conflictedebola

Oh God what are we doing

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FIRST OF ALL, SOME CONTEXT

But before I continue with this story, I have to say some disclaimers. If I knew what my current physical/emotional state would be, I never would have done this, as unintentional as it started out to be. I feel bad for having him live in these circumstances (he claims he doesn't really care but I still feel guilty) but there's no way I could part with him now and we're just kind of dealing with it together (I could never bring myself to kill ANYONE regardless, human or thoughtform). I will say though, my boyfriend and his tulpa are a great support system and that's why I'm writing this PR. To document the further progression me and Howl's relationship (don't make that face), and hopefully our own further self function. :D

 

Also REALLY sorry for this wall of text (may God have mercy on your souls), but there were a LOT of factors into Howl's accidental creation and this is the only way I can bring myself to tell it all (OCD runoff? Who knows.) You don't have to read it if you don't want to, important stuff will be bolded. Also future posts will DEFINITELY be less TL;DR

ANYCASE, STORYTIME

Back when I was a wee little shitehawk in High School, I accidentally made what would now be my (jerkwad) tulpa. You can probably guess where this is going but i'll elaborate for the sake of context. I grew up in the middle of bumfuck nowhere, and went to school with a the stereotypical Texas borderline rednecks. The problem with this being that I didn't really fit into all of that (ew stereotype much?). I was a dweeby little emogoth kid who went on the internet too much and watched too much anime and spent class time drawing. I had friends and the cheerleaders/popular girls in school were super nice to me (probably out of pity? I dunno, I didn't really care). But for the most part , as most of you are probably used to hearing by now, I was pretty much the object of ridicule. I was pretty non-confrontational by nature, but you can imagine a lot of anger and pain builds up inside a barely pubescent teenage girl. This was the horrible beginning of something I was completely ignorant to.

 

Back then I was seeing a therapist for a variety of reasons (to put into context, because of rough social growth environments and shitty genetics, I'm definitely NOT the most mentally/emotionally stable person). Back then it was mostly for depression and maybe BPD but eh, details are fuzzy (Howl agrees). I made the mistake of refusing to medicate and taking out all of my inner buildup on my family. There was a lot of guilt that built up on top of that, so I came up with a myriad of weird coping mechanisms. The most of which being pushing my guilt onto something ELSE inside of me, as opposed to owning up to it. I imagined there was something living inside of me that was the cause of all my outbursts and accusations, as opposed to me, who was merely taking a mental backseat. Being delusional by nature, this eventually became very easy, and very natural. I eventually gave it a personality and physical form based off of character concept I had created. YOU CAN ONLY IMAGINE WHERE IT WENT FROM THERE.

I began to imagine him inside my head and sometimes outside, and blamed every horrible critical invasive thought on this one thing. And then the invasive thoughts began to become more personal and self-forming. At this point I was scared shitless and was convinced I had somehow contracted some dormant schizophrenia (more context; being Bi-polar I used to hallucinate a bit. Okay, a lot a bit I get it.) and immediately started owning up to my own shitehawki-ness while pushing that idea as far back into my brain as I could. You can imagine it wasn't that easy. He talked to me occasionally, sometimes replying to what I said back, but not often. Then eventually, he would talk THROUGH me (not just casually though, only when my emotions were strained and i couldn't control myself) and horrible things were said. It was scary as fuck and eventually through extreme denial and medication that forced my attention elsewhere, it receded into dormancy (he got bored probably and slept for a long time but apparently was watching a lot, thanks jerk).

 

FAST FORWARD A COUPLE MORE YEARS

I began to use him as an RP character again, after mastering some self-mental blocks that helped me forget my High School years (no I didn't get to graduate, but the story behind that doesn't really matter). Eventually he became my muse again, and went through some character development. ENTER OWEN, CURRENTLY MY DWEEBY BOYFRIEND, BACK THEN MY DWEEBY BEST FRIEND. After spending lots of time frickling around on the internet together, I brought up a concept.

 

"Have I ever told you about Howl?"

"Noooo?"

"LET ME SHOW YOU A THING."

 

Then we began to RP together, with Howl and who would become Owen's own tulpa (you can find his PR somewhere, he goes by etherealcabbage). A lot. A LOT.

Looking back I probably should have noticed the pressure in my chest and and the seemingly natural responses (don't be a cocky prick, you cactus).

In all of the years of using Howl as an RP character, he had never expressed any interest in a single person I associated with (he claims he could have if he wanted to he just didn't care). (Some only slightly important context, in all my 17 years I had never had a boyfriend or expressed any interest sexually or romantically in anyone. Apparently Owen was the exception and Howl probably guessed, like the information withholding jerk that he is.)

 

Anycase, I'm fairly certain Owen and Ran (his tulpa) struck a chord in Howl. Hard. He got VERY attached for some reason (he doesn't even know). I didn't really acknowledge he was coming out of his solitude more, but one thing led to another, Owen became my boyfriend and we moved in together.

 

ONE FINE DAY, after not having internet for a while, and lots of built up tension, (and according to Owen because our memory is shit), Ran and Owen pseudo-switched (it's complicated) and then basically all the deteriorated mental walls shattered and Howl full on switched with me for the first time since High School. Thankfully he was driven by more CARNAL things this time and it was all very emotional and very... explicit.

This was all before we knew what tulpas were and for some UNGODLY REASON (I know we'd never survive a horror movie, we're dumb, you've established this before), we didn't really question it. Owen was amazed and confused that we could do that, and eventually he encouraged us to try it some more. I was kind of hesitant because I didn't like the way it felt (I've only legit passed out once during marching band practice and it felt scarily similar) but Howl was more than enthused and we didn't harbor any bad feelings for each other (you're so grown up /facesquish) and we practiced some more. A lot of the times it was just him staying just outside my consciousness, watching, but sometimes he would literally pressure me into trying to switch again. We worked on this for a while, before we went back into casual cohabitation where he was more satisfied just watching. We would direct our attention towards him sometimes and talk to him and ask him his opinion on things, but he was more comfortable staying inside (he still has some body dysphoria issues that we're working on).

ONCE AGAIN I MUST POST A DISCLAIMER; I have NO CLUE how he can switch with me so naturally yet not even share his proper mind voice with me. I think he's always been based more physically or maybe it's something that ties into one of my annoying mental disorders but don't denounce me just yet because I'm JUST AS CONFUSED AS YOU ARE. If you have any suggestions PLEASE feel free to hit me with them.

We did this for a while, moving houses once, and during which he also got more comfortable with Owen, and we started doing more INTENSE switching. Switching in which I was basically asleep and unaware of what he was doing. He and Owen would sort of review it when we woke up the next morning (I can only do it when I'm physically tired or sleepy for some reason?) and we practiced it a couple more times.

 

This became pretty normal for us and we moved AGAIN. A bit later, Owen started finding out stuff about Tulpas and we finally decided that's what Howl was (we were going to love you even if you WERE some weird botched dissasociative identity, you know that right? .... Jerk.). I didn't really know what to do so we continued to do our own thing while Owen worked on working on Ran.

 

And that's pretty much where we are now. Owen found this site and I decided maybe we should start focusing more on the stuff we can't do. HERE IS A LIST OF THINGS WE CAN DO SOMEWHAT DECENTLY, aside from the basic communication that we have (which I should add is less vocal and more... I dunno, EMPATHETIC? We tend to communicate through feeling most of the time.).

 

  • SWITCHING (i don't know how)
  • Minor possession (he's moved my fingers and once spoken through me while my attention was away)
  • Minor physical touching

 

I don't know what else needs addressed, but like I said we both have a terrible memory.

 

I'm well aware of how weird and unorganized and out of order all of this is, and I'm pretty sure a lot of you aren't going to believe me. For the longest time neither of us knew what he was and I was ready to denounce him as some mental or neurological anomaly that probably needed medical treatment. Howl was a VERY sloppily made accident and it would be GREAT if we could get some help clearing all of this up and setting it in proper order. But during that time we're doing our best to work on it ourselves.

 

Next posts will be a summary of who he is (or maybe who we are, I dunno), and what we're currently focusing on (as well as details on how we function/communicate since it's a complicated subject).

 

I apologize again for the giant wall of text.


If I could, begin to be,

Half of what you think of me, I could do about anything,

I could even learn how to love

directed at Howl

directed from Howl

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I'm JUST AS CONFUSED AS YOU ARE.

 

Confused? More like intrigued. You have an accidental tulpa which you have pinned the blame on for most of your teenage life. No wonder you're feeling so disillusioned. (I know this because I have a tulpa of my own who defies the laws of tulpa)

The switching part is what interests me the most though. I think that skill is rather rare due to the difficulty people have in pulling it off. Your accidental switch might bring in some new information on how exactly one can accomplish it, or what things help the process.

 

I'd love to hear more about your tulpa. Maybe I can help in some way after you're done explaining. Maybe something you end up saying will be of big help to me in the process.

 

Also, it might help if you put the name of your tulpa in spotlights somewhere. I'm still slightly confused on whether your tulpa is named Owen or Howl.


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Confused? More like intrigued. You have an accidental tulpa which you have pinned the blame on for most of your teenage life. No wonder you're feeling so disillusioned. (I know this because I have a tulpa of my own who defies the laws of tulpa)

The switching part is what interests me the most though. I think that skill is rather rare due to the difficulty people have in pulling it off. Your accidental switch might bring in some new information on how exactly one can accomplish it, or what things help the process.

 

I'd love to hear more about your tulpa. Maybe I can help in some way after you're done explaining. Maybe something you end up saying will be of big help to me in the process.

 

Ah, thank you! To be honest, I've been really self-conscious about all of this and really hesitant to post here because I figured people wouldn't even believe me.

I'll definitely elaborate on the details of our switches in the future, once we straighten out how exactly it is we do it.

 

Also, it might help if you put the name of your tulpa in spotlights somewhere. I'm still slightly confused on whether your tulpa is named Owen or Howl.

 

Ah, crap, I thought I put it in the beginning, oops. It's also in my title and sig, so I thought it was obvious, sorry! D:

I was going to do a reference sheet for us, but I needed to go get food because I was dizzy and running on a cup over-sugared green tea and a cupcake, sorry... again?

 

FOR FUTURE REFERENCE, Howl is my tulpa, Owen is my boyfriend/roomate/fellow tulpamancer. His tulpa's name is Ran. (I say for future reference because they'll undoubtedly be brought up in the future.

 

I'll try putting that reference sheet together, now.

(I was kinda hoping I'd have had the motivation to sketch him up a reference sheet but that's totally not gonna happen tonight.)


If I could, begin to be,

Half of what you think of me, I could do about anything,

I could even learn how to love

directed at Howl

directed from Howl

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Ah, thank you! To be honest, I've been really self-conscious about all of this and really hesitant to post here because I figured people wouldn't even believe me.

I'll definitely elaborate on the details of our switches in the future, once we straighten out how exactly it is we do it.

 

I've seen some weird stuff on about the same level you're experiencing it on. I'm actually refraining from saying things like "holy crap, this person understands my situation", 'cause I know that would be somewhat rude. Not that I'm an expert on manners or anything.

Also, my fault for not noticing the obvious name placements. I was more focused on reading your interesting story. I love your writing style by the way.


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Aaaand I fell asleep instead of doing the reference sheet. /siiiiiiigh

I'll make it a point to finish that tonight, somehow. WoW privileges revoked until then, Conflicted (wake up, you, help me focus)!

 

I did do some internal stuff (he finds it more comfortable a word to use than Wonderlanding I guess) in the shower last night (water rises my vibrations significantly) and we stared at a plant for a bit. I can really only see forward and it's a relatively small room, but plant staring is apparently progress (If you get plants then so do I. Good morning to you too, beautiful.)

With that apparently he's fine with me quoting him on here now. Which is good? He's kind of technophobic (i'll elaborate in the ref sheet).

 

Anycase, Owen got a redbox movie today. It's the first movie we watched with the intent of sharing with our tulpas (that they enjoyed). So we'll see how that goes. (As usual I have no idea what's going on. Maybe if you didn't sleep so late. Don't gush your hypocrisy all over me, that's gross.)

 

Anycase, expect an update post later. WITH A REF SHEET.

 

 

I've seen some weird stuff on about the same level you're experiencing it on. I'm actually refraining from saying things like "holy crap, this person understands my situation", 'cause I know that would be somewhat rude. Not that I'm an expert on manners or anything.

Also, my fault for not noticing the obvious name placements. I was more focused on reading your interesting story. I love your writing style by the way.

 

Not at all, it's kind of comforting actually! My default thought to myself diverting from the norm is usually "Oh god I'm doing something horribly wrong D:".

I guess the odds of more than one people experiencing this is comforting. (-cough-failurecomplex-cough-)

And thanks again! (Don't worry about it, I tend to accidentally vague. :U)


If I could, begin to be,

Half of what you think of me, I could do about anything,

I could even learn how to love

directed at Howl

directed from Howl

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OKAY I guess I can start this out with my basic character reference template (prepare for the overevaluation that comes from a character concept artist). I'll start with myself as a warm up.

 

Name: You can call me Conflicted.

Age: 20

Birthday: August 2nd

Gender: Female

Sexuality: Bisexual

Height: 5'7''

Weight: 130lbs

Eye Color: Brown

Hair Color: (Uhhh, I'm in-between dyes right now so let's say mottled black. It's f*cking grey.)

Favorite Color: Purple (yes this is an important question)

Personality Points: Anxious, Neurotic, Empathetic, Acceptant, Non-Confrontational (submissive), Friendly, Volatile (not necessarily always aggressive).

 

Noteable Personal Factors: (For now I'll go with mental issues, once again, for context purposes) Anxiety, BPD (including Bipolar depression, manic episodes, and hallucinations), ADD/ADHD, and something revolving around paranoia and delusions (we're pretty sure it's unlikely to be schizophrenia).

 

You already know my backstory and the rest isn't really that important. So now Howl is next. His is probably going to be a bit more complicated.

 

For the record, I'm not sure if people usually give their tulpas backstories or anything like that. Howl is based off a character concept I had, like I said, so he's probably a bit more complicated than some of the other tulpas on this site (I'm a hot mess.)

 

ANYCASE

 

Name: Howl

Age: (What the hell is your tulpa age? Like 6 years? Age isn't a concept that really matters to me. Great.)

APPARENT AGE: (Thaat's better. -headpap- >:I) 30 at most, late 20's at least.

Birthday: October 28th (that isn't his creation date/sentience date or anything it's just the date he insists is his birthday. He's a typical Scorpio too.)

Gender: Male

Sexuality: Pansexual (basically blind to gender preferences)

Height: 7'2'' (outside visualization is going to be a nightmare. Sh-shut up.)

Weight: ???? (??? ????)

Eye color: Silvery blue (nearly luminous blue during certain headspaces)

Hair color: Black

Favorite Color: Bright red (he insists it has to be bright red. It makes a difference.)

Personality Points: Snarky, Apathetic (but not inexpressive/unemotive), somewhat condescending, debaucherous, and a bit self-destructive while still maintaining his own self-confidence. (This doesn't look bad out of context or anything, good job sweet pea. I'M TRYING, your sarcasm just makes you look even more like a jerk.) His more positive points are some minor empathy, protectiveness, and sometimes general concern. (Happy? Gnnn, I guesss. Don't be a woman about this.) Another heavily noteable personality point is his 'dog complex'. (God let me try to explain it without having it sound too much like the pet play kink) Due to certain backstory stuff (and minor influence by certain Egyptian deities), Howl's mindset is basically set to that of a dog (the title he prefers is Jackal). He is fiercely loyal and obedient to anyone who sets authority over him (Owen and Ran being the most noteable). Also the dog collar that he never (EVER) takes off, and general dog-like disposition (ie; noticeably perks up whenever Owen calls him 'pups').

 

Noteable personal factors: (These are things that DO need to be addressed, so I'd appreciate your cooperation for this too. -sigh- Proceed.) Sensory issues (namely some sadism/masochism that needs toned down a bit. >:T), Body Dysphoria, Emotional Dependence (such as an anchor like a comfort object or sometimes Owen), Memory Issues (I think this is something I might have accidentally afflicted him with though), Headspace Feelings (random intense pangs of despair/rage/anxiety).

 

You forgot that thing you were gonna talk about.

O DAMN. You actually reminded me of something, good job.

 

Howl has a color-to-feeling based form of 'synesthesia' (look it up). To quote a note I had written down once "Howl’s senses and mental states are all linked in a large web of constant factors that permeate through the constant “white noise” of everyday things. Colors are one of the biggest things." Every color is linked to a feeling and/or emotion (red is pleasure, blue is love, ect.) I'll make a reference chart of this in the future.

 

As for backstory stuff, it's a bit tricky, but it's something he feels anchored to, so it's necessary. I'm not sure I'll cover it THIS TIME, but a brief overview is in order.

 

Howl is "biologically" a perception of human anatomy by a viral biomass (if you've ever heard of Alex Mercer, that's basically nearly the same concept). He's basically a physical entity of pestilence (I was and continue to be a huge theology nerd I'm sorry if this sounds lame, I really truly do.). I'll elaborate further in the future, but I'm super tired right now and can't think straight anymore.

 

AND WITH THAT, I'VE PRETTY MUCH COVERED THE BASICS.

I'm aware that there's still a lot more I need to delve into, but for now, I need to rest my eyes and Howl's attention span is all but out the window (what the hell are you even doing?).

 

I've attatched a very rushed very sloppily sketched 'visual reference' (I'm so sorry for the half-assedness. Also yes, his right eye is missing, enjoy his gaping eye socket.). This is definitely incentive to work on the full body reference I've been putting off for about... 6 years....

 

Time to watch that movie, I've earned a cookie.

Dear GOD this was tedious.

SHHHHHH

reference.png.497b9e94faad76855cd1c54293bf3918.png


If I could, begin to be,

Half of what you think of me, I could do about anything,

I could even learn how to love

directed at Howl

directed from Howl

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Made the bae a charm bracelet out of barbed wire.

 

I think he likes it.

 

That's progress I think.

 

IT'S REEEAL LOVE

 

-squint-


If I could, begin to be,

Half of what you think of me, I could do about anything,

I could even learn how to love

directed at Howl

directed from Howl

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We watched the movie. All four of us cried like losers. It was awesome.

 

Also I'm using one of my more scratchy and tight collars (I have a variety of collars for myself yes, my fashion sense is weird, Petco visits are super awkward.) for passive forcing. Ironically it's purple and black. I wore it during the movie and he's definitely more comfortable with something around his neck. I can't get his insight on it, probably because he's passed the fck out. He hasn't held direct attention all day before, I'm so proud of him.

 

We'll do... SOMETHING, tomorrow, not sure what. Hopefully he won't be dog tired (teehee) and we can do something productive.

I need sleep, tea isn't holding me over, goodnight.

 

I dedicate this post in memory of;

My sleep schedule. RIP.


If I could, begin to be,

Half of what you think of me, I could do about anything,

I could even learn how to love

directed at Howl

directed from Howl

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Heee's still tired.

As fck.

I can feel you squinting, it's adorable.

-squinting intensifies-

 

AAANYCASE, today I'm going to talk about our interests, for a little bit of insight of what we do and interests we share. That'll be fun, right?

GOD this feels like therapy. You've been teasing me about the vodka thing for 3 gdmn days, I think I've earned a head cleanser, your jabs mean nothing to me.

SIIIIGH, that's fine, good boy. Can we move on now?

Yes.

 

But first (sweet merciful jesus) I'm going to talk about dream shenanigans, because we nearly went there last night. I was tired, give me a break. It's like waking up in the middle of the night to go to the kitchen but you end up in the bathroom and you're not sure how or why. MOVING ON.

I don't think I've ever really lucid dreamed before (the closest I can get is conditional sleep paralysis, and it's horrifying, and I hate it), but somehow Howl pokes into my dreams sometimes. My goldfish memory prevents me from remembering a specific instance, but it's usually something along the lines of

Doing something in a dream like talking to someone, IDK

Usually pops in through a door or something (not a randomly placed door or anything, just wherever there would be a door) "Huh. Interdesting."

!!! :O "Howl? Wh"

"That's my name."

"Am I dreaming? Is this a dream?"

"....Shit. Uh. See you tomorrow." goes back through the door.

"...." :U goes back to dreaming as if nothing happened.

 

Magical right? We're so intellectual, damn. It's usually really easy to wake me up after stuff like that happens (ie, a particularly loud tv commercial in the other room, Owen moving in his sleep, ect.). So maybe it's during the lighter part of my sleep cycles (it happens often), I dunno. We'll have to look into it further.

 

... >_>

What.

I already smell ethanol.

I'm just preparing myself, don't worry about it.

.... Okay.

 

OKAY SO ABOUT INTERSTS AND HOBBIES. A lot of it intersects and intertwines between us because this is stuff I was heavily into in High School and he retained that. It's still stuff that interests me, which is good, because it's something we bond on sometimes. It's just kind of... non-conventional.

SO I'LL START WITH ME.

I enjoy drawing (interpret 'enjoy' however you wish), and making character concepts. My goals for the future include being a concept artists for video games because I love monsters and aliens and stuff (dreamy sigh. Ew.). I also really like plants, and have made a habit of tending to a small herb garden. It's a nice form of therapy that helps me keep my priorities on track (my depression tends to make me kind of let everything pile up around me) and Howl's also taken a liking to plants over the years. Then there's the more dweeby stuff like playing video games and collection figures (Transformers, action figures, PVC comic and anime figures, Monster High dolls, revoltechs, and even rubber ducks.). Howl is surprisingly tolerant of this. It's kind of cute. Thank :I.

And then there's... Howl's interests. -proudest of smirks-

Howl is basically into anything medical or biological, especially virology (if you hadn't noticed by my screenname that's something both of us share. I also enjoy the medical stuff but... We'll talk about that later.). He tends to be more obsessive about his interests, extending into his own self surgery (*something that ties into his own 'biology', he doesn't just go around doing it for fun.... all the time.) We're thinking of getting him a set of surplus grade medical supplies (BASIC STUFF WE'RE NOT BUYING HIM A BONE SAW OR ANYTHING) for playing with/organizing (it's his own sort of therapy), as long as he promises to be responsible with them. Not sure if you're overestimating what I can do with a pair of basic forceps or just being critical. I can feel you giggling. WHAT, I KNOW MY LIMITS.

Try keeping a straight face sometime, Howly.

If you include pets in hobbies and interests, we have a bunny named Biscuit. Howl is perpetually frustrated by how adorable he is. It's not fair. I know.

 

Anycase, I feel like that's just about it for this entry. We'll see what happens tonight, and I'll post a daily update on that... This was a good talk, methinks. Sure.

 

*I WAS going into context about physical stuff, today, but neither of us are currently feeling up to it. Maybe later. Like what he looks like and what his insides (>_> >:I Bro, I'm so sorry) are like.


If I could, begin to be,

Half of what you think of me, I could do about anything,

I could even learn how to love

directed at Howl

directed from Howl

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