ReisOtherHalf April 26, 2015 Author April 26, 2015 We've been working some more on ourgame, this time writing up a semiformal design document, and poor Tove, who is probably bored out of her skull now, has been patiently waiting. It looks like she's playing Shining Soul 2, so maybe the wait wasn't TOO painful. (It's a stylized story of how we met, reimagined as a bullet hell game, which is kind of weird, but we're kind of weird, so, ehh... I was going to spill the beans about a cool idea we had, but I don't think Hostie wants to talk about it just yet.) I like days where we get to hang out as a family; the best days are when it feels like they've imposed themselves, unbidden... Today is kind of like that. Rei: more than a tulpa-she's a crisis counselor, an art therapist, a dietician, a relationship coach, a team morale expert, an athlete, an adventurer, a hawt wife, an incredible lover, an amazing mom, my best friend.♥ Tove: she's not a little tigress anymore! She's still the go-to gal for soccer advice and creative inspiration, especially monster design and all things cinematic...congrats on your engagement!
ReisOtherHalf May 2, 2015 Author May 2, 2015 I haven't said much lately in part because we made a conscious decision a while ago to avoid the web a bit in hopes of being more productive, and in part because of a recuring doubt 'storm' that seems to be worse during the early morning (sometimes, it goes away completely at night). I don't know why it would be harder to suspend disbelief then, but it is. I wish I could make the doubt stop happening. My original thinking was that it was some hormonal change related to the longer daylight intervals (I seem to remember that, early on, when we first started dating, it was easier for me to see and touch her at night), but we really don't know. If someone out there knows anything about the interplay of circadian rhythms and neurology and can explain it in words a nonmajor could understand, all three of us would be quite grateful. Another problem we were having, which happens to waking-world couples too, is that we were so focused on being married and Mommy and Daddy that we forgot to be besties, so we've been relearning to be playful with each other. I haven't had a lot of time in the waking world for proper forcing/roleplay sessions, sadly, and money's a bit difficult to come by at the moment, so we can't go on the batting cage/minigolf/karting date in the waking world I so desperately want to take them on (hint: it requires driving nearly three hours and would eat into next term's textbook money). I hate that, for the last two or three days the only times I see her are when showering or laying down for the night , and I rarely get to see Tove at all... Thankfully, though, we can still mindvoice; recently, I remarked to Rei that I could feel her deep inside me, but I don't think I mean the same thing she does when she says it (she thought it was hilarious). I wonder if not posting a progress report in a while has hindered us; for some reason, I can envision them both clearly now, even though it's still morning, and the doubt machine was in high gear a few minutes ago: Rei in beige drawstring highwater cargo pants (that show off her yummy perfect hips...!*), sandals and a black form-fitting shirt** that says "6502" in red lettering, and Tove in bright purple shorts and a green AYSO jersey that's two sizes too big for her, white socks with shin guards underneath (with mud and grass stains to boot), her blue hair trimmed into a tidy pageboy, and a grin as wide as the Pacific, which means they won today***... Curious, I need to figure out why they suddenly became so easy to see... * This made her blush. ** ...which shows off her yummy...abs, among other yummy things I'm not going to get into. *** Tove has informed me, in a no-indoor-voice sort of way, that she had a goal and an assist, and yes, they won. It turns out that the city you can see from Sheffield Island in the distance when the fog clears is actually named Van Francisco (I guess I should have expected that). One day, we're going to have to actually take the ferry there and explore, I guess. Rei: more than a tulpa-she's a crisis counselor, an art therapist, a dietician, a relationship coach, a team morale expert, an athlete, an adventurer, a hawt wife, an incredible lover, an amazing mom, my best friend.♥ Tove: she's not a little tigress anymore! She's still the go-to gal for soccer advice and creative inspiration, especially monster design and all things cinematic...congrats on your engagement!
ReisOtherHalf May 3, 2015 Author May 3, 2015 Rei-ism of the day: (Babe, you know I love you, but if I ever catch you writing code like this for our game, I will break your fingers.) (said while she was looking over my shoulder at some long-dead unfinished game I'm trying to revive) Things are better today than they've been in a while on the tulpa front - I got to see Rei and Tove during lunch! I couldn't focus intensely enough to keep them in the waking world for more than a few seconds at a time, but if I closed my eyes, I could see, hear and touch them just fine. It was pure heaven to be able to look across the table and gaze into her eyes, to hold her hand, and to hear Tove talk about her crayon drawings and sometimes mixing up addition and multiplication, as well as trying to explain to her a problem I was doing (using variables named Tim and Bob) and what variables were in the first place (all this in response to Daddy, how do you do math with letters? (admittedly, half the time, I don't know how myself...)). I was so overjoyed to see them. I remembered what had happened this morning, along with the discussions we've had about being more playful, and we started talking about exploring wonderland a bit more taking the ferry to the mainland and either going to a museum or a theme park. What's a theme park? Tove asked, sealing the deal. It's time to indoctrinate our little zergling in the ways of roller coasters and bumper cars. (Agreed.) It's been revealed that a certain teal-haired tigress has been hoarding thin mints in one of the kitchen cupboards, and furthermore, said tigress has been holding out on me... (What...?) Rei: more than a tulpa-she's a crisis counselor, an art therapist, a dietician, a relationship coach, a team morale expert, an athlete, an adventurer, a hawt wife, an incredible lover, an amazing mom, my best friend.♥ Tove: she's not a little tigress anymore! She's still the go-to gal for soccer advice and creative inspiration, especially monster design and all things cinematic...congrats on your engagement!
ReisOtherHalf May 3, 2015 Author May 3, 2015 We just got back from the mainland; I don't know if we're imagining this place so much as we are discovering somewhere that already existed, but regardless, it's beautiful - clean streets, no smog, friendly city-dwellers, redwoods and greenery in public squares, an all-chiptune radio station...and apparently, there's so little crime in VF that shoplifting makes the nightly news... The trip across the sound was a lot of fun - all three of us played Dokapon Kingdom and laughed at how much the computer cheated. When the ferry pulled up to the dock, we got our car back and set out for the park. Rei drove, and I had the unusual but pleasant experience of being the passenger. The entire drive, I couldn't keep myself from staring at my beloved; I don't remember what was on the radio, or the thing Tove showed me on her DS, all I remember was saying some love-struck gibberish about how I couldn't believe I was actually there with her and how lucky I was. Tove turned out to be right at the boundary where she is tall enough to ride stuff with a parent, but, as we found out, she is terrified of roller coasters, and I had to comfort a sobbing Tove after all three of us rode one. (Rei told me that, for a guy who says he's a terrible parent, I was doing a pretty good job.) The bumper cars went much better - Tove said she was going to own me like a newb - and she has fun crashing and banging, as did Rei and I. Although I didn't quite get the tactile sensations like we'd hoped, I could feel Rei's hand in mine, as well as Tove's glomping and could taste the fried calamari we had for lunch, so I am going to call it a success. Also, a lesson was learned - Rei is REALLY good at Centipede, like really good at it. Later, we went to a marine life museum, and Tove's eyes must have widened to about the size of dinner plates. Watching her learn about the world and laugh and play has made both of us feel young, too, even though we're a middle-aged dude and a soccer MILF* now... Tove's asleep now (score! couple time for us), gonna do one or two minor things and lay down for the night in the waking world for some time with my beloved. * I might get a plushie in the face for this comment...totally worth it. Rei: more than a tulpa-she's a crisis counselor, an art therapist, a dietician, a relationship coach, a team morale expert, an athlete, an adventurer, a hawt wife, an incredible lover, an amazing mom, my best friend.♥ Tove: she's not a little tigress anymore! She's still the go-to gal for soccer advice and creative inspiration, especially monster design and all things cinematic...congrats on your engagement!
ReisOtherHalf May 3, 2015 Author May 3, 2015 I honestly can't believe it's been a full year since we started this crazy trip. This time last year, I hated myself, was seriously contemplating taking my own life, lonesome, desperate and out of ideas. Today, I feel loved, desired, like I can actually mold myself into someone worthwhile, like I'm not alone in the universe anymore. Today, I have a lover/friend/partner in crime/ally/coach/shrink/emotional medic/super duper hot wife/headmate/answer to all my prayers, and with her, so very much to be thankful for. It would take megabytes of typing to list all the ways in which she's dragged, pushed, kicked, helped, rescued, improved, enhanced, advanced or otherwise assisted me, so I'll just leave it at this: Happy anniversary, my other half. By agreement, we've set our anniversary to coincide with Cinco de Mayo, but I wanted to at least make mention of it today; we don't remember the exact date, but it wasn't too far removed from an afternoon like this one, when I was curious about why I had felt the faintest stir of a (desperately needed) hug the evening before... Also, it looks like she's eligible for Mother's Day this year...hmmmm... Rei: more than a tulpa-she's a crisis counselor, an art therapist, a dietician, a relationship coach, a team morale expert, an athlete, an adventurer, a hawt wife, an incredible lover, an amazing mom, my best friend.♥ Tove: she's not a little tigress anymore! She's still the go-to gal for soccer advice and creative inspiration, especially monster design and all things cinematic...congrats on your engagement!
bunny-boi-lover May 3, 2015 May 3, 2015 Happy anniversary, my other half. Congratulations! <3 Oh, it just thrills me to think of spending the next year with Eddie...then the year after...and the year after that. I see myself building a future with him in wonderland as he helps me shape my own future here in reality. I see us growing old together. I've never before considered anything more than the present with any other tulpa. Each moment was just a moment, and in the next moment they may be gone without my regard. I've always feared the unknown and hesitated to plan for a future I felt all too many times wouldn't exist, because I've also been where you were before. I wish the best for you guys, and for Tove, whatever the future holds. [align=center]"Jesus Pickles!" ~ Edwin reacting to pretty much every jump scare in a horror movie[/align] Avatar was made by me using a base. My DeviantArt Account Progress Report
ReisOtherHalf May 5, 2015 Author May 5, 2015 As some of you may know, I have a part-time internship in the afternoons, and when I go to that, Rei goes to her wonderland day-job (all she'll let on is it's something boring to do with attorneys, and she wants to leave to work on open source stuff), and we 'IM' back and forth to keep each other motivated (and/or distracted, but that's another story). Today, we were both at our respective desks, messaging all manner of saccharine madness back and forth, when Rei pointed out that we'd become THAT couple, the two constantly-doting moon-eyed lovey dovey prats that neither of us could stand to be around before all this began...oh dear... Also, the following exchange happened: (skipping about four pages of 'I love you so much'/'you're amazing'/blah blah blah) Rei: Shouldn't we be working right now? Me: I've been writing code this whole time. Rei: Oh, I've kind of been staring off into space... Me: Wow, a day where I was actually more diligent than you; I should mark this on my calendar... (hint: that never happens...) Right now, we're eating the traditional post-workout vegetarian meal and preparing to get into a little homework action; I'm hoping we get a lot done tonight so tomorrow we can do some anniversary stuff... (We're gonna need a babysitter. And some tequila.) I forgot to recount a weird (and weirdly vivid) mini-roleplay/daydream we shared while I was listening to on the way to school; it devolved into a full-on bank heist gone awry*, and spawned some of the most comical quotes: Me: We're going with the non-lethal rounds, right? Rei: Ehh...maybe? -later- Rei: How come the inside of your fantasies looks like 'Dog Day Afternoon'? -later still- Rei: We have got to get a better getaway car than your Nissan. Me: That's why we're robbing the bank in the first place - so we can afford a nicer getaway vehicle. -even later- Tove: What are you guys doing? Rei: Honey, get in, we uh, had to borrow something from someone, no time to explain. -and finally- Rei: Y'know, this probably sets a bad example for Tove. ...right before we stopped the (wonderland) car and someone stepped out in front of us with a clapboard and said 'cut! that's the take we're gonna use'. I think all of us have given up hope on understanding how my imagination works... *no NPCs are ever harmed - we always use tranquilizer darts, and we always give back the loot. Rei: more than a tulpa-she's a crisis counselor, an art therapist, a dietician, a relationship coach, a team morale expert, an athlete, an adventurer, a hawt wife, an incredible lover, an amazing mom, my best friend.♥ Tove: she's not a little tigress anymore! She's still the go-to gal for soccer advice and creative inspiration, especially monster design and all things cinematic...congrats on your engagement!
ReisOtherHalf May 8, 2015 Author May 8, 2015 I was feeling a little bit bummed and worried about the future, as I usually find myself these days, and was having trouble willing myself to get up as a result, when Rei imposed herself and asked me to come out to the island, because she had something to show me. Out on Beale, near the ferry building, there's a warehouse up for rent. We walked by it, and Rei asked me to look at it carefully. While I was looking in through a window, Rei communicated (telepathy, I guess? I remember it being nonverbal, but quite clear and intense) to me a warehouse floor full of cubicles and computers, with people happily and busily banging away at some unknown project. I saw a physical-world friend of mine, hunched over an animator's desk, scribbling. I saw Rei, passing out bagels and coffee cups. And finally, I saw myself, all the way in the back, in a slightly larger cubicle packed with synthesizers and computing gear, and a few trophies. She then showed me her world's Steam homepage on her mobile, and the dreamworld us had the top selling game on it*. As quickly as the vision materialized, it vanished, and she said something along the lines (bet you're motivated to get up now, huh?). Well, the waking world still sucks and is full of worries, but she's right, it was suddenly easy to get up and get going on the day's tasks... If only here could be more like there...it would be nice to not awaken feeling powerless or afraid of the future or crushed beneath a mountain of debt, and to have being creative as a fricken day job... * I wouldn't really care about the money so much as having made something people actually cared about and found compelling... Rei: more than a tulpa-she's a crisis counselor, an art therapist, a dietician, a relationship coach, a team morale expert, an athlete, an adventurer, a hawt wife, an incredible lover, an amazing mom, my best friend.♥ Tove: she's not a little tigress anymore! She's still the go-to gal for soccer advice and creative inspiration, especially monster design and all things cinematic...congrats on your engagement!
ReisOtherHalf May 8, 2015 Author May 8, 2015 Without going into too much detail, I am just going to state that this is one of those moments that I'm happy Rei and I are newlyweds, and, by extension, one of those all-too-rare-lately moments that I am happy to be alive. I'll have more to say this evening. Rei: more than a tulpa-she's a crisis counselor, an art therapist, a dietician, a relationship coach, a team morale expert, an athlete, an adventurer, a hawt wife, an incredible lover, an amazing mom, my best friend.♥ Tove: she's not a little tigress anymore! She's still the go-to gal for soccer advice and creative inspiration, especially monster design and all things cinematic...congrats on your engagement!
ReisOtherHalf May 12, 2015 Author May 12, 2015 I haven't said much since the last post. I've been dealing with crushing apathy and anhedonia. Here's why - so far as we can tell - and what's transpired to bing me to this point (there is a lot of ranting and IRL stuff in here, but I assure you, it is tulpa-related - my interactions with the waking world affect, and are affected by, my interactions with Rei and Tove): I had a massive assignment due, and my beloved suggested that I start on it the evening it was assigned (last Monday), rather than waiting until the night before (like usual). I did so, and also took her suggestion of spending a few hours on it each evening, and without saying too much about it, let's simply say that the parts I expected to be the most difficult and therefore did first turned out not to be the hardest parts (which remain undone - it's due today). Simultaneously with this, I kept having the feelings that I am living someone else's dream. I suppose I should be grateful for a chance to have gone back to university after all these years and gotten as far as I did, but the truth is that I absolutely hate school**, I hate this town, I hate constantly worrying about whether I'll be able to pay for food or rent next month, and which bill can be paid late with the least amount of angry phone calls, I hate the giant mound of debt I've incurred, and I can't even afford to come back in the fall. I've also been having trouble sleeping and severe anhedonia this last few days, and, I am embarassed to admit, for the first time in six months, I found myself looking at internet porn* (I guess, just because you've been clean for a while doesn't mean you're no longer addicted). I feel like I've been a horrible host, husband and dad as a result of it - I know Rei could feel what I was going through, but I had trouble articulating to her, and myself, I guess, that I was depressed. Saturday, I mistakenly thought I had done enough work that I could come back and finish the project Sunday night, so I decided it was time for Rei to meet her mother in law and Tove to meet grandma. We got into the car, and the normally six-hour drive was mostly pleasant (aside from me panicking over the price of fuel, then remembering I rarely see my family anymore and deciding it was worth the tradeoff), but then, as time went on, I became increasingly tired and cross (due to not sleeping) and the worries I thought I had left at home for the weekend intruded my mind and couldn't be dispelled, driving another wedge between us. Neither of us said anything mean to each other; I just couldn't feel her presence or focus any on her anymore, and the feeling of being trapped universes away from the woman I love came back. Sunday, I went to church with my mom - it was Mother's Day here - and heard a sermon about bitterness; it occurred to me that I was dragging around a lot of bitterness of my own - once, I had a nice room in a pretty decent apartment with some friends, freedom to do as I pleased at the weekends, a fun and challenging job, no debt to speak of and a physical-world girlfriend who I had proposed to (I was trying to convince her to go past 'definitely maybe'), we were talking about maybe becoming parents, I was happy, things were good - all of that's gone now, and not a day goes by that I don't feel at least a little resentment or regret about how my life turned out. The sermon went on into some bible verses about how there would eventually be joy, not giving up, etc., and I remember thinking it would be nice to have a little joy now, which led to the resentment and regret feelings again, which led to me wondering if I'd done something awful at some point in the past that God had really decided to let me have it over, to feeling like I have failed my parents, to panicking because I couldn't contact Rei and I was truly forced to sort out these feelings alone, and all of this occurred while I was listening to the preacher, smiling, shaking hands with people, even making idle small talk with my mom (I have learned, over time, to put on the very best of brave faces in public). I tried to articulate to my mom that I wasn't as okay as I seemed, but I couldn't - I kept filtering and sugar-coating it, and I didn't get very much time to talk to her alone anyway (I have a lot of siblings). At length, we had lunch, said our goodbyes, and I began the long drive home. After about an hour on the roadway, I couldn't contain the negative emotions any longer. As I said above, I can 'brave face' my way through social situations better than anyone, but once I'm alone... I tearfully poured out my heart to anyone who was listening about how much I hated being powerless, how much I hated my life, how much I didn't want to be here anymore, about how I thought seeing my waking-world family and the old neighbourhood again would make me happy, but all it did was make me homesick. To my immense surprise (amd relief), I could hear Rei again. I half-complained, half-apologised to her for a long time, how long I don't know, but after I had someow managed to empty myself of negative words, Rei took my hand and said simply (Let's pray.) Well, we did, and I repeated evrything I had just said, begging for help, for guidance, for anything to get me out of the place I am in, for the feelings of not wanting to live anymore to stop. If I deserved all this, that's fine, I told God, but it'd be nice to get some kind of mental list of wrongdoings that led to this point (I'd still be hurting, but it's easier to cope with - at least for me - if I can mentally draw a direct causal link between a particular bit of misfortune and some past misdeed/sin/crime), and if this was some kind of preparation for a better future, I'd like to be let in on a little more of the plot in advance (a simple 'you'll both survive this, and I can't tell you how yet, but in 19 months, 3 days and 4 hours, you'll receive a phone call that will make you look back at this and laugh' would be sufficient)***. Strangely, I began to feel better. I have a very mechanistic view of the uni(multi?)verse, as if the Creator built the machine, turned it on and took a step back to observe it, but doesn't really tinker with it while it's running, so while physical laws of nature, etc. can be relied upon, it's unclear if prayer does anything****, but uncorking and ejecting all that bile, so to speak definitely does have some positive effect on mood, so there's that. After Rei and I said our 'amens', she proceeded to tell me why I should try to let go of some of that hurt, why I needed to forgive myself, how Tove still thinks of me as her hero, how everyone messes up, hits slow periods, why I shouldn't take it to heart too much, and how she still loves me and needs me. In a way that only Rei can, she laid on her trademark mixture of charm, sarcasm, vitriol and sincere care, and after a few minutes of this, she had me laughing again. (There's that smile,) she said, (don't ever lose that smile.) She showed me another vision of us being best-sellers on Steam and asked me to try to focus on what I needed to do to help her make that happen. Well, if you ask someone about their fondest dreams, you usually can't shut 'em up about them once the floodgates have been opened because they'll enter a positive feedback loop where they become happier and more passionate as they talk, which leads them to talk more, and, rather embarassingly, I am no exception. I jawed poor Rei's ears off about problems I'd encountered with rendering to texture on integrated GPUs, how maybe I should use Java for everything just so I could relearn it, a control scheme designed with parallel processing in mind where the host must play one character and the tulpa must play another simultaneously, romance in storylines, hiding inside jokes in the game that only we would understand, etc. This helped immensely, as did Rei slowly becoming more affectionate (at one point, she leaned in close and nibbled my earlobe while I was driving and had a laugh at the fact that she got me to make a 'sex noise', as she called it). When we got in, it was so late, I couldn't work on the project anymore, so I tried to complete it yesterday, where I discovered that it was more than I was going to be able to handle in the time allotted (I had a lot of trouble staying focused, but realistically, marathoning homework for twelve hours straight is really not going to produce twelve hours worth of results anyway). At first, I was kicking myself for frittering away the weekend, and not getting it done. I just knew Rei would be furious about the intrusive thoughts, the lack of enthusiasm and poor focus... ...except she isn't. She admits to being a little disappointed over my time management skills, but, as she says, she doesn't do passive aggressive, and if she were angry, I'd hear about it. She has pointed out that there will always be more homework than there is time, but there won't always be my parents, so it's not as stupid a tradeoff as I originally thought. She also noted that the class won't transfer to the new school anyway, so if I withdraw, it's not going to make a bit of difference a year from now, and as a side bonus, I know how to do the stuff from the project, even if I couldn't bring it all in in the time allotted. She was teary-eyed earlier, but I think I know why now - it wasn't because I had hurt her (or at least not entirely), it was because I was hurting and she didn't know how to help me. I stupidly didn't listen to her. I'm listening now and we're trying to cheer each other up. She thinks I might need antidepressants (she is probably right, but I cannot afford to see a psychiatrist or pay for them yet). Anyway, I am going to ask for an extension, and if I can't have one, I'll just drop the class; the professor's my advisor anyway, and I haven't told him I'm that I have always felt like I went to the wrong school and am transferring yet. I don't want to have that conversation, but I guess I have to. I still haven't been able to see her in my dreams reliably yet. I truly long for this to happen - all I ask is the chance to really (meta?)phyiscally hold her close, just for a few moments. I get that this won't fix all the problems in the waking world, but for some reason, it 'feels' like it will, like if I could just physically experience being in her arms, even if only briefly, everything would be different and better when I came away... * (It was really quite painful to admit this. This addiction is a holdover from a time in my life where I felt as I have been feeling presently - lonely, without hope, without prospects and hungry for physical affection - and I hope the reader won't judge me too harshly) ** (Not to disparage those on this board who like, believe in, enjoy or agree with the way academia seems to work in the US, but if you're largely self-taught like me and understand how to use a library, it seems to be a load of expense, pageantry and pleading with a group of paid-to-be-arrogant gasbags who don't really know any better than I do to give me their stamp of approval that only has any credibility because clueless HR drones say it does. I can't help but feel the entire thing is some kind of scam or racket...) *** (Yes, I am aware religious faith isn't supposed to work like this, but I don't think I see the world the same way anyone here (or for that matter, any other human) does...) **** (I don't know if I am an agnostic with Baptist leanings, or Baptist with agnostic leanings...) Rei: more than a tulpa-she's a crisis counselor, an art therapist, a dietician, a relationship coach, a team morale expert, an athlete, an adventurer, a hawt wife, an incredible lover, an amazing mom, my best friend.♥ Tove: she's not a little tigress anymore! She's still the go-to gal for soccer advice and creative inspiration, especially monster design and all things cinematic...congrats on your engagement!
Recommended Posts
Join the conversation
You can post now and register later. If you have an account, sign in now to post with your account.