the wind listens' progress log

[the wind listens]

Hello, this is my first post on this forum. I am almost completely new to this amazing concept and I am going to be writing a log here in case someone is kind enough to provide their opinion on anything. Please feel free to do so.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Day 1

 

This is my first time trying to do anything like this and I found out I have a huge problem with concentration, so I just went with what was easiest, which was a mix of two things.

 

I did a 2 hours long mix of "concept" visualization and body visualization, I was just trying to visualize the emotions and concepts that lie behind traits like love, curiosity, confidence, playfulness and so on, and when i drew blanks I proceeded to do body visualization interspersed in. It might not be best to not focus on one thing at a time but its what i have to work with.

 

I don't really know how well it was going at this point but it helped me a lot with concentration, I think, I can actually do the dot-on-card thing for more than ten seconds straight with my eyes open now, I couldn't even do that before. I kind of amazed myself when I actually made it for two hours, honestly.

 

I was pretty tired at this point but didn't want to fall asleep right away like a guide recommends so I watched a movie first.

 

 

Day 2

 

I did two one hour sessions of "personality-ball" this morning, though for me it kinda settled into more of a personality soup in my mind. I already feel I'm focusing better. My first problems must have been just an issue of acclimation. Or maybe it's the fact I'm incorporating more internal dialogue into it, I was always pretty good with that.

 

At one point during the second hour I took all of the personality soup and had my tulpa-to-be drink it. At this point I had this amazing feeling that was somehow close to maybe an adrenaline rush but more of an emotional one? I only got this feeling once in my life before, years ago, when I was lying on my bed depressed and basically asking "Is there anything out there? Please respond." into the void. I don't know if it really is something alien or not like that guide says, but it sure is an odd feeling. It seemed like an emotional bump, maybe? I didn't get any response from it when I tried though, and trying the drink thing again didn't really work. I think it would be very surprising for any kind of result to be visible so soon, so I am still optimistic.

 

Later I decided to try focusing some more on the traits themselves again to make that part more solid and ended up with 45 minutes of contemplating what love is and all the ways my tulpa-to-be is a loving person.

 

I'm calling her "sweety" for now, I don't want to give her a name since I'm already completely building her personality and how her body looks, I figure she should come up with it on her own when she's ready. I don't mind calling her sweety or just mentally directing my inner monologue towards her for the time being.

[Sock]

Welcome to the forums, Listener of the Wind!

 

Looks like you're starting out pretty well. People do sometimes get an immediate reaction after first starting, though I personally didn't get that kind of experience. Just keep forcing and narrating to it, her, and she should develop fine, though it will take a good chunk of time.

 

I'll be monitoring this thread, good luck!

[the wind listens]

Day 3

 

I did a bit less than 2 hours of narration about personality traits and visualizing her body. Interesting to note, at first I thought of her as basically an almost normal human, but now she shrunk to be about 10 centimeters tall. Which I'm fine with, it'll be interesting visualizing her sitting on top of everyday objects or walking around doing things inside my computer screen.

 

I feel like my concentration is getting more and more fragmented again. I don't know how good it is to mix different methods and mental activities during these sessions, but it's really the only way I seem to be able to do anything.

 

EDIT

 

I did another 45 minutes of narration about her personality and started doing a tiny bit of imposition, just to get a feel for it.

 

EDIT 2

 

I did another 45 minutes of mostly narration, some about personality, but mostly about just random things. It seems narration is by far the easiest thing for me to do because I can just jump from subject to related subject freely, and my concentration problems are circumvented by this. At one point I got the feeling from yesterday again, it was like a half physical half emotional feeling, tingling somehow centered in my lower legs on the physical side and a focused feeling of joy on the emotional side. I can't help but feel excited about it.

 

Oh, and I also tried to use tulpatone and clairvoyant focus, but the results were dismal. Having those sounds in my ears makes me basically completely blank in my mind. Even though blankness of mind might be the point of meditation and help with this, I still didn't seem to be able to mentally do anything after 10 minutes of it so I just switched back to my normal relaxing music and I was back on track with narration.

 

Also of note, when I started tulpaforcing I thought it would be a chore and had fears of my usual problems with follow through screwing it up. But it turns out narration is in fact very enjoyable for me and I unconsciously keep doing it after I decided to stop already. Must be because I have always done unfocused narration with all sorts of mental targets in my life, just focusing the target on my tulpa is pretty easy and the fun of talking about random things to someone in my head remains. The only possible problem with this is that it might be confusing for my tulpa when I also switch my own point of view, as I used to do that very freely, and I need to be careful to not inadvertently parrot by switching it to my tulpa itself.

[the wind listens]

Day 4

 

I did a session that I cut short at 30 minutes this morning for an interesting reason. I was thinking about how one of the traits that I was giving my tulpa was "active", that she likes to do a lot of things and do them often, and another was "curious" and how those two would obviously build off each other. Now, seeing those two traits, if she was starting to become a coherent being like I'm suspecting, she would obviously be very bored while having nothing to do while I'm not paying attention to her.

 

So I decided to give her a book from my memory, The Little Prince. I think she was happy about that, though I hope I'm not parroting that impression. I don't think I am, as at first I was getting the intense feeling at a few interestingly timed places during my narrations. Even one that might have been a negative response to a question or statement, though I don't remember specifics. Then, a while after the book thing, I stopped feeling her altogether. I almost felt emotionally blank for a bit, but I went onto my memories and found another moment that was emotionally charged and it seemed to snap me out of it, letting me narrate some more.

 

It felt odd to me, the emotional nudges I was feeling supposedly from her had completely stopped at this point. But then I think I stumbled into an answer as to why. I gave her the memories of two webcomics that I liked and the nudges started again for a few very nice moments. At this point they seemed more full of the joy I felt from them like the first time, unlike the ones before I showed her the book, those were varied I think but none of them was as intensely positive as the first time or this time.

 

Throughout all this I'm still having doubts. I have a strong feeling of getting ahead of myself, a feeling that I shouldn't be getting results this soon and that I might simply be parroting. I suppose I can't do much more than try to be as careful about that as I can.

 

Hoping I'm right, though, I'll give her a bit of time to mull over the stories I just showed her. Then I'll continue the narration sessions.

 

I also tried playing some guitar to her yesterday, though I wasn't very focused and I had some people nearby at the time so I suppose I'll try it a bit more seriously some other time.

 

EDIT

 

I added another 30 minutes after writing the first part of this post, but it was mostly filled with narration and me second guessing myself about the nudges. There was more of them, at least. Worthy of note is that I had the impression that she wanted me to continue because of continued nudges, I would have waited longer to continue if they didn't happen.

 

EDIT 2

 

Because of interruptions I did two more sessions which totaled about 45 minutes of tulpaforcing, interestingly I was able to focus on visualization more than on narration. Shortly after I started each time I felt the nudges, though they stop for the most part during the session. The last time I felt it it was becoming more like a steady pressure than a nudge.

 

I'm not quite sure if her shrinking down from human size is permanent, sometimes I see her as normal sized in my wonderland. Though I think I changed her hair from black to white myself, I haven't seen the first clothes I used at the start on her lately. I think I might be adding wings if she'll be small, because it would fit her fairylike size. She's wearing a white tinkerbell outfit, though one that covers more of her thighs than the original. I seem to be shaping her into a full fairy.

 

Now that I think of it the smallness might have only been a result of me liking imagining her sitting on top of everyday objects more than being a real sized human outside the wonderland. So technically she would still be human sized inside the wonderland but when imposed on the real world she'll probably be fairy sized.

 

I also tried giving her some more books from my memory but I didn't get much of a response like I did the first time.

[the wind listens]

Day 5

 

I did about an hour in total of about 50/50 random narration and visualization. I tried incorporating imaginary groping into the visualization and am happy to say that there was far less lewdness on my mind even at the most risque places. Almost none, in fact, unlike at the start where there definitely was some while I was imagining those places.

 

I might be imagining it or ascribing meaning to just a normal physical feeling, but I am getting a strong suspicion that the pressure I'm feeling is getting a negative counterpart. It's a bit like a slight ache. I'm ascribing meaning to it because I have the suspicion that my tulpa communicates her annoyance at my procrastination during our forcing sessions through it. If I go on and narrate about nothing everything seems alright for a while, like she's just happy I'm spending time with her, but after about ten minutes, I think, I get the feeling she would rather have me make some progress. Then, when I try to visualize more seriously, the ache transforms back into the pleasant pressure from before.

 

I hope, as I said, I'm not simply forcing meaning into a sensation that doesn't have any meaning, but I am somewhat optimistic that I am not. The occurrences and changes in the sensations seem to be intelligently placed, so it's me parroting at the very least. I hope it's more than that.

 

EDIT

 

I played some more guitar and I think I got a nice response... I think being the operative word. Sadly I don't have time for a real session.

 

EDIT 2

 

I sneaked in a 30 minute session anyway. I didn't get any reactions, but I did find a better method of visualizing the body. I just move my real hands as if I'm touching everything I visualize. This improves my concentration drastically. I also think it might be a good idea to put down some random narration subjects on a sheet of paper so I can take a quick peek and continue narrating right away when I get a mental block.

 

EDIT 3

 

Since I wasn't sleepy during the night I tried to force some more, but I'm really getting worn out. I only made it to twenty minutes, barely. Without being very productive, I think. I may have to take a day or two off to get the energy for hour long sessions again.

[the wind listens]

Day 6

 

I did almost nothing yesterday, apart from random inclusion of my tulpa in my thoughts during the day.

 

Today I did 45 minutes of visualization and narration. I hoped I could make an hour but I just don't have as much to go on about as I did when I started these sessions.

 

I also had the impression that the pressure was almost if not completely gone, a big difference from it being almost everpresent like it was before. It was only slowly returning during the session but it was nowhere near as strong as it was before. This is a bit distressing because I was moderately sure that my tulpa didn't want me to take a break for a day, though I did so anyway. I suppose it can't be helped now.

 

EDIT

 

Later on I was starting to feel some pressure like before so I went and forced for 30 more minutes. I had a very nice visualization session that might have even been me seeing my tulpa move on her own. I had suspicions before but this time it was clearer and when I said that I'm just accepting it was her I got a very nice response.

 

Only problem is my tulpa seems to have things that are a bit more than just a little erotic on her mind. If I'm ever exploring that area with her I'm definitely waiting until later in her development, and when I started mentally explaining this I didn't feel any more response from her. Though there was nothing negative either, so it should all be fine.

 

EDIT 2

 

I tried a bit more but my concentration is down again, stopped at 15 minutes. I am getting the pleasant pressure again.

 

I've been thinking about that. Why am I feeling pressure like that? Well, it seems almost like my tulpa is doing to me the same thing I'm doing to her. Giving me her attention, her emotions and hopes. Almost like she is forcing me. Maybe that's what tulpa forcing is, in essence, at least after a few days when the first responses begin. Not one person tulpa forcing, but two persons doing it from either side. While I'm doing her personality and body visualization she might be giving her all to making contact with me. Especially now when real contact seems to be in view.

 

EDIT 3

 

I did a few more sessions totaling about an hour. I'm getting steady pressure again, and it feels wonderful. I have not really felt a difference between long sessions and short sessions in terms of the quality of forcing. My concentration and productiveness seem to be exactly the same at 5 minutes in or at 45 minutes in. This might mean I just naturally slip into the concentration talked about in the guides, or that I actually never manage that kind of concentration. The bigger factor in how well I'm concentrating seems to be the quality of music I'm using. I can't use noise or those specific tones because there is no emotion in it and I can't use silence because there isn't any real silence where I force, so I'm distracted by a variety of external sounds. This leaves music, and the best seems to be music that conveys a calm emotion to me.

 

EDIT 4

 

I've been thinking of various movies I'd like my tulpa to see, and I remembered one where a tulpa was a plot device, if not really a character. Cast Away. I watched that movie and tried to keep my tulpa in mind at all times and I think it was working better than usual, since I usually have trouble keeping her in mind while doing things I'm used to.

 

I actually got the feeling she was afraid near the start when the plane was crashing and everything was frantic. That was by far the strongest feeling of otherness from my own self I've gotten from my tulpa. It never even occured to me someone other than a small child could be afraid in a scene like that, but then, my tulpa technically is only a few days old, and she's never seen any other movies anyway.

[the wind listens]

Day 7

 

I did a bit less than an hour this morning. I feel like I'm still mostly in the dark, but I think that my tulpa is slowly developing a fainter signal that's purely emotional. Or maybe I'm just starting to pick it up now.

 

EDIT

 

Did some more forcing, not sure how long.

 

I've been getting random aches in the same areas I've felt pressure from my tulpa recently. Namely in my lower legs, mostly the right one, but now it's been spreading into my hands as well. At first I thought it might mean that my tulpa is in a bad mood because of something, and when I tried sensing an answer from her I think she might have actually been in a bad mood, but more because I was attributing a physical feeling to her too much. The feeling must just be the normal aches many people seem to get. Once I realized this I think I got a positive response from her.

 

EDIT 2

 

I did around an hour more forcing. I spent quite some time on modifying my wonderland though, other than the normal narration and visualization I'm doing. The wonderland has officially departed from being a mental counterpart to a nearby real location. The base I used was this large manor with an inner courtyard and a playground outside that I'd visit a lot as a kid. It has some beautiful and large old oak trees. I gave my tulpa a room of her own inside the manor, and made a huge library inside as well. Outside I replaced the playground with just green grass where me and my tulpa sat like on a picnic. Beyond that I placed tall forests in the place of the residential buildings of reality, and switched a road with an imaginary river.

 

I didn't like how my wonderland wasn't really that wondrous at first, but it's shaping up to be exactly that.

 

In my tulpa's room I put a canvas for a painting on a wall and told her she can do whatever with it. I know she painted something but it's almost impossible for me to make out details. So I made a closed back exit to the manor, and gave her a key to it. Behind it is nothing I'm aware of. I told her she can sculpt the landscape however she wants. When I'm better at visualization we'll go there and I'll see what she'd made. It will probably be easier to make out than the painting.

 

EDIT 3

 

I forced my tulpa a white umbrella and a rapier sword. Since she might be heading into the unknown of my subconscious. The umbrella so she can protect herself against any passive negativity, the sword for anything more specific. I tried forcing these traits into the two items. They might be useful to her if I ever fall asleep while forcing, too, I guess. Or maybe not. I told her it's best to just run or hide if she can manage that, anyway.

 

I also parroted her killing a parrot to practice with the sword which is probably too confusing even for me, much less her. Oh well.

[the wind listens]

Day 8

 

Did half an hour this morning without anything interesting going on. The pressure is still there.

 

EDIT

 

I tried going through the gate. I think my tulpa was excited about it. I felt much stronger pressure at least. Behind the gate I found an island almost like the one from the movie I watched with her a few days ago. I'm sure I saw her trying to take me somewhere by the hand and show me something, and the pressure was increasing in an interesting way, but I couldn't see anything. I was on a sandy beach, that's about all I could see.

 

I'm pretty sure she put that island there all on her own, though.

 

I'm making today quite forcing light, not even an hour in total by the afternoon, I might make it a bit more than an hour before I go to sleep.

[the wind listens]

Day 9

 

I did another half hour of visualization. I think I was focusing much better than usual. Probably because I did less yesterday. I may have to actually put thought into pacing myself.

 

Only thing of note is I'm pretty sure she was moving her hands a bit.

 

EDIT

 

I did some more forcing before I'll be heading off to bed. It seems I get much less response during visualization than I get from simple narration or just trying to project my feelings on certain things, like a song I like for example, towards my tulpa. This is leaving me fairly discouraged on the whole visualization thing for now. I did get her form down relatively well in a void and when focusing on only it, but when I try to combine it with my wonderland, or when I try to "see" it by moving my eyes as if I was looking at something physical, I get pretty horrid results. I need to put more time into it, I'm sure, but the problem is I keep subconsciously going back to narration like I said.

 

Also my neighbor drilling into my wall all day followed by thunderstorms really isn't that great for concentration. As if I needed more distractions.

[the wind listens]

Day 10

 

I did some narration and visualization when I got the chance, what with all the drilling still going on next door. The responses are still rolling in, and from time to time I see her move or even hear a word or two. It's all still pretty foggy though, apart from the pressure itself.