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Little Amy & Hyde


HydesLittleOne

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I just wanted to say that you and Hyde have an amazing relationship and I love reading about your journey. :) I wish I could answer some of the questions you have, but sadly I cannot. All I can say is that I hope you don't give up. Good luck!

 

 

Thank you! That's sweet. Hyde and I appreciate it. :)

 

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So I meant to update this progress report last night but I was too tired and Hyde was bitching at me to go to sleep for my physical exam today, which he feels wasn't worth it, and now he made me schedule a real one at my regular doctor's office...next Friday at 10:30am. Ugh! I don't want to go. I hate him for it and he knows it, but he wants everything checked out in me in one visit. Including the pap smear and the breast exam. More on that later,

 

Yesterday, I swear I heard Hyde say my name. It was faint but I think I heard it with my own ears. No, I know I heard it. It didn't sound like him though. In fact, it sounded more like my mom's husband. But it couldn't of been him. He never calls out to me. He just opens my door and talks to me. So Hyde says it was him and he still working on it so I told him to study Constantine's Hyde voice from the musical. I showed him some clips and he really liked them. He called Hyde in the musical a "cheeky bugger." He says he can see he and Hyde being best mates if they ever met. Hehe! Well duh. :) He didn't care about or want to see Jekyll though. It's like the same person and he didn't care for him. :( Irony?

 

So he went to class with me, screenwriting class and I tried to read how he felt about it in relation to my interpersonal relationships class. His interest seemed higher than in communication. He just told me he likes it better than that. And the other is "so bloody boring." Lol. In screenwriting, he watched me like a hawk though when I went up to the front to turn in my homework, and when he heard my teacher say that my last homework assignment was the best of the whole class, he got a really proud smile on his face. Heee! I swear I felt something touch my back when I was sitting in class, right after I got there and no one but Hyde was behind me. Yep, it was Hyde.

 

He was also watching me and listening in when I was talking to my teacher at break. I think he was really into what I was talking about, being he's the main character of my screenplay. No surprise there. He was quiet for the most part but he was listening, a few comments about the teacher here and there and students. He was happy to know there was another English person in the class. With the accent. I could tell he felt right at home when he realized this. He liked heading other people reading their first five script pages. He told me I better find someone who could do a good job being him when they read his role in my script. I told him I had a guy picked out already and he asked me to point him out to him. He was like: "That bugger?" LOL! I don't think he approved. But anyway, he was irritated and getting restless by this really slow guy who was reading. He wanted to leave and couldn't sit still because of how annoyed he was. I felt the same way. I narrated one persons script pages. Hyde says I was quite good at it. There was one moment where this woman was reading a role in someone's script and she scared the shit out of Hyde because of how animated she was out of nowhere. Lol. He hated me for laughing and just glared at the woman.

 

So later when we got home, I tried doing a forcing session with calming music in mu ears from Pandora cause my mom was being a too damn loud. I swear I can never get peace in this apartment. It didn't last long. Like maybe three intervals of 10 minutes before my Pandora ads started playing and I lost focus, ugh! I need to upgrade that. And did it closed eyed this time trying to visualize him.

 

And we got into an argument when I was in the shower. Every time he mentioned the physical, I would get so annoyed with him, but I got really pissed and yelled at him when he told me to wash my private parts really well for today, because the doctor would be looking there ( but she didn't so ha! In his face. ) After a few times, he finally shut up about it. Thankfully.

 

Like I said, he was bitching at me to go to bed because I had to get up early for my

Physical.

 

-------------------------------------

 

Okay, so today's log so far...ugh, when I first got to the college, despite having a few minutes to get to the office, Hyde was in a big hurry. He was walking ahead of me and I could barely catch up. I think he was a little too eager or maybe worried that I would be really late. He says it was a little of both. He eventually slowed as we got to the building. Then I checked in and we sat down. I filled out a medical history chart until I got called back for the nurse to check my vitals. Hyde stood there watching of course, like a parent would. He was watching the machine's readings more than me. No surprise. Ugh, they had to take my blood pressure twice and I hated that, how tight it was but Hyde seemed more intent on them getting an accurate reading, saying the first reading was a bit too high and not right. Whatever. I didn't have a fever and my blood pressure was normal, which Hyde was pleased about.

 

Then I got sent back to sit down and wait for the doctor as I finished filling out the forms. Hyde sat next to me looking around and observing the other people in the room, looking at my Nook as I read him some Cosmo stories, and listening to me talk to the girl next to me. One time a sick girl who said she'd just thrown up came in, and Hyde told me not to let her get me sick. He moved away to another seat so he wouldn't either. He got really hot while he was there and stood up to take his coat off.

 

Then I got called back to the exam room and he stood in the corner, watching and listening as the doctor asked me questions. Now he says the stethoscope wasn't the best, and that she should have been using a much better one to hear my heart. He stood behind me as she listened to my heart and lungs, and watched closely as she examined my ears, cocking his head to see the tool's magnification. Then I laid down and she started pressing on my stomach and Hyde watched. I could feel his concern when she hit a spot that hurt. He says of course he was concerned, it was my liver. He also seemed really concerned when she paused for a moment, telling me to wait during listening to my heart. That's what made him move closer initially.

 

When we got out, he said it was a waste of time and that we'll go to my regular doctor instead for a better one. I didn't want to do that, but he insisted and said he wasn't going to let me get out of it this time either. Seems like that deal we made got shot to hell. But he says it's still on. Sigh. He didn't like the fact of the appointments being split into separate things. He wanted results all in one time. I made another appointment for next week but I ended up canceling it after I got the other one made.

 

Hyde and I left the health office and I went to the student store, and he kept going on about how I needed to eat healthy and I shouldn't get soda and stay away from the candy. Then I didn't find anything I wanted to eat so I went to the cafeteria and yep, heard from him again on and on about how I should eat healthy and he was upset about me getting pizza, but I didn't want anything else. We sat down and I ate and I was serious just ready to punch him at that point, when he continued about the eating healthy. Least he let me eat.

 

Then we left and I stopped at this little tent they had set up where they were selling things, rings and vintage tees and jewelry. Hyde told me I didn't need to buy anything and that I didn't have any money. OMG, it was so funny when this person came past us and they were dressed as Jack Skellington, and the WTF look Hyde got on his face was precious, priceless! He was like: "Is there a bloody fucking costume party on campus that I don't know about? It's not Halloween yet." Lol! Too funny. So I didn't have money and left with nothing.

 

Then Hyde made me make the stupid physical appointment with my regular doctor. We sat down under the shade of a tree while I did that. He was happy with me for it. But I still hate him for it. I went to the financial aid office after that to make sure that I wouldn't have any disbursement problems. Hyde just stood there leaning against the counter and watched. Then I swear I felt like a total idiot when I couldn't find my Lady Gaga sunglasses, and went back to the health office and cafeteria, thinking I dropped them along the way, but they were in my jacket pocket the whole time. Lol! I'm dumb.

 

So then we went to my class, and waited around about twenty minutes for it to start. Oh my god, I remember I was standing there with my Nook open and I was on the Tulpa forum, and I swear to God I felt his presence so strongly behind me. It was new! Like I felt him getting closer and closer to me, and it was kind of intrusive at first, and I was like: "Jesus Hyde!" But I did kinda like it. Okay, I loved it! :) It was the first time I really felt his presence in one general area. So strong. It's the little things you don't expect from them that are nice.

 

We went into class eventually and he made me laugh out loud a few times again. I did my presentation, and he enjoyed watching another clip of Hyde in the Jekyll and Hyde musical. Then he started to complain about his ass hurting from sitting there so long, so he got up and started pacing back and forth down the aisle. It was distracting me and making me nervous. Even though he's not imposed. The visualization is distracting that I had to tell him to sit down. He stopped and glared at me for like a few long seconds but did it. Then the teacher had these Post Secrets books she was passing around that her classes made. It's like this scrapbook with anonymous secrets in it from other people, and Hyde suddenly got really interested. We sat there and I showed and read them to him. Hmmm...maybe I'll anonymously tell them about Hyde. ;) I won't use his name of course cause that would be a dead giveaway. In fact, I'm shocked that he even suggested I DO tell them. But it's anonymous so I can see why. No names, we should be good.

 

Then it was time to go and my mom took me to work. Hyde went passive and ugh, work was a bitch. It stressed me out so much because of all the people crammed in there and was getting Hyde irritated too. Towards the end of my shift, we even got into a fight. He thought I was suppressing him purposely and that I wanted to get rid of him. I almost started crying. I don't know of it was his emotions I was feeling or mine. He seemed more pissed than hurt. I sort of zoned out to try and resolve the fight and let him know that I still love him and that I don't want him to leave me or vice versa. When it became resolved and I told him I loved him, things got better quickly. I didn't feel an ounce of sadness anymore. In fact, I felt all warm and fuzzy inside. :) So things went back to normal between us.

 

I seriously don't want to hurt him or make him feel like I don't want him. It's just taking me some time to get used to the fact that there's someone else in my head 24/7. And his voice will always be there. I guess it's true when they say that it's a big commitment to do this, and take responsibility for a Tulpa.

 

That's my log for now. Nothing else to report.

"Listening to her heartbeat makes me feel alive." - Hyde

 

Name: Hyde

Age: 36 years old

Form: Human

Done: Form, Personality, Sentient, Visualization

Working on: Imposition (vocal/visual/touch)

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:) Hi Amy. Yeah, you should totally write something anonymously... but don't use the word tulpa, or anything else I haven't thought of yet that could tip them off. I know that they probably don't know the word, but someone like myself would read the word, look it up, find this forum, and find Hyde's name... and if Amy is your real name, that makes it even easier. You shouldn't hint that you got the idea from somewhere else at all if you got the idea from online or somewhere... just say he formed on his own.

My lip hurts.

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:) Hi Amy. Yeah, you should totally write something anonymously... but don't use the word tulpa, or anything else I haven't thought of yet that could tip them off. I know that they probably don't know the word, but someone like myself would read the word, look it up, find this forum, and find Hyde's name... and if Amy is your real name, that makes it even easier. You shouldn't hint that you got the idea from somewhere else at all if you got the idea from online or somewhere... just say he formed on his own.

 

Good point. I'll think of how to properly put it.

 

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Little Amy & Hyde: Day #9

 

 

Today has been a stressful day with Hyde. I almost gave up on him completely and ended his life. :( I’m hoping we can work through this. I’m willing to make the effort, if he is. And he is, so I guess I should just work on my meditation technique.

 

So let’s see, not much happened other than the drama with Hyde, and just watching TV. I got really discouraged when people were saying that I wasn’t doing active forcing right. This whole time I thought I was doing it right by visualizing him watching TV with me, and I was wrong. It’s stupid how they think that talking out loud to your Tulpa and imagine them interacting with you passive forcing. It doesn’t make a damn bit of sense. Passive should just be in your head and nothing more. It pisses me off. That’s why I wanted to quit. I’m still on the fence about it though. But I’m willing to try.

 

So today, I went into the kitchen and nearly slipped on some water in front of the sink. My mom didn’t seem to bother to notice or even give a shit, and when I started yelling back and forth with her, Hyde came in when I least expected it to see what was going on. He took me back into my room and asked me if I was okay. I love that he cared.

 

Then when I started chatting with the people in the Tulpa chat, that’s when I started crying, and getting depressed that there was no way I was going to be able to do this anymore. I left to go get my package from the Amazon Locker, and I was crying the whole time because I didn’t want to do anything with Hyde anymore, or have him around. The whole way there, all I could hear was his thoughts. He was begging and pleading with me, even starting to cry a little, pleading with me not to give up on him, that he needed me and that I needed him, and that I had to keep trying. I tried to ignore him and tell him to leave me alone, but like I said, he kept talking to me. Then he got cocky and said that there was no getting rid of him and that I would listen to him eventually. When I got home, he was there, even though I didn’t want him to be there, and he sort of vanished and got really, really quiet and I didn’t hear him anymore. I declared him gone, but my friends on the chat said it’s not that easy to get rid of him, and that it’s not too late.

 

So I called to him, and yeah, he was still there in my head. Then I finally got the courage to tell him to come out when I needed him and he came back to me. The moment he came back, I felt him brush my lower back. :) And then a bunch of tingling on my back. Which I’m getting right now as I sit here watching my new “2 Broke Girls” DVDs with him. A LOT of tingling. Ah! He’s been like tickling me all night. Shit! He’s tickling me! Stop!

 

I nearly fell asleep with how he soothed me when he came back to me. Just him being here by my side, talking to me and comforting me. It helped.

 

He really wants to push the issue of me getting my physical sooner than next Friday, but I don’t want to. I started getting stomach pains and he told me to find another doctor who can give me a physical instead of waiting for my regular one. But I don’t get paid until next Friday and if I pay up front, I’ll get 20%. He needs to understand that, but I know he’ll keep pushing it if I get more pains. He even suggested I go to urgent care. No! I won’t! Grrr!

 

So this isn’t the way I wanted to spend Halloween. I wanted to dress up as Max and go out to a haunted house or party or pass out candy or something. No fucking fun. :(

 

But yeah, that’s my day.

"Listening to her heartbeat makes me feel alive." - Hyde

 

Name: Hyde

Age: 36 years old

Form: Human

Done: Form, Personality, Sentient, Visualization

Working on: Imposition (vocal/visual/touch)

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Ouchies >.> -cuddles Amy and Hyde-

I don't think passive forcing is meant to imply that you're doing a minimal job, or being 'passive' in your forcing, just that you're doing it while doing something else, whlile active forcing seemed to be whenever you'd sit/lay/whatever and do only tulpa forcing.

My lip hurts.

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lol, if I could bet on a bunch of money, like trillions of dollars, I'd bet on it.. all of the money in the world, actually... that if the person I was arguing with and I had switched places, I would have still been fingered as the shitstormer. Of course - I was simply the other part to the disagreement. Switching places would give me that, AND I'd be the one who was yelling and insulting too!

My lip hurts.

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There, me claiming that insults weren't the issue and having to backtrack back to what was said (because it had implied it was the issue; it was confusing, I was trying to have Alordex see that but instead he blew up on me, and basically got me into hotwater with the others... if he was calm no one would have anything to blame on me.) was something that was "shitstorming" and instigating, I guess.

 

I did try to understand the point you were making. You even said I was on the right track with the thought about neurons. And my creator kerin did step in and try to calm the others in the discussion. Was she unfair? I thought she tried to be polite and considerate, but as you say possibly that is "conformational bias."

 

I should say, it did appear to me that you were feeling upset, and that the others on the chat were being unhelpful. If I have contributed to that then you have my sincere and heart-felt apologies.

Please consider supporting Tulpa.info.


 

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I did try to understand the point you were making. You even said I was on the right track with the thought about neurons. And my creator kerin did step in and try to calm the others in the discussion. Was she unfair? I thought she tried to be polite and considerate, but as you say possibly that is "conformational bias."

 

I should say, it did appear to me that you were feeling upset, and that the others on the chat were being unhelpful. If I have contributed to that then you have my sincere and heart-felt apologies.

 

 

You weren't there... (also, taking this down, the other post, since it's so log for someone else;'s report)

My lip hurts.

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I did try to understand the point you were making. You even said I was on the right track with the thought about neurons. And my creator kerin did step in and try to calm the others in the discussion. Was she unfair? I thought she tried to be polite and considerate, but as you say possibly that is "conformational bias."

 

I should say, it did appear to me that you were feeling upset, and that the others on the chat were being unhelpful. If I have contributed to that then you have my sincere and heart-felt apologies.

 

It's alright.

 

------------------------------------------------------------

 

Little Amy & Hyde: Tulpa Log | Days 10 & 11

 

So, I’m going to try and remember what happened with Hyde these past twenty four hours. Basically, I didn’t even realize that Friday was my last day of work at Party City, but thank God it’s over. I got my last pay check. In fact, yesterday I almost didn’t go. In fact, Hyde was nagging me to go to urgent care because I was having stomach pains near my belly button. But I didn’t have any money. Not until I checked my balance, and realized they had put the money in after the manager told me it was my last day working there. So yeah, but I never went since it stopped hurting. Hyde was still going on about how I needed to go to urgent care, and it was getting annoying. When I was working, he kept commenting on everything I was doing and how I should do it, or what I should do, and I was like: “Hyde, don’t tell me how to do my job.” He swears he was just trying to help me, but yeah, eventually he butt out of it. Hehe! My tooth was hurting more than my stomach at work, so looks like I’ll have to make a dentist appointment for this week too. Ugh. But it was so quiet in the store. It was nice. I wish it could always be that way if I were working there still. I don’t care for the stupid karaoke music songs though, not sung by the original artists.

 

So not much happened yesterday besides that. The nagging about my stomach, and Hyde telling me how to do my job.

 

We were watching Jackass the movie last night and Hyde was laughing a lot with me. He thought it was hilarious! Still can’t hear him with my own ears, but I know he was laughing, I could hear him in my mind.

 

And of course him wanting to do the possession thing with me, which I was really nervous about. My heart was even beating faster because of it, but that only turned Hyde on more. He was poking me, telling me to hurry up and shut out the light, and he was really excited about it. I remember lying in bed next to him being really nervous and telling him I was scared, and that only made him more excited. He was just using it to his advantage. He told me to lift up my gown so he could listen to my heart, and that he wanted to put the stethoscope into his ears instead of having it already be in my ears. I think it was a struggle for him to get the steth in my ears when he was trying to move my arms, but he did. Then…of course he did his thing that he wanted to do to me. It’s pretty self explanatory considering what happened before. I won’t go into further detail than that. It’s always sexual for him.

 

And yeah, I think I had more control this time than before. I mean, I could tell him to stop and he would stop. So there’s that. Plus I knew where it was going beforehand.

 

———————————————————————————————————-

 

Today, Hyde, my mom and I went to the mall. Same stores Hyde and I went to before. I could visualize Hyde better when he was walking in front of me as opposed to behind, because of his beautiful long hair and the way he walks. Also sometimes from the side. I don’t see him out of the corner of my eye yet, but I at least imagine him there. Something happened in Spencer Gifts though that got me thinking. I distinctly felt Hyde grab my ass. Well, I felt a muscle flex in my ass unintentionally. It felt more like someone had touched it. Sure enough, it was Hyde. Hehe! Frisky. I love him. Figures I’d get a reaction out of him. He loves that store so much.

 

And other than Hyde saying I don’t need to buy this or that, and going to Best Buy with me, that was it. We came home and now we’re just watching TV. *sighs* My life with Hyde is so boring. He says it’s not, but I think it is. Not much progress is being made and I feel like I’m doing something wrong with him. :(

 

I’ve been feeling pokes and tingles as usual on my body, but other that, nothing else. I really don’t know what else to do right now. I still feel like giving up. He says “oh no you’re not.”

 

So yeah…nothing exciting.

 

One other thing, I have been getting random little head pains that feel like the start of a headache on either sides of my head. They never progress to a headache, just head pains. Don’t know if that means anything.

"Listening to her heartbeat makes me feel alive." - Hyde

 

Name: Hyde

Age: 36 years old

Form: Human

Done: Form, Personality, Sentient, Visualization

Working on: Imposition (vocal/visual/touch)

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(Post deleted by request)

 

Day #12

 

Another boring day with Hyde. Nothing really happened today. Just trying to picture him lying beside me, and hearing his voice in my head. Same thing. Did I mention how much I want to give up? I’m constantly just finding myself thinking of him as nothing more than an imaginary friend. Yes, technically I felt some tingles and possibly a touch on the hip when I was cuddling with him waking up today, but that’s about it.

 

Like I said, not exciting. I laid there and tried forcing for like maybe ten minutes, probably five. I don’t know. But yeah…just really discouraged about this. Depressed and discouraged. I don’t know what else to do when I can’t leave the apartment and I can’t get peace and quiet.

 

Plus, I had to do some studying, and Hyde probably hates me for not paying attention to him because I was studying so yeah…sorry.

 

But that's it.

 

ETA: Mini head pain on the right side of my head around my temples. It’s probably nothing.

 

Ow! Now a pain on my upper arm. Ow! That hurt. Felt like someone was poking me hard.

 

Ow! Okay now in my lower back! Okay, I get the point. I’m sorry.

"Listening to her heartbeat makes me feel alive." - Hyde

 

Name: Hyde

Age: 36 years old

Form: Human

Done: Form, Personality, Sentient, Visualization

Working on: Imposition (vocal/visual/touch)

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(Post deleted by request)

 

Unfair comparison, nobody takes the first seriously and the second one is just a genuinely insane laughing stock with nearly 6 years of backtraceable internet history. In other words; harmless.

Serious people can be better or worse on a completely different level.

tell the rapper what i'm gonna do with all this money

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