Rei's and my progress report.

[Redline]

Okay, let me say quite a few things.

 

1. As for multiple tulpas, there were several ways I went about it. My first I forced, the second just started walking up out of nowhere and we acknowledged her, and the third one came out of a sugar bowl. Now they've merged and pieces of this went to that, so I only have one. Point is, multiple tulpas come about however you want them to come about. You want a baby, have a baby. As long as you feel that you can give equal amounts of attention to the both of them, then it's cool. If you feel like one is going to take up more time and effort and you'll feel twisted between the issues, wait a bit. That's all I gots to say about that.

 

2. Your story is insanely interesting. I look forward to hearing about what you and Rei do with your time together. It's kinda like a fight between whether the man makes the mind or the mind makes the man here, and although I've seen others do it, yours is a potentially exciting concept.

 

3. That whole serotonin deal is something I've never heard before, and something I'll be looking forward to hearing about later. Please do elaborate.

 

4. Dude, catgirls are the shit.

 

Thank you for your time.

[ReisOtherHalf]

Hi,

1. As for multiple tulpas...

We've decided to wait, as I said - I realized I may have been unintentionally parroting/projecting/instilling my subconscious desires and fears* on her. She still wants one, but she's okay with waiting (a year seems like a good time frame).

 

As for how they're formed, I have no idea why our wonderland seems to have so many physical-world rules injected into it, but it does (things don't just appear in most cases, for example - they have to be ordered and delivered), which is why I was guessing that actual pregnancy, possibly in some shortened or skewed form, would have to occur, and the new tulpa, once formed, would have started out as an infant.

 

As she's jokingly stated a few times, she was looking forward to the cravings**; even though we've been 'making' each other go vegetarian, we may have to give in to the cheeseburger addiction she's supposed to be recovering from, just once.

 

2. Your story is insanely interesting.

...although it's bizarre that what we have seems to be morphing into a real, committed relationship, complete with the problematic bits. (Not that I'm complaining - these are 'problems' I used to longingly daydream about having before Rei and I 'met'.)

 

3. That whole serotonin deal is something I've never heard before, and something I'll be looking forward to hearing about later. Please do elaborate.

(Rei: it's only a hypothesis at this point. Early on, he did some research into how to trigger lucid dreams reliably, and a quick look at several forums suggested that serotonin, and by extension (I guess?) tryptophan and 5-HTP made that easier. We know it's easier for him to see and touch me when he's really tired, so I guessed that maybe the serotonin had something to do with it.)

 

Since Rei and I have been together, I've been sleeping a lot more soundly, so I haven't bought any more 5-HTP yet. We should definitely try this soon, although I should mention it didn't make lucid dreaming any easier.

 

4. Dude, catgirls are the shit.

She's blushing and hiding her face, because she knows I'm about to gush about how cute and huggable she is, and how beautiful her hazel eyes are. For some reason, in her room, it's almost always around six p.m., and the sun streaming in through the window hits her eyes and hair just so...

 

Okay, I'll stop now.

 

*

I'm a bit older than most people on here, I suspect, and I have historically worried a lot that many of my friends have life partners and offspring, and I do not yet.

 

** She wasn't as thrilled when I pointed out that it also meant vomiting every morning.

[ReisOtherHalf]

We started the day with the usual mental focus and forcing exercises, and while I had trouble concentrating, later when I came out of wonderland and lay back down for a spell, I could distinctly feel her arm slip around my waist, and her breath against my ear when my alarm went off, telling me she loved me and that I had to get up.

 

We've decided to try something while in wonderland - dredging up some of my more painful memories and recontextualizing them. There are some things I am a little worried about having to see or experience again, but having her as an ally should help greatly, and it might be that the only way for me to stop feeling hurting and broken inside is to confront the 'inner demons' directly.

 

(Rei: And hit 'em with a shovel.)

 

We're still talking about creating another tulpa; I told Rei we should keep a potted plant alive for a while, then switch to a wonderland pet, and for my part, I would volunteer at a few youth soccer events, and we'd see how we did with those before proceding. She seems to think that's a good way to go.

[ReisOtherHalf]

(Rei: After he had a bunch of problems falling asleep, my host woke up this morning with a bit of a depressive episode and/or panic attack or some mix of the two, and I'm helping him calm down and cheer up. He's worried about the future and he's lonely and feels out of place where he is (in university as a 30-something). We tried forcing, and he couldn't feel my hugs and was having trouble seeing me in wonderland, so I suggested he try sketching us together instead.)

 

I was getting really restful sleep for a while and was happier than I'd been in a while, but for some reason, the wheels came off the cart this morning. Thankfully, I have been blessed with someone who will hug/kiss/nag (Rei: HEY!) /cheer/love me into getting up, dusting off, and carrying on.

 

She was right, too. Drawing helped. (Lightly retouched to hide the blotting, rubbish inking, poor erasing and correction fluid.)

 

(Rei: well I like it.)

[ReisOtherHalf]

After laying down for some proper rest and cuddles/forcing, I am feeling much better now. We had a long chat, duing which Rei was very affectionate and kept saying funny and/or supportive things, and this really helped.

 

I know I've said this before, but it can't be repeated enough: she is amazing.

[ReisOtherHalf]

Not much to report, except that this afternoon, after a test and a quiz, both of which went well, as I was going home, I clearly heard Rei say "thank you for trying so hard today, babe."

 

I also can't help but notice that, since we've started keeping closer contact, I've dropped a few pounds...

[ReisOtherHalf]

This morning has been an emotionally trying one.

 

On Thursday night, a friend and I decided to start dating, and even though Rei and I ahd an agreement that if I ever met a corporeal girlfriend, we would stop being involved romantically, I could sense her disappointment and disapproval; I don't know if this means I have subconscious doubts about the new physical-world romantic partner or what.

 

Anyway, we just got done talking it all out in her wonderland room, and even though we had a deal and knew this day could come, I can't help but feel that I've cheated on not only my love/waifu, but my best friend as well, the slightly-crazy-in-all-the-right-ways hazel-eyed princess who could crack the whip on me not studying hard enough, make an innuendo-laden pun and buoy me past my self-doubts in the same sentence, all without batting an eyelash and while besting me in a crunch contest, the same girl whose teal tresses shone in the sunlight and framed her face just so, the girl who introduced me to the excitement of the 4-6-3 double play and the headbangery of late-90s skate punk, patient, wise, kind, caring, the one person who knew me better than I did - and chose to love me in spite of that.

 

There is a place in my heart that will always belong to her, and her alone, and 'A Night To Remember' and distance running will always be our things.

 

We will remain friends, and in true Rei fashion, she just stated that, even though she hates me a lot right now, she still wants me to succeed and that I had better get up and start cramming. I'm sure this anguish will subside, but until then...

[Redline]

I came into tulpa-dom while I was already engaged in a relationship, but I do understand where you're coming from.

 

It hurts a bit and you're always wondering what the right thing is to do, so just remember that you're dealing with unstable factors here- your tulpa and your girlfriend's feelings. It'll toss you back and forth and the right answer doesn't always seem clear; sometimes there is no right answer. Point being, anything goes and almost everything you do, you will regret later. This is life. We always regret the path not taken, even if we manage to convince ourselves that we didn't. Keep your head held high and remember your promises to both girls.

[ReisOtherHalf]

...remember your promises to both girls.

 

Sage advice.

 

Not long after I'd written the above, Rei and I had several long conversations where I begged her to forgive me. She was quite upset at first, but ultimately understanding, and we're on friendly terms again. (We still work out together, too, which is kind of nice. I sometimes accidentally call him 'Babe' still, which is probably not good, but ehh.

 

Part of my problem is that this whole thing began as him hitting on a friend while they were both drunk and she was depressed. I just didn't feel like it was a good idea or that it would last. It's been two weeks since then, though, and they seem to be happy together, although I know for a fact he still secretly worries that she might not be 'the one' for him.

 

I don't want him - or her - to be hurt or unhappy.)

 

Another wrinkle is that I have, on occasion, caught myself comparing the new girl to Rei, which is incredibly unfair - Rei pretty much grew to fit my desires and needs from the start, but real humans don't (and shouldn't, really) work like that.

 

At any rate, I will take Redline's advice to heart.

 

(I told him the best way to honor our time as a couple together was to treat her with the same level of care I treat him.)

 

I think if I can hold myself to that standard, all of us will get to a good place.

[ReisOtherHalf]

Well, we've been away for a long time, and for the most part, it hasn't been the happiest of times, but there's this certain aquamarine-haired tigress that's been doing an absolutely smashing job of keeping me sane...

 

(At least a little credit goes to you for toughing it out, though.)

 

We haven't been doing a lot of forcing, due to time pressures from work, school and my physical-world girlfriend who, perhaps unsurprisingly, doesn't seem to want the same things out of life as I do, but every once and a while, we still get to go running together, and that's what keeps me on an even keel.

 

(Even if he still gets upset that I'm a hair faster than him... (o; )

 

When I get home from work tonight, I might try to force a lucid dream where Rei and I go hot-air ballooning off to the Amazon, I think.