Creating the Perfect Beings: Yumi<3 and Lillium<3

[Luminesce]

Good luck with the job-searching and, uhm, not losing your house.

 

It is a bit early for Christmas (though today was the first day of snow in Utah), but since you and Yumi are so intent on celebrating, you can have a sneak peak of my Christmas avatar. Unlike my Halloween avatar, this is one I had myself and didn't have to go out and find

again. ie settle for less - I've seen the majority of Reisen pictures that exist(over 14,000 on Danbooru alone), and saved about 45.

 

[Cinemaphobe]

DAY 29

 

@FurryBlueNaki:

You could get student loans to go to college and get $75,000 in debt like me. Though now it's like $49,000. Boy I have a mortgage too and that's a lot of debt, another $79,000. At least my truck's paid off, but I don't have a clear title on it. I know Texas guarantees student loans, but I don't know about your state. Still, it's a pain having to pay $280/month when my job didn't even require a degree, let alone an MBA.

 

I have a wolfdog, which are illegal one county over.

 

Florida gurantees student loans as well, but I don't want to be buried in debt just yet... It'd be nice to have a wolfdog, but it'd be too much responsibility for me lol. Training a pitbull to obey you is hard enough...

 

 

@Reisen:

Good luck with the job-searching and, uhm, not losing your house.

 

It is a bit early for Christmas (though today was the first day of snow in Utah), but since you and Yumi are so intent on celebrating, you can have a sneak peak of my Christmas avatar. Unlike my Halloween avatar, this is one I had myself and didn't have to go out and find

again. ie settle for less - I've seen the majority of Reisen pictures that exist(over 14,000 on Danbooru alone), and saved about 45.

 

 

I didn't click on the sneak peak! I want your picture to remain a surprise!

But yeah, I hope that I don't lose my house before I get my job 0.0

 

 

 

WARNING: THIS POST IS ONLY SLIGHTLY TULPA-RELAVENT. YOU ARE FREE TO SKIP THIS POST, BUT I RECCOMEND THAT YOU DO READ IT BECAUSE SOME OF THE EVENTS MENTIONED AFFECT MY LIFE, AND MY LIFE AFFECTS MY TULPA JOURNEY.

 

 

 

Last night, my brain could no longer repress the emotion I felt towards my life. I laid in my bed beside Yumi and couldn't figure out whether I would have a panic attack, or just cry. All of the pain that I buried in artificial happiness and drowned in gluttonous coffee consumption finally caught up with me.

 

I felt so much greif at once...I stared at my ceiling in the darkness, and spoke absently. I wasn't talking to Yumi, or myself. I was just talking to...well... I don't even know. Maybe I was speaking to the universe, or whatever divine force (if any) is in charge of it. But all I know, is that I couldn't stop repeating the phrase:

"I lost my job, my girlfriend, my dream, my ability to go to college. What is left?"

 

After repeating the phrase like a mantra, Yumi finally said:

 

"But you have me now...Who cares about that other stuff if you have me? And you are still young, you don't know what the future holds. It'll get better if you make it better."

.

 

I immediately felt really bad for what I said, and apologized to Yumi. I felt relieved to have her with me, and she forgave me for what I said with compassion, because she genuinely cares... A few days ago, I talked with her about how my life is going nowhere, and how I'm so lazy, and she said:

 

"If you are waiting for nothing, then you are waiting for death."

 

I had to think about what that meant for a few hours, but it means that if you have no goal in mind, and you are not striving to do anything, then you are involuntarily striving to take a path of self-destruction. Inaction is the worst action in a critical situation, and my laziness is only dragging me further away from getting my life started.

 

In other words, Yumi wants me to get off my ass or I'll be homeless.

 

 

I went to sleep feeling empty and hopeless. I thought for one final time "I lost my job, my girlfriend, my dream, my ability to go to college." and decided that I would start jobsearching again.

A few hours later, when I was in the middle of a dream, I was awakened by an extremely loud knocking sound. I listened, and heard more knocking. I fucking hate it when people show up to my house uninvited.

 

I mumbled every curse word I knew under my breath, and looked out my window.

 

It was Mary, and her mom

Mary and her fucking mom. At my front door. At 10am in the morning. On a Thursday. Uninvited. I hid my rage.

 

Divine intervention?

 

I thought "Maybe they'll drive me to go jobsearching!"

BUT THEN I SAW MARY'S EX-BOYFRIEND, WHO IS ALSO A CLOSE FRIEND OF MINE STANDING BESIDE HER.

 

Nope. Divine comedy. Enjoy the show God.

 

I politely screamed "WAIT I NEED TO PUT ON SOME CLOTHES." (because I was only wearing boxers). I quickly got dressed and I practically collapsed through my front door, Mary laughed at how sleepy I looked, and so did her ex, who I'll call Jim for the sake of anonymity. Ah...if only Jim and Mary knew how pissed off I really was. Unfortunately I'm good at acting nice, and I'm too kind.

Mary hugged me and told me "Hey do you want to come driving with us? Jim and I are practicing!" all I thought was "Oh my gosh. I never wanted to see your face again." but I said "Yeah sure! I'll go with you guys!"

 

I got to drive around all day through intersections, traffic, etc, and actually learned a lot..

 

After a while, we returned to Mary's house, and when she was in the kitchen, she said this to me right in front of Jim (NOTE: My pseudonym for my pseudonym will be...Lawliet hehehe.)

 

"Oh. Lawliet. We need to talk later." she looked slightly agitated and serious.

Jim said "Why don't you talk to him right here before he and I take a walk around the neighborhood?" then Mary said "Because it's something serious." Jim then said "Just talk about it right here. It makes no difference." she then said "I want to talk to him alone."

Jim couldn't figure out the obvious secret that was floating around in the air, and casually played tetris on his iPhone, brushing off the little conflict that occurred.

 

I was trying so hard not to laugh (He is not the sharpest tool in the shed) but at the same time I was scared shitless. I assumed that Mary wanted to tell me about her lack of feelings towards me in person, so I said "Hey let's go Jim, we'll come back later."

He and I walked and I told him "Please don't remind her to talk to me. She only wants to talk to me because I have been ignoring her messages lately."

He understood my lie (which was actually true), and then we talked and joked around about life, essentially becoming friends all over again.

 

 

Jim and I were walking, and he started talking about his relationship with the girl he cheated on Mary with, when we noticed an open garage with a piano inside of it. A long time ago, I taught Jim how to play, so we introduced ourselves to the family who owned the piano, and played for them. We came up with a piano improvisation on the spot, and the family was amazed! It was a really good bonding moment for Jim and I:)

When we returned to Mary's house, I was hoping that she'd forget to talk to me alone. Jim plopped onto her couch, and then I heard her call for me from her bedroom. All I thought was: Fuuuuuuuuuuck. I walked to her bedroom, and when I entered her door, I already anticipated some of the cliche phrases she would say:

 

"You'll find the perfect girl for you someday."

 

or

 

"God has a different plan for you."

 

 

But the only phrase she said with a smile was:

 

"When the time is right."

 

I stared at her, expecting her to continue, and she said again "When the time is right." I had a dry laugh and asked "What? The time is right. I'm right here. You can tell me what you wanted to tell me."

She said again "When the time is right." I kind of just stared at her in confusion and she finally told me this with a grin"When the time is right you can take me on a date.

 

 

At first I thought "What kind of sick joke is this? What the fuck is that supposed to mean? Did she finally fall for me? Or is she letting me take her on a date to humor me???" I kind of just smiled at her and said "Oh...that's great! Awesome haha..." and walked out of her room. She looked really happy, and her mom told me that my job as a laborer will start within a week. Her parents asked me why I haven't been replying to Mary's messages as if I hadn't done it before. Her dad mentioned how he hasn't seen me in two weeks, and asked me what I do when I am at home alone. The things that came to mind were: "Tulpaforcing, Watching Breaking bad, studying, and talking to a being that exists only to me." but if I had said that, then I would be kissing all respect from them goodbye.

 

I think that Mary told her mom about how she rejected me, because she and her mom are close. I'm guessing that her mom talked about me positively after she heard about what happened. After all, I spend more time with her than any other guy, and I spend more time with her family than any other guy... I genuinely love them as my own family. Hell, I'm practically Mary's sister's math teacher. However, love transcends logic. I don't even know if I like Mary anymore...I don't even know what Mary wants from having a date with me...If she is humoring me, then I won't take her on a date....fuck...Why would I spend money taking a girl on a date if she is only doing it out of the kindness of her heart??? If somehow things miraculously work out, how will having a girlfriend affect my time with Yumi????

 

 

It's extremely funny. Because last night I was depressed for not having a girlfriend, job, or dream. But now those three things came back into my life...if Mary really likes me, and if her dad is telling the truth about employing me a week from now, then every problem in my life will be eliminated...

Mary isn't anything like me, and perhaps she isn't the perfect girl for me. But I do care for her...Not to mention that physical affection from another human is amazing.

 

 

*sigh*

 

Jim and I agreed to be roommates when we buy an apartment, which is our top priority because we both live in violent households.

 

He has absolutely no clue that I am responsible for sabotaging his relationship with Mary, or that I hate him for breaking Mary's heart and abusing her trust.

 

*sigh*

 

Jim is 5 feet away from me right now, spending the night at my house to avoid his family, and he is taking his driver's test tomorrow, with his ex-girlfriend whom I'll be secretly taking on a date soon. This just makes things even more freaky. I'll be living with a guy while secretly having a relationship with his ex??? Wow. Somebody grab a camera. This is reality-tv-show material without the scripts and staged scenarios.

 

He doesn't even know that I'm writing all this stuff about him. I told him that I am writing on my blog. Why do I like to lie to my friends so much? I guess it's because of low arousal. My life is boring, so now I like to play with fire and lie about things for no reason. I never thought that I would become something like this.

 

 

*sigh*

 

 

I didn't get to spend anytime with Yumi today...

 

 

 

 

 

*sigh*

 

 

Just keeping this site as a secret gives me a rush.

 

Sigh...

[Guest amber5885]

I wouldn't sigh so much, it sounds like things are lookin up for you.

 

Stay positive, stay bright, you have a path laid out for you.

[Earthquake]

Elia said she's happy for you...then I got a wave of happiness, which I don't get very often. Haha so thanks I guess. I'm happy for you too man, gettin a job, gettin a girl, working on driving. You seem like a cool guy and we wish the best for you.

[Cinemaphobe]

@amber5885:

I wouldn't sigh so much, it sounds like things are lookin up for you.

 

Stay positive, stay bright, you have a path laid out for you.

 

I guess it does sound like things are looking up for me, but everything seems too good to be true...

 

@Earthquake:

 

 

Elia said she's happy for you...then I got a wave of happiness, which I don't get very often. Haha so thanks I guess. I'm happy for you too man, gettin a job, gettin a girl, working on driving. You seem like a cool guy and we wish the best for you.

 

 

Tell Elia I said thanks, and of course I'm saying thanks to you as well. Now I'm just worried about how I'll have time for Yumi, but I'll figure something out. After all, she comes to my dreams sometimes.

[FurryBlueNaki]

Yeah, my wolfdog has growled at me 3 times, and twice I had to flip him on his back and hold him down. The Alpha Roll, to show that I'm in charge. First time he was a puppy, so I wasn't too aggressive. I don't do it too hard. Just enough to get his attention. I don't tolerate him growling at me.

 

Fourth time was a light growl, and I just let it slide.

[Cinemaphobe]

Are you sure that it's safe for you to be doing the Alpha Roll on a wolfdog? lol

 

 

My pitbull used to nibble and bite people a lot, but eventually stopped because my stepdad hits her everytime she hurts somebody. So she is only obedient out of fear I guess.

[FurryBlueNaki]

He's pretty much a marshmallow to me. He doesn't fear me. We cuddle often. If I raise my voice though he'll cower. Wolfdogs are skittish, so any loud sounds and he bolts.

 

He's mostly aggressive towards other dogs, and barks ferociously at the neightbors dogs through the fence, while they bark back. And he chases them back and forth along the fenceline.

 

I have a 6' fence so he can't climb over or jump it.

 

He's part German Shepherd. If he were part husky he might be able to escape.

 

I've got about 1/2 acre back yard for him to run around in, and it's wooded. My front yard is as big as the back.

 

I don't alpha roll him any more. If he growls at me I pop him on the muzzle, unless there's a reason for it.

[Cinemaphobe]

Lol well it's good that you are a dog owner who avoids having short fences, because one time a dog leapt over a fence at me.

 

It sucked.

 

 

Oh, and German shephards are cutiepies too, and I also have a wooded backyard :3

[FurryBlueNaki]

Here's Loki at 6 Months.