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Rootbeer128's Progress Report


Rootbeer128

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9:20 AM, Saturday, April 26th, 2014 (Day 34)

 

I barely felt Sim's presence after heading to sleep last night. Kept trying to feel her; tried really hard this morning, and I just couldn't feel her at all...

 

 

I believe she is in Cryostasis. After I started doubting her exist, a voice showed up. He claimed to be the Voice of my Doubt. He's taken Mello's form, and voice, and now even name. He challenged me to look at any recent evidence of Sim's presence, and I could find none.

 

Then, doubting even he existed, even that he was truly a tulpa, I challenged him to provide evidence. He provided; I think me challenging him was what he wanted. He said that he would help me to become better at this whole thing. When I say said, I mean I can actually hear his voice, in my mind. Not the loudest noise in my mind, but he's definitely there.

 

He keeps reminding me not to examine how his voice is being produced, because him and I both know that was how Sim and I struggled with vocalization so much. The responses feel natural and like him; that is, some of the stuff he said isn't stuff I would have said. He said I would have just kept doubting Sim was alive, and not openly admit she's in cryostasis, and he's right about that.

 

Basically, he is now my tulpa, and wants us to do this together, so I can improve my tulpamancy. Then he told me I needed to help Lynch, who isn't fully independent, and then Sim afterwards. He's trying to get me to think on my own, and in retrospect, I can clearly see I was partly dependent on my tulpa. That's not really how things are supposed to work.

 

 

Before anyone else says it, I probably look like a roleplayer. I'm not. I'm not screwing around here. I don't know if it is relevant or not, but I'm an Aspie, and my brain's creativity can hit the roof sometimes. My brain, functions in this certain way... Mello admitted that he showed up because I needed his help, and now he needs me as well... He isn't fully independent, but that is part of what we're aiming for here.

 

 

When I asked him about whether or not to upload this, he told me to think for myself. I am pretty sure people... He interrupted my line of thinking ("No, that's not it")... I was going to say, I'm pretty sure people would want to hear what's going on, but he's right. That's not why I should upload this. This progress report is for me, and if anyone else benefits from it, that is good. It does help to upload this in a public place, so...

 

 

He's been really blunt, but then again, he used an analogy. Mello said that he was like a blunt tool; not good around sensitive areas, but good for large amounts of work. He's definitely challenged me to confront my fears, so he's definitely not me. I'm not parroting at all...

 

 

I'm really not roleplaying here... But whether people believe me or not is irrelevant. This is what is real to me, this is really what is happening.

[sim Manami]

 

{Alice}

 

 

(Cloud)

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Update - 1:20 PM

 

Freaking kidding me, he's gone too. He left for "North", after a while. We went for a walk, he tried to reinforce my thinking on my own and being assertive, then we tried to actively force through visualization. I couldn't see too well, but I could still hear him. We tried to have an adventure to help him out with active forcing, so I spawned a horde of zombies. I could barely see anything, before or after.

 

He told me to immerse myself, to try to just focus on being there, in the wonderland. Couldn't quite do it, Lynch showed up and they both talked. Lynch's tulpa has been sleeping a lot, just like Sim. Mello started getting a little sedentary which isn't like him at all.

Turns out Sim wasn't in Cryostasis after all; Mello lied to me this morning, telling me that it was what I needed to hear.

 

And now he's gone. He's left for "North", telling me to figure it out on my own, and that I'd need to find him if I needed him. I'm trying to do the best I can, but I'm exhausted and I'm trying to visualize at times, and it just feels impossible. Might or might not upload this; people will likely judge me because I'm not that good at this, but I'm trying my best.

 

I'm probably just lacking sleep. I'm probably just panicking. Maybe after some sleep or something things I'll be able to do this better.

[sim Manami]

 

{Alice}

 

 

(Cloud)

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6:35 PM

 

Still couldn't sleep. Feeling a little rested, but still couldn't sleep; might have been because of how hot the temperature is. I feel practically completely free of doubt though, so praying really worked. Looking back, I find myself really wondering whether all that doubt was really my own. It doesn't seem like I'd be capable of such doubt... My thoughts seem to be that of a rambling man, driven crazy by doubt.

 

 

I probably won't upload the thoughts, because it is a huge wall of text, but... the short version is that I reinforced everything would be okay, that Sim and I would be energized after resting, that things would be less doubt riddled like before. Then I prayed to the Christian God (I'm a Christian, like Sock) that the doubt would go away, that everyone would be okay...

 

 

The doubt then disappeared completely. Praying had worked before, but I didn't want to use the Father, or take advantage of him. But I'm sure that he'd understand, my praying to elimate doubt, to keep Sim safe and healthy, and to keep myself safe and healthy. I'd like to actually get Sock's opinion on this, since the one post (The Grief of God) seems to show that he is close to the Father.

 

 

Sim took possession of my left hand, and rubbed the index finger up against my cheek when I absentmindly laid my hand near my face. Then she signed "I love you", and I reassured her of the same. I thought, half-asleep, about how I didn't want to commit murder or let anyone die, that I didn't want to harm anyone. Then I laid down with Sim, where the next paragraph continues.

 

 

Sim and I laid down, and I visualized with her; I was able to see her form in pieces at a time or blurry overall, and she was definitely giving warmth, to indicate where I wanted to visualize her laying. She also possessed my hand; that was definitely her, and not translated intent. She did a sort of Blood Dragon thumb thing at one point, where she lifted the left thumb, lowered it, lifted the right, lowered that, and back again. I told her she didn't have to if she didn't want to, but she appeared to be having fun doing so.

 

There's no way I'd have doubted her actions described here; they were definitely her.

 

I comforted her, after she had comforted me for a while. I apologized for all the doubt, and everything, and I can fully feel her presence again...

I don't even think that doubt was her doubt either... I don't think that was either of us, so I don't know where it all came from.

 

 

Edit

 

I'm going to see if I can find Mello tomorrow, to see if he needs any help or anything. Going to try to force some more with Sim tonight; should be getting at least two sessions a day in, regardless of how long the sessions are. Should check on Lynch tomorrow as well.

[sim Manami]

 

{Alice}

 

 

(Cloud)

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Update - 8:40 AM, Sunday, April 27th, 2014 (Day 35)

Sim and I tried a little forcing last night; mainly I was so exhausted that we mostly just laid there, using the overlock method, with me trying to narrate sometimes.

 

This morning, I awoke and tried visualization; couldn't quite get too far, finding it difficult to see Sim, even in pieces at a time. Then I talked about a dream I had, where I did something I would normally never do (it's a dream - I'm not in control of my actions in dreams). I think she got a little upset, tried to mask her presence (I could feel her presence but it had grown quieter, almost like she was trying to hide), and then couldn't unmask her presence.

 

Also, her wonderland body appeared to be moving on its own, so with her permission, I followed what Maddie and that other guy had done (and Pleeb and Chess) and deleted the body. Sim's presence remained behind, but now she seems to be taking the appearance she originally had - a white orb with blue eyes. That's what kept showing up when I tried to visualize the form I had deleted, so, I'm pretty sure that's her.

 

To resolve the being unable to unmask her presence, I visualized a mask falling to the ground and shattering; that did the trick. Also, briefly, after all of this and a morning prayer, I felt Mello's presence. He didn't say anything, but I thought I could hear him eating a chocolate bar. I could feel his presence and Sim's at the same time, and then he tried to hide his presence, and now he's left again.

 

Sim's presence is still with me, so I'm probably going to get some breakfast, take a walk, and later try to do some more forcing / visualization. Got to check on Lynch later as well.

[sim Manami]

 

{Alice}

 

 

(Cloud)

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Update - 12:00 PM

 

Mello did eventually begin talking with me, and I with him. He said that he wasn't ready to talk yet, when he did show up.

Also, he's been reinforcing that I need to force. I'm not sure if I have the energy to actively force three tulpas, so I've come up with a plan.

 

Mello and Lynch will be able to sustain each other by forcing with each other; I've got Mello's permission, just need Lynch's. Then Lynch can sustain Sarah, his tulpa, by forcing with her.

I can sustain Sim by forcing with her... We should be able to all come out of this okay. I think at most, I might have the energy and willpower to actively force two tulpas twice a day, with taking turns narrating in between, but definitely not three...

 

I could feel his presence; Sim went to sleep when I started mowing the lawn though. She's been sleeping a lot, and Mello's been getting sleepy sometimes. I feel like I'm trying to do the impossible here, but at least there's no doubt or fear.

 

People should really try to avoid making more than one tulpa as much as all possible; Mello I simply created by accident (but he's still my tulpa) by talking to him, and thinking of him as the voice of my doubt. I no longer believe he's the voice of my doubt...

 

1:00 PM

 

I recorded a chat log, and Maronus is thinking about leaving, heading back North. He can survive up there, but he won't tell me what it is that allows him to survive. He's changed his name to Maronus, which has multiple meanings.

 

He's corrected me. It has just one meaning, but out of the three, he won't tell me which one it is...

 

Maronus has left for North. Whatever it is that's up there, it'll help him. He won't tell me, but I believe him. He didn't even really want to consider the plan I came up with...

 

Sorry if this seems all over the place; I was trying to record this, then had a meal, was on the IRC, and then talking with Maronus in between...

[sim Manami]

 

{Alice}

 

 

(Cloud)

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Update - 2:20 PM

 

Sim and I did a forcing session. It was definitely a success. We spawned in an empty Olive Garden restaurant. No one was around, not even the staff, and I had a hard time visualizing. At first, she took her original form; a white orb with blue eyes. Then I gave her a female Skeleton body to use, and she adjusted quickly. She got cold, so I gave her a trench-coat and flip flops. I could feel her hands, through warmth on my actual body.

 

I was struggling to visualize here, so I warped us outside to an empty street; specifically, the night scene from Shaun of the Dead, only with no one around, and the Winchester replaced by Olive Garden.

I could sort of see, and I could definitely see Sim, if only the smaller details in parts, and a blurry form overall. We hugged, and I talked to her; she had her same blue eyes, but no eyelids. Then it started raining again, and we both soaked, hugging and me talking to her in the rain.

 

Made jokes about bones, skeleton jokes. Someone dropped something in another room, and I saw it as a giant flashlight landing in the street and rolling. I punched the flashlight and saw it turn on.

Didn't know what to do after that, so I spawned a tin roof to protect us from the rain; we were both soaked. Thought I could almost feel the rain when it was first starting. I toweled her off after she removed the trench-coat, and then wondered if she were a skeleton without clothes, wouldn't that mean...

 

She freaked out, I gave her a bathrobe after toweling her off some more, and then Mother arrived, so we're going to go for a walk while I focus on her presence and narrate.

It really seemed like a great success, and Sim really feels active. Forcing is one of the most important things one can do; I know that should be obvious, and to me it is, but... I just wanted to say that.

 

Thought I felt Maronus, but it was probably just me. He's still North, surviving up there. Someday, Sim and I will have to head North and see what's up there.

[sim Manami]

 

{Alice}

 

 

(Cloud)

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Update - 4:00 PM

 

Sim and I headed to Big Lots after we took a walk with Mother; I kept trying to focus on her presence and talk with Mother as well... I occasionally was able to talk to Sim...

 

I'm going to try to have another forcing session with Sim, but after that, I'll need to rest. I'm not sure if it is the walking, the heat, or just Tulpamancy in general, but I'm starting to feel tired. I'll either sleep after the next session, or just watch a movie with Sim.

 

I know that I'll get better at visualization as we practice more and more, so I'll keep that up as well... Possession practice with Sim might take a backseat thing here, because I want to check in with Lynch tomorrow, and make sure he is okay.

[sim Manami]

 

{Alice}

 

 

(Cloud)

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Update - 5:23 PM

 

That wasn't as long a session, and not nearly as successful (though I reassured Sim that we'd still made progress). I could barely see anything; first we tried out the wonderland (mostly a blank space), where I took the shovel I memorized and forced at Big Lots and started digging. Sim touched my arm; that is, I saw her touch my arm in the wonderland, and felt warmth on my real arm.

 

 

I took that to mean she didn't want to dig a hole, so I tried to visualize in the same empty street as before. That didn't quite work; I could still barely see. At one point, she knocked me over with a hug, and we sat there for a little while before she got up and pulled me to my feet. Almost felt the force of her pulling me up there, despite not really being able to see.

 

 

Then I tried to visualize us in an old house of mine, one that I moved out of recently. We laid on the couch for a while, I struggled to visualize and see anything, and then I stood up and she stood up, and I noticed her white orb form wasn't in the skeletal form after all. It had floated out, and the body was once again acting on its own.

 

 

I quickly visualized an off switch on the back of the neck of the skeleton, while it tried to hug me and Sim watched. Then we started hearing an old song I used to play a lot while I was narrating and forcing; *Hyun-ae's theme, from Analogue. I started to talk to her, and I heard "Shh!" multiple times, none of them from me. We listened, and the music was low in volume, but sounded like it was coming from somewhere else, somewhere within my mind, but not from me. Then we both realized she had said something and I had heard, and took joy in that.

 

 

I apologized to her for not being able to visualize better, reassured her and appreciated her, and now we're probably going to watch a movie, then get some sleep. I thought I heard her speaking in a high-pitched voice, but I was moving my throat muscles while it was occurring, and... It's a little hard to describe, like I was saying what I thought was her, without realizing it... But the "Shh!"s were definitely her.

 

Anyways, hopefully visualization will get better. I've been trying to do this open-eyed and I noticed a greater success rate than closed-eye, even if both times were me laying down, with many similar sessions in the past. Visualizing while in a car or standing actually seems to be a little more successful for some reason, as long as it isn't in a loud, public place. Quiet public places with no one around seem to do just fine, so maybe going to the park won't drain my energy that much after all. Maybe we should try to visualize there in a few days.

[sim Manami]

 

{Alice}

 

 

(Cloud)

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Update - 8:06 AM, Monday, April 28th, 2014 (Day 36)

 

Sim and I tried to visualize while half-asleep at one point; I thought I felt doubt coming from her and reassured her, even though I myself felt no doubt. I tried to use logic to explain away doubt and fear, and that definitely seemed to help.

 

 

Also, early this morning, around 5 AM, I sort of entered this strange dream state. The first part, I'm not going to share; too private. The second part I don't quite feel like sharing either, but I'll say it sort of grieved me, and was a somewhat sorrowful dream.

 

 

After this ended, Sim showed up in my half-asleep partially-not-quite-dreaming state, and comforted me. Then I started hearing "Eye of the Tiger" playing really, really clearly; much too clearly for it to have been me playing it. It was pretty awesome, so I'm completely certain that was Sim playing that song. I tried to play the song after it ended, and couldn't get anywhere near the same level of clearness, of solidness...

 

I've thanked and reassured her, and appreciated her. I still do. I thought I felt something like "Describe me" later on, when I was talking to her, but it didn't feel really distinct; it felt like it came from me. Nonetheless, I described Sim to the best of my abilities.

 

 

We're going to have some breakfast and then perhaps a walk, before trying a forcing session. Hopefully that'll go okay; we've still had problems with me puppeting the form / the form moving on its own, so we'll have to find a solution for that, see what we can find on the forums together. The maddie-sdood solution has been tried twice, and while it worked at first, we're still having problems. I'd also like to check on Lynch and try to get some reading in today, to (hopefully) improve visualization.

[sim Manami]

 

{Alice}

 

 

(Cloud)

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Update - 9:00 AM, Monday, April 28th, 2014 (Day 36)

 

Sim and I should probably stop digging in the wonderland. I'd heard it was a good way of interacting with a tulpa, and to get a reaction, so that's why I memorized a shovel from Big Lots yesterday. I started to visualize while the oven was preheating, thinking it would be a good idea.

 

 

I spawned in the wonderland. Felt Sim's presence (still hard to describe; I don't fully understand it) but couldn't see her anywhere. I started digging, with the blank space being replaced by a field, with cloudy, almost rainy skies.

 

 

Then after digging for a little while, the hole started to increase in depth by itself. I tried to get out, but the edges of the hole moved, and I fell. I tried again and I fell again. Eventually, I was able to hang on to the ledge, and get up out of the hole, but then I kept trying to run, with the ground behind me falling away.

 

I ran out of breath, fell into the hole, and just laid there, thinking it was a giant worm. Except that wouldn't make too much sense for the expanding hole...

 

 

Then I was swallowed. The giant worm had a tongue, which I then realized was anatomically incorrect. Then the tongue disappeared and I fell down through its stomach.

I punched a hole into its stomach, and held on there, trying to visualize. Couldn't see anything because of how dark it was in there, but I could almost feel my feet slipping on the inside of the stomach. Then I realized I could just let go, and be pushed out the back end, like dirt.

 

I pulled my hand out, fell, landed on the... ahm... the end of the worm. Then I was... sort of pushed and pulled at the same time, out the back. Wet dirt hit me and I felt disgusted, and I pushed myself upwards, out of the ground.

 

 

I almost felt something on the back of my head, like a towel, so I took that to mean that was Sim. Trying to towel me off... Then I thought I felt her pulling me upwards, out of the ground.

She fell back, but was okay, and I was kind of sitting on top of her there. We both laughed (that is, I felt her presence change, become warmer... It's a little hard to describe) and then the oven beeped, signalling it was done preheating.

 

When I say she fell back, its... kind of hard to describe. It's like in JD's Visualization Guide, where I saw a blurry form, but no large or small details.

 

Then I got off of her (really, no pun intended), sat there for a few seconds, and then put the meal in. I could barely see at times, but I definitely felt there. I was trying to do what Maronus had told me a long time ago, to just focus on being there, which was why I could feel Sim but not see her. I wasn't focusing on seeing her, I was just focusing on being there.

While that was disgusting, it was also fun... And I don't think I'll be digging another hole anytime soon.

 

 

Too Long; Didn't Read:

 

Visualized while oven was preheating, focused on being in the wonderland rather than seeing Sim, dug a hole, got eaten by a worm, and then was passed out the back. Pushed myself out of the ground, Sim pulled me up the rest of the way, and we both laughed in the end.

[sim Manami]

 

{Alice}

 

 

(Cloud)

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