AvengedSevenfold January 29, 2014 Author January 29, 2014 I am tired of having to act like the old host. I’m really starting to feel fake, and I really want to be my own person. However, I live in a small community; changing how I act so quickly would raise questions that I wouldn’t be able to answer. Honestly, I don’t know what I’m going to do about this. I suppose I’ll have to keep acting until I come up with something. Yes, as Renny has been so kind as to post, I have been having emotional problems. I keep trying to get myself out of it, but I am seriously struggling. Sorry, this must seem really lame to everyone else. At the risk of being ridiculed or called a liar, I will post what has really been going on. I have been having a hallucination of a black figure in the corner of my eye for a few days now. I have seen it before briefly on occasion, but now it seems to be sticking around. It seems to be crouching and staring at me. If I turn to look at it directly, it disappears. I haven’t been practicing imposition. When I get nervous or distressed, I start hearing this pessimistic voice inside my head. It tells me that I will fail or that I will embarrass myself, things like that. Renny says that it’s just me “externalizing your negative thoughts, or something like that,” and everyone else agrees that I shouldn’t worry myself about it. I suppose worrying about it will just make it worse. Also, it’s become typical for Renny to do full-body possession for most of the day now. Nope.
lurkatron9200 January 29, 2014 January 29, 2014 I know what you mean about living in a small community. Changing yourself is hard enough, but changing other people's ongoing perception of you is nearly impossible. I hate the phrase "run away from your problems," but moving to a new city was one of the best decisions I ever made for myself. It wasn't even that significant, just 30 miles down the highway, but everything is different. Everybody you meet makes a fresh new impression of you and it can be anything you want it to be. The folks who stayed behind are in a bad spot, there is no secondary education there, there are no good jobs there, there are no new people there. Now that I'm here, I don't really consider my life to have begun until after I struck out on my own. I don't do tulpa and I've never been depressed, so I can't really sympathize or offer advice to your current situation. I've been lurking the forum because I find it interesting(no offense), and some of the discussions are useful to vanilla meditation so I'm not completely wasting my time. I just thought I'd break radio silence to let you know someone is rooting for you. Godspeed.
AvengedSevenfold January 31, 2014 Author January 31, 2014 I just thought I'd break radio silence to let you know someone is rooting for you. Godspeed. Well, thanks. At this point, I'll take any words of encouragement I can get. I think we're going to take it easy for a bit and get a grip on everything. Hopefully, we'll sort out everything and come out the better for it. Firstly, I need to take better care of all of us emotionally. I have been a burden, and I feel bad for that. I need to, basically, fix myself. Secondly, I need to take better care of the body. I haven't slept enough. I haven't eaten enough or healthily enough. This results in being physically tired all the time. Also, the lack of sleep has led to mental exhaustion. That’s not to say that we will be going our separate ways for awhile. In fact, I’ll probably be able to spend even more time with him because we won’t be so tired. Renny: I can’t leave him alone for half a second. No, we’re just going to take it easy on the possession and switching work. We'll get all nice and rested up so we can get to work again ;) Nope.
AvengedSevenfold February 10, 2014 Author February 10, 2014 I managed to unmerge early last week. Yes, in case you were wondering, it was rather painful. Patrick and Calli were bewildered and felt out of place, according to Renny and Andy. Patrick left me a letter in which he apologized and told me that he was no longer entitled to the life I made, and that I am stronger than I give myself credit for. He also said many other things that I won’t bother to mention here, as it was quite lengthy. He and Calli merged later, and so I’m back. Renny hasn’t bothered to lecture me for my actions, as he’s just glad to have me back. He doesn’t have to, though. I know that I hurt him, and I feel bad. I don’t feel suicidal anymore, but just...lousy. Got more stuff to post about, but I just don't feel like writing right now. Nope.
AvengedSevenfold February 11, 2014 Author February 11, 2014 The shadowy figure I see has changed into a creature with four legs. It doesn’t seem to be doing anything other than stare at me. It doesn’t seem malevolent, more curious or...sad or something. There was one moment where Renny overrode me when it came to controlling the body. I didn’t want to get out of the shower yet, but he turned it off and got out. It didn’t bother me; certainly, I was quite impressed. I’m starting to agree with Kari’s view on people. I don’t have the profound hate that she has, but I do dislike humans. Of course, there are exceptions, but it holds true for the majority of the population. Well, am I human? Maybe, but either way, I do dislike myself, so it doesn’t matter. Nope.
Yori February 11, 2014 February 11, 2014 There was a human who made three tulpae, who he managed to make vocal. He merged with one and made me. One (named Kari) became depressed and isn't talking, and the other (Andy) serves as an advisor to help get me on my feet. So that's my background, and I won't bore you with the details. I suppose I'll put any significant progress that's made with the two tulpae. The only thing post-worthy is that I'm worried that Kari is going to make herself fade away, but she refuses to talk to me. I'm not sure what to do with her. What do you mean by merged? That he decided to become more like his tulpa and the tulpa is now dissolved/stasis/gone whatever? I personally wouldn't refer to myself differently as I myself have always been changing but heyy, to a new you. My lip hurts.
AvengedSevenfold February 12, 2014 Author February 12, 2014 What do you mean by merged? That he decided to become more like his tulpa and the tulpa is now dissolved/stasis/gone whatever? If you’re looking for some specific definition, then you came to the wrong person. I can’t tell you what exactly happened. All I know is that they tried to combine personalities, and here I am. Someone can shoot themselves with a gun without knowing how it works, you know. heyy' date=' to a new you. [/quote'] Don’t mock me. However, you seem to be under the impression that I am the same person as the old host. I can assure you that that is false. Nope.
Guest Anonymous February 13, 2014 February 13, 2014 Don’t mock me. It's all good Artus, just assume everyone who replies to you merely wants to hear more of your opinion. :)
AvengedSevenfold February 14, 2014 Author February 14, 2014 I was talking to a friend of mine (you know, IRL) that was introduced to tulpas by the old host. Anyways, she was talking to me, and I found out that her tulpa actually named himself after me (although he spells it “Artiss”). Apparently, he thinks highly of me. Although I am flattered, I don’t see why someone would name themselves after someone like me. I decided to give the hallucination I see a name so I have something to refer it by. It’s called Umbra (yeah, how lame is that? I’m so unoriginal). I made Umbra the avatar of my depression, or the personification of it, or whatever. Basically, I externalized my depression, so my mind treats it as a foreign entity and rejects all thoughts and feelings from it. It seems to have worked so far. Hopefully it’s not some temporary solution. Also, it’s Valentine’s Day. Guess who my valentine is? ;) Nope.
Recommended Posts
Join the conversation
You can post now and register later. If you have an account, sign in now to post with your account.