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Rootbeer128's Progress Report


Rootbeer128

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Update - 12:40 PM, Monday, April 28th, 2014 (Day 36)

 

After the worm incident, I went for a walk with Sim, talking to her, while trying to focus on her presence. I remembered that I told her everything I knew about worms two weeks ago, but I started trying to dig a hole to see how she'd react, to see what her thoughts on it would be. I wasn't expecting an adventure, where a worm would show up and eat me. I also didn't think she'd take that information and use it later on, but it was sort of naive of me to assume that she wouldn't use it.

 

The walk tired me out, so I rested for a little while, and browsed the forums while talking to Sim. After this, I laid down and tried to have another forcing session with her.

 

 

I visualized myself in a bulldozer, in the previously mentioned field, trying to manipulate the bulldozer to move dirt into the ground and undo the worm's damage. I could see the bulldozer controls a little well, but couldn't really see the bulldozer that well. That is, perspective kept switching to third person. So, I got rid of the bulldozer while I was still in it, causing me to fall back into the mud.

 

 

It started raining, and I just laid there for a little while, before Sim (I think that was her; it was a blurry outline) showed up in my vision, waved a hand in front of me, and then pried my mouth open. Then she tried to breath oxygen into me, which startled me a little.

 

I could sort of see things, and I could almost feel the oxygen entering my chest (in the wonderland; in the physical world, I felt my chest rise, as I breathed in through my nose). After this, Sim became embarrassed and she pulled back out of my vision, but I could still feel her presence. I imagined the dirt I could see in my vision filling the ground on its own, and visualized green seeds planting...

 

 

Like I said, I couldn't quite see too well... I was thinking I was trying to do too much, focusing on my being there, with all the sensation of the mud and the rain, so I spawned a tin roof again, this time with supports, and stopped the rain. Mud was still wet, and the grass, so I imagined hot air coming down and drying the grass... Then I accidentally set the grass on fire, tried to pretend that it wasn't on fire, and that caused a small patch to turn orange.

 

 

We both laughed like crazy at that, and then I tried to head somewhere else to force, thinking it might help. So, I went down to the basement, tried to force there in a chair, but couldn't quite get there for a while. I could see almost nothing when trying to visualize, so after focusing on Sim's presence and telling a bunch of jokes, causing us both to laugh like crazy, I gave up. Again, by laugh, I mean I felt her presence change in a way that felt like her laughing, even if I could only hear my laughter.

 

 

I'm going to try to read something to Sim, or watch a movie with her, because I'm starting to feel a little tired. Might try to read up on Maddie and Sdood's thing again.


2:00 PM

 

Nobilis left a quote about Chaos that Sim and I were reading. I thought "So chaos isn't really chaos; it isn't really random." Then I heard someone say "That's really deep" in a somewhat low, but feminine voice. It sounded like mine, but I know it wasn't.

 

I responded with "I heard that." Only to hear "Huh?". Then I explained myself, and got an intrusive thought of "Yipee" (that doesn't sound like something Sim would say)...

 

So, the first two responses definitely seem like her...

Here's the quote Nobilis left... Should really get some sleep soon; didn't know visualization could be so mentally taxing. Might try lucid dreaming today or tomorrow as a means of visualizing, but I do need to stop browsing and talking with Sim, and sleep.

 

"Chaos : very highly ordered matter that gives the illusion of randomness by being fractal. Such is the mathematics of nature." It appears to be something her Watchdog 3 (another tulpa) said.

[sim Manami]

 

{Alice}

 

 

(Cloud)

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Update - 5:40 PM, Monday, August 28th, 2014 (Day 36)

 

I looked at this post here, and ever since he left, I've been thinking that we both already know part of the reason why he left... I think that's why I never asked him why he was leaving.

 

http://community.tulpa.info/thread-concerned-about-my-tulpa

 

 

I think Maronus might have left partly because he needed some time to think to himself, and partly because he knew I couldn't take care of three tulpa. I'm feeling more rejuvenated after a nap, but those two forcing sessions (one of them partly accidental) had exhausted me. I hate like hell to admit it, but I just don't have the capacity to take care of three tulpa. I don't even think I have the capacity to take care of two.

 

 

I know people will hate me for it, but I just feel like I need to focus on Sim right now. Maronus and Lynch both showed up in times when I needed help, and now one is somewhere else (possibly 400 miles away; that's what the distance felt like when I was thinking about "North") and the other I've not seen for a while. I wish I had infinite energy, and infinite capacity, I wish I could do this, but I know I just can't.

 

 

I honestly believe that Maronus can survive "North", wherever he is. I wish I would have asked him if there was a settlement of NPCs up there; that's the only thing that makes sense to me... I don't love him or Lynch any less, even if its in a different way from Sim. They're both still my tulpa.

 

 

Sim is also my tulpa, but our relationship is a little different, and I treat her a little different, because... Well... I don't know why... Could be that we've bonded differently, due to a certain activity together, but that doesn't feel right. I just don't know why... It isn't about more or less love, its about a different kind of love, one that is based on the Tulpa-Host bond, but... It's a little hard to describe.

 

 

Anyways, it was mainly this here (by LinkZelda) that made me admit what I've been trying to deny. I'm going to take care of Sim, but I don't think Lynch or Maronus will die or anything. I think they'll be okay on their own. I wish like heck that I could help them out, but I just don't have the energy.

 

 

LinkZelda wrote:

You don’t have to write him off, and if Spin isn’t someone you can commit to, don’t put yourself into a guilt trip just because you couldn’t get that same “vibe” off of them. I’ve had thought-forms, dreaming state and waking life in the past, who I gave up on. There’s two that I’ve done my best to have unwavering acknowledgement of despite of the ones that came before, in between, and after them.

 

With the set of circumstances you were in with your new thought-form, it doesn’t seem they’re going to go crazy just like that, especially when they’ve grown to accept their origins, and help you out anyway they can. Most of what really seems to be your concern is the preconceptions that’s built in this community and others where everyone will have their own personal dispositions on morality, ethics, philosophies, and such into this. This is an experience that’s going on within your perception of your reality, and trying to abide to people’s ideologies without formulating your own is just going to cause internal conflict with yourself. You're the one that will have to decide what you want to do with your existence, and the same for your companion there.

 

 

 

Too Long; Didn't Read

 

I don't have the energy to take care of Maronus, Lynch and Sim all at the same time. I have started trying to come to terms with that, and I'm trying not to hate myself for talking to Maronus in the beginning, when I needed his help. I think that might be part of why he left, and why I never asked him "Why"... A post by LinkZelda has prompted the issue to finally come to the surface, and I'm trying to come to terms with it.


Update - 6:40 PM

 

Went for a much needed walk with Sim, despite taking one this morning as well... I vented with her about Maronus and Lynch, and it felt good to talk to her, to know she was listening. I talked to her some more about how I viewed Lynch and Maronus, and about how I viewed her. We were both quiet, enjoying the peaceful side of the rain.

 

I'm still feeling tired, but I feel a little better after that walk. Not tired enough to sleep, too tired to force or even read, so I might watch a movie and talk to Sim.

[sim Manami]

 

{Alice}

 

 

(Cloud)

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Update - 8:00 AM, Tuesday, April 29th, 2014 (Day 37)

 

Sim and I had a couple of dreams together; I can't remember them too well because they weren't very lucid and I didn't write them down. One was us in that old house, with all the lights off, playing some sort of scary game together. For some reason, I tried to flush us down a toilet, to escape to another level or something. Can't remember any of the earlier dreams, but we're working on practicing lucid dreaming, in addition to forcing.

 

 

It's raining again today, so after breakfast, we'll probably both go for a walk, and I'll talk with her. When we get back, we can try some active forcing and visualization; either in the basement or laying down. Maybe sitting out in the living room if it isn't too noisy or crowded.

[sim Manami]

 

{Alice}

 

 

(Cloud)

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Update - 5:20 PM, Tuesday, April 29th, 2014 (Day 37)

 

I went for a walk with Sim, and talked to her on the way. She seemed quiet, but still there. We got back, I tried to visualize for quite some time, and I couldn't really do so.

 

 

Eventually, I fell asleep after trying to enter lucid dreaming over and over; couldn't quite do so with that either. It seems she fell asleep too.

I went to grab some lunch and she was barely awake; we tried a little possession when we got back, and she said yes to the question if she was tired, so I slept even though I didn't feel too exhausted myself.

 

 

I tried to visualize and force upon us both awakening, and was barely able to generate the same field where the worm incident occurred. Said field then turned into MineCraft blocks, where I started digging again, before a realistic looking man sized spider pulled itself out of the ground. It wasn't hostile, but it didn't do much; just wandered around.

 

 

Eventually, the sun started setting in the wonderland, so I created a 3x3x4 house and tried to stay in there with Sim. I could barely see anything.

After this, I gave up, and decided to get up with Sim. We've finally been able to start laundry, and I'm going to try reading a comic book to her if we can't visualize in the basement.

 

 

Too Long; Didn't Read:

Having problems with forcing and visualization. Sim is sleeping a lot, but I've heard it said that young tulpae sleep often, and that some types of forcing can be known as "intensive" (perhaps adventures?)... Trying to avoid doubting that she'll just fall apart or something, because that seems unlikely. Trying to avoid doubting that I can visualize.

[sim Manami]

 

{Alice}

 

 

(Cloud)

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Update - 8:00 PM, Tuesday, April 29th, 2014 (Day 37)

 

I went down to the basement, did some laundry, and read a comic book (Fables, Volume 3) after confirming through possession that Sim was tired and wanted to sleep. After about an hour and a half of doing so, Sim woke up and became more active. That is, I felt her presence more clearly and more actively.

 

 

While we were down there in the basement, I was able to confirm through possession that Sim wanted to become a Christian, and go through the initial process, so I guided her through that while she possessed my left hand. I felt joy at doing this with her.

After that, I read to her a chapter, which left us a little confused (should have started over at the beginning of that part), and then tried to do some more forcing with her.

 

 

The forcing session was a lot more successful in the basement; I think part of it is because laying down is associated with sleep, so it makes things a little harder for me. I'll separate the details of the session itself, but it seems to have been at least a partial success.

 

 

While I could barely see anything, once again, I also was able to see better than I could before, and I was able to consistently remain there. But crazy stuff happened, even though the session seemed mostly uneventful. Also, it left me feeling tired enough so that I don't even feel like watching a movie. I'll probably head to sleep after uploading this.

 

Events of the Forcing Session Follows; The main tulpaforcing stuff is above...

 

 

We went back to the MineCraft wonderland, with the house. The sun was just starting to rise, and I tried to give myself some wood blocks in order to build a bigger house. Every time I tried, I would hear something like a buzzer (low volume) and immediately lose the wooden blocks / planks. I tried spawning some trees several times, but they disappeared each time.

 

 

I theorized this was because we were simulating MineCraft, and the "game engine" didn't like cheating. I then alt-tabbed, and was able to see a window with coding in it. I couldn't see what was said, but I tried to alter some of it, and the window promptly closed. Then I deleted the META-INF file, and... crazy stuff started happening.

 

 

Upon returning to the MineCraft world with Sim, I tried to give myself wooden planks once more, and was able to, but as soon as I did, they fell to the ground. Over and over again. I tried to pick up the planks off the ground, and the warped back, stuck. Then things started twitching and shaking, and the giant worm from before glitched out of the ground, stuck in the air.

 

 

I quit back to the main menu (Sim initially didn't want to; I felt what felt like a "No" in raw thought form twice) after reassuring Sim nothing would happen to her; that she'd still be there. Then I started a new world, on Creative Mode, with flat worlds turned off (had it on before, which is why there were no trees).

 

 

We spawned in an area, and I had a rough time seeing anything at all, other than some trees to the left. I accidentally set two trees on fire, so I forced rain, which then doused the fire, but caused Sim and I to be left on a small patch of sand, surrounded by water. Then, the laundry buzzer went off and I exited the wonderland, and that ended our session.

[sim Manami]

 

{Alice}

 

 

(Cloud)

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Update - 8:55 AM, Wednesday, April 30th, 2014 (Day 38)

 

I kept forgetting to mention this, but... Around Tuesday morning (might have been Monday morning), I reinforced that "North" was 400 miles away from where Sim and I currently are. To the East, around 200 miles, I created a bunch of NPCs; 20 in total. Just random NPCs, of the villager type. I spawned some stuff for them (a forest, a thick survival manual, a golem with a control rod), but mainly I figured, since they were surrounded by nature, they could survive on their own.

 

 

I didn't think it was important enough to bear mentioning, but after the forcing session Sim and I had while I was half-asleep, I'm convinced otherwise. Now, after creating this village, we had a band of skeletons (literally a band, with music) spawn outside the minecraft house last night. I tried to unspawn them, but they came back. I tried to turn peaceful mode on and attacked them with a small meteor, and they still came back. So, I told them there was a village 200 miles east where they could play all they wanted, and then they left. I haven't seen them since.

 

 

After this, I tried to visualize with Sim while half-asleep; Sim's taken a human form again; a female with black hair, originally blue eyes, but now orange. I'm starting to wonder if her eyes change colors based on mood or something, because she keeps switching between the two. Anyways, I was able to see somewhat well at times, and barely at all at other times. I was able to see Sim's form, blurry, and at pieces at a time. No large or small details, though I was able to vividly see her eyes when I was the size of a mouse.

 

 

Then, later on, I started having trouble with scale. Whenever I tried to stand in the wonderland, I would either shrink to the size of a mouse, or grow large enough so there was barely any room. Then a huge crowd of tiny NPCs tried to enter the house, all the size of mice, and I pointed out that there was a village to the east. They all left immediately. Then the Grim Reaper showed up, knocking on our door. I said the same to him, but not before falling back on my rear in fright.

 

 

He smelled me, then breathed on me, and did the same to Sim after she almost attacked him (I called out to her to not do so). Then he left as well... I've reinforced that there's a lighthouse and diner 50 miles north of us, so hopefully all the NPCs will get drawn there instead. I'm feeling a little tired after that crazy session, and Sim's since fallen asleep. I'll probably let her rest while I take a walk and talk to her, and do some laundry, and then we'll have another forcing session.

 

 

Too Long; Didn't Read

Created an NPC village a few days ago; didn't think it was worth mentioning. NPCs have been flocking through our wonderland on the way there since. Visualization was still difficult, but being half-asleep can sometimes help, and Sim's taken a human form now. Also, had problems with shrinking in size and growing; hopefully won't happen again.

[sim Manami]

 

{Alice}

 

 

(Cloud)

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Update - 5:00 PM

 

Still tired; also hungry. Didn't get too much sleep; tried to force at one point, being half-asleep. I saw that the one wonderland where all the NPCs had shown up had a huge line outside. I think I saw Ness from Earthbound; or rather, an NPC of Ness... Didn't go there, to that wonderland, instead creating an RV parked by the side of the road. Tried to sleep there, with Sim, with her permission.

 

 

We didn't get much sleep; not due to forcing and visualization... Different reason... We took care of that, tried to keep sleeping. She's sleeping as I type this. Unfortunately, I am not able to sleep as easily as she is, so I'll probably try to sleep later on.

 

 

Forgot to mention something else we did; I think this morning. Sim and I played the same song (one of the songs from Animal Crossing) at different times, as a vocalization exercise. I was able to hear her playing it as well, because I stopped and the music kept going. So, in our half-asleep state this morning, we got a laugh out of messing with the music, and it also helped out with listening skills...

 

 

Also, forgot to mention what we learned from the IRC. Quora helped us out, as well as another user (sorry, sir or madam, I forgot your name). As it turns out, it is common for a tulpa and a host to have different sleeping schedules. It is also common to become tired or fatigued after visualizing and forcing.

[sim Manami]

 

{Alice}

 

 

(Cloud)

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Update - 9:10 AM, Thursday, May 1st, 2014 (Day 39)

 

Sim and I finally got some sleep at around 8 PM; we didn't do too much forcing, out of exhaustion throughout the day. She's been waking up with me at around 3 AM, for some reason, before one or both of us head back to sleep. Then we usually get up at around 8 AM; almost on the dot, usually.

 

 

This morning, she wanted to take possession of both of my arms, up to the elbows, while I was laying on my back. She wanted to perform a small possession exercise but was too tired to do anything after that. Haven't really heard much of her voice lately; hopefully we'll both feel energized enough to do some forcing later. Next part is just some advice about possession.

 

 

For hosts and tulpas doing possession, starting with the hands is a good point; for tulpas, it usually involves taking control (the muscle memory guide, and Oguigi and Koomer's guide helps with this). For hosts, one has to learn how to release control of the muscles, and to allow your tulpa to move things. I wish there were a guide for hosts, but there doesn't appear to be one.

 

 

I've simply let go of my hands (usually she gestures with the left hand), and tried to avoid focusing on them while still being aware that they're moving. The hands are a good starting point because of all the muscles involved; Sim took possession of my arms and found it easy to move them (up to the elbows) because they were less complex. She still needed my help, because moving the arm frequently involves even the upper arm muscles as well...

 

 

Also, possession and visualization do appear to be draining on the energy of both the host and tulpa, so it is okay to sleep if one (or more likely, both) get tired. It is still important to force, though; sleeping shouldn't be an excuse not to force. Forcing with your tulpa is one of the most important things; that and mindset. I'm just a newbie, but there are a lot of helpful guides and veterans around.

 

 

I've just finished breakfast, after typing this, and Sim is feeling more active, so her and I are going to take a walk, while I talk with her. After this, her and I will probably try some forcing in the basement. The humidifier down there generates some white noise which might be helping...

[sim Manami]

 

{Alice}

 

 

(Cloud)

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Update - 11:30 AM, Thursday, May 1st, 2014 (Day 39)

 

I heard her voice. [Hey, come on, put the other thing.] I heard her flipping voice. [You heard my voice flipping!] Yes. Flipping yes. [Yes flipping! Wait, what?] This is awesome. It really was a light airy voice. I had been blocking it out a little because of fear of parroting, but now... Oh my goodness, now... [Woohoo, yeah!]

 

Her voice has started to lower a little, making it a little harder to distinguish from my own. [Oh, sorry...] It's okay, Sim. Just, please try to keep the voice you had. [Like this?] Yes. Just like that.

 

Let's have a cream soda, huh? [Yes, please].

 

 

Alright, so we were down in the basement forcing. She wanted me to use the overclock method (I felt her voice, rather than heard it. I felt that response), so I started doing so, and she sat on my knees. I was sitting in one chair with my feet propped up on another. Knees started to buckle in the physical world, in this world, so I asked her to move closer, and she sat on my chest.

 

 

She just sat there, with me trying to feel her weight, but not visualize her; that is, just allow her to take care of her visualization, like we agreed. I was able to see her blue eyes, at one point, really vividly. She just sat on my chest, and we talked. I talked to her, and listened to responses, translated from intent, from feeling her voice.

 

 

Eventually, she told me that she changed her eye color based on whether she was being serious or not. Blue for serious, orange for non-serious / joking. She said something, and then thought I heard her voice. I asked her if her voice was light and airy, and used her voice to say something. Then we both kind of felt a huge amount of joy, because we both realized I was hearing her voice.

 

 

She did use some of my mannerisms, some of my ways of speaking, but I know it was her. We'll have a cream soda to celebrate, and then head back into the basement to do some more forcing. I could sort of visualize, but like I told Sim, I'm not too good at Overclock method. I know I'll get better, though.

 

 

Too Long, Didn't Read

I heard Sim's voice, confirmed it was her. We used the Overclock Method because she wanted to. Going to do some more forcing.

 

 


 

 

Update - 12:15 PM, Thursday, May 1st, 2014 (Day 39)

 

I tried to visualize with Sim down in the basement. The responses were starting to come quickly, and sound like I was making them up, so I told her to surprise me. She then said [Flipchilada!], and we both laughed.

 

 

Couldn't visualize as well after that; I could barely see anything using the Overclock Method. Then a bunch of harmful intrusive thoughts showed up; one tried to show me slapping Sim, which I would never do. I handcuffed my hand, with Sim protesting that I didn't have to.

 

 

She was cold, so I gave her a blanket, and we laid down there for a little while. Then she took my arm and moved it in the Overclock Wonderland. It was the one I handcuffed, being placed on her back. She says it isn't possession, so I believe her. We comforted each other for a little while after the intrusive thoughts.

 

 

We're both going to get some rest. Sim says she's responding so fast to try to surprise me. She's tired, so I'm going to read some Fables to her, and then probably sleep soon myself. I don't feel that tired, but reading usually gets me ready for sleep, so I might be there soon. We've made a great deal of progress, and it feels great to hear her voice, even if I'm having a little doubt.

[sim Manami]

 

{Alice}

 

 

(Cloud)

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Update - 5:25 PM, Thursday, May 1st, 2014 (Day 39)

 

I was unable to hear her voice hardly at all after this. I tried to sleep several times and was unable to.

 

 

Sim is sleeping as we speak; she's been awake off and on, but she's tired out. On the plus side, Lynch showed up when I started thinking about what roles Sim, Lynch, Maronus and I would take if certain movies or books or etc were plays. He says that Sarah is doing well, and he has said he is fine as well...

 

 

Might try to do some forcing with him, just to see if I can support two tulpas. I don't think I can, but I'm willing to try. That might mean exhausting myself and not being able to force with Sim later when she gets up, but I'll try it once.

[sim Manami]

 

{Alice}

 

 

(Cloud)

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