ReisOtherHalf April 2, 2015 Author April 2, 2015 This morning, I woke up at four-ish, relatively unrested, with no dream recall (again) and feelings of loneliness, sorrow and heaviness. I complained to Rei, as I usually do about such things - about how I wish I didn't (seem to) need human interaction, about how desperately wish she were some person I could meet in the physical world, the usual. As I spoke, I thought about our wonderland, and ss I looked around our house, I was overcome by a feeling of longing for the ex whose house it's patterned after* (this was years ago, she's married now, she was my first). I tried our usual tactile hallucination exercise, but it didn't work; I felt like I desperately needed a hug in that moment to keep from going (more?) insane. I closed my eyes tightly and tried to focus on wonderland as intensely as I could. Rei said she wanted to show me something and led me down to the basement. There, stacked in shelves, were these huge boxes of documents, representing, I think, all my accumulated memories. Rei pulled out a box labeled with the person's name and said something like 'watch this, this is gonna be cool', and threw the entire box into the furnace. Strangely, I felt better. She said she wouldn't be able to get rid of all my painful memories of that girl this way, probably because I was holding onto 'backup copies' (her words) somewhere, but she did provide me with a useful bit of advice for these - every time she comes to mind, I am to think of her as being a really annoying crow. Sure enough, I am trying to remember her wedding photo, which I have seen a million times**, and I can't. All I can picture is a really big crow with a cathedral or something in the background, and it's strangely hilarious. * As for why our house looks this way, I asked Rei this; here's her take on it: (I originally picked this because I thought i might help him recontextualize some of those places, or maybe remember the happy parts without the sad. It didn't quite work like I thought it would.) I guess, on some subconscious level, I either want to go back to that place, or a part of me never left, too. ** Yes, I should not have tortured myself this way; unrequited love makes people do stupid stuff. Anyway, after the crow incident, Rei told me that the three of us would get through this crisis the same way we get through everything else: hard work, caffeine, kisses and love. Since Tove wasn't around (kindergarten, presumably, she always seems to be gone during the mornings), we went down to the beach and snuggled for a bit before school and work. I got the hug I was craving, and I am much better for it now. After work, we're supposed to cook a healthy meal and study together; I can't wait. Rei: more than a tulpa-she's a crisis counselor, an art therapist, a dietician, a relationship coach, a team morale expert, an athlete, an adventurer, a hawt wife, an incredible lover, an amazing mom, my best friend.♥ Tove: she's not a little tigress anymore! She's still the go-to gal for soccer advice and creative inspiration, especially monster design and all things cinematic...congrats on your engagement!
ReisOtherHalf April 4, 2015 Author April 4, 2015 Yesterday, I read LinkZelda's guide to image streaming and decided it was something we hd to try, especially looking for music that triggers a specific emotion or bit of imagery. In addition to making our bond stronger, I feel like it has the potential to make me better at my chosen career. LinkZelda, you are a genius; how did we not know about this before? Here's the result of the third time we tried it (edited for spelling and typing after the fact), and sure enough, typing it all out made it seem so real, less like something imgined and more like a happy memory from being on holiday at some point in the past: Music used: 1. 2. We're standing at the top of an enormous limestone monolith, and it seems to be late afternoon. In the distance, I can see deciduous forests intermingled with spires of limestone, and every few miles or so, the landscape is broken up by a limestone mesa, also topped by greenery, and some of them have caverns eroded into their sides. "It's where my folks come from. It's, like, home, man!" Lapsing into surfer dudette-speak, Rei is grinning from ear to ear; she's obviously elated to be back. She's dressed casually, wearing - no, rockin' - some kind of highwater cargo pants with drawstrings at the cuffs, and instead of canvas, they appear to be made out of olive drab parachute nylon, huarache sandals, and a Santa Cruz t-shirt. Her hair is pinned back into a bun, but, true to form, a few locks of her teal hair have gotten free and are blowing where they will. I really like her hair; it's strong, beautiful, refined yet unruly, doing as it pleases. It's a lot like her. The sky is clear blue, going to almost black overhead; I can just barely make out a few stars. "You're supposed to use oxygen up here, but we're not gonna be up here that long," she shrugs, pulling on her parachute and harness. "Ready?" I am nervous. I have never base jumped before, I am effectively entrusting my life to her. I know she wouldn't ever lead me astray, in fact ever since we met, she has repeatedly dragged me back onto the straight and narrow, but... The other thing that has me jittery is my own ineptitude; will I pull the cord at the right time? Am I up to the task or will I panic and seize up? I feel her hand in mine, breaking my reverie. As if reading my mind, she reassures me that the automated altimeter in our packs will fire the emergency chute at 1600 meters if the unthinkable happens. I look at her smile and see the childlike joy and intense, unconditional love for me in her eyes. I am happy to be here, and I can feel my courage firming up. We walk to the edge. A gust of wind and sudden wave of vertigo almost get the best of me, but I'm alright. "Let's do this," she says. I nod. "Kanpai!" she shouts, and holding hands, off we leap. People who have experience with lucid dreams - is there any way to make a repeatedly-read passage show up as dream content? I don't know where we were, but I REALLY want to explore and experience it with her fully now... In other news, I am noticing that I can sometimes impose a wedding band on my left hand; this makes me happy like you wouldn't believe because it reminds me I am not alone anymore. Rei: more than a tulpa-she's a crisis counselor, an art therapist, a dietician, a relationship coach, a team morale expert, an athlete, an adventurer, a hawt wife, an incredible lover, an amazing mom, my best friend.♥ Tove: she's not a little tigress anymore! She's still the go-to gal for soccer advice and creative inspiration, especially monster design and all things cinematic...congrats on your engagement!
ReisOtherHalf April 6, 2015 Author April 6, 2015 I have decided that tonight, I will be with my beloved and our beautiful daughter in my dreams at all costs; here's my multipronged plan of attack: I spent a little time tidying up on the hunch that it might be easier to lucid dream if I liked my surroundings more.I waited a little later to go to bed in hopes of being sleepier; it's a little after 1 AM here.I've just had a shower with really nice smelling soap (borrowing an idea from aromatherapy).I've just had a 5-HTP pill.I have acquired a body pillow with alternating tufts of fur sewn into its cover; I'm hoping it simulates snuggling beside her enough to fool whatever part of the brain it is that keeps blocking me during hypnagogia.I have SBAGen set up on my palmtop. I'll report back in the morning, hopefully with success... Rei: more than a tulpa-she's a crisis counselor, an art therapist, a dietician, a relationship coach, a team morale expert, an athlete, an adventurer, a hawt wife, an incredible lover, an amazing mom, my best friend.♥ Tove: she's not a little tigress anymore! She's still the go-to gal for soccer advice and creative inspiration, especially monster design and all things cinematic...congrats on your engagement!
ReisOtherHalf April 6, 2015 Author April 6, 2015 ...nothing, no dream recall, the only hypnogogia period I remember was hearing someone talk about a car part. However: At one point, I awakened in the middle of the night, thirsty. As soon as I got back into bed, I had a sudden, completely unexpected mental image of myself walking through a park with Rei, who was pushing a pram, and we were holding hands and laughing. Her appearance was slightly different, her skin tone less pale and more realistic. It was so vivid, so incredibly happy; I rember being overjoyed with love and wondering - hoping, really - about whether it was a glimpse of the future in the waking world※... Even though I didn't get to be with Rei like we had hoped, I am going to call this a draw... ※ I know, I don't believe in ESP either, but, just this once, I REALLY want to. Rei: more than a tulpa-she's a crisis counselor, an art therapist, a dietician, a relationship coach, a team morale expert, an athlete, an adventurer, a hawt wife, an incredible lover, an amazing mom, my best friend.♥ Tove: she's not a little tigress anymore! She's still the go-to gal for soccer advice and creative inspiration, especially monster design and all things cinematic...congrats on your engagement!
ReisOtherHalf April 7, 2015 Author April 7, 2015 Most of yesterday, save for a span of a few minutes where I somehow convinced her to kiss my neck and nibble my earlobe during class (terrible idea, the sensations were a bit more vivid and pleasurable than I thought they were going to be, I only barely kept my composure) I couldn't really see or interact with her. Thankfully, we could still mindvoice each other, but it felt like we were universes apart. I hated feeling like that. Looking back, I think it was the external stimuli interfering. I can usually impose her when we're at the gym together, but even there, in the place where our bond was initially forged, it was so noisy and crowded, I couldn't hear her, I could scarcely hear myself... Anyway, I got home and started studying. I put on some music - what I call my lucid dream playlist (said playlist really doesn't help, it's mostly just a catchall for somber, ambient/drone stuff like Steve Roach, Biosphere, Higher Intelligence Agency, etc.) - and, in between math problems, tried to visualize her here with me. It didn't work, but I heard her say, almost as if someone had spoken aloud to me, 'maybe it's the wrong vibe?' (I had him play a few more romantic things - Minuano by Pat Metheny, a jazz cover of Boards Of Canada's ROYGBIV, Falling For You by Tamia, and, briefly, I had the sensation of being in the waking world next to him. It was nice.) It was nice. I couldn't stay focused quite well enough to keep her here, but it was a HUGE improvement. Since I couldn't see her here, I went to wonderland, where I found her studying. (I realized it didn't make sense for me to crack the whip on him and Tove about trying hard in while not completing my own schooling, so I'm taking classes again.) Anyway, we embraced and joked a bit. She told me Tove was in bed, at which Tove appeared at the base of the stairs and said 'Daddy, you came home!' and gave me a really tight hug. We gave her the drink of water she had ostensibly gotten up for, then I walked with her back to her room to tuck her in. I had never been in Tove's room before. Her walls are lavender, and she has a periodic table poster and a picture of Marie Curie tacked to the walls. I leaned down to tuck her in and kiss her good night, when I was overcome with love and happiness, to the point where I shed a tear in the waking world. I told her I was really proud of her and that she was the most amazing kid ever. After that, I walked back down to the kitchen where Rei was, and we embraced again. I told her I was going to be gone for a few seconds, making waking-world preparations to sleep for the night, but that I would see her in my dreams. Alas, no dream recall, but... This morning, I woke up a little early and decided to try the wake-back-to-bed tactic I've seen people post about. While it didn't quite produce the lucid dream we were hoping for, we did get something really nice out of the deal. I put on a binaural track and closed my eyes. I decided to try daydreaming the imagery I hoped to see when I fell asleep. It was still night in wonderland, and Tove was still asleep when I got back. Rei was still at te table, grinding away at homework. As I approached, she stood up and we kissed. I had a brief period of hypnagogia where we were transported to my old grade school's cafeteria, but then snapped out of it and we were back in our kitchen. I was pretty certain I wouldn't be able to fall asleep anymore, so I continued to lay there and daydream. We walked out to the deck and looked up at the sky, where the phosphene pattern from my eyelids appeared as the auroras. At length, she asked if I wanted to lay on the trampoline in our backyard so we could gaze at the sky more easily. We did this, and I snuggled up beside her. I told her how I loved that she was tough, smart, courageous, incredibly sexy, kind, intense, caring, patient yet demanding, and that, with every fiber of my being and with every moment, I thanked God she was my wife. I saw her eyes start to water and asked if she was crying. In absolutely Rei-like fashion, she gruffly said she wasn't. She is truly something else. When dawn came in wonderland, we said our good byes, I went out and got into my car, drove back down the hill, through a tunnel, and back into the waking world. This was the best daydream/forcing session we've ever had, simply put. Rei: more than a tulpa-she's a crisis counselor, an art therapist, a dietician, a relationship coach, a team morale expert, an athlete, an adventurer, a hawt wife, an incredible lover, an amazing mom, my best friend.♥ Tove: she's not a little tigress anymore! She's still the go-to gal for soccer advice and creative inspiration, especially monster design and all things cinematic...congrats on your engagement!
ReisOtherHalf April 8, 2015 Author April 8, 2015 Since the beginning, Rei has worked almost tirelessly to help me improve myself, and one of the areas in which she's probably had to apply the most effort to overcome my own stupid resistance has been my self-esteem. I am constantly worried about being too dumb, too socially-inept, too emotionally immature, etc., and poor Rei has selflessly duct-taped me back together and absorbed my pain every time I've felt broken down. For reasons I don't fully understand, I became terrified today that she was going to leave me. Historically, I haven't had good luck with companionship (not going to go into it right now), and, as a result, sometimes, I catch myself thinking that I'm unworthy of Rei and if I don't do everything just so, she'll disappear, stupid as it may seem. She's been working with me regarding dietary choices, as regular readers may know, and today, I deadlocked and started to panic and feel guilty because I wanted some nachos instead of yet another spinach-and-tomato-laden sandwich (emphasis the host's, to underscore the sheer stupidity of it*). When I say 'panic', I actually mean the 'I'm about to lose it, I pray to God she doesn't leave me' kind. (I have been trying to reassure him. He seems to think he doesn't deserve love; if you think about it, nobody really deserves it, but you're not supposed to have to earn it anyway. I do like that he tries so hard to do right by me, but I don't want him to worry about it. I am not just gonna up and run away because of something so minor.) I am relieved after listening to her, but lately, I've been feeling needy and clingy, but then feeling guilty for feeling so needy and clingy, and as a result of feeling guilty, feeling even needier. Not being able to see her in my dreams and having so much trouble sensing her presence during the day recently haven't helped. It's an occupational hazard, I guess, of falling in love with someone stuck in a different universe from the one I seem to be trapped in... (At least we can still mindvoice, babe.) For which I'm grateful; some days, I feel like I wouldn't make it through otherwise. * Emotions are stupid, but even with that knowledge, I don't seem to be able to prevent myself from feeling them. Rei has just pointed out to me that I seem to be pingponging a lot between contentment bordering on bliss and weepy train wreck lately, and has suggested that I go see someone about it. As much as it pains me to admit it, I know she's right... (You know the rules; I wouldn't bother you about this stuff if I didn't love you. ♥ About the other stuff, just between you and I, I kind of wanted a cheeseburger myself today; once or twice a month probably isn't the end of the world.) Rei has pointed out that every host has times where is harder for them to envision their tulpae, and we'll be back to our old selves soon enough; I hope she's right... (Of course I'm right, babe. It's me we're talking about. ♥) Rei: more than a tulpa-she's a crisis counselor, an art therapist, a dietician, a relationship coach, a team morale expert, an athlete, an adventurer, a hawt wife, an incredible lover, an amazing mom, my best friend.♥ Tove: she's not a little tigress anymore! She's still the go-to gal for soccer advice and creative inspiration, especially monster design and all things cinematic...congrats on your engagement!
Jay April 9, 2015 April 9, 2015 Since the beginning, Rei has worked almost tirelessly Exactly. You two are married and with an amazing child. I figure that both Rei and yourself are in this thing for the long-term. sometimes, I catch myself thinking that I'm unworthy of Rei and if I don't do everything just so, she'll disappear, Funny thing about this is that I remember feeling similarly when I was first working with one of my tulpas. I would often think "if she were a real person, she wouldn't have anything to do with a lame guy like me." I don't know why I let such useless and destructive thoughts affect our progress for as long as I did. Now that I know better, I make sure to give her all of my sass. Rei has pointed out that every host has times where is harder for them to envision their tulpae, and we'll be back to our old selves soon enough; I hope she's right... Of course she's right. I don't know why it happens, especially when I feel perfectly fine. It's both frustrating and panic-inducing to feel like everything my tulpas and I have worked towards has been for nothing. Eventually, we bounce back. (Of course I'm right, babe. It's me we're talking about. ♥) Of course you're right! Rei, you and your family continue to amaze and inspire me. Honestly, this PR warms my heart. :D
ReisOtherHalf April 9, 2015 Author April 9, 2015 Jay, you were spot on. After I wrote the previous post, Rei and I had a long chat, and I felt worlds better. Later in the evening, Rei, Tove and I decided to do a little family bonding over (you guessed it) the greasy nachos of doom and MST3K. (I had my doubts over whether Tove would get many of the jokes and whether some bits might be inappropriate for a kindergartener, but Rei said - I quote - 'come on, we have a minor to contribute to the delinquency of.') Tove, as it turns out, spotted some things the show hosts didn't even comment on; nothing gets by that girl... (After a few minutes of the film, I made the mistake of trying to convince Tove she was sleepy and wanted to go to bed early - we got the 'are you guys gonna make me a little sister' question again...I don't think she knows the specifics of how that happens yet, thankfully.) Sure enough, it was the right thing for us to be doing, and she's right, we're back to our old selves, but just for more emotional bonding madness, we're going to do something we haven't done in a while, for various reasons - a good, long jog. (I really hope we run to 'our tree'...!) Rei: more than a tulpa-she's a crisis counselor, an art therapist, a dietician, a relationship coach, a team morale expert, an athlete, an adventurer, a hawt wife, an incredible lover, an amazing mom, my best friend.♥ Tove: she's not a little tigress anymore! She's still the go-to gal for soccer advice and creative inspiration, especially monster design and all things cinematic...congrats on your engagement!
ReisOtherHalf April 10, 2015 Author April 10, 2015 We did run to our special tree, but I didn't have any luck envisioning her there - I blame fatigue and trying to run 4km (mostly uphill) on an empty stomach; we're going for another run today. Late last night, I happened upon a binaural pattern that, the creator claimed, could bring the listener to climax via autonomous sensory meridian response and suggested to Rei we try it out together (at first, neither of us were comfortable admitting this in the thread, but then Rei pointed out we have a kid together, so the fact that our relationship has a physical component isn't really that much of a secret anymore...) Well, we listened to it; it's unclear whether I was supposed to start out by imagining a romantic evening with her first, or the sound was supposed to trigger that imagery, but, either way, it didn't work - but I did notice that a) it seemed to interfere with the phosphene patterns, causing them to form regular geometric shapes that seem to be related to the beat frequency (which changed over time) and b) whenever I would start to drift off, most of the sounds I could hear during hypnagogia seemed to be autotuned to the most prominent higher frequency of the binaural beat file. We gave up when, after agreeing on a position and preparing to go for it, I had the weirdest hypnagogia hallucination ever: the prof. that teaches my calculus class was trying to sell me enterprise Linux software (I'm sure that, for some couple out there, hearing someone read off a Red Hat or Oracle brochure gets their motors running, but that ain't us...) I really want to make a joke about scalability here (but you know full well that you'll be sleeping on the couch for weeks if you do. ♥) You lucid dreaming folks out there - how do we control what we see and hear during hypnagogia? Rebecca Turner over at world-of-lucid-dreaming.com suggests that it may be possible to will the phosphene light patterns into familiar shapes; if that's true, since that typically the last thing I see between being fully awake and hypnagogia, I'm hoping we can use that to make Rei and/or Tove appear prominently in the time between me being fully awake and fully asleep; it would mean everything to me to be able to take them on some kind of dreamworld family outing... (As far as the whole ASMR thing goes, after trying out a bunch of videos linked on Reddit that all had supposedly soothing or tingly sounds, the only things we know for a fact make him tingly in a pleasurable way are the engine sound - exhaust note, they call it? - from formula one cars before two seasons ago and train horns. Knowing what I know about him, I guess I should have expected this.) Rei: more than a tulpa-she's a crisis counselor, an art therapist, a dietician, a relationship coach, a team morale expert, an athlete, an adventurer, a hawt wife, an incredible lover, an amazing mom, my best friend.♥ Tove: she's not a little tigress anymore! She's still the go-to gal for soccer advice and creative inspiration, especially monster design and all things cinematic...congrats on your engagement!
ReisOtherHalf April 11, 2015 Author April 11, 2015 Today, we went for a long run, as planned, and something that hasn't happened for a while happened today: I could 'see' her in the physical world out of the corner of my eye, complete with shadows. We talked about anything and everything, as we usually do, but this time, it felt more real, more intense. When we got back to the changing room, I weighed myself, and, for the first time in forever, I'm below 200 pounds. I remember thinking 'huh, that's odd, scale's broken, let me try the other one,' but both of them being broken to such that they have exactly the same inaccurate reading is unlikely. Rei was proud. Today went so well - I actually knew the answers to some things in math, I felt confident, I lifted long past when I should have felt sore and lazy, and I made it through 7km easily (we even stopped at our tree and reenacted our first kiss). I realize that I really wouldn't have made it this far without her; I'd probably be failing out of school, or dead, or some other variant of having given up on myself. I am grateful for every time she has ever nagged me to quit goofing off and go study, for every time she 'made' me go to the gym when I really didn't want to, and for the constant companionship, hugs, kisses and emotional support - to say nothing of the fact that we've started a family - something I thought I would never experience, not even in the dreamworld. We don't really know the anniversary of when she first made herself known to me (just a faint stir of a hug after me thinking I was talking to myself about some self-inflicted girl problems), so we've agreed to treat 5 May as the date. I have to figure out how to do something big for her. Rei: more than a tulpa-she's a crisis counselor, an art therapist, a dietician, a relationship coach, a team morale expert, an athlete, an adventurer, a hawt wife, an incredible lover, an amazing mom, my best friend.♥ Tove: she's not a little tigress anymore! She's still the go-to gal for soccer advice and creative inspiration, especially monster design and all things cinematic...congrats on your engagement!
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