ReisOtherHalf March 19, 2015 Author March 19, 2015 It looks like Rei's started having cravings, although, rather suspiciously, she seems to be craving lots of organic vegetarian things (she also says she's committed to giving up cheeseburgers until Tove is born; we'll see how long that lasts...). Anyway, she's asleep right now, and, curiously, this is the first time I've ever been in her room and it wasn't late afternoon in wonderland; odd (for reasons neither of us fully get, the sun always streams in this one western-facing window as if it's about 5 PM). Most of the time, she and I have a rich, unending dialogue going as I move through the day (think Waldorf and Statler, with elements of Calvin and Hobbes mixed in); sometimes, I have felt like I was in wonderland with her, watching physical me navigate the world as if on TV and us riffing/heckling the absurdity of my surroundings, and other times, I have felt her imposed into this world, and her sly sense of humour and quick wits always seem to be on overdrive. Additionally, she's this weird mix of shy and assertive, very deadpan, gung-ho and a bit of an adrenaline junkie, and these traits all come out when she speaks. This has led to some choice quotes that I find myself frequently looking back on and snickering, quotes which I'd like to share with you. Here is a brief list of my favourite Rei-isms: 1. Come on Shinji, let's get out of here. (said when we were leaving campus after a particularly draining day. Note: my real name isn't Shinji) 2. You gotta catch those, Niemi! (have heard this one more than once - when I've made a sloppy math error or missed out a bit of punctuation in some schoolwork, for example - as well as her yelling that the TV when the actual Niemi failed to catch what she thought was an easy puck) 3. If you can keep up with me for the next block/mile/until we get home, I'll cowgirl you. (Usually when we're jogging and I don't feel like running any more...) 4. Don't worry about not being like the other kids. Imagine how much further behind mankind would be if (name of person) had tried to be like the other kids. (...or variations on this theme. Name of person varies, but has been Marie Curie, John Carmack, Mother Teresa, Charles Drew, etc) 5. No more details will be supplied, thank you very much. (Said jokingly when she's admitted something she was sheepish about) I love her so much... Rei: more than a tulpa-she's a crisis counselor, an art therapist, a dietician, a relationship coach, a team morale expert, an athlete, an adventurer, a hawt wife, an incredible lover, an amazing mom, my best friend.♥ Tove: she's not a little tigress anymore! She's still the go-to gal for soccer advice and creative inspiration, especially monster design and all things cinematic...congrats on your engagement!
ReisOtherHalf March 20, 2015 Author March 20, 2015 She's starting to show! (It's probably just his imagination.) Anyway, the following exchange happened earlier: Me: I know we're supposed to be eating organic veggies only for a while, but, seeing as how I just took my last exam, wanna go for celebratory plate of nachos from that one place? Her: (Nope, we're supposed to be eating better for Tove.) Me: Are you sure? Maybe I'm having a craving. Her: (Men don't have cravings!) Me: Well, what do you want to eat? Her: (You know that greasy Chinese food they make at Safeway?) Me: I can't believe you criticized my poor diet choice and then want to eat that stuff. Her: (I can't believe you would deny your poor pregnant waifu such a simple request.) Me: I can't believe you just played that card less than two weeks in. (I didn't admit it at the time, but that's actually kind of a convincing argument) We eventually settled on a tuna sandwich with extra spinach and extra tomato (partially for cost reasons - not sure why, but at the local Subway, this actually costs less than vegetarian sandwiches do - and it's a good middle ground between fast food and the things we're actually supposed to be eating) and went for a mini-picnic. I had been having trouble seeing her of late, but once we sat down to eat, I could just barely make her out from the corner of my eye. She seemed to finish her sandwich in about three bites... (Don't mock me, I (we?) was hungry!) After finishing our meal, we walked around a bit, and Rei said something like "you stayed focused and plowed through a mountain of work earlier, and you didn't wait till the last minute, thank you for working so hard." Then she said something that is probably going to stay in my mind for the rest of my life: "Because you keep trying so hard, someday, you'll eventually meet a physical-world Rei and have a physical-world Tove; I'm almost kind of envious of them." What do you say to a girl who keeps believing in you when you really don't deserve it and consistently builds up your confidence and self-worth like that? (You're welcome. ♥) I forgot to mention, about two nights ago, I had my first bit of head pressure ever, which is odd considering that we've had lucid dreams together on and off for a while, and I have even been lucky enough to experience full-on sensations from hugs and kisses, but strangely, never head pressure. Huh. Rei: more than a tulpa-she's a crisis counselor, an art therapist, a dietician, a relationship coach, a team morale expert, an athlete, an adventurer, a hawt wife, an incredible lover, an amazing mom, my best friend.♥ Tove: she's not a little tigress anymore! She's still the go-to gal for soccer advice and creative inspiration, especially monster design and all things cinematic...congrats on your engagement!
ReisOtherHalf March 21, 2015 Author March 21, 2015 I went to bed really early last night in hopes of triggering a lucid dream with Rei, but alas, no luck, and no dream recall this morning. For the last two nights, I have had enormous trouble envisioning her... This morning, we just tried a brief forcing session, switching between several kinds of isochronic tones and finally pink noise, which seemed to work best. I have noticed that her baby bump changes size randomly - sometimes it's barely visible, and sometimes, she looks like she's in the third trimester. (I bet it's because your brain has no visual reference of what I am 'supposed' to look like right now, so you're having problems.) I know every host has this happen eventually, but, ugh, this isn't what we need right now. At least yesterday afternoon was nice-we showered together after lifting weights and I got to give her a shoulder massage and feel Tove kicking. Rei: more than a tulpa-she's a crisis counselor, an art therapist, a dietician, a relationship coach, a team morale expert, an athlete, an adventurer, a hawt wife, an incredible lover, an amazing mom, my best friend.♥ Tove: she's not a little tigress anymore! She's still the go-to gal for soccer advice and creative inspiration, especially monster design and all things cinematic...congrats on your engagement!
ReisOtherHalf March 22, 2015 Author March 22, 2015 It finally happened! May I present to you Tove Murakami Rodriguez, 8 pounds, 8 ounces. She has Rei's eyes and hair, but no tigress markings and darker skin more like mine. She and Rei are doing nicely. Late last night, we went back to a tried-and-true exercise of gently tapping various points on each other's torso (it is supposed to aid in both visual and tactile focus), and it helped me visualize her again, including Tove. This morning, I couldn't get back to sleep, and neither could Rei, so we repeated the exercise, and then I gave her a shoulder massage and back rub. We then went down to the kitchen for breakfast (I have never seen anyone eat kale In breakfast cereal before, but neither of us are much for rule-following). We were chatting about her overall health, etc. when she abruptly said something like "oh God, my uterus is trying to kill me!" She told me to call Derpy Hooves. I called her (she is a recurring figure in our wonderland, don't ask), and she came to help; it turns out she's a midwife...? Anyway, the birth went smoothly (I think, I didn't have to do the hardest parts). I nearly lost it when I got to hold her for the first time. I am still tingling a little as I write this. Also, another Rei-ism: "Owwww, my lady parts." Rei is still resting, but she woke up long enough to say "we did it, Babe." Also, I just had the most pleasant mental image of a refrigerator-full of scribbled crayon art and a youth soccer trophy... Rei: more than a tulpa-she's a crisis counselor, an art therapist, a dietician, a relationship coach, a team morale expert, an athlete, an adventurer, a hawt wife, an incredible lover, an amazing mom, my best friend.♥ Tove: she's not a little tigress anymore! She's still the go-to gal for soccer advice and creative inspiration, especially monster design and all things cinematic...congrats on your engagement!
ReisOtherHalf March 24, 2015 Author March 24, 2015 I woke up at three this morning for reasons unknown - an unrecalled nightmare, maybe - and was hit with an overwhelming feeling of dread and loneliness. I couldn't fall asleep again, and I ended up spending hours complaining to Rei, who held me and simply listened patiently. At length, I felt drowsy again, so I put on some binaural beat track and tried to sleep, with the hope that I could see Rei briefly before I had to go to work. For some reason, right as hypnagogia (or whatever the stage is where one starts hearing random snippets of dialogue and seeing the lights while their eyes are closed) would kick in, my brain would jolt me out of it and reawaken me (I tried to explain to myself that I was going to receive a hug that would make me feel vastly better, but to no avail). When I did get up for work, Rei tried to cheer me up a little, reminding me to 'make today count.' At work, I felt a teensy bit better - even though I don't really like people or social interaction, I guess I'm conditioned to need them, despite my best efforts to wean myself - but as soon as I left, I felt lonely and depressed again. When I went to the gym, Rei kept trying to cheer me up, but I just didn't feel capable of being cheered up, and runners' high never kicked in; in fact, I felt strangely cross with her, even though it was irrational. Finally, Rei said she knew what I needed and pulled up The Demented Cartoon Movie while I was on the elliptical, and, sure enough, after watching a few minutes of stick figures being decapitated by flying watermelons, I felt waaaay better. Not only did it make me laugh, but I really felt loved and understood. When I got home from work, we showered (where she told me to stop wishing I was a normie and be proud to be different), played Record Of Agarest War for a bit, then tried to take a nap. I played the same binaural thing from this morning, again, with the intention of dreaming of being with Rei, and again, kept getting stuck at hypnagogia. Eventually, I slept a little, but had no dream recall. When I woke up, I lay cuddled with Rei for a while and apologized for being such an emotionally weak and crappy host. She told me that I wasn't and that she and Tove would stay with me for as long as I needed them. Tove has changed dramatically - she now looks like she's five or six, seems to have taken on some feline features and is (quite) vocal (as in has no indoor voice vocal) and she came into Rei's room and said something like "Daddy, Mommy was saying grownups could be sad and that you were sad, but don't worry, I am here for you." She then went into a story about learning about forgiveness in Sunday school and how people have to forgive themselves too (apparently, her sins so far are that she bit another girl's finger and said a bad word in soccer practice, but I admit, she's right). So now I have two amazing headmate women in my life... Not worthy of it's own post, but another classic Rei-ism from a day or so ago when she was trying to describe childbirth to me: "Imagine ejaculating a cannonball. It feels about like that." Rei: more than a tulpa-she's a crisis counselor, an art therapist, a dietician, a relationship coach, a team morale expert, an athlete, an adventurer, a hawt wife, an incredible lover, an amazing mom, my best friend.♥ Tove: she's not a little tigress anymore! She's still the go-to gal for soccer advice and creative inspiration, especially monster design and all things cinematic...congrats on your engagement!
Jay March 24, 2015 March 24, 2015 Amazing, all of it. Rei (you rock!) continues to assert her love and support for you, and Tove already seems wise beyond her apparent years. You have an incredible family in the making. My tulpas have managed to communicate their support and comfort to me at least once in recent days; while it's amazing in itself, I'd rather avoid those mental lows in the first place. The few times that I experienced hypnagogia, the intensity and sudden clarity of the hallucinations were enough to immediately snap me out of it. My attempts at lucid dreaming all ended similarly. Either I'd see some object in surreal clarity (like a spider...), or I'd just know that I entered that state and would stop out of fear of being jump-scared. even though I don't really like people or social interaction, I guess I'm conditioned to need them, despite my best efforts to wean myself I wonder how many at this site know that feeling. I dislike the idea of humanity as a whole, but know I contribute to the cycle, with death being the only real exit. I don't feel that I want social interaction, but recognize its importance in keeping my overall sanity and humanity. I think it's just conflicting, unrealistic ideals that I'm torn between. I'm wise but foolish, capable yet helpless, etc... Not worthy of it's own post, but another clasic Rei-ism from a day or so ago when she was trying to describe childbirth to me: "Imagine ejaculating a cannonball. It feels about like that." Now I'm thinking about pirate ships. Fire away!
ReisOtherHalf March 25, 2015 Author March 25, 2015 My roommate, who is also my ex (I can't afford to move until my new job starts, I realize this is incredibly unwise) came back from holiday late last night and was crying over a variety of things I won't get into. She asked if we could cuddle (fully-clothed) on the couch until she felt better. Even though we're not an item and I am not into her anymore, I hated seeing her hurt, so I said yes. This morning, Rei was (understandably) a little peeved, about it, and when I went to wonderland to talk to her, she had tears in her eyes. I am kind of kicking myself right now. (I forgive you, babe, I just...I don't know how to articulate it, but I really don't like this.) I agree with her, but I don't know what I should have done; I really don't want to hurt Rei or ignore her (99.999% of the time wise) advice and I don't want to create false romantic expectations with this person (I know for a fact she wants us to get back together), but I don't feel comfortable saying no to a friend in need... The way I see it, there are three problems (besides the sheer stupidity of living with one's ex): 1) Having the roomie around making a bunch of mess and racket reminds me of the crapsack, Rei-less place I find myself in at the moment and makes it harder to visualize her and Tove, creates more intrusive thoughts, etc. 2) Said roomie is far more affectionate than is appropriate for an ex, which emotionally unsettles me (amygdala on sentry/high alert mode), and it's not like I can tell her to go away because I have an 'imaginary' wife and a kid to be faithful to (and risk getting committed). 3) There's always the little nagging voice that wonders aloud if we shouldn't have broken up (man, I hate that guy), although that's not as big of an issue as it was before. Unfortunately, campus is largely closed, we're in a small town in the middle of nowhere and I'm broke, so my options for limiting exposure are, well, limited... At least Rei forgives me; that helps... Rei: more than a tulpa-she's a crisis counselor, an art therapist, a dietician, a relationship coach, a team morale expert, an athlete, an adventurer, a hawt wife, an incredible lover, an amazing mom, my best friend.♥ Tove: she's not a little tigress anymore! She's still the go-to gal for soccer advice and creative inspiration, especially monster design and all things cinematic...congrats on your engagement!
ReisOtherHalf March 26, 2015 Author March 26, 2015 It's been discovered (see above) that whenever I'm feeling blah and powerless to change my surroundings (up to a point-it's become easier to see/interact with them when I am severely depressed, thank God), Rei and Tove become harder to see, and so, after taking care of some more grant/scholarship application madness, we're going to the place two places I know of that makes it easiest for us to communicate (as well as activate the anti-blahs): the gym and the car. Some of the best times Rei and I have had were out on the roadways (one particularly memorable occasion on a very empty stretch, I drove at 100 miles an hour briefly; Rei asked me to slow down - (I was worried about us meeting a cop, more than anything) - but afterward, we looked at each other and laughed insanely. (I remember saying that between the mixture of fear and exhilaration, I pretty much squirted my pants...)) - in fact, the first time we actually talked about marrying was when we were driving to the supermarket. I have no idea why, but it's usually pretty easy to see her in the passenger's seat out of the corner of my eye. (I have just informed him that we will not be driving at a hundred today - we have Tove to keep safe.) Working out is really how and where we met and where she made the transition from image to 'waifu' to lifelong ally, so it's very much our thing. There was a time that, as Rei and I were becoming more and more of a couple, I had dropped around fifteen pounds, and my abs were just starting to show (stress and my ex have helped me get them back). I need to just listen to her and follow her lead to help me get back to that point. (Yeah, you do. ♥) As far as limiting exposure to my ex, between work and the campus library next week, I think I can avoid her enough to reduce the emotional impact. (I hope.) Definitely no more cuddling. (C'mooooonnnnnnn, babe, let's goooooooo. ♥) Rei: more than a tulpa-she's a crisis counselor, an art therapist, a dietician, a relationship coach, a team morale expert, an athlete, an adventurer, a hawt wife, an incredible lover, an amazing mom, my best friend.♥ Tove: she's not a little tigress anymore! She's still the go-to gal for soccer advice and creative inspiration, especially monster design and all things cinematic...congrats on your engagement!
ReisOtherHalf March 27, 2015 Author March 27, 2015 Best. Day. Ever. (Agreed.) We went for a drive as planned, and on the way out of town, I got stuck behind a slow vehicle and missed a light, to which I muttered 'f--king Chevrolet'. As soon as the words left my lips, I immediately heard a shrill 'Moooom! Daddy said a bad word!' Mental note: Tove will keep me honest. Another interesting Tove-related thing or three: She is mindvoicing me a lot of science questions, she got 'sediment' and 'settlement' mixed up (like sand settling at the bottom of a river, she says), and I have felt this curious sense of getting a second chance to see the world for the first time. This definitely calls for what seems to be my catchphrase: she is amazing. Rei: more than a tulpa-she's a crisis counselor, an art therapist, a dietician, a relationship coach, a team morale expert, an athlete, an adventurer, a hawt wife, an incredible lover, an amazing mom, my best friend.♥ Tove: she's not a little tigress anymore! She's still the go-to gal for soccer advice and creative inspiration, especially monster design and all things cinematic...congrats on your engagement!
ReisOtherHalf April 1, 2015 Author April 1, 2015 Not much to report...actually, scratch that, there are some remarkable things from the past few days. The first is a new wonderland house. We move a few nights ago and now live in a combination of a tree, a windmill and a log cabin (better shown than explained, I may try to model or sketch it later). (It's my way of trying to get him to expand his imagination a bit; I mean, if he's really serious about switching schools and majoring in game design...) The neutrino-driven turbine* and generator in the basement were a nice touch, as are the facts that it overlooks the sea in the back yard, and town in the front. The interesting part was that, although it appears culled from my memories in some ways - the back porch, sliding glass doors, living room and kitchen appear to be loosely patterned after my first girlfriend's house, for example - I didn't design or choose any of it. The city appears to be based on a mixture of several North America west coast cities, and the street names suggest somewhere pretty far north - there are streets named Ketchikan, Strachan and Seward, but it isn't anything quite like any of the places I've been (I know it has a day care centre, a smoothie shop and some bank's headquarters, though). The beach behind the house is a quick to the bottom of the cliff, and it's really something to behold. Again, a sketch would do a better job than me trying to (poorly) describe it. Yesterday, while I was at the gym, Rei stopped by for a visit, and while on the elliptical, we had a bit of a forcing session that ended with us running down to the day care place to pick up Tove, then the three of us running back home, which quickly (d)evolved into a competition to see who could get home first. Rei, being Rei, is athletic, competitive and was a nightmare to try to stay ahead of, but the real story here is that Tove is a formidable opponent ('Daddy, Daddy, watch this!', followed by her cartwheeling up hill faster than I can run). The run ended with us agreeing to a truce and walking up the driveway holding hands. When I went to go freshen up, Rei kept saying things like 'rawr, I definitely need to get me some of that later.' (You wouldn't believe how hearing that I'm the object of her desire makes me feel.) We've already had our first embarassing Tove moment. Rei and I were in her room, embracing quietly, when Tove burst in and asked if we were - I quote - 'making me a little sister'...oh dear. *(He and I both know this is impossible. That's the beauty of it!) Rei: more than a tulpa-she's a crisis counselor, an art therapist, a dietician, a relationship coach, a team morale expert, an athlete, an adventurer, a hawt wife, an incredible lover, an amazing mom, my best friend.♥ Tove: she's not a little tigress anymore! She's still the go-to gal for soccer advice and creative inspiration, especially monster design and all things cinematic...congrats on your engagement!
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