Oh God what are we doing

[conflictedebola]

Weeell, last night was a bit... interesting. But it's not something I can really go into detail about here (i'm pretty sure). For censor's sake let's just say Howl is very liberal with imposition and/or possession when my mind is otherwise occupied. To be honest, it's usually when he's his touchiest. >:T What can I say, I like to see you squirm. I'm more grateful for the last part. Ehhh, what the hand holding thing? He held my hand with my other hand, it was nice. REGARDLESS of jgabkwlk context, Howl is his touchiest whenever i'm in an altered state (THAT, some cases of pain medication fck denny's by the way, panic attacks, uncontrollable anger, and used to the weird delusional 'something is inside me trying to eat me' me nights, but his presence in general seems to have deterred those lately ((I haven't had one in like 3 months))). Sometimes we've switched altogether during those times (back and forth or for the entire height of an anxiety attack You're welcome)

 

Aside from touching, I'm going to go into... SOMETHING, today IDK what. Either what I was going to do yesterday ('biological' stuff), or a minor report on switching. I might need Owen here for that because he's usually the constant (Heeee). But for now, I need a shower, my vibrartions are low (i feel gross, my cilantro is growing too fast so it's kind of wilting and my chives haven't even sprouted which is making me ':C' :C Can't tell if making fun of me or genuinely empathizing... Use your imagination. Right.)

 

I'll come back with elevated vibrations, some tea, and hopefully some inside progress (sTOP GIGGLING I'M SORRY You're really not)

 

EDIT: Quick note that might be worth mentioning, IDK. Howl is ambidextrous, and I'm right handed. I'd like to work on him being able to use my left hand (as opposed to it being COMPLETELY USELESS, what the hell kind of evolutionary advantage is having a single usable hand anyway?) but for SOME REASON he uses the fcking right hand every single time. I can't help it it feels so natural. We can't BOTH use the right hand. Btch watch me.

I'm going to refrain from making some Transformers reference about combiners. It's killing me but I'm not gonna do it. You're welcome.

[conflictedebola]

....

OKAY

So I mean... I guess I should share this, it was definitely a relevant. I think...

Get to the point

Right.

 

As I said in my first post, I still harbor a LOT of guilt. I know I didn't know what Howl was when he was first created and had no way of knowing I was KILLING something. But the fact that he almost died, sitting isolated and alone in a room for over 3 or so years just eats away at me sometimes. He didn't KNOW what it was to feel anything but anger and pain. All he knew was hurting me and people I was close to. It was the only conceivable thing to him. He was the product of my own self loathing and it wasn't anyone's fault but mine.

You're rambling.

I KNOW, I'M SORRY. Anycase, recently I found my old High School iPod (which had gigs upon gigs of music that would take me forever to replace). I've gone through some songs a couple times, because Owen apparently is interested in my taste in music (das gay bro). And I listened to it again today because reasons. I wasn't really paying that much attention and was just using it as background noise, but a certain

from my teenage days decided to nail me right in the chest (DON'T. JUDGE. ME.). I'm aware the song is in an entirely different context, yes, but who ever listens to songs for the context they're created in? Howl said something along the lines of "Well there's a relatable." trying to be a smart ass but I apparently took it way too seriously and started crying. Like a little girl. I mean, we don't listen to that band much anymore because it's kind of embarrassing and also hoping we don't DREDGE UP ANYTHING FROM THE INFINITE SHITWELL THAT IS OUR PAST. I couldn't stop thinking about how he almost died because I didn't know what was going on and how I basically almost killed him. And how he had to be alone in the dark for such a long time. And then suddenly tears. In retrospect I probably scared this shit out of Owen (sorry bby), because he had to come over and comfort me (he also agrees that yikes, that's some bitter irony). I let myself stagnate in my own guilt for a few minutes before I had the courage to go to Howl and tell him how sorry I was and I never want him to disappear (while crying like a little bitch).

The response I got was as expected. An awkward face (You know how I get around crying girls), got called an idiot, and then his version of a hug. I was overcome with a nice feeling of comfort and reassurance, and then Owen said something stupid and both of us laughed. I told him he should laugh (legitimately) more and he gave me one of his "you're such a hypocrite" vibes.

 

Anycase, I'm kind of glad we went through that little episode. It kind of makes us feel (Don't say it) closer? Unbelievable.*

No I mean, I think the closest way for us to bond is whenever emotions are happening. Because that's when it's easier for us to communicate and be more open with our fffeeeeliings. -sigh-

 

Eh, I'm just rambling now, I think. Sorry for not posting anything useful or what I said I was going to do. We've just been really tired lately. Probably because I only get to eat one actual meal a day... Anycase, I'll try to post something relevant when I have the energy.

 

*He quoted Big Hero 6, oh my god. In case anyone was wondering, that was the relevant movie. Oh my geese, you're being domestic. -facesquish- -squint-

[conflictedebola]

We've been kind of busy lately. I can't stop feeling physically exhausted, and I'm pretty sure my mental state is headed towards critical because I haven't had an opportunity to go anywhere but the corner store for the past, let's say 3 or 4 weeks. I'm not an especially social creature per say, but I need social ENVIRONMENTS or I'll go crazy. I need a day of proper food and social energy SOON. Here's to hoping we can take the hour and a half or so long drive to the mall or something. How to fix a burned out Conflicted; People watching and new cute clothes. I'm basically a duct-taped together machine that requires charging, and I'm running on low.

Jesus Christ, we get it, get to the point.

I never said there was a point, but I'll move on.

'Love of God.

Aaaanyway, productivity-wise we've been doing a bit of Wonderland exploring.

Augh, I hate the taste of that word.

I could call it Homebase Alpha.

GOD no!

That's what I thought (If you come up with something better feel free to drop it in the suggestion box.). Aventure-wise, is a bit confusing. The WL (??? -shrug-) is based off of a place in Howl's "story" called 'The Facility'. It's basically a big rock floating in the Void, the core of which is an imprisoned Old God called The Machine (which is basically a large mass of writhing tentacles, flesh, gears and machine parts, eyes and teeth. We don't talk about it though because Howl is scared shitless of it.) The interior is a labyrinth of rooms and hallways, with a few building protruding from the outside. Most of the hallways and stuff are pretty sturdy, like a medical facility, but some of them are kind of rusty and industrial (lots of valves and gears, think Silent Hill). The hallways and rooms we went through were more like caverns than anything, like they had been carved out of the rock itself. We weren't too far deep, because in some of the places there were vents on the ceiling and I could see the more 'cleanly constructed' rooms through them. We found a room and there was a random heart shaped helium balloon stuck to the ceiling (we were equally confused and creeped out also

has been stuck in my head since.). Then I was slapped back into reality by thunder and lightning right outside my window and so I was pretty much "well I guess that's that" because there's no way I'd be able to concentrate with all that. And I ended up falling asleep anyway. I consider this progress. The most positive thing I will ever say about myself is I'm a pretty creative person. That's why I want to be a concept artist. My only problem being I have the variety but I don't have consistency. It's hard to keep a consistent visualization of something for the length of the time I need to create something (which is why my designs always end up different than the original focus). Being able to consistently visualize and explore the inner workings of this place was a huge confidence booster and I wasn't sure I was capable of doing it. (To be honest though, I'm not sure if I was awake the whole time but I know for a fact my mind was. Possibly edge of lucid dreaming? Must remember to investigate further. Also if you catch that reference give me a high five, m8.) We'll have to work further on this, and maybe I can explore OTHER places on my own (I ain't stopping you, knock yourself out. I'm sorry, I'm just curious. -pappap-)

 

Also, uh... regarding another subject... I can't post the details here, so here's a pastebin. (18+ content. Not full on porno descriptions or anything just some definitely explicit context. Read at own risk.)

[STeeK]

I'm having a really fun time reading your PR, your relation with Howl is obviously really close. Looking forward for more

 

 

Also, uh... regarding another subject... I can't post the details here, so here's a pastebin.

 

*I will never carry a giggling gf to bed while she is having a cute mental intercourse with her tulpa*

L-life is truly suffering

[conflictedebola]

I'm having a really fun time reading your PR, your relation with Howl is obviously really close. Looking forward for more

 

Ahhh, I'm blushing, thank you! I try to make us out to be as interesting and entertaining as possible (Basically I tell all the mostly interesting stuff and leave out the basic everyday stuff like him insulting my mashed potato making skills.). Your support means a lot.

 

*I will never carry a giggling gf to bed while she is having a cute mental intercourse with her tulpa*

L-life is truly suffering

 

Owen thought the same thing and now HERE I AM! You never know, life has a weird way of giving you specifically what you asked for sometimes. Keep your mind open and

!

[conflictedebola]

Holy balls, over 300 views, damn son.

I have nothing clever to say to that.

That's actually really disappointing. :C

-shrug-

 

WELLLLL. I pulled all my motivation together and made steakhouse onion burgers (it's just seasoning I don't ever put toppings or condiments on my burgers) cooked in BUTTERRRR (-audible gagging noises-). I'm going to regret this tomorrow I know, but I haven't been able to eat food with variety in a long time and this is what I needed. Okay, no, the headache is already starting. Still worth it.

I had fun though, I like cooking (especially when I can listen to Ke$ha and Lady Gaga while I do -coughcough-), I just haven't had the energy for it lately.

 

Also found a bunch of colorful buttons of assorted sizes in a large pill bottle, it is my cylinder of happiness. Howl's reaction to is basically "-that noise from Zoo Tycoon when you put something in an animal's enclosure that it likes-". Now to refrain from his desire to put them in my mouth (you can't taste colors in my body Howl, we've been over this. DON'T MOCK MY FRUSTRATION.)

 

Also decided to call the WL just something along the lines of The Void. Partly because that's technically where it is and half as a homage to the plane of Oblivion that belongs to my favorite Daedric Prince (who I sort of relate to Howl anyway. Because eating corpses and I just realized I haven't even covered that, oops. What'sit, "spoiler warning"? ...Yes. I'll give context tomorrow. Good job.) Anycase, Howl finds it more 'homey' because that's what he's ALWAYS called it, so, bonuses I guess. I guess this means backstory stuff tomorrow? Eh.

 

I should probably be going to bed soon but I really hate sleeping nowadays. It's probably just anxiety but hrnnnn, it's uncomfortable.

[Redline]

Oh, me, oh, my. Let's start in the obvious places.

I understand your want to hate something and just fold inward all your problems. That's where my little lady came from. I completely understand, so remember when you're down about telling these things and you feel like no one is listening, a lot of us are. A lot of us understand how you had to feel and we've been through it ourselves. I remember.

 

An Old God. I'm enticed. I'm sure you noticed my lady is a fighter. We would never back down from a war, especially with a gnashing wretch of ink and gears. Tell Howl the secret to killing your fears is to just have the right tools. Milan and I have murdered thousands at the hands of...her hands. I gave her a new toy a few days ago and we haven't even fleshed it out. An Old God sounds like a great trial run.

 

I am eternally grateful you found someone in your life that knows how you feel about Howl. That's a key component in growth. I'm sure you already know, but try not to make it a competition with him.

 

Lastly, back to the Old God. Medical supplies can be weaponized. That's all from me.

[conflictedebola]

Why am I awake at 9 in the morning. Hm, well, this definitely needs some explaining. My sleep schedule usually revolves around Owen's (horribly inconsistent) work schedule. I usually wake up at around 3 or 4 pm or 8 or 9 pm. Just enough for me to sleep too little and also way too much. Anycase, today I woke up with the same RLS, tremors, cold sweat, and sick feeling in my midsection that only comes as a warning 'You're gonna get sleep paralysis'. I am NOT risking that. By all logic, I can avoid it by sleeping on my side (I only ever get it on my back and if I struggle with all my strength I can break it by turning on my side), but still.

Anycase, since I woke up with Owen this time I walked him to the car to say and do whatever couples do when one of them has to go somewhere (we're sappy). I stood outside for a while because I had to take my babies out and water them. There were a lot of dandelions (one of my favorite plants, don't sass me), so we got a couple for Biscuit to snack on. The morning air definitely helped, and I feel a bit more refreshed. Mom was making coffee which was enough to stir Howl (somewhat) awake. We have to satisfy ourselves from just the smell because I hate hazelnut creamer and Howl drinks his black with copious amounts of sugar. I might make myself some tea in a bit, maybe. He's still booting up. (That euphemism makes me uncomfortable. Right, sorry.)

 

For the record, every time I see someone reply to this thread, my heart races.

 

Oh, me, oh, my. Let's start in the obvious places.

I understand your want to hate something and just fold inward all your problems. That's where my little lady came from. I completely understand, so remember when you're down about telling these things and you feel like no one is listening, a lot of us are. A lot of us understand how you had to feel and we've been through it ourselves. I remember.

 

You pretty much read my mind. Well, maybe less so much as worrying if people are listening and more if people might look at me in disdain for being so out of order. I'm really really glad that people can relate to me though, that just makes me happy beyond belief, it really does, thank you. :>

 

An Old God. I'm enticed. I'm sure you noticed my lady is a fighter. We would never back down from a war, especially with a gnashing wretch of ink and gears. Tell Howl the secret to killing your fears is to just have the right tools. Milan and I have murdered thousands at the hands of...her hands. I gave her a new toy a few days ago and we haven't even fleshed it out. An Old God sounds like a great trial run.

 

The fact that you find it interesting is super flattering, let me just say (your monster descriptions leave me starry-eyed).

Everything ethereal and eldritch that happens inside my head and in Howl's creation, I chalk up that horrifying lil' (giant?) bastard. It's less of an obstruction than it is, well, a core. I consider it my Apocrypha, ironically (not to be confused with the actual room in the Void that holds all my normal memories). The tendrils that creep out through the vents and gears, ehhh, not so much. I chalk those up to manic intrusive thoughts/delusions (I reiterate to 'Something is inside me trying to eat me'), and they could use a bit of a thrashing into submission. Howl won't get within the general vicinity of anything with tentacles, so I'm not gonna try to force him into anything he doesn't want to touch (fits of rage to be taken out upon them are encouraged, though, hinthint.)

 

I am eternally grateful you found someone in your life that knows how you feel about Howl. That's a key component in growth. I'm sure you already know, but try not to make it a competition with him.

 

(I'm going to assume you're talking about Owen, Lord Jesus, let me avoid any awkward situations by assuming correctly)

Owen's always been supportive of my "weird head stuff". I used to be afraid that all of this progress that I've made with Howl that he longs for has been my mental illness filling in the blanks, but he's been great by showing me articles and stuff that debunk that anxiety. I just feel bad because he's been given a metric ton of problems he doesn't need and that's definitely hindering his ability to do much. Also the girlfriend's dilemma of "Oh God is our relationship just adding more stress?", even though we've lived with each other for nearly 2 years.

Howl is definitely the helpful mediator whenever my mental capacity is strained. He's taken liberty of switching with me when I need brain rest, and he just kind of hangs around with Owen some nights. Being my boyfriend and the host of his own SO (even half asleep I can feel him blushing), Howl's definitely got an emotional investment in him and Owen is basically head over heels for him.

 

Lastly, back to the Old God. Medical supplies can be weaponized. That's all from me.

 

Haha, he's got teeth that can bite through steel and his weird inky claws, I'm pretty sure in the right mindset he could have his own little tentacle slaughterfest (Howl's never been a fighter, always a killer). Ien a more stable consciousness, I'm afraid he's too... well, afraid. I blame that on m leaving him locked up in there for the 3 or so years (guiltguiltguilt). He doesn't have the mental conceivability to fear conventional things (that happens when you're a physical embodiment of one of the aspects of the Apocalypse), but god forbid there's tentacles and machine parts. He just 'NOPE's right out (you could leave him in a room with a cuttlefish and a music box and he'd probably lose his mind).

[conflictedebola]

Okay, no I can't do it, I'm getting an enormous headache. I'm going to risk a nap, but as a parting thing so I feel somewhat productive, I found an old reference to Howl's color spectrum and a basic guide to his synesthesia.

 

• Red: Sweet Mother Mary he loves red. Especially bright candy red. It’s the color of sweet pleasure and everything that makes him feel good. Pleasure pains, gentle stroking, body heat, killing something, all little burst of red. He has a bad habit of licking red things because they taste nice and it makes him feel good.
  
• Orange: Orange is the bittersweet emotions like jealousy and spite. He has mixed feelings about this color, and sometimes it gives him headaches, or makes him a little nauseous, but sometimes enjoys it in the way one would enjoy the bitterness of black coffee.
  
• Yellow: Yellow is enticing yet pungent color of anger. Sometimes he will instigate yellow out of someone, because he enjoys it so much (yet not enough as red). Sometimes it can sour from petty irritation or spite, which oranges it, and this disappointing him. Thus, he is very careful with yellow.
  
• Lime Green: Green is a tricky color, so it branches off into two parts. Lime Green is the color of discontent and frustration. It’s disgusting and bitter and leaves a bad taste in his mouth. He can’t stand lime green, and whenever he feels it, it gradually fades to yellow out of habit, fortunately enough for him.
  
• Emerald Green: The darker shade of green, is the color of sadness, and, pitifully, loneliness. It’s a very dry taste, and barely touches his tounge. He isn't very fond of it.
  
• Teal: Teal is the cusp of green and blue, and is the color of longing. Mostly for the companionship of someone else. It’s a slightly sweet taste, but is also the dry kind of thing that he can barely taste, fitting for which he’s desperate to taste something.
  
• Light Blue: Light Blue can be compared to slightly flustering attraction. Almost like a crush. It’s a teasingly sweet color that’s not the kind to punch you in the face. He’s reluctant to admit that he likes this color.
  
• Blue: Blue is the color of full out affection and 'love'. THIS is the kind of color that punches you in the mouth. Depending on the circumstance, sometimes it tastes like saccharin, and sometimes it tastes like chalky sugar. He isn't very fond of it.
  
• Purple: Purple is the color of lust and sex. It’s a very embarrassing color, because it tends to get him 'worked up' and it tastes like heated kissing. It's a very heavy and overpowering color that tends to cloud his thinking.
  
• Pink: Pink is the color of nervousness and shyness. It’s adorably sweet, like strawberry or peach. This is part of the reason he has a weakness for cute things.
  
• Hot Pink: This is drastically different than the pastel pink, being the color of fear and panic. It’s yet another punch color, but it makes him drool for some reason. He enjoys it, but he’s not sure WHY.
  
• Black: Black is the color of power and dominance. It’s smothering presence is very comforting to him, and tastes warm and savory.
  
• White: White is the color that he is constantly craving, and the only thing that can sate his constant urges and clears his head. It’s immaculate and pure, and the only color more satisfying than Red. It rivals black in the power it has over him. It’s the most heavenly form of sweetness, and leaves a refreshing aftertaste.
  

[conflictedebola]

AUUUGH, BAD IDEA, THE NAP WAS A BAD IDEA.

I didn't get sleep paralysis or anything, we're just very sluggish now. To be fair, it was raining and our energy gets sapped whenever it does... I have no idea what I'm even saying, I'm just trying to be as coherent as humanly possible, God help me.

 

I'll just... Get some caffeine in me and come back, sorry guys.