Oh God what are we doing

[conflictedebola]

Okay, so a crescent roll and couple drinks of Dr. Pepper later and I think I'm set.

 

I went back to listening to aforementioned old iPod and remember all of my basic unintentional forcing music is the Silent Hill 4 soundtrack. So all the Void music is basically Silent Hill music.

is what some of the rusty industrial hallways sound like. The original sound/music track for the Machine room is

but I'm thinking

be fitting. (I can feel discomfort levels rising, so I'm gonna stop with that)

I've always loved the Silent Hill franchise, even though I've only been able to play Silent Hill 3 (I watched walkthroughs for some of the others). I always told myself if I was ever brought to my own personal Silent Hill, Howl would be my Valtiel (or more likely my Pyramid Head). Setting me on the path to something horrible and disturbing while making sure I don't die horribly along the way. Or just providing me with torment. That's probably why half the Facility itself looks like Silent Hill. But now we're not out to kill each other anymore, so it doesn't really matter. Just have to watch out for those tentacles...

 

Anycase, I've come to terms with the fact that me and Howl's color spectrums are very different. I don't have synesthesia but I tend to associate things with colors. For instance, I associate a warm heating pad as a burnt orange but he of course insists it's red. It's something we still need to work on and I'd like it to be easier for him to associate colors as fluently as he wants to. But he's doing pretty well for the most part. Enough for it to be a noticeable quirk.

 

The rain made him a bit foggy today. He was tired and clingy, and a bit inappropriate, but I assume he was drowning his misery probably (Did I or did I not smell ethanol? No comment.). The random smooches were off-putting but nice. Shut up. Just try to keep your hands to yourself next time, pups. -sigh- Noted.

 

I'm gonna go ahead and publish this in case the power flashes and I lose all my progress. Might post something later, if I don't have anything else to do.

[conflictedebola]

And anxiety is happening. And it sucks. So I'm just going to ramble for a minute to distract myself.

Don't descend into a mess yet, it's still so early.

You feel like shit too, I can tell.

That's probably because of the depressing music you're playing. Also for god's sake eat some food.

Okay, so just. I got this self-fulfilling prophecy of stressing out so much in fear of getting an anxiety attack that I get an anxiety attack. It's stupid, and I really don't like it, and it just really jolts the both of us and makes it hard to focus on anything. Everything gets kind of foggy and sticky and gross.

Are you getting that delusion again, should I slap you? Can I slap you?

NO, IT'S GOOD. Thank you for toning it down some though, that's appreciated.

My teeth are itching.

Sorry. Anycase, tonight is probably going to be another case of not posting anything productive because we're both too busy trying to keep me from scratching my skin off. If I attempt to start on something, I'll do my best to finish it. This is my first time I've actually posted something on here while feeling myself get neurotic so sorry if I sound weird and manic... Prepare to probably have to deal with a couple more of these in the future. I may just end up deleting them in the morning after it's all over maybe. But if I don't, sorry you have to deal with these.

Stop rambling, you're digging yourself deeper.

RIGHT, THANKS... You're touching my sternum.

Don't worry, I have a PhD.

Your sense of humor is really weird.

Anycase, we're gonna go... do something. With Owen. Once again sorry for ramb

I'm putting the brakes on this train, goodbye.

[conflictedebola]

Sooo the cause of my anxiety was apparently that I forgot to take a shower today. Thanks for the heads up, breh.

 

I washed my hair multiple times and cleaned out my ears with hydrogen peroxide (like, not directly into my ear canal, i put it on a q-tip) so now I feel thoroughly clean and clear-headed. I even get to wear a new shirt.

My shirt.

HIS shirt. Which is super comfortable. And doesn't require pants.

Also peach tea which equals happiness.

I have no snarky objection to that.

Exacataka. I still need food though and some leisure time (spelled Skyrim).

So I'll probably post something relevant tomorrow.

[conflictedebola]

I lied apparently, I had one more thing to put out.

 

As I've been putting off for days now, I'm going to get into Howl's 'biology' today. Bet you're excited about that one.

I'm tired.

Usually he's much more proud of himself. Anycase, a little backtracking.

 

As I said before, Howl is a perception of (mostly) human anatomy by a biological pathogen. He's essentially viral biomass (he calls it his Tox) shaped like a person (I repeat sort of like Alex Mercer). A more literal description would be to say he's solid Pestilence on a human armature (being his weirdly solid skeleton). Yes, the same pestilence of biblical proportions. At least, a physical vessel of pestilence, he doesn't have any super awesome power or anything. I'm going to leave the rest of my explanation up to old notes (a rough collection of assorted relevant ones, forgive the inconsistency).

 

Much of his biology is vastly different on account of the biological altering of the Tox, including his bone structure, teeth/claws, and various other subtle or drastic features. His idle body temperature is also significantly higher than regular people, giving off more body heat but being unable to retain it, leaving him feeling cold most of the time (which entices him to practically never take of his jacket)

He’s mostly normal looking, past the predatory features and abnormal height (7’2”), with a lean and angular body type. While not having the disposition for it, he sometimes passes as a bit sickly.

While far from immortal, he’s very hard to kill, with his only real vital organs being his brain, his heart, and his lungs. Everything but internal organs are basically regenerative, some more complicated than others (such as bones, nerves, and blood vessels, which are slower and more painful to regenerate) and some all but trivial (he loses and grows teeth like a shark and surgical wounds, if cleanly cut enough, heal like papercuts).

As internal organs are exempt from his regenerative abilities, he’s lost an eye and most of his viscera on account of an incident with a previous acquaintance. It’s a subject he’s surprisingly sensitive about.

His basic drives are a near insatiable hunger for flesh and a need to spread his infection, both of which are restricted while not 'on the job'. A repercussion of going long periods without ‘food’ are intense pain and crumbling mental state. The symptoms of prolonged 'starvation' include an induced 'drippy' state which is basically when his flesh begins to drip with black tar-like ichor, his voice becomes watery, and his mental state is all but gigglingly senseless.

He can also be very urge-driven, especially by more carnal means. Debauchery and depravity are his passions, and he feels little to no shame towards them. Moral ambiguity is also one of his more oblivious issues.

As far as sensual pleasures, he attempts to indulge to the fullest through a strange, color-based kind of synesthesia, tapped through things from emotions to physical colors themselves.

 

Ehhh, some of this is a bit tied into backstory stuff but I don't want to get into that yet. Maybe tomorrow. This is the basics and I may elaborate further in the future. But this is my nugget of productivity for the day. Even though it's 5 am. Who needs details?

---

Just a small update; I brought up the prospect of making muffins to Owen because we can't make cupcakes and Howl perked up from his sleepy state like an excited puppy. It's adorbs, yo.

[conflictedebola]

So today was super uneventful because our sleep schedule is screwed to kingdom come and I have a massive headache, probably because I haven't had any carbonated drink today. Not really, I just get a lot of headaches, it's probably because the only thing I ate today was loaded with gluten which there's an 80% chance I'm allergic to.

 

Literally the only thing (aside from last night because Howl switched out for some physical affection from Owen and apparently he was mostly just... A puppy. He didn't even say anything, he was probably really sleepy) relevant is we've been switching between tabs of a game I'm playing and a game he's playing. We used to bond so hard on Pandemic II, damn.

 

Also making mini cupcakes and Howl is beyond frustrated that there's just a big bowl of red but it tastes like chocolate (which he hates, he can't stand rich foods).

 

This headache is making it too agonizing to think too much, so we're just kind of not talking or anything (some people say a good relationship is based off of when you can just sit together and not say anything). Maybe we'll post again later, who knows.

 

....

I just came back because the oven beeped. That's way more cupcakes than I thought it was going to be. I'm only halfway done. God help me.

[conflictedebola]

We're more awake now (and I'm more hydrated).

 

SO LOOK AT THIS, LOOK WHAT WE DID. THIS IS ONLY HALF OF WHAT WE'VE GOT. iPod is for scale.

 

We were talking about stuff while I was filling the cupcake tins, and suddenly he just says to me

"You know you're gonna have to ice all these right?"

And we just.

Stared at them.

We signed up for this. This is a mission we have to complete. Only us. No one else. These are our cupcakes.

 

70 mini cupcakes.

70.

70.

 

LET TODAY BE KNOWN AS THE DAY CONFLICTEDEBOLA AND HOWL MADE 70 MINI CUCPAKES FOR NO PARTICULAR REASON, PRAISE BE.

BAKING WITH YOUR TULPA IS TOTALLY FUN GUYS, IT REALLY IS.

 

I'm not actually upset, just exhausted, a bit manic, and we're delaying the inevitable.

---

So Owen ended up helping us ice them all. Laughter and vulgarities were spread in abundance (by vulgarities you can assume I mean Howl was more talkative than he was earlier today). It was awesome.

[bunny-boi-lover]

The mini cupcake thing amuses me to no end, especially with you and Howl saying "70" to each other. XD I'mma have to go back and read moar. I always love to see how hosts and their tulpae interact, so it's great that you two talk directly in the text to give us all insight.

[conflictedebola]

I just woke up and I have only one thing to say, but it's relevant.

 

That awkward moment when you sniff vanilla icing and it smells BLUE.

Heeee~

 

Also upon waking up, his first instinct was to tell me "Stop being a bitch."

Whoa man.

I just wanted a cupcake.

 

I thought I heard you saying something both of us would regret, you're a handful to watch, give me a break.

---

The mini cupcake thing amuses me to no end, especially with you and Howl saying "70" to each other. XD I'mma have to go back and read moar. I always love to see how hosts and their tulpae interact, so it's great that you two talk directly in the text to give us all insight.

 

|D Thanks, I'm glad we can be amusing! (it's my favorite thing to be)

We're still gobsmacked that we actually pulled it off. We were on the edge of futility but then two cucpakes short of 6 batches of 12, there was no more batter and it was simultaneously disappointing and relieving.

 

We're working on his mindvoice currently so talking to him in my head has been kind of awkward (like... tulpa laryngitis or something), and we've always communicated most fluently while I'm typing

Like this.

SHHH. So we use this PR as a chance to... not really lay things out on the table but have our closest interactions. Sometimes I'm afraid we get carried away and people will get annoyed, but it's worth the risk to be able to talk to him so closely, methinks. :>

[bunny-boi-lover]

I think that's a wonderful method of communication you two have developed. I've thought about starting up my own progress report thread, not about how Edwin develops since he's already "developed", but more about how our relationship grows and how he may react to different things that happen in my life. I think it would be nice to be able to look back at it with him and bring back fond memories. I have a lot of trouble with memory because of my experiences in the past with DID.

 

My concern is that I fear getting too wrapped up in writing it for the sake of others' amusement instead of for the original personal reasons. For some reason, whenever I post things online it's like they're no longer mine. In fact, I was iffy about joining this forum for that very reason. Do you and Howl ever have that problem, feeling like you're just doing it for others?

[conflictedebola]

OOOOHHHHH MAAAAAN, today was eventful and I feel simultaneously exhausted and recharged. You probably don't care about what happened but I'm going to tell you anyway, because it's sprinkled with relevant.

Owen took me to town today. We live in the middle of nowhere, so we usually have to drive an hour or so out of town to get to anywhere relevant. I put effort into my appearance and everything (If you're ever in the Stafford Texas area and you see a girl with a black sundress and long flowy lacey druid sleeves or a hot pink and rainbow skirt, that's me). We were SUPPOSED to go to the mall but it was closed because apparently it's Sunday (I'll return for you soon, LUSH bath products ;m;/) ). So we hung around the little plaza around it and then went to Barnes and Noble's (it smells like coffee which Howl approves of). Much to his disgust, I got a book of reboot stories of Lovecraft's monsters. For inspiration purposes. Maybe one day I'll be able to visualize that damn Machine.

You're a nutjob.

Shhh, I can't hear you over our conflicting interests. Anycase, we've been getting lots of bad weather, and it started coming our way. I was on the verge of panic, conflicted between staying in town until it passed or going home ASAP to avoid it. And then, like the men they are, Owen and Howl badgered me to stay and have fun. For the record Owen, it's cheating to use my tulpa to overrule me. Irresponsible bastards. But it was all good in the end because we went to a restaurant that I only get to go to once a year (for my birthday) because it's asspensive. It's got a super nice atmosphere, low lighting, nice lofty layout (P.F Chang's. It's P.F Chang's okay.). We got a booth table next to a window so we got to hear the rain and the candlelight really added to it. Howl called Owen a "Smooth motherfucker".

I stand by that, damn. If I were a woman, I'dve been so seduced.

Right... Anycase, it was really really good for recharging my mental state, we had a nice time, tea was great.

Oh MAN~

Sounding kinda dreamy there, Howly.

Don't you patronize me, you hardly ever taste anything THAT colorful. I'll be dreaming about that later... So to speak.

Speaking of TASTE, since we had been sharing our senses on and off all day, Owen decided to take it upon himself to do a little experiment... Jerk. Anyway, since we needed a pick me up, we split a small dessert. Which happened to be chocolate. It went something along the lines of taking a bite, and Owen saying something like "Hey pups, you can taste that." and then just. Ew.

Your intolerance to chocolate is weird and I never want to experience it again.

I wish I hadn't had to taste it either, we're equally victimized.

ANYCASE, that was our twinge of weird for the night.

On the way home it started raining again and there was a lot of lightning, so I started talking to myself (something I do a lot). Howl had plenty of quips as usual (my favorite being 'relaxed as a spring' >:I), but I calmed down eventually and we made it home alive. It was fun and we feel less suffocated now, so it might be easier to focus.

 

Also, we've decided to buckle down and focus on getting him a proper mindvoice. Our regular way of communicating is weird. I perceive the words but they're silent. I don't know how that's even possible, but it is. I've yet to find anything perfect, but he seems okay (he has a terminal case of the 'fck it's') with an infinitely less Finnish Marco Hietala (I literally have nothing to base off of but

because his talking voice is so different, this is going to be super difficult especially getting past that accent but i'll pull through, god help me.). He has no interest in singing Finnish symphonic metal. But if he did... -gestures- :I

 

I think that's a wonderful method of communication you two have developed. I've thought about starting up my own progress report thread, not about how Edwin develops since he's already "developed", but more about how our relationship grows and how he may react to different things that happen in my life. I think it would be nice to be able to look back at it with him and bring back fond memories. I have a lot of trouble with memory because of my experiences in the past with DID.

 

Go for it, I'm sure it'll be fun to read!

 

My concern is that I fear getting too wrapped up in writing it for the sake of others' amusement instead of for the original personal reasons. For some reason, whenever I post things online it's like they're no longer mine. In fact, I was iffy about joining this forum for that very reason. Do you and Howl ever have that problem, feeling like you're just doing it for others?

 

Funny thing about that, Howl's always had to live out his life as an RP character (ie; me proxying for him. I had just figured I was just really used to writing him but apparently not >_>). He's incorporated most online interactions into his actual memories. I feel sharing experiences builds character. It's definitely helped him become a better person (... viral biomas... thing.) and gotten us through some personality issues. I feel like interacting and sharing our experiences online has definitely helped him for the better.