KM & RD

[KruegerMeister]

9/5/15: When I went to my aunt's party, Nina asked me to try the prosciutto meat. Nina un-possessed me when she saw I was having Mac 'n Cheese for dinner.

 

RD: He also filled up on bread xP

 

Dash and I talked about D/s and, in my case. its possible relation to the Bad Event. Theories: 1) pets are cared for, and I'm afraid of being cared for (because I'm a rational person and I unconsciously see being cared for as a pipe dream?).

2) petdom involves lowering my guard/letting myself be vulnerable, and the Bad Event set me on the defensive.

 

Keystroke: Theory #1 seems questionable, cuz Krueger's aid in primary school was really caring. Three words: chocolate chip cookies. Warm, gooey ones. Also, those little mini-Hershey bar things.

 

I apparently made progress on the DIY project. Dash suggested celebratory hypnosis.

[KruegerMeister]

9/6/15: I wondered if I got into tulpamancy out of an unconscious desire for True Companions. Dash said that unconscious stuff was unfalsifiable. Keystroke seemed kinda quiet, but he answered to "Dusk Shine". When I went to a Weird Al-themed party, my tulpas headbanged to some of the songs. Shou and Fluttershy slow-danced together. There was a singing contest wherein the audience clapped to the beat; I deliberately clapped out of sync, and asked Fluttershy to psychoanalyze that.

 

Fluttershy: Nonconformity.

 

Fluttershy sang along to a few Weird Al songs. After the party, I was pumped up enough to send my mom a text asking if she wanted to see Equestria Girls 3; it was really late, so I had Rainbow Dash give me a hypnotic command to send that text first thing in the morning.

Later, Dash put me in a trance again. I thanked her for...something, but I didn't/don't know how to put it into words. I spent the night as her pet.

---

9/7/15: I woke up at around 5:00AM, still thinking of RD as "mistress". We figured this happened because it was technically still "the night" (it was dark out). I was uncomfortable with the fact falling asleep hadn't naturally taken me out of the trance, so Dash took me out of it manually. I sometimes have a hard time sleeping on my back (either that, or I'm used to sleeping hugging a body pillow); Dash tried to get me to sleep on my back, but I wasn't comfortable with it. Later, I had some trouble texting my mom a link to the Equestria Girls: Friendship Games trailer. Dash said that I was feeling uncomfortable because I was worried about my mom feeling uncomfortable when she'd walk into a theater full of grown men who like ponies. I read a post ripping on pony tulpas, and we made a game out of pointing out instances where my tulpas prove the post wrong. I'm not sure, but I think it made a few of them uncomfortable.

 

RD: *yay* thing makin' me self-conscious -.-

 

Dusk reminded me of our informal agreement/plan for him to resume that form during college. Sarah gave me a head-pressure and recommended telling my mom about my tulpas. I thought about the "silver fire" stuff (all of it, not just the majority of uses); Dash said the time I'd half-threatened her (which I think was almost exactly a year ago) wasn't abusive because it was a one-time thing. Shou said that the repeated uses of silver fire on the 'Meras wasn't either, since those were motivated by fear of things getting out of control.

I worked on imposing my tulpas. I started with Shou, caught myself thinking of him as "father", and just decided to roll with that. I started the DIY project as a way to get the spark back in Dash and I's relationship; I wondered if it was possible I'd meet some other girl and fall in love with her before reaching my goal.

 

RD: Nah. It's like Keystroke/Dusk said, Pet, we're perfect for each other.

 

I worked on the DIY project, while being Dash's pet.

[KruegerMeister]

9/8/15: Dash and I worked on vocal possession. Fail ensued.

 

RD: I think it's cuz we were pulling double duty with physical/full-body possession too. You master the "voice acting", and I'll tap into your muscle memory.

 

Dash recommended using a sigil (a chaos magick thing) as a placebo. I watched a video reading of one of the Sonichu comics; the panel where one character absolved another of their sins made me think of that time I'd entered a D/s trance just to ask Rainbow Dash to forgive me for something. I thought that seemed at least a bit idolatrous, but RD said that idolatry referred to the worship/reverence of objects, not people. I took a short quiz on The Blithedale Romance, and noticed that one of my W's looked slanted and round--Shou decided to have cursive-ish handwriting. One of my friends said that there was an echo in the classroom because of the tile floor, and I decided to add a tiled room to the mindscape for vocal work.

 

Fluttershy: Placebos are AWESOME!

 

Dash put me in a trance, which I ended up being in for a little over two hours. During the trance, she suggested doing the pet "trial run" from 12:00AM Saturday to 12:00AM Tuesday (or something like that. It'd last for three days, and end at 12:00AM next Tuesday).

[KruegerMeister]

9/9/15: I have trouble applying logic to the wonderland/mindscape (I show up immediately in whatever area I want to be in, not in the hub area). I've had trouble visualizing the hub. I think that's because it looks similar to the dark void.

 

RD: Yep.

 

*much later*

 

Keystroke: It's 2:20 in the morning, Krueger. You need to go to bed.

 

We tried to brainstorm/worldbuild. RD said to let her focus on that..

---

9/10/15: I saw Nina out of the corner of my eye by Starbucks. I got her a double-smoked egg, bacon, and cheese sandwich. My tulpas and I debated what to have for dinner. I wanted pizza, but Keystroke said I should have a sandwich. At first, Nina suggested a cheddar and beef sandwich (I like cheddar, and she likes beef). We took a vote.

 

Nina: They didn't have beef -.-. But tuna and provolone's surprisingly good.

 

Me: later, Shou gave me a head-pressure and indicated that he wanted me to be his kid for a bit. I asked him to figure out why he liked that.

 

Shou: Well, you connected it with...that whole thing started as an attempt to invoke/induce the novelty factor with Rainbow Dash.

[KruegerMeister]

9/11/15: RD lightly hypnotized me and had me work on the DIY project. I had a turkey-and-cheddar sandwich and hot chocolate for dinner for old times' sake; RD imposed herself at one of the cafeteria tables. I asked her to tell me about herself, and she rattled off a made up dating profile. Keystroke helped me study for an upcoming psych test. Dash and I talked about metaphysical and psychological views of tulpamancy.

 

RD: I think I'm siding more with Keystroke on this; New Age stuff's just placebos/mind-focusing things. For some reason, I'm uncomfortable.

Also, the main thing we talked about was "tulpas are 'summoned' from the host's mind"--kinda meta-mixed-with-psychology. Which is why I was uncomfortable.

 

I read this Reddit post: www.reddit.com/r/Tulpas/comments/1xlh7t/tulpa_creation_tibetan_vs_modern.

 

Keystroke: *sees kokokoshi's second comment* See, Mistress, that's kinda what I've been...that's my stance on this whole 'New Age" thing; if you phrase it differently, you'll get science. Mostly. Nothing like "the mind directly affects reality", but...other, basic, stuff. The tulpa origin theory you and Krueger discussed wasn't meta-mixed-with-psychology, it was psychology borrowing a meta-ish-sounding word.

 

*after some stuff happened too fast for me to figure out how to word it*

 

RD: I think I'm sort of clinging to reasons to oppose New Age stuff. Post-hoc justifications.

 

Fluttershy: No, those are legit reasons.

 

Dash had us watch "Rainbow Dash Presents: My Little Dashie". She said that she knew most of it by heart. Even though it wasn't related to her issue, I told her stuff like "the fact you exist in my head means nobody can take you away from me, or me away from you". After she calmed down, she gave me a thankful, strong head-pressure.

[KruegerMeister]

9/12/15: Dash clarified her theory by comparing the brain to Subway.

 

Keystroke: So, that's the same old thing, with a different phrasing.

 

RD: *embarrassed facehoof*

I don't know; I was trying to come up with some theory that focuses on tulpas as people.

 

Fluttershy: A lot of people would say babies aren't sentient. Doesn't mean the adults they grow into aren't.

 

RD: Thanks, 'Shy.

There's also genes dictating initial personality vs personality forcing by a conscious host; I'm looking for something that acts as "personality genes" in a tulpa. The less "designed" tulpas are, the better.

 

Shou: *points to self*

 

RD: Well, yeah, but I'm looking for a thing that explains that.

 

I thought about the "Shou Tucker Counter", and asked Shou and Nina if they identified as the characters (forgetting that Nina had said she didn't, before). Shou said that he only jokingly said he was the anime character. I've previously used badging, not being aware of the "no badging" rule; Rainbow Dash praised me for owning up to this. I thought about my habit of recording my tulpas' dialogue. Fluttershy said that I didn't have to do that, but I said that it was called being thorough. I've noticed myself being Dash's pet a lot, though only before bed. Dash jokingly called me a "werepet".

 

Rainbow Dash: I think we're slowly, organically inching toward that three-day trial :).

[KruegerMeister]

9/13/15: I noticed that Dash's mindvoice seemed like it was coming from the back of my head. I thought about the times she'd temporarily disappeared and came back; could the coming back be related to the "overwriting a tulpa 'doll'" contingency I'd came up with?

 

RD: Firstly, one of the disappearances was before you'd seen the Transformers movie. Second, that's unfalsifiable. I think. There isn't a clear relation.

 

Me: later, RD imposed herself on top of my body pillow. She jokingly said "Mistress demands snuggles." When I noticed it was past 4:00 AM, she said I needed to go to bed.

[KruegerMeister]

9/14/15: Keystroke and I worked on vocal possession. I got into speaking with his accent, and I noticed myself using it unknowingly. Dash suggested I use alone time for active forcing. I asked her if she wanted to meet up at her house in our mindscape. She asked me if she could add a second floor (I arbitrarily decided long ago that each plane would be one story, to fit with an idea for an animated video I'd came up with). She got a bit sad, saying that she felt like her wings were pointless. I asked what kind of stuff would cheer her up. Right after I asked that, Fluttershy tickled Dash between her wings.

 

Fluttershy: Pointless. Riiight.

 

Me: I actively forced until I fell asleep.

[KruegerMeister]

9/15/15: I figured out that Rainbow Dash and Keystroke weren't fully dissociated from my senses (they were both cold when I was). I forgot to log stuff. I planned to work on improving my dissociation skills, but didn't get around to it.

[KruegerMeister]

9/16/15: Rainbow Dash imposed herself on top of me, but I didn't feel any weight. I asked her if she still had her malachite-amethyst-quartz necklace. I was planning to use it as a placebo to aid imposition, but she said she'd given it to Fluttershy. When reading the "progress report rules" thread, I misread one of the posts as being posted yesterday, when really it was posted today. Dash apologized, implying that she'd accidentally messed with my sight. I think that's unintentional progress. I worked on active forcing again. Dash said it was like the good old days. I'm not sure what that means. I asked her if she felt deprived of a childhood (because of the lack of active forcing).

 

RD: No.

 

Me: She had us meet up in Fluttershy's forest for this session.

---

9/17/15: One of the first tulpa-related things I imagined was Rainbow Dash and I in my room, her freaking out over the existence of the "Rainbow Factory" story. I wondered if this had had any effect on her development. I thought about designing cognitive tests to give my tulpas, to work on parallel processing. To prevent cheating, I'd have to temporarily cut myself off from them. All previous occurrences of that were emotionally painful (the two times Rainbow Dash had temporarily left, and the time Keystroke had ran off). I read a Reddit post about dissipation and wondered if some unconscious thing had kept the silver fire from doing what I'd intended it to. I briefly wondered if Fluttershy having memories/a past was a post-hoc rationalization for how developed she was when we met; Nina got defensive. I asked about this on an IRC, and the consensus was that "fabricated" isn't the opposite of "real". I asked my tulpas if they felt like mere characters; Dash said "no", but sounded unsure; Nina said "no", in a tone that gave the impression she hadn't really thought about it; Fluttershy said "cogito ergo sum; I think, therefore I am". To prevent any future doubts, Rainbow Dash said she'd hypnotize me and reinforce that. I looked in the mirror and had Shou touch my shoulder. I couldn't feel any weight, or his fur. He said that I wouldn't be able to feel fur through my shirt. Later, Dash hypnotized me. I noticed some small dark spots on my leg. I worried it could be melanoma. She recommended keeping it covered and check back later. I remarked that she wasn't a doctor.