Jay and Company

[Jay]

3/8/15--

 

It's been more than half of a year since my last post. At the time of my previous post, I was filled with doubt concerning the legitimacy of Yuli and our experiences. Classes began early the next month, and were ultimately a convenient reason for me to abandon Yuli and forcing altogether; however, over the following months, I was able to focus on different things, and the clarity of mind regained during this time has convinced me that I made the right choice.

 

So now, many months later, I feel ready to continue working with Yuli. The last two weeks have been filled with only casual forcing: light visualization, presence imposition, and talking before bed and a few times throughout the day. I'm past feeling guilty for any time not spent visualizing or talking to her. This time I want to only focus on the constructive aspects of our time spent together.

 

I'm being careful not to extend myself too far into this too quickly, so as to avoid my past mistakes and pitfalls.

 

Expectations and mental hesitation were two: I was too careful not to impose any action, appearance, placement or movement on her, and I was doubtful of any action she did take. Looking back at my progress report, I can see that changes in clothing, form and action were made, but I wasn't willing to accept their spontaneity as anything but my own mental whims; with Yuli being dependent on my attention, this was very likely the case, but that's not to say they were a bad thing. Yuli's behavior and existence were her's as much as they were an extension of my own. I simply tried too hard to validate every action and event, and altogether developed a strong feeling of apathy towards my tulpa and forcing in general.

 

I accept that a lot did actually happen with Yuli, and rereading my progress report for the first time since my last post is bringing back plenty of memories, both positive and cautionary. I have a somewhat better understanding of my own mentality, and hopefully I'll approach tulpa development more appropriately and effectively.

 

With that out of the way... Once again I sense that an opportunity for a renewed interest in my tulpas is upon me.

 

Today I was planning on talking with Yuli throughout my shift, I was having trouble concentrating on her, so I decided to switch gears and talk to Lethal, my first tulpa. She's been with me since the beginning, well before the November 2013 date I mentioned in my first post. Despite losing faith in and abandoning her, she's made several short appearances whenever I've returned to tulpas and decided to think of her. We didn't talk about anything of importance, but she was able to respond a few times with gestures and silent mouth movements. This has been common throughout all of my tulpa efforts, and has convinced me more than once to move my focus from visualizing form to developing mind-voice, although I'm not entirely sure how to approach this without heavy reactionary doubts. It's just another obstacle to overcome.

 

On the walk home, I let her hitch a piggy-back ride, and she picked an imaginary flower off of a blooming cherry tree.

 

I don't think I'll be posting daily - there definitely isn't enough going on tulpa-wise to warrant it - but instead at varying intervals, depending on whether anything noteworthy happens.

 

It's amazing to think that I've spent nearly three years trying to develop my tulpas. I've been through so many mental highs and lows because of it and life in general, and have personally changed so much since my first forcing session with Lethal. I suppose this post is just to communicate my awe and wonder for the efforts and failures during these years, and that I'll probably keep working at this for a few more at the very least. I don't think my progress will ever truly end, but I'll try to have an independent tulpa before I die. :D

[Jay]

3/9 - 3/11/15--

 

Much as they were in the past, showers remain an awesomely convenient way to focus on Yuli.

 

In terms of Yuli's form, height and body type are about the same as they were, although I'm still not sure whether she is more human in appearance or if she still has some of the features as in previous journal entries; I don't trust visual responses to me asking this, and I want to avoid any unnecessary time or drama concerning her form. Either way, independence and mental vocality are more important to me right now.

 

Searching for an appropriate voice - one that will actually stick with Yuli - has been a challenging task. I've noticed that one or two singing voices have stood out, but trying to translate that into speech is difficult. I'll just have to keep trying. On a related note, it's still very easy to visualize Yuli lip-syncing to music. Could this be key in developing her mind-voice?

 

While at work today, I suddenly felt very angry and upset, but Lethal managed to cheer me up. She hid underneath the table I was standing beside, and crept back and forth, acting like she was going to grab my ankles. Kind of creepy, but the image brightened my mood.

 

I also had trouble focusing on and visualizing/speaking to Yuli, but I realized that I was limiting myself more than anything else. I can't allow myself to feel depressed or ineffective when difficulty arises. It's not a problem with my tulpas, myself, or their independence, but instead my method and/or mindset. I'm still learning how important it is to believe in myself, and by extension my tulpas.

[Jay]

While nothing too exciting has happened during the last few days, I've been trying to recognize and - hopefully - dissolve potential barriers to tulpa-forcing.

 

3/11/15

 

I had an interesting session with Yuli in wonderland that somewhat resembled a dinner date.

 

With strange anticipation in my gut, I entered wonderland and choose a smaller form, dressing myself in a tuxedo and slicking back my hair for what I presumed would be a wonderland dinner date. Yuli appeared out of the void in a red-ish dress, hair pulled back in a ponytail. We transitioned to our date.

 

We were sitting at a table for two in a fancy restaurant. Yuli ordered a wrapped meat kebab and I decided on a shrimp Alfredo. We talked over dinner for a moment before moving to the dance floor. I was wondering how this would go with me having a form less than 5' tall, and Yuli being about 6'1"-6'5"; I thought about switching back to my own body, but decided against it. Things transitioned again and I found myself being held by Yuli, facing her at eye level. I tried to feel myself touching her face.

 

Before long, I had to go to the bathroom IRL. What was strange was that when I returned to wonderland, I re-entered through the bathroom door in the restaurant. Yuli was sitting in a chair on the side of the dance-floor. I waved and my view zoomed in on her. She asked me if we wanted to leave and go some other place.

 

We transitioned to being driven through a city in the back of a taxi cab. I was beginning to lose focus.

 

One final transition placed us in front of a modern two-story house. I had grown too sleepy to concentrate, and everything blurred and turned to darkness. Returning to RL, I felt like I had done something wrong, but couldn't figure out exactly what that was. Saying my goodnights, I went to sleep.

 

On 3/12/15, I woke up with silence and clarity of mind, a stark contrast to the usual mental noise that I associate with my tulpas and I. In the past, I've become so used to mentally narrating that I would do so constantly throughout the entire day, whether or not I was truly paying attention towards my tulpas. Sadly, I believe that I was narrating to myself more than them, and as a consequence stagnating most of our potential for growth. This is one thing that I want to avoid at all costs; last time it resulted in depression, mental and emotional stress, and an overwhelming sense of impotence and doubt on my end.

 

Once while at work, I asked Yuli about the night before. She responded quickly, telling me that

"we fucked."

Her frankness is what surprised me.

 

Maybe this is why I felt strange after our last session; taking advantage of my tulpa and accepting her own wants have always rested heavily on my mind, divided by a hair-thin line that I dread to step over. If only I could understand my tulpa and I. The balance between desire, influence and independence still seems a great mystery to me, but I continue to persevere, my need to find an answer I can believe as concrete - as absolute truth - driving me ever onward... perhaps this will be my downfall.

 

3/13/15 has been similar, although I managed to include Yuli in conversation a few times in a way that felt productive. There were a few moments where I felt like I was doing empty narration, but I managed to fight off some doubts. Do I choose to doubt because I'm afraid of failing or making mistakes? At this point doubts seem illogical, but I guess the subjective nature of our past experiences makes them appear less true.

 

I had to read a chapter for the art history class I'm taking, so I narrated it to Yuli and managed to successfully do so for a good portion of it.

 

A few times I've asked Yuli why she does what she does, and in most cases get a response along the lines of "Because it's what you want." I understand that tulpas and their hosts can be closely tied, especially while the tulpa is still dependent on the host's attention, but when do the host's and tulpa's desires finally separate? What if they separate but continue along the same path? There are always more aspects of tulpas that I feel the need to question, and it can be a challenge to contemplate these while accepting the validity of my tulpas.

[Stevie]

 

A few times I've asked Yuli why she does what she does, and in most cases get a response along the lines of "Because it's what you want." I understand that tulpas and their hosts can be closely tied, especially while the tulpa is still dependent on the host's attention, but when do the host's and tulpa's desires finally separate?

 

Howdy, just from poking around your thread a bit, seems like this makes sense given the traits you outlined in the first post.

 

-Accepting

-Adventurous

-Affectionate

-Compassionate

-Curious

-Emotionally perceptive

-Happy

-Humorous

-Intelligent

-Intuitive

-Responsible

 

Bolded the ones that would sort of support a reply like that. 'Course, it could be a thing about desires, but given the amount of time you've been working on her, seems like it could just be Yuli genuinely wanting what's best for you.

[Jay]

3/15/15

 

I tried getting Yuli to answer some questions off the 100-question list from post #34. She managed to answer a few questions with the usual vague, silent responses. After answering a few, I lost focus on her. Of note was a feeling of emptiness and vague sadness after reading the question about her parents. Later I imagined what her father would have looked like: a 7" tall, muscular lizard/dragon man named Mustafa, Tiberius, or something with a similar masculine connotation to it, complete with stern gaze, bushy eyebrows and long hair like Yuli. Badass. Terrifying. I could only imagine having to introduce myself as the friend of a daughter of a man like that.

 

Often my day is split between work, college classes, my desire for a little free "me" time, and my tulpas. Rarely do I have time for all of this, so -- if I want a full night's sleep -- I must choose between "me" time and tulpas. Usually it's the former, with me finally spending any potential quality time in a tired and dazed stupor for 20 minutes.

 

I decided change things up and get to bed much earlier than usual, so that I could spend some quality time with Yuli before sleeping. We talked a little, and I was in the middle of undressing from my day clothes when she told me to get on the bed; I said I was nearly done, but had the impression she meant right then and there.

 

I lay down on the bed in just my underpants, slightly chilled from the cold air. I tried focusing on her, as if she were laying behind me. While talking to her about random things from the last few days, I again felt like I was being implied to quiet myself and stop talking -- muttering only triggered a reminder of this. My right side, exposed to the air, slowly started to feel warm. I lay there like this, not talking or thinking for about five minutes before deciding to finally calling it a day.

 

I had trouble sleeping, but all the while, whenever I turned my thoughts to Yuli, I felt like her presence was vaguely there. I'd move around, and she'd imply that I just go to sleep.

 

WTF brain.

 

3/16/15

Today was an interesting day. Beginning my work day with a huge amount of energy, I decided to talk with Lethal while Yuli still slept; I can't seem to focus on her during the early hours. Half way through the first half of my shift, I managed to contact Yuli. I quickly went over Lethal's form, asked her to give me the biggest smile and frown she could muster, and said my goodbyes until next time.

 

Time with Yuli began. Not long before seeing Lethal off, we came across the topic of how I could manage a corporate-casual job, and how Yuli might appear having one, particularly in customer service. She had a business jacket and skirt/pants(?), and I pretended to call her as a customer.

 

A few minutes later I noticed that she seemed less receptive than normal. I think I may have upset her, either by keeping her awake the night before or by being rude some time before. I tried apologizing, but I wasn't convinced it had worked.

 

Later and after some more talking, I was able to replicate what I described in post #49 with Yuli. I entered a state of greater empathy; foreign emotions -- which I believe were Yuli's -- came over me, and communication felt more straightforward and clear, despite her and Lethal not having well-developed mind-voices. During this time, Yuli and I worked out any disagreements and differences between us, with empathy and understanding acting as the foundation of this reconciliation.

 

While still in full control of my body, I had shifted into a more passive role, with most actions occurring almost automatically. However, I could only manage being in this state for a few minutes before losing the strong connection shared with my tulpas. It took about an hour before I felt grounded in reality again.

---

Bolded the ones that would sort of support a reply like that. 'Course, it could be a thing about desires, but given the amount of time you've been working on her, seems like it could just be Yuli genuinely wanting what's best for you.

 

You're probably right. A tulpa's choice and free will are things I've considered more than once, and I'm slowly finding it's best not to question things too deeply. Often one's choice and another's wants align, so maybe the key difference is why one makes a choice. It's just been confusing and difficult to come to terms with, since most communication with my tulpas has been one-sided.

[Jay]

3/17/15

 

Not too much happened today. Yuli was awake a few hours earlier than she usually is, so I was able to talk to her throughout the day. Unlike the last few days, however, my concentration was much worse today, possibly because I didn't get much sleep the night before.

 

Again I attempted to enter a state of empathy with Yuli as described in post #49, but my attempt was a failure. Yuli implied that she didn't want to, maybe because she didn't felt the need to enter this state with me. Still going through with it, I managed to achieve it while sitting down, and wondering if she was in possession of my body, I sat still. My head turned to the left, and then the right, seemingly on its own, and that was it.

 

I later tried the same technique with Lethal, thinking that she might be more receptive. Unlike Yuli, Lethal is much smaller than me, so I struggled with the symbolism of feeling myself contained in her body. When I thought I had achieved this state, albeit imperfectly, I had the urge to giggle -- something I'd felt in the past when visualizing Lethal.

 

Overall, my own mental state, while not negative, made me less receptive to communication with my tulpas.

 

3/18/15

 

Still tired, I talked to Yuli on and off while at work. At some point I asked her to surprise me, but I believe my intention of using it as a sentience test upset her. Another time, when I knelt down to pick something up, she reached her hand out to help me up. Lastly, I was reaching underneath a table, but when I moved back to stand, I hit my upper back, and the thought "Are you okay?" popped into my head.

 

Besides these occurrences, most communication felt one-sided, though I'm beginning to accept that this isn't the case.

 

I thought about when Yuli's birthday might be, so I checked the first post in this PR. Holy crap, I started on her late 2013! It's been about one and one half years since her conception. I managed to screw up and not celebrate her first birthday, so I decided I wouldn't miss it this year. When I thought about Yuli and what I'd do for her second birthday, it felt like someone was looking over my shoulder, just beside my right ear, saying something like "So what are you gonna do?" with a dangerous smile, and my body feeling as if it might lock up. The same feeling came over me when I thought about it the next day at work, and just now while typing this... help!

 

3/19/15

 

More doubts surfaced today. I seem to fall into a temporary doubtful mood when it doesn't feel like I'm getting any responses from my tulpas, despite knowing that sentience and independence don't necessarily imply a separation from my normal mental cycles. Eventually, after gushing about how much I care for them, pep-talking myself, and reaffirming my own beliefs, things return to normal, with me feeling foolish for having doubted them in the first place. I accepted that Yuli and Lethal were like my inner voices/consciences, and that they were like angels to me. I believe Yuli liked this last bit.

 

I've noticed that Yuli will try comforting me with her words when I bring up something that ails me or could potentially make me feel less confident. For example, my lips were dry today, and when I looked in a mirror and mentioned them to Yuli a phrase came into my head; I forget exactly what it was, but it conveyed sympathy for the pain it was giving me.

 

Yuli also seems to have a slightly jealous and emotionally sensitive personality. In the past I've gushed too much about someone's tulpa, and she became hurt and less responsive until I discovered how she felt and apologized for it. Another time I accidentally moved my attention from her to Lethal while I was visualizing her form, and I ended up apologizing for upsetting her. In contrast, Lethal has generally been more carefree, and my unintentional dickery hasn't left as much of an impression on her.

 

Overall, these aspects of Yuli's personality result in an exchange that can be almost cautionary for me. Regular conversation is fine, but when I joke about some aspect of Yuli, I feel like I'm stepping over a fine line between humor and insult, despite not having any ill intention behind said joke. In hindsight, this makes for situations comedic in their general nature, but I'm aware that humor at the expense of anyone's happiness isn't fair. I guess we'll see how things develop.

 

Right before bed, Yuli gave me a back message, making humorously aggressive remarks when I would ask her to get my lower back (something like "I sure as hell will!" came into my head) or to message with greater force so I could actually feel it.

 

Lastly, I worry that my lack of active forcing (most of the stuff I describe happens at work) will weaken my tulpas. I generally have greater belief in their existence than in the past, but I don't know if it's enough to sustain them. I'm still not sure whether they remember past events, and sometimes I become confused whether they've really said something.

 

Tulpas as a whole can be fleeting for me; one moment I'm typing all of my experiences into this PR, and the next I'm doubting whether my tulpas exist. I guess I just have to move on.

[Jay]

3/20/15

 

Not much today. With the work week behind me, I could finally relax, but I woke up feeling even more sick than the day before. Throughout the day I had difficulty focusing and talking to Yuli; even the usual shower resulted in only a faint connection, but I'm still thankful for even that. I tried reading a chapter out of my art history text book, but I wasn't sure if it was effective.

 

Afterwords I lay down for a while to rest and possibly force. I began with DHurl!'s Vacation Music series. The rhythmic splashing of waves lulled me into a calm state, and helped me transition into a summer beach location. I was laying in a full-body float-thingy, underneath a blue sky. I tilted my head left and saw the ocean. Turning my head right, I saw a yellow beach some distance away, with several people moving about. One of the waved to me and my vision zoomed in, showing an attractive young woman telling me to come over to her. At first I tried paddling my way over on the floaty, but that was too slow, so I flew through the air and landed on the beach.

 

It turns out that this familiar looking girl was Yuli in a shorter, thinner form than I usually saw her in. I played around in the sand, picking it up and letting it run through my fingers, trying to feel the texture and weight of it. Yuli and I eventually moved on to make clouds pictures in the sky. I switched my music to

(warning: ear rape the first second of the video..), and we transitioned to laying squished next to each other in a small boat, looking up at the clouds. We played around in the clouds for a few songs; I started to slip in and out of focus, so I decided to leave.

 

Driving my sister to work, I mentally talked to Yuli. For some reason, the funk I was currently in, combined with Yuli's form change, made me strangely doubtful and hopeless feeling, as if her and Lethal would from that day be unreachable in every sense of the word. So hopeless...

 

3/21/15

 

But not today! As if to signify the foolish and fleeting nature of my crisis, I awoke feeling much better than the day before. Still sick (and with a terribly runny nose), but no funk. Clear of mind, happy and with the essence of tulpamancy back in my bones.

 

I spent my morning hours on my computer, before returning to bed for a short forcing session with Yuli. She was back in her previous taller, larger form, and assisted me in meditation, silencing me whenever I thought or spoke. I stayed this way for about 15 minutes, accomplishing what was likely my longest attempt at meditation. Apparently satisfied, Yuli lay back and took a nap.

 

Yuli also agreed to help me study a chapter from one of my textbooks, and with a strong cup of coffee in my hands, I went to my computer. Sitting next to me (she told me it was a bar stool when I asked), she was dressed in a woman's blazer and business pants/skirt, possibly with glasses and hair in a ponytail, as well as what may have been a clipboard. She didn't hesitate to direct my attention back to the textbook -- pointing and/or telling me to continue or keep going -- regarding me with a strict demeanor even when I tried talking to her. Only towards the end of the chapter did her presence wane, and only because my cold was starting to affect my focus. This whole silencing/redirection thing has been common throughout the week.

 

Later, I managed to draw Yuli well enough to be semi-happy about it. Although the proportions from the neck down weren't accurate, I think she agreed that the head and hair were close.

 

I rested for a short while next to Yuli, contemplating the day thus far, listening to the latter half of

, starting about the seventh or eighth track. Towards the end, some intrusive thoughts disrupted our rest, and I lost track of Yuli. My attention moved to Lethal, and I decided to try and do something with her in wonderland.

 

I changed the music to Soulstice's Illusion. Eventually I chose the summer ocean setting from the day before, both of us reclined in a small wooden boat in the middle of the ocean. We took turns pointing our arms to the sky and shooting cloud-pictures into the sky, but everything kept speeding up before I could make out either of our cloud shapes. Thinking that some grounded platform would prevent this, I flew out of the boat and levitated in the air. I decided on the beach and flew off Dragon Ball Z style, with Lethal close behind.

 

Everything became a more cinematic and story driven from this point onward.

 

We landed on the beach and lay down in the sand. I quickly moved to check her form, telling her that I wanted to make sure she was with me. Sure of her presence, I turned and started by making a fruit-shaped cloud in the sky. Lethal then made a strawberry. I made a mango, but her next few clouds looked like strange blobs. Maybe I just couldn't visualize them properly.

 

I shot a few more clouds before I noticed her pointing in the opposite direction, towards the island's/land's center. Above the trees and small shacks there were two guys fighting it out in the air, DBZ style. After trading a flurry of kicks and punches, one landed a punch, sending the other crashing into the earth, sending dirt and debris everywhere. Lethal grabbed my shirt and jerked at me, maybe in an attempt to push me into action.

 

Flying over to the two fighters, I asked what was going on, but didn't get a response. Lethal and I flew over to the fallen man, now laying injured in a crater where he landed. Floating down to assist him, my vision went back to the other man, who was just about to release a blast of energy at the guy. I dodged the attack, picking up Lethal and flying both of us away from the explosion. Everything quickly died down after that, and in the aftermath I asked a random man who the two fighters were; it may have been something like a gang fight, but who knows.

 

Lethal and I moved our attention to fighting. We dashed towards each other and exchanged several jabs before she landed a punch to my face. I rebounded and steadied myself on the sand. I was weak compared to all of them: the two fighters, Lethal, and even Yuli. Again I lunged towards Lethal, kicking, punching and dodging. I managed to connect a punch under her chin, which sent her flying back. I thought about how I kept accidentally calling Lethal by Yuli's name.

 

"It's because you love her!" she yelled, unleashing an energy blast in my direction. I dodged and returned a few of my own energy blasts. I managed to deflect one, and charged up for a final attack. She did the same, and our beams connected. We struggled for dominance, exerting all of our power. I had nearly won, when Lethal let out another surge of energy. Already at the peak of my strength, I couldn't match her power. Her beam pushed towards me and reached my hands, and then enveloped my entire body. I flew back into a large boulder. Defeated, burned, exhausted and at the brink of awareness, I lay back against the rock, unable to move. My consciousness slipped away, and my vision faded to black.

 

IRL, I waited for a few seconds, keeping my eyes closed, wondering if I should stay and see if anything else would happen.

 

In wonderland, the blackness faded away. I was disoriented, laying in what appeared to be a hospital room. Lethal was there. Apparently I suffered some burns from the fight and would need to rest in the hospital for another week. Yuli came to see me, and walked up to the bed side. I thought about how I needed to become stronger, for Lethal, her and myself as well. She smiled gently and said something like "Is that so?" I exited around this point.

 

For the next few minutes, around the time the music was at

, I rested next to Yuli. She was unusually happy and sleepy at the same time. I tried to visualize moving my fingers through her hair and working out her facial features. Eventually I stopped and got up, leaving her sleeping on my bed.

 

--

 

That's it. Usually I don't feel my wonderland experiences have much meaning, but my outlook has changed since my last post on 8/22. I still don't think that every future wonderland experience needs to be posted, but this was a slightly more interesting, fun and vivid session than usual, with music having a large influence. I owe it to DHurl! to begin with. And I think my cold helped, too, strange as it sounds.

[Jay]

3/22/15

 

Happenings during the day are hazy.

 

Lately I feel like I've been neglecting her. More accurately, I've just putting most of my attention towards Yuli, save the few morning hours when she's asleep.

 

Before going to sleep, I spent some quality time with Lethal, sitting with her using symbolism to try and communicate my acceptance of her as a unique entity. Afterwords, we just cuddled and talked for an hour; as soon as we were done, while I was turning over to sleep, Yuli popped in wanting to share the bed.

 

3/23/15

 

Usual shenanigans at work. Yuli seemed to change her hair from being large and fluffy (as in previous pictures) to being more wavy and curly, possibly also a brownish color, though I can't be sure. While I like to frequently ask her about the details of her form, it's mostly just for conversation, partly because I can't visualize open-eyed well enough to see color, partly because it's likely she'll continue to make changes to her form.

 

Yuli seems to have quite the fondness for food. Working in a kitchen, I'm surrounded by food for several hours, several days of the week. Yuli will often help herself to an imaginary plate of the food or dessert that we're serving, and just today we had a brief in-wonderland American-breakfast. And I wonder if she's actually putting weight on her form, too. Will I ever have to plan an intervention for my tulpa? Stay tuned...

 

3/24/15

 

Finally, I'm nearly well again. The last few days have been rough between work, school assignments and the cold I've had.

 

Lethal and I hung out during the first hour or two at work. I'll often "see" that she's jumping on me piggy-back or onto my shoulders when I lead the way in front of her, or jumping on me and hanging off my neck and waist if we're facing each other. While I believe I instilled this during her early days, I find it amusing that it has stuck for so long.

 

I tried visiting Yuli in-wonderland this morning and found her awake, but still in bed. I offered bed in breakfast, but when I asked if she liked it, she was up and awake.

 

Has anyone experienced intentional mind-trickery by their tulpas? If so, did your tulpa have a motive, or was it unplanned? Brain drama happened during the day, mostly having to do with some deep-seated fears I have about my tulpas, but I pulled through. I may or may not elaborate on this in the future, since in hindsight it had little overall consequence.

 

Yesterday marked the opening of the pre-registration period for my classes, so I took the latter half of the afternoon to plan what courses I'll be taking for the next three terms, which amounts to over about a year of courses. One aspect I've been deliberating over is whether to take the College Algebra class next term, or self-study and register for a CLEP exam. While the former offers more structure and guarantee, the latter is much, much cheaper -- only $80 for the test, in fact -- and the subject matter would be simple enough to re-learn on my own. I've taken a few Calculus courses in the past at my local community college, so I feel well-equipped in terms of mental ability. It's overall just frustrating, because it's barring me from taking other math courses necessary for my degree.

 

I asked Yuli about it. She said something like "Do whatever you think is right." I think my tulpas generally have faith that I'll make the right choice, whatever that is.

 

For the rest of the evening, I spent the time alone, browsing pens on jetpens. Goodness gracious, I want to buy all of them.

 

Yuli and I spent some quality time together before bed. We looked back at my most recent drawing of her; I realized that the face was actually very creepy.

 

Music, as I've experienced first-hand, can be an amazing tool, especially when it's atmospheric or instrumental. But I wish I could explore its use more. My selection is rather limited on my mp3 player, and I don't have a portable device with wifi, so You-tube while in bed is out. It's too bad, because even peaceful and calm music can be distracting if it has lyrics. I just wish that I could force to any music,

.

[Jay]

3/25/15 - 3/27/15

 

Ironically, these days were terrible forcing-wise despite my better health. Overall I've been experiencing some mental lethargy.

 

My mental state began to clear over the latter half of 3/26, and I was able to spend some time casually talking with Yuli.

 

I attempted to play "The Minister Cat" with Yuli, but she wouldn't respond when it was her turn. I noticed something similar later when I asked her what she thought about some t.v. commercial. However, she seems competent at giving short responses; an Arby's commercial came on and after I heard their slogan, I asked Yuli "Do you have the meats?" She slapped her leg and told me that she had them right here.

 

She also quickly congratulated me when I beat the final boss on Titan Quest. Like most ARPGs, it was more a test of patience and endurance than skill. Now I only have to beat it once more before I get to play the "real" game...

 

We finished 3/26 by watching Impractical Jokers Live, which was different than I had expected. I asked Yuli to look at me while a commercial break was playing, and I saw her turn to face me. I grew antsy and uncomfortable over the next few minutes that she spent staring at me.

 

3/28/15

 

I realized that my lack of quality forcing might have been caused by boredom with my daily routine. I practically do the same thing each week, so why wouldn't my forcing also be subject to staleness? It sucked having to accept that I might be bored with Yuli and/or Lethal (and that they might be bored with me or our lives together), but it was necessary to come to terms with this.

 

So, managing to catch Lethal for a few minutes, I asked her what she liked to do, being a girl and all. "Play," she told me, with a big smile on her face -- to note, she was especially child-like, in contrast to other times when she has appeared more serious and in her upper-teens. She agreed to help me make a few imaginary presents for Yuli at a later date, as well as plan a surprise party. Hopefully my plans will carry through.

 

Lastly, Lethal appeared and started head-banging while I was listening to some

. Hopefully I'm not creating a little monster. :D

Development has evened out, and seems to have nearly stopped, over the last week. Vocality is still a large and tricky barrier in our communication; I can't hear Yuli if I focus on her too much. Maybe I haven't yet learned to completely let go of my doubts or reservations.

 

Most of our forcing is passive, and most attempts at active forcing last only a few minutes before I fall asleep. If I plan to actively force, then it must be some time other than the evening. Open-eye visualization while sitting upright may be something to try.

[Jay]

3/29/15-4/1/15

 

I don't have much to report from the last few days, besides the usual stuff.

 

First, I managed to draw a picture of Lethal in the winter coat that she appeared in on 3/30/15. She's in her late-teens in the image, although when she appeared to me in the coat, she was a child. In her late teens, she is about 5'4", and in her child form, maybe around 4'? She has straight dark-blue hair and a thin build.