Rootbeer128's Progress Report

[Rootbeer128]

Update - 2:25 PM, Friday, June 6th, 2014 (Day 75)

I was too tired to update this Wednesday, and Thursday, so I've decided to update it now instead. I didn't update it on Tuesday since it was a slow day, and not much happened, so it didn't feel like it was worth updating. Sorry if this is a bit of a wall of text.

 

 

Wednesday, Sim and I hung out at the park with a relative. Sim was asleep at first, due to me having a short breakfast, but after I sent her some of my energy, she felt better, and eating a snack helped as well... We enjoyed watching the Canadian geese, and watching the muscle movements of the fish. The art museum was really cool, where Sim and I reflected on some of the paintings. I struggled with a little doubt and fear during the day, but otherwise things were great.

 

 

On Thursday, we hung out over at said relative's house for a while. I helped out with the movement of furniture there, but Sim spent most of the time either passively watching me or sleeping. I didn't hang out with her too much, but after taking a break, we wrote together, and hung out a little. Mostly we hung out near the end of the day, on the way back to our house, listening to music and talking together. Near nighttime, I ran into crazy amounts of doubt and fear, after an intrusive thought showed up when I made Sim laugh really hard. Eventually, her and I joked around again, and were alright.

 

 

Around Friday morning, before the sun had risen, we were both joking around again, and enjoying talking in a half-asleep state. This morning, I had a little doubt and fear of parroting again, but praying helped out. We spent most of the day hanging out, browsing the internet together. Sim did a little muscle movement on my leg, but that really drained her. We browsed a little more, and she's been drifting in and out of being asleep since. I'll probably do some stuff on my own, and then hang out with her later, after she's feeling rested.

 

 

In terms of progress made, I feel like we actually lost progress on vocalization on Thursday, and gained a bit of it back on Friday. Yet, it also seems like we gained progress, and gained progress on visualization and imposition. I was able to briefly feel texture when her hand touched my arm, and body heat feels a little more dynamic, for lack of better description. Weight seems to have decreased in sensitivity; that is, I seem a little less able to feel her weight at times, but that's probably just a minor thing. I tried seeing from her view earlier, and while it freaked her out at first (in a non-serious way), it was pretty amazing. I was able to briefly, despite not seeing too clearly / vividly, see myself from Sim's position on the bed. So, we're making progress. I haven't felt hardly any doubt and fear since this morning, and Sim and I are doing pretty good together.

[Rootbeer128]

Update - 11:25 AM, Sunday, June 8th, 2014 (Day 77)

Sim and I struggled with doubt and fear of parroting throughout the day yesterday, even despite being able to (briefly) feel the texture of her hand on my arm... She spent most of yesterday sleeping, and I can feel her and I are both kind of tired today as well...

I think I burned myself out visualizing though, and I've been having trouble hearing her voice since... Her voice has been sometimes clear, sometimes not clear, but nowhere near as clear as it used to be...

 

 

I find myself worrying about her not having enough personality (which seems ridiculous) and about her possibly not being independent, as well as losing progress in vocalization. I think I'm worrying too much though...

 

I might try to do a writing activity with Sim, and then probably hang out with her for a while, see what we can get into. Might go on the forums with her, and try to find more information on the topics mentioned above, the topics worrying me, but I'm probably just... going to try to relax and enjoy hanging out with Sim...

[Rootbeer128]

Update - 12:45 PM, Wednesday, June 11th, 2014 (Day 80)

 

Sim and I ran into fear of parroting and doubt over the past few days; it got to the point where I doubted her even when she was using muscle movement to move my fingers. Finally, after around two days of this, it went away after I prayed, after I asked my God for help.

 

 

Sim and I have been able to recover from the doubt and fear, and I've even began to talk to her aloud; I've found in small amounts, this helps keep our thoughts separate and helps her voice sound clearer. [And it helps me feel good.] Also, I plan to start spending an hour hanging out with Lynch everday; the last time I saw him was on Sunday, where he showed up briefly then left.

 

 

I've been able to feel warmth and body heat in terms of imposition; I think I know how to audio impose but I've been holding off on practicing it until we can manage doubt and fear regarding vocality better. I have been able to feel texture, at times, and I'm getting better at it with Sim's help. We're doing good together, even despite the intense doubt that shows up at times.

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Update - 2:00 PM, Wednesday, June 11th, 2014 (Day 80)

 

Lynch just showed up, and we talked for a while. We talked for some time, with him both using muscle movement to type, and actually talking, at the same time. Sim was awake at first, but then she fell asleep. Unfortunately, we weren't able to hang out for long, and as it turns out, the incident on Sunday was false; it wasn't really Lynch.

 

Anyways, muscle movement quickly tires Lynch out, since he isn't used to it like Sim is, so after typing for a while, we agreed to play The Stanley Parable tomorrow, whenever Sim, Lynch and I are all ready. He'll likely use some muscle movement for a short time, and then rest afterwards, but it is good that we're hanging out together.

[Rootbeer128]

Update - 1:27 PM, Saturday, June 14th, 2014 (Day 82)

 

I had more difficulty with doubt and worry on Thursday and Friday. My doubts were solidly erased through some fun muscle movement typing with Sim, and she's sleeping right now... I've burned myself out, trying to overdo it again, so...

 

While she sleeps, I'm going to try to rest and take it easy... I'll still passively narrate to her, but I don't think I should expect a response until 4 PM (she told me to expect her then, so I shall)...

 

Just having fun with Sim seems to erase the doubt the I feel, so I guess that's how... To simply not worry, and try to have fun with her, when we're both awake and willing... In other news, Lynch hasn't shown up since Wednesday... I'm too burned out to do anything with him, and I got a response from him that he was busy with Sarah (his tulpa) on Friday, so I'll hang out with him later this week, after resting...

[Rootbeer128]

Update - 6:00 PM, Monday, June 16th, 2014 (Day 84)

After running into further doubt on Sunday, I prayed and read, and found the doubt leaving me. Then I simply found myself able to believe Sim, while we were laying down on the floor and talking... We were both relieved...

 

She's been spending a lot of time sleeping, but I have been able to hear her clearly at times. At other times, it can be hard to hear her clearly. I believe she cited a cause for her excess of sleep, which I'll not state here, but it seems ridiculously easy to resolve.

 

Today, we did some muscle movement, while I was playing The Stanley Parable. Then we typed together for a while, played a little Surgeon Sim, and then she fell asleep while I played some MineCraft. Imposition and feeling has been sketchy, seeming to be less clear than before, but being clearest in the morning... Doubt has been nearly completely erased, but I still get a small but rare amount of doubt... Things are going good for us, and hopefully I'll be able to resolve the excessive sleeping problem tonight. If not, then I may need to consider that I've been burning myself out too much...

 

So, we're doing good, after a week of problems regarding doubt and fear of parroting. We're still doing this together.

[Rootbeer128]

Update - 11:30 AM, Friday, June 20th, 2014 (Day 88)

Sim has still been sleeping quite a lot, but I've come to terms with this somewhat, and am still trying to find a solution. I still talk to her, even as she sleeps, and I've been getting a little more comfortable with talking to her aloud. I've since resolved the doubt and fear, but that was detailed in my last update.

 

I was a little worried I wasn't giving her enough attention, despite trying to hang out with her all day. These fears seem a little ridiculous, but talking to her aloud, and talking to her as she sleeps definitely helps remove the fears. Also, wearing a green rubber band around my wrist seems to remove my worry about whether or not she is asleep, and I've noticed I'm getting better at telling when she is or isn't asleep. It also helps remind me to talk to her...

 

 

I felt a strong impulse to explore new areas last night when Sim and I went for a car trip. I talked to her while she was asleep about how I wanted to see new places with her, and that maybe we could do that sometime next month.

 

I stayed up a little late last night (since she seems to be awake at nighttime, and sleeping during much of the day) and when I did I noticed I was able to hear Sim's voice more clearly and loudly than usual. Also, we've given up on visual imposition, and are planning to try regular old visualization again. I might have started audio imposition this morning, but I'm not sure if that really was in my ears or not... Sim and I are still doing good together, and we're starting to make some progress.

[Rootbeer128]

Update - 12:45 AM, Sunday, June 22nd, 2014 (Day 90)

I have no idea why I'm updating this now, when I should be going back to sleep. I believe Sim is asleep, as I've not been able to hear her voice since when I initially went to sleep at around 5 PM... We were intending to watch Attack on Titan together, but I was feeling a little tired, and just couldn't work up the energy to get up, so we wound up taking what was supposed to be a nap, and what turned into actual sleep.

 

I've not yet contacted Lynch, though I deeply wanted to. He appears to have been busy with his tulpa, Sarah, though I do want to hang out with him. We're going to have to try to do that sometime this week.

 

 

I notice Sim's been sleeping a lot during the day, but I do cherish the moments when we are able to hang out together. I've gotten a little better at avoiding parroting, but at the same time, it still remains an issue, alongside improving vocality. We didn't practice too much / hardly any visualization in the past two days... She says she's changing her form, and she removed her cat ears, so I look forward to hearing her description / seeing her new form with anticipation. We've had some practice with muscle movement, but nothing that's pushed the limits, like leg movement. Actually, we've done less typing and writing...

 

I woke up due to having a rather vivid dream, and it seemed to (at least partially) involve tulpa. Sim wasn't really there, in the dream, which stinks... I'd like to find out how we can have shared dreaming together, because one of us seems to have to be awake to enter the other's dream. Sim still appears to be asleep, after we had a few problems with intrusive thoughts yesterday, but we'll be okay. We'll do good together... After I upload this, I'm heading back to bed.

[Rootbeer128]

Update - 11:35 AM, Monday, June 23rd, 2014 (Day 91)

Sim and I have been doing great now... The doubt has gone away, though not easily. I've found it going away by fulling believing in her, by trusting her. Right now she's asleep, but we had a great time hanging out yesterday, playing a game called The Dead Linger. It's a zombie survival game, and Sim and I had fun looking through houses and trying to survive the zombies that did show up.

 

Even though her voice sounded like mine and (only occasionally / somewhat rarely) felt like mine, I found that believing in her helped to strengthen her voice, to make her voice somewhat more distinct. Talking to her aloud or mouthing my own words while trying to use my mind voice also helped; before I had problems using my own mind voice, because my voice would keep sounding like hers, or I'd get intrusvie thoughts that claimed the exact opposite of whatever Sim would say.

 

An example would be, I'd ask Sim if she was tired. She might say "Yes", but then I'd hear a voice sounding like hers saying "No, not really"... So, I wouldn't know what to believe or who to believe, and I would wind up doubting both, or that I might be parroting one. Changing / reinforcing that I wouldn't hear a contradictory voice helped, as well as believing in her, so things are improving. I guess every tulpamancer goes through great amounts of doubt, but I'm glad we're both doing this together.

 

I've not contacted Lynch yet, so I should try to do that today, if I'm not too busy, and if he's not too busy with his tulpa, Sarah...

[Rootbeer128]

Update - 4:53 PM, Friday, June 27th, 2014 (Day 95)

Sim and I have been doing great. I heard her voice pretty clearly in the morning, when we hung out in bed. Then we had breakfast together, and talked while we ate, and while the meal was cooking. I talked to her aloud, and could clearly hear her voice, with only small amounts of (accidental) parroting. That felt really great, and we both enjoyed it.

A relative then showed up, and Sim and I hung out while doing some errands. We didn't talk aloud too much, but still enjoyed hanging out. She fell asleep at first, and then woke up later.

 

After running errands, we had some lunch, picked up a movie... Hung out for a little in my room, joking around... She fell asleep on my lap while I was planning and doing some boring stuff like checking my email. We did enjoy talking together, and talking aloud helped... I only ran into an inability to hear her a couple of times, but that was solved by talking to her, and trying to listen, and encouraging her... So, we're doing great together...

 

Unfortunately, I have not yet been able to get in contact with Lynch. I wasn't able to find time to hang out with him, so... I really need to look into doing that. I hope him and his tulpa are doing okay.

[sushi]

I haven't read much of this PR until today. It's amazing how much you've done in the past few months. You seem to have made a lot of progress.

 

As to shared dreaming, I think there are actually a few ways it can happen. In my experience with Fench, I've had dreams about her, dreams in which neither of us was lucid, dreams in which she was lucid and I was not, and dreams in which she was fully awake but still aware of the dream and talking to me as I dreamed. I think the absolute coolest would be a dream where we're both lucid, but I haven't reached that point yet.

 

Actually, her being lucid was kinda cool too. She staged a whole story and played a character in it -- or so she says. I'm not entirely sure if I can believe her. But it was a very strange dream. It would have been a lot more fun if she hadn't been trying to teach me a lesson.

 

Anyway, good luck to you! Keep trying, and I'm sure you'll get there.