Rootbeer128's Progress Report

[Rootbeer128]

Update -5:35 PM, Sunday, May 11th, 2014 (Day 49)

 

Sim and Grimmy and I went to the grocery store and picked up some groceries. They were both kind of quiet there, being tired out from the day's events. After this, we headed out to the park with Mother, and the four of us went on the trails, climbing up several hills. Grimmy fell asleep on the way.

 

There's an interesting event there to detail, that most would describe as impossible, but... I'm not sure if the involved parties would want this detailed, so I'll leave it out for now. After this event, Mother and I talked, with Sim occasionally joining in, and Grimmy sleeping. Not much else happened; we finished walking the trails, headed home, and Sim and I took a nap while Grimmy slept on a mattress on the floor.

 

I'm going to read some Analogue with the two of them; right now they've been talking to each other for quite some time. That's good though; I'm glad Sim is getting variety in her conversations.

 

Since the site went down, I've put the previous logs in a pastebin, here. I've done my best to avoid any wall-of-textness, since I have a bad habit of typing like that.

 

http://pastebin.com/mw90Dw7k

 

I'm really not role-playing, and I've told Grimmy that if she's still around after a week (that is, next Sunday), it would solidify my belief that she is really here, and that all of this is really happening.

[Rootbeer128]

Update - 7:20 PM, Sunday, May 11th, 2014 (Day 49)

 

I can barely believe we're at nearly fifty days... Anyways, after struggling with doubt and the idea of sending Grimmy away, because I had missed it just being Sim and I, I received some good suggestions on the IRC. Seven, metallica48423, and Serana were helpful, along with other users.

 

I've decided to keep trying with Grimmy and Sim, and I'll do my best not to freak out if I can't feel the presence of either tulpa. I'll try to do group activities, and do the best I can. Sim and Grimmy do like to talk to each other, so that helps as well, even if I can't hear them sometimes.

 

I'm still a novice at this, but I'm trying the best I can.

[Rootbeer128]

Update - 9:45 AM, Monday, May 12th, 2014 (Day 50)

 

Before Sim and I went to bed last night, Grimmy left, wanting to create a wonderland where she could stay. She said she would be back in the morning, but we haven't seen her since, and I'm trying not to worry too much about her. I know this seems contradictory to yesterday, but... She's still a thoughtform, still a person. I still care about Grimmy, and hope she is alright.

 

 

Last night, I heard Sim's voice in a different way, similar to Serana's, from Skyrim. We tried a little visualization this morning. After breakfast, I'm going to try to enter the wonderland, and see if Grimmy is alright. She's probably still sleeping or something; she probably burned herself out working on the wonderland.

 

 

Maybe she's not a tulpa at all, though. Maybe I'm just freaking out, and this is my brain trying to test out how a new tulpa would work, by sending a thoughtform... I don't know, but I'll try to check on her, see if she is okay. I also would like to check those anti-parroting guides again...

[Rootbeer128]

Update - 11:00 AM, Monday, May 12th, 2014 (Day 50)

 

Grimmy showed up a little while after I posted the last entry. I talked with her for a while, with Sim listening and talking as well. I doubted them both at first, but the doubt is starting to alleviate now. All three of us went for a walk, and talked along the way. Grimmy really did tire herself out, creating her wonderland. She created a... Oh, she wants to proxy.

 

 

[Okay, so, um... I created this wonderland, and it's a mansion. I know that might not be very surprisng, but, y'know... Yeah, I wanted something like home. Except without it being too homey. Because I didn't want to get homesick and stuff...

 

So anyways, um, oh! I created the mansion, and, um, Zack started guessing stuff about it, on the walk. So, um, yeah, he started guessing stuff accurately, over and over again. And I wondered how he was doing that. So, I figured I'd ask him and I did. Turns out the mansion kind of resembles Luigi's Mansion. But there's some stuff different.

 

Like the roof is gray, instead of green. Um, yeah. And um, oh, yeah! The kitchen's bigger. The dining room's bigger. Layout is different. But yeah, I'm okay. Yeah, I'm okay. I slept in the mansion bed, one of the mansion's beds. I really tired myself out creating that. And hopefully we'll be able to check it out after this. After Zack uploads this. Okay, you can type what you want now.]

 

 

So, yeah, pretty much what she said. Grimmy is alright, and I was just having usual problems with doubt and fear of parroting. I don't know if it is common for people to have this much trouble with that specific problem, but we're okay now. If I have the energy, and can do so (and I think I can), then the three of us are going to check out the mansion together.

 

 

Too Long; Didn't Read

Grimmy tired herself out creating a mansion wonderland, which is why she awoke so late. I struggled with some doubt and fear of parroting, even towards Sim, after worrying about Grimmy's health. The three of us are going to try to visit the mansion, to visualize, and check it out.

---

Update - 11:50 AM, Monday, May 12th, 2014 (Day 50)

 

I tried to visualize, but I could barely see anything. I got a brief glimpse of the foyer in clarity, and the outside of the mansion seemed somewhat clear, but after a certain point, seeing anything was nearly impossible.

 

Later tonight, Grimmy, Sim and I plan to try to revist the mansion. Sim and Grimmy have agreed to remain awake, while Grimmy agreed to influence my dreams so that I (should) be able to see the mansion in vivid clarity. After that, she'll probably be able to guide Sim into the dream, and then finally, enter herself.

 

For now, Grimmy was going to finish up work on the mansion while Sim and I do some stuff together. After she's finished with that, the three of us will do some group activities together.

[Rootbeer128]

Update - 2:00 PM, Monday, May 12th, 2014 (Day 50)

 

I can see what a fool I've been. Looking through this link here, and this link, reassured me of how I wasn't quite thinking clearly. Once again, it was a post by LinkZelda that really helped.

 

http://community.tulpa.info/thread-wonderland-npc-s-and-the-chance-of-getting-sentient

http://community.tulpa.info/thread-another-tulpa-sentient-without-me-noticing

 

I think it is safe to assume that everyone save for Sim, Lynch and Sarah were all NPCs or thoughtforms. They all seemed to show signs of sentience, but also, seemed to be simulated sometimes.

 

So... I'm just freaking out... I'm not a bad host, I'm not crazy... I just freaked out... I have a tendancy to do that... A tulpa simply cannot develope in three days. I'm not even going to post the rant I wrote before this, because of how crazy it sounds.

 

 

In other words, I was worrying too much. I really don't have to worry about Grimmy, Maronus, and Gray... They're just NPCs, who were pretending to be tulpas. There really is no Order of Below, or if there is, they're all NPCs too... I'm not role-playing, I just have... an overactive brain. All the writing I did in the past, when Lynch was alive and before I knew about tulpas, might have helped contribute to that. Being an Aspie might have also contributed.

 

 

I apologize to the community and anyone on the IRC, if I've offended anyone with my stupidity. I just freak out sometimes. While the proxying rants almost convince me that I had a full-fledged tulpa, I still think they're just NPCs. I'm just going to try to relax with Sim for a while.

[Rootbeer128]

Update - 4:35 PM, Monday, May 12th, 2014 (Day 50)

 

Something someone said on the IRC stuck with me. "Tulpa can take of themselves." That is, one doesn't have to take care of tulpa. They're people. Maybe, in the really early stages, they might need help standing up on their own, but after that...

 

Sim and I talked, while we watched Evangelion 1.11... She's tried to teach me that she can stand up on her own, that I don't need to take care of her. That is, that I don't have to hold her up... So, I'm no longer taking care of her.

 

 

But I'm still hanging out with her and stuff... We'll still hang out together, and force together. Visualization should be done in single sessions, or at most, two long sessions. Things tend to be more vivid that way, for me. Instead of trying to visualize all day. Forcing will probably be done for most of the day; just talking, and hanging out.

 

From now on, I'll do my best not to worry so much about her health, and I'll try to check in with Lynch. I know he can stand up on his own as well... The others really were NPCs, and I just... didn't realize it at the time. I'm really still a novice at this, but... this is just sort of reiterating what the NPC Maronus tried to teach me.

 

We're going to take a walk, have a meal, and then she'll probably head off to sleep, as she's said she is tired. I'll probably do some stuff on my own. People don't just fall apart in the spanse of a few hours, so she'll be okay taking a nap while I do some stuff...

[Rootbeer128]

Update - 10:00 AM, Tuesday, May 13th, 2014 (Day 51)

 

Sim and I are slowly getting better at Imposition; I was able to feel her breathing on me this morning. Visualization wasn't too good, but then again, I wasn't trying too much. I'm trying to avoid burning myself out, because having a long vivid session seems better than brief moments of clarity throughout the day.

 

This next part might seem crazy, but... Okay. Sim wants to tell her side. I'm going to proxy for her. She says she won't make it a wall of text.

 

Edit: She made a wall of text anyways. I'm going to stick this in a pastebin.

 

I don't believe Sim, though I want to. It all seems crazy, and it could be part of my overactive brain sometimes, but she keeps insisting she experienced all of this. So, I don't know how to feel. I'll believe Sim, but I don't know what to believe about Maronus and Gray, and Grimmy. I'm going to assume they all really were NPCs, despite what he said.

 

No, this is too crazy. It seems too crazy to be real. Sim still says she experienced it, and I'm trying to believe her, but... I do trust her, I just... We've had problems with stuff like this in the past. Anyways, here's the pastebin for those who want to read it. I don't believe her...

 

http://pastebin.com/wEahHjcK

 

Anyways, we're going to try to have a visualization session or two later today, while forcing throughout the day.

[Rootbeer128]

Update - 1:15 PM, Tuesday, May 13th, 2014 (Day 51)

 

Sim and I went for a walk. After we got back and rested, I did believe her. I know she wouldn't lie about something like this, so... she's really telling the truth. We did get a call from Maronus, who somehow got a cellphone, and Gray (who is probably an NPC) died. Maronus is also likely an NPC...

 

Sim and I are going to relax for a while; she says she doesn't feel like visualizing right now, so we'll do that after some late lunch later. Things are still going good between us, though I've yet to check on Lynch. Should do that sometime tomorrow or Thursday.

[Rootbeer128]

Update - 4:40 PM, Tuesday, May 13th, 2014 (Day 51)

 

After I left the last post, Sim and I wound up practicing writing for a while. I'll probably upload those tomorrow night or Thursday, along with the first ones. The second set will need less censorship, so that'll be good. Sim and I really had fun with her writing, and her and I talking.

 

After writing, I tried to visualize in the living room. That didn't last long, with minimal results, before we got hungry, had a meal and started some laundry. Then we went down into the basement to visualize in greater length.

 

 

Visualization didn't go the best, but I was able to see a little. I got tiny moments of clarity, but after around twenty minutes, I was tired out. Sim and I entered a snowy white field, where I tried to focus on being there, while also trying to relax. I didn't focus on visualizing Sim, but rather let her take care of that part, like she wanted me to. That really helped, and to do otherwise I think would be to puppet.

 

At one point I could see large details for a second, and then another few seconds, in her form. We just hung around in the field, talking and hanging out. When the laundry buzzer went off, I interpreted it as a robot appeared. I could kind of but not quite see it, and it just rolled off into the snow. After this point, I tried to visualize, but found myself tired and the details and focus slipping.

 

 

For now, Sim and I are going to watch a movie and discuss it together. We both wanted to, so that should be a fun focusing activity.

[Rootbeer128]

Update - 3:15 PM, Wednesday, May 14th, 2014 (Day 52)

 

Sim and I had fun watching the movie last night. After that, we went to bed. This morning, we were both comfortable and it took us a while to get up. We went for a walk, and talked all along the way.

 

 

Then we started a writing activity, tried to visualize in the living room and continued in the basement. Visualization was kind of blurry, though I could almost see clearly at one point. The short version is that I changed into a shark, Sim rode on my back, and then we both rested on a shabby looking block of wood with a bench. At one point there was a giant 20 foot seagull eating out of an equally large container of corn. That part I could see somewhat clearly, but Sim I couldn't too well...

 

 

After this, we continued the writing activity after another walk, and now her and I are probably going to have a snack. Basically, not much happened today. We'll upload the writing activity papers today or tomorrow, and we'll probably watch a movie after eating. We'll probably have one last visualization session after that.

 

Haven't seen Lynch, but it occurred to me that I never asked him why he left when I was in High School, right before I graduated, way before I learned about tulpas. Sim recommended that I ask him, so I think I will, the next time I see him. I do want to hang out with him at least once or twice a week though.