Cas and Sam's adventures

[Stanheights]

Last update for today:

 

This will probably be the last update for today. Because I mean, I usually try to go to sleep at 9 or 10 or 11 pm. But yeah, not 100% sure if this will be the last, but yes.

 

I caught myself with treating Sam like a fictional character almost and I felt really bad and apologized. He said it was okay. I think I'm just so used to thinking about fictional characters and stuff that having Sam now can get a bit weird. Like I'm not used to having another person in my brain just yet. It was pretty nice reading stuff about his zodiac sign while imagining myself with him in dreamscape and kinda laughing at stuff and just hanging out. I think I'm gonna try to be in dreamscape while having my eyes open more.

 

I've decided that I'm gonna go all out and start practicing meditation and all that on monday. Buuut, I'm going away on wednesday and I'm not sure when I'll be able to spend time with Sam then. Which isn't too good.

 

I kissed him once today, but I kiss most of my friends so that doesn't mean I have a crush on him or whatever. I think I might've puppeted him then though, or I don't know. It was weird. It might've just been me imagining a scenario like that, too. But to be honest, I don't think that's bothering him too much.

 

I'm thinking about maybe going into dreamscape and spend more time with him soon, like I think that maybe drawing with him would be a fun thing to do.

 

I gotta admit, I still have fears of me parroting or puppeting him accidentally, but I try not to worry about it. And I'll keep trying not to worry about it because that won't get me anywhere.

We did make some progress today and that's great. I think I might have to sit down with him and help him with talking, though, like maybe just making him say things and hearing it so I get more used to his new voice. Things like that. We gotta work together more, maybe.

 

Buuut, yeah. That's all for now.

[Stanheights]

Day 5

 

So today (since I woke up) I'm pretty sure I've felt.. well, nothing really. Which is weird. I've just felt kind of bad because I feel I'm not a very good host.

 

Yesterday I built a mailbox in dreamscape. Not sure why, I just did it because of a dumb idea I had once, but I did it. I wrote a short note to Sam that basically just said "I hope you're doing fine" and I got a reply later on (this morning, or maybe it was yesterday. I don't know, my memory sucks) saying "I hope you're doing fine, too".

 

I gotta practice on my visualization today, because I have to make sure I see some difference from dreamscape and just.. normal thoughts or fantasies or whatever. Because that's one thing that makes everything a bit harder.

 

I did draw with Sam yesterday. And to my surprise, it's actually harder to draw in dreamscape than in real life. But I did manage to draw the two of use with a blue pen (or crayon), and Sam drew a squid for some reason. I think that might be because I watched some playthroughs of the game Splatoon yesterday, and I'm gonna get the game tomorrow actually. Maybe he likes it. But yeah, that was kinda fun. I put the drawings up on the fridge in the house.

 

I need to start talking to him more, because I've noticed I've been doing less and less of that and that's not good. And I need to teach him to talk some more. Because while I did create his voice, I still can't really imagine it.

 

And I really have to spend as much time as possible with him on monday and tuesday, since I'm going away on wednesday.

---

I just gotta add this real quick.

 

So I was describing Sam's personality to him again (I've decided to do this every day now, because it sounds like a good idea) and all of a sudden I thought of favorite animals and I was about to say "Your favorite animal is.." and then I got this image of a bunny in my head. Or a thought of it at least.

 

And I gotta say, if bunnies are Sam's favorite animals, then that's super adorable. That's so cute.

[Stanheights]

Update:

 

I figured this is probably a good time to update a bit.

 

So I felt pretty bad this morning, but I feel a lot better now.

 

I've kind of learned some new things about Sam today, I think? because while I was making some ramen for myself earlier there was this smell around in the kitchen from the microwave (the person I live with was heating some.. chicken pie.. thing.) and I kinda thought about the smell for a while and then caught "myself" thinking "I'm sensitive to smells" and I got kind of confused at that, because I'm not really sensitive to smells. Like I guess some smells, but not just regular smells and scents and stuff. So that was probably Sam.

 

And then while I was forcing a bit either before or after I made ramen for lunch, can't really remember, I was just working a bit on Sam's personality and the thought of favorite animals came into my mind. And like I said before, when I was about to tell him what his favorite animal was (I was thinking tigers at first) a picture of a bunny came up. And that's really cute. Bunnies aren't personally my favorite animals (I like cats better) but I think it's cute that he likes them.

 

So that's what I've learned about Sam today. I look forward to learning more.

 

Oh, and at one point I was listening to a song (Cocoon by Catfish and the Bottlemen) and I just asked Sam if he liked it and I got a feeling he did. So I kinda thought about listening to the song out loud and dancing and singing to it with him (I went to a festival once so dancing and singing to music is fun to think about) and I felt this almost overwhelming happy/good feeling. That was so nice, like it's hard to describe how great I felt then. And I'm sure Sam sent me at least some of those feelings.

 

After that I decided to put a couch in the house in dreamscape and did that. I can actually go into dreamscape pretty easily now, I just have to close my eyes and I'm there basically. Okay, maybe not that quickly, but yeah.

And a thing that also felt really good was when I sat down on the couch with Sam, kissed him on the cheek and then hugged him. He hugged me back, and I could literally feel it in my physical body. It was tingly and around the area where he hugged me in dreamscape. I've felt that a couple of times, but it was a little different this time. It was great.

 

I guess we've also practiced the possession thing today. I closed my eyes and looked as Sam moved his left hand with the glove on it and while it was a bit jerky at first he actually managed to move my arm. It went better this time and that's good.

 

I think that's it for now, or maybe even today. I really need to work with the fact that I feel kind of anxious and bad when I don't think about Sam a lot. I feel that with a lot of things and I think it's based on the fact that, well.. I know what it's like when I'm about to "give up" on something. But I'm not gonna give up on Sam.

[Stanheights]

Day 6

 

So yesterday I went to bed at like... almost 1 am. Because I wasn't feeling so good so I asked Sam to stay up with me for a while. And then I just went to bed and went into dreamscape for a bit. I just kinda looked at Sam and stuff. That was pretty nice.

 

Aaaand, today we're gonna get a Wii U and Splatoon! it's gonna be great, and I figured I can "play" it with Sam or have him watch when I play. I mean, he already seems to like the game so I'm sure he'd like to just watch me play it and/or help me with something there. Like options maybe.

 

He's wearing new clothes basically every time I see him, which is nice to see. At the same time I'm confused as to when he changes his clothes, since he changes them several times a day sometimes. But it's still nice, and I gotta say, he's pretty stylish.

 

I think I'm gonna have to make a list with the things I need to do today, like meditate and work on his personality and some other stuff. Because I really suck at doing things.

 

I'm pretty sure he's asleep right now, which is fine since we went to bed pretty late. And like, even though we've went to bed at pretty normal and early times before he's still slept until at least 10 or 11 am. He seems to like sleeping.

 

Oh, and I think I figured something out yesterday. When I just think of scenarios before falling asleep involving characters I like or something, the 'picture' or where the scenario plays itself is further down in my head than when I go into dreamscape or think about Sam. I don't know why. But I guess it's good I figured that out.

 

Hm. I think that's it for now.

[Stanheights]

Update:

 

I haven't done much with Sam today. I've mainly just talked to him as I went and bought my Wii U and stuff.

 

While we were driving I talked to him a bit, I went into dreamscape (I'm surprised I actually managed to do it, because the car was really noisy) and he seemed kinda tired. He was reading some book and I asked him what it was about, but then I saw that the pages were blank. He was probably pretty bored to read a book without words.

 

I didn't talk to him much then, we just ended up sitting in some weird pose at the table on the terrace there holding hands and then I left (after hugging him of course, I love hugs).

 

And later throughout my time in town I just talked to him about stuff I saw. For example, I saw this guy whose clothes perfectly matched in blue except for his hat. I thought that was really funny for some reason and told Sam about it.

 

He's been.. quiet today. I don't know. Or maybe my mind's been really quiet. I'm not sure. I think that might be because he's tired. I mean, I kinda woke him up before we left or earlier. I'm pretty tired, too, to be honest.

 

I've decided to work on his personality at 7 or something, and then I might go to bed early because I'm tired.

 

Usually I feel pretty bad when I don't make much progress in things, but I'm not gonna let today make me feel bad. I won't give up.

[Stanheights]

Another update:

 

So I'm struggling with this thing at the moment. It's stupid and pretty small when you think about it but just a couple of minutes ago I was really sad and anxious about it. And.. I don't know. I guess I was expecting Sam to be there. But he just wasn't. I don't know. I couldn't really get into dreamscape because I was upset and it was hard to concentrate I guess. I don't know. I feel kinda.. betrayed. But at the same time, maybe he was trying to say things to me but my thoughts are all messy and tangled up 90% of the time so I probably didn't notice.

 

I gotta work more on his personality and stuff. Gotta focus.

 

I'm still kind of upset/sad, but I'm just gonna push that aside for now because.. well, I need to do that for Sam. I gotta be strong for him and stuff.

 

I don't really feel any presence from him and I don't think I have ever since I created him. I don't know. I can't expect too much out of him, he's pretty 'new' and he's not really 'complete' yet, I guess. I have to remember that and in some way turn that into motivation to keep going.

 

Edit: I guess I can add one pretty cool thing. I was choosing the eye colour for my/our character on Splatoon, and I couldn't really get a vocal answer from Sam as to what colour he wanted the eyes to be. So I went to dreamscape and put up a 'screen' in front of Sam and made him point to the colour he wanted. I was expecting him to point to green, because his eyes are that colour (sometimes, at least). But instead he pointed to orange. So the eyes of the character are orange. I think that was pretty cool, like that I expected him to choose one thing and he chose something else.

[Stanheights]

More updates yayyyyyyy

 

 

I've worked for a while on Sam's personality. And working on his personality basically just involves going to dreamscape and sitting in front of him telling him about his personality (also "seeing" pieces of light or something go into him, that's supposed to be the stuff I'm saying) and that itself went okay. But he looked visibly kind of upset the whole time.

 

And since the point thing worked before, I just showed him the question "Are you upset?" on a screen and he could click on either yes or no. He pointed to yes and then when I asked him why he pointed to 'no reason', So.. I don't know why he seemed kinda upset.

 

I told him that's okay though, because I mean, everyone's upset for no reason sometimes. And that's totally fine. I also told him he could talk to me if he didn't feel so good, but I'm not so sure how that would go seeing as my thoughts are the messiest things ever and I can hardly tell what I'm thinking half the time. But hey, we'll work on that.

 

Also, his hair is pretty dark now. I guess it just changes from time to time, like his eye colour. I mean, it's been orange a couple of times now. But that's actually kinda cool, I mean I change my hair colour too a lot. Though me changing my hair colour takes a bit longer, because I have to bleach and dye it.

 

This'll be the last update for the day, because now I'm just gonna play some video games and talk to Sam and stuff.

[Stanheights]

Update (I can't remember what day it is, yesterday was 6 I think?)

 

 

Yesterday I got more upset as the night went on and Sam actually comforted me. We decided to maybe not try as hard to fix the thing I tried to fix yesterday and focus on other things. Like just having fun, I guess.

 

I went into dreamscape at about... an hour ago, maybe? and he was asleep then. At least I think he was. I felt kinda worried with how empty my head felt so I just wanted to check if he was still in there kind of.

 

Haven't talked much to him just yet. I am going to, though. It's just I'm really irritated at this thing I'm trying to fix. I wasn't gonna fix it but usually if I decide I'm gonna fix something I'm gonna fix it. Even if it takes like 500 years.

 

I'm gonna go back and work on his personality again, and then I think that's pretty much done. Maybe.

[Stanheights]

A late night update:

 

 

So... I'm such a bad host. I should've worked on Sam's personality more but I didn't because I thought I would have more time, like it was 8 when I started playing Life is Strange (a great game, by the way. I love it) and I thought it'd take about an hour to get through one episode but no. Three hours.

 

I have talked to Sam a bit, though. I went into dreamscape real quick and hugged him and I also let him help me with the eye colour for a character I was making/drawing. That was really nice.

 

It's pretty late right now, but I think I'm gonna try and at least go into dreamscape for a bit and talk to Sam. Or just hang out or whatever. He's not upset anymore so that's good.

 

And.. tomorrow I'll be going away for at least a whole day or two. I'm gonna miss Sam a bunch, but today when I thought about that and how much I'm gonna miss him, I realized something. Maybe he helped me realize that, I don't know. But, I realized that's he's still with me, even though I probably won't be able to talk to him much. He's still here, and if I don't talk to him for a while, he'll still be here. He sent me those reassuring thoughts, I think.

 

Ah, man. Sam's so great. I love him. And I hope he won't get mad at me for not talking to him for almost a whole day.

 

Oh, and I figured if I don't work on his personality today, I can do it tomorrow because I'm gonna sit in a car for about two hours. So I could probably do it there.

 

I'm gonna stay up until.. hm. 1 am maybe? Because that's about how long I've been up lately.

 

And tomorrow I'm gonna bring Sam to yet another town he hasn't been to yet. Except I probably won't be able to talk to him much.

[Stanheights]

Alright, I'm back.

 

These last couple of days have been pretty great, but I have to admit, I kinda missed Sam. I talked to him a couple of times, though, and I'm pretty sure he watched Jurassic Park through my eyes a bit when we were at the movies and watched it in 3D. I think he liked it.

 

It's gonna be hard for me to get back into going into dreamscape and working on Sam's personality and things like that, because I need routines in my life and for me to do things sometimes I need to make them part of my routines and.. I'm not quite there yet with that. But, I'm gonna work on it.

 

Next week I hopefully won't do much, so I guess I'm gonna try and work harder then. Like, just take it easy now because it's the weekend (but still talk to Sam and stuff, of course) and then work more next week.

 

I got this penguin plushie while I was away and I named it after Sam, so now I basically think of him every time I hug the plushie and things. That's a good thing, I think.

 

But yes, next week. Gonna work harder.