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Jay

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You seem to be doing really well with passive forcing. I always had trouble with it, especially at work. I don't know how you do it.

 

I believe any proficiency I currently have in passive forcing is the result of the last six+ months before I started this progress report. It was a very frustrating time, to be honest: both active and passive forcing never felt productive, and despite doing so much of the latter, I realize in hindsight that I rarely truly focused on Yuli, at least not the same way as I am now. That alone has been the catalyst for all of the progress I've made in the last week, most of it involving growth and changes on my end rather than Yuli's.

 

But for passive forcing, I try to create and maintain an image of Yuli - through open-eye visualization - that I can interact with. This image is essentially her, in the same way it would be were I using close-eyed visualization. How successful I am seems to depend on several factors including my concentration and my emotional, physical and mental state. This is just how I perceive it though; once I have that initial image in place, things begin to take care of themselves so long as I maintain at least a minimal amount of conscious focus on my tulpa.

 

Overall, it's a constant work in progress. Some days everything magically falls together. Other days, not so much. :)

 

7/9--

 

And so a much appreciated four-day weekend comes to a close!

 

I've taken a relaxed pace the last four days, fitting in both forcing and plenty of gaming, a nice change from my usual schedule. 7/7 was a strange day in that I didn't interact with Yuli at all, and couldn't seem to focus on her. 7/6 and 7/8 were pretty standard days: watering the garden, walking to the grocery store for milk, drinking plenty of delicious espresso with steamed milk. On average my most productive tulpaforcing time was during the early hours, generally losing concentration as noon approached.

 

Today was pretty great. I was able to stay focused on Yuli during the entire morning. I talked to her while watering the garden and baking scones, and had a very productive forcing session while taking a shower. Yuli especially seems to enjoy the latter; this morning I had lost focus on her for about 30 minutes, but the second I asked if she wanted to take a shower, her image and presence immediately came to me. I was surprised how quickly and strongly she responded to me and I couldn't have enjoyed a more pleasant shower following. This single event practically made my day.

 

During any downtime while I wasn't able to secure an image of Yuli (and thus establish a visible presence) I still tried talking to her with the same amount of concentration and mental imagery, as if she were right next to me. It can be hard to get past the sudden feelings of loneliness, however, and I have to remind myself that I do indeed have a tulpa that needs attention and love, and who currently needs me to make the most of herself. Yeah...

 

While I've much more to learn, I can't deny the substantial progress I've made in the last week. I actually feel like I'm talking to her now, and that our time matters. I know it was just a change in my perception of her and how I focus on her, but damn, I just feel so happy about all of this. Nine days ago, if someone asked me whether I had a tulpa, I'd have said no. :)

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7/10--

 

We've made it to the second page! Let's keep going!

 

Seeing how watering our garden's turned from an every-other day to an every day thing, I'm beginning to find myself with plenty of mental down-time. I spent roughly 45 minutes with Yuli while watering the garden this morning, keeping her within eyesight and talking to her about plans concerning the development of her mental voice. I believe that she's decided on one, but it's too quiet for me to hear or feel. It'll likely be some time before I can hear her clearly - the last time I practiced anything involving mental-voices was over 6 months ago - but I have a general idea how I'll go about it. I could think in different mental-voices until I find one that's similar enough to her's, or I could attempt to add mental-tags to our voices, similar to an IM chat screen. In any case her voice can only grow stronger.

 

This evening was especially hot, which made work miserable and my concentration worse, but I was able to maintain a decent level of concentration on Yuli. Before calling it a day, we gave each other short back-messages, which I think she appreciated having as much as I did. While I haven't worked on sense of touch yet, it helped to reinforce visualizing her form.

 

7/11--

 

Despite working the morning shift today, I wasn't able to visualize or focus on Yuli very well, so I resorted to just narrating to her.

 

At home, I talked with her for 30 minutes, drew a little, and had her join me in picking blackberries. I suggested that she eat an imaginary blackberry at the exact time I ate a real one, in an effort to share the sense of taste, and I believe it worked. At least, she had the same reaction I did when eating sweet and sour berries.


Just some thoughts on Yuli's form. It seems to fluctuate between the form she most recently had and the one I originally based her off of, with a tendency towards the latter. Both have the same features, but differ in height, weight, and some smaller details. I guess I could make a comparison to her current form being on a sliding scale between two extremes.

 

Either way, this has led to some amusing results; once I asked her about her height, which she replied 6'7" - about what I expected based off her original form - then about her weight, 300-something pounds was her response, to which I asked "are you really that heavy?"

 

She responded, "have you seen me?"

 

I'll have to avoid making fat jokes around her, despite how tempting or clever they might be. xD

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7/12--

 

At work I managed to maintain passive forcing with Yuli during the first half of my shift, generally keeping her within eyesight and talking to her. Having just posted on my PR this morning, I was thinking how I might describe Yuli's form when I suddenly felt a strong suggestion along the lines of "You don't decide what my form is and isn't!" Whether this was Yuli or not, I wasn't sure, so I laughed it off and agreed that she was in charge of her form, and that it was wrong for me to make statements about it as though they were fact. I guess if I ever give details on her form, it will begin with a strong "from my perspective." :D

 

The rest of the day was frustrating, to say the least. The strength of Yuli's presence, as well as my focus on her, fell to an all-time low since the beginning of this PR. My mind was completely silent, and any attempts to visualize Yuli were met with emptiness. This type of thing has happened in the past, but it always contrasts so greatly with my own normality that I can't help but feel depressed and lonely. I'm still not sure what causes this, whether it's a type of resting phase on my end or Yuli's; I only know that I'd rather avoid it if possible.

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7/13--

 

Just a small update.

 

My brain seems to be working properly this morning, so I can finally visualize Yuli without too much trouble.

 

Most of the time, when Yuli moves, it feels like I'm guiding her, almost puppeting but not quite. Today she was noticeably resistant to it, so I thought that she might finally want more freedom. I tried using symbolism to show that I was handing over control to her, giving her the keys to her freedom, and I think she was happy to receive it. Hopefully this was a permanent change for the better and not just some random inconsequential moment. I guess we'll see in time.

 

I also drew Yuli's form, which, albeit done in haste, is the best rendition of her that I've done. Still, it goes without saying that it doesn't accurately portray all of her features. For some reason it's always difficult to capture her accurately, whether in proportion or mood of the drawing. I know that there are several mistakes with proportion and perspective, but this is about the best I can do.

 

Finally, just to make things clear, Yuli's design is heavily based off the character of the same name by Lionalliance. In no way do I own that character.

 

tulpa.thumb.jpg.0bfc6c5e27f401e7bb43e73630eac5b5.jpg

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7/14-7/16--

 

Wow, it feels like I've been gone much longer than 4 days! It's been difficult finding the time to post on here, let alone log onto my account. I apologize if this post is hard to read; I sometimes have trouble organizing and connecting all of my thoughts.

 

Our tulpa forcing schedule has been very relaxed the last few days, and I've been spending less time with Yuli than I did around the time I began this PR, but I think that's because we're settling into a nice median between two extremes.

 

The events of 7/13 were only temporary - her strong independence was short lived - but it wasn't entirely without use. I've been treating her with more respect and less obvious guidance; when visualizing and feeling out her form, for example, I keep in mind that what I'm feeling and seeing is what she has decided her form to be.

 

I think it's becoming easier to passively focus on Yuli. One or two times I've been able to at least maintain focus on her presence while playing a video-game, a great accomplishment if you ask me. She seems to be expressing herself more, too. After a shower on 7/16, she leaned close to the mirror and began applying makeup to her lips, eyes and eyelashes. I asked her why she was doing that, and I felt she was doing it for me. She's given me this type of answer before when I asked her if she wanted to do anything, to which she'd reply that whatever I decided was fine. Maybe a time will come when she has her own desires, and we'll find ourselves arguing whose choice is more attractive. :D

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Don't worry. Your PR is still far more organized and connected than mine.

 

But it's good to hear that you're still doing well.

 

It is an accomplishment to stay focused on her while playing a game, at least as far as I'm concerned. The only way I can maintain focus on Fench is if I make her a character and she proxies her actions.

 

Also, I think it's really cool that Yuli is putting on makeup. It's the little things that make a tulpa feel more alive. I was really impressed when CyberD posted that Noah would brush his teeth and get dressed -- up to that point, Fench had never done these things.

"Some things have to be believed to be seen." - Ralph Hodgson

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7/17--

 

A small change of pace today. I didn't have access to my computer most of the day, so that left plenty of time for Yuli and I. I didn't do too much with her directly, but I made sure to help her tag along throughout the day. Work was very busy this afternoon, so I didn't have much opportunity to talk with her. Before going to bed I tried visiting her within wonderland (about the only time I'll do so close-eyed), but I believe she was asleep on the in-wonderland bed, probably the second time I've witnessed her resting. I tried visualizing her form and was able to, but it was static and lifeless.

 

7/18--

 

This morning was fun! I decided to active force with Yuli, while listening to some music, visualizing and feeling her form. I asked her if she had put make-up on this morning or if she was going to, which she replied "no" to both. I asked her if she was applying some just then, and saw an image of her doing so. Asking about it seemed to prompt her to do so.

 

After I we finished with her form I had the idea to let her see my ipod. She picked up an identical imaginary version of it and told me she was listening to a metal song when I asked her. I switched to it myself, and she started singing to it! I'd associated her with metal music in the past, but hadn't thought of it very much until now. Needless to say, the image of Yuli lip-syncing to manly, screaming vocals is hilarious. :D

 

--

 

Overall, Yuli's voice still needs to be developed. I'm pretty sure she has one, since something resembling a voice has come through occasionally when I ask her, but such moments are few and far between. I feel like I should clarify that when I describe her speaking, it's more of a feeling that I receive and translate into words, instead of being directly told.

 

Other things like makeup and odd hair-stylings, while seemingly temporary - such as Yuli's makeup disappearing - can easily be drawn from again in the future. This may just be the nature of such things.

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Also, I think it's really cool that Yuli is putting on makeup. It's the little things that make a tulpa feel more alive. I was really impressed when CyberD posted that Noah would brush his teeth and get dressed -- up to that point, Fench had never done these things.

 

It really does make a difference, especially when you least expect it to happen. It's just something that most take for granted, myself included, so I never ventured to think whether my tulpa would even want to do those things; it just didn't seem like a tulpa would ever need to consider it. There's a large variety of results that can happen as well, even from one simple activity. For example, this morning, soon after posting on my PR, I asked Yuli to try putting on makeup while I shaved. When I was done, I noticed she had only put on lipstick this time. Who knows, maybe next time, she'll decide she doesn't want to put on any. :)

 

And about CyberD's PR, looking at the last page, one of his most recent posts talked about how most of what he and his tulpa do would seem mundane to the average person, despite being so special to himself. I almost feel that way about Yuli and myself; every-day talks, time and life, mundane to any reader, but sprinkled with special defining moments that remind me my tulpa is indeed growing stronger and more unique. It keeps me motivated to continue interacting with Yuli, and removes the odd doubtful panics I have about the validity of her existence.

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Just a quick update while I can post.

 

Yesterday evening while at work, Yuli seemed to have a momentary surge in the strength and loudness of her mind-voice. Trying to take advantage of the moment, I told her to read a random imaginary essay, anything. I believe she was able to talk concurrently with my own thoughts for about 30 seconds. Things returned to normal after that, however. I'll just have to keep talking to her and see if things continue to change.

 

Besides that, I'd imagine makeup is very easy for a tulpa to apply. Wouldn't it just be like applying or removing a mental image? :D

 

tulpa.thumb.jpg.9e8e64b52fbcb5881a3c80f8fed87444.jpg

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7/19--

 

Soon after submitting the above post, I asked Yuli about her lipstick. Apparently she can't just slap the image of it on and off her face, she needs to actually apply it and use a cloth or something else to wipe it off. It occurred to me later that the purpose of such things lie in their process, not their results. Any tulpa could "wear" makeup, but to actually apply it like a real person is what makes it special, to themselves as well as the host. Understanding that, and my gross misrepresentation of Yuli applying her lipstick in the previous image, I apologized, and we carried on with our day.

 

I had an unusual amount of energy this morning, which made it difficult to consistently focus on Yuli. I calmed down after an hour or two, which made things a little easier, but I quickly grew mentally exhausted; work just wasn't the optimal passive-forcing time I was hoping it to be.

 

Things picked up afterwords. On the way home, Yuli changed her hair into a ponytail, and her clothes to a tank top and shorts, both appropriate for the hot weather. We took a shower, which almost always helps solidify my focus on her, and then did a short active-forcing session. We lay down beside each other on my bed and held hands, then I turned on some music and started close-eyed visualizing. I started with her hand that I held, trying to see and feel out each finger, and holding her hand in different ways. Then, going up her arm, I changed my view to third person, looking down directly at her on the bed. From this point I started going over her form, asking her for specific details while filling in some myself. Overall, it felt really good to refresh my memory of her form, and to work together with her to solidify it. The rest of the day we just relaxed.

 

--

 

I think I'm noticing some subtle changes in Yuli's personality. It still feels vague, and is still dependent on my own "vibrancy," at least my perception of it is.

 

I've also noticed that certain actions of hers, like applying makeup or responding with a certain phrase or gesture, can be triggered by thinking of a specific phrase or object. While I'm certain that her response had occurred at one point, the triggering of it seems more like a memory than anything else. Perhaps it's so easy to relive those memories because they surprised me; I certainly wasn't expecting her to lean in front of the mirror to use makeup, or to respond to my question like she did at the end of post #12.

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