Jay and Company

[sushi]

Fede was also pretty big here, until he got himself banned. Repeatedly. Like a hundred times or something. There was some serious drama going on here back in the old days.

 

But yeah, I usually skip over those questions.

[Jay]

8/2--

 

Managed to passive force decently during work. I find myself moving towards visualizing her in-wonderland rather than irl during most of my shift, mixing in imposition when it's appropriate; it offers more flexibility in my work environment, since I can move around a lot and still see her.

 

At home we worked on her form while I laid down for 30 minutes; some days it's almost necessary I do so, lest I feel exhausted the rest of the afternoon, so fitting in visualization and communication seems the most efficient use of that time.

 

Before sleeping I visited our wonderland. Things weren't very coherent this time, since I was so tired, but there came a point when I saw Yuli and myself from a 3D, isometric perspective, similar to an ARPG; I experienced something like this not too long ago, which inspired me to try having Yuli speak in text. Anyway, I zoomed in and said something to Yuli before she ran off in some direction and out of my view. Lastly the name of a previous tulpa of mine came to mind along with a little character icon and 3D model of her within my view. It was a short and strange experience.

 

8/3--

 

I decided that we'd just relax today and do what came naturally for us in terms of forcing. I braided her hair, visualized her while showering and talked to her while I did some things around the house. At one point I was putting away some laundry when I asked her about one of my shirts, which she decided to wear for the rest of the day; another moment I accidentally undid the braid, but she assured me that it was alright.

 

I asked her a few questions from the list I've posted recently. She responded to questions that could be answered in one or two words, but didn't to others that were more complex or didn't apply to her. When I came across the question "How would you describe your childhood in general?" I felt sadness; maybe I felt sorry for her and didn't realize it, maybe she wishes she had those memories. Either way, I tried explaining to her what my childhood was like, and what one generally entailed.

 

Overall, progress has been slow the last few days, and I've been in a neutral mood. Maybe Yuli and I need to try something new.

[Jay]

8/4--

 

Yuli was quiet this morning. Something felt strange, so I entered wonderland and reassured her that everything would be alright. In hindsight I'm not entirely sure what was wrong; it may have been a combination of things that made Yuli feel anxious. Afterwords things returned to normal with both of us mentally refreshed and motivated. I sensed a change in her form when I tried imagining it, but Yuli told me that it was nearly the same as the last drawing I posted.

 

Later I visited her in wonderland. I was making tea for us both, asking her what flavor she wanted while she sat on the bed. Handing over her ginger tea, I sat next to her and we pondered what we should do before I drifted to sleep.

 

Deciding on tic-tac-toe, I materialized a small table with a large square paper on top. We played a few games, Yuli winning once or twice and myself none, before moving on to Connect-4. I may have fallen asleep a few games in.

 

8/5--

 

There isn't much to report today. Yuli gave me a laugh when I found out she was wearing outer and undergarments. For a few days she'd either wear a single piece or nothing at all. I didn't pay too much attention to her the rest of the day.

 

My wonderland visit didn't go too well. This time I imagined myself sitting in a river, letting unnecessary attachments float away and eventually letting myself float down the river.

 

Once inside our wonderland house, I found Yuli laying on our bed, facing the wall. I think she gestured for me to come near. I apologized for being so neglectful, and then talked to her for a minute or two until I grew too tired to concentrate.

 

--

 

I'm still experiencing highs and lows in my ability to perceive Yuli, which in turn affects my faith; I'm left with no way of sensing my tulpa until my mental/emotional and physical state synchronize again. It's not like I'm going to give up on her, it's just annoying when this happens.

 

Maybe I can learn to better control how I feel. My focus on Yuli is greatest in the morning hours and my choice during that time can affect how well I can concentrate on her the rest of the day, but a lot is still left up to chance and whim. If my body suddenly feels crappy, then my mood and emotional state reflect that and it becomes difficult to tell whether it's one or both of those things. Other times I'll just be in a low mood, which while easy to identify, still disrupts my focus. Either way, it makes visualizing/imagining and communicating with Yuli harder than it needs to be.

 

Hopefully things will even out as my skills and Yuli's independence/personality grow stronger.

[Jay]

8/6--

 

Starting today I decided to reduce my caffeine intake. Yuli agreed to help, refusing any of my attempts at bargaining or rationalizing having more than one cup a day.

 

I wasn't able to accomplish any open or close-eyed forcing this afternoon because of how tired I was.

 

8/7--

 

For the last week I've been growing weary of my current situation with Yuli. Her presence hasn't been as strong lately, and my attempts at forcing with her have been less fruitful. I'm blaming all of this on myself; I feel like I'm getting mentally lazy and confused, taking her existence for granted and ultimately thinking of her as less than a person.

 

I believe another reason is that I'm passively restricting/masking her actions because I wouldn't consider it "normal." Often I'll read other PRs on this forum and notice how lively and strange other tulpas are, and I'll think it odd that I've rarely witnessed Yuli doing those things. Maybe she just doesn't want to, or maybe it's because, if she did, it wouldn't agree with my own beliefs/paradigms. I don't know.

 

I'm still not sure why certain things worry me so much, why I always have to confirm with Yuli whether it's really her I'm talking to or some temporary mental copy I've created, or why I question whether her behavior is "normal" when not in wonderland. I'm just digging my own grave.

 

 

Anyway, rant aside, today marks my second day of reduced caffeine intake. Though it's only been one day, I've noticed I feel happier and more balanced in both mind and body. Hopefully things will continue to improve.

 

I spent about 30 minutes with Yuli, visualizing and mentally feeling out her form and talking to her. She decided to wear a t-shirt and shorts today, my only prompt was asking her whether she was wearing anything today. I talked to her while watering the garden, but for the next few hours I didn't really focus on her. There always seems to come a point, around 9 AM or so, when either Yuli's presence or my concentration wanes.

 

At work I was starting to feel desperate, so I tried including Hope the Egg again, like I did at the beginning of this PR. It seemed to improve my visualization of Yuli, who's image grew more clear while she interacted with Hope. I guess it still has use as a means to improve focus and visualization. Before sleeping, I entered wonderland and said goodnight to Yuli, who was already fast asleep.

[Jay]

8/8--

 

I spent about 20 minutes talking to and visualizing Yuli before watering the garden. I was talking to her about how I've had trouble concentrating on her, and asked if it was a problem with myself, to which I felt a "yes." Learning that it was a problem on my end gave me a certain comfort because it meant I could address it directly, and that it wasn't because Yuli was upset or weak.

 

The rest of the day was uneventful, with Yuli tagging along as I bought groceries, cooked or browsed the internet. I made a quick sketch of her, to which she gave me a thumbs-up of approval. Overall it was a much better day than the last few, mostly because I was able to visualize and think of her clearly.

 

8/9--

 

My mind was very erratic today, which made it very hard to concentrate on any one thing for very long. I went out for an hour or two and brought Yuli with me, who seemed to be faint and in a very suggestive mood.

 

I left the house again for an hour this evening, and for some reason I imagined myself carrying Yuli around because of how tired I thought she might be. The unusual situation seemed to help me focus on her for a few minutes until I got home. Before going to sleep I visited our wonderland and made another clothing outfit and letter for her, since she wasn't currently present.

 

--

 

Sometimes I feel like my lack of active forcing is at least partially responsible for Yuli's faintness. Since most of our interaction has been done passively outside of visualizing her form, her presence may be more reliant on my own mental state. I've tried asking her about this a few times, and I get the feeling that she's present and listening even when I can't perceive or sense her. The times that I can are when my focus and perception align. Who knows?

 

Anyways, it's been over a month since I began this PR. I should think of some way we could celebrate.

[sushi]

Lots of people don't manage to stick with it for a month. It used to make me sad, looking through the posts I'd made under my old account. I'd post in a lot of new PRs, and the people would just never come back after a post or two. Sometimes they turn up again six months later, but a lot of the time, they're never heard from again.

 

You've done well sticking with it this long, and doing so much with Yuli. I think the tulpa's presence being reliant on the host's mental state is pretty common, at least at first. Once she's developed more independence, it won't be so much of a problem. But these things take time.

[Jay]

Lots of people don't manage to stick with it for a month. It used to make me sad, looking through the posts I'd made under my old account. I'd post in a lot of new PRs, and the people would just never come back after a post or two. Sometimes they turn up again six months later, but a lot of the time, they're never heard from again.

 

You've done well sticking with it this long, and doing so much with Yuli. I think the tulpa's presence being reliant on the host's mental state is pretty common, at least at first. Once she's developed more independence, it won't be so much of a problem. But these things take time.

 

Thanks! Honestly, it's been getting harder to stay motivated - in part because the whole "newness" factor has long since worn off - but when the only other option besides growth is allowing Yuli to fade out of memory, I feel like I have no choice but to continue. Not that it has to be time spent begrudgingly, because I really do love those times when everything seems to click, it's just that now any progress we make is entirely up to us. I suppose that I feel like I'm lacking direction.

 

Yuli's general aura/personality is gradually developing and other things are becoming routine, so a lot of my own doubts and fears that I've managed to ignore thus far are beginning to surface. It's become much more of a personal learning experience lately, with new problems surfacing and myself finding the willpower and motivation to move past them, but over time I think I'll discover what having a tulpa means to me.

[Jay]

8/10--

 

Yuli and I celebrated our one-month milestone today by spending as much time forcing as possible. I was able to fit in about three periods of forcing, focusing on visualization of her form and generally talking to her. In wonderland I even made a cake for her, but I grew tired and lost focus at one point.

 

Towards noon I was feeling frustrated at her lack of mind-voice and our inability to fluently communicate with each other. There wasn't any hostility, mostly venting. It can be tiring to be constantly talking to Yuli, with her only able to give silent responses and gestures, not that I blame her, it's just that communication feels incomplete. If I throw random thoughts and questions at her, the responses I get will feel like my own, as well as being mixed with both yes/no responses being given to the same questions. Things become much more consistent when I pair questions with Yuli's image.

 

I think I was getting on her nerves, too. It felt like I was responding to myself, but the responses were somewhat louder. Questions like "What if I don't believe in you?" were responded with answers like "Then don't," both in my mind voice, but obviously conversation-like. Eventually we came to the topic of her mind-voice. I asked her what she wanted her voice to be, and felt an answer like "Anna Houston." As ridiculous as it may sound, I googled the name to find it was the name of an actor. There was a You-tube video of an interview with her, and upon hearing her voice, Yuli's mind-voice responses suddenly became flavored with the same accent. For the rest of the day, responses seemed to flow more readily to me. Maybe everything put me in the right state-of-mind.

 

8/11--

 

Yuli's flavored mind-voice was still present, though somewhat weaker than yesterday. When we got home, I visualized her form for 40 minutes, again asking her about certain aspects of her form. She showed some modesty during our session, covering her chest and crotch; she's done this randomly two or three times since the start of this PR. Anyway, respecting her boundaries, we went over her entire form. Currently her feet are giving me the most trouble, mostly because I'm not sure how they look. They seem to be between animal and human-like, which makes visualizing them difficult. From what I understand, her form is a combination of two drawings I've done of her.

 

I didn't talk to her for most of the afternoon, but there wasn't the usual eerie quiet that often comes with it. I was probably mentally tired, and I believe Yuli may have been, too, because at one point I had to rouse her. I felt a "Yes" when I asked her whether she was sleeping/tired.

 

Her mind-voice has weakened since yesterday, maybe because the urgency of the situation has passed. Perhaps I'm finally moving in the right direction in terms of her mind-voice, and hopefully this wasn't just a temporary burst in activity. I guess I'll find out.

[Jay]

8/12-8/14

 

Yuli's mind-voice has returned to silence since 8/10. While the events of that day may have shown what potential she has, I believe it was still too soon for her. Mentally, things have been very quiet the last few days, and while I have been able to imagine and speak to Yuli, I'm not sure what state she's in.

 

8/13 was as silent as the previous day until something peculiar happened. For some reason a form very similar to Yuli's small, winged one described on day 7/4 came to the front of my attention. It was fairly easy to focus on it, and I even talked to it throughout the evening. I kept an open mind and assumed that it might be Yuli expressing herself differently, or my own perception of her adjusting as it has before.

 

That night I visited wonderland and immediately tried looking for Yuli. I couldn't find the small winged form, so, likely because of my expectations, I found her sleeping on the bed. On a whim I decided to enter her form as though I was possessing her but without attempting to control her. A stream of thoughts began coming to me, anxious and concerned whether I'd forget about her and that I couldn't hear her. Through Yuli's eyes I saw her shaking my standing-but-lifeless wonderland body. I snapped out of this strange trance and returned to my form and reassured her that I wouldn't forget her, and that I've just been personally confused the last few days.

 

Today on 8/14 Yuli's still been relatively quiet, but I've been talking to her throughout the day. I keep reminding her that I'm not giving up on her, hoping she understands that I'm trying to sort everything out.

 

I seem to be going through a crisis of sorts, questioning all of my progress with Yuli, my motivations, purpose and general direction in life. Why am I making a tulpa? What do I hope to gain? For some reason I haven't been sure of myself - and consequently Yuli - for the last week or two. Maybe I just need a few days to myself, break my regular irl routine or something. I'll just have to keep trying and keep my cool until I figure things out.

[Jay]

8/22--

 

At last, everything seems to feel right again.

 

I've still been talking to Yuli and spending time to actively visualize her form, but for the most part I haven't been worrying about the times that I'm not communicating with her, instead just doing my best when I can effectively focus. Things have slowly shifted towards the opposite extreme, and I now find myself forgetting about her, although I believe this is ultimately for the better, because I no longer associate negative feelings with any activity that I can't passively force her during. Likewise I believe this was overall to Yuli's benefit as well; I think I was actually restricting her growth with all of my expectations, so for them to have slowly dropped has allowed her to be herself, or me to accurately perceive it. She has become somewhat faint, but her personality and form are still familiar.

 

So it seems we've taken a step or two back, but can now continue with all the experience and knowledge we've gained up to this point. Classes will be starting in a few days which means I'll have more obligations, but I'll still keep in contact with Yuli and talk to her when I can. Hopefully things will continue to look up for us.