the wind listens' progress log

[the wind listens]

I've been trying to hear her slight voice a lot even without the tulpatone to aid me, and I can kind of hear it whenever now, if I concentrate for a bit. It seems like my tulpa tested me and just made a long monotonous sound to see if I'll pick it up, and she was very happy when I asked her about it. I think she was having doubts about me ever hearing her before this. She gave me lots of affection after this though, so we're both happy about it.

---

 

This is why I assigned mine a tentative name that I'm fine with, with the promise that she can change it if she likes. I worried going in that if I just called her "tulpa", as someone suggested, that she'd get used to it and accept it as her name. Presumably your will choose a name though, either a little later or if you explain to her that "sweety" isn't really a name.

 

Anyway, congrats on getting possession before even the start of speech. This is a first. I also added your description to my possession thread.

 

I think she just tried putting down "sweety" because the other thing she was trying was coming out really weird, with lots of hard Gs and ch sounds, I have no idea what it was supposed to be. I think she did "sweety" just to prove she can more or less do it.

 

And thank you.

 

EDIT

 

So, interestingly enough, she came up with a name for herself. Then she changed her mind 10 minutes later.

 

We used the same method as before, I look at keys, she gives me a nudge in one of my fingers to signal she wants it. I've figured out it's a good idea to ask if it's one of the neighboring keys too, since nearby keys get mixed up sometimes. We got three letters down, then I was getting confused signals which happens sometimes. So I told her to just move my hand around as she likes to refresh or something like that, it tends to work. But what she did was beeline for the keyboard and press the letter A. And the name we got out of that was "Piya". I asked her twice if it's what she wants and she said yes. Then I was thinking about all the connotations that name has for me (it's actually not that uncommon of a real female name where I'm from, also, I remember one story where a girl with the same name was in). After I thought about all those things she seems to not like the name anymore. So it's back to sweety for now I guess.

[the wind listens]

My tulpa seems to be using the few hand signals we made as completely as she can. Sometimes she gives me a lot of affection, sometimes she seems to be upset with me and even gives me a silent treatment for a while, most of the time she likes our limited talks though. I'm pretty sure she even confuses me on purpose sometimes. Which makes sense since "likes to joke around" was one of the few personality traits I gave her at the start. It's very interesting talking to her, she surprises me on a lot of occasions. Though I know we'd get a lot more from it all if she could express herself better. I'm still trying to hear her, but there isn't much progress there. Just a very faint unintelligible voice that usually just seems to blabber on, though it sometimes gets a much different tone than usual.

 

I'm pretty sure she could move any part of my body she would want to try moving. Not more than one or two at a time, and she has trouble with bigger ones like entire arms or legs. I had her try moving my eyes and tongue, and she did, though it wasn't especially intense. She did move my head around of her own accord and it felt as odd as the first time she moved my hand.

 

Then I had her try just applying a general feeling of pressure across my whole body, and she could do most of it at once. Only some of the torso was left out. It was a pleasant feeling, like those first pressures that were the first signs of her I ever felt.

[the wind listens]

So, now I figured out about two problems in my tulpa adventure I didn't actually mention on here yet:

 

One, why does my tulpa sometimes send different signals on different hands - sometimes my left hand would consistently say yes and my right hand would say no to a certain question - I actually thought she was joking around or something,

 

and two, why did my tulpa keep sending me what amounts to "something is upsetting me/I'm distressed/I'm angry" and say yes when I asked if it's something serious, but I didn't really know what was wrong so I couldn't really do anything?

 

Well, it turns out both of my hands agree that they are in fact seperate tulpae. A lot of small things make sense now, like why was I getting happy/affection/upset symbols on my left hand if we agreed those only belong on the right hand? Why are the two sides contradicting each other?

 

They contradicted each other, I'm sure, on many questions about preference, but I don't really remember any exactly anymore, sadly. I'll have to talk to them a lot more.

 

This is interesting I suppose. I was thinking about making a second tulpa thinking they might have a better time if they could actually talk to eachother while I'm still deaf to them. On the other hand I wasn't actually gonna do it because it seems like more work when making a tulpa already seems almost more than I can handle.

 

But I suppose it's not more than I can handle if the random narration and unfocused attention I was sending out created another one.

 

I'm actually happy I found out what the problem was because it was getting quite distressing what with my tulpae saying it's a serious issue. On the other hand I didn't actually want to believe it until I started ignoring it for two minutes or so, saying how I'll confirm if it's true later... and promptly got the kick me and my tulpa were discussing two days ago to use on me if I ever need to be be woken up or something. A pretty strong kick with my right leg actually. I started feeling my tulpa there when I began making her, it makes sense she's the strongest there. Which must mean my second tulpa will be strongest in my left hand? We'll see. This will take some getting used to.

 

Of note, I read about similar things happening to Chupi and Sock here and that's why I even half seriously asked if that's what happened. So thanks for writing about it guys, I'm sure my tulpae appreciate it.

 

Now if only I was able to hear them...

 

EDIT

 

Scratch that, there's actually three of them. What the hell is going on.

 

I'm gonna sleep on this and have a talk with my tulpae tomorrow to see if this is true...

[Sands]

You accidentally a tulpa?

[the wind listens]

Only one of them is responding right now and she says it was all me. So yeah, I guess you could say so.

[the wind listens]

So, now that both hands have been responding again (maybe they were just tired yesterday? I did try to go to sleep and got back up at some point) I had a conversation with them about it. And they were saying there's even more than three tulpae in there... until I actually gave a stronger definition for what a tulpa is, to me. It seems like they might have been counting old servitors or prototulpae that I don't even know about or something? I don't know, that's my theory for now. Years ago I did feel something similar to how I feel a tulpa's presence now, on a single occasion, but my current tulpa(e) says that's not her.

 

My left and right hand are still saying they're seperate, though. They are acting with much less energy now too, maybe because I was freaking out and disbelieving them a lot recently because of all this, who knows. I'll see what they say once they're back to normal.

[the wind listens]

Since I'm not getting anywhere with vocalization I've started visualization again. It's nice and interesting because I can visualize two tulpae now, and I've changed how they both look from the way I was visualizing a single tulpa before.

 

I have a strong feeling that seeing them move will be no problem at all once I've put a few hours into getting their forms down, since I've seen each of them move even with my flimsy grasp of their forms right now. They confirmed it was them, too. Interestingly both movements they gave me were facial expressions and body language, so it's still all centered on communication.

 

My younger tulpa seems to be a bit more conservative than the older tulpa which is a bit more wild and upbeat. Or maybe that's just because the younger one doesn't have as much energy yet, who knows. Though they're both sweeties. I still refer to them as sweety, or perhaps big sweety and little sweety for the older and younger respectively. I think they wanted to give writing down names for themselves another go, and actually one of them might have accepted that Piya name I got earlier for themselves, but I'm somewhat unsure about this. It's possible they were fighting over it since they both gave "upset" signals when I called the other that. We'll just need new names I guess. I also refer to them as sisters because it makes sense.

 

The expression I saw from my younger tulpa was a somewhat flat but amused look, while my older one gave me a pretty straightforward smile. They were both happy I recognized it as them doing it and not me parroting it.

 

I think I actually know how to find the sweet spot between parroting and stifling now, more or less. Being able to confirm and reconfirm it through hand signals made that easy.

 

EDIT

 

After talking in another thread about it, I have a theory as to why I got to possession before anything else. Very early on my tulpa's presence manifested as a sensation in my leg. At first it was pleasant but after a while it began to ache. I actually took this as positive/negative feedback at the time, but after a while I figured out it wasn't meant like that, it just happened as a byproduct of the tulpa so to speak.

 

Perhaps my focusing on the physical feedback at that point made possession afterwards easy for the tulpa, however? It seem plausible to me. My older tulpa seems to agree.

[the wind listens]

So, after a very long draught, I've been out drinking tonight. I didn't drink much, only five beers, just enough to get me beyond tipsy. I have been thinking about doing an alcohol experiment for my tulpae for quite a while now. At the start I've thought that since alcohol disinhibits me, it might do the same to my communication with my tulpae. Well, the results were unsuccessful on that, but quite interesting otherwise.

 

To put it simply, my tulpae became very clumsy with their communication, like a while ago when I was starting out with hand signals. However, they apparently like to dance. Using my hands. To music I don't particularly like.

 

Though I suppose I never liked dance music.

 

It was actually very fun to watch and feel.

 

I also talked to a good real life friend about my tulpa experiences for the first time, and he was much more receptive of it than I thought he would be. He might even be considering making a tulpa of his own after the initial freak out, which is a definitive success in my book.

 

I'm still kinda non sober right now so I'll refrain from writing more, I'll add more in the morning if I remember anything.

[the wind listens]

Nothing special happened, but one thing was pretty interesting. My sweeites were both consistently sending me "no" signals all day. The only time I could get a "yes" from them was when I specifically asked for it. Whenever I asked anything, even something obvious and easy, I would get a "no" regardless of the truth. Then I asked if there was something important that I wasn't getting and they said yes. It seems I overlooked or accepted something for a fact that's wrong according to my tulpae. We agreed for them to give me a kick if I ever get close to the matter in my thoughts and narrations.

 

I also found out that they are basically telepathic in regards to any thought I want to send to them now. I asked if they're reading my mind, and they said no. Which does make sense, they only read what I was gonna send to them with my inner voice in a moment. Both of them can do it, they say. Which is cool I guess. Might come in handy for vocalization if I'm able to actually be mentally silent and just communicate with thought. If I'm able to do that consistently, that is. I'm kind of unsure about it for now, but we'll see.

[the wind listens]

So in the past week or so I had much more time for my tulpae. I spent a lot of time with them, but now I'm in a bit of a down phase on giving attention to them. I mean, I'm sure I still spend more than an hour with them per day but it's still much less than during the past week. I think they may be annoyed at me for ignoring them. We had a bit of a falling out after I tried solving this in a... stupid manner, let's say. I'm slowly learning to at least put on some music they like or something even if I'm not focusing my attention on them, and I think they appreciate that. I usually don't have music on, I might even get used to it like this.