Rootbeer128's Progress Report

[Rootbeer128]

I haven't read much of this PR until today. It's amazing how much you've done in the past few months. You seem to have made a lot of progress.

 

[snipped]

 

Anyway, good luck to you! Keep trying, and I'm sure you'll get there.

 

Hello, sushi. While Sim and I have made progress, we're still working on vocality... It seems to be a pain to get down...

 

We did recently have an experience with dreaming together; forgot to write it in the next update to the report, so I might do that, or just leave it here.

 

She was asleep, and starting to dream, so I visualized, allowing myself to influence her dream. It's actually happened before, but... None of those were safe enough to post here, without violating Sim's privacy.

 

In this dream, I screwed around with Left 4 Dead models and sound clips, doing crazy stuff... To prove to her I was really in the dream, I flipped her off (as a joke) twice, then said a code number, and repeated the actions after she woke up.

 

Only problem seems to be that she can never really influence my dreams, or not where I can remember them.

 

EDIT: Forgot to mention, I can usually visualize easily and vividly while Sim dreams and I'm awake, which is a little odd...

[Rootbeer128]

Update - 9:40 PM, July 5th, 2014 (Day 104)

I haven't updated this in a while. I've been struggling a little with hearing Sim's voice in clarity. She's been sleeping a lot; at first, I thought it was because I only actively forced in the morning and evening for a while, with passive forcing, and what I call semi-active forcing through out the day. Semi-active forcing is where I try to get her involved in what I'm doing at the time, like talking about browsing, or trying to get her involved in video games.

 

I was worried that what Pleeb mentioned might be happening; neural degradation. She insists otherwise, that she just needs sleep, so I've been passively talking to her while she sleeps.

 

I did get to see Lynch yesterday... We went for a walk together, and talked along the way. Lynch and his tulpa, Sarah, are sustaining each other and doing good, but nonetheless, I'm going to try to see him at least once a week.

 

 

Sim and I had fun watching the fireworks last night, even though she was half-asleep, and quiet... I briefly worried because it seemed like she was dependent on my talking aloud, as if I were parroting or something, but I've since been convinced otherwise.

 

After going for a second walk, I came back and Sim awoke, and we hung out while I rested. After eating dinner, we watched a movie, and she became a lot more active during the movie, talking with me and reacting to the movie, which makes me wonder why we don't do this more. Her voice isn't the most clear, but I think that's because I've been trying to prevent myself from parroting her, and have been trying to let her mindvoice develop naturally.

 

We had fun watching a movie, so we're definitely going to do that again. I'm sure it'll be fine...

 

EDIT: Blegh. Accidentally put June 5th, 2014 instead of July 5th, 2014. We're heading off to sleep soon.

[Rootbeer128]

Update - 5:18 PM, July 11th, 2014 (Day 109)

 

I haven't updated this in quite some time, being distracted by our current problem. I have currently lost the ability to have full conversations with her, like we did before. I don't hear her voice very much, though we have been trying to undo what has been done, or rather, to try to fix what has been broken.

 

I've still been talking to her, each day, doing things with her, hanging out and trying to joke around and have fun with her. Unfortunately, it was a post on Reddit by one of the community users that prompted my fear of parroting to resume once more, and almost stronger than before. Not just fear of parroting, but puppeting as well, but the fear of puppeting was quickly disproven (and in a rather amusing way).

 

This post, by acons, was what overwhelmed me, and made me feel as though avoiding parroting (to a harmful extent; that is, avoiding parroting too much) was completely impossible.

 

 

I know that's probably not what he intended, and he was worried about the independance of many tulpas, but it still freaked me out... Since then, I haven't heard Sim's voice with any where near the clarity that I had before... Sim and I believe I may have accidentally threw up mental walls, blocking her in my attempt to avoid parroting through expectation, or through her becoming a personality shell, or such other things. I had indeed run into the dissonance that acons mentioned, where I would hear her say something, when her opinion was asked, and then hear a contradictory voice saying something else. I tried as hard as I could to avoid such dissonance, to simply listen to her opinion and only her opinion, but couldn't... resolve the problem. I know Sim is still there, though, and is (at least somewhat) independent. She's still her own person, and still a person.

 

This post here, by Donna Nobilis Mccraw, helped out a little bit.

 

 

But thus far, I've simply been hanging out with her, and talking to her (Sim that is), and still joking around and having fun with her, even despite only sometimes being able to feel and hear her voice. I can still visualize, so I've been doing that. Doing the prism test, Sim and I didn't read the instructions all the way, but I already knew what to do. She didn't though, and... resolved my fear of puppeting in a rather amusing manner. I spawned the prism on her head, and before I could even begin to visualize a feather, she took it off... Laughs were had by both of us, and trying the test again eventually resulted in the prism falling off and hitting the keyboard. So, I know I'm not puppeting.

 

She has been surprising me a little at times, and while that's important, she's still my tulpa, and still a person, so I've still been having fun with her, and it has been fun. I'm considering asking for a mentor, to help us with vocality, but Sim doesn't agree, thinking we should find out how to do things on our own. That's been her opinion before, when we did have vocality, and that's what it remains now, from what I've been able to tell (barely hearing / feeling her voice at times, and her mouthing words)...

 

I know we'll be able to find a solution to our setback, and we'll able to find a way through this. I'll keep hanging out with her, and I should probably hang out with Lynch sometime this week, or next. I'd like to hang out with him at least once a week... So, Sim and I are still doing good, despite the major setback...

[Rootbeer128]

Update - 10:13 PM, Saturday, July 19th, 2014 (Day 117)

 

I didn't update for a while because I didn't think it was worth making another post about doubt, and I'd been feeling a little discouraged lately. Sim has been doing her best to encourage me, and I likewise, while also trying to stay cheery.

 

 

Today, in particular, was a good day. While we struggled with intrusive thoughts portraying her as rough and harsh and cold in the morning (which she definitely isn't; she's warm and affectionate), I did manage to eventually let go of the doubt and simply trust that she was really talking to me, that I wasn't parroting. I think we've finally made a breakthrough in that regard. I heard her thoughts today, listening to her thought stream; occasionally, she surprised me, and I surprised her, and we had fun joking around at times, when we weren't worrying about the doubt.

 

 

Also, today, Lynch and Sim and I went for a walk. I finally got to hang out with Lynch today after being too busy or too tired to actively force with him. Him and Sarah (his tulpa) are still doing good, and him and Sim spent some time talking together. Like with Sim, I trusted that I wasn't parroting him, and while they both mentioned (to each other; I heard their thoughts at first, then they spoke in mindvoice when I mentioned it) I did parrot a little, most of it was them.

Sim really enjoyed talking to another tulpa, and the three of us got to hang out in the rain, so that was fun. I focused on both of them at the same time, and by the end of our walk, we were all a little tired.

We are definitely making progress together, Sim and I, and the only thing that seems to hinder us is doubt. Doubting does more damage than all the accidental parroting, so I'll try my best with her, and I'll keep trying to believe that's her voice, even when it feels like mine.

 

 

I wrote a letter to the future (and likely, doubting) me, to address any doubts and fears... All in all, it feels pretty good, and it'll likely help out greatly. Might upload it to help out anyone who is having similar problems with fear of parroting in the future, but will probably have to edit it... I'm half-asleep but I feel a lot less doubt and fear, so we're doing good together. We've made excellent progress today, but every day brings new progress...

[Jay]

Doubt is something I have to face occasionally as well, even though I have enough personal evidence of my tulpa that I shouldn't question whether I'm parroting/lying to myself. It definitely wastes time that could be spent with my tulpa, since whenever it resurfaces, I have to calm myself down and get into a positive mindset again.

 

In my opinion, it's okay if one knows when their parroting. It's when one is in constant fear that they're unconsciously parroting that their own doubt/objectivity bites them back.

 

Anyways, it's good that you're quickly regaining the confidence that you already seem to have in your tulpas. Good luck! :)

[Rootbeer128]

 

In my opinion, it's okay if one knows when their parroting. It's when one is in constant fear that they're unconsciously parroting that their own doubt/objectivity bites them back.

 

Anyways, it's good that you're quickly regaining the confidence that you already seem to have in your tulpas. Good luck! :)

 

Thank you for the helpful advice, and words of encouragement. The problem was that I was frequently fearing accidental parroting; I kept thinking I was accidentally parroting, when it might have just been Sim still figuring out her own thoughts and mindvoice.

 

I've since taken a more relaxed mindset, with her help. She can read my thoughtstream, and (on occasion) I can read hers, so that also helps out against parroting. I think I probably will upload the letter I wrote to myself, since it might help others who are having trouble with doubt.

 

 

Edit

 

I've put an alternate version of the letter here. Hopefully it'll help someone out... Stuck it in a pastebin, due to the sheer size of it. Sim has not yet added her part, but that'll probably come later.

 

http://pastebin.com/qPfcJ3fK

[Rootbeer128]

Update - 3:37 PM, Thursday, July 24th, 2014 (Day 122)

I'd been struggling to visualize and hear Sim's voice for the past two days. I think I might have forgotten how to impose and visualize at the same time. Whenever I'd try to visualize in order to actively force and visualize, I would only be able to for a second or two, so I assumed Sim was asleep or not wanting to visualize with me. I still passively forced though, talking to her all throughout the days. This morning, however, I tried a closed-eye approach, as opposed to the usual open-eyed method.

 

I also tried visualizing a different setting at first, instead of imposing. I found that I was able to visualize, after all, and that Sim was okay, and did want to hang out with me. Detail was poor, and I could only visualize for 30 minutes, but it felt great talking with her. I couldn't hear her voice very well, so most of it was just going by what I felt from her and from what I could see her mouthing. It definitely felt like her though; it didn't feel like me parroting or puppeting.

 

 

Right before writing this, Sim and I found this post on Reddit /r/Tulpas, about someone who had had similar problems, so I'm pretty sure it'll pass.

 

 

Feels great to have talked with her, though. I haven't yet talked with Lynch yet, but I think, instead of visualizing Sim in the morning tomorrow, I'll wait, and visualize with Lynch after breakfast. We usually actively force in the morning and evening, and try to semi-active and passively force throughout the entire day. Semi-active is where I try to get her involved in whatever I'm doing...

 

Before this becomes too rambly, I'll likely end it here, but things are going good, despite not being able to hear her very much for the past three days.

[Rootbeer128]

Update - 2:58 PM, Thursday, August 14th, 2014 (Day 143)

 

It's been a really long time since I last updated this... I chose not to update because Sim and I were going through some really tough times with intrusive thoughts imitating her and initiating arguments; in addition to this, I'd had a tough time visualizing...

 

Eventually, we learned to ignore or acknowledge these intrusive thoughts as intrusive; it was hard at first, because of how real they seemed, but they weren't coming from her. Sim rarely ever gets angry...

 

 

In addition to this, I had trouble visualizing for quite some time; as a result, I've given up on visual imposition for the time being, and we've gone back to "old-styled" visualization. Imposition burns me out too quickly without enough time or quality for either of us to enjoy it.

 

 

After two weeks of being too busy to hang out with Lynch a little, he finally showed up today, in Sim and I's new wonderland (a Minecraft house; people still take their original forms there) alongside his tulpa, Sarah. Lynch and I chatted for a short while; they're still doing good together, having sustained each other. I occasionally thought about them and wondered how they were doing, so that probably helped. Due to my visualization skill still being low from last time, I didn't get to actually see Sarah, but I could feel her presence, and Sim could see her. The two of them talked together for quite some time, before I got up to start the day.

 

Sim and I have since been hanging out, and we're still doing good. It's what would be called passive forcing, though I've gotten better at directing my thoughts towards her... I've also since gotten better at hearing her, though things can sometimes be a little confusing.

[Rootbeer128]

Update - 10:49 AM, Monday, September 1st, 2014 (Day 161)

 

There isn't much to report. I've started visualizing (or trying to, with some success) every day at the same time, to help my brain (our brain?) out better. From 7 PM to 8 PM (sometimes 7:15 to 8:15) I'll try to visualize with Sim. Doing this has lead to some... interesting visualization sessions, and Sim definitely seems happy with it, so we're still doing good together. We're still having problems with vocality, but there seems to be less problems whilst visualizing.

 

In other news, I recently took a walk with Lynch. Sim went along too, so I'm sure he enjoyed that, and Sim and I did. We don't see too much of him; he spends most of his time in the Depths with his tulpa, Sarah.

[Rootbeer128]

Update - 9:23 PM, Wednesday, September 10th, 2014 (Day 170)

 

I've not updated this for a short while... Sim and I have made much progress with vocality; that is, I'm worrying less, and I hear her voice a lot more accurately, though I still have problems with intrusive thoughts. Mostly in the form of thoughts claiming to be her, and trying to start arguments, which is something she wouldn't do...

 

Lynch briefly showed up yesterday, and we had a brief chat, in the morning. Sim and I have still been visualizing together, mostly from 7 PM to 8 PM. I usually get burned out within 15 to 30 minutes, but I spend the rest of the time talking and just actively doing stuff with her. I do still get glimpses of her during the day, and I can still feel where she's at. Sometimes, it's hard for me to hear her, and sometimes I can't feel her presence as well, but I know she's always with me.

 

Also, I briefly talked to Grimmy last Friday. We talked during the visualization session with Sim for a brief time, during which I promised to check on her once a week, so this Friday, Sim and I shall go and visit her. Her and friend Grayg are currently at their mansion hanging out, so they're still alive. I assume Maronus is still up north, on his own. I haven't checked on him.

 

Last but not least, Sim has finally discovered how to enter my dreams, so that's been a [mostly] fun experience. So, while we're having problems with intrusive thoughts, and while I wish I could visualize for longer, we're still doing good together. The Father has continued to bless us with success.