymore, so I gave it all up...the role playing. Hyde is proud of me, but at the same time, he's upset seeing me upset. He hates seeing me cry all the time lately, and cry myself to sleep. I really wish I could get out of the apartment more with him. He's been suggesting that I make a list of other things to do, like read, work on a story we started together, sleep, clean my room, put laundry away. Just suggesting things here and there to get my mind off of all this and get me away from the computer. I've been trying, really I have, but somewhere, I just slip up and he is disappointed in me.

I did that again tonight and I started sobbing talking to one such role player. Plus, I feel like Hyde is the only one I have left and feel like my other best friend abandoned me. So really, he is all I have left. The only one who keeps me alive. If it wasn't for him being here for me all the time, I wouldn't have a reason to go on living.

So we forced yesterday morning, in the wonderland again, his mansion of course. There was a lot of hugging and him trying to make me feel better. Then we went into his kitchen. I sat there on the stool and we just sort of stared at each other and I leaned against him and he held me. Then I sat still and let him listen to my heart with a stethoscope he pulled out of a drawer. I had to lift my nightgown for him, but yeah, I let him, and he enjoyed listening as usual. Telling me my heart sounded beautiful, that it was beating normally, and that I sounded perfect. After that, he slung the stethoscope over his shoulders, and we took a walk out in his garden. I tried to see if I could feel him squeeze my hand, but I didn't. My fingers twitched a little bit, as they tend to do sometimes when he's really close to me in the Wonderland or holds my hand, and I think I felt the heat of his hand in mine. We sat down in front of his water fountain and talked for a little bit. He wrapped his arm around me and I could feel like the covers moving around my legs when we were sitting there, and my legs twitch somewhat. At one point, I put my legs on his lap and he started to stroke them. Then I got really tired and like nearly fell back against the stone seat around the waterfall, and Hyde got worried and reached out to catch me. I told him I was feeling tired and I just needed to lie down, so he scooped me up into his arms and carried me out of the garden and back inside his house. He laid me down in the sitting room and then just sort of watched me and took my hand in his. Then our forcing ended.

I had to ask Hyde to possess me just to get me out of the trance I was in from forcing, so he did, pulling out my ear buds and shoving my eye mask up. I think it's cute when all I hear are his thoughts when he's using my body and he's like: "Come on Hyde...you've got control of the body now. Lift her arm. Come on! You can do it! You've got it!" It's kinda cute. Then he says: "Alright little one, I'm going to give you your body back now. Are you ready?" He basically just gets in and gets out. He knows better by now than to take advantage of me in that situation. He loves me and cares about me far too much. It's weird though, every time he gives me my body back, I instinctively feel like a sudden rush of oxygen into my lungs, like I can breathe again. I guess it's because he's not really focused on controlling my breathing or breathing for me, he just lets my body do it on its own, like a back-up or auto pilot. I mean, that would make sense.

Today (Monday), I slept a really long time. I didn't feel obligated to get back on Tumblr, being that I've sort of quit role playing, so I just stayed in bed and slept till like around 6 or 7pm. Hyde kept asking me if I was going to get up, and I asked him why and he was like: "So you can eat. So you can take your medicine. Isn't your show going to be on tonight?" He meant "2 Broke Girls." So I got up, and somehow, out of curiosity to check my messages on Tumblr, I got sucked back in again and started sobbing over the person I was sobbing about before. Hyde was not happy, with them or me, after telling me to stay off Tumblr, but I didn't listen. And now I regret it.

We watched "2 Broke Girls" together and then the end of "Alpha Dog." Then I started getting chest pains on the right side of my chest, just under my breast, and I was trying to hide it from Hyde, but somehow, he found out about it. I guess he heard the words "chest" and "pain" or "hurts" in my head and found out like that. I swear I try not to let them slip out and they somehow do. Plus I turned onto my side with my back facing him and pulled the covers up to my chest. He asked me what was wrong, and I tried to tell him it was nothing, but again, he's persistent and he could tell I was keeping something from him. Then when he heard the words in my head, he knew. He's like: "Your little chest hurts?" And he got really worried, asking me where the pain was, and he was like: "It's not anywhere near your little heart, is it?" I told him "no" and he was a relieved but still concerned. He was telling me that he would take me to the doctor tomorrow if it doesn't go away, but I refused. God knows I already owe them enough money. He asked me to show him where the pain was, but I told him I didn't want to turn around and see the worried look on his face. Still, he wanted me to lie flat on my back, in the hopes that it wouldn't hurt so much. When I did that, I shut my eyes and I felt him caressing my side, around the area which I was getting the chest pain, right under my arm pit. I asked him what he was doing, and he said he was trying to make the pain go away. I don't know how, but it felt good, feeling him caress me there. I was afraid to move. I felt the weight of his hand against my stomach too, and he was nagging me to put the stethoscope on and let him listen to that side of my chest, but I didn't want to. I was too tired. Just to satisfy his desire, I forced him an identical stethoscope and he tried to listen to my chest. I did feel as if the disc was pressed against me in that one spot where it hurt. That was pretty cool.

When I was lying on my side with the pillow on top of my head, I could feel him touching my back a little too, even if they were only tingles or tickles. It reminds me that he's there and I like that. I don't know if I'll force this morning or not. I've got a headache and toothache and I need to shower. I did ask Hyde if he wanted to go usher with me at the theater for "In The Mood" Feb 6th, so it'll be nice to get out of the apartment and let him see a show with me. Even if I'm up in mezzanine and not orchestra. He said he doesn't care what we do, as long as he's with me. Awww! :) So that'll be fun. We'll see.

HydesLittleOne · January 30, 2014

Dizziness & Hair, Hair Everywhere

So, yesterday morning, when I was going to go to sleep, I started feeling dizzy and my stomach started to hurt, and Hyde's been worried about me ever since. He told me to make an appointment with the doctor, but there's no way in hell I'm going again, because I already owe them enough money. The last time this happened, they told me it was better if I just came in to see the doctor. Yeah, right, and let them take my blood and stick me with a needle? Fuck that. But Hyde is insistent that I go, and he told me, "you're going to sit there like a good little girl and let them." :( I get a really bad reaction to getting stuck with a needle though. I get really dizzy, lightheaded, nauseous and start sweating and feel faint. The last time I started feeling dizzy was when I started taking my Prozac meds, and it lasted for like a week or so, and then it went away, but the dizziness came back yesterday morning. Hyde was really worried, and he's seriously been making me feel like a little kid. Every time I get up to walk somewhere, he's like: "I'm going with you." I'm like: "Hyde, I'm not a baby. I don't need you to go with me." He even wanted to go to the bathroom with me to make sure I didn't fall down. I'm like: "Dude, you can see me from the bed." He made me take my heart rate, and it was like around 77 bpm, then my stomach started hurting and I took some Aleve, and then Hyde and I went to bed. And I was lying on my side, with my back facing him, and then I felt his hand against my back, and I was like: "What are you doing?" And he's like: "I'm feeling your breaths, love." More than likely because he was worried about me, of course, and my breathing. So he had his hand there for a while. I felt the weight/pressure of it.

Then there was this one moment when my breath sort of hitched, and stalled as I was trying to take a deep breath and Hyde was like: "Ermm... I didn't like that breath." And then he sort of calmed down when I started breathing a little better, and let me know it. Then when I woke up later on, I felt him tickling my shoulder and my neck, and I squealed and had to get out of bed. He told me to take it slow, after feeling dizzy and everything before. So I did, but I still felt a little bit dizzy.

So today, I took a shower and once again, I let Hyde shower with me. He likes to stand under the spray of the water and get his hair wet. I feel like when I'm watching him and he's getting himself wet, I just feel like everything's in slow motion and I'm in a music video. Hehe! He likes to stand behind me and kiss my shoulder when we're in the shower, then today, he wrapped his arms around me. I didn't feel it of course, but he wrapped his arms around my waist, and kissed my shoulder then rested his chin against it. And he was asking me why I wanted to even bother continuing all the drafts we have and going back to Tumblr, and I was like: "I'm bored." He's still not that happy with me about it, but it's not like we have to come back right away and I'm going to take a long hiatus from Tumblr anyway when I start college next month. And I told Hyde: "Make sure you don't hit your head again when you get out of the shower this time." He didn't of course.

Then after we watched "Cougar Town," around like 4:30 in the morning, I forced with Hyde for an hour, and I keep wanting to go back to Disneyland with him in the Wonderland, but we always just stay at his mansion. And we were standing there in the foyer and he was of course giving me his cute little smile and holding my hand. Then I told him how I needed a massage, and I turned around still standing up and started massaging my shoulders and neck. And then it felt so good and relaxing, even my body was really relaxed by it, and then I just fell back into Hyde's arms and he was like: "Bloody hell! Are you alright, darling?" And for that moment, he was holding me in his arms, to keep me off the floor, because of course he caught me, and he was just staring down at me with those beautiful concerned eyes, his long hair falling into his face and over me like a curtain overhead. And I was just completely taken by him. Like it was a daydream or a fantasy. He looked so beautiful. And his smile when I told him I was alright and it was just the massage that got to me...I can't even! He even asked if he needed to take me down to his basement to give me a quick exam, but I refused and assured him I was alright. Then when he set me back on my feet, he was all asking me if I was drunk because I was saying weird stuff in a tone like I was drunk like: "You smell nice." Then we went to his kitchen and he picked me up and sat me on the stool, and he started to massage my shoulders again, and then it felt so good that I just fell back into him again. Then I told him that I think I needed some nitrous. So he took me down to his basement, carrying me like a monkey in a bear hug. It's cute when he does that. So he carried me downstairs then I sat and watched him as he messed with the nitrous machine, and then he told me to lie down, and even though I was scared, I still laid down and then he put the heart monitor on me, just to make sure that I was relaxing, and it was so cute when he was hooking me up to the monitor, and he had like the probes and stuff and he was like attaching the wires, and he was like: "And one there. And one right there..." Just the the way he was saying it like: "Are you ready?" And he took the mask and put it over my face and I breathed in. I didn't feel all that different though.

Then I told him I wanted to go back upstairs, but he wanted to continue monitoring my heart, so he just went and got me a pillow and put it under my head, then I was cold so he got me a blanket too and covered me up. He stood there holding my hand and then leaning in and kissing my forehead. Then finally, I convinced him to take me off the monitor, and he carried me over to the bed against the far wall in the basement and tucked me in. Then he sat down beside me and held my hand, and then I wanted a hug from him, so he leaned in and gave me a hug, and then I felt his hair brush against my neck, and it started to tickle me. And then because he knows how much I love his hair, he started to tease me and started to shake his hair against my neck. And OMG, it was tickling me so much, I was sitting there and I was breathing a little heavier and shaking because I was trying hard not to start laughing, so instead, I just moaned. I kept telling him to "stop," not in a serious way, in a joking way, like when someone is tickling you, but he kept going because he knew how much I liked it and how good it felt. Then he said, "I'm going lift up your nightgown and slip a couple strands of hair under and tickle your shoulder." He started to lift the collar of my nightgown and I thought I felt his hair against my bare shoulder.

Eventually he stopped, sadly, and there ended our forcing session. But it felt so good. And yeah, Hyde is making me go to bed now because it's after 9 in the morning. Grrr! Daddy that he is. So I'll update again soon. Lates!

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